tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 3, 2013 11:35pm-12:35am EDT
to help out in a small way, i hired two of them to work at show the today. timothy mamone, quality assurance specialist for the department of defense, and giselle ryan, public health investigator for the cdc, an important job today. today we sent them across the street to the theater and asked them to review the new taye diggs movie "baggage claim." time for the nonessential government employee movie review. that's tim. that's giselle. thank you for doing this. tim, giselle, what did you think of "baggage claim." >> excellent. >> meh. >> there you have it, the n nonessential government employee move rereview. thank you, guys. >> for all these people sitting home from work all day, there has been no shut down at family feud. that show is still going. you know -- i watched family
feud with my grandmother a lot when i was a kid. it seemed like the show was different back then. >> name something a groom would be shocked to find when he reaches for his bride's garter. >> al skoe hcohol. >> bottle of liquor on the thigh. >> that her stockings are falling down. >> that her stockings are falling down. >> i am going to say a penis, steve. good answer, right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the first time i have been happy that my grandmother died. ha-ha. elsewhere in tell vision, third season of "scandal" premiereed
tonight. on abc. we'll be joined by katie lowes. she brought a power drill. for those that don't watch it, a strong black woman is sleeping with the president, which could never really happen in real life. unfortunately, olivia polk got furloughed much of the episode was her sitting on the couch watching netflix. guillermo, what did you say in my dressing room before the show? >> guillermo: i am in love with katie lowes. very nice. very sweet. >> jimmy: why are you in love with her? >> guillermo: her body. [ cheers and applause ] . >> jimmy: that's nice -- "her body." >> guillermo: she is very sweet. >> jimmy: tlc reality show i want to give you a heads-up, airs "toddlers and tiaras" the learning channel. and such a big success they're scouring looking for more
despid despicable parents. they found cheerleaders on cheer perfection. >> my knee is not good. the performance did not help it. it probably made it it worse. but it is worth it. >> we didn't win, so is it worth it? >> yes, would you rather have gotten second? >> first. >> so -- >> yes. >> yeah. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> after the competition, annie and i are the hotel bar, drinking sorrows away, it's not because we're losers though, it's because our kids are. >> jimmy: hopefully the wine glass was filled with poison. some of that ricin they gave lydia in breaking bad. people are, people are kind of dumb it turns out. this government shutdown it's ridiculous.
people aren't thinking for themselves anymore. nowadays you pick a side. you stick with that side no matter what. today, i dispatched the camera crew, out on hollywood boulevard, i have been known to do. we asked the following question, do you think it is right, president obama reap fufuses to the government shut down until the government shutdown end? >> that makes no sense. that doesn't mean people wouldn't tripe y to answer it ir skun fu confusing question of the day. >> do you think it's right that president obama refuses to end the government shutdown until the government shutdown ends? >> no. >> why not? >> because i think he need to be given a chance. >> so what you are saying the government shutdown should end before obama refuses to shut it down? >> yes. >> do you think it is right president obama refuses to end the government shut down until the government shut down end? >> i feel like obama is killing
this. he should refuse to shut down. >> you are saying the government shut down should end before obama refuses to shut it down? >> i feel it should end before heave shuts it down. >> so you say he should refuse to end it before it end? >> yeah. >> no, no. he shouldn't reap fultz se it. end it before it ends. end it now. >> what you are saying government shuttle down should end before obama refuses to end it? >> yes. >> do you think it is right obama refuses to end the government shut down before the government shut down end? >> it's wrong. it should end quick. >> but do you think he should end it before it end or it should end before he end it? >> end before he ends. >> as long as it ends before he end it or ends before he end it, you are good? >> yes. >> do you think it is right president obama reap fuses to end the government shut down until the government shuttle
down snendz. >> -- ends? >> sorrition the question is confusing. >> say again. >> that doesn't even make sense. >> you are asking a very tricky question. >> i think it's straight forward. >> not really. not at all, actually. [ cheers and applause ] [ indiscernible ] >> jimmy: we'll take a break. when we come back, i have a list of rules for schchinese people would look to go through. not my rules, china's rules. kfc, chicken in a cup. and this week in unnecessary censorship, and john mayer and katie lowes. so stick around! ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: tonight on the show, from "scandal", katie lowes is here, and we'll be right back with john mayer. >> a series of remarkable guidelines for citizens traveling abroad. apparently sch lly schin -- chir tiss are known for violating norms. they put out a guide look for civilized tourism. that's how they put it. i will go through some. and i promise you each one is real. rule number one do. not pick nose in public. that's what chopsticks are for. number two, do not occupy public toilets for long period of time or leave footprints on toilet seats. does that even happen? have i been using the toilet seats the wrong way? maybe that's how they surf. number three, do not pee in swimming pools. especially not from the diving
board. rule number four, do not make slurping sound when eating noodles. in fact, don't make slurping sounds when you are eating anything at all ever. rule five, after a flight do not steal life jackets. who steals life jackets? they say you have a dangerous situation arises some one else will not have a life jacket. that's true. maybe, like, hey, i made this. i am taking home. [ cheers and applause ] next rule. should be, right? next rule, do not spit in the street. or anywhere, really, while at it. rule seven do not force locals to help take pictures. that one i don't get. i have never seen a chinese tourist taking a picture. rule eight, not sure i understand this one. avoid giving mums or yellow flowers to dinner hosts in france. yeah, what are you monsters? sound like the secret password
or something. avoid giving mums or yellow flowers to dinner hosts in france. next one, do not take excessive amounts of food at buffets. that one i am guilty of. actually still on lifetime ban from hometown buffet. last one, snap fingers to beckon dogs not humans. i don't know. and don't eat the dogs when they come. this is, this is some story. kentucky fried chicken made a breakthrough in the science of fast food. they call it the gold cup. a cup of fried chicken. that fits in the cup hoemd hold your car. finally chicken comes to a cup. the cup. i think i could have figured that out, a month. six weeks top. but many are heralding this
go-cup as pin come of food convenience. but kfc may have been outdone by ape re a restaurant taking chickens almost hand free. >> i'm chugging chicken. >> no time to chew, chickenchic. say good-bye to greasy fingers and bones, it's chicken chugging time. >> chug, chug, chug! >> that's good chicken! >>. ♪ i'm chugging chicken you're chugging chicken ♪ >> that's good. >> jimmy: that was kenny rogers. we bring out the big guns for that. thursday night time for the tribute to fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they
need it or not. this week in unnecessary censorship. >> this is a government shutdown. i am wondering who is the [ bleep ] the elephants at the washington zoo? >> i would remind the president, harry reid, senate democrats, [ bleep ], is the law. >> you have to work longer hours, much more work, and now, they get a another [ bleep ] in the butt. >> their best season in franchise history last year. then they celebrated by [ bleep ] their head coach. >> we want to know what you would do itch you can have superman's powers for just one day. >> i think i would [ bleep ] batman in the [ bleep ]. >> you know how it is you try to [ bleep ] me for more than ten second. >> 911 operator is in trouble she appeared to laugh at a guy who called in because the his [ bleep ] was on fire. >> the house has the made its position known clearly. we believe we should [ bleep ] the government. >> no, this [ bleep ] is not
about budgets, this [ bleep ] is about rolling back our efforts to provide health insurance. >> well she should have stayed there and waited for police to arrive. well a whole bunch of guys are beating on his [ bleep ] and he any got a baby inside. >> sorry, but no one goes over my bridge unless you [ bleep ] i [ bleep ] and you're going to like this one cute puppy. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with john mayer. so stay with us! ♪
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, from scandal, season three premiered earlier tonight here on abc, quinn perkins herself, katie lowes is here. and we've got an outstanding line up for you next week too. elton john will be here, the cast of modern family will be with us, owen wilson will be emily vancamp, from the la clippers - chris paul, blake griffin, and deandre jordan, and we'll have music from korn, panic at the disco, and arctic monkeys.
join us then. our first guest is a six-time grammy-winner whose talent and charisma casts a potent magical spell on every gender, age group and life form. this is his sixth and latest album it's called "paradise valley." please welcome john mayer. [ cheers and applause ] [ applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: we are dressed almost identic identical. >> i want to dress up for you. >> jimmy: everything all right? >> everything is good again. >> jimmy: i shouldn't bring this up, you know chris elliott. >> i am a fan. >> jimmy: he is great. many years ago when you first broke on the scene he sent me an e-mail. at the end he wrote, your body is a wonderland. and i go, like that its the funniest thing.
anyone has ever said. next day i heard it on the radio. oh, all right. still funny. >> the combination one-two punch of mayer and elliott. >> jimmy: middle of a tour. long tour. >> people ask me when it is over. not worth answering. >> jimmy: when did it start? >> fourth of july. >> jimmy: until you are in your 50s. you had a throat problem, serious throat problem. >> a very serious not threatening but very serious situation. where it's always strange when you tell people, i haven't been on, i haven't been sing in three years. i didn't hear about that. you hear how important you are. three years of your life have gone by. lives out in the woods, getting a beard. you are like i'm back. oh, you're here. i had no idea. i assumed i want to go see you last summer. it was very strange. it its just an assumption. >> jimmy: what do they do to your throat? just rest? >> no, we tried rest. we tried -- didn't work.
surgery. that didn't work. so, imagine coming off surgery this is going to do it. doesn't do it. then i met a great doctor. he said well what we do is inject botox into your vocal chord. i said great idea. when do we schedule? i said right here, right now you. are going to gas me. know we go through your neck with a needle. and the older you get, when your mom its not there to see that you are about to cry, and you go, we'll come back and reschedule that. you realize, there is no mom anymore. it's going to be the office, you can see you are about to pee yourself. we'll call, we'll call about that. the older you get the more stuff they do in the office right there. >> jimmy: immediately. belter. y better. you have how to do it. then they're going home to tell everyone what a wuss john mayer is.
>> the whole audience would be. he said i'll step out. i stared at the needles. this its what i do for a living the i go i can't believe i'm doing this. in through the neck. very dramatic. i said hong dow long does it ta? three dates. not only not immediately. three days of the wind down period. you are thank you, i love you. i may not see you again in period time i am not able to speak, i want to till you, miss, i love you. >> jimmy: makes you realize how brave the "real housewives are" get that in the face all the time. >> were you thinking about the joke the last minute i was talking? >> jimmy: i was. from the moment you went like this. i thought, huh? >> you were going. nodding along. i love it. >> jimmy: patientlied by might time. yes. you did kind of move, well not really the wood. a small town in montana. >> out to the woods.
bought the police a getlace a g. not going to be on tour. i know of a place that i can go. that part was good. i was able to really become a part of the community instead of look celebrity who drops in once in a while. i really became -- >> jimmy: what do you do. there can be resentment when you move into a town. >> shut up and listen, ask people how does this work. a small town. i am from a big town. that's just all i have to do is scale it down. that's going to be easy. it's not. it's harder. bauftz because it is small. everything matters. listening, how does this work. don't drive a land rover, don't drop into town and just buy a land rover. okay, so i am a ford guy now. i'm a ford guy. respect the ford guy. droin. may drop in. i will get the evoke. low end land rover. and any time any one wants an autograph. yep. i am going to see you tomorrow. you know what i mean? >> jimmy: yeah.
>> you know how it is. >> jimmy: it makes sense. did you enjoy that? >> it is good. really good. >> jimmy: do you fish? >> i started fishing. that is intense stuff. that is dumb people. that is for -- that is for really, the, people much smarter than i am. so i am going to wait until i can learn to do that. don't want to make a fool of myself. i just kind of hang out. really good for me. i come back to l.a. i can be part of the nonsense. but not claim it as my own. if you live here, have a garage door opener here, you are sort of part of the problem if you take part in it. >> jimmy: how is the garage door opener? >> you are a resident. like a resident. you are part of the sort of situation. you can't complain about traffic if you are here. but i can come in here, right, a big asterisk next to this, i'm any just as part of the problem as any one else is. but i have a montana license, i'm any just visiting. not one of you.
i am having a great time here. having a great time here. ben affleck's game night. but i am just visit it iing. >> jimmy: ben affleck has a game night. should i do it -- >> trying to work with the audience demographic. >> jimmy: i have to take a break for a second. i didn't know about the game night. um, john has the a new album. we'll be right back! ♪
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>> jimmy: john mayer! you have the gig at hollywood bowl friday night. >> saturday night. >> tomorrow is san diego. >> jimmy: special to play hollywood bowl? great, great venue. >> it is elevated in people's interests. i feel like instagram, you have to go some where to get the win. now the hollywood bowl is like in l.a. if you are at the bowl on instagram, friday, saturday,
you win. drinking pabst blue ribbons, or you can be at the bowl watching dxx. no matter how far back you are, stage could be a red dot, if you are at the bowl and hash tag mumford and sons. >> does it bother you when everybody is like this with the cameras, paul mccartney was here, my dad, did this, dad it is on tv. what are you doing? >> your dad has an instagram, trying to win it, win it? >> instagram father. nothing of the kind. don't know what he is doing. he did it. >> weird we came back from south america. 35,000 people going crazy. shoulder to shoulder going crazy. came back into the states. it was like we played the same show. people aren't going crazy. i think to myself i'm not playing a very good show. i look out they're going crazy but not for me but not to me, so they're, they're applauding into the phone so what i do now is i finish the show and i search
myself on instagram to see how people would have cheered had they not had the phone. it's really weird, yeah. >> jimmy: your girlfriend, katy perry, hope you don't mind, she says you can do a cross word puzzle in less than 10 minutes, true? >> true, huge caveat, that i can do -- it is "the new york times" puzzle, just the monday. >> jimmy: just the monday. >> monday in under 10. monday is a really hard "usa today" puzzle. i've can do that in under 10 minutes. tuesday i can do in 15. by wednesday i give up. wednesday i just know like one name out of a lot. >> jimmy: skip to the "tv guide" cross word puzzle. new album. >> very sweet for her to call me a genius. >> jimmy: on your behalf. you guys have a duet here, song you wrlt ote together. >> yeah. >> jimmy: "who you love" and you
wrote with frank ocean also. >> yeah, really cool. there is still some musicians out there you can call and say the studio door is open. come in. let's do something. and, katy was one. sunny was fantastic. great experience. the song is one like old f.m. 70s, 80s sort of duets. i listen back to it. really convincing. i watched it get made. i am still kind of taken aback. >> jimmy: saw you in rehearsal. in for a treat. john mayer, everybody. we'll be right back with katy lowes! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> good afternoon, sir, welcome to holiday inn. >> i would look to check in. i read good reviews about holiday inn. it looks really nice. >> we have made quite a few changes. let me show you. >> okay. ♪ ♪ i've don't want to brag or seem at all snobby but we made lots of changes starting with the
lobby let me show you what else is in store i'll sing to a song while i give you ape tour ♪ ♪ the pool its so sparkly, water deep end and chlorine for frz i won't be going in because i'm holding a guitar but if you fall in i'm trained in cpr ♪ ♪ the restaurant's got high quality food, you can sip coffee that's been freshly brewed if you have a craving for an afternoon snack you don't need to worry because we got your back ♪ ♪ the last thing we'll show you our big comfortable bed and pillow menu. i showed you so much stuff, sure you had enough ♪ >> wait, i forgot i look to sleep in the buff. >> well i'm out. >> no bedtime story? ♪ i think i'm going to leach because leach -- leave because it's been getting weird, i've been through this before
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>> jimmy: john mayer will play for us. you know, our next guest as the mysterious, power drill-wielding quinn perkins on the hugely popular tv show "scandal." watch it thursday nights at 10 here on abc. please welcome katie lowes. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: guillermo is smitten. he ran up to my dressing room to tell me -- i love this woman. >> thank you, guillermo. i love you too. >> jimmy: this is your first talk show, correct? >> it's my first time.
i watched this show a million thousand times. i am such a fan of yours and yours. yes. >> jimmy: you don't have to do that with him. he's had enough today already. s this its your first big job? >> yes, 18 month as goish i had every horrible job in the book, waitress, nanny, caterer, personal assistant. you name it. now i am sitting here on your show. >> jimmy: what was the worst of those jobs? >> the worst of those jobs was definitely the babysitting. even though, i honestly i love kids. i do. but i babysat for one celebrity who will remain nameless, family, who didn't believe in diapers. >> jimmy: what does that mean they don't believe in diapers they don't believe they exist? >> it basically means. >> jimmy: disposable diapers? >> no, no.
there were cloth option diapers. but also, the dababy would go around in baby life, and the onesies, if he was starting to make a face of frustration and, what you would have to do is quickly remove the onesy rush to the toilet, hold the baby, over the toilet in between my legs. >> jimmy: i don't know. i have never ben a nanny. >> i would have to make encouraging poop sound behind his face. and go like -- >> jimmy: they told you to do this. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i have to know who the people are. >> i will get in such trouble. >> jimmy: go through "us weekly." >> honestly i scant beliecan't . i would feel successful when the baby would go in the toilet. like i was doing a really good
job for my $15 an hour. once in a while my, tears would just like, stream down my face because i was like i am not supposed to be doing this. i am supposed to be an actress. >> jimmy: no one is supposed to be doing that. put diapers on your children. >> totally. this family did not. >> jimmy: i must know who these people are. guillermo, get sodium pentathol. unbelievable. did the kid have one of the weird hollywood names? >> jimmy: yes. >> look super weird. super, super weird. yeah. >> jimmy: i am so enticed by the story. >> i can't tell you anything. i signed documents. you can't say anything. i shouldn't have gone this far. >> jimmy: we have come this far. >> it's my first time. >> jimmy: will you tell john main mayer, he can write a song about it. next album a secret thing for us. >> i kind of love the idea.
>> jimmy: your character on "scandal" is kind of crazy. >> a little cray-cray. >> jimmy: little more. >> the season finale last year, she totally took a power drill to this dude's thigh and tortured hem to get out information. and she loved it. >> jimmy: yeah, who wouldn't love that. >> sign me up. gyp th . >> jimmy: that has the got to be a lot of fun? >> just going off all the jobs i have had. >> jimmy: what else, what other terrible jobs did you have? >> i mean, i was a waitress for a really long time. >> jimmy: that's not too bad. >> i mean it was a great job. they let me leave for auditions. i got to wait on celebrities who will, i can say who this is. one time i waited on brad pitt. >> jimmy: we know he is not one of the ones. >> not one of the ones. joy unless you are throwing us way off. >> no, no, i waited on him. i was so excited about waiting on him, huge celebrity, brad
pitt, such a fan. i was like trying to be the best wait res ev waitress ever that night. he ordered a martini with extra olives. i waited for him to finish. he had a couple olives left. i quickly bused his martini glass into the kitchen. half of the olive he had eaten, i ate the other half. it's true. >> jimmy: i believe it. >> so that i could say that i had kind of like touched brad pitt's lips. i known who wouldn't do that? >> jimmy: i wouldn't. but i understand. how did brad tip, great tipper. >> great tipper. nice guy. >> jimmy: his name is backward tip. >> double ps, extra good. >> jimmy: it was great to meet, i met you before. great to have you on the show. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: congratulations for the success of the show.
>> jimmy: katie lowes! "scandal" airs thursday nights at 10 here on abc. when we come back music from john mayer. [ female announcer ] having grands biscuits in the morning is easy. pop them in, go about your business, and in just 15 minutes, your family can enjoy warm fresh from the oven biscuits. pillsbury grands biscuits. let the making begin. faster than kenny can dodge a question.
♪ river's strong you can't swim inside it we could string some lights at the hill beside it ♪ ♪ tonight the moon's so bright you could drive with your headlights out 'cause a little bit of summer's ♪ ♪ what the whole year's all about you look fine fine fine put your feet up next to mine we can watch that water line ♪ ♪ get higher and higher say say say ain't it been some kind of day you and me been catching on like wildfire ♪ ♪ don't get up just to get another you can drink from mine we can't leave each other ♪
♪ we can dance with the dead you can rest your head on my shoulder if you want to get older with me ♪ ♪ cause a little bit of summer makes a lot of history and you look fine fine fine put your feet up next to mine ♪ ♪ we can watch that water line get higher and higher say say say ain't it been some kind of day ♪ ♪ you and me been catching on like wildfire ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ and if you further up the road can you show me what i still can't see remember me ♪ ♪ i'm the boy you used to love when we were fifteen remember me ♪ ♪ i'm the boy you used to love when we were fifteen now tonight on "nightline," a car with a baby inside smashes into a white house barrier at full throttle. then comes a case through the heart of d.c. and gunfire that end with deadly chaos at the capitol. but who was she, what was she
doing? we'll have the very latest. >> after doing things like this and this and a year after nearly killing himself like this -- a world renowned stuntman is cheating death once again. we are going all the way to china for his latest gravity denying mission. ♪ i came in like a wrecking ball ♪ >> creative differences after miley virus gets advice, the pop star pushes the suggestive envelope even further. ♪ creating of a different buzz >> how did she get eclipsed on the charts by the 16-year-old royal who keeps it clean? >> announcer: keep it right ñ[=