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tv   CBS This Morning  CBS  November 4, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EDT

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i love you, too, mork. [ ding! ] my, you look fetching. oh. hello, mother. do you like it? it's new. divine. it's a bit chic for the summers, though, isn't it? darrin and i are going to a dinner dance at the country club with the tates tonight. u here? no particular reason. as you're going to a dinner, i thought i might help. help? you have four mice and a pumpkin around? i have already met my prince charming. oh, there he is now. [ ding! ] mother -- [ ding! ] ugh! some prince charming. i'm afraid you and i
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hy you can't see him as he really is, like this. [ ding! ] mother! but you persist in seeing him like this. [ ding! ] you're wrong on both counts. i see him as he really is -- like this. [ ding! ] oh! [ ding! ] good.
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[ ding! ] i knew you'd leave him someday. leave who? your husband. see how easy it was? you've forgotten already. we're going to florida together. oh, again? darrin has the week off. his parents picked up tabitha. they're gonna look after her. and this time tomorrow, we'll be sunning ourselves -- oh, yes, if my memory serves me, you've postponed that beautiful fantasy six times. what makes you think this is the lucky seven? he gave me his word. nothing short of a catastrophe can delay us now. darrin, you're just the man who can help us avoid a catastrophe. larry, i was just on my way out.
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just in from pittsburgh -- darrin stephens. i'd like to stay and chat, but i have a plane to catch. jim dewitt was just taken to the hospital with appendicitis. send him a box of candy in my name. i'll write him a get-well card from miami. darrin, it's painful for me to have to tell you this. well, then, for pete's sake, don't do it, larry. i'm afraid you'll have to cancel your plans. you had to do it. i'm afraid i'm the villain, mr. stephens. but my hands are tied. i have a strict tv deadline for my commercials. i know how hard you've been working. if anybody ever deserved a vacation, it's you. you've given service above and beyond -- all right. all right. all right, larry. i can't bear having a grown man cry. i wasn't going to cry. i meant me. thanks, old pal. i'll leave you two together. do you want me to call samantha? no, i'll do it. just be nice to her at her murder trial. what? after she's killed me.
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re taking this. you sounded a little strained over the phone. oh, i can't stay mad at you for long. i've forgotten all about it. well, i have to get back to work. that reminds me, i have some unpacking to do. see you later. [ ding! ] i do hate to say, "i told you so," samantha. really? since when? r up, my sweet. you haven't missed much. it's not much fun going to miami with an old sobersides like desmond. you have the wrong idea about darrin. you can only see one side of him. i know he has another. he can be witty and charming and just full of fun. well, it's a pity you can't take the fun side of him and leave the work side at home. oh, you're a big help. well, no sense in feeling sorry for myself. darrin can't go, and that is that...
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[ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] sam! samantha! g ] fore! darrin, is anything the matter? no, honey. i'm three feet from the cup. i hear those courses in miami are great. i can hardly wait to play them. miami? you didn't cancel the tickets, did you? no. no. not yet. but you said we weren't going. all systems are now go, go, go, go! fore! darrin, what -- what about the stern chemical account?
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why don't you let me take you out of all this? i'll only be a minute, honey. as soon as i find -- darrin? darrin, what are you doing in here? darrin. samantha, please, i was trying to concentrate. oh. what are you concentrating on? the stern chemical account. jim dewitt got sick, and larry asked me if i wouldn't take -- ven't i been through this before? yes, you certainly have. then why am i going through it again? darrin, you just went upstairs to pack. i did? what gave you that idea? i got the idea when you said, "i'm going up to pack." samantha, this is no time to play games. the agency is relying on me to come up with an effective campaign. just a minute.
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of course. [ gasps ] then you -- you're -- mother! what did you call me? darrin, do you feel any different? different than what? never mind. you just go ahead and finish your work. i'll take care of my mother... the meddler! mother! i want to talk to you. did you find the book you were looking for, darling? no. but i found something else. what's that? my husband. oh, darling, you can't win them all. at least one of my husbands -- the other one is upstairs. now, admit it, mother. you divided darrin. oh, don't be so upset, samantha. i did it in your best interests.
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made it irresistible. i only want one darrin! i know exactly what you mean. it's humiliating to look as if you've made the same mistake twice. [ darrin singing ] darrin: samantha! [ ding! ] samantha, who is that singing? the radio upstairs. it is very distracting when you're trying to concentrate. i have a great deal of work to do, you know. i'll turn it off. thank you. nice voice, though. mother! [ ding! ] oh, come on, samantha. i just wanted to see if you were right about david's two personalities. you were. good. now, how about putting him back together?
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if he works as hard as you say he does, at least half of him deserves a rest. that's very peculiar logic. well, that's because it's so sensible. well? well... sam, i can't find my swimming trunks! it isn't as if you won't be with your husband. you'll simply have the fun side of him. in your closet, bottom shelf! listen to him. he's actually enjoying himself. he does sound happy. well, half a rest is better than none. i suppose. will you take him? now, mother, i haven't said that yet. how am i going to explain this to the darrin in the den? tell him you're coming with me. well, now, mother, he'd never agree to that. well, why don't you try it? darling, i think it's a wonderful idea. just because i'm chained here to my desk
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you a chance to rest and me a chance to work. you go with your mother and have a good time. would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time.
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now, the main objective of the campaign will be to acquaint the average person with the significance of chemicals -- and particularly stern chemicals -- upon his everyday life. oh, that's excellent, darrin, first-rate. i'm sure you'll find it satisfactory once you've heard the rest of my ideas. i like it now. look, we've been at this for 16 hours now. i suggest we celebrate our progress by going out to dinner. larry: here, here. well, we do have a lot more work to do. i think we should call it a day. look, i don't get to the big city very often. what do you say we cut loose and have some fun? that reminds me. i've written a small booklet entitled "let's have fun with chemicals." darrin, mr. stern is hungry.
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thank you. now, this is going to be fun. now, everybody, all together -- the last line -- go! ? if you knew susie like i know susie ? ? oh, what a gal ? [ applause ] isn't that terrible? oh, he's so witty and charming. isn't he funny? yeah, he's a laugh a minute. whoo-hoo-hee! come on, sam. let's watusi. i think i'll sit this one out, if you don't mind. you're not gonna poop out on me, are you? you're a little hard to keep up with, you know. yeah, i know. i'm having a ball. hey, look, joe is going off the board. great dive, joe! excuse me a minute. darrin -- fun, fun, fun.
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hey, watch this, everybody! darrin! darrin, you can't swim! [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] jumped right into the pool and back again? [ cheers and applause ] thank you, my friends. it was really nothing. s party time! everyone up to our room for a party! party! i feel guilty. i should be back at the office, working. darrin, will you relax? you've been like a one-man factory all day. that is another angle to consider. we should make a film about the factory, show the folks at home some of the research you're doing -- in a fun sort of way, of course. isn't there some kind of a button you can push
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, hmm? larry, you can't really forget about chemistry. it's in the very air we breathe, this salt and pepper shaker, ashtray, table. fascinating. yes, it is. that's why i believe this campaign will work. first of all, we show the public the phenomenon, and then we interest them in your product. uh-huh. you know, uh, after dinner, i'd like to go to a couple of nightclubs. great. they have a marvelous new chorus line at the purple popsicle. oh, they also have a new comic -- funny, very different, sort of, uh, low-pressure. that's exactly my point. what? a low-pressure campaign. now, while we're waiting for our food, why don't i show you some more ideas i have? darrin, you're kidding. i doubt it. he's not the kind of a man that kids very much.
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it's a great party, huh? uh, yeah. hey, honey, we're all out of champagne. well, we'll order another magnum -- better still, a magni! that's two magnums. you just leave it to old dar. um, darrin. darrin, at the risk of sounding like a nagging wife, can we afford all this? well, we'll just dip into our savings. we can't do that. hey, you're right. i got a better idea. h your nose and whap up some champagne? you want me to use witchcraft? why not? i mean, it'll be crazy. the gang will love it. they'll be crazy about it. they'll get a big kick out of it. but, darrin, you can't tell them i'm a witch. why not? they'll love it, love it, love it. darrin! i'll just try to quiet them down while you do it. darrin! hey! hey, gang! hey, folks! [ ding! ]
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where did everyone go? back to their rooms. but, honey, we were having such fun. darrin... we have something to tell you. we? yes. mother! [ ding! ] oh, my, looks like quite a party. hi, endora. great to see you, baby! oh, thank you. mother, i want the man i married back. i know, but he's charming this way. but this is his best side. don't you like him this way? i like ice cream, but i don't want to eat it all the time. uh, girls, you just lost me. yes, we certainly did. darrin, will you please sit down, please? now, i know this may be -- i realize this may be rather hard for you to understand, but only part of you is here -- the fun side, without a care in the world.
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the other half is at home. okay, i'll bite. what's he doing? well, i hate to think. but i'd better find out. [ ding! ] thought she'd never leave. so much for the tv campaign. now, let me tell you what i had in mind for the radio spots. this boy reminds me of horatio alger -- a boring horatio alger. darrin. d stern. what are you doing here? you're supposed to be in miami. gentlemen, do you mind if i borrow my husband for a moment? oh, please do. oh, please do. we have to be going, anyway. right, sanford? we've monopolized your time too long. but -- but -- sam, we were right in the middle of a business discussion. aren't you glad to see me? of course i am, but not when i'm talking business. i have to get them back. hey! [ ding! ] wait a minute!
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you're in miami. who is he? that's not he, that's you. what are you doing here with my wife? oh, i knew we shouldn't have invited him. we were having a cool time until he showed up. i thought you were going with your mother. she came with me. look, you've got some explaining to do, buster! think you are? boys, boys. will you please tell me who this is? oh, really, you are dense. it's very simple. this is your other half. other half? pleased to meet you. sam, will you please get to the point? darrin. darrin, this is the point. you see, we thought you needed a rest, so we thought we'd take your fun side on vacation. fun side? hi, work side.
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funny about this at all. absolutely no sense of humor. mother, will you hurry up and put them back together? well, it would help if they liked each other a little. never happen. mother. well, separating was easier, you know. but, uh... putting them back together may be more difficult. will you please stop talking about me as if i were some do-it-yourself kit? hey, what a grouch. there is a way to get them back. but i'm not sure they'd like it. what's that? well, they both stand at opposite ends of the room and then run into each other. hey, sounds like fun. are you out of your mind? now, there's no need to be rude to darrin, darrin. after all, he's my husband, too. i'm not even sure that's legal. sam, i've had enough of this nonsense. darrin, you want to get back to work, right? i certainly do. and you want to go back to the party, right?
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okay. first one out the door gets his wish. [ crash ] is he back together again? yes, dear. oh, darrin. darrin, speak to me. oh, i'm mad about that outfit. oh, it's nice to see you, sweetheart. oh, mother, he's back to normal. that, my gal, is a matter of opinion. for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, including those with an abnormal alk or e.g.f.r. gene who've tried an fda-approved targeted therapy,
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or lung, breathing, or liver problems. a chance to live longer. ask your doctor about opdivo. bristol-myers squibb thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians
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well, it was an interesting experiment. at least you had a vacation out of it. some vacation -- at least i learned an important lesson. i can't stand darrin's work side. oh? i can't stand his fun side either. stars and comets, you've finally seen the light. it's the whole darrin i love. i've never heard such blatant, sticky sentimentality in my whole life. i never want him to be anyone else. oh, i think i'll leave before i get sick. ding! ] oh, hi, honey. oh, hi. my, it's nice to have you back -- all of you. well, you've got all of me for three whole weeks. larry was so pleased with the work i did, he gave me a vacation. well, larry is right. you deserve a vacation. the word he used was "needed." anyway, i know where i want to spend it. where? right here -- just the four of us.
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my work side. oh, that's the best vacation i ever heard of. -- [ gasps, giggles ] careful, my husband hasn't left yet. i'm not going to fall for that. i happen to know you're crazy about me. it shows, huh? the feeling's mutual. and that is one reason why we're going to have a celebration tomorrow night. what's the other reason? as a little surprise for you tomorrow night, but i may as well show it to you now. [ gasps ] a calendar -- just what i've always wanted. you haven't seen the best part yet. a calendar with the days crossed off -- well, that's even better. honey, it's what those crosses represent that counts. sam, you haven't done any witchcraft for 29 days. you finally noticed. yeah. i'm very proud of you.
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not only have you not twitched for 29 days, but we haven't seen any of your witchy friends in that time, either -- no offense. none taken. i got a little head start on that when mother said she was gonna go skin diving for a month. good. now, all you have to do is protect your record for good behavior for two more days. ooh. i'll try and keep my nose clean. i'll see you tonight. oh. [ ding! ] samantha, you're still a vision of loveliness. i don't know you. what are you doing in my kitchen? don't fret, my dear. i have a feeling we're gonna make a lovely couple.
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just who are you? ah, my favorite food, chocolate cake. you haven't answered my question. well, actually, there's no reason why you should recognize me.
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illiant, but callow. babysit with you -- wait a minute. you're not rodney. the same. i lost my callow. you mean you're that pushy, spoiled, neurotic brat my mother used to force me to look after? knew you hadn't forgotten me. fortunately, i matured with my neuroses intact. that's what makes me so fascinating. now, look, rodney. i happen to be very busy, so would you mind telling me why you're here? well, even as an adolescent, i loved you, samantha -- in a repressed sort of a way, of course. uh, could i have a little more chocolate cake? make it yourself. well that's mean and cruel of you, samantha. you're only trying to hurt me. take your chocolate cake and get out! [ ding! ] good. [ ding! ] why don't you come away with me? if i tell you, will you leave? perhaps. i think you're obnoxious.
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mplex relationships. rodney, don't you understand? i'm married. i'm above convention. and i have a baby. no, that's out of the question. we'll put it up for adoption. rodney, if you don't go away, i'll tell your mother on you. you don't know where she is. do you? i'll tell her you've been misbehaving, rodney. [ ding! ] well. whew! darrin: honey, we have a visitor. who? come and see. oh! [ laughs ] i found him outside. he just wouldn't leave. oh, darrin, he's marvelous. oh, he's so cute. i wonder who he belongs to. well, i don't know. he doesn't have any tag or -- i guess we'll have to take out an ad in the lost-and-found column.
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you sound reluctant. well, honey, if nobody claims him, would you mind if we kept him? darrin, i thought you wanted to wait till we got a bigger place before we got a dog. well, i did, but i'm crazy about his personality. let's keep our fingers crossed that nobody claims him. how would you like to fix me a drink while i go upstairs and fiddle with my papers? oh, what are wives for? thank you. now, you stay right here and get to know my wife. you'll be crazy about her. [ glass breaks ] [ gasps ] oh, i just fixed that cake for tomorrow night! rodney! that's you, isn't it? [ ding! ] now, just what are you doing here? oh, samantha, my love for you is not warped and selfish.
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and if i think he's worthy of you, i'll leave by tomorrow morning, believe me. if you don't leave right now, i'm going to tell darrin who you are. no, you won't -- you don't want him to know there were any non-mortals in the house. what are you doing? i'm gonna hit you with this saucepan. you come one step further, i'll turn into a dog. sam, what are you doing? [ ding! ] um... well, you weren't gonna hit him, were you? he ate my chocolate cake. well, honey, don't be too hard on him. . look, i'll pick you up another cake tomorrow at perkins' pastry shop. i'll bring it home from work.
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you take good care of him, honey. oh, you can rely on it. i phoned the ad in last night and left my office number. i hope nobody calls to claim him. hmm. hmm. mm-hmm.
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nothing. harriet kravitz is spying on us from across the street, and i thought we might as well give her her money's worth. i'll see you tonight, sweetheart. bye, dog. rodney. rodney! rodney! [ ding! ] i'm not leaving. i've decided he's not worthy of you. rodney, when are you going to get it through that pointed little head that we love each other? is that the only reason you have for not leaving him for me? isn't that enough? [ tabitha crying ] coming, tabitha! but if you had a fight and you split up, then you'd come with me? for the last time, we are not going to split up. what makes you so sure? i'm interested. we have a marriage that's based on mutual trust and respect. if i proved that wasn't true, then you'd come with me? rodney, i am going upstairs to get tabitha,
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i'm going to do something terrible to you. and ruin your record? oh, i don't need witchcraft. i'll punch you in the nose. [ knock on door ] just what i need. phase one of operation split-up, coming up. [ ding! ] oh. oh, i'm harriet kravitz from across the street. hi, honey. uh, i found this in the kitchen. i guess gladys borrowed it from mrs. stephens. i'll take it. sam's slipping into something more comfortable. we're gonna have a little snort together. are you a friend of mr. stephens? well, more a friend of sam's. listen, honey, i'd love to gab with you,
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bye. mutual trust, indeed. phase two of operation split-up coming up. [ ding! ] rodney. rodney? [ laughs ] well, tabitha, looks like our homewrecking friend finally got the message and gave up, huh? are you sure it's the same dog, mr. entwhistle? the description in the ad sounded just like him. he's very friendly, and, uh...oh, yes, he loves chocolate cake. that's him, all right. you sound disappointed. well, i've grown very fond of that dog. to tell you the truth, i was hoping nobody would claim him so that we could keep him. well, perhaps that might be arranged. oh?
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i'd hate to lose him, but it would be difficult to take him with us. would you be willing to sell him? well, look, i'm meeting my sister at 7:00 for dinner. let me talk it over with her, and i'll drop by your house later tonight and tell you our decision. good. i hope you convince her. that dog is really something special, mr. entwhistle. yes. you're very perceptive, mr. stephens. it was the strangest thing. i suddenly had this terrific craving for chocolate ?clairs. i mean, i just had to have a chocolate ?clair. isn't that odd? oh, i think that happens to all of us at some time or another, miss kravitz. well, i suppose mrs. stephens asked you to stop by and pick up something for your company? company? of course, i met him quite by accident. unfortunately, i called at a very bad time. he was still in his robe and pajamas when he answered the door. he said they were just having a snort together. is he a friend of yours, mr. stephens?
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and sam just hasn't had time to tell me about him yet. well, i must say, your faith in your wife is very touching, mr. stephens. uh, miss kravitz. aren't you going to buy some ?clairs? ?clairs? i hate ?clairs. in fact, i don't even know why i came in here. [ ding! ] hi, there! ! now, listen, rodney, no more mrs. nice guy. when darrin comes home, i'm gonna tell him exactly who you are. and i'm warning you, he can be very violent. no, you don't want to spoil your record when you're so close to your celebration. besides, you have my solemn oath that if you two are still together by 9:00 tonight, i'll fly out of your lives forever. still together? did you put a spell on darrin?
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to cause a rift between you two by witchcraft. i just want to be around you for another 45 minutes. that's all. is that too much to ask? darrin: honey, open the door. i've got my hands full. ah, my master's voice. [ ding! ] just a minute, sweetheart. thank you. hey, it's nice to have someone like you welcome me when i get home. nice to have someone like you welcome me. ssarily in that order, i hope. no, i just think you look sensational. i brought dessert. thank you. dinner should be ready in a little while. good. uh, just the two of us? well, this was our celebration. didn't you want to be alone? oh, sure -- it's just that sometimes friends drop in unexpectedly, that's all. no, no, no friends. oh, uh, you want a snort -- uh, drink?
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puttering around the house on your own, huh? darrin, i think there's something i should tell you. i thought so. you've just mixed four ounces of scotch with two ounces of gin. oh. is that all? no. when you want to find out something from me, just ask. not very subtle, huh? unh-unh. okay, i bumped into harriet kravitz today. were having a snort together. well, that's ridiculous. then it's not true. no. then why would she say it? i don't know. honey, don't misunderstand me. i trust you implicitly. it's just that i do get a bit confused. now, are you sure that there wasn't a man here today in his pajamas and robe? darrin, that isn't exactly the kind of thing that would slip my mind.
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the man answered the door -- uh-oh. what is it? well, darrin, i wasn't gonna tell you this. and, uh, i don't think you're going to like it, but -- honey, i'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation. now, who was he? him. the dog? in pajamas and robe? okay, very funny. now, who was he? no, uh, darrin, it was the dog. because i didn't want to spoil our celebration. actually, he's a warlock i used to babysit with. the dog. he came to see me yesterday morning. i know it sounds ridiculous, but, uh...he thinks he's in love with me. the dog. darrin, i'm trying to tell you that that is not a dog. he just posed as a lost dog.
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im him. because he's a warlock? darrin, i'm telling the truth. look, i'll prove it. all right, rodney, he knows. change back. oh, he's just being stubborn. stop playing games, rodney. turn back! he knows i won't use any witchcraft on him. right this minute, i'll hit you with my shoe. sam, you'll scare him. right out of his hide, i hope. sam, don't you think it would be easier just to tell the truth? darrin, don't you believe me? no, i don't! i happen to know that dog is not a warlock. how? because his owner came to my office this afternoon. what? and he's a very nice young man.
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yes, i do see! you want me to believe that this poor, helpless animal is your friend, a dog, and his owner all at the same time. well, darrin, rodney is very devious. sam, aren't you being unfair? unfair?! you're trying to put the blame on this dog because you don't like him. now, don't deny it. you never did like him. you even said that he fawned. you don't trust me. yes, i do trust you. i just resent you're trying to blame this innocent animal. now, will you please tell me the truth? i'm not going to tell you anything. i don't even want to speak to you. in that case, i'm going to bed. i don't care what you do. in the den. come on, fella. [ door slams ]
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boy, am i beat. i'm gonna fall asleep just as soon as my head hits that pillow. good night, dog. [ snoring ] [ ding! ] i got you! no, don't hit me! samantha!
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of man's best friend now? never mind what he thinks of me. what about what he thinks of you? you said your marriage was based on mutual trust and respect. well, i proved you were wrong. he didn't believe you were telling the truth. yes, i did. you did? yes. just once i wanted to win out over witchcraft without any help from you. besides, i didn't want you to spoil your record. he's lying. that's why i went to bed at 8:30! you don't know how happy i am to hear you say that. thank you, sweetheart. uh, pardon me. does this mean that you're not coming away with me? sam, will you excuse me for just a minute? what are you gonna do? i'm gonna punch you right in the nose.
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you tell your insurance company they made a mistake. the check they sent isn't enough to replace your totaled new car. the guy says they didn't make the mistake. you made the mistake. i beg your pardon? he says, you should have chosen full-car replacement. excuse me? let me be frank, he says. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, we'll replace the full value of your car plus depreciation. call 1-844-231-7721. make the switch to liberty mutual and see why we've been awarded highest in customer satisfaction by j.d. power.
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that's 1-844-231-7721. liberty stands with you? liberty mutual insurance. how long is he going to stay this way? oh, it's just one of his old tricks. he knows you won't hit a dumb animal. i'm going to call the pound. that won't work. [ doorbell rings ] [ sighs ] mr. stephens, i saw your ad. i've come to claim my dog. i think there must be some mistake. oh, no mistake. i recognized the description. there he is. now, rodney, you come out of there. this is rodney's mother, darling.
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how are you gonna get him to change back? oh, that's easy. rodney, if you don't change back, i'll give you a flea-and-tick bath. [ ding! ] come on, rodney. it's way past your bedtime. goodbye, my love. i shall return. oh, no, you won't. don't bother to show us out. goodbye, now. ve loved to have seen that tick-and-flea bath. well, you still think i'm entitled to a celebration? you didn't use witchcraft. well, with him gone, we really have something to celebrate. i'll drink to that. [ coughs ] sam, water! [ ding! ] oh, sam! what?
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ways next month. [doorbell rings] [razor buzzing] [doorbell rings] [razor buzzing] master? [doorbell rings] hello, my name is harry huggins. is major nelson home? oh, yes, but he-- he's, uh, occupied. you're, uh, mrs. nelson? oh, not yet, but i am very hopeful. oh, major nelson is quite fond of me. i am his, uh, housekeeper. yes. well, uh, may i wait for major nelson?
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thank you. tiny, little place, isn't it? tiny? boxy. they don't build houses the way they used to. pity. no taste. major nelson has wonderful taste. uh-huh. grand rapids renaissance. you must see the rest of the house. [???] why that-- that looks like a louis xv. oh, it is. why, it must be worth a fortune. oh, yes. money means nothing to major nelson.
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it is no copy. a real renoir? in cocoa beach? of course. uh, be careful of major nelson's genuine ming vase. ming vase? i told you major nelson has wonderful taste. cash? [giggles] that safe is full of cash. full of cash? mm-hm. it's like a museum. do you take care of this house yourself?
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[???] uh, no, thank you. the others are off today. no, thank you. good morning. oh, good morning, master. you have a visitor. major nelson. huh? i'm harry huggins. department of internal revenue. [???]
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you didn't read your car insurance policy. you just stuck it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it. until a dump truck hit your pickup truck and now you need a tow truck. the cost of a tow truck? who knows? you didn't read it. you can't even find it. the liberty mutual app with coverage compass? makes it easy to know what you're covered for and what you're not. call liberty mutual for a free quote today at coverage compass? gives you the policy information you need at a glance. available 24/7 on your mobile device.
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call that's liberty stands with you?.
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[???] d-did you say the department of internal revenue? yes. i have a refund here for you on your last year's income tax. seventeen dollars and fifty cents. since i live in the neighborhood, i just thought i'd drop it by myself. well, thank you, mr. huggins. i'll just keep this until we finish the investigation. investigation? major, this house
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[chuckling] i'm sorry. i don't seem to understand. your housekeeper was kind enough to show me your treasures. oh, i see. what, uh--? what treasures were you kind enough to show mr. huggins? oh, you know, master, your, uh, louis xv, your renoir, your ming. [laughing] oh! oh, those treasures. tony: you sure you didn't forget anything? oh. is that a michelangelo? tony: i wouldn't be at all surprised. are you quite through? i have not had so much fun in a long time, master. would you like to see something else? no, i've, uh-- i've seen more than enough, thank you. i'll be back here in the morning with the assessor. mr. huggins, uh, all of this-- all of this is not what it seems. [laughing] oh, you're-- as soon as i tell you the truth,
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oh, i'm dying to hear all about it. well, jeannie does, uh, these-- we like to call 'em tricks. none of this is genuine. of course it is genuine. would you hold this a moment? yes. and stand right there. you see, the michelangelo and the renoir and the ming and whatever, well, they're all just-- just junk. [chuckles] well, i'd like to say, my guess is, this junk's gonna run somewhere between 20 to 30 years in prison. oh, 20 to 30 years. plain to the government why none of it appeared on your income tax, major. oh, and i wouldn't touch that safe if i were you. safe? the one full of cash. oh. i'll be back early in the morning with the assessor. we showed him, did we not, master? i think he was impressed.
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why, he did not like your house, master. and i did not want him to think you were poor. well, that's what i am, a poor master. no. yeah, i wake up in the morning and i-i come down to br-- and what do i-i--? a michelangelo. and a renoir? and a ming. you gotta get rid of this. oh, but i could not do that, master. why not? because i want you to have beautiful things. you never let me do anything for you. all the other genies give their masters treasures and palaces, i know, but if i ever need a treasure or a palace, believe me, you'll be the first one to know. well, now, get rid of this stuff. no. jeannie, i've gotta pay income taxes on this. but why? i gave them to you. well, that doesn't make any difference. i still have to pay taxes on it. you mean people cannot give you gifts? yeah, that's right. oh, you tell your government that is ridiculous. ridiculous!
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re-- they are you. [sighs] enjoy them. yeah, not-- i--i just-- i just can't afford it. jeannie? now, jeannie, you stop that. stop it this-- jeannie! come out of there. come on. now, listen here, young lady. i want all this stuff gone, you understand that? gone, when i get home. oh... he is so adorable when he is angry. [???] and a ming vase, and you're complaining? oh, how ungrateful can you get? hey, roger, i gotta get rid of that stuff. all right. all right. what are friends for? tell you what, i'll take the renoir, the michelangelo, and the ming vase. you'll only get in trouble. trouble? that's right. get in trouble. uh, tell you what. i'll take the renoir and the michelangelo. no. how 'bout just the renoir? no.
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that i got. roger, don't you understand? i am in trouble with the internal revenue department. there's a guy named huggins on my neck. he's bringing an assessor over tomorrow. what am i--? how am i gonna explain all that art? it's very simple. all you have to do is tell him that-- yeah, what? what? well, you could say that, uh-- yeah, you got problems. doesn't he always? what's your problem this time, major? nothing, sir. roger and i were talking about art. yeah. about art. tony is a real culture vulture. [chuckles] the simulator's ready for you, major. i'll be right along, sir. you gonna handle the ground controls? it's the least i can do for one of the great collectors. if you don't mind, major. yes, sir. you finish this, huh? huh? oh, yeah. here's your hat. roger? [inhaling & exhaling] well, you are in remarkably good health, major. you can get dressed now. oh, thanks, sir. [phone rings] oh, excuse me.
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huggins? [glass shatters] i don't know any huggins. oh, urgent, huh? oh, very well. i'm on my way to my office now. i'll see you later, major. yes, sir. uh, your shirt. shirt? uh-uh. oh, yes. i'm sorry. [knocking on door] oh, come in. dr. bellows? yes. harry huggins. mm. sit down, mr. huggins. department of internal revenue. uh, the department of--? now, if it's about that trip i took to jamaica last year, i can prove that it was government business. i'm not here to, uh, discuss you, doctor. but, uh, i'll certainly make a note of that. jamaica. no, i'm here because something peculiar's going on
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what has major nelson done now? i didn't mention his name. how do you know it was major nelson? do you see these reports? they're all on major nelson. oh? well, uh, what are they about? well, i wouldn't know where to begin. here's a report of a woman who swears she saw him flying over cocoa beach. well, he's a pilot, isn't he? what's so unusual about that? he had no plane. a gas station attendant saw major nelson's car go into a drive-in theater. well, that doesn't seem unusual. hm. no one was in the car. oh, here's one that will interest you. a witness saw it snow on major nelson's house, but only on his house, in the middle of july. [laughing] that was obviously some crackpot. it was reported by me, mr. huggins.
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i have a 117 of these. i'm afraid you'll have to wait in line. the government doesn't wait in line, doctor. i'm here to get the answers to some questions. well, i don't know whether i can answer them, mr. huggins. you see, uh, our files are confidential. i'm with the government, remember, doctor? now, that's a coincidence. so am i. and i'm wearing a uniform to prove it. how would you like to have your income tax audited for the last five years? how would you like to be drafted? let me put it another way. my branch of the government would appreciate cooperation from your branch of the government. what is it you want to know? would you say that major nelson is a rich man?
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a few weeks ago he had $3 million in his christmas club fund. his christmas club fund? when we went to track it down, it had vanished. well, i think i found it again. where? sorry, we can't give out that information. this is gonna mean a nice promotion for me. inspector huggins. we've been after nelson for a long time. after him? for what? can you keep it confidential? i mean, this is one branch of the government talking to [whispering] another branch of the government. go ahead. your major nelson is the head
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believe me, it's strange to hear myself saying this, but i am sure that major nelson is innocent. the curator of the palm beach museum is flying up in the morning. and, uh, what if major nelson removes the things tonight? he'd be a fool if he didn't. you mean you think he will? of course, doctor. he's in a panic. moment, the poor devil's out probably trying to round up a truck. then he's planning to drive to the house and load everything in the truck. and lose it somewhere. and, uh, what's to stop him? i am, dr. bellows. i am! mr. huggins, you may be an expert on financial matters,
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[???] [tires screeching] roger: have you driven a truck before? tony: huh? you sure you know what you're doing? believe me, roge, this is the only way out. hey... a real cellini. michelangelo. well, he could've copied cellini. yeah. look, let's get this out first, huh? all right. be careful. it's worth about $2 million. two million dollars? don't drop it. come on. come on. all right. wait a minute, wait a minute. whoa, wait a minute. i got the heavy end. i know that. come on, let's go.
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good grip on it. okay. i got it. i got it. put your end down a minute. hello. hello yourself. can we get this onto the truck? put your end down, roger. i can't let my end down. i-i just got a good grip on it. well, get a grip on yourself and just put it down. [grunting] oh, you sent for help. good idea. we can use you. roger-- we better get this stuff out of here before the internal revenue department catches us. this is-- give us a hand, we'll get this onto the truck. this is mr. huggins. nice to meet you. you want to--? of the department of internal revenue. i guess i'd better be running along. just a moment, major. just a moment. we'll consider you an accomplice after the fact. did you hear what he said? an accomplice after the-- this is a notice of distraint, major nelson. nothing is to be removed from these premises until my assessor gets here in the morning. good day, gentlemen.
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jeannie keeps doing these things to me because she loves me. yeah, she loves you. well, i guess this time you're really trapped. not necessarily. how you figure that? i'm gonna outsmart her. i'm gonna use my brain. yeah, well how you gonna do that? i'm gonna say, "jeannie, you--" hello, master. oh, hello, jeannie. do you like it? it is a rembrandt. oh, it's absolutely lovely. it's what i've always wanted. oh. my own rembrandt. you mean you are not going to ask me to return it? oh, lovely. it'll go well with my michelangelo, don't you think? are you--? are you out of your mind? you realize what's gonna happen when huggins finds that picture? well, don't worry about it. don't worry? don't worry. just for that i'm gonna ask for separate cells. jeannie, i'd like you to get ahold of all the old masters you can lay your hands on. oh, yes, master. oh, uh, wait, wait, wait. now, this is not the right surroundings for it. could you--?
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oh, yes, master. hey, i get it. you'll have your turn next. and while you're at it, you might as well blink all the statuary and the paintings and everything to the tangiers villa, hm? you are right, master. oh! what is it? jeannie, take this with-- oh, mr. huggins, i thought you'd gone. to tell the truth, i couldn't bear to tear myself away from these beautiful things. so i've decided to spend the night here with, uh, michelangelo. oh.
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[???] [doorbell rings] that must be professor preever, our little art expert. [door opens] come in, professor. ah. how do you do?
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[laughs] this is major nelson. how do you do, sir? major healey. professor preever. gentlemen. [doorbell rings] i'll get it. i'll get it. no, i'll get it. oh, you get it. huh? oh, dr. bellows. what are you doing here, sir? hello, major. i came to offer my services. oh, that's very kind of you. you're a lot of things, major. a lot of things. but you're not an international smuggler. [???] is a very exciting morning, professor. for instance, here we have a genuine ming vase. what would you say it was worth? [sniffs] about a dollar and a quarter. "made in...japan."
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they have the renoir. with a mustache? i used to have an aunt who looked like that. [roger laughing] at wasn't there yesterday. six fingers? of practical joke? you bring me all the way here and show me a collection of junk? i undetand. w 'bout the safe full of money?
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it's confederate. confederate? how--? how 'bout the gold? [sighs] hm. try one. chocolate. i'll send you my bill. s: major-- huggins: professor-- just a minute. bellows: i can't tell you what a pleasure it is to see you do it to someone else. about your trip to jamaica, dr. bellows, you did say it was strictly government business? now, why don't you level with me for the rest you should've told me that it would get you into trouble. i never would've done that. there were many ways
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our house. [???] master, i was not sure whether you preferred chicken or lamb or beef or veal or goose, so-- we have them-- we have them all. oh, yes, master. and a few little extra surprises. [giggles] i am ready. well, jeannie, i'm afraid i have a surprise for you too. i am so excited about our picnic. oh, master, you do not know the last picnic i went on was with omar khayy?m. oh, no, no kidding, really? mm-hm. oh, and believe me, master, that was no picnic. uh, jeannie, why don't we have our picnic he in the living room. uh, you could blink up a tent and-- but you said we would go to the beach. yes, yes, i know i did, jeannie, but something's come up. [thunder crashes] or, rather, something's coming down. it's raining. oh!
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don't worry, jeannie. first nice day i have off, we'll go on that picnic. do you promise? yeah, i promise. [giggles]
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[???] [both laughing] let us go, master. 'bout that? that is the most amazing thing i've ever seen. how do you change the weather like that? oh, it is simple. i think hot. you think hot. you-- [laughing] it would be great if we could control the weather. oh, well, that is easy, master, but would you not get tired of sunshine all the time? yeah, i suppose i would. it used to get pretty cold up in wisconsin where i was. oh, do you enjoy the cold weather? yeah, yeah. i must say, some of the happiest days of my life
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ngs] like that, master? huh? [chuckling] hey, that's wonderful, jeannie. that's, uh-- doctor bellows! hello, sir. major nelson. i don't know quite how to tell you this, but it's snowing on your house. oh, yes, i see. uh-- well, it's probably one of those freak summer storms we're having. i could make myself understand why it might snow in, uh, [laughing] yes, well, it's the high pressure-- but i can't make myself understand why it's only snowing on your house, major nelson. the sun is shining on the other houses. oh, yes, yes. [magic boings] well, now, it's, uh-- well, it's just stopped snowing, sir. uh, please come in. let me, uh... i'm, uh, dying to hear your explanation of this, major.
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t experiments. well, it's strange that i wasn't advised of it. well, i didn't know about it myself until a few minutes ago. please, sit down. that is, i didn't know it would work until a few minutes ago. it's a very simple procedure of, uh, seeding the silver iodide particles in a low pressure barometrics strata with inverse isobars. yes. um... i, um--i would like you to show this to general peterson. well, i'm afraid i can't, sir. and why not? well, it's not, uh, completed yet. you understand. understand? oh, major nelson, i haven't understood anything since you arrived at this base, but i will. i am dedicating myself to understanding you. uh, do you understand? [laughing] what'd you say? nothing. [laughing] major nelson. yes? if you think that this is any laughing matter, you're very much mistaken.
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[laughing] [???] i am not cracking up. i am not cracking up. hi. oh, hi, roge. hey, i hear you had a little, uh, snowstorm over your place this morning. oh, where'd you hear that--? that from? well, dr. bellows has been telling everybody on the base. why, he's carrying on like a madman. you better be careful. major healey is right, master. i would not want to see you in trouble. i'm not the one that's getting me into trouble. you're the one that's getting me into trouble, jeannie. but you asked for snow. no, no, i didn't. all i said was-- oh. [stammering] oh, hello, general. well, i guess i better be running along. stay right where you are, major healey. uh, can i talk to you for a minute, tony? oh, yes, of course. oh, i didn't realize you had company. neither did i. this is mr.-- [jeannie's voice] ali habeeb. uh, mr. habeeb is a-- a rug salesman. a weather expert. uh, he doesn't look it, but she, uh--
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mm, mostly toads. they're the best. when a toad croaks seven times in the swamp, when the moon is full, there is going to be a storm. can you make it rain or snow? rain, snow, thunder, you name it. uh, of course i cannot make it rain or snow. what do you think i am? a genie? [chuckling] [laughing] it's certainly nice seeing you, sir. i-i hope you'll drop-- right, thank you. thank you. you've been most kind. tony, do you have any way of changing the weather? i mean, can you make it snow? no, sir. i can't even make it smog. that's what i thought. doctor. i know when i've been snowed on, general, and i was snowed on this morning. and you did it. he snowed on me. admit it. if you say so, sir.
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did you hear that? yes, i heard it, and, doctor, i think you better come along with me and try not to excite yourself. i am not excited. i tell you, it was snowing. and it was only snowing on major nelson's house. all the other houses were bathed in sunshine. it was the strangest thing i've ever seen. all the houses bathed in sunshine and the snow falling on major nelson's... [???] [laughing] roge! roge! they gone yet? oh. [laughing] i tell you. you know, i'm gonna have to get rid of jeannie for a while, or i'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. why don't you ask her to go away for a while. i've tried. oh, i've tried. i've tried everything. i guess you're stuck then, huh? yeah, i guess so. i've tried everything except--
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wait a minute. i know exactly how i'll get her to leave. how? what does she love most in the world next to me? me. no, no, her family. are you ready for our picnic, master? huh? oh, in just a minute, jeannie. roger was just telling me about his family, weren't you, roge? aw. oh, yeah, family. about how your mother and your father and how you haven't seen 'em in a year and you miss them. and father in a year, and i miss 'em. well, i have not seen my mother and father in, oh, 1000, two... [chuckles] well, i would rather not say. it must be hard on 'em, jeannie, not seeing you. oh, yes. we've always been a very close family. oh, i would love to see them. oh, i get it. bet you're gonna trick her into--
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i'm sure they'd enjoy it. mm, so would i. and my little baby sister. your little baby sis-- no kidding. she must be grown by now. mm. i suppose so. master. would, uh...? would you mind...? if i went back for a visit with my family? you're still the old master. [laughs] oh, a--a week. a week? well, that's not very long. why don't you take two or maybe even three. oh, you are the most wonderful, marvelous master in the whole world! [knock on door] shh, look out. ahem. come in. uh, excuse me, major. sir. i'm sergeant ben roberts. can i talk to you a minute? oh, sure, sure. come on in. well, i gotta be running along anyway. mother and father, oh, clever, oh.
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at would be nice. uh, i'm afraid this might sound a little bit foolish, and i wouldn't even bother'd ya-- no, no, no, go ahead, tell me what's on your mind. well, i was in dr. bellows' office this morning, i heard him tell me that you could control the weather. sorry. uh, well, now, you oughta know that noby can control the weather. that's what i thought, and i'd of forgotten about it right then and there, except that, uh, he was so positive about it. yeah, well, i think maybe you-- you misunderstood him. ng else on your mind? oh, no, sir. i'm sorry again to bother you. but, major, i hope you'll excuse me. oh, yeah, that's all right. it was just the only way i could think of to save my brother. uh, to save your brother? well, yes, sir. uh, my brother and my sister-in-law, they got this here farm in four corners, alabama-- yeah? it ain't much, but it's all they got in the world. anyway, i got this letter from my brother--
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you see, there's been a terrible drought down there all year, not a drop of water. all his crops drying up and blowing away. so when i heard dr. bellows talk about you, i, uh... excuse me again for bothering you, sir. oh, that's all right, sergeant. oh, here, here. this is-- oh, i'm sorry. oh, that's too bad. well... he was such a nice man. oh, yes, yes, i know. and his brother is going to lose his farm if we do not do something. well, jeannie, there's not anything we can about it. there's nothing we can do without getting into an enormous amount of trouble. now, you just--you just go and visit your mother and father and be happy and have a wonderful time. hm? oh, i will. good. [magic boings] uh, what was--? what was that for?
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bye-bye. yeah--uh, jeannie.
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...about the flight-- i've never seen you happier. i've never been happier. you want some coffee? i'd love one. you haven't been this happy in a long time. i had a good night's sleep last night, roger. i woke up refreshed, relaxed. look at that hand, steady as a rock, huh? say, when's jeannie coming back--? sorry, i-- well, i-i don't know. i think she'll be back in a week or so. oh, you heard from her, huh? morning, major nelson! oh, hello, sergeant. morning, sir. uh-oh. hey, corn. oh, thank you. that's wild, where'd you get this? that's the finest corn in alabama, sir. thank you. uh, no, you hang onto that, sir. [laughing] yes, of course. well, who's this for? uh, it's for you, sir. for me? well, thank you very much. oh, don't thank me. it's from my brother. he and his family just wanted you to know how grateful they are. how grateful they are? what did you do?
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u don't have to pretend with me, sir. it started rainin' an hour after i talked to you. oh, that's what that blink was for. what blink? oh, nothing, it was just-- well, you saved four corners, sir. they're all beholden to you. well, you probably even be hearing from them. well, sergeant, really i had nothing to do with it. honestly, i-- oh, yes, sir. i understand. this is just between us. thanks again, major. what's this all about anyway? i knew i couldn't trust that girl. i knew it, i knew it, just as well as i am standing here. uh, his brother's farm is drying up and blowing away, and jeannie made it rain on it. well, that's great. she saved the poor guy's farm, didn't she? and you're not in any trouble. you're right. you're absolutely right. you know what that proves? what? it proves that jeannie can use her power and not get me into trouble. yes? excuse me, major nelson. i have a delivery for you. bring it in, men. [???] all right, what is it?
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sign here, major. yeah, thank you. thank you, sir. well, how 'bout this. it's very nice, i must say. [squealing] [doorbell rings] jeannie! jean--it's good to see you, dr. bellows. is it? yes. good evening, major healey. hello, dr. bellows. no, thank you. i can only stay a moment. forgive me for intruding like this. oh, it's perfectly all right, sir. what can i do for you? oh, you could do a lot for me, major. and one of these days you will.
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can't he, sir? [laughing] he thinks i'm out to get you, major nelson. oh. and are you, sir? no. i don't want to get you, i just want to understand you. some men dedicate their lives to science, some men dedicate their lives to politics. i am dedicating my life to understanding you. well, it is really very simple, sir. don't bother, major. you see, i've been making a mistake. i've never been able to pin you down, but in the future, i will. i will. well, that's all i came to say. excuse me. awfully friendly of you to do that, sir. i don't know how deeply you're involved in this, major healey, but i warn you: be careful. be very careful. good night, gentlemen. good night, sir. do me a favor, will you, tony?
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major nelson. huh, yes? uh, excuse me, major, but this is really urgent. what is it? it's about four corners, sir, or what's left of it. yes? now, i know i asked you to make it rain down there, and i certainly appreciate your help, but, major, this is--oh... well, my brother said the streets turned into rivers. his farm is three feet under water. the barn floated away this morning. the barn floated away? roberts: you gotta stop that rain, sir. m doing the best i can-- one of the tools i use is out of town at the moment, and-- we'll discuss this at a-- at a later date. just a moment, sergeant. we'll discuss it right now. it's really nothing that would interest you, sir. interest me? why, it fascinates me, major. uh, from what i just heard, i gather that sergeant roberts' brother has a farm.
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ed a flood, he's asked you to stop it. well, that's the gist-- would you say that was an accurate summation, sergeant? well, uh... yes, sir. i guess i would. well, that's fine. that's just what i wanted to hear. i'll see you in my office in 10 minutes. uh, yes, sir. do you remember i mentioned pinning you down, major? mm, well, um, that's what i had in mind. i'll see you in my office in 10 minutes. i am back, master. oh, yes, i see. did you think about me? you might say that. oh, i missed you, master. i missed you too. my father made you this camel pouch, and my mother baked you this cake, and my sister knitted you this sweater.
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, jeannie. you can thank them for me when you see them this afternoon. hm? this afternoon? oh, well, i am not going back. well, you might as well. now, i have a feeling i'm not gonna be around for the next couple of years. has something happened, master? jeannie, why didn't you stop the rain when you left? rain? oh, four corners. i left the water running. it's a lake. and general peterson's gonna blame me. oh, well, it is not your fault. i will tell him that he can-- yeah. oh, i'm sorry, master. is there anything i can do? it looks like dr. bellows has finally caught me, and this time, he's got--
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you're saying that tony nelson rained on a town called four corners? he not only rained on it, general, he flooded it out. doctor, i'm warning you, this is the last time-- general, i've got him right where i want him. they're meeting us in my office. [???] now, major nelson-- i'll handle this. ion that you can control the weather. can you? no, sir, i can't. uh, sergeant roberts-- i said i'd handle this. yes, general. sergeant roberts, do you have any proof that major nelson can make it rain or snow? well, i haven't any proof, no, sir. but it sure did come down cats and dogs down in alabama. and it was major nelson? doctor! that's all, sergeant. yes, sir.
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no, general. yes, you can. uh, make it snow. dr. bellows, honestly-- try. [???] snow. [laughing] thank you, tony. doctor. i'm sorry about all this, sir. i'm--i'm sure it was all a coincidence.
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oh, hello, sergeant. major nelson. yeah? my brother just phoned me and nobody understands it, but that lake that used to be his farm-- yes, what's the matter now?
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trout? and bass and catfish! it's a fisherman's paradise. well, my brother and all his friends is rentin' out cabins to tourists and gettin' rich. well, that's wonderful. i just wanted you to know, sir. sometimes, i sure like to hear how you do that, major. uh, wait right there, sir. i got a little surprise for you. okay. [giggling] oh. jeannie, that was a brilliant idea. ster, it makes me happy. why do we not go fishing there sometime? no, no, i'd rather not. but why? oh, well, frankly, i just don't care for fish much. oh. look out. oh. just a little token of my brother's appreciation. [???] bring it in, boys. got a whole truckload outside. now, wait a minute, wait a minute. uh, i-i-i...
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[laughing] oh. well, here i am. good. say, mr. douglas, i need your opinion. how do i look? well, uh... what difference does it make? it's dark outside. you look very nice, eb. where are you going? this is a very important night for me. i'm gonna ask darlene if she wants to plight in my troth. what? if she wants to get engaged to me. ( ribbit ribbit ) what's that? oh, that's my frog. he's my good luck charm. aren't ya?bit i can't rely solely on my sophistication and charm. that's right. say, mr. douglas, what do you say to a girl at a time like this? very simple. you st...


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