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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 16, 2016 12:00am-1:02am EST

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so ping i'm curious, what dan ca patrick got you for valentine's day. >> nothing. that's okay. i'll see her tomorrow. love hate, good way to describe it.
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see patrick tomorrow as nascar media day sunday at 1 o'clock. i know she cannot wait to see me. let me show you our history. >> so are you excited about being here at daytona? >> well, i don't know what kind of reaction you're wanting from me. >> an exciting one. >> that's got to be like. you can do better. something less generic. don't know about you. >> there's a lot to know about me. i'm a girly girl. is it frustrating you couldn't get pass the leaders at that point, you had to make a move. >> i don't know if you watch ed the race, but that was the story of the day. >> when i say daytona 500, what does that mean to you as a race car driver. >> history. legendary! ping-pong, how do you feel. >> awful. dan ca, i'm going to see you tomorrow. i still love you kid. as the nba steel an all star break. they have a second home here. i have to ask you, do you like the 500?
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pretty good right? >> everybody loves that. >> one other thing coach. what'd you think of the grammies. >> i think the album of the year should not have gone to taylor swift. instead chris staple ton's traveler should have won. >> ping what kind of question is that? do you even know what you're talking about? >> what are you kanye west? daytona will be roaring all week long. two races to set the rest of the field for sunday's event tea on the poll. the former nascar driver bill elliot. chase became the youngest yesterday to win the poll. 20-year-old. tommy? 20. they just keep getting younger as we get older. gary can i recollect man at 6:30-6:00 p.m. tonight look in the mirror. off terrible war droop conflict, shirt and tie combo stinks. all right, general think you and tom sorrells are some of the best dressed guys on tv. what is wrong with this?
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>> nobody like it is design. i'm sorry. that's a good looking combination right there. the ping meet tropical inbox. did you see magic get hosed on the slam dunk competition. this happened saturday. how does he not win? i have a call in the magic. i'm bringing stuff in here on wednesday night at 11 o'clock. stuff is scheduled to appear. the magic back at it friday against dallas. thursday, i am on record, the magic will make a trade, they have no choice. screen. and you get the idea. it isst it's my trade block. the led line's thursday to buy chaning fry could be gone for the magic maybe in new orleans. >> thank you ping. thanks for joining us.
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captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> announcer: stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: good evening, everybody! (cheers and applause) whoo! whoo!
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we're here! we're doing the show! (cheers and applause) (audience chanting stephen) (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! thank you so much! as i said, welcome to "the late show." i am proud to be your host, stephen colbert. happy president's day. (cheers and applause) all of them, equally good. and keep in mind, one of the people running for president right now, one day we will be celebrating with a half-off mattress sale. (laughter) all right, it's a real honor. of course, this time last year everyone was positive it was
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she was a lock. but she's still reeling from getting trounced by bernie sanders in new hampshire last week. bernie won 83% of young voters. (cheers and applause) the only group hillary won was voters over 65. hampshire, but she definitely won old hampshire. (laughter) okay. but they're nimble. her team is nimble. so her team sprung into action and reached out to young people with an ad on the youth-friendly social network, america online. (laughter) this is true. her new campaign slogan: (modem noise) for america.
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aol is where all the cool teens go to update their geocities page. i can't wait to see how they appeal to the youths next. maybe hand out some leaflets at bingo night. or team up with netflix to sponsor a "murder she wrote" reunion where the victim... is the middle class. (laughter) or a massive ad buy on a.m. radio: "just want to remind all yo millennials to get out there and support hillary. coming up next: three hours of old men whispering about jesus!" (laughter) i'd listen. well, whatever age you are, we've got a great show for you tonight. first, i'll be sitting down with the very funny craig ferguson. (cheers and applause) he's much taller than you think.
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i didn't know he was that tall. >> stephen: he's host ago new talk show that's all about history. so if you miss the first episode, you'll be doomed to repeat it. then i'll talk to the cover models of this year's "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition. (cheers and applause) you won't believe what they're wearing on the cover. unless you think it's swimsuits, in which case you're spot on. and later i'll be joined by senator cory booker. (cheers and applause) he's written a new book called "united." it'll either bring congress together or provide them with a heavy object to throw at each other. plus, i will face off with world darts champion scott waites. (cheers and applause) hey, scott waites fans! hey, that's the band, jon batiste and stay human.
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(cheers and applause) they're about to yank the ripcord, but before they do, one more thing: an exact replica of the titantic will set sail in 2018. and this time, it should be perfectly safe because, by then, we should be out of icebergs. (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes craig ferguson! "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition models hailey clauson and ashley graham! senator cory booker! and world darts champion scott waites! featuring jon batiste and "stay
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and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much! thanks, everybody. before we get started. i'd like to say a few words about the passing of supreme court justice antonin scalia. he was universally acknowledged to be an intellectual giant, who left his mark not only on the court but on our approach to the constitution. and whether or not you agreed with him or made a lot of jokes about him like i did, he had a sense of humor. people have actually broken down the transcripts of oral arguments, and he told more jokes and got more laughs than of any of the justices. that might part of the reason why he was such good friends with justices who he disagreed with like ruth bader ginsburg
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and i was lucky enough to have one conversation with him that explained his appeal to me. it was ten years ago this april, when i spoke at the white house correspondents dinner. i don't know if you guys saw that. (chf not a lot of people laughed in the front row. (laughter) some people laughed in the back of the room but the important people in the front row, mostly silent when i gave the speech. when it was over, no one was even making eye contact with me. the one exception was antonin scalia. he had been caught a week earlier doing this to the photographers.
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after it was over, he came up to me, again, no one is talking to me in the whole damn room! and antonin scalia comes up to me and says, it's great, great! did you give me one of these? ahhh! i said, sir, first, i want to ask, would that be legal for me to do? he said, of course, it would be legal. i said, yeah, i gave you one of these. he said, great stuff! great stuff! good night. and he left. i watched him go and i thought, don't you make me love you, old man. so i will forever be grateful for that moment of human contact that he gave me. so i would like to say one last time, justice scalia, i salute
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(cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) while i'm guessing i'm not on the short list to be named to the supreme court, as a late-night host, i already wield tremendous power. i can force 200 people to wait in line in the snow for two hours and they still clap when they see me! (cheers and applause) that's not right! and yet... and yet, there are those out there even more powerful than i am powerful. history's most despotic leaders - people like genghis khan, czar nicholas the second and jessica alba, who i believe is the ruler of albania. (laughter) these merciless tyrants have but two things in common: the first one is a secret, but the second
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(drumming) (cheers and applause) now that this hat is upon my head, i am endowed with unquestionable power! this is due to my hat's two main attributes: its bigness, and its furriness. any proclamations i make while so behatted are now and forever law. let us begin. drumming a march rhythm). from this day forward, only people born on presidents day shall be eligible to run for president. those born on groundhog's day
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(applause) henceforth, subway trains shall be renamed "boring roller coasters." from now on, if a restaurant is cash only, the menu must clearly state which organized crime syndicate the restaurant is a front for. (cheers and applause) there shall be a sequel to "foxcatcher" called "wolf blitzer." (laughter) there shall be no calories in cap'n crunch, as long as i scoop it out of the box with my hand. (cheers and applause) besides... any weight i gain will be offset by the amount of flesh scraped off the roof of my mouth. (laughter) henceforth, the dad on your street whose shorts have the
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(applause) for the sake of closure, there shall finally be a single-a battery. (applause) the measure one pint of ice cream shall be renamed to "one sadness of ice cream." (applause) from this day forward, people who refer to their pets as their babies must breastfeed their pets. (laughter) (applause) all of kansas city is now in the state of kansas. all cities in missouri will be named "st. louis." (laughter) from now on, you feed a cold, starve a fever, and honey glaze a herpes. (laughter) if you sex someone real good,
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lobster. (cheers and applause) if the sexing is inadequate, they shall drop you off at long john silvers. (laughter) the term "walkie-talkies" now refers to toddlers. (laughter) the female version of a "sausagefest" is now officially a georgia o'keefe retrospective. (laughter) the hat has spoken! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back with craig ferguson. (cheers and applause) man, i might just chill tonight. puppymonkeybaby...
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don't use windex to make windows spotless and clear! go see my big fat greek wedding 2 and learn how to use windex the right way on weird stuff! not on windows! who's got tickets? i do! i'm okay! announcement: this storm promises to be the biggest of the decade. with total accumulation of up to three feet. roads will be shut down indefinitely. and schools are closed. campbell's soups go great with a cold and a nice red. made for real, real life. my tempur-pedic cuddles better than my husband does... ...but that's just between you and me. it's really cool to the touch. r at mattress firm, get zero percent apr financing. visit mattress firm,
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oh! hey! >> hey! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, you and i, we have met once before. >> i remember! it's the bathroom at the grammys -- no, the emmys. >> stephen: i was in the bathroom with kanye in the grammys, with you at the emmys. a wonderful place to meet. >> i wanted to be your friend and i was following you around the bathroom and i was, like, hey! i tried to be your friend and i wanted to come in with you, stephen, but you wouldn't let me, but here i am now. touch me again. thank you. >> stephen: do you work out? i work out. only this arm, though.
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i'm like arrrrr! touch my arm and see what i do. >> stephen: you flexed?! i did not! >> stephen: you didn't care what this felt like. that's a man secure in his own manliness. >> yeah, and that was me flexing. >> stephen: you are an american citizen now. >> i am. i have been for some time. (applause) that's why if trump becomes president i'm, like, you can't touch me, i'm here, it's cool. >> stephen: you got in under the trump limit, as we call it. >> the scottish people are out building a wall. >> stephen: they already had one. >> no, the romans built the wall to keep the scottish people out. >> stephen: couldn't do it. it's a lesson from our history. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you more patriotic than regular americans because you chose america. you married into this family knowing what you were getting. the rest of us were born here. >> to be fair, first of all, trump wasn't running for
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>> stephen: that's true. and i also think, yes, a little bit in the sense that you're catholic but you were born a catholic. >> stephen: i can leave anytime, though. >> yeah, but you know people who become catholics later on in life -- >> stephen: they pray with the elbows out. >> they're a little more jesus-y than the regular catholic. >> stephen: because they chose. >> changing your nationality is an act of faith, any faith is enhanced by having a little doubt and concern. when i look at my own patriotism, it's still fervent and there, but it's a little different than it was of the july fourth feeling of becoming a citizen. now it's, like, how do become involved in electing the
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>> stephen: did you become a citizen july fourth? >> no. >> stephen: it's like asking a girl to marry you at the top of the eiffel tower. >> did you do that? >> stephen: no, i'm not as romantic as i could be. >> i'm sure you wife said okay, anyway. don't propose a woman on top of the eiffel tower because you want a woman to settle for less. >> stephen: the bottom of a mine shaft. >> that's correct. it's going to be better, baby! >> stephen: why "join or die?" can i get a shot of that? >> that's a tattoo on my arm. ben franklin put this in a cartoon, we must come together, a united calling. so it became a symbol of the
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united states and i thought it would be nice to get that when i became a citizen. i have others but they're elsewhere. >> stephen: does this deal with a part of american history. >> i think the first years were too contemporary. i think we should go back a little further. right now it tends to be in the last 50 to 100 years and tends to be american history. these are some of the topics -- >> stephen: these are some of the topics coming up on the new show, can i ask you about them? >> yeah. but i'm not putting myself out as a history buff. i'm not buff like you are buff. >> stephen: or in the buff. well... >> stephen: ratings, ratings. ratings are important. >> stephen: never say never. i don't know if me being naked will get anybody watch the history channel. >> stephen: we'll get to see the other tattoo! >> we watched dynasty and now a naked dude, yeah!
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for a long time it was hitler then aliens. >> that's part of our history, stephen, whether you like it or not, hitler! >> stephen: and aliens. we have come from another planet! >> stephen: yeah, that was a good hitler alien! that was spooky! (applause) >> yes, i only work out on this side -- (german accent) >> stephen: most overrated figure in american history and why? who's that? >> at the moment, i think it has to be kanye, but later... (laughter) >> stephen: he's in debt. i don't believe it. i think it's a ploy. >> stephen: really? how can he be in debt? >> stephen: have you seen how he lives? it was possible. >> he's got clothing lines and, you know, doesn't that make you rich if you have a clothing line? >> stephen: i've never had a clothing line.
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>> i'd like to put one together. >> stephen: we're in the wrong business. >> 50-year-old scottish dude. >> stephen: do you remember the things you had to learn for your american -- for your citizenship test? easier. they changed the test and made it harder. when i did it, it's like, do you hate al quaida? you're in! >> stephen: that was it? yeah. >> stephen: are you still scottish? do you have dual citizenship? >> yes, you can have it removed. your people are originally from france, i would imagine. >> stephen: no, mine are from ireland. it's sort of fake french, but i'm from ireland. >> you changed your name to frenchjt >> stephen: it's cole-bert, but i'm pretentious.
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deprecating and you went, yea! you guys are jerks! >> stephen: what's your question? >> i was thinking about trump because i thought it might come up in my discussions. you know his mother was scottish. >> stephen: i heard that, yeah. >> well, that's the (bleep) problem right there! can i say that on cbs now? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, yeah! you can say (bleep) all you want on cbs now! yeah! that's one of the biggest changes. they love it! they love it! >> if i had known that i would have (bleep) stayed! (laughter) but his mother is scottish and you're looking at a man whose mother is scottish and not enough therapy. >> stephen: who tees the greatest scot? >> sean connery, without a doubt. >> stephen: are you guys from the same area.
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coast thing. it's a biggie tupac. >> stephen: do you have a beef? >> no, he's 84 years old and can still kick my ass. >> stephen: "join or die with craig ferguson" premieres february 18th at 11:00 pm on the history channel. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) honey, do you know where my beige socks are? check the walk-in closet. richard! there are two types of people in the world. those who are content to blend in- these people walk through life like beige socks. then there are those who expect more. they're exciting. they have pizzazz. eventually, the beige sock people get devoured by the ones who stand out. do you want to be devoured? no! what is that? it's the new kia optima. it's like the world's most
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guests are cover models of the 2016 "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition. please welcome, hailey clauson and ashley graham!
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>> thank you! the cover. of beauty. how does it feel? >> empowering, amazing. of "sports illustrated." >> stephen: same feelings? oh, my gosh, it's the biggest moment of my life. >> stephen: it might be the last magazine people still buy. >> i never thought about that! >> stephen: but 70 million people will see these covers and 20 million of them are women. 20 million women buy this. >> i think we're going to get a few more million because now you're seeing such a diverse group of women. i mean, hailey, me -- (applause) >> stephen: there are three covers here. i'm not sure i can actually show this one on cbs. >> go girl! >> stephen: that's you, hailey. ashley, this is you. (cheers and applause) and then the third cover is
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>> we miss you, rhonda! >> stephen: rhonda's not here because like the state of the union, one of you has to be in a secure location while the other two are seen in public. like the vice president has to be in a secure location. >> we have a big possie surrounding us at all times. >> stephen: ashley, you are the first plus size model on the cover. >> curve-a-sex-a-alicious. (applause) >> stephen: we have a boxer on the cover. >> yes. >> stephen: do you think the industry standards for what is beautiful in a woman are expanding? >> of course. i mean, we're all representing something else. i mean, i think i'm kind of the in between because i was always that girl that was in the fashion industry and then became a woman and nobody knew what to do with me. >> stephen: what does that
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>> well, i hit puberty. >> stephen: oh, okay. and they're, like, well, you're done. >> stephen: you were done? i was done. believe it or not, girls on the catwalk are a 2. >> stephen: what are you? a 4. >> stephen: how do you work at all! (laughter) what size are you, ashley? >> a 14-16, depending on the time of day. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: rhonda being the third person, this is like a shell game. she has a painted-on bathing suit. she's essentially naked. that bathing suit is painted on. you have half a bathing suit and a full bathing suit on. so between the three covers, only 1 1/2 bathing suit there. >> i took mine off.
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hailey's cover, that's so beautiful. i i had doing just one hand but there is a lot -- (laughter) >> stephen: i understand off charity called alda. >> it means wave in ice lantic. five curvy models started we're changing lives of young women, going to different camps letting women know you're worthy and don't let society tell you you're not (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i've done -- i did one "sports illustrated" cover years ago -- (cheers and applause) but i was hoping y'all could teach me how to properly pose on the cover, get into the spirit
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>> i think holding your nipples. >> stephen:ly try to find them. give us a tropical location to start off. (tropical music) this is my sexy prop. >> arch your back. >> stephen: are you going to yell through this entire thing? look how short i am. okay, so arch my back? >> arch your back. pooch your lips out. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you can be sexy anywhere. let's get sexy someplace else. next location. what if we got, jim? >> ooh! >> stephen: iceland. do the haley cover. (cheers and applause) >> wow! that was good!
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next one. here we are at black hole. okay. try not to get sucked in. >> we're on a journey. >> stephen: head back. (cheers and applause) lastly, let's take the ultimate location where we're all going in the end, hell. we're sexy devils. (cheers and applause) well, the "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition is available on news stands and online now. hailey clauson and ashley
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we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology.
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i don't know what i'm doing. i can't find anything just when i think it's just not going to work. this woman that works there comes over and asks can i help you? and he was so happy, to do it amazing right? i never would have
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would have thought that anyone would find that do that. make that go out of their way for me. right then, right there i couldn't believe it he was so helpful i know it's such a small thing little thing. simple thing but it made me smile made me happy made my day share your story. publix. where shopping is a pleasure. (cheers and applause) >> >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is the junior senator from new jersey. please welcome cory booker!
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>> stephen: nice to see you again. >> good to see brother baptiste over there. >> stephen: oh, yeah! in your last show -- >> stephen: you guys were singing together. >> we were standing together. i wasn't singing. i was mouthing the words. >> stephen: let's mouth some words together right now. >> let's do. >> stephen: you have a new book called "united: thoughts on finding common ground and advancing the common good." we are so politically divided how do we find common ground anymore? is my common ground not necessarily yours? can we agree on what is common anymore? >> i think we can more than we know. our differences matter but our country matters more. when you focus on country and patriotism, it necessitates a love of americans. love is not a wimpy word. it's actually a hard, difficult word and it means reaching out.
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should just tolerate each other. tolerance is a week start. it just says we should stomach each other's right to be different, if you disappear from the face of the earth, i'm no bert or worse off. but we as a nation aspired to move beyond tolerance to love, to recognize we need each other and we're our greatest hopes. an old african saying, if you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go with another. >> stephen: where is the love in the senate? who can you share your love with? let's talk about some of the people running for president now. there are some senators running for pt. senator sanders, senator cruz. >> there are some senators actually not running for president right now. (laughter) >> stephen: some people say donald trump keeps accusing ted cruz of having nobody who will work with him. have you worked with ted cruz? >> yes, we introduced and passed legislation together.
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but i represent eeverybody. i got great advice from a former senator bill bradley. he said don't pre-judge the people you're with. take time to get to know them and sit with them. a lot of the republican senators showed me extraordinary kindness and sat and worked with me. i work with people based on we can find common ground. people would go past our dinner table, do a double take and say this is the presidential ticket in 2020, and i would look at them and say no way. (laughter) but through that conversation, we said let's find something we can work on together. there are issues we agree on. we passed a piece of legislation together last year and i'm very proud of that. >> stephen: let's talk about what is going to be, for all, you know, the hope of love, there is going to be a battle royal over whether or not barack obama can reasonably nominate
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scalia in the last year of his term. >> right. >> stephen: mitch mcconnell, leader of the republicans in the senate and leader of the senate now because the republicans in majority said can't do it, it violates press precedent. what do you think? >> what you said in the beginning of the show about justice scalia, the power of human kindness, people underestimate that. we are here because of a conspiracy of love. we have a great man theory, where great men descended, george washington, martin luther king, and led us to a better country. but that's not the truth of our history. it's extraordinary americans doing extraordinary acts of kindness of service and love, people leaving their homes to do goodness and kindness. i don't think you share
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scalia, but you saw the transformative power. i'm sheer because my father born in jim crow, north carolina, to a poor mother -- he was po, could cannent afford the other two letters -- his mom couldn't take care of him. so the small acts of kindness of people in the town who took him in, put a roof over his head, he had no history of kindness, but it was people who did small things, church collection to help him go to college. what's the r.o.i. on kindness but it reverberates in the generations. i know we get caught up in the political battle of the day, but far more important is goodness and kindness and mercy we do every day. the biggest thing we can do any day is often a small act of kindness. and i meet people like that on the campaign trial who come up and talk to me about their overcoming addiction. they talk about being homeless and their stories of personal
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with their desire to help other people. we have a broken criminal justice system. >> stephen: let me ask you -- please. >> stephen: if you would like to help other people, help me on this. >> okay. >> stephen: do you think obama can nominate somebody for the supreme court? just answer that question. (applause) >> i will answer the question. i know you're trying to get to the -- >> stephen: i just want a yes or no. >> so people -- (laughter) >> stephen: i mean, that was beautiful. that was beautiful. i loved every minute of it, but let's be serious. (laughter) >> you sound like my last girlfriend. let's get to the point. >> stephen: uh-huh, so? o as i read the constitution, it clearly says, we have an obligation, the president has an obligation to fill the vacancy, to allow the seat to remain vacant for a year with all the consequential things going through now would be unacceptable. >> stephen: it would be 4-4 ties and a year of 4-4
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they would have to do a coin toss or something like that. >> you have a great sister who ran for office, but they say ties are like kissing your sister, and i know -- >> stephen: i don't know anything about what you're talking about. (laughter) >> we need to aspire in our country, whether it's about the supreme court or whatever, to evidence the best of who we are, and it's not always winning or beating down somebody, it's about elevating others, embracing others. >> stephen: and being united. yes, it is. >> stephen: cory booker, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> .>> stephen: "united" hits the shelves tomorrow. senator booker.
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who gets to say who is the world darts champion? >> possibly the person who puts in the most practice in the year. you have a choice, playing the world championship and best -- >> stephen: i didn't catch all that but practicing helps a lot. is there an organization? who certifies you as a the best? >> b.d.o., the british dart organization. >> stephen: they have the world championship, not just print. >> yes. basically the world championship is every country in the world, everybody has a chance to participate in the world championship. >> stephen: what other countries are big besides britain? >> possibly the biggest country is holland. >> hole. >> holland. >> stephen: really, dutch? big in america but they play


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