tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 9, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
>> stephen: hey, neil! he, man, i've been looking all over for you. i'm so glad you're on the show tonight but what are you doingup couple of days, i needed some peace and quiet. >> stephen: yes, this is a great place to get it. >> i just want to commune with the cosmos. that's how i roll. >> stephen: yeah, i get that. listen, you know, you're so much fun to have the show, but i gotta say, the way people are feeling, it might be hard to do a comedy show tonight. >> you know what we do in moments like this in my field? >> stephen: what? >> we invoke the cosmic perspective. >> stephen: what's that? >> that's what earth look likes from high above, not just, like,
space itself, from the universe. and when you do that, all earth's problems dissolve away into the infinitude of the space time continuum. >> stephen: yeah... ( laughter ). >> does that make you feel any better? >> no... ( laughter ) >> why don't we just chuck the telescope? >> stephen: let's do it. ( cheers and applause ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes miles teller, neil degrasse tyson. and triumph the insult comic dog! featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> stephen: hey, everybody, thank you so much! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm stephen colbert. i think. ( laughter ) i'm not sure what to believe about anything anymore. let me ask you-- how's everybody doing right now? how you feeling? ( cheers and applause ) all right, all right.
that's better than i thought. ( laughter ) because, you know, i-- i am so glad to be with you tonight. i wouldn't want to be alone right now, you know. and if you'll be there, i'm not going anywhere. all right. ( cheers and applause ) what's it, four years? four years? we've got four very interesting years in front of us. ( laughter ) but i don't know about you all, i did not get a lot of sleep last night. did you sleep at all, jon. hours. >> stephen: three and a half hours, and those are jazz hours. walking around the streets of new york today, a lot of people a little. you know, you could see it in their eyes. there's no way around it-- thi this... this is what it feels like when america's made great again. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i was wondering. and i was really hoping it would
sucks. ( cheers and applause ) and i don't know if you guys had any trouble getting in here tonight because right now, tonight, thousand of people have taken to the streets in protests in cities all over america. ( cheers and applause ) as a matter of fact, in this neighborhood actually, times square group went right by the theater. jim, do we have-- yeah, we shot it outside, right outside of our office window. there's the-- there's the colbert sign right there. so i'm just saying, the unity thing might take a schooch longer than trump was hoping for. i just want to say, freedom of assembly, freedom of speech, first amendment it's most important things we can do
don't stop speaking your mind. don't ever be cowed by whatever happens in the next four years. but do keep in mind that for eight years a lot of people wouldn't accept barack obama was president of the united states. for instance, donald trump. ( laughter ) but, like it or not, for the record, not. we have to accept donald trump will be the 45th president of the united states ( booing no, no. listen, i get that feeling completely. i just had to say it one more time. i want to just keep saying it so i can say it without throwing up in my mouth a little bit. or feeling. ( cheers and applause ) there's actually-- there's actually-- i don't even you feel like-- it's like a little bit of a dream state. all day loang i had to remind myself, "oh, yeah, this is not a dream. i am not on a bad peyote trip on
this is real." whatever the g.o.p. is saying publicly today, i have a feeling they might be feeling the same way. because, remember, the republican party spent almost the entirety of this election in panic trying to stop donald trump from being their nominee, and when they could not, surprise! they won the presidency, both houses of congress, and soon, a new seat on the supreme court. it's like the g.o.p. got caught all fell screaming ten stories down and landed gently and have the doors open on a candy store where everything is free. i for me! i can gobble up all your rights. please, please, please. please, no more reproductive
in this metaphor, donald trump is willy wonka who has been genetically cross-bred with an oompa-loompa. now, one of the things, i had it this a little bit-- but i didn't spend he much time at home-- a lot of people are struggling this morning with, besides doing laundry of just their pant for some reason-- how to explain trump's victory to their kids, how do we tell them? well, i think this is one rare instance where we should look to the president-elect's example last night. >> hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. i mean that very sincerely. >> stephen: so just follow his lead, and lie.
reassuring voice that trump is going to be good, maybe, you know. maybe he'll be different from how he was and always is. ( laughter ) or-- can we tell the story? you okay with it? do what my show runner chris did. this is my show runner chris, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) chris, you told this story this morning. do you mind telling the story? >> sure. >> stephen: okay, so this morning you came in and you said that one of your sons woke you up this morning and what he say? >> he said, my older brother said donald trump won last night." and i said, "that's actually what happened." and he burst into tears. difficult-- change is difficult. >> stephen: this is the magic part. >> i said, "don't worry, son. being president is not that big of a job." >> stephen: okay? father of the year, right there.
better than that. just tell them anything. tell them the new president is elsa from "frozen." it's the only way to get them to ? let it go." i don't know what you should tell them. tell them what you always tell kids, be kind, don't be selfish, don't grab them where they don't want to be grabbed, and they'll make the world a better place than donald trump can. you know? ( cheers and i don't think kids really should have to care about who the president is. they should care aboutoloring books and legos, and whether eating pop rocks and coke will make your stomach explode. (whispering) it totally will, by the way. and if your child asks the ultimate question, "why do bad things happen to good people?" you finally have the answer-- the electoral college.
and if all else fails, i saw some footage last night of this kid, who was captured on camera at a congressional victory party. here he is, grandma is dancing in the background while he eyes that glass of wine. and welcome to the trump administration! yes, yes! there's a message of hope. clinton lost last night, but, by god, somewhere in america, a little boy learned to pound merlot like kathie lee gifford. ( cheers and applause ) do we have any? we don't have any. i had a couple of cocktails last night, and i gotta tell you, really helped, you know. you know who's taking this strangely well? hillary clinton. even though the possible first female president lost to a crotch-grabbing beauty pageant
>> donald trump is going to be our president. we owe him an open mind and the chance to lead. >> stephen: how are you already accepting this? did you pay extra for the fast pass through the five stages of grief? ( laughter ) you know acceptance is last, right? acceptance is the last one. ( cheers and applause ) you got the card. i think she's got the card upside down. they're shuffled up. you gotta go through every e. the first three are easy to remember: denial, anger and bargaining-- because that was trump's campaign strategy. then you've got depression, then acceptance. then dramatic haircut and rebound boyfriend. but i can't blame her. everybody processes grief differently. i heard elizabeth warren got a neck tattoo.
personally, i've made it all the way to depression. or, as a great president once tweeted: "sad." ( laughter ) that hurt. that hurt to say. my heart-- my heart actually hurt to say that. now, a lot of folks are very casually throwing around the idea of moving to canada, you be. plawz plawz. i know, canada, the language of minnesota. beautiful country, beautiful country, you're welcome. but don't reach for your passport yet, because last night, as the election returns were coming in, the canadian immigration website crashed. don't know why! a lot of websites went down last night. apocalypsebunkers.net, stresseatersanonymous.org, and klanklothing.biz yes, we klan! they're doing a brisk business.
they've got free healthcare and a prime minister who looks like the prince from "tangled." ( cheers and applause ) but listen up. everybody up there, every american who is thinking i'm going to canada. you don't get to flee to another country when things get rough here. being an american citizen is like family: you're in it whether you like it or not. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, for pete's sake, at thanksgivingen ernie hits the highballs and starts saying racist things about the help, you don't storm off from the table and move in with your nextdoor neighbor. you stay and elect him commander in chief! that's america! ( laughter ) you know when i'm feeling shaky sometimes-- i've been doing this all day. i did it last night when the returns were coming in. this is what i like to do, when
i think you guys might be a little shaky. i like to put these on. ( laughter ) and before, seconds ago i was sad. now, i'm a sexy kitty. ( cheers and applause ) okay? i know this truth, i know this truth-- trump may be president, but i'm still a sexy kitty. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? don't-- don't go far with those, mark. i might need them later. ( laughter ) now, one of the most shocking things about trump's election is that it is shocking. every pollster just shanked this one right into the woods. i mean, we might as well just ask a magic goat who's going to
that won't help, either, because they tried that in scotland, and it picked hillary clinton. thanks for nothing, magic goat! that's why you guys are the donkeys of sheep. ( laughter ) but-- but there are some polling traditions that are better than the so-called scientific polls this year. like this fish in india who chose to eat food off a picture of trump over a picture of it makes sense, because evidently, like a gold fish, trump voters' memories don't go back more than seven seconds. ( cheers and applause ) it's not as sexy without-- but most accurate of all is the the ways to prognosticate is the
well, guess what? this year's trump mask outsold clinton's. and i believe halloween masks can predict trump's cabinet, too. get ready for attorney general guy from "scream." i gotta say-- i gotta say-- guiliani's looking good there. ( cheers and applause ) he's happy. that's the happiest-- that's the happ i and, you know, i'm a man of some faith, and when bad things like this happen-- and this does feel bad-- i have to ask, how could god let this happen? >> let what happen, stephen? ( angelic choir ) >> stephen: god? >> that's my name. don't wear it out. what are you guys talking about? >> stephen: god, we're trying to figure out what happened with
you must all be excited about the first woman president. you're welcome, america. >> stephen: god, god, wait, what are you talking about? weren't you watching the election? >> no, i was binge-watching "narcos" on netflix. how much did hillary win by? >> stephen: lord, i'm sorry, but clinton lost. >> what the hell?! that scottish goat said she had it in the bag! ( laughter ) >> stephen: i know! i know! the fish was right! all the pollsters were wrong! >> hold on. let oo says here hillary got more votes than trump. >> stephen: yeah, well, that's the popular vote. she lost the electoral college. >> that again? i'm omniscient, and i don't even know how the hell that works. >> stephen: nobody does. anyway, lord, trump won. >> i guess i shouldn't be surprised that white men came out on top again, considering how everyone assumes i look. >> stephen: good point. >> stephen, i feel terrible about this whole thing.
really cuddly and also tastes good? >> stephen: no, thanks. that's very kind, but i think we're all good. can you at least tell us what what we should do? >> stephen, if you're really unhappy, i could just hit the reset button on humanity. you know, maybe send a flood or a plague of locusts. oh, i've been working on a new one where your heads melt like that nazi in "raiders of the lost ark." >> stephen: thank you, no. what, what? >> you drip like a candle. it's really cool. no, at this point, we just have to accept that you chose donald trump to be our president. >> hey! don't pin this on me! my wife will kill me! >> stephen: god, everybody! god! >> thanks everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. don't go anywhere. miles teller is here, neil degrasse tyson, and triumph the insult comic dog!
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to yet another live "late show" here from the ed sullivan theater in beautiful new york city. you know my first guest from the films "whiplash" and "war dogs." now he plays professional boxer vinny paz in the upcoming film "bleed for this." please welcome miles teller. ? ? ?
nice. very nice. sounding good. >> stephen: does sound good. >> stephen, i heard you singing backstage in my dressing room. i said, "who is that?" you have the voice of an angel. >> stephen: you're very sweet. >> you're very good. do you sing on the show very often or is that a hidden talent. >> stephen: sometimes. when jon stewart stops by. >> he has an amazing voice. >> stephen: i was sing ising jackson brown's >> it sounded great. >> stephen: it's a good song for today. look it up. can we talk about last night for a second? >> yes. >> stephen: because you're one of these fancy movie stars and you were at bobby de niro's election night party? >> yeah, i was. >> stephen: was that fun? >> it was -- >> because he-- he's very fun when he's angry. was he-- >> it was um-- you know, it started off, you know, at a-- at
went on, everybody in that room obviously was going for hillary. the best part about the whole thing for me was meeting paul mccartney. >> stephen: wow! >> so that was-- that was-- ( applause ) clap is up for paul he's the dude, he's the man. >> stephen: did he tell you any stories? did he tell you any stories like, "you know, when the ladz and i were, you know, you know, back in the star club in hamburg," stuff like that? >> yeah, kind of-- kind of along those lines. i actually did get to-- he was on his way out, but i did get a few questions in. my girlfriend snuck a photo in. happened. it's proof. i have the photo, stephen, do you know what i'm saying. >> stephen: you can tell your grandchildren. >> it erased in the clouds. i miss pictures. beautiful stage, by the way, too, it's my first time here. just the whole thing is unbelievable. >> stephen: it's gorgeous.
you got god. >> stephen: we d have god. >> popping in and out, as one does. >> stephen: he's on the staff. he's on the staff here. ( laughter ) you've got-- now-- let's move on from something-- let's leave the election and go on to something happier, you being repeatedly punched the face. >> another great, great. >> stephen: you are playing the boxer vinny paz. >> yeah. >> stephen: in the new movie "bleed for this." it's a truistic right? >> it's a true story. i think it's a movie-- it's coming out november 18. if you want to fundamental to get away from the election politics stuff and you just want to watch two people beat each other up, and watch an incredible comeback, which is really vinny-- in israel life he was a two-time world champion, and got in a car accident and broke his neck. and they said, "you might never walk again. you'll never box again. you can do spinal fusion or get the halo put in your head." they said, "spinal fusion you will guaranteed be able to
and went did the spinal fusion and five days later, he was bench pressing. for the six months he was injured, worked out the entire time, risked pra paralysis, and coming back and wins the world title. >> what, nobody wants to spar with me? >> hey. i'll spar with you. >> yeah? good. come on! what are you doing? hit me. >> i can't hit you, man. >> we're not dancing! >> you okay? >> yeah, i'm good.
>> stephen: did you actually get-- did you actually get punched in the face a bunch? >> you accidentally get punched in the face. people are on payroll to make sure you don't. >> stephen: he boxes for fun help he said he enjoys it. >> i saw that bit. yeah, he does. i don't know. >> stephen: is he okay? >> yeah, aaron's cool. yeah -- >> he's a really nice guy. >> very nice. >> something's' a little off. >> stephen: really? >> you know what i'm saying? i don't know. >> stephen: i'll show you something that's a little bit off. you trained for this part and got in shape, and here's what's off right here. everything's off right there. ( cheers and applause ) that's it. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: how long did that take? >> which part? ( laughter ) >> stephen: let's say, let's say the waxing. how long did that take? how long did it take to get in
>> i had to lose muscle to look like that. i walk around jacked, man, huge. >> stephen: damn. >> well, my muscles are relaxing because i'm enjoying myself. but when i have to perform i'm full on. >> stephen: did you have to lose body fat. what's your body fat? what's your percentable here? >> i got down to 6%. >> stephen: what! >> yeah, what? >> stephen: they say fromy 5% to 8% is the oscar zone. >> oh, yeah gr the academy is going to come in with >> um, just outside of oscar. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you don't know? >> i'm hunkering around golden globe body fat. >> stephen: good, good. good luck. thank you so much for being here. >> appreciate it. >> stephen: "bleed for this" opens nationwide friday november 18. miles teller, 6% body fat.
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. jon batiste and stay human, everybody. give it up for the band! ( cheers and applause ) hey, you know, people at home may not know this, but i come out before the show and i take questions from the audience. and frequently i get asked, "hey, who is your favorite guest you have on the show?" and, you know, i like a lot people coming on the show. i feel very grateful that anybody comes on any of the shows i'm on, but i always say this, and i mean it from the heart, my favorite guest is my next one, mr. neil degrasse tyson. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ?
stephen. >> stephen: we redecorated for you tonight. >> i love what you did with the place. >> stephen: we have a galaxy up there tonight. >> you have stars, and your dome has a galaxy on it. >> stephen: i don't know which one it is, but it's one of the nice ones. >> that's beautiful. >> stephen: now, neil, thanks for being here. how did you spend election night? >> i was with-- i have a close friend who an election party and it kind of ended early. that's all -- >> some people have drinking games. any like that? >> i was never a drinking game person. >> stephen: i played a drinking game last night. i took a shot every time i wanted to kill my feelings. it worked, it worked. i like something you said. you said we spend too much time bashing trump. what do you mean by that? >> no, no, i said, i think as a culture we've somehow become politician bashers. when if-- the politician is representing an electorate. so, really, if you're against a
voter base, fellow citizens of this country. so i as an educator, when i want to educate people, i don't say, "don't vote for this person or vote for that person." i just simply educate you, so when the time comes, you can make as informed a decision as you can. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's very positive. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: now, when we were talking at the top of the show here, you and i were up on the roof-- >> you visit meade. >> stephen: talking about the cosmic perspective. what's y right now? highway can people use the cosmic perspective? illucidate that a little bit more for us. >> so for me, it's just what the-- as i said in the open what the world looks like after you've studied the vastness of the universe. and you come back to earth, and there's this little speck, and people worrying and fighting. and in fact, the best account of the cosmic perspective i have written here. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> here we go. >> stephen: is that always with you?
>> okay. all right. "you develop an instint global consciousness. a people orientation, an intense dissatisfaction with the state of the world and a compulsion to do something about it. from out there on the moon, international politics looks so petty. you want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter million miles away and say 'look at that, you son of a that is edgar mitchell, apollo 14 astronaut. that is the cosmic perspective. i couldn't say it better than that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'll tell you what, we've got to take a quick break here. stick around. we've got more neil degrasse tyson to come. he's the best. ? ? ? ( applause ) the world is full of surprising moments.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're back here with ties. i'm your host, sexy kitty cat. >> this is a live show. >> stephen: it is a live show. >> i can poke you and they can't edit it or anything. >> stephen: i can also punch you and they can't edit it, either. you are also the author of "star talk," and the host talk" radio. you working on anything else? do you have any other projects we need to know about? >> i have another book, too. >> stephen: you have another book? oh, this one, you mean, the one i also have back here, called, "welcome to the universe." >> welcome to the universe. you have to say it right. >> stephen: i don't think i can do that. legally, i don't think i can be that ties-y. >> this is an exploration on the
is a mile deep. >> stephen: the universe? >> this book on the universe. >> stephen: it takes my mind off the election for a second, blow my mind about something. >> i can do that. >> stephen: blow my mind. >> let me just say, i think we have a four-year mission now. i think what we need to do, let us, together, make america smart again. ( cheers and applause ) just sayin''. >> stephen: i'm a fan. >> okay? >> stephen: a >> let's make america smart again. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan of rationality and the scientific method. >> you need something to blow your mind, take your mind off the election. >> stephen: something about the universe, something that you just found out. >> a billion years ago ago two black holes collided. they released as much energy in a tenth of a second as 10 times all the energy radiated by all the stars in the universe at that time.
moving at the speed of light, a gravitational wave. there it was, a billion years ago on earth, our life ancestors were single-celled organisms, trying to evolve into something more ambitious than microorganisms. a half a billion years ago, the cam brian explosion of life, life got interesting. it developed limb limbs, eyes, o motion. after that, fast forward, we have the dinosaurs. by the way, this the fabric of space and time is still moving through space at the speed of light. 65 million years another the giant lizards we call dinosaurs went and i think when the asteroid hit, and the mamalian ancestors, can can now rise up and occupy this niche, freshly pried open by this asteroid. so this mammal branch would create a subset of itself known as primates. and among those primates
human. and in the community of humans, we developed big brains, capacity to communicate, civilization, and we birthed someone called albert einstein. and in 1916, he advanced the general theory of relativity, predicting the existence of these gravity waves. at that point, that gravity wave was 100 light-years from earth and still headed our way. 100 years later, last year, at the end of last year, thate washed over the earth, just when we were able to turn on detectors to notice that that would happen in the first place. and we used lasers to do so, that were first predicted by einstein back in-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: 19... 16. >> einstein laid down the equations for the development of the laser, and 100 years later, we discover gravitational waves using lasers.
i just have to stop you for a second. because i want to point out about 30 seconds ago, i think you blew your own mind there. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm sorry. i gotta-- i gotta call self-mind blown. we've got to go because we're live. but thank you so much for being here. >> thank you "star talk" the show is on national geographic, and "star talk" the book is in stores. welcome to the ymps. we'll be right back with trumph
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? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is an old friend and veteran of the campaign trail, and a toy rotwieller. please welcome triumph the insult comic dog. nice to see you again. >> thank you, it's great to be here. sexy kitty! >> stephen: you do a very sexy kitty cat. >> thank you. >> stephen: does it feel good? >> it feels better. it feels better. one more thing. okay, okay.
now, i'm really good. >> stephen: triumph. >> yes. >> stephen: you've got your-- you are here in summit of the triumph election watch 2016. >> yes. >> stephen: your coverage-- >> emmy nominated. >> stephen: emmy-nominated exaem. are you going to win? >> no, no, it already happened. the emmys. >> stephen: sorry. >> you're just pretending it didn't happen. >> stephen: if i'm not nominated, i don't care. all right. it's on hulu, right? >> it's on hulu. and look how big i am. i made the cover of the "new t >> stephen: you are on the cover of the "new york times" today. we have it reet here. >> triumph! triumph! right there! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's-- that's-- that's really about trump, you know. >> look -- >> and it's soaking, wet, triumph. >> don't mind the pee-pee. that's not directed towards trump. i just wanted to pee on the "new york times" before trump knocks it out of business.
>> stephen: covering elections for years. >> yes. >> stephen: why did the people in the media not see this one coming? >> like yourself, the elitists. >> stephen: okay. >> it's the elitists that doesn't dnt see it. you underestimated trump. folks, it turns out donald trump, only donald trump was in touch with the american people. though, most of them against their will. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: so, you're saying we didn't understand-- we-- >> you underestimated the voters. you know, people are blaming the election on voters being stupid. can which i think is very unfair to the racists. ( rim shot ) you elitists, you need to go out, go out and see the real america. i hear the meth is amazing! ( laughter ) >> stephen: so-- >> i mean, it has to be. look who they voted for! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so, but all the
just-- it wasn't just pundits. it was like, there were people with science. what about the pollsters. >> oh, my god, listen, i don't know what happened withinate silver. i don't want to say five 38 is flawed but they have hillary's chances at 34% put but don't worry. >> stephen: do you think they'll be able to improve their model next time? >> yes, they've come up with a plan to fix their problem. they're upping their margin of error to 100%. ( rim sho >> stephen: okay, so, why-- so why did clinton lose, specifically? do you have any idea why she lost? >> because hillary, it's-- people talk about her-- the sound of her voice. it's not that. hillary didn't have an issue. she ran on nothing. but, meanwhile, donald trump had a clear message. "i have a hat. won't you you join me and my
for god's sake. it's a red hat! >> stephen: what can we expect? open your mouth-- >> you know who i feel bad for. >> stephen: who? >> i feel bad for poor tim kaine. you know, all summer he's been forced to talk in spanish. so much during the campaign, you know, it's a fact. he can no longer speak until someone presses the number 2 on their phone. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( rim shot >> from your vantage point, what can we expect from president trump? >> i want to be optimistic. don't you think he can do what he promised and return us to a better time, like yesterday afternoon? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( rim shot ) ( cheers and applause ) no, it's going to be exciting? really, in what way? how is it going to be exciting?
which i assume is to buy it and trun like one of his casinos. ( rim shot ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you really think he can be trusted as commander in chief? >> oh, please! all this everyone worried. he's a mad man! he's donald trump up and know what? if there's any consolation, folks, the finger on the button is going to be really, really tiny. ( laughter ) so he might miss it. he'll miss it or have to perez it s up. "oh, this button, screw it!" >> stephen: what about cabinet rumors? people are trying to figure out who will fill his cabinet. >> big cabinet rumors. no word yet about chris christie if he will have a job. but trump announced the creation of a new cabinet called "secretary, are you going to finish that?" i think christie is going to be a high-ranking cabinet member, or he'll be the wall.