tv North Carolina News at 500PM CBS November 1, 2016 5:00pm-5:30pm EDT
o nd oi want. ( ba-dum ) that does it! hold thear. arthur, what are you doing? i am going to the principal of this school, and i'm just gonna ask him how he feels abt ha rdcore pornograp. ar... oh, carol, what are we going to do now? oh, mother,don't worry about it, we'll do the sketch. why don't you run over your number? i'd raruover ar. sing. oh, i n't fe like it. ( jazz music plays ) u sing to me. oh, all right. end i'the audience. ( sic continues ) ? in old savannah, i said savna ? the weather there is nice and warm ? yeah. ? the climate's of the southern brand ? ? but one thi i ng n't understand ?
?he's a heart ? ke ?us stone? ? even icn leave her alone ? ?hey call her hard-hearted hannah ? ?he vamp savnah ? ? meanest galtown ? now, you talk about your cd ? refrigeratin' mamas ? ( sucks air through clenched tee ? she's the polar bear's pajamas ? ? ? torture and kill 'em ? is her delight, they say ? ? now, i saw her theatea? ? with a great big pan ? ? why, there was hannah ? ? pourin' water a donwn? ? mean shs hard-hearted hannah ? ? the vp of savannah, g-a ? ? now, an evening spent with hannah ?
? in your bvds ? ? i said, haedrd-hannah ? ? i meahe's hard-hearte? ? the vamp of savannah ? ? g-a ? cheering ) ( music ends ) now, hear this-- the principa ominright down here to put a stop to this dirty show. oh, but, arthur... the show is tonight! i told you at the start of this thing we should do a wholesome show. remember?uggested mary poppins. mary poppins. that's the one that has that word in it--
( in high-pitched british accent ) now, children... ich of you would like to spell johnny? ( moans ) spell "mississippi"-- you want the river or the state? ( drum thump ) ( thump ) ( thump thump ) ( thump thump ) ( thump thump thump thump thump ) honestly, you are the most intractable group of juveniles i have ever witnessed! intractable, juvenile! get them fancy words?!
( thump ) ( thump ) stop that! quiet! now, i am goingto have m for a few moments. while i am gone, there is to be pitbalthrowing, no hair-pulling, and, abo all, no prayers. if i catch aonpring, god help you. soular with the boys? my charming smile? nope. my personality? nope. my brains? nope. ( thp p thump ) ( thump thump ) stop that necking! if i catch anyone neckin ump ) i intend tput a stopo g. it's about time, a dame your ( thump )
l alinat all right, maude, now we're gonnhave a showdo. the principal is wng to see you in the locker room. fink! no, his name is "fishman." look, honey, why you get into your costume, phillip? arthur harmon... all right, come on, everybody! ! lo, ur, arurn't re what you, it is all in your head! that is not true, and you know it, maude-- please, please, please! ( clears throat ) as the principalof thisc- the audience will become so stimulated immatiately the show is over, they'll ruuto e lobby and have a mass orgy? oh, i hope not. our lobby is so tiny. arthur, what u're sgesting is out-and-out censorship. as a ranking member of the school board-- either you cancel this show,
ease, i don't nty more trouble . ve got enough trouble in this school without geinmu look, arthur, op browbeatg mrfishman. now, shen do you ht at's immoral and what isn't? sincince wn?! since when?! put a stop to permiiveness. they voted overwhelmingly against just this kind of filth! five to foarthur is overwhelming? actually, it was five t ve to four, arthur. douglas' dions don't count. arthurwill is the most brilliant scholar on the court! maude, the man spends his time climbing mountain name me a mountain climber that ever had a thghinis head. moses, jesus, and mumm. see? you could only name three. furthe i fe,d it very heartening to note that the supreme court finally threw the obscenity ball
right to decide for itself what is indecent. you mean anyenose can stop anything he doesn't like? are you calling me a bluenose? if the handkerchief fits, blow. half hour before the opening noo-noo na-noo-noo noo-noo-- knock it off, mousie! all right, fishman, it's up to you now. mrs. findlay, dr. harmon's point is well-taken, i think. because,we-- all right. all right, all right, that's it. we will do it your way, arthur. there wi bnohow. all right, no show. welli wanted raise moneyr tr no opening number-- no opening number-- whh you wrote. which i wrote. no audience. no audience. no laughter in these empty halls. well, 's theay it has to be. no opening night party at the r c'est la vie. no arthur harmon singing the siegfried line. no arthur harmon singing the siegfried line. no s of thgrease paint, no roar of the crowd-- no arthur harmon singing the siegfried line?! oh, arthur, honey.
to quarrel with each other. w wh'm kidng, arthur? i mean, i know cssen iee it. es ) may god forgive me for this. it's a showstopper. me, less, of course, that great tradition the sh must go on" doesn't meannything to you, in which case, i'll simply have to-- i'm sorry, mrs. findlay, i'm truly sorry. fishman! don't you know anything about the great traditio "the show must go on"? ? to the left of me hat it means, the show is going on. and now that i'm gonna do the siegfried line, the show will have some redeeming social value. where do i get into my costume? in the men'soom. why, i hope he doesn't get mugged. ( drum roll ) ( jazz music plays ) ? girls ? ? to the right of me ?
? love the girls, girlirls, rls ? ? girls ? around the world, we search for girls to wake the connoisseur up. in this strange maplace, mai present miss europe. the beautyof ourext made is guarantee daze . insctable, to say the least, may we present miss asia. a splash of ethnic culture is a tng we all enjoy. so, for allyou cultur, here's our african envoy.
( zz mic plays ) bothere's no vinism like chauvinism when it comes to favorite types. for me, here comes our own miss stars and stripes. ( drum roll ( ?zstars and stripes rever plays ) ( to the tune of yankee doodle ) ? from every country on this earth ? ?de our population ? ? our melting pot ingredients ? ? have made a tasty nation ? we're tuning up,
? and te's maud ?nd thethere's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? andhen the's maud compromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but anquilizin' ? all: ? rht on maude! ? caro i didn't hear what florida said. did she call the cleaners? eighteen times, mother. they said he's on s way. maude, have en? i've looked upstairs, i can't find them downstairs.
i know, walter. one ngs ) ( rings ) hello? oh, hello, grace. uh, listen--no, i--gce, pleaar, de i know, grace. i know, grace. i know, grace. grace robes- her hud got her in a terrible mess. ought he die he did die. that's how he got her in a terrible mess. something about his wi. i know, grace. i know, grace. i ow, grace. that darn cleaner, he was supposed to be here at 2:00 this afternoon withess.dr i'll just have to wear something different. listen, viv, i do value your opinion, so? well, oh
"for their contribionsto the fit "f the state's ratification he equal rights amendment for women." here, you read the rest. "the prominent ramrod will be--" ramrod? they mt be talking about you, maude. oh, give me. "the prominent couplewill bhonot in the ramrod room of the tuckahoe country club." speech! come on, maude, walter-- wait a second, w. aw. ma i'm so proud of you! oh, sweetheart, i'm glou feethat way. then, you won't beo se if i go to the affair tonight stark naked. oh, i'll kill that clea-- grace. i know, grace. the nerve of that woman! shng up me. say, maude, if you don't havedr a s to wear, mahave sething you can courself with. afsawi the paper this morning,
carol: chris! ( all talking at once ) oh! oh! , chris, darling, how thoughtful of you. oh, walter. you know, i never realized what a beautiful couple we are. such nice opores. gosh, i never saw such a big picture in my life! looks like a snapshot for wilt chamberlain's wallet. arthur's sense of humor must be rubbing off on me. better outhan on u. i do, don't i? and to think that with that shirt and that jacket, you had the innate good taste not to clutter it up
me picture. that looks like a snapshot for wilterlamb's wallet. ha ha ha ha ha. arthur! that's exactly the same thing i said. really? vivi has a marvelous nse hor don't you thinso, maudie? ( one rings ) saved by the bell. ( rings ) hello? oh, hello, gra lien--noac't-- can'lk tu no ( rings ) i know, . l th tnghangup. i know, grace. you knowfe full of irony. i mean, here i am, wife of the year
ha. that ought to scare the termites out of the house. ha ha ha ha ha. ( doorbell rings ) co i'm coming. well, where have you been? jeez, lady, i had to deliver five tuxedos. a bunch of nutty dames are dragging their poor husbands to some stupid thing for n'. ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha. give me the dress! all the buttons are missing! ink i'm gonna give you 2.50 for this? then, all your buttons are missing! carol, it is ruid, ruined-- mother, calm dn, calm down! it's not rnemot. maude, i can put new buttons on that in a minute. i--i thinkhelp. listen, maude, just rax. eve isng's gonna be fine. besides, maude, don't rrif you'.
that of a wan? that i would expect from you, arthur harmon. ( phone rings ) thank waltavenar, n who eats women like human beings. ( rings ) i know, e. i know, grace. , gri knowe. i know, grace. you and e yourperiority. yore as bad as grace's h chundy-- and leaves her with a will thbsoluty ties her hand and foo e's permission? she can't do anything wiout ustes permission. oh, come on, maudie, what chubbyerts d for his wife was perfectly admirable. appointing a trustee protects the little woman. protects, my foot! u meanontrol. well, my walter doesn't want to control his little wofr th. that's why we're husband and wife oyear tell, walt.
come on, honey tell him. alght, wter, who's the trustee? ( chuckles ) d's wi will get you for this, walter. sk rol, vivian! what iit? i am not g! you're wha! i am not going! for righequal for womene figt when i can't even be equal in my own home? no. i will tell the committee en theget here. ude, wh! we're husband and wife of the year! we are the frauds of the year, walter.
maude, there's a lot at stake if i die-- my assets, a going business. walter, i am not helpless! haven't you noticed?! it, maude, if anything should happen to me, that business is your financial security! and it's very important to me, too! i mean, findlay's appliaes --is--is... well, it's so important that it's hard to talk about. oh, sw eeeaundersta. oh, honey, every man hastof so that the world'll know hen here. i mean, ford left the automobile, and, uh, einstein left a theory. edison left the light bulb.
yove pasd away. and i have met a tall, handsome, smooth-talking louse who picks me clean in six months while making mad, passionate love to me. walter, allow me to make my ois please let me make my own mistakes! walter, daing,t. s, it is, walter, and that's all it is! not anr word if that isn't just like a woman! if you'll feel better, explain. all i wanted to say, maude-- ? maude, if you don't-- ? i don't hear a wohererd tayin' ? oh, florida, dear, forget a t dress. i'm not going tonight. now, listen, cat ar you,
thank you. inewi could c. you' ba grt comfort to me in my old age when my hearing fails. come on, we're going to that dinner. screwball city. i'm warning you, i'm gonna ye inour ear! ( g ) i'm yelling in your left ear, ether you can hear me or not! maude, i'm not chag my wl because i'm your husband, i'm your protector! maude, i married you toakcare of you! and t till just death do us part either, maude! because i'm not letting my grieving, helpless, little old widow get taken by some greasy-haired gigolo-- walter!!! ah, you heard "greasy-haired gigolo." and every other crooked word thatimped out of your two faces.
's peace in this house since bobby riggs blew it! ( doorbell rings ) maude: ...walter, you're badly mistaken! walter: well, it is as f ai'concerned! good eveni hello. hi, there. we're the hausers, and, uh, these are the cronins. how do you do? hi. they'll be down in just one minute. won't yo in?me sure. i'd love to. when i'm gone, i d want any greasy-haired gigolo moving into my bed either! maude: if i want a greasy-haired gigolo in my bed, th's my buness! and mrs. findlay is rehearsing her acceptance speech. walter: now, you listenmee! you stolwi me, walter! look, i'm sick and tired of your attitude.
okay, yowa the ntin t famy?! okayhere!!! take the pants!!! walter, if you are stupid enough to stand around in your under shorts, me telyou one thing. what? our company's here. ughs ) ( laughs hysterically ) ( coughs ) at'so damned funny?! a) w ter, your bony knees. ha ha ha ha ha. and b) the expression on their faces. hi there, hausers, cronins. see? i just realize. i just realized that i don't want your pants.
e doi' b in just a minute. maude, you're going? of course i'm k i owe you an apology. if i had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down, i'd have done a better job of ironing his shorts. maude, now we're going? is that i hea you say? all of a sudden, now we're going? i'm going, walter, you're not. you're going?u talking about? out of my way, walter. i am a woman, and because i am a woman, i must make myself beautifulfor. erful head start. now, come on, maude. you cat accept the husband and the wife of the year award without a husband! walter, i am accepting the wife of the year award. i have also just become the most liberated woman theofe. why dn't i think of it before? walter, darling, i have decided i am not accepting your estate.
no, i'm not. i have just cut myself out of your wi i don't want your protection, walter. i don't want your money, i don't want findl's appliances. after you're gone, arthur can take your piece of the rock you mean that you would give up everythi want leave you just because you don't like my will?! that rightthat is absolutely right, walter. i would rather be free and poor an be safe and secure under somebody else's control. i don't believe thust ard that! you can't do this to me! you've gotta accept my estate! sorry, sweetheart, you had yohance, and, like bobby riggs, you blew it. maude, you've gotta accept my estate! i mean, wha-wha-what'll happen if word gets around? i'll be humiliated. that's your problem, not . walter, i am free.
livingston seagull! oh, honey, i am free, free, free-- come here, sit down, i want to talk to you. free to make my own decisions. stop flapping your wings-- ee to make my ownta i am free of shackles! maude!!! sit! stock of the cemeter now, when i die, you're gonna take everything i walter, stophrtenie. maud as ever ft rything and had her refuse it! i ll not be made a fool of! now, i'm not asking yo i am telling you! walter, now you're not only threatening me, you're yelling at me. maude, please!!!