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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 16, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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>> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you deserve it! you deserve it! thank you. >> stephen! stephen! stephen!
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stephen! stephen! >> stephen: jon, how are you? good to see you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you very much. thanks so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody. hey! hey! i'm stephen colbert. thank you for being here. i'm throwing hand towels to all these people here because they are soaked to the bone. greatest audience in the world, stayed outside for hours in the pouring rain. it is absolutely coming down in
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listen to that! raining really hard. we let these people in two by two. that's how much it was raining ( laughter ) like that? >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, i don't know if you're aware of this, but donald trump... ( laughter ) yeah, still. he's running for president on the platform of opening his mouth and saying things. the one thing that frequently ( laughter ) , is the naughty language, the hieshz the thing. as we approach primary day in my home state of south cackalack. trump has said he is swearing
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voters do not like the salty talk if you do the salty tack, they believe you'll be darned to heck where you burn in a lake of boiling shoot and have flaming hot pokers shoved up your (whistle). that hurts like a mother fudger. but i've got to say, i'm not sure the man can stop 3 why would he stop now? it seems natural to him. and i'd love to have trump on to hear about it from the man himself, but he's down in south carolina campaigning. though he does phone in to a lot of the shows, where they just put up a picture of him while he talks to the show. so i hereby challenge thoim call my show. bring out the trump phone! bring it out. thank you. thank you.
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here it is. behold, the trump phone. ( laughter ) donald, call me on this phone. it is a line dedicated just to you. and to show that i'm serious, i will am willing to split the meanwhile, on the democratic side, hillary clinton and bernie sanders-- >> trump-trump. trump-trump. trump-trump. hello? who is this? >> this is donald trump. hello, stephen. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: donald trump! okay, listen i'll got to make sure this is really you, not somebody abusing the trump phone. say something only donald trump would say. >> well, i could say you're fired. >> stephen: i'm not sure you're the only one who would very much. >> you're doing so well, that
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you're doing a great job, so that could never happen. >> stephen: don't make me. ( cheers and applause ) don't make me love you, old man. let's get to the first question of any phone call. what are you wearing? >> i'm wearing a very beautiful plu suit a poor tie. >> stephen: i'm wearing a unitard and silver tiara just to talk to you. >> that's good. >> stephen: how do you like south carolina. the best people ever, right? >> i love it. it's a great place. and i've been here many times, as you know. but it's a great place, and we're in the midst of a very, very strong primary season. new hampshire was terrific. and this saturday, they get out and vote, and hopefully they'll be voting for trump, and we're going to make america great again. >> stephen: this is definitely donald trump. ( applause ) let's talk about what experts are calling your potty mouth. i can think off the top of my head three things that you have said on air that-- this is true-- cbs will not let me
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bleep them. how are you going to stop? >> well, it's easy. i've decided to stop. i mean, i do that for emphasis non-politically, and once i decided to run for office, i sort of said, well, we're going to have to stop. stop. you didn't stop. stop. >> no, but these are very minor words. in many cases i actually bleepped them out myself. i never said the word, and then they'll bleep it and people will think i said the word which is a little deceptive, but that's okay. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i've got a suggestion. why don't you have a swear jar, and every time you say a bad worked you put $1 billion in it. >> that's a great idea. i'm going to do that. i like that. >> stephen: let's talk about if you were elected, if it was the last year of your presidency and you had a advocacy to fill on the supreme court would you allow the senate to tell you not to do it? >> well, the senate really has no right to do that.
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president, regardless of who that may be. i guess i'd put in a name. but the senate really does, especially for the fairly short period of time, they have a right not to do it, not to vote on it, not to approve it. >> stephen: so you would let someone tell you what to do. this is sounding less like donald trump every-- ( laughs ). >> no, i'd push. look, if i were the president, i would be pushing. whether i was republican or democrat, i'd be pushing. but the senate does have a lot of power over that. they have the right to do it-- they have a pretty daunting right. so it should not happen. it should be whoever the next president is should be the one that picks the next supreme court justice. >> stephen: you're down in south carolina trying court votes-- ( booing ) you're not making any friends here, donald. i hate to say. ( laughter ) you're down in south carolina. i'm from south carolina. i want to help you out here. let's hear you say, "please vote for me, y'all." >> well, i can say that. please vote for me, y'all. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: very convincing.
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well, i know you're a busy man. i'll let you go get your pants on. thank you so much for calling us. >> thank you, thank you very much. >> stephen: donald trump, everybody, on the trump pope. >> thank you very much. thank you. ( applause ) >> stephen: now-- now, together let's make this show great again. how long was that? fairly long? okay, okay. okay. i think that was him. i'm not sure. first up, i'll be sitting down with the star of nbc's "telenovela," eva longoria. ( cheers and applause ) "telenova." "telenova." "telenovela" is about a spanish language soap opera. could i be pregnant with her baby? tune in to find out. then, i'll be talking to the
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jacobson and ilana glazer. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. yeah! or as they are known by their celebrity couple name, abbl-ana gla-cob-zer. then we'll have a performance from acclaimed singer-songwriter lucinda williams. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) is there that right there, that beautiful sound, the sound i love hearing every night, that is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) i didn't know the camera was on me they're about to make this show glow, but before they do, one more thing: in australia, nearly a billion dollars of liquid methamphetamines were found being smuggled in ladies' undergarments.
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"breaking bra." >> tonight, stephen welcomes eva longoria. abbi jacobson and ilana glazer. and a musical performance by lucinda williams. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"!
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much. ( applause ) excuse me. please, sit down, everybody. i'm using this because-- and this is true-- i was told by my wardrobe mitt resto de-trump myself. some of the trump phone got on me and i think i breathed it in. hey, you guys watch the grammys last night? >> jon: yeah, we were checking it out. >> stephen: i don't want to brag here but it is the truth. i was on the grammys last night introducing my good friends in the cast of "hamilton," which at this point is the only way to get tickets to "hamilton." but congrats to them on their win, as well as friend of the show kendrick lamar, who swept the rap categories. and congrats also to my soon-to-be friend taylor swift on her second album of the year win. everyone was there at the ceremonies last night with one big exception. kanye west was a no-show at the
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boycott the grammy awards unless he won album of the year, despite not being nominated. for album of the year. ( laughter ) ( applause ) same reason he refuses to attend the westminster dog show. but look at that silky coat. but kanye's absence was felt, because the actual album of the year winner tay-tay-- had some harsh words for yeezy afterhe rapped in his new song "famous." " i feel like me and taylor might still have sex. why? i made that "b" famous." kanye, i have a feeling the odds of you having sex with taylor swift are about the same as winning a grammy you weren't nominated for. handsome couple, though. and tay-tay made that clear in her acceptance speech. >> there are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success or take
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or your fame. you will look around, and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there. >> stephen: notice that she didn't mention kanye by name because, like candyman, if you say his name out loud on a stage, he will suddenly appear and kill your joy. ( applause ) ( cheers ) but kanye's got bigger problems than grammys he wasn't nominated for because the rapper/mogul/visionary toddler ( laughter ) took to twitter to announce to his followers, "i write this to you, my brothers, while still $53 million in personal debt. please pray we overcome." yes, yeezy owes fifty-threezy million deezies. but he shall overcome. after all, i believe it was martin luther king who said, "please give me $53 million." ( laughter ) ( applause ) just as true today.
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everything back on track, because after tweeting that he was $53 million in debt, he tweeted, "mark zuckerberg invest $1 billion into kanye west ideas." brilliant! i can't think of a better way to reach out to the founder of facebook than the one place he's sure to look. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) yeah. makes sense. the tweet-a-thon kept going from there, with kanye pleading, to create what i really can." "mark, i am publicly asking you for help," and "hey, google's larry page, i'm down for your help, too." see? kanye's not proud. he'll accept a billion dollars from anyone. and kanye has a plan for the cash. he tweeted out this-- do i have it here? yes. this actual org chart
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donda, to show exactly where that billion dollars is going. and it's as ambitious as it is vague, with categories like "home," which promises visionary innovations in holograms, hovercrafts, and something called a "7-screen movie" experience, which will finally allow me to watch all seven "fast and furious" movies at the same time. doesn't hurt the plot. doesn't-- whoa. yeah! and kanye has come up with a tech breakthrough the world can't wait for: emoticon auto correct. i actually need this. long-ime fans of my face know i wear glasses, and the worse my eyesight gets, the harder it is to tell those little emojis apart. so for several months-- and this
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texted me some bad news, instead of sending the crying emoji, i would accidentally send the "laughing so hard that i'm crying" emoji. this is true. this happened. until it was pointed out to me what i was doing. so i just want to take a second to say to any of my friends whose pets died or who are going through a divorce, your tragedy is not hilarious to me. and i love this org chart. it's like an eight-year-old imagining their dream treehouse. jsut think about the ideas kanye couldn't fit. invisible unicycles? sharks that play basketball? he gave us a clue on twitter when he said "ima fix wolves." ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, this might be about his new song "wolves," but we can't rule out that he's actually upgrading wolves, possibly by giving them wings and a diamond-encrusted head.
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billion dollars to make all of this a reality. and you tech billionaires have made fortunes off ideas that kanye west could have thought of eventually. i mean, elon musk, you know kanye would've come up with tesla. org chart. "cars." boom. so, billionaires, it's time to do what's right for the little guy. after all, as kanye actual he tweeted: "you'd rather open up one school in africa like you really helped the country." "if you want to help, help me." so let's stop selfishly helping the country of africa and start helping kanye west. because if you don't, you're not going to get one of his cool new wolves. we'll be right back with eva longoria.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an actor, producer, and political activist who is currently starring in the comedy series "telenovela".
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>> he's so young and i always thought his father would do it. >> his dad is in prison so who knows what else the sex talk will include at this point? i can help. i was a peer counselor in high school. "b" is for boobs. "c" is for... is there please welcome eva longoria. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: lovely. >> hi! they're amazing! >> stephen: aren't they an incredible band? >> i know! >> stephen: what an incredible audience. people love eva longoria. >> no, this is just an amazing crowd. they were cheering for, like, the guy that was sweeping earlier. >> stephen: they were
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for hand towels earlier. they're hoping they can dry off on your dress. first of all, congratulations. i understand you just got engaged. >> di! i got engaged. >> stephen: that's lovely. is that the-- is that the ring? >> this is it. >> stephen: that's awesome. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's awesome. and you even have a photo of it like everybody has to now. you have a wonderful photograph of-- are you in the desert? >> i know! we're in dubai, in the dubai desert. it was fun. >> stephen: what did you do? >> got engaged in dubai. totally unexpected because there's no connection with me and dubai. so he surprised me. >> stephen: you know, you actually are pretty big on social media. you have taken to social media many times to put aside the persistent rumors that you are pregnant. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: anything you would like to tell us tonight? >> i ate a hamburger. it's always like --
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>> it's always after i eat a big meal. >> stephen: and people think it's a baby bump. >> i love social media. before-- i'm 40 so, like, back in the day, when we didn't have it, you really couldn't rebuke anything. you couldn't speak for yourself. >> stephen: but not as many people could attack you at once. >> this is true, by the way. yes! that's the saddest part is it's got tone a negative place. if anybody posts anything negative of me, you're blocked. i mute you. you're erased from my world. >> stephen: have you ever asked anyone for $1 billion? that's a thing now. that's a thing now. >> i know. you can ask for money. no, i have not. >> stephen: i understand that you and your loved one-- what's his name. >> pepe. >> stephen: that you have a very competitive valentine's day. >> oh, yes, yes. every valentine's we do couples war. >> stephen: what is that-- >> it's a war of couples. >> stephen: like, "i love you more!" >> no, no, we do games for points. so we have different categorys.
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game, and we have sports category where you have to play some sports. then we have minute to win it games, which are these stupid, no-talent-needed games gli don't love my wife enough. i didn't realize you could turn it into a contest. >> i said we are hosting. we shouldn't win. that would be so distasteful. and we got last place. i was like i don't want to get last. >> stephen: "telenova" is coming up on its final episode of the season. >> necessary monday. the season finale. it went so fast. >> stephen: it's about a spanish language soap opera but it itself is not span irish. >> stephen: is it a tele-commedia. who to you play? >> it's like "30 rock" or one of those shows, where it's behind scenes of a soap opera. i play a star of the spanish soap. >> stephen: i would hope so. >> who doesn't speak spanish. >> stephen: she doesn't speak spanish? >> no. >> stephen: does she have to
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>> she has the thing in her ear. >> stephen: literally people are saying. >> and she repeat it. she doesn't know what she's saying. >> stephen: do you speak spanish gido now, but i didn't eye grew up in texas. >> stephen: yes. >> oooh! texas! is there you have said this your family is more american than bill o'reilly. >> i'm ninth generation american. >> stephen: so nine generations in the united states. ( applause ). >> yeah. >> stephen: wow. >> yes! >> stephen: how long has your family lived in texas? >> nine generations? ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'll do the math. we don't have a lot of time. >> 1603. >> stephen: 1603. >> 1603 was the spanish land grant and my family lived under five different flags without moving. we didn't cross the border. the border crossed us. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's hoot. that's hot. is that written on something? >> it is! >> stephen: you have to put that, like oa plaque in your house or something. that's really nice. >> texas is a special place. >> stephen: yeah, it is. yes.
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that really sounds only like half a compliment. you're a really special person. ( laughter ) well, listen, can you stick around? i want to talk a little more. >> i will. >> stephen: we'll come right back with more eva longoria. ( cheers and applause ) now the #1 selling brand for frequent heartburn. get complete protection with the new leader in frequent heartburn. that's nexium level protection. some people know how to make an entrance. to thrive under pressure. to reject the status quo. and they have no problem passing the competition. the aggressive new 2016 lexus gs 350 and 200 turbo. once driven,
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i'm here with the lovely eva longoria. now, eve annot only "telenova" ( band playing ) , which, again its final episode is coming up this week. >> monday. >> stephen: monday. and it's about a spanish soap opera so you play an actress in a spanish soap opera but you were an actress on a soap opera. >> yes, i was on "the young & the restless." >> stephen: i gotta have my stories. >> that's what my mom says.
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think the dialogue on those soap shows-- >> on soaps. >> stephen: on sops. they're so over the top. no one would be that catty, that bitchy with each other. >> except the primary s. >> stephen: this year the political candidates on both sides are scratching each otheree eyes out, get me a saucer of milk. we looked at last saturday's debate and we were sort of inspired. we went and looked at some of the debates and we put together dialogue from the debates spp and we would-- you and i, could we act it out. >> yeah! that would be fun! >> stephen: i want to remind everybody out there, we did not write anything you're about to hear. these are transcripts of actually things that were said between people-- adults-- who want to be
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here we go. ( laughter ) this guy's lied-- let me just tell you, this guy lied. he's a nasty guy. >> when you point to donald's own record, he screams, "liar, liar, liar." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's a lot of lies. ( laughter ) ted will say anything to get a vote. frankly, i don't know how he knows what i said on univision because he doesn't speak spanish. >> marco, si quieres diselo ahora mismo, diselo en espanol, si quieres? si quieres? ( laughter ) unlike another woman in this
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time with my husband. >> stephen: hillary has spent her entire life on a quest for power, and she has avoided prosecution more times than el chapo. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the season finale of "telenovela" airs monday, february 22, at 8:30 on nbc. eva longoria, everybody! we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guests are the hilarious duo behind the hit show "broad city," which premieres its third season tomorrow night on comedy central. >> new york is europe. i love it. every time i walk town the street i'm like. >> do german. >> yak! >> australian. >> aye. >> spanish? do chinese? >> are you kidding? no.
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>> i'm sorry. please welcome abbi jacobson and ilana glazer, ladies and gentlemen. thanks so much for being here. >> what a pleasure. >> thanks for having us. >> stephen: congratulations ogz the premiere tomorrow night on season three and for being five. that is great news. >> thank you. >> stephen: the characters you play on the show are real slackers but you're not. you're executive producers. >> yeah, baby. >> stephen: are you anything like-- would you be anything like your characters if you didn't have to work all the time? >> yeah. i feel like on the weekends, we're more like our characters. >> yeah, we put a hoodo immediately. >> stephen: that's it? that's character change? >> that's it. no, yeah. >> stephen: you can't possibly smoke one-fifth the weed that your characters do, though. ( laughter ) and achieve anything. >> yeah, that's true. we smoke less than on the show. but we do-- ( laughter ) we smoke, though. >> stephen: by which you mean
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by which you mean none at all. >> none at all, children. >> stephen: we have a fairly large preteen audience. >> by which we mean none at all. >> stephen: you play play ilana glazer, and you are named ilana glazer. when you are out on the streets, are you mistaken for your charactering? i have some idea what that is like. do people mistake you? >> all the time. >> stephen: what do they expect from you that you're never going to be like? >> they want to get high right there, right then. >> they want to smoke with us. that's frightening. i'm going to freak out and leave. it's no, no, no. but sometimes people drop us a little gift and walk away and it's the best. ( cheers and applause )
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adults, we throw it right away. ( laughter ). >> throw it right away. >> stephen: youifies actually-- this is something of sort of a cultural milestone. you're both appearing in the latest issue of "playboy." ( cheers and applause ) but here's the thing is you're in the latest issue of "playboy" clothed. >> yes. >> stephen: as a matter of fact, this is the first issue of it. did you feel cheated-- ( laughter ) -- >> yes. >> stephen: at least of the opportunity to go, "how dare you!" >> yeah, i had a conversation with my father. >> stephen: about being in "playboy?" >> yeah. he said, "someone they work with told me you're in 'playboy'." and i said, yes, dad, i am. and then i said it's not nude, first thing. and he was like, "i'm weirdly proud."
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>> stephen: i will go with that "weirdly" part. >> yeah, right. >> stephen: here's the thing that might be a secret to you guys. i am slight lie older than you are. >> no! >> a little bit, a little bit. >> stephen: just slightly older than you are combined, which is why i love your show because i can learn about what's hip, happening, brooklyn trends and stuff like that. so i was hoping you could tell me what's hot on the scene. >> one thing right off the pat it's really cool today to not ask "what's hot on the scene?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: what else? what else is going on out there? >> okay, what else? well, have you heard about rainbow bagels? >> stephen: i have not, have you. >> they're rainbow-colored bagels they make at this
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the bakery posted a video and through up on social media. we call that soc-meds. you should do it phonetically. so it blew up on soc-med. just in case you asked us, "what's cool these days?" we brought you a clip. >> stephen: oh, great. jim, let's take a look. >> yup. them. >> that's food! that's what food looks like now. >> stephen: i would not have guessed that. >> the future. >> stephen: everyone in brooklyn is eating these? >> only the cool people. >> stephen: i understand these are them. >> we brought you some to try. >> stephen: i should get one? are they good? it's an actual one. are they good? >> the taste isn't so much ( laughter ) >> if you-- stephen, do you wear lip gloss. >> stephen: what? >> do you wear lip gloss? >> i do not wear lip gloss.
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lip gloss. >> stephen: but it is edible. i can eat one? ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: whoa! this is amazing! where are we? >> it's happy bagel place! >> stephen: oh! >> stephen, just listen to the we're the happy bagel babies of happy bagel place we love to sing and dance we're happy bagel babies and there's nothing wrong about happy bagel place >> yeah! >> stephen: oh! that is so sweet! >> shut up, stephen! there's a second part. we cannot read and we cannot meet in groups the bagel king fears a bagel baby revolt
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slay the demon father we will be your baby wives and you will never die >> yeah! >> stephen: okay! ( cheers and applause ) okay. that was great. that was great. thank you so much. this has been fun. i enjoyed it here, but i think i'm ready to head back now. >> no, stephen, you can't leave. >> stephen: why? i don't understand. >> you're the only one with the power to slay the bagel king. >> slay him! slay him! >> do it, stephen! do it! grab an uber. i have to get out of here! >> oh, no! the bagel king! >> who dares disturb my slumber? the bagel babies will pay for this! >> come ostephen! oh, my gosh! >> no! no! >> stephen: none of this is
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>> get him! get him! >> snap out of it, colbert! >> this is happening! ( laughter ) this is happening. >> stephen: it didn't make the sound the first time! it didn't make the sound the first time. >> it takes a second for it to work! oevment! >> stephen: what do i do! >> if you don't step up, the bagel babies will die in the >> you're the only one with the power to stop it. >> come on, stephen! >> stephen: but i don't have any power. >> stephen, the power you're looking for has been inside of you this whole time! >> stephen: inside me? you mean my courage. >> no. you can shoot lasers out of your belly button. >> stephen: really? >> come on, stephen! come on! ( cheers and applause ) eat lazer navel! >> aahhhhhhhhh! i'm dead! >> stephen: yeah!
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it worked! >> stephen: that was intense! ( laughter ) but i can't get the taste of those bagels out of my mouth. when does this end? stephen, it every ends. we're the happy bagel babies of happy bagel place we love to sing and dance and put a smile on your face >> stephen: "broad city," season 3, premieres tomorrow night at 10 p.m. on comedy central. abbi jacobson and ilana glazer, everybody! we'll be right back. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain?
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someone like me. but only if you have a brain. this is a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small. this car doesn't care
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aflac. ohh ah ah aflac! aaaaf-lac! ta-daa! he's not a very good magician. he paid my claim in just one day. one day?! shh! how does he do it? t in just one day, p we process, approve and pay. p
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why are you all here? to learn, right? so you can get a good job and you're not working for peanuts. well what if i told you that peanuts can work for you? while you guys are busy napping, peanuts are delivering 7 grams of protein and 6 essential nutrients right to your mouth. you ever see a peanut take a day off? no. peanuts don't even get casual khaki fridays. because peanuts take their job seriously. so unless you want a life of skimming wifi off the neighbors, you'll harness the hardworking power of the peanut.
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hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side
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song, "dust," ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
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there's a sadness so deep the sun seems black and you don't have to try to keep the tears back well you don't have to try to keep the tears back 'cause you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust
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even your thoughts are dust so you stare at the ceiling and wish the world would mend trying to recall some better feeling to no good end trying to recall some better feeling to no good but even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust
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even your thoughts are dust there's a sadness so deep the sun seems black and you don't have to try to keep the tears back
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to keep the tears back because you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust
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even your thoughts are dust cheers and applause ) >> thank you! >> stephen: her album, "the ghosts of highway 20," is out now.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be kate hudson, richard dreyfuss, governor john kasich, and a musical performance by courtney barnett. now stick around for james corden. >> yeah, it worked! stephen is our new king. let's sing we're the happy bagel babies we love to sing and dance and put a smile on your face we're happy bagel babies and stephen is our king he'll rule this land till we kill him, too


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