tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 5, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CDT
>> and now late show complete coverage of the vice presidential debate. >> now, as we welcome governor mike pence and senator tim kaine. ( applause ) >> do you not take-- syria i'd like to ask-- >> honestly, senator, honestly, senator. >> it is about our troops. >> i worked when i was in congress on second chance act. ( laughter ) we have got to do a better job. the reality is that there's heartbreak and tragedy that struck american families because people that came into this country illegally are now involved in criminal... >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes
lindsay vonn. and musical guest gustavo dudamel with the simo?n boli?var symphony orchestra of venezuela. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: what's up? good to see you. wooo! wooo! ? ? ? ( cheers ) welcome, welcome, everybody. that's awfully nice.
how is everybody feeling tonight? feeling all right? ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show," i'm stephen colbert. i hope everyone watching down in florida, georgia, and the carolina coasts is staying safe right now. matthew looks like a category 4 by the time it makes landfall. so, please, hunker down, hunker up, or just hunker the hell out of there. but if you do have to evacuate, please remember, we are available on cbs all access. you can take us with you. speaking of disasters, we're the vice presidential debate was last night. and we're still sorting through the flaul out of last night's vice presidential debate. consensus is mike pence was the winner, though there's still no consensus on which one of those guys was mike pence.
article, "after the dust settled, mike pence was the clear winner of the debate." there's only two problems with that source-- one, it was from the official g.o.p. website. and, two, they posted it almost two hours before the debate began. ( cheers and applause ) that's how good-- that's how good-- that's now good pence was. he tore a rift in the space-time perhaps, next, pence can use his mutant time-bending powers to fulfill the g.o.p.'s ultimate fantasy and bring america back to 1953. now, the ratings of last night's matchup were about half of the presidential debate, possibly because polls show that more than 40% of americans cannot name who is running for vice president, in contrast to the 90% who are desperately trying to forget who's running for
( laughter ) but everyone-- everyone-- big applause. >> jon: that's far out. >> stephen: huge amnesia fans here tonight. but everyone is saying mike pence did well. maybe too well. >> when i asked a senior trump adviser, the response was immediate: he won, pence won overall, but he lost with trump. >> mike pence is getting. headlines after the debate saying donald but mike pence did really well, maybe he should have been at the top of the ticket. and what the adviser said was, you know, that donald trump does not like to be upstaged. ( whistles ). >> stephen: man, has got to be tough. as much as i disagree with trump, the last thing i want is for the guy to feel like he's being overshadowed.
people praising mike pence too much might push trump over the edge. ( applause ) then again, mike pence-- great guy. i mean, he's just a strong, rock-hard specimen of a man. you just look at him and think "world leader." and did you see his hands? they're massive! ( cheers and applause ) they're massive! >> jon: big hands. >> definitely, defendant the hands of a wife. i bet he could make some amazing deals. i mean, we all know donald trump's a genius, but mike pence might be the kind of genius who doesn't lose a billion dollars. i trust-- i trust mike pence so much, i wouldn't even want to see his taxes. someone should give that guy a tv show. does mike pence sell any hats? the point is, it was a big, big night for the pence-trump
i am sorry, i meant it was a big night for donald peninsula. i mean, the guy who lives in pence tower. i mean, trump tower. i don't know why i say "pence tower." and i don't know why i had my graphics team make this photo. it looks natural, though. one of the big themes of the night was a focus on donald trump's other running mate, vladimir putin. ( laughter ) governor pence broke with trump's praise of putin to issue this warning about the dangers of a resurgent russia. >> what we're dealing with is-- is-- you know, there's an old proverb that says the russian bear never dies. it just hibernates. >> stephen: yes, yes. of course, he left off the end of that proverb, "it hibernates, then wakes up with a huge boner for donald trump."
now, normally, when you hear a proverb, you smile, wait for grandpa to nod off, then rifle through his wallet before you tiptoe out of the room. he's not going to miss a 20. but this one deserves a little more attention, because it has come to light that mike pence may have just made up that ancient proverb about russia. made it up. this could be the biggest trump campaign scandal since melania quoted the ancient proverbs of michelle obama. ( laughter ) >> jon: quotation. >> stephen: now it turns out this was not the first time that particular ancient proverb was used. mike pence was actually quoting renowned russian folklorist, mike pence, who used the same quote about the russian bear going into hibernation in an
2014. those were the ancient times when we cured diseases by pouring ice buckets on our heads. ( cheers and applause ) i happen to know-- and then three other people get it. i happen to know that's not the only russian proverb mike pence has made up. i have the rest here in "mike pence's book of ancient russian. proverbs." ( applause ) beautifuea beautiful limited edition here. and here are some that guided proverbs we taped into the front page here. "the wise polar bear pretends to be deaf when asked to defend the orange jackass." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you're right, yeah.
>> stephen: "the snow leopard seems more powerful when he allows himself to be interrupted by the desperate groundhog." and here's one that informed some of his controversial legislation when he was governor of indiana. "the wily fox may escape the hunter's snare, but you shouldn't have to bake a wedding cake for two dudes." ( applause ) okay. who dudes. and i certainly hope he remembers this proverb: "the fool that outperforms his master shall soon be thrown from the tower." ( cheers and applause ) and mike pence isn't the only trump 0 gat who had a big, big day yesterday. former new york city mayor and
this photo of him smoking a cigar with four men in a car. and judging by the look of them, one in the trunk. ( laughter ) ( applause ) keep it down! keep it down! a lot of people speculating about who was in the backseat. many are guessing it was disgraced former fox news c.e.o. roger ailes. hard to tell from this photo. it could've been any slowly melting sexual pda ( cheers and applause ) no one knows where they were headed, but from the looks of that photo, they went over to the docks to meet with their goons about killing the batman. of course, both of those men strongly support donald trump. who, by the way, said something embarrassing this week. i know that's shocking to hear.
people who have skill or knowledge about business, how important it is to prove your business acumen. well, this is trump on monday: >> i was able to use the tax laws of this country and my business acumen to dig out of the real estate mess. >> stephen: yes, business a-cumin, the main ingredient in business a-curry. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) spicy. a little spicy. but this mis-pronunciation isn't that surprising to anyone who studied at trump university ( laughter ) we here at "the late show"" have obtained this short educational film that forms the entirety of trump university's curriculum. jim? >> so you want to stabbed out from the crowd in the crowded field of business.
business a-cumin inis important in the a huge part of business acumen is aappearance and it stars starts with the proper wear-droab. you'll need slicks, and a shiny pair of shuz. the important part of business a-cumin is a proper vocabulary. step three, congraishiations. that's literally all the a-cumin you need to win all your dreams bigley all the time. fabulous. the best. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you graduated. you graduated. we've got a great show for you
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could do a live show last night and turn around and do this show tonight without the energy you guys have. how do you keep your energy up? >> jon: man, the music is just inspiring when we play. >> stephen: really? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i have to learn how to play music. >> jon: you do play music, trumpet. >> stephen: i play a cup oficoy is mostly what i play. there's a story i've avoided talking about for months now because it contains a disturbing level of clown ( laughter ) parents, you may want to send then leave the room yourself. jim? >> clown panic. >> a nation on edge over creepy clown sightings around the country. >> sinister-looking clowns with white painted faces have been spotted prowling neighborhoods. >> creepy clown sightings now spreading across the country. >> the clowns were near a playground when they started cursing at the children and throwing sticks. >> he saw clowns whispering in the woods. >> the reports that the clowns are just standing under street lamps, waving. >> clowns. creepy clowns. >> creepy clowns.
>> not the fun type of clowns. this one was holding a knife. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: clowns are everywhere, and they're terrorizing our local news anchors! apparently, this nightmare all started in south carolina, where several residents at an apartment complex said that people in clown makeup had been terrorizing both children and adults. yes-- children and adults-- everyone is scared of clowns. in fact, the only thing creepier than a clown is someone who laughs at clowns. "ha-ha! he's dressed like he's poor. and look at his swollen feet. something's hearsayly wrong with him. ha-ha! and since those initial clown sightings, there have been evil clowns reported in alabama,
the clown epidemic is spreading faster than herpes in a clown car. yesterday, someone even asked about creepy clowns at a white house press conference. come on! the white house has more important things to worry about, like which i don't give a ( bleep ) anymore hat obama is going to wear today. we didn't make that photo up. now, many of the sightings have turned out to be "fare imaginations, and teenagers pulling pranks." damn you, teenagers! don't you have something better to do, like taking drugs or getting each other pregnant? come on! ( laughter ) take the trucks. it helps with the pregnant part. "dear cbs, i am pregnant now. of ( laughter ) but all the coverage-- ( laughter ) that's people complaining. ( cheers and applause ) "i took drugs and now i'm
but all the coverage of these hoaxes has led to copycat creepy clowns and made professional clowns worry that they'll become targets of vigilantes, with one clown saying, "i walked into a event in a bright-colored hat and vest, and one of the first things someone said was, 'oh my god. it's a clown!' in a frightened way." that's right. someone said "oh my god! it's a clown!" in a frightened way. ( laughter ) as opposed to the only other two ways you can say that sentence: annoyed and horny. "oh my god! "oh my god! it's a clown!" i feel for these clowns. they're just trying to entertain us. they shouldn't have to answer for the actions of a few insane
that's why we here at "the late show"" can proud to present the following p.s.a. jim. >> clowns aren't supposed to be scary. i'm just a normal guy who wares silly clothe clothes and coversf in paint to dance in front of children. >> clowns are people, too. if you prick us, we bleed. >> all this blood, yeah, some guys jumped me in thing lot. i don't know what i just want to make people laugh. >> what's funnier than a maybe a fat guy falling down but that's it. >> now i'm afraid women might think the ideal of sex with me is creepy. >> i just want to make children laugh and adults uncomfortable. >> do you want to hear a joke? knock, knock? who's there? i'm sorry! cut, cut! >> scary clowns. >> knock it off. >> you're making us look silly. ( laughter )
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families should come first. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. folks, you know my first guest from movies like, "j. edgar," "the man from u.n.c.l.e." and from his role as the winklevoss twins in "the social network." his new movie is "birth of a nation." please welcome armie hammer! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> quite the curveball.
on my bowling. thanks for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> a pleasure. >> stephen: i'd like to start off with something i'm sure you've heard before but i can't get over-- what a great name armie hammer is. >> i disagree. >> stephen: what is wrong with the name? it's like being named g.i. joe. armie, armie, >> conceptual you i get it. but if you're in a loud room and somebody says, "what's your name?" "armie hammer." what "harvey mammer." >> stephen: harvey hammer sounds like a porn name. >> like armie hammer doesn't? it's a lose-lose. >> stephen: it kind of is like a porn name. >> it's hard when you're five. especially since it's short for armond, which is a big name for a kid.
>> it's the worst, literally the worst. >> stephen: but you were named for your great-grandfather who was the billionaire owner of occidental petroleum. >> yes. >> stephen: which sounds like the bad corporation in a "batman" movie by the way. >> by the the way, it's an oil corporation. this is a bad corporation. that's just the way it goes. sorry. >> stephen: is it true-- tell me if this is true-- that people would ask your great-grandfather if he was the same-- >> agz the baking soda. >> >> but he was not. he enjoyed so much there was this baking soda company that had the same name he was like, "i would like to buy your baking soda company." they said, "we appreciate it. we think it's funny, too, that it's your name, but it is not for sale." and he said okay. a couple of years later they became a publicly traded company and he bought a majority of the stock. >> stephen: when people said are you armond hammer of arm
i understand you spent part of your childhood growing up in the qamen islands. >> i did. >> stephen: what did you learn there that you couldn't library anywherees. >> i can climb a coconut tree. >> stephen: that comes in handy. that's an impressive first date. >> it's actually my litmus test on dates. if she can't climb a coconut tree-- my with of can scale a coconut tree. you should see her. >> stephen: can she do that? >> i don't know. >> stephen: here's an odd thing.i right now, and i hope i haven't been lied to. >> oh, boy. >> stephen: i understand you're something of a knot enthuse aft. >> yeah. yeah, yeah. >> stephen: why? ( laughter ) please tell me you're a sailor. >> yeah. they make sense-- ( laughter ) they're-- they're logical, like knots just make sense. there's, in a weird kind of
like, we were using ropes before we invented the wheel. it's a pretty handy thing. >> stephen: it's not the oldest tool, but it's the oldest you can show in public. >> fair enough, fair enough. yeah. >> stephen: so, we've got a couple of lengths of some basic rope here. here's-- here's a bit of rope. >> it's also-- it's also a wicked good party trick. people get thrilled when you pull out rope at a party. >> stephen: i didn't realize it was that kind of party. >> they figure just the coolest bu's a bet. >> stephen: do you travel with rope? >> oh, yeah, do you want to see my-- no, i don't travel with rope. for example, you can win a bet. i say, "i bet i can tie a bow in this rope faster than you can tie a bow in your rope. i bet you a beer. >> stephen: a bow, all right. >> you say go -- >> you trained, of course, obviously. >> i practiced for four hours. you say go, and then we'll both
thing. >> stephen: okay, i know what a bow is. >> okay. >> ready. >> stephen: one, two, three, go. ( cheers and applause ) >> and they're the coolest? yeah! >> stephen: and then someone buys you a beer? >> no, it's never actually gotten me a mountain climb? do you do dangerous things? >> yeah, i like to, yeah. >> stephen: are you known for doing dangerous stuff. is your wife cool with that? >> no, my wife for the longest time is convinced i had what you call a frontal lobe issue. she says that's where you assess risk and danger and all that, and she says mine is severely underdeveloped because i -- >> what would do you? >> whatever. i mean, so, well, yesterday, i--
get a bunch of dirty water dogs, just walking around on the streets. and i was like i will tack a spicy sausage from this cart, please. and the guy he goes, "spicy sausage?" i go, "yeah." and he goes, "here." he was holding one in his hand. >> stephen: he already made it on the street. >> it was sitting there, in a bun, ready. and i go, "no, no, do you have one you can put on a grill, a fresh one?" "sorry, man, my grill's off." and i was like, "yeah, okay, and i was holding that in my hand and i was like really this is going to hurt. this is not a smart move. and ate the entire thing and sure enough was up all night last night violently ill. this is where the frontal lobe issue comes in, i will not let a hot dog get me down. i will not be beat by a hot dog. i will get another spicy sausage today. >> stephen: you're getting back on the horse? >> yeah. >> stephen: good luck. stay hydrated. bring some rope with you.
also one of the stars of the highly acclaimed movie "birth of a nation." and i'm going to come out and say it-- i'm against slavery. i think it was bad. you play kind of a bad guy in this movie. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you know a lot about the story of nat turner and his labor rebellion before you saw this movie, before you were in the mov this is the most incredible story i have ever heard. i also thought it's the most american story i have heard. the rise against tyranny, this is what our country was founded on. it's a great story but it can't be true. and i looked it up online and thought holy hell, this is true. and i never heard this. i took u.s. history in high school. i never heard the story of nat turner. i never heard his name mentioned and it seemed criminal to me. and they were going to make a
amazing and i thought it was an important and powerful thing to do and i of lucky to be a part of is. >> stephen: and you play a plantation owner. >> i policeman sam turner, and this is accurate, kids were play together, whether the slave owner's children or the children. this was corroborated by science. it was decided, okay, slaves, you're done maturing and all of that, so are you going to stay like this. you're going to get bigger, but this is it, you're done. white kids, we'reng youab education now. this is what doctors were telling people. the white kid's brains are going to continue to develop so separate them them now and get them in school. and you had kids who played together who didn't know there was a difference. that's what kids do. and they were taught this by an incredible system like a socioeconomic system of slavery. >> stephen: and the clip we have here is you as samuel turner take talking to nat
>> i didn't mean? >> we've been good to you. my whole family has, and you go on and do something like this to me. baptizing a white man on my property. do you know how this makes us look? this could ruin everything we worked for. boy, you'd better say something, and quick! >> take heed, therefore, unto yourselves and the flock to which the holy ghost made you oversee us, to feed the of god which he has purchased with his own blood. ( applause ) >> thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me, man. "the birth of a nation" opens all around the country this friday. armie hammer, everybody! we'll be right back with lindsey vonn. ? ? ?
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? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemtn, my next guest is an olympic gold medalist and the most successful american skier in history. her new book is "strong is the new beautiful." please welcome lindson ? ? ? ( applause ) good to see you. >> stephen: welcome, welcome aboard. >> how are you? >> nice to see you again. >> you, too. >> stephen: last time we talked was the 2010 winter olympics. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: where you were
jokes and i was laughing the whole time. >> stephen: you can make the jokes tonight and i'll laugh the whole time. it will be a vacation for me. >> perfect, perfect. >> stephen: you're skiing this season, right? >> yeah. >> i know you were out with an injury last season, the 15-16 season. >> not the whole season. i still won 10 race s. >> stephen: what was the injury? >> i had three fractures in my tibial plateau. >> stephen: what is the tibial plateau? that sounds like a lovely place to vacation. >> it is on your tibial head. >> stephen: that doesn't help at all. uh-huh. it's on the tip of my head. >> your tibia, your lower -- >> down there? how important is that part for ski, though? >> not that important. who neez your leg s. >> stephen: just get a higher boot and strap it straight to your thigh. >> sure, okay. >> stephen: as a professional skier you chase winter all around the world, right?
at home we'd like to make it it winter for you right now. jim, could you set the stage for us? >> oh! except i hate the cold. >> stephen: you hate the cold? you hate the cold? you came to the wrong studio then. would you like some cocoa? >> oh, how sweet! do you have marshmallows. >> stephen: sure. to do i have marshmallows. this is a network television show. i always have marshmallows back here. say when. >> keep going. >> stephen: you have to fuel >> i already ate all your keeks in the back. so cookies and hot chocolate. >> stephen: can you eat anything ultimate? seriously keep going. >> i was actually seeing how far you would go. >> stephen: i will go as far as you want. you're the guest. you're the guest. ( cheers and applause ) okay, tell me what you've got. what competitions do you have coming up? what's next for you? >> we have a world cup tour so from december-- october until march we -- >> the world cup happens all over the world. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's like a point
>> yes, yeah. >> stephen: except you're the car and the driver. >> correct. >> stephen: i understand-- i've never been town the big, what are your events. you do downhill? >> uh-huh. i'm going to let you -- >> super "g." >> i want to you tell me. this is a quiz. >> stephen: downhill, super g. slalom. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: and giant slalom. >> he got it. he got it. >> stephen: i'm a even! i'm a >> i'm impressed. i'm impressed with you. >> stephen: what's top speeld? how fast are you going? downhill is the fastest of those races, right? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: how fast are you going when you're peaking out? >> i'm in shock you know all those things. cheers to that. this is actually-. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there are too many marshmallows it won't come out. no liquids make it to your mouth. >> that's all right. i like marshmallows. >> stephen: how fast to you go when you're peaking? >> like 90.
and it's iced down on purpose, right, to go faster? >> yeah, and they literally take a fire hose to it. you could pretty much ice skate down the hill. >> stephen: it's like a tilted hockey rink. >> basically. >> stephen: what is going through your head? are you thinking at all or is it just pure instinct? >> i try not to think. thinking get in the way of performing. you have to think a little bit because you wrote a book. okay. this involves something-- >> i mean, i can think, yes. i can do that. >> stephen: i can, i choose not to most of the time. it's called "strong is the new beautiful." okay. ( cheers and applause ) first of all, that is weak shaming the rest of us who aren't as strong as you are. >> that's not true. >> stephen: what do you mean by "strong is the new beautiful?" >> i just feel like the image in society is changing and strong is beautiful, being athletic, and being confident in yourself
it's not, like, you know, you don't have to be model thin to be beautiful. so... ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so what am i going to learn? what am i going to learn here? this isn't a diet book or anything, right? >> no, i hate the word "diet?" you can have hot chocolate scwhr. >> stephen: you can have hot chocolate? >> yes. >> stephen: when can i have hot chocolate, any time i want? >> preferably in the morning, definitely not at night. if you ve to bed, you're probably going to gain a couple of l.b.s. >> stephen: i think my hips are bigger than yours. >> ooh... >> stephen: that's not the sound you're supposed to make, kiddo. ( laughter ) you're supposed to go,"not at all!" >> you look great. >> stephen: you look great, too, and one of us is being honest. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, listen, listen, i understand you've got this-- what's the steamed fish rule?
feive rule. what is that? >> if you feel like you're hungry, think about could i eat steamed fish right now? >> stephen: that's the first thing i'm supposed to think? >> yes. and if the answer is "yes" then you're probably actually hungry. >> stephen: then i could have anything i want? >> not anything, but like -- >> steamed fish. >> yes, ideally. >> stephen: now, can i ask you about this one photo here, this one photo in the book. i'm not sure i can show this on cbs. this is the photo in the book. >> i'm not even shong anything. >> stephen: there you go. no, no, it's-- it looks fantastic. my question is why-- why are you on the boxes down here? ( laughter ) was there a mouse in the room? >> i have no idea. >> stephen: why are you on the boxes? >> i have no idea. i don't know. maybe just to give me height is there they said get on the boxes? >> when you're naked you don't really argue. >> stephen: that's an old russian proverb. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: my next guests are celebrating 20 years of music together and will be opening carnegie hall's season with 3 special concerts beginning tomorrow. please join me in welcoming world renowned conductor gustavo dudamel with the simon bolivar symphony orchestra of venezuela! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?