tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC February 24, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am EST
of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- taraji p. henson, mike birbiglia, musical guest fka twigs. and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 424 compton. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh. oh. oh. i feel the love!
i feel the love. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. you made it. you're here. this is it. [ cheers and applause ] you're in from the rain. what a hot crowd. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: oh, i love it. oh, welcome. [ cheers ] it's a great show tonight. thank you very much. here's what people are talking about. last night was the republican caucus in nevada. and donald trump scored a big victory, bringing him one step closer to the republican nomination. yep. the trump presidency is getting very real right now. [ cheers ] it's getting so real, mexico is starting to think a wall is a a pretty great idea. [ laughter and applause ] they're like, "just put it up. we'll pay for it. i don't want anything to do with -- i don't want anything to do with it. we want to be on this side of it." that's right, donald trump won his third state last night. in fact, he got more votes than marco rubio and ted cruz combined. [ audience oohs ] it was so bad, afterwards, rubio and cruz stopped fighting and just started holding each other.
oh my love my darling >> jimmy: yeah. they're making pottery. i don't know why. after winning in nevada, trump was talking to the crowd. and he's gotten to the point when he can pretty much say anything. just check out what he said to his own supporters. >> we won with poorly educated. i love the poorly educated. [ cheers ] we're the smartest people. we're the most loyal people. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you can hear people are cheering, they're like, "yeah! wait, what? what did he -- [ laughter ] he's talking about you, right?" that explains his education policy, every child left alone. [ laughter ] [ applause ] did you see this? donald trump said that if elected president, he'd look into prosecuting hillary clinton for using her private e-mail server. so, if trump wins, hillary will already be on trial for murdering her entire campaign staff. [ laughter ] "how did you let this happen?" [ applause ] meanwhile, after finishing a a distant second in nevada, marco rubio apparently went to
coming in. [ light laughter ] when asked if he needed a a wake-up call, he said, "i think i just got one." [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] >> steve: hey oh! >> jimmy: this is pretty big, yesterday president obama announced his plans to close the prison at guantanamo bay, cuba. not to be -- [ cheers ] not to be outdone, donald trump announced that he wants to open a chain of guantanamo bays. [ laughter ] "one on every corner. it will be like starbucks. starbucks of detention centers." [ laughter and applause ] listen to this. nasa said this week it received a record-high number of 18,000 applications for its astronaut training program. nasa said it shows a growing interest in space exploration. and people said, "nah, we just before this election. that's all." [ laughter and applause ] new york knicks coach, kurt rambis -- you hear about this? he is still facing questions after he apparently liked a a tweet from a porn site called "i like to touch."
that he didn't like the tweet and that he was hacked. and in related news -- no, he wasn't. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that's not what hackers do. >> steve: i'm gonna like this tweet. >> jimmy: i spent all night working on this hack. [ laughter ] >> steve: what you do? >> jimmy: that's what he did. this is pretty cool. hasbro announced they are making a new version of monopoly to appeal to a younger generation. that means it won't come with any cash. you're gonna have to borrow it from your parents' monopoly set. [ laughter ] everybody wins. everybody wins. i don't know what to make of this. whole foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo parlors in their grocery stores. yeah. but people walking out of the whole foods with the biggest sense of regret will still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple. [ laughter ] "it's a free range apple. i watched it grow. [ light laughter ] i named it. [ laughter ] this is harold." >> steve: don't eat it. >> jimmy: don't eat it. frame it.
officials in an oregon neighborhood are investigating mysterious shrieking sounds that only seem to happen at night. this is real. some people think it's an owl. while one guy says it has absolutely nothing to do with his basement. don't look. don't look. [ laughter ] people in oregon have been complaining about a mysterious shrieking sound. this is what they're hearing. [ ringing ] yeah. it's weird, right? apparently they just discovered the source of this piercing noise. check this out. >> as you know, people call you a lot of names. [ ringing ] >> jimmy: i didn't know he was visiting. i didn't know he was visiting oregon. we have a great show. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, hi everybody.
thank you for being here. that's a hot crowd right there. guys, i'm very excited to announce -- [ cheers and applause ] hot crowd. i have a good announcement here -- we have hit 10 million subscribers on youtube. that's a big deal. [ cheers and applause ] 10 million. we're the first late night show in the world to hit that mark. so youtube gave us this beautiful -- it's really heavy. the diamond play button. [ cheers ] yeah. pretty cool. i want to thank everyone for watching our videos in the u.s. and around the world. go to youtube.com/fallontonight. [ cheers and applause ] and subscribe. it's a lot of fun videos. and thank you, youtube. that's really cool. i like this thing. it's heavy. [ applause ] >> steve: like your belt buckle. >> jimmy: it is my belt buckle. yeah -- it's subtle. [ light laughter ] >> steve: hey what's up, man? >> jimmy: how you doing man? how's it going? hey man, you know where the
>> steve: down the street three blocks. you need some help with that belt buckle? >> jimmy: no. i'm cool, man. [ laughter ] i got fingerprints all over it. it's so gross. but thank you, youtube. i appreciate it. put it right by my phone. guys, it's been a great week. there's more ahead tomorrow night. gerard butler will be here. and we're going to play -- [ cheers ] he's a good man. we're going to play a game of slap jack. ooh. i don't know why. but we're doing it. [ light laughter ] and on friday, we'll have nathan lane, keri russell and standup from mary lynn rajskub. [ applause ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: i love her. but first, we have a fantastic show tonight. we love this woman so much. she's beautiful. she's talented. from the blockbuster television series "empire," taraji p. henson is here. [ cheers and applause ] cookie is in the house. >> steve: oh, yeah. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: later in the show, taraji and i are going to put our acting chops to the test in a fun new game called the acting game. >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: yeah. i just love him, every time he
we are going to talk to him about his new comedy show right here in new york city. mike birbiglia is stopping by, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] "thank god for jokes." and we have great, great music. i'm so psyched this artist is here. wait until you see what she does. it's just great visually as well as sonically. does that make sense? [ laughter ] >> steve: yeah. totally makes sense. >> jimmy: yeah, sonically. we have a performance from fka twigs. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wait til you see what she does. just so good. great voice. guys, do you ever go on twitter and you see a tweet from a a celebrity that looks that it makes no sense? and it's a random statement out of left field. but then you click expand and realize they're actually just responding to another person's question. i'll show you what i mean in this next segment. it's time for "in reply to." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] in reply in reply to oh yeah >> jimmy: the way this works is i'm going to show you a a celebrity's tweet. >> steve: okay. >> jimmy: and we'll then we'll see the question that they were replying to. >> steve: oh, okay, i get it. i get it. >> jimmy: let me give you an
hillary clinton. she responded to @hankr222. she put, "old yeller." [ light laughter ] maybe it's a favorite book, i don't know. let's see what she was asked. "what's your nickname for bernie sanders?" oh, that makes sense. [ laughter ] >> steve: oh, i see. >> jimmy: you see what i'm saying? >> steve: yes, now i understand it. >> jimmy: let me give you another example. here's one from the academy awards. >> steve: love it. >> jimmy: they responded, "chris rock!" let see what they were asked. "name every black person you know." [ laughter ] that's a problem. that's a problem. let me give you another example. i have like ten examples. >> steve: okay good. [ laughter ] i'm not -- i'm not quite getting it yet. >> jimmy: no problem. here's a response from chipotle. >> steve: okay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: they replied "we can confidently say it's been eliminated." let's see the question -- "how would you describe your customer base?" [ laughter ] they had a good run -- >> steve: they had a good run while it lasted. >> jimmy: guac is extra. guac is extra. here's one from jeb bush. he relpied, "whack-a-mole." [ laughter ] see the question. "how do you pronounce guacamole?" [ laughter ]
it's extra, at chipotle. guaca-mole. [ laughter ] we love him. we had him on the show. remember that? >> steve: he's fantastic >> jimmy: he kept saying "wak-a-mole." [ light laughter ] i go, "what do you --" "well, i like to eat wak-a-mole." [ light laughter ] very interesting, yeah. here's a response from ted cruz. he responded, "truth is, i don't have many friends in the house, lol." [ light laughter ] see the question, "describe your family." [ laughter ] tough love. tough love. >> steve: yeah. lol. >> jimmy: here's a response from nbc. they replied, "ferrero rocher." ferrero rocher. see the question -- "how does tom brokaw pronounce the word ferocious?" [ laughter ] ferrerosha. ferrero rocher. [ laughter ] that was the question they were asked. >> steve: that's -- somebody asked them, "how does tom brokaw pronounce ferocious?" they were just wondering. >> jimmy: and he says "ferrero rocher." [ laughter ] here is the last one. this one is from chris christie. >> steve: oh, good.
"deadpool." see the question, "what happens when you do a cannonball?" [ laughter ] oh, there you go. that's all we have time for "in reply to." we'll be right back with taraji p. henson. [ cheers and applause ] folks, you can't make this stuff up. four bandits chose a prius as their getaway car. bravo-niner, in pursuit of a toyota prius. over. how hard is it to catch a prius? over. this thing is actually pretty fast. over. very funny. we should get some flowers for the car. yeah! holly!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest recently won a golden globe award for her fantastic work as cookie on the number one network television drama series, "empire," which returns with all-new episodes beginning march 30th at 9:00pm on fox. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the very lovely, taraji p. henson. [ cheers and applause ] cookie monster cookie monster cookie monster >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. dabbing and everything. oh, my gosh. >> you like this? >> jimmy: i love that. that is --
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is beautiful. >> shimmy for jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah, a little shimmy for jimmy. ah, yes, thank you. i appreciate that. you always look great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you always look great. and i gotta say i was so -- we were so rootin' for you, everyone here. we love you so much. congrats on the golden globe. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i'm so happy for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yes! go taraji! >> thank you. >> jimmy: i was so happy for you, man. >> thank you. >> jimmy: well, well, well deserved. >> thanks. >> jimmy: and i loved that when you were going up to get your award, you were handing out cookies to people. [ light laughter ] >> i thought it was appropriate. >> jimmy: did you bring them with you? >> i did not. i thought it was like a hint that i was gonna win. 'cause you've been there a a million times. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> when have they ever had cookies? >> jimmy: yeah, they don't have cookies. >> they've never have cookies. they always have the little pastries. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, i sat down and i was like, hmm. >> jimmy: well, pastry's not nominated. yeah. [ laughter ] >> i don't remember a character on tv named pastry. so, hmm? i thought maybe they just put the cookies on my table. >> jimmy: no, but they were giving them to -- but i love that you're just handing them out. >> then i get to leonardo, and he's like, why are you giving
[ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, well, i actually think it was good. it was cool. i have to ask you while you're here, because, of course, like everybody watching the super bowl. and my favorite thing. >> of course, jimmy would bring up -- >> jimmy: i have to. it's my favorite thing. >> of course he would. >> jimmy: you saw the tweet, right, quest? >> of course. everybody saw it. >> jimmy: taraji tweeted -- >> questlove: yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: after the halftime show, you put, "yes!" >> i was very excited. >> jimmy: "maroon 5 is life to me. super bowl 50." [ laughter and applause ] >> you want me to explain? >> jimmy: i mean, it was coldplay. you know this, yes? >> obviously, i know the difference. >> jimmy: all right, all right, all right. oh, yeah. no, yeah, yeah, yeah. no, i know that. i know you know that. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> okay, well, you're at the super bowl. and they give you kool-aid to drink. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that right? yeah, yeah. >> i had a lot of kool-aid. >> jimmy: you had some kool-aid. interesting, yeah. >> you know what? honestly, if you have more than one sibling. you kind of call the one. pam, pat, patricia, kim! >> jimmy: just spitting it out. >> you do it -- right.
is once you send -- hit the send button, it's just -- it's gone. so, i was offended, sipping my kool-aid. why is everybody tellin' me it's coldplay? i know coldplay. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i know maroon 5. they're not up there and then i look at the tweet. i'm like, ah! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oops! >> oops. >> jimmy: yeah, oops, my bad, yeah. >> my bad. >> jimmy: but adam levine made it funny, right? he made a joke about it? >> he did. he's a sweetheart. >> jimmy: he's a good man. >> yeah. >> jimmy: last time you were here we showed this, your co-stars, jussie put this -- he videotapes you on set. >> i see what kind of show this is gonna be. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, it's fun! >> this is a setup. >> jimmy: it's all good. it's always so fun and we love, because when you're on the set, it's long hours when you're doing this. >> i'm the butt of all the jokes. >> jimmy: no, no, no, no, no. no, this is not. this is great. >> okay, i can take it. >> jimmy: this is great because you work hard. and you get the golden globes because that's how good you are. >> okay. >> jimmy: and you're on set. >> right. >> jimmy: right. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. >> good save, jimmy. you paid everybody. >> jimmy: no, no, no, they love you. i love you. you're on-set. and it's long hours. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and so, you take a a little power nap. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, and then -- but he's always there with his
>> he's always there. >> jimmy: last time he was on he video -- secretly videotaped you and didn't tell you. and we showed it on the show. and well, anyway, we have another. >> i saw it. but go ahead. show it again. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we have another video. here's taraji p. henson working on "empire." >> working. i do a lot of work. >> jimmy: yeah. you're sitting there. >> very hard. >> jimmy: yeah, very hard. but then look at this. watch. watch your eyes -- watch your eyes open. >> i know. >> jimmy: watch it. and you're like -- >> i'm always checking to see who. and it's -- [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: come on. that's how you react. >> jussie. he likes being slapped by me. >> jimmy: no, he does not. >> he begs me to. >> jimmy: he does not. but have you ever gotten him back? does he take naps? >> yeah, i have an arsenal. i just, you know, i'm not tit-for-tat. i'm a grown-up. >> jimmy: you're above this. >> you know, i kind of rise above. >> jimmy: you're above all this. >> we all have our limits.
>> so, i have my arsenal for when i'm not -- >> jimmy: well, that's good for you. for not stooping to that -- >> do you have mine? >> jimmy: yes, i have a clip of -- >> thank you. [ laughter ] >> jussie taking a nap. here, this is taken by taraji. watch. >> he told me i'd never get him. >> jimmy: yeah, you finally got him. >> i never get him. >> jimmy: you got him? >> i never get him. >> jimmy: you got him and his hairy legs. there you go, right there! you got his -- [ laughter ] >> got him. >> jimmy: you got him back. all right. [ applause ] see jussie, two people can play -- two people can play that game. >> the best part of catching him though was the #shaveyourtoeknuckles. [ laughter ] i started to braid those hairs -- >> jimmy: toe knuckles. oh, my gosh. i've never heard that word in my lifetime. >> toe knuckles. >> jimmy: but you can tell that you guys like each other. >> yes. >> jimmy: and terrence we love him. he's been on the show a bunch of times. please give him out best. it's great. can you say what's going on with the new season? or you're not allowed to talk? no spoilers. >> i can. but do you want to live? >> jimmy: okay, yeah, all right. that's the way it works. no, i don't mess with cookie, man. please. no, no. >> it wouldn't be me. >> jimmy: no, it wouldn't. no. >> no, it'd be people higher
come and get you. >> jimmy: no, never. by the way, it's just -- how perfect is it that you got this role? when you were here, you were doing a drama on a different network. >> i was with "person of interest." >> jimmy: yeah. yeah, i played a very serious cop. >> jimmy: and i go taraji, why are you playing this serious -- i mean, i know you can, but i'm no one knows how funny you are. i know. >> jimmy: and then man are you hitting out of the park. >> then, i get cookie. of the park. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i love it. and you're so humble. >> thanks. this. 'cause you go, i don't want awards. i don't. but i'm doing this for the fans. and i just appreciate the love that i get back. and you and the cast went on a a u.s.o. tour to japan. >> yes. >> yokota, japan. >> jimmy: yokota. >> yokota. s >> jimmy: and did you bring your coat-a, 'cause the cold? [ laughter ] >> it was cold. >> jimmy: and here it is. >> yeah. >> jimmy: look at you there. >> let me tell you about that. that is very heavy. appreciation for our troops. you just think they're badass and fighting al qaeda and isis and all of that.
through. like, i had to put it on 'cause i wanted to know. that weighed like, about 50 pounds. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. they know what they're doing. >> the helmet is like another eight. this is before you even pile on all the other gear. and i'm thinking in my mind as a woman, 'cause we have female soldiers, like, you know? i'm just thinking all kinds of things. like, when we're on our cycle. like, i just have a new found -- [ laughter ] it's hot outside. no, seriously. do you think about that when you think about women troops? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no, absolutely. >> with all that gear on. in the heat. and you know, like we have other things we have to think about. >> jimmy: but i appreciate you -- we appreciate you goin' and supporting and saying hi to the troops. >> i appreciate what the troops do. thank you so much. >> jimmy: no, please. [ cheers and applause ] it's nice to do that. not everyone does that. >> yeah. and what made it so special is that it was around holiday season. and a lot of the troops weren't able to go home to their family.
my heart. because i have a cousin who i haven't seen in years. he's in the navy. and i never see him. my cousin kenny. i love you! and i never see him. [ applause ] so, it was very important that i did that. 'cause i thought about my cousin who we never get to see. >> jimmy: well, he gets to see you on "empire." >> yes. >> jimmy: which is good. and you make people laugh. and have a good time. >> but i wanna hug him though. >> jimmy: oh, we love you. >> i wanna touch him and hug him. >> jimmy: oh, that's so good. taraji, i know you're great in the show. but i really wanna put your acting chops to the test. do you wanna play a game with me when we come back? >> sure. so people can know that i'm not just cookie. >> jimmy: oh, of course not. you're the best. you guys, taraji p. henson. [ cheers and applause ] "empire" returns with all new episodes beginning march 30th at 9:00pm on fox. come on back, everybody. k of america to help pay for her kids' ice time. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time. and 2% back at the grocery store. even before she got 3% back on gas, all with no hoops to jump through.
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hit television show "empire." [ cheers and applause ] it returns with new episodes beginning march 30th at 9:00 p.m. on fox. but first, taraji and i are going to play the acting game. now here's how it works. we have a telephone here. that's what -- >> is that what that is? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: kids, that's what telephones used to look like. >> what is this? >> jimmy: yeah. >> a wire, oh. >> jimmy: and so here's how it works. we're gonna -- i have a stack of cards here. >> okay. >> jimmy: okay. scenarios written on them. we're going to take turns answering the phone and reacting to those scenarios. but you have to do it in the most sincerely dramatic way possible. >> okay. >> jimmy: okay. we're going to put our acting chops to the test here. you ready, taraji? [ clears throat ] [ vocal exercises ] >> warming up. [ laughter ] okay. red leather, yellow leather. red leather, yellow leather. okay. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: okay. >> an african artist. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: bubba bubble gum. bubble gum. bubba bubble gum. bubba bubble gum. okay. >> ba, ba, ba, ba. yes, yes, yes. >> jimmy: okay.
>> jimmy: higgins, you want to give us a ring, a telephone [ ringing ] >> jimmy: oh, sorry. sorry. >> it's for me? >> jimmy: i have to give you here it is. cookie's -- cookie's an astronaut on a space mission. nasa calls her to tell her that she's not coming home tomorrow. they're extending her mission for six more months. [ ringing ] >> lucius. [ laughter ] oh. this houston. what's wrong? [ laughter ] i'm not coming home for what? oh, honey, that's got -- that's gotta be wrong. check the stats. no, see? i got a nail appointment, honey. i haven't been waxed. [ laughter ] i'm looking like a woolly mammoth up here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> no, no, no, no, sweetheart. there are no sidewalks on the moon, sweetheart. [ laughter ] no. and fur does not work well in space. >> jimmy: we're losing it. >> what! hello? hey! wait a minute! get me outta here! [ dial tone ] lucius! >> jimmy: all right. very nice. very nice.
you said at waxing job. >> it's always lucius fault. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, this is mine. this is mine. >> okay. it's queen elizabeth and she needs advice on what to watch on netflix. [ laughter ] but you just finished eating a a burrito and it's not sitting well. [ laughter ] [ farting sound ] a little gas. [ ringing ] >> jimmy: we gotta get that phone fixed. [ ringing ] hello? [ farting sound ] [ laughter ] [ farting sound ] hey. [ farting sound ] hold up. hello? hold up. get the dog out of here. wait, who is this? [ laughter ] oh, the queen. your highness. [ farting sound ] you are -- you have netflix. let me give you -- [ farting sound ] [ laughter ] let me give you -- hold on a a second. i want to give you some advice on what to watch.
[ quacking ] [ laughter ] help me. help me a sec. watch "house." oh, my gosh. just w -- just w -- just watch "friends." i'll talk to you later. bye. oh, what's that? bye-bye. [ cheers and applause ] >> great sound effects. >> jimmy: thank you, higgins. >> yes. >> jimmy: thank you, higgins. >> okay. >> jimmy: taraji, this last one. >> i'm crying tears. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's always fun until all right. you are in the delivery room >> okay. >> jimmy: who is in the middle of giving birth to triplets. >> wow. >> jimmy: her husband calls to explain why he isn't there. >> oh, lord. [ laughter ] [ ringing ] keep breathing. keep breathing. this got to be him. hello? where are you? the second baby is crowning why aren't you here? [ laughter ] what? your car broke down?
if you don't get your ass here [ baby crying ] that's the second baby! you have -- hey. when is that -- the second baby is on the way. >> jimmy: yeah. >> wait. ate earlier. but you better get here. [ laughter ] you got to get here or it is -- [ baby crying ] we want a divorce. [ baby crying ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, that's it right there. you guys, come on. [ cheers and applause ] always game. always fun. thank you, thank you, thank you. always fun. are you kidding me? >> jimmy: taraji p. henson. "empire" returns march 30th at 9:00 p.m. on fox. comedian mike birbiglia joins us after the break. stick around everybody, it's great.
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theater through may 29th. give it up for the very funny mike birbiglia. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. yeah. welcome back to the show. thank you for being here. >> hey! >> jimmy: i gotta say before we talk about this, which is great. i love "sleep walk with me," i always bring it up every time you're here. >> thank you. >> jimmy: but you have a new movie -- >> yeah, holy cow. >> jimmy: that's coming out at south by southwest. >> i directed a movie called "don't think twice." it's comin' out in, gosh, two weeks at south by southwest with keegan- michael key, gillian jacobs from "love." which is so funny. if you haven't seen it. >> jimmy: are you excited for this? this is a big deal. >> oh, yeah. i'm thrilled. it's about an improv group. >> jimmy: yeah. >> new york city, bunch of best friends, who -- where one of them sort of makes it.
>> jimmy: ooh. out what's next in their lives. >> jimmy: you always do tricky stuff here. congrats on this. >> thanks. for 11 more weeks. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. theater. >> yeah. it's all -- >> jimmy: congrats on that. >> thanks. yeah, it's a show that i wrote all about jokes and how they get you in trouble. and how they make us closer to each other. how they bond us. >> jimmy: yeah. i love this story about you getting arrested. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: it's a good one. >> jimmy: yeah. >> in the show i tell a story about how i -- when i was starting out, i was on the road, i was driving my mom's station wagon around the country to areas of lesser comedy concentration. ohio, west virginia, new jersey. by the way, i bought my mom's car. i found out recently, sometimes when people's parents have faith in their child's dream, they'll give them their car. [ laughter ] and my mom got -- >> jimmy: she charged you for it. >> my mom, she got the full blue book value. [ laughter ] she's like, this car just doesn't have that. >> jimmy: that was nice of her. >> yeah. i remember there was this
driving back from a comedy club in new jersey to my air mattress in queens. and i'm coming on the ramp. it's true. i was so broke. when you're broke, everything is low to the ground. you know, you roll off your air mattress in the morning. you grab some pants from a a floor. you cook noodles on a hot plate. one falls out of your mouth you're like, it's not too far. [ laughter ] you know, the only way to get lower is if you died. and so, remember this rock bottom point, i'm driving down the ramp to the lincoln tunnel. and this cop just points at me and waves me over. when you're broke, cops will pull you over just if you have a crappy car. just see what else you got goin' wrong. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? >> jimmy: that's so nice of them. that's so nice of them. >> like, "you, come here. we're gonna figure out which laws you've broken." >> jimmy: we're not sure yet. >> so, he says license and registration. i pull out my license and i realize it's expired by three weeks. i had that moment where i think, should i preface this conversation with this key
you're not gonna like this. you know what i mean? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> just like, same team, we both think i'm an idiot. [ laughter ] he goes to the cruiser. he's there for ten minutes 'cause there's a lot to do. and then when he comes back, he says, did you know your license is suspended? i didn't know -- i was very naive. i didn't know what suspended meant. so, i said to him, i quote. i said, "yes. no. [ laughter ] wait. what's suspended?" >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. that's good, yeah. yes, no, wait. what's suspended? >> and he said, please step out of the car. i go, "no, i'm serious. i don't know what suspended means." thinking we were having a witty white persons repartee. [ laughter ] and he says, "please step out of the car." i get out of the car. he says, "you're under arrest." and i said, "no, i don't think so." [ laughter ] he says, "i'm sure of it." and then, he cuffs me, which proves the whole thing. and yeah. what's crazy is that, it's -- i ask every night in the audience, if anyone's been arrested. >> jimmy: yeah. and they answer you.
well, what's amazing is everyone always has euphemisms for when they get arrested. people always say, "basically, i got a dui." [ laughter ] which means, you got a dui. >> jimmy: you got a dui, yeah, yeah. oh, well, basically i got -- >> according to them, i murdered someone. [ laughter ] there was a misunderstanding about possession of marijuana. you know what i mean? like sort of, kind of, they thought a blank situation is kind of is always a common one. people will say, i had a dui situation. >> jimmy: i gotta whole situation. >> just add the situation to a a crime. >> jimmy: but what if you -- have you ever like recognized somebody in the audience and they answer you? >> the other night, rachel maddow was in the audience. >> jimmy: oh. >> and if you come to the show you'll see it's an intimate show. it's like, it's 250 people in a a room so we can all kind of see each other. and i said, has anybody been arrested? and she applauded. and i could see her and i had
like, wait. i know that's rachel maddow. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. should i press this further? and i was like, yeah. [ light laughter ] i mean, of course. >> jimmy: you have to. >> i should ask her. and so, what were you arrested for? she said -- she said, it was for a protest. she said, but i got arrested on purpose. which is very convenient. [ laughter ] i feel like if i'm ever arrested for anything. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm gonna just -- i'm gonna frame it that way. >> jimmy: yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, of course. yeah, i meant to do this. >> the guy on "making a a murderer" should have gone with that. you know? >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] >> on purpose. >> jimmy: this is totally on purpose, your honor. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what casino were you in? >> oh, yeah. i had one that was really bad. i was at mohegan sun casino.. and i was performing. and it was going, like, not great. this is a lot of years ago. when i was terrible. i mean, i'm great now. i mean. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's so humble of you. yeah. >> no, it was bad. it was going bad and these two -- two couples in the front row. and they looked like the guys were tough.
criminals of some kind of and they were with their dates. and they just kept talking during the show. like, they just wouldn't stop. and i don't, you know, i don't have like heckler lines. like, i'm not one of those people, comics who's like, you know, i don't show up at your job and do it poorly. i don't know what the lines are. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that was a good one. yeah, yeah. that's a good one. >> i don't have lines like that. >> jimmy: that was a great one. well, now you do. i don't show up where you're workin' and do that thing. >> and do it not as well. >> jimmy: yeah. not as well. >> as others. >> jimmy: yeah. so, they're talking during the show. >> and i go, hey, maybe you guys should leave with your dates, who i implied were hookers. [ laughter ] and i'm dead wrong in this situation. but i implied -- i mean, i said, "maybe you should leave with your hookers." [ laughter ] now, here's where there's so many reasons why this is a bad idea. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> well, two. you know, there's only two possible scenarios in this instance. one is that they are hookers. >> jimmy: yeah, that's true.
yeah. >> if you think about it, they are or they aren't. >> jimmy: yeah. >> if they aren't, it's offensive. 'cause, you know, they got dressed up. they're like, oh, we're going out with these guys who might be mobsters. [ laughter ] and then they -- some person whatever says an insulting thing. and then if they aren't -- if they are hookers, it's insulting. 'cause i think part of the magic of being a great hooker -- [ laughter ] is it's sort of it's the effortless quality. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> where people are like, is that even a hooker? who cares? so, i say this. the guy looks -- the one guy looks at me dead in the eye. like, dark, black eyes. this is how i remember it. and he goes, i'm gonna -- can i curse? it's what he said. >> jimmy: sure. >> we'll bleep it. i'll do both. i'll do a version of both. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he goes, i'm gonna [ bleep ] kill you. >> jimmy: yeah, okay. good. [ laughter ] i love that that camera got it. i didn't even block your mouth. >> i love that -- >> jimmy: i blocked your mouth here. >> i love that this is the
working with. [ laughter and applause ] welcome to "the merv griffin show." >> jimmy: "the merv griffin >> he goes, "i'm gonna kill >> jimmy: yeah. all. >> no one was laughing. >> i definitely wasn't laughing. i was thinking about how maybe i could have been a great middle school english teacher. [ laughter ] yeah, that's perfect for you. >> you guys, you've gotta listen to the end. you gotta listen to the end. my brother, joe, and i were playing blackjack later that night. my brother joe was like, "mike, you can't do that. you can't call people's wives hookers." and i go, "i know. i was there also." [ laughter ] and these two women came over to the blackjack table, i swear this is true. and they said, you guys looking for dates? well guess what? it was the same two women from the show. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: you were right! you were right! >> and they were hookers! >> jimmy: yes! you have a right to say that! you were right the whole time! >> and as we had sex with those hookers.
no, no, mike, no. that's not true. wait, stop, stop. that's not true. you guys, mike birbiglia. [ cheers and applause ] you gotta go see "thank god for jokes" at the lynn redgrave theater through may 29th. come on, buddy. i love you. if you're at south by southwest, be sure to check out "don't think twice," that's his movie. we'll be back with a a performance from fka twigs. and she's great! [ cheers and applause ] hi. hi... i love your pants. thanks. these pants are really speaking to me. can i look at the back? ooooooooooooooh! do you even know what you have back there? give me your pants. you should go to old navy. all pants are on sale up to 40% off. ahhhhhh! you guys! i'm gonna get
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i'll pray for you if you give me time i've had a thousand hearts now you're after mine it's not your fault that i'm loved to my limit i've had plenty so i know you're mine if only a prayer would make your touch so i'd feel it but i'd be wasting time it's good to love i've got a right to give it's good to love it's good to love yourself away
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[ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- casey affleck, from broadway's "she loves me," actor zachary levi, author dr. david agus, featuring the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers! this is "late night!" how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's fantastic to hear. let's get to the news. donald trump won last night's