tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC December 29, 2015 11:34pm-12:37am EST
mark wahlberg, bill burr, musical guest, sheryl crow, and featuring the legendary roots crew >> questlove: 388! whoo! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hi. oh, hi. hey! hello, everybody. welcome. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. you're here. thank you for being here. [ cheers and applause ]
and let me be the first to say what month is it? is it june? what does it feel like outside? they're saying that this could be one of the warmest christmases in 30 years, with temperatures expected to stay in the 60s and 70s throughout the holidays. yeah. of course, without the snow and cold weather, a lot of people on the east coast are now being forced to change some of their usual holiday traditions. like, for example, last christmas, people left out milk and cookies for santa. this christmas, people leave out a cool rag and a stick of mitchum deodorant. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: mitchum's the -- >> steve: mitchum. >> jimmy: that's the good stuff. >> steve: that's what santa wears. >> jimmy: you don't want to mess around. >> steve: yeah, he does not like -- >> jimmy: you get mitchum, yeah. last christmas, santa made a nice. this christmas, santa made a a list of who has central air and who doesn't. it works. it works. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: finally, last christmas, you went to an ugly sweater party. this christmas, you're going to [ laughter ] you see what i'm saying? you see the difference? [ applause ]
holiday season. let's get to some news here. here's what people are talking about. of course, it's the election. i saw that a new poll found that hillary clinton is now increasing her lead over bernie sanders. experts say bernie would need something major to regain people's attention. then bernie was like, "all right, leak the sex tape. [ laughter and applause ] do it. just the first five minutes." [ laughter ] >> steve: feel the bern. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: did you guys see this? ahead of tonight's republican debate over on cnn, donald trump's doctor released his medical records. and get this. he said that trump has never used alcohol or tobacco in his life. which explains how trump got so good at ruining a party. [ laughter and applause ] "no, thank you. no." seems like everybody's going after trump. in fact, a saudi prince criticized trump on twitter, and trump responded by saying that the prince is trying to
[ laughter ] unlike trump, who started out scraping by like this. >> my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: "kind of lent me some money. no big deal. he flipped me a million dollars. whatever. he said, 'don't worry about paying me back. i don't care.'" meanwhile, newt gingrich spoke about donald trump's lead in the polls and called trump the candidate who can kick down the doors of the establishment. yeah. and he called chris christie the candidate who can burst through the wall like the kool-aid man. [ laughter and applause ] oh, yeah! oh, yeah! i saw that -- i saw that "sports illustrated" named serena williams its 2015 sportsperson of the year. that's pretty nice. [ cheers and applause ] she's amazing. serena williams. when i heard that, i was like, "what's a sportsperson?
can't they just say athlete of the year?" sportsperson sounds like a nerd trying to describe a football team. "i see the squad of sportspersons has entered the cafeteria. it's time for me to leave." this is cool. the first trailer for "star trek: beyond" -- "star trek: beyond", was released today. and some fans are actually criticizing it for being too action-packed. because if you like "star trek", you like your action slow and weird. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: finally, this is going viral. a man who works at a gym in arizona was told that a urinal in the men's room was broken. so, he walks in just to check it out. look at what he saw when he walked in the bathroom.
>> jimmy: meanwhile, the guy in one of the stalls is like, "what's going on out there, you guys? are you okay, man?" we have a great show, everybody. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi. welcome to the show. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: it looks so festive here. >> steve: look how beautiful this looks. >> jimmy: you know, i want to say something i forgot to say. sometimes you want to thank people, then you forget to thank them. but, i want to thank -- well, all the tourists for coming to new york city. and all the people that come. i know it's the holiday season, but you walk in the streets. but, it's nice. it puts you in a good mood and a good spirit. but also, the nypd and the new york fire department for keeping us safe. [ cheers and applause ] and just -- times square is like two blocks away. there was like 10,000 people here the other day for the tree lighting. it was just great, and they
>> steve: it was perfect. >> jimmy: mayor de blasio, everybody, they did a great job. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for coming to our city. i appreciate it. show." ahead. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: bruce springsteen will be here. bruce. he's got the new river box set. channing tatum will be joining us as well. [ cheers and applause ] channing and i are going to play a game of egg russian roulette. yeah, be sure to tune in for that. plus, we're gonna have performances from twenty-one pilots and chris stapleton, who is fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] but first, tonight, we love it when he stops by. he stars opposite will ferrell in the hilarious new movie "daddy's home." mark wahlberg is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: looks good. did you see the trailer for it? like, mark is the -- >> steve: he's the stepdad, right? >> jimmy: no, i think will's the stepdad. he's the nicest. he's like mr. nice guy, and then the real dad comes back and wants to rekindle his relationship.
he's on a motorcycle. it looks really funny. [ light laughter ] anyways, mark and i are going head to head in a random object football toss. yeah, he's going to be -- [ applause ] plus, this guy. man, i've seen this guy, we used to do stand-up together back in the -- we'll talk about it when i talk to him out here. one point, we won a contest, or i won a contest where we got a a manager as our prize. [ laughter ] >> steve: that was the prize? >> jimmy: it was me, bill burr, and patrice o'neal got the same manager. and we won a manager. yeah, so it was like, "wait, are we cool with this?" it was like, odd, but anyway, it's just great to see. he's like the biggest comedian now in the world and he's all over netflix. he's so funny. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: i love him. he has a new animated series on netflix called "f is for family." [ light laughter ] the very funny bill burr is dropping in. [ cheers and applause ]
this is fantastic. kirk, you're fantastic in it, roots. but this weekend is the john lennon 75th birthday concert. a lot of great names will be there. one of them is here tonight. she is one of my all-time favorites. performing the beatles classic "revolution," the electric here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] sheryl crow! [ cheers and applause ] as you guys know, "star wars: the force awakens" comes out this week. and we are big fans of "star wars" here at "the tonight show." so we had this fun idea, and it involved the roots and the music for "star wars." so we called up legendary composer john williams and we asked him if we could do something special with it. normally, he says, "no." so he didn't return our calls. [ light laughter ] but someone from his camp did. and they said, "yeah, sure. it sounds like a good idea." so we're so honored to be able
[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on, that was so good! >> steve: keep that up. >> jimmy: oh, man. roots, great job. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: my thanks to the cast of "star wars: the force awakens." [ cheers and applause ] guys, we have exactly four shows left before we go on christmas break, which means it's time for that beloved "tonight show" tradition.
christmas sweaters. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] 12 days of christmas sweaters four days left >> jimmy: that is right. every show between now and christmas, we're giving one lucky audience member a a sizzling christmas sweater from the countdown to christmas cabinet. now, since there are four shows left, let's open door number four. [ drumroll ] [ cheers ] oh. [ cheers and applause ] green, rare. look at that. extra ball. extra ball for you. the rare green santa. very rare. green santa. >> jimmy: now let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater. number.
you to jump up, let me know where you are. make sure that it is your number. quest, can i get a drumroll please? [ drumroll ] who wants me to pick their number? everybody good? [ cheers and applause ] it's a good sweater! [ cheers and applause ] it's got shoulder pads! 224, hey! [ cheers and applause ] come on over. hey. hi. hey! >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: that's for you. hold that. >> okay. >> jimmy: what is your name? >> lynn. >> jimmy: lynn. where are you from, lynn? >> i'm from philadelphia, pennsylvania. >> jimmy: philly? [ cheers and applause ] oh, my gosh. philly in the house. well, thank you so much. you don't have anything like this, do you? >> no, i don't. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: this is really -- do you want to try it on? do you want to try it? because it gets cold in philly
you can hold this. how are you doing, buddy? this is fantastic. >> this is great. >> jimmy: yeah, this is great. let me put this over your head. head first. there you go. >> steve: awesome. >> jimmy: so subtle. you can walk around philly. >> that's so warm. >> jimmy: yeah. you're gonna walk -- look at this. oh, my gosh. does that not look fantastic? [ cheers and applause ] look at how cute. oh, my gosh. fantastic. thank you, buddy. thank you so much. i appreciate it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: congratulations. please, come on. it looks awesome. [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. philly. thanks again to our lucky audience member. stick around. we'll be right back with mark wahlberg.
take one of those pillows and take a big smell. they smell really fresh what if we told you we washed these sheets 7 days ago. really? no way downy? downy fabric conditioner give us a week, and we'll change your bed forever. want more freshness? add new downy fresh protect. had one simple mission. fresh sandwiches. it seemed crazy in a time when gimmicks were all the rage... but the idea of freshly made sandwiches with quality ingredients would stand the test of time . the subway sandwich shop.
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. quickly, i just wanted to thank our editors john mcdonald, chris tartaro, dan opsal for doing that "star wars" thing. lawrence manchester, who mixed it. because we -- it took us a long time to put that together. the roots, i want to thank you as well, but i mean -- i didn't know what --
i didn't really know what i was doing. they just told me what notes to -- piece
by piece. i'm going like -- like, i'm just trusting it was going to turn into something. i don't know how you're going to make this into anything, and they just made it into like, a a whole orchestration, and gosh, i'm just so proud of that. so thanks again to those guys. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is an academy award-nominated actor who stars opposite will ferrell in the new movie "daddy's home," which is in theaters december 25th. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome mark wahlberg. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: mark wahlberg! hey, good to see you, buddy. >> how are you doing? >> jimmy: i'm doing great. i want to talk about the movie because gosh, it's so funny. it's good to see you and
>> yeah. at all? >> well, the nerve-racking thing is trying to get all the gifts put together in time. i have four angry kids standing over there waiting for their toys to be put together. >> jimmy: how old are your kids now? >> 12, 9, 7, and 5. >> jimmy: wow. so they know about christmas and santa? >> oh, yeah. oh yeah. they're already up, you know. they can't sleep. anxiety, crazy. >> jimmy: you have to put everything together? >> put everything together at night, like, you know, stuff that's got to be put together the night before. so i'm laying on the floor, you know, trying to put together bikes and all that. respect -- yeah, i know, but yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, helping santa. you're helping santa, yeah. i gotta say, i don't know why -- there's always paparazzi following you around, buddy. i apologize for that. it has nothing to do with me. but this is you on the sideline of your kid's flag football game. [ laughter ] and i don't want to promote getting pictures like this of you, but this is a -- how old is your child? >> he's nine. >> jimmy: nine, yeah. [ laughter ] >> i have a tendency to get a a little --
>> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] i mean. >> that's going to be a a touchdown right there. >> jimmy: that's a touchdown right there, yeah. >> that looks like six right there. >> jimmy: yeah. do the other parents get as involved as you get? >> no. [ laughter ] my wife automatically goes to the other end of the field. she's like, "i don't want to know you for the next 60 minutes." but i can't help it. i get excited. and i don't want to get excited because it like, ruins my appetite. it's like watching the patriots in the super bowl. >> jimmy: yeah. you're just going, "oh, god." and it's flag football. >> yes. >> jimmy: it's just kids running around playing. >> no, it's bigger than that. >> jimmy: does your son say anything to you? does he like it or not? >> oh my god, he's just used t it now. you know? he used to say, "dad, shut up. [ laughter ] promise you're not going to say anything this game." i'm like, "nope, i'm good." i sit there, and then of course -- i just can't help it. you know, i get so crazy. >> jimmy: you get so excited. >> pete bird, you know pete bird? >> jimmy: yeah, i love him. >> he's always saying, "you're going to get into a fight." >> jimmy: no. >> at the football game? i said, "why would i get into a
game?" he said, "you're going to get somebody's going to say something." and it hasn't happened, thank god. >> jimmy: but you get that into it? >> i get pretty crazy, yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, but -- 'cause you always play it super cool. head. i see you do things. i go, "oh, that's nothing to mark wahlberg. he's cool wi he's like, whateve like you hosted a thing, you were hanging out with the pope >> yeah. like, five people. philadelphia. >> jimmy: yeah, y out with the pop and you're like, "yeah, cool. i don't care, cool. >> he didn't know w >> jimmy: oh, come on. >> it's true. >> jimmy: that's not true. >> it is. he hasn't watched television since like 1980. [ laughter ] i mean, you don't get to become the pope by sitting around watching television. >> jimmy: yeah. but was it -- was it amazing? i mean, because you were in philly -- >> it was fantastic. yeah, we hosted the festival of families. i was nervous, because normally, i don't like the hosting thing. i don't have the talent that you have. >> jimmy: thank you. >> so i was like, really worried. then i had to like, pronounce all these people's names, because all these amazing families, they come from six different countries. and it was just a lot of
>> but i felt like, you know what? i was asked and i need to be more active in doing things in the community and the church and all that stuff, so i said i'm going. >> jimmy: well, maybe the pope will check out "daddy's home" when it comes out christmas day. [ cheers and applause ] >> he can watch "daddy's home." >> jimmy: christmas day, the pope, what is he doing? >> he can watch "daddy's home." >> jimmy: christmas day is the perfect day for the pope to go to the movies. it's like, look, just take two hours out of your time and just go to the movies. just try to enjoy yourself. >> not even, it's only 90 minutes. >> jimmy: it's only 90 minutes. that's it. >> an hour and a half. >> jimmy pope, you can do this. it's you and will ferrell reunited. do you want to all, what the movie's about? >> yeah. he's now married to my ex-wife and the step-father of my kids. so i decide, you know, i'm going to go back and i'm going to reclaim what's mine, i'm going to win my family back over. and of course, we just go at it, and craziness ensues. >> jimmy: well, i loved you. what was the one you did, "the other guys"? >> "the other guys," yeah. >> jimmy: gosh, that made me laugh so hard. so i'm happy to see you guys back together. this is a scene here where you're both passive-aggressively trying to
putting the kids to bed. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. here's a clip of mark wahlberg and will ferrell in "daddy's home." take a look at this. >> it's getting late. you two n time. >> no, we want s >> hey, i'd love to be in here all night, but let's be respectful of brad's rules no matter how arbitrary they seem, all right? good night, my little golden treasure. >> good night, my little magical cherubs. here comes the butterfly kisses. >> eskimo kisses. >> who wants good night tickles? >> me. >> good night. >> i almost forgot. my famous good night back scratches. oh, so relaxing. so relaxing. good night, sweetie bear. >> hey, who wants 20 bucks? >> i do! >> me! >> $20? >> what? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: if you go to sleep, 20 bucks. come on, who wants that? >> right to the 20 bucks. that's what i do with my own kids. >> jimmy: i think that's the best. we also got the director of the film, took a video of you, this is just off camera, not in the scene. i think you're on the basketball court. and i don't know why, but you have a football.
show? >> basketball -- yeah, throwing the football into the hoop. >> jimmy: this is unbelievable. this is another example of how you're mr. cool. watch how mr. cool -- seriously, you're going to freak out. because i would be jumping up and down. a football toss. totally real, mark wahlberg. watch this, throwing a football into a basketball -- watch. throwing it there. yeah, no big deal. what's up? you don't. and then -- swish! and then you're like -- [ cheers and applause ] "what's up. yeah, what's up? what's up? i do that every day." >> i got to put that on my resume now. that one part where they say extra talent. >> jimmy: yeah. we got to put that on youtube or something so everybody can see it, or go to our website, because that's just amazing. have you done that before? >> have you seen what the guys on tv do now? those amazing guys? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, but that's huge, doing that. it's cool. i didn't know you could do that. that's what they do for a a living. you're like, "oh yeah, i'll try it." >> they get paid doing that? >> jimmy: i don't know. do they? maybe. either way, we should -- they
but i don't know why i'm doing this. i want to challenge you to a a random object football toss. i'm probably going to lose after seeing that. would you like to play against me? >> yeah, sure, absolutely. >> jimmy: fantastic. mark wahlberg and i. "daddy's home," christmas day. we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile. get unlimited streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs each for just thirty bucks a line. that's right- six gigs each plus all the video streaming you want with binge on. just thirty bucks per line.
if you could see your cough, it's just a cough. you'd see how often you cough all day and so would everyone else. new robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to twelve hours. new robitussin 12 hour cough relief. because it's never just a cough. we are in the age of ageless. age neutral. age defiant.
olay is a purveyor of ageless. only the best 1% of ingredients make it into our products. for transformed skin without expensive brands or procedures. it's the ultimate beauty victory. nobody has any idea how old you are. with olay, you age less. so you can be ageless. olay. ageless. aspartame free diet pepsi. just one sip [ahh]
what would you do with five minutes to kill, and a smart phone? check the scores. probably post a pic. text a friend. how about register to vote? really? you can. five minutes online and a massachusetts drivers license is all it takes to register so you can vote for our next president. go to registertovotema.com.
done. i just registered. that was easy. register today. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. i'm here with the one and only mark wahlberg. [ cheers and applause ] his new movie "daddy's home" comes out december 25th. we're about to go head-to-head in a random objects football toss. [ cheers ] okay, now we're going to take turns trying to complete passes of random objects into that target right there. each object is worth one point. the last object, the moneyball, is worth two. high score wins. let's take a look at what we're
first, we have a dancing santa claus. [ laughter and applause ] not bad. next, we have a football made out of play-doh. [ laughter ] over here, we have a tangled ball of christmas lights. we have a large chocolate milkshake from wahlberger's, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] that's good stuff right there. and the moneyball, worth two points. a decorated gingerbread house, right there. all right, now everybody, here we go. mark, you're our guest. why don't you go first? we'll just probably throw from this line right here. roots, can we get a little football toss music or random object toss music? >> get him -- his legs closed. >> jimmy: yeah, you get him -- >> get his legs closed. got a better chance. >> jimmy: there's no winning. there's no skill to this, like you've done this before. yeah, get his legs close. >> i don't even let my kids beat me in sports. you ready? >> jimmy: yeah, here we go,
>> jimmy: no, you're going to that hole over there. >> oh, [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. all right. i get usually one finger up and in santa's butt. [ audience oohs ] >> that was close. >> jimmy: there you go. you can take that off if you want to, yeah. thank you, buddy. play-doh. play-doh football. [ laughter ] >> gosh. over my shoulder. >> jimmy: hefty. >> oh, there's a football in there. >> jimmy: i didn't know that either. there's a football in there. [ light laughter ] >> nice. come on. [ thud ] [ audience oohs ] close. i mean you're pretty accurate. >> jimmy: thank you.
i'm getting close. i appreciate the good sportsmanship. all right, christmas lights. [ audience oohs ] again. [ cheers and applause ] nice. drop. two-step drop. [ thud ] [ audience oohs ] >> jimmy: keep hitting his face. i don't like his face. he bullied me in high school, that guy. so i don't like his face. all right, wahlberger's milkshake. a delicious milkshake. chocolate milkshake. >> we could give this to nacho to drink. >> jimmy: yeah. [ thud ] [ audience oohs ] sorry. >> that's all right. i apologize. >> no, no. don't worry. come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tie. >> tie. i think that's the first time you did something. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i felt good about that one. here we go. this is the moneyball, it's [ cheers ]
i've smoked a lot and quit a lot, but ended up nowhere. now i use this. the nicoderm cq patch, release technology, helps prevent the urge to smoke all day. i want this time to be my last time. that's why i choose nicoderm cq. aspartame free diet pepsi. just one sip [ahh] and you're in love. what are people going to think of our new buttermilk crispy chicken? let's find out. it's probably the best sandwich i've ever had. it's super crispy but also really juicy. so would you guys come back? yes. most definitely! well here is our card. the location is on the back. it's mcdonald's? what?| what? whaaaaat? get out of here. no way !! wait seriously? try some buttermilk crispy chicken. it's right around the corner,
hundred americans working for a solid year, to make as much money as one top ceo. it's called the wage gap. and the republicans will make it worse by lowering taxes for those at the top and letting corporations write their own rules. hillary clinton will work to close the wage gap. equal pay for women to raise incomes for families, a higher minimum wage, lower taxes for the middle class. she gets the job done for us. i'm hillary clinton and i
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. back in november, our next guest sold out madison square garden. wow. now he's written, produced and stars in the new netflix animated series, "f is for family," which premieres thi friday, december 18th. please welcome the hilarious bill burr, ladies and gentlemen.
[ cheers and applause ] >> how are you? >> jimmy: it is so great to see you. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: do you remember when we had the same manager at one point? >> yes, we did. early on. >> jimmy: gosh, look at you now. you did madison square garden. >> yes i did. >> jimmy: it doesn't get much bigger than that. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: doesn't get bigger than that. what was that like? walk me through that day. madison square garden. you're there in the afternoon. did you sound check? >> yeah, it was terrifying. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was terrifying. there was no way to justify. i was trying to think what joke i had in my act to justify somebody, like, sitting all the way up in the upper deck. you know? you're like this big. you go, "hey, what's up with obama?" and it's going up there. it just didn't seem right. so, i was nervous, you know, about doing the gig. >> jimmy: what time did you get there? >> i don't know. i think like, 2:00 in the afternoon. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i know what you're working towards.
out for the day. so you spend all this money. and i'm thinking it's just sitting there. i play drums as a hobby. i suck, but in my head i think i'm good. so we just rented a drum kit, some amps, and me and my friends went in there, and we like, jammed in an empty madison square garden while they were setting up the chairs. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, it was great. >> jimmy: that's what i would do. >> played "dr. feelgood." "war pigs," all this arena rock. we suck, but it sounded awesome to us. >> jimmy: no, i made you play me a song backstage. you played "war pigs" and you sounded good. ozzy would be proud, yeah. but you just got together with other comedians and go, "let's just jam out. i have the garden." i didn't know you could do that. >> i didn't know you could do it either. i just asked. i'd be like, "is it all right if we do that?" they're like, "yeah, no problem." and then we went, we did the show and then i felt relaxed. and joe derosa opened for me. >> jimmy: joe derosa. >> and he wore this old lady like, "golden girls" sweater, and like, nobody heckled him. and it annoyed me. so i went onstage, i just trashed him. and i felt like i was in a
went great. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you played madison square garden like it was a a club? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> i couldn't see them, so it was fun. >> jimmy: by the way, you're in "daddy's home," which i forgot to mention because mark wahlberg was just here, and you're in the end of "daddy's home." >> yes, i am. >> jimmy: and you guys -- >> white guy dancing. always funny. >> jimmy: white guy dancing. [ laughter ] >> or attempting. attempting. >> jimmy: attempting to dance. why not? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: do you know mark at all? did you get to -- did you guys -- from the boston scene at all? >> no, i only met him through doing the movie. i got to meet him briefly.
but what's funny is living on the west coast now, if you just -- i always say i'm from boston. because if i say i'm from canton, people go, "ohio?" then i got to go, "no, massachusetts." and just that little extra thing like, slowly kills me that i have to have that back and forth. >> jimmy: that drives you crazy? >> yeah. so i just say i'm from boston. >> jimmy: you are a troubled, troubled human being. >> yeah. i'm a loner, man. i don't like people. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's not lying. >> i don't. i don't. >> jimmy: yeah, i know.
christmas time, the thoughts that go through my head. [ laughter ] the thoughts that
go through my head. i just want to chop that tree down and watch it land on people as i walk over their heads. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no! it's the holiday season. >> i know. >> jimmy: no. you knew i wasn't going to stick to that. >> jimmy: i know. >> i was trying to be happy. i was trying to be happy. i was trying. we tried. >> jimmy: we tried. >> oh, you play drums. that was fun, wasn't it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it went right in the tank. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> right in the tank. i got to trash people or it doesn't work. >> jimmy: doesn't feel right to you. >> you know who i feel bad for right now? mcdonald's. i feel bad for them. >> jimmy: why would you -- >> because they back pedaled. they allowed fat people to blame them, and it's just over. the second they made the salad, it was over. it was over. it's our fault. it's our fault. it isn't. everybody knows it's fattening. you don't order 50 sandwiches, right? but they're a business. if you order it, they're going to give it to you. that's not their fault. >> jimmy: and you think that that's it right there.
>> mcdonald's is -- it's for kids and for when you get hammered. that's what it is. you go in there. [ cheers and applause ] you get the bread in you. that's what it's for. thank you. >> that's what it's for. >> jimmy: bill, how did you -- >> you just don't want to get a a salad at mcdonald's. you want to eat healthy tonight, jimmy? >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah? just go to mcdonald's. [ laughter ] they don't know who they are anymore. it's sad. they've lost their identity. >> jimmy: you feel sad. >> jimmy: yeah, well, hopefully -- >> it's like watching a a blogger. it's like, why would you do that? it's one person in the crowd who sat up late night with their feelings hurt, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> some melted butterfingers on their chest, just sitting there typing away. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: eating butterfingers. >> they act like they won a a peabody award and they write for the "times." it's like this one guy in the crowd. >> jimmy: no, you can't cater to those guys. >> you can't. >> jimmy: no. you can't veer from what you look at ac/dc. you know? they made the same song. they sing about their balls, the devil and women. that's it.
and they never veered from that. and then you look at, like, jefferson airplane. they're like, "ooh, it's the '80s." then they became jefferson starship, and then starship. and people are like, "i don't know who this is." >> jimmy: yeah. no, you got to stick to what you know. >> what are you going to do? you're singing at mcdonald's. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, i don't know how i'm going to segue way into your netflix series, but i tried. >> i'm sorry. i know. i knew the second i saw the christmas lights, i was like, "i'm going to bomb." [ laughter ] i'm going to bomb. >> jimmy: you're not bombing. >> this is not my vibe. >> jimmy: no, this is festive. this is it. you're allowed to do this. >> it's not festive. it's fake. [ laughter and applause ] you stick it in a box, and then you take it back out and you staple it up next year. that's what you do. [ laughter ] we expect? animated show? >> "f is for family." all right, so, for years, i've involved real people. and you know, because it was always like, "oh, well, what does this say about, you know, people in tacoma?"
and they would just tank the thing. so i finally -- i don't know, i was telling family stories of my career. funny. you know? and then this new generation of kids that wore helmets when they rode bicycles and had play dates, you know? [ laughter ] "mommy, can i get the mail?" "no, no!" so it started -- they all all these stories. like, when i was a kid, if you didn't finish your dinner, or as we called it, supper, my parents just wrapped it in cellophane, and then you had to eat it for breakfast. you remember that? [ applause ] yeah, it was great. it would be hilarious. cube steaks were the worst. >> jimmy: cube steaks. >> right? those were hard enough to chew as a toddler when you were like -- when it was warmed up. and then in like, the morning, you sit and eat cold cubed steak with green bean casserole. everybody's eating waffles, right? >> jimmy: cube steak. >> then they get quiet because they're thinking of a real kid. so now, just imagine if it was an animated kid that you didn't
drawn, and it took place in the early '70s. that's what this show is. >> jimmy: there you go. you don't have to worry about it, everybody. it's all fake. they're all animated. animated children. no children are harmed while making this. i have a clip of -- you have to come back every holiday season. >> oh, absolutely. >> jimmy: this is bill burr -- >> i'll come back dressed like an elf. >> jimmy: "f is for family." check this out. >> what the hell is this? kevin, he's flunking out and you knew about this? >> i wanted your food to settle. >> unbelievable, unbelievable. you got one job, pay attention and pass your classes. >> that's two jobs. >> no son of mine is going to flunk out. >> i don't care. i hate school. >> well, i hate my life, but i keep on doing it. i got a mortgage, i got dependents and i got to go downtown every damn day to run that airport. >> please, you're just a a baggage handler. >> what the [ bleep ] did you just call me? [ cheers and applause ]
very funny bill burr. happy holidays, buddy. the entire first season of "f is for family" will be available this friday on netflix. binge watch it. >> i had a great time. thank you. >> jimmy: sheryl crow performs after the break, everybody. come on back. it's going to be good. sheryl crow. [ cheers and applause ] you gotta break the rules.
a new pen for new masterpieces. we reinvented the surface pro, so you can reinvent everything else. pump up your look plumpify your lashes with new plumpify mascara a ginormous lash lifting brush boosts lashes to 50 times the volume and lifts lashes up up and away... new plumpify mascara from easy breezy beautiful covergirl r and try new trunaked shadows and liners constipated? trust number one doctor recommended dulcolax use dulcolax tablets for gentle overnight relief suppositories for relief in minutes and stool softeners for comfortable relief of hard stools. dulcolax, designed for dependable relief in 1965 subway's founders had one simple mission.
it seemed crazy in a time when gimmicks were all the rage... but the idea of freshly made sandwiches with quality ingredients would stand the test of time . the subway sandwich shop. founded on fresh. dry spray? that's fun. it's already dry! no wait time. this is great. it's very soft. can i keep it? (laughs) all the care of dove... ...now in a dry antiperspirant
aspartame free diet pepsi. just one sip [ahh] and you're in love. to feel this special... you need to eat this special. i love it kellogg's special k... ...made with whole grains and fiber ...to help a body thrive. i love it folic acid and vitamin d... ...to make a body feel this good. start your day with 150 nourishing calories... ...in a bowl of special k. i love it eat special, feel special. discover more ways to eat special ...with special k. to do great things, sometimes you gotta break the rules. the all new surface pro 4. a new screen, for new perspectives. we reinvented the surface pro, so you can reinvent everything else. all:
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest -- oh, one of my all time faves. she's a nine-time grammy winner. she's gonna be performing this saturday night on the amc special "imagine: john lennon 75th birthday concert." performing "revolution" by the beatles with a little help from the roots. give it up for sheryl crow. [ cheers and applause ] you say you want a revolution well you know we all want to
you tell me that it's evolution well you know we all want to change the world but when you talk about destruction don't you know that you can count me out don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right you say you got a real solution well you know we'd all love to see the plan shoo be doo wop whoa shoo be doo wop
well you know we're all doing what we can but if you want money for people with minds that hate all i can tell you is brother you have to wait don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right you say you'll change the constitution we all want
shoo be doo wop whoa shoo be doo wop you tell me it's the institution well you know you'd better free your mind instead but if you go carrying pictures of chairman mao you ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right all right all right all right all right all right all right all right all right all right all right
[male announcer] in ireland, we live in what we like to call the now. it's a wonderful place where the conversation flows. in the now, the sun always shines, even when it's raining. you might even meet friendly locals with long shaggy hair. and find yourself lost in music in the middle of the day. jump into the now. jump into ireland.
[mother] yeah but this neighborhood,i feel like it's got a lot of what we were kinda talking about. we should definitely go see it. [agent] hi. melanie. maggie. living room. [dad]what about this? this looks good. [brendan] no. [mother] isn't it great? [agent] hey brendan,you might like this room. [announcer]redfin pays its agents based on your happiness... that's real estate, redefined. what makes this simple salad the best simple salad ever? heart healthy california walnuts. the best simple veggie dish ever? heart healthy california walnuts. the best simple dinner ever? heart healthy california walnuts. great tasting, heart healthy california walnuts. so simple.
mark wahlberg, bill burr, the cast of "star wars: the force awakens." the coolest of the cool, sheryl crow, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there and there. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody.