tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC November 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> dicky: from >> dicky: from hollywood, it's ?jimmy kimmel live?! tonight, from the world champion chicago cubs, kris bryant, carol burnett and music from barker. and now, i'm almost certain, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and a [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: very >> jimmy: very nice. thank you.
that's very kind, thank you. the reason i have these bags is because by this time tomorrow night, if all goes as expected, if the polls are accurate, if the projections are correct, i will be the next vice president of the united states! [ cheers and applause ]u. thank you. so i have my luggage packed because as soon as i am officially declared the winner after i calls of congratulation and concession from the lose esreservers, aka mike pence and tim kaine, i will leap on air force two, i will shove joe biden out of air force two, and fly directly to my new home in washington, d.c. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. i brought my own pillow so i can nap on the way there. i'm not using joe biden's pillows, i'll going to have my own.
the rope is simple. i've surrounded myself with people who only tell me what i want to hear. am i going to win tomorrow? >> guillermo: you're going to win tomorrow, yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how >> jimmy: how do i look tonight, guillermo? >> guillermo: great, fantastic! >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like i look great because i feel great because of daylight saving time. i got an extra hour's sleep. it was i'll tell you something, when i am vice president, we're going to turn our clocks back an hour every weekend. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. we'll go all the way back into saturday if we have to. i hate resetting the clocks. i bought two houses so i don't have to -- i have one house for spring forward and then i move to the other one for fall back. i have a lot of great ideas. since we are less than 24 hours away from the polls i thought it might be wise to make my closing
please bring in my podium here. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] my fellow americans, six months ago i stood on the steps of this theater and i promised you that i would not rest until i became your vice president. that turned out not to be true, i have rested a few times since then. i've been on this pillow. i had to. i've been fighting my critics to the point of exhaustion. they said i couldn't launch a solo run for vice president. they said it was a waste of time. they said it was illegal. definitely. [ laughter ] did it hurt my feelings? yes. did i cry? yeah, i cried a lot. but i have not wavered from my mission. i have never wavered to my mission. before you go to the polls tomorrow i want to remind you a vote for jimmy kimmel is a vote for a good solid number two, and who doesn't want that? [ cheers and applause ] take this take this podium. take this luggage too.
we have an exciting final show for me here tonight. from the world champion chicago cubs kris bryant is with us. [ cheers and applause ] not only champion, he will probably be league mvp after what many believe was the greatest game seven ever. the cubs had their victory parade in chicago on friday. and after 108 years, these fans were fired up. >> you guys came why? >> because the c >> sorry about that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and then one of the pitchers from the cubs jon lester got onstage and the curse of the billy goat continued. >> jon lester! how about this [ bleep ]. sorry, kids. >> jimmy: yeah.
the great carol burnett is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] very exciting. and we have music from chicago's own vic mensa with travis barker. [ cheers and applause ] i do want to say something. if you haven't yet registered to vote, it's not -- oh, wait, it is too late, forget it, you don't get to sote. tomorrow we will elect either biff from "back to the future" or one of the robots from "west world." you will decide. this is interesting. i read over the weekend there used to be a drinking on election day. people used to get drunk like st. patrick's day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent that happening. i think this is the year to bring that tradition back. [ cheers and applause ] if everyone who votes -- if there's one thing that we learned from this election, it's that we never, ever should have taught our moms how to use facebook, that was a mistake. there's been a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. whoever wins i want us to all promise one thing.
we tried democracy, i think we proved we're not mature enough to handle it, we can't do this, let's go back to only caring about pet videos. in other words, stand in line and then take that "i voted" sticker and put it right over your lips. we don't want to hear about it anymore. in less than 24 hours the election will be over. the race for the white house in 2020 will begin in two months, i guess. for a while, at least, we can give the cable news and all the screaming surrogates a rest. cn nell hughes on a lot. she's a trump supporter. last night she had a very authentic take on jay-z and his appearance at a clinton campaign event over the weekend. >> when you look at jay-z, we talked about this that night, he might be working on it but one of his main videos starts off with a crowd throwing mazel tov cocktails at the police. very much anti-police message that beyonce has had this
>> not mazel tov cocktails. involved deand involved dea hillary clinton got good news yesterday. fbi director james comey, who sent a letter to congress saying not so fast, we found more e-mails, sent another letter to congress yesterday basically saying, never mind. toured out almost all the e-mails were duplicates of e-mails they'd already looked at, which is pretty -- the fbi, they make bad decisions. remember that time they hired keanu reeves to go undercover as a surfer? [ laughter ] dumb. hillary clinton was in pembroke pines, florida, on saturday where not even rain could rain on her parade. >> you are a hardy bunch to stand out here in the rain. i don't think i need to tell you, all of the wrong things about donald trump. but here's what i want you to remember. i want to be the president for everybody.
don't agree with me, people who vote for me, people who don't vote for me -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: say what you want about hillary clinton, what a beautiful, soothing delivery she has, you know? in fact, i've always said that reminds me of something -- >> >> let's get out! let's vote for the future! let's vote for what we want for ou god bless you! >> jimmy: turned out the election was just a very bad dream. here's an interesting campaign twist. according to the "new york times" donald trump's twitter account is now controlled by members of his campaign staff. they took it away from him. which is a great idea they should have had 400 days ago. [ laughter ] trump is bulldozing his way to the finish line. he was in five states today. and he was in wilmington, north carolina, over the weekend where
campaign edition of "drunk donald trump." [ playing tape slowly ] >> >> wow. so folks, i'm going to -- see you guys in a little while. but what am i going to do? what do i have to say? i'm going to leave. good-bye, everybody. i'm leaving. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i believe he just did. i'm going to miss you, donald trump. his wife melania trump is good when you slow her down so we did that, please welcome to the stage drunk melania trump. [ playing tape slowly ]
you about my husband, donald trump. who will make a fantastic president. >> jimmy: my only regret is that woman gets to know melania better. if the polls are to be believed mrs. clinton has a solid lead going into tomorrow. the fbi e-mail thing did hurt her a bit, but that was more than offset by a maj today from maybe the most unlikely supporter of all. if you haven't seen this yet, buckle your lap belts because it is huge. >> america needs a strong leader in hillary clinton. take it from someone who knows her well. >> i know her very well, i know her husband very well, i like them both. >> donald trump knows that hillary will work hard for you. >> i think she really works hard and i think she does a good job. >> he trusts her experience.
of state? probably above and beyond everybody else. >> he knows that she will bring back peace and prosperity. >> look at what happened during the clinton years. we had no war. the economy was doing great. everybody was happy. >> he knows which party is best for the economy. >> the economy does better under the democrats than the republicans. >> and he just likes her. >> i just like her. >> and her husband. >> i like her and i like her husband. he's a really good guy and she's a really good person and woman. >> most of all, donald trump america needs is a sexual predator in the white house. >> you think about him with the women, how about me with the women? >> this election, join donald trump in saying no to donald trump. and supporting his opponent. >> hillary clinton! >> i'm donald trump and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. we have a good show tonight. music from vic mensa, carol burnett is here, be right back
get ready to experience a cup above. nespresso. what else? whatcha got whatcha got there? whatcha got new cheez-it sandwich crackers sandwich with a d sammich... sandwich sammich sammich see!!! ahahaha! we take time for our cheese to mature, in our new cheez-it sandwich crackers. sammiches... you you totaled your brand new car.
it comes when your insurance company says they'll only pay three-quarters of what it takes to replace it. what are you supposed to do? drive three-quarters of a car? now if you had liberty mutual new car replacement?, you'd get your whole car back. i guess they don't want you driving around on three wheels. smart. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, we'll replace the full value of your car. liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. ? ? ? ? ?
>> jimmy: welc >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. one of the all-time television greats, she has a new back book such good com such good
company," carol burnett is with us. carol burnett will not like this. this is his latest album "there's a lot going on." vic mensa and travis barker. later this week, we have quite a week on the show. we're preempted tomorrow because of that stupid election.
don't, gigihadid, music from banks, butch banks, butch walker, t.i. and willie nelson too. please join us for all of that. late last wednesday night our first guest, look at him here, helped to transform a team of long-time loveable lose ers, th world champion cubs. he is the probable national league most valuable player from the chicago kris bryant! [ cheers and [ cheers and applause ] ? >> have a >> have a seat. i'm glad to see you and the goat have finally made peace, that's really nice. how you doing? >> doing good.
[ laughter ] >> we won a pretty important game recently. >> jimmy: you did? congratulations, i didn't see that. was that on tv? was that a televised game? >> yeah, quite a few people were watching. >> jimmy: what was the best game you'd ever been involved with previous to that? >> i mean -- probably game six of the nlcs. >> jimmy: game six of the nlcs. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> it's unbelievable. just this whole postseason played in games that meaningful and that were that good. that was one of the best game sevens of any sport. >> jimmy: i don't know that anyone has. people keep saying one of the best. i've been trying to think of one that was better and i can't. i mean, first of all, the history obviously. and then just how excited everyone in the up to was. 5 million people show up to the parade. >> yeah. >> jimmy: which i think is all of the people. [ laughter ] they had to import people from
parade. >> yeah, i -- you know, just go sit on the bus there and, i mean, it was probably five miles from wrigley field to downtown. there was just people lined through the streets. i mean, i was trying to make out people's faces and heads and it just looked like a blur, so many people. i've never seen that many people. you know, in one spot. what was cool, you know, three days after that, we're going to the field to clean out our lockers and stuff. you know, i was doing a commercial, what was it, yesterday. there's probably 3,000 people waiting outside. just outside the left field gate. cheering for us. when we're just cleaning out our locker. i was like, this doesn't get old. [ laughter ] this is pretty cool. >> jimmy: pretty cool. [ cheers and applause ] you were wearing this. you were wearing a wwe championship belt at the parade.
and why? >> why? no, i was in the clubhouse before, like an hour before we left. i saw this, it was like in a nice little case. i was like, this looks like a belt. everybody has cool -- anthony rizzo got to take the trophy home when we won. i'm like, i've got to find something cool to wear for the parade. >> jimmy: that was just there? >> it was just there. i didn't realize they did that. i pay no attention when people win -- i guess they did do it in the nba, the nf these belts. i'm like, i'm wearing that, that's pretty cool. i wore it the whole day. and i guess they wanted it back. i was like, nope. >> jimmy: they wanted to take it back from you? >> i guess. i mean, i don't know. i was like, nope. >> jimmy: i don't care if they have to sue you, stick with that, that was yours. >> i didn't hear that. >> jimmy: when you were playing in the game, there was a big -- for those who didn't see it, if you didn't you really missed something. you guys were on top, then the indians detail back and tied in the eighth with a home run, and
enough, it started to rain. seemed like it was raining really hard. i was watching on tv. was it raining very hard? >> it was okay. it started out -- we play through that all the time. you know, then it started pouring. it's like, of course this happens. we hate rain delays. i mean, you stop the game -- >> jimmy: they delay the game. [ laughter ] >> it stinks. >> jimmy: and you get wet. >> that was the best thing for us, thing? >> we recouped and had a meeting in the weight room there. jason heyward led the way. >> jimmy: what did he say? >> we were crying -- >> jimmy: crying? >> yeah, like -- it's upsetting -- we hadn't won a world series in 108 years. >> jimmy: yeah. >> like we were up three runs, then gave up one. obviously you're ral dischapman is one of the best closers in the game, 105 is pretty hard to hit. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah.
it wasn't going to be easy. it's never easy with the chicago cubs. >> jimmy: you have a team meeting. >> it was more of like, you know -- we come all this way, we love everybody here, you know, it's nobody's fault, you know, we're still going to do this. we've been doing it all year. i mean, there's so many times throughout the year. we won a lot of games but -- we came back a lot. >> jimmy: right. >> kind of this identity of the team. to do it in the biggest game ever -- [ cheers and applause ] one member of the indians was giving his team the same speech in the other clubhouse at that very same time? >> that's a tough one. i mean, usually in rain delays you're like, i'm going to go on my phone, check instagram. >> jimmy: no checking stain gram this time. >> it's like, yeah, this stinks. i don't know. >> jimmy: let's watch this clip. i love this. you're fielding. this is the last out. if you make this play you're going to win the world series. you have a big smile on your face.
luckily, because -- i mean, it's a great clip yanchts. >> jimmy: it's one of those clips we're going to see forever. when you're old we're going to be seeing that clip. i'll be dead but other people will be seeing it. [ laughter ] but if you hadn't -- if you had thrown that ball into the dugout with a big smile on your face? [ laughter ] it would have been the worst thing that ever happened to anyone. >> i know. it would have. i mean, i don't know if i was ready for that. raining are, it slips. i'm like, are you kidding me? is that how it's going to happen? you make an error there and -- you know. haven't won a world series in that long. see ya. forever. >> jimmy: yeah. >> thankfully. >> jimmy: you are from las vegas, nevada. i am also from las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] we both grew up there. this is you and your dad. your dad, his goal was that you
>> jimmy: you think so? >> what's cool about it -- i mean, from what i hear, i wasn't alive when he was playing, but from all the stories i hear, he was a really good player. and it's cool to kind of see -- i mean, he's dad. he gets excited. he leaves -- he stays with me when he visits, he leaves before i even wake up. >> jimmy: he's at the field ready for you? >> yeah, wrigleyville's awesome, so much to do. he's out there -- [ cheers and applause ] he's hanging with the fans. and like for me it's >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's special to me. he worked so hard. put a batting cage in the backyard when i was 5 years old. and there's been some improvements. i built a way better one for him. i mean, he was in the 110-degree heat doing hitting lessons. i mean, like dad, you're going to kill yourself, what are you doing? i was like, okay, wee we need to get you a nicer place. yeah, he spent the hours. >> jimmy: thank god or you would
>> jimmy: we're going to take a break. kris bryant is here with us! [ cheers and [ cheers and applause ] ? did portions of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by drop canada premium drinks. a delicious cocktail mixer for your next party. ? but till you came along ? ? we counted on our fingers and toes ? ? now you're here to stay ? ? and nobody really knows... ? get zero down, zero deposit, zero due at signing, and zero first month's payment... ...on select volkswagen models. right now at the volkswagen sign then drive event. ah, beth. so the elevator is stuck again. with directv and at&t you can stream your favorite shows without using your data. that makes you more powerful than being stuck in an elevator
[ cheers and a [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: t >> jimmy: that's kris bryant in chicago. the cubs victory parade. that's unbelievable. >> the best thing i've ever been a part of. >> jimmy: the best thing you're ever going to be a part of. >> and i'd just won the world series and it's like, this is way cooler! >> jimmy: it's the only i've ever seen. >> i guess they're gone. >> jimmy: you're getting married soon also. [ cheers and applause ] when are you getting married? >> when? january. i think. >> jimmy: will you invite those 5 million people to the wedding? >> we're going to try to keep it -- >> jimmy: will your teammates be invited? >> if they want to come. >> jimmy: all? like class where you have to invite everybody, one of those
are you hoping certain members of the team do not show up? [ laughter ] >> i hope travis wood shows up with a shirt on. [ laughter ] but yeah. i mean, anthony rizzo's going to be in the wedding which is cool, he's one of my good friends. >> nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> it will be fun. >> jimmy: yeah. i heard -- is it true that somebody found your bridal registry and people have been sending you gifts? >> yeah. i mean, it's -- [ laughter ] yeah. i mean -- we heard of -- the pitchers, i guess someone found his too. my fiancee was looking and like, 15 items just got bought. it's like, so we're registered? [ laughter ] crate and barrel and bed bath and beyond. >> jimmy: are you really? >> yeah, i think so. i went to bed, bath & beyond with a little thing, shooting the bar codes. >> there is a gentleman here in
i know you ran into him for a second in the green room backstage. but his name is ryan. and for those who haven't seen the clip, show the clip of ryan before we see ryan. yes. now that's ryan.er was any member of your team --h] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: -- crying harder than ryan was? [ cheers and applause ] ryan, come up here for a second. come up here for a second. [ cheers and applause ] >> ryan, >> ryan, that's awesome. >> jimmy: have a seat right there. tell kris and be serious. just looking at kris' beautiful blue eyes. you also happen to have beautiful cubs blue eyes. tell him how much this meant to you as a long-time cubs fan. >> don't cry. >> i'll try. >> jimmy: i'd love it if you
>> no, no. >> anything for tv. >> jimmy: that would be a huge win for me, yeah. >> i think we found that no one is immune to what is happening right now. >> jimmy: don't look at me, look at kris. >> i can't look at kris. [ laughter ] but this has been an amazing experience. everybody i know in my life that has been part of my life and me growing up this has been a huge deal. it's ridiculous. it happened, i still can't believe it. i'm dreaming right now. i'm sitting next to kris bryant on the jimmy kim >> jimmy: well >> jimmy: well, if you want to go on a date, we'd be happy to pay for it. kris is getting married, this is your last chance! i don't think you'll ever find love like this from a woman, i'm just telling you right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you're awesome. >> i actually watched the video. i don't know how i ran upon it.
awesome. but like -- just winning the whole thing, it's like you see a lot of that. people crying, grown men crying. like wow. for me it's cool to kind of have that effect on people. >> jimmy: yeah. right. it is, of course it's cool. >> i was crying. i was going to cry either way, if we lost. >> jimmy: i'm going to cry right now. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. thank you, kris. thank you, ryan for providing tears. kris bryant, everybody. be right back with carol
[montage of [montage of chatter] [montage of chatter] [montage of chatter] ? my mother passed 2003, but she always told me i don't care if you turn out to be a great athlete or whatever but, you need to make sure you get your college degree. sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. (phone ringing) answering machine: hi, leave a message after the beep. (beep) hey mom, this is larry. i just want to let you know that uh, i fulfilled the promise that you held me to. love you.
.com. ? ?i had to leave my happy home in exile? ?oh which way should i go?? ?home is where i want to be? ?home? we love being green. so the nest learning thermostat connects to your phone, and learns what you like, to help you save energy. and that's something everyone can appreciate. come into olive garden now for our never ending pasta bowl starting at $9.99! endless combinations of your favorite pastas, sauces and toppings. now including chicken alfredo. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. hurry, this never ending value ends soon. at olive garden. lips appear to age faster than other skin. no worries! now there's chapstick total hydration. it's 100% natural, age-defying formula is clinically proven
>> jimmy: >> jimmy: that's what we were looking for. still to come, mensa and travis barker. i have been hoping our next guest would be on this
show since we started almost 14 years ago. turns out we were calling the wrong number. [ laughter ] she is a comedy legend and has six emmys, a peabody, a presidential medal of freedom to prove it. her new book is called ?in such good company." please welcome carol burnett! [ cheers and a [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: i'm >> jimmy: i'm very pleased to have you here. >> i'm pleased that you're having me here. >> jimmy: i was in a van with my parents this weekend. we were driving. they were driving me home. i was a little drunk, i'll be honest. >> good they were driving. >> they told me, call me whenever you're drun it since high school. we were talking about how exciting it was that you were on the show tonight. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we would as a family watch you. i don't know if people even do that anymore. >> well, that was -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: every saturday night we watched you. >> yeah, you know, back then there were only three channels. so it was a point, television, people would sit with their family and watch the shows. that doesn't happen anymore. >> jimmy: everybody has a tv in
>> jimmy: it's also because the show was so yate and so -- i mean, really, i was watching videos today. and it's still funny. which you can't say about many comedies. >> funny's funny. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: one of the all-time greatest shows. and that was my childhood. your childhood took place right here in this neighborhood. hard to believe. >> i was raised here in hollywood on yucca and wilcox. >> jimmy: right down the block. >> which is right down the block. i went to selma school, hollywood high, which is right here. and when we were growing up, when we got bored flying kites or playing jungle girl or whatever, we would go climb the hollywood sign. >> jimmy: you would hike up the mountain there? >> hike up to it, yeah. and i mean, climb the sign. the scaffolding behind the letters. and it was all rickety.
but we would climb up. we would get splinters. and then lean over the letters. the the the os were my favorite. i loved the os. i'd go, hello hollywood! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you did that regularly? >> oh, yes. you can't anymore because they've got a fence around it. they've redone it and everything. >> jimmy: did hollywood ever answer back? >> shut up! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what was your first job in this area? >> i was an usherette as they used to call them. for warner brothers theater on wilcox and hollywood boulevard. >> jimmy: wow. again, right on our block. >> i was in school. i was about 17, 18 years old. and it was -- that was a time when they would dress us up in funny outfits.
of a funny jacket with epaulets and a fez on the said and stuff. you know. and we would -- i was the spot girl. i stood in the middle of the lobby in an amber spotlight directing the audience. because i had a loud voice. aisle 2, straight ahead! the stairway to your right! that kind of thing. then one night i was standing in front of aisle 2 door. and this was when people would go to the movies and the movies would keep running. so they'd come in sometime in the middle of a movie, sit down, see the last part, wait, see the first part, and say, oh, this is where we came in, and they'd leave. bizarre but that's the way it was then. i was standing in front of aisle 2 one night. and this couple wanted to be seated the last five minutes of an alfred hitchcock movie.
suspense director. >> jimmy: sure. >> "strangers on a train." and this couple came. and i said, oh, please. i'm a movie nut. i said, no, don't, don't, it's going to ruin it for you, wait, it's going to start again in another ten minutes, go to the bathroom, get some popcorn, but don't -- we want to sit down! and i said, please, you can't. the manager came up. and he was kind of certifiable anyway. he said, what's going on here? and this girl said, s he said, burnett? i said, yes, sir? he went -- and ripped off my eppalettes. >> jimmy: wow. almost like in a cartoon. >> i was fired. right on the spot. drummed out of the corps. so the nice thing -- is that years later, when they said where do you want your star on hollywood boulevard? [ laughter ]
>> here' >> here's the topper, also that theater was being renovated or torn apart or whatever. and i now have the door in my home that i was fired in front of. >> jimmy: really? [ cheers and applause ] i love that you -- i never imagined you would be vindictive and i hey of have to say i love it. after the show let's go to home depot, we'll buy a couple of shovels, we'll find his grave, dig him [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: carol burnett is here! we'll be right back.
just just press "clean" and let roomba from irobot help with your everyday messes. roomba navigates your entire home. cleaning up pet hair and debris for up to 2 hours. which means your floors are always clean. you and roomba, from irobot. better. together. can a toothpaste do everything well? this clean was like pow! it added this other level of clean to it.
* i actually really like the 2 steps. step 1, cleans. step 2, whitens. every time i used this together, it felt like leaving the dentist office. crest hd. 6x cleaning*, 6x whitening** i would switch to crest hd over what i was using before. crest. healthy, beautiful smiles for life. when it comes to healthcare, seconds can mean the difference between life and death. time is life. we have 18,000 people around the world. the microsoft cloud helps our entire staff stay connected and work together in real time to help those that need it. the ability to collaborate changes how we work. what we do together
discover discover card. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. well thank you. free at at discover.com/creditscorecard, even if you're not a customer. liberty mutual stood with me when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. liberty did what?
was snap a photo of the damage and voila! voila! (sigh) i wish my insurance company had that... wait! hold it... hold it boys... there's supposed to be three of you... where's your brother? where's your brother? hey, where's charlie? charlie?! you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you. liberty stands with you? liberty mutual insurance cheez-it grooves are the perfect union of a cheez-it and a chip. you mean like they got married? umm... i guess... you'd make a pretty bride in that wedding gown. oh, it's a lab coat so... hey everyone, joe's getting married! bam bam ba bam... oh, i'm not... we take time for our cheese
i was editor of "hollywooschoola school" newspaper. one time i got the idea, which i thought was brilliant, of interviewing tame miscellaneous people for the paper who went to hollywood high. and i had one all set up. lana turner. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> major, major movie star. and then some snitch -- [ laughter ] told on me that i'd be cutting classes and the principal said, but the nice thing is lana turner was -- once came on my show. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you had the ultimate revenge, i guess. >> i did. >> jimmy: yet people in your past need to be punished in various ways. >> that's right. >> jimmy: a lot of the stories in the book are about making "the carol burnett show." you watched how many episodes? >> 276. >> jimmy: 276. >> not all. not all the way through or i wouldn't be here still. i'd be doing it. >> jimmy: what was that like?
through a lot of the sketches that i remembered. i wanted to jog my memory about -- so it was kind of fun to just see the change in all of us. the growth. especially vicki lawrence. she was 17, 18 when she came on our show. >> jimmy: wow, i didn't realize that. >> how she grew. harvey, who was brilliant from the get-go. i even matured and changed. of course i did, i aged. but i got better. watch. >> jimmy: tim conway, was he as -- because he always cracked you guys up. when you were doing the show you'd crack each other up. was he as funny off-camera as he was on the show? >> tim would do things for himself too. without an audience. just his sense of humor. i remember this one time, my husband and i went to a party with the gang in the valley.
with his head swathed in toilet paper. he had eyeholes poked in. he wasn't drunk, he was just doing this bit. looked like the invisible man. you know. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and so somebody took, back then, a polaroid picture of him. and it came out kind of the size of your driver's license picture. so he cut it out. and this was before everything got laminated and he stuck it, the picture, on over the top of his real driver's license picture. so now he's driver's license picture shows him with the toilet paper. now the party's ended. still wrapped in the toilet paper, he gets in his car. [ laughter ] he's driving in a little -- trust avenue in the valley, no
and he knows there's a cop that's kind of over this corner. and so he purposely didn't stop for the stop sign. he just kind of went through. and now the cop is coming after him. he pulls over. [ laughter ] the cop gets out. he said, okay, let me see your license. >> jimmy: that >> jimmy: that's fantastic. this book is full of all sorts of great stories. carol burnett! ?in such good company? is out now. thank you so much for being here. we'll be back with vic mensa and travis barker! >> dicky: the >> dicky: the ?jimmy kimmel
by ciroc. let's get it. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank kris bryant and carol burnett, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first, his ep. it's called "there's a lot going on." here with the song ?16 shots? with some help from travis barker - vic mensa! ? ? thanks to the world we got our boots strapped ? 100 deep on stage street where the troops at ? ? the mayor lying saying he didn't see the video footage ? ? and everybody want to know where the truth at ? ? on the south side where it's no trau the most trauma ? a lot of cannons but you don't want no drama ? i can't imagine if it was my own mama ? ? got her first born son stole from her he never had a chance ? ? and we all know it's cause he black shot 'em 16 times how corrupt that is ? ? now the police superintendent wanna double back ? ? cops speeding up to the block like a runnin' back ? ?
? ready for t ? ready for the war we got our boots strapped 100 deep on stage street where the troops at ? ? the mayor lying saying he didn't see the video footage ? ? and everybody want to know where the truth at ? ? on the south side where it's no trauma centers but the most trauma a lot of cannons but you don't ? ? want no drama i can't imagine if it was my own mama ? ? got her first born son stole from her he never had a chance ? ? and we all know it's cause he black shot 'em 16 times how corrupt is that ? ? now the police superintendent wanna double back ? ? cops speeding up to the block like a runnin' back ? ? tension ? tension is high you can see it in our eyes you want to violate ? ? screaming out oink oink bang bang gang gang gang gang murder murder murder they mind state ? ? i just made me a mil' and still militant this ain't conscious ra conscious rap this ignorant hair trigger ? ? ain't no fun when the rabbit got the gun when i cock back police better run ?
? one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ? ? sixteen shots and we buckin' back sixteen shots ? ? sixteen shots and we buckin' back sixteen shots ? ? they threw a little girl down on the pavement pushed her off the bike ? ? and said stay out the way she was bleedin' on the ground through her braces ? ? this is what happens when black folk don't stay in their places ? ? the mayor duckin' when he fired the superintendent but resignation come with bonuses and recognition ? ? so we gon' break in the stores on magnificent mile and if we gotta go let's go to prison in style ? stayin' out of jail but bobby shmurda can't even catch bail ? so it's one two three four five six ? ? now i got everybody yelling out ? ? one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ? ? one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ? ? sixteen shots and we buckin' back sixteen shots ?
16 shots ? 16 shots ? ? ? ? me and lord ? me and lord got a clip with an extendo and we rollin' with it hangin' out the window ? ? we on 16th riding by the police station we might make a pork rind out of pig bro ? ? somebody tell these custodies get their hands up nots ? i ain't a slave keep your stop the music. i got to say something. i'm a black man from chicago and i'm tired of not being able to trust the police. i want to have faith in the men and women sworn to protect me. i don't want to see another 17-year-old killed like laquan mcdonald murdered in the street. when i hear a candidate talking about law and order and stop and frisk is the answer to our problems? you don't know our problems in chicago and you damn sure don't speak for us. tomorrow we have the biggest election of our lifetime.
against hate. because donald trump is a racist and if you don't vote, racism wins. that's what i got to say. [ cheers and applause ] this is "n this is "nightline." >> tonight, inside the final 30. it's down to the wire. finally, after all the anger, the name-calling, all the on the eve of the election. >> you can't review 650,000 new e-mails in a day. you can't do it, folks. >> the candidates making their closing arguments, hillary bringing out the big guns. >> get out and vote tomorrow! >> on the front lines as both campaigns scramble to get out the vote. plus swap the vote. feel like your vote is wasted? >> in deep blue or keep red states votes don't matter as much. >> there's an app for that.