tv CBS This Morning CBS November 9, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EST
[ singing in spanish ] and we're gonna take one little bite. -- there you go! isn't that good? crunch. crunch, crunch, yeah! don't forget, honey. call me from the doctor's office the minute he finishes. oh, but, darling, she's only having a checkup, and we know she's in perfect health. be sure and ask him about the diaper rash. tabitha hasn't. and over-drooling. as i see it, she's been over-drooling. i'm surprised at you. and be sure to tell him that phil hooverback's little girl is potty-trained at 11 months. that's pretty precocious training. darling, you're so nervous, you're going to need a checkup more than tabitha. look at her. isn't she fine? isn't she beautiful? she is beautiful,
oh, thank you. and i still want you to call me the minute the doctor finishes his checkup. yes, sir. "bye, daddy." bye-bye, daddy. good girl. mr. stephens, please. hi, darrin, it's me. i promised i'd call as soon as dr. koblin finished tabitha's exam. well, he says she's -- oh, wait, wait, wait. mixed up with this miserable robbins campaign. okay. now, what did he say about her -- just a minute, sweetheart. dr. koblin? as one baby expert to another, please, do you mind? oh, why, certainly. [ chuckles ] here we go. darrin. i'm happy to report your daughter's perfect in every department. um, about this diaper rash -- yes. wonderful.
uh-huh. excellent. i have a feeling she's been over-drooling. oh, i checked that thoroughly. and the potty-training? a friend of ours -- [ ding! ] her little girl was potty-trained at 11 months. is that -- excellent. couldn't be better. that was my diagnosis exactly. i'm so happy to have your confirmation, dr. stephens. [ ding! ] that's right. darrin, she's a perfectly marvelous, sensational, absolutely wonderful, typical, average baby.
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get the pretty pony. oh, just wait until your father finds out. oh, what could be worse? my mother finding out -- that could be worse. [ ding! ] finding out what, dear? oh, mother, what a lovely surprise! oh, but right at tabitha's nap time. what a rotten shame. let's let her get to sleep. if she's going to sleep, she needs her bottle. [ ding! ] what is going on here? oh, n-n-nothing, mother. nothing at all. now, i didn't use my power to float that bottle to tabitha, and i know you promised darwin to restrain yourself. now, that leaves only tabitha. tabitha! is that what's going on here? oh, how utterly, utterly divine!
welcome to the fold! mother -- what? [ ding! ] uh, mother? what? maybe it's just a fluke. fluke? in our family? oh, don't be absurd. well -- darwin. that's what it is. ah, he doesn't know? you haven't told him yet? oh, how delicious. darling, let mother tell him for you. ng. no, mother, no. absolutely not. i want to prepare darrin to get him used to the idea. and when he is used to the idea, then i want to tell him myself. now, i mean it. until i do tell darrin otherwise, tabitha is just a typical, average baby, just like the doctor said. that's what the doctor said -- "your baby is perfect in every department --
really? it's not noticeable. but let me tell you what another man said -- our client, mr. robbins. he said this campaign is no good! "no good"? i've been working night and day for three solid weeks on this account. i haven't been home to dinner. i haven't seen my wife or daughter. that's why i want you to take the afternoon off. take the afternoon off? sure. go home, see your wife and daughter. rest, relax, get a new lease on life. in one afternoon? yeah, on account of robbins is coming to town tonight, and i'm bringing him over to your place for cocktails... so you can get a better feel of the kind of image his firm wants. i see. you want me to take the afternoon off to rest and relax, get to know my wife and daughter, get a new lease on life, so i can slave night and day for another three weeks or more. right? right.
out of a "perfect in every department" baby's father, well, that's okay with me. mother? yes, dear? larry's bringing a client over for cocktails. i've got to get some hors d'oeuvres. well, tabitha and i will be just fine alone, dear. well, you won't be alone for long, mother. darrin's going to be home early. and if he gets here before i get back, remember -- not one word about tabitha being a... ...um, uh, you know. the word's "witch," dear. hey. behave yourself. ah, tabitha, my dear, we're finally alone. let's have some fun, huh? now... pretty, pretty.
now, watch the little dish. [ ding! ] there. yes. oh. [ door closes ] honey, i'm home! [ ding! ] hi, endora. when did you swoop in? is that any way to greet your daughter's grandmama? oh, sorry. hi, granny. and how is daddy's little girl? out! out! did you hear she passed her pediatrician checkup with flying colors? she's quite a little girl, all right. where's samantha? she went to the store to get hors d'oeuvres or something equally foolish for your client. yes, he and larry are coming over this evening. she'd never have to do such menial things
[ ding! ] how dare you! how dare i what? what? what? how dare you what, what, what? how dare you -- how dare you perform feats of m-a-g-i-c in front of my daughter? [ scoffs ] i guess i lost my h-e-a-d. endora, this is a serious matter. these are tabitha's formative years, and i don't want her normal little psyche scarred with m-a-g-i-c. [ ding! ] when you're left to mind tabitha, don't put so many toys in her playpen. why, she loves a lot of toys. [ ding! ] i know what's best for my daughter. now, cut that out! i didn't do it! then explain how such a thing could happen. oh, you're getting much too clever. i can't fool you at all anymore, can i, dumbo? darrin!
but we both know what we are, don't we, tabitha? get the pony! [ tinkles ] that's a girl! [ laughs ] that's a girl. that's grandmama's little girl. purity, darrin -- i am looking for purity and something soft and something absolutely innocent. purity and innocence are fine, elp sell transmissions? i don't know. all i know is the robbins firm wants to change its image. we'll let our competitors shove transmissions down the buyers' throats. we don't find that palatable. mark, i'm sure darrin can come up with the campaign you want. sam, how's tabitha? oh, she's fine. i'd let you take a peek at her, but she's asleep. she's wide awake. i was just up there. you want to see her? larry: that sounds fine.
and i know mr. robbins isn't interested. that was before the doctor said she was absolutely perfect. darrin, he didn't mean that literally. no baby's absolutely perfect. argue with the doctor. he's the one who said it. let's go up there and put her through her tricks. tricks? but, uh, uh -- come on, honey. [ stammering ] look at that face. i've been told she looks like me. maybe not through the ears, strong resemblance. look at that face! don't you see? that's our new image -- softness, purity, absolute innocence. hey. i know what you mean. and don't forget beauty. yes. yes, indeed. right. and these are areas that have never been associated with truck transmissions. it's a very original idea.
, with a caption reading "a robbins transmission makes you feel... almost shiftless." i think we can iron out that slogan, mark. and i'll arrange an appointment for tabitha with the agency photographer. no, no, no. we don't want just any agency photographer. there's just one man who can do justice to that face. but i really don't think -- diego fenman? who else? can you get him? certainly! only about the greatest baby photographer in the world! sam, imagine tabitha being photographed by diego fenman! how about that! with a face like tabitha, we've got a winning campaign. you really think she's cute, don't you, mark? like he said, she's a doll. maybe she's got one of those faces that photograph fat or something. sam, i'd like to go through with this. fine! i'll call diego fenman
when you can use your witchcraft and when you can't. now, your wonderful daddy wants us to be just plain people, so you're gonna have to stop wiggling your fingers [ tinkles ] whenever you want any-- [ gasps ] tabitha! you twitched your nose! just like mommy! hi! so, you see, darrin, it's really nothing. all it amounts to is that tabitha is a witch. [ giggles ] [ sighs ] [ yawning ] oh. darrin? oh! tsk. darrin!
"dear sam, tabitha and i "have gone to the photographer's studio. "we wanted to let you sleep. "don't worry, everything will be fine. love, darrin." ooh, disaster time! photographer's studio. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] all right, gentlemen, i'm in the mood now. hi, darrin, larry, mr. robbins. tabitha's just about to go in front of the camera. oh, well, i'll go with her. she'll need her mommy. eh-eh-eh. diego fenman works alone. samantha, this is diego fenman, the master photographer. the michelangelo of the portrait world. an artist in the truest sense of the word. a rembrandt if ever -- oh, i'm glad to meet you, mr. fenman. wouldn't you like me to go in there with you? oh, no. an audience tends to freeze my creative flow.
darrin, do something. about what? sam, i assure you that diego fenman is an expert at handling children. oh, but tabitha's different. mrs. stephens, you'll be very pleased with the results. diego works magic with a camera. yes, but so does -- works magic with a camera, huh? [ chuckles ] that's nice. see that nice bearsy there? all right now, tabitha, you make cutesy for uncle diego. watch the pretty pony. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] uncle diego ought to lay off the funny water when he's got to work the next day. watch the pony! [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] i knew i had problems,
how long are they gonna be in there? honey, relax. diego's very thorough, mrs. stephens. why, the man's very nearly a genius. he just wants to get a perfect pose for the ad campaign. i'm sure tabitha's fine. all right, now. make cutesy -- cutesy for uncle diego. there we go. [ tinkles ] diego's going flipsy again. the whole brain is falling right out of the back of the head. i've got to peek. [ laughing ] honey, go ahead. anxious mothers. [ tinkles ]
moaning ] tabitha, come on. up. what happened? you wouldn't believe it. my analyst will not believe it, but i believe it. i've seen it! i saw it with my own eyes. diego, did you get any pictures? i got all kinds of pictures. i got floating-stuffed-octopus pictures and bouncy-rubber-ball pictures and -- she did it. she's the one who did it to me. put her away! that is one nutty baby! darrin: wait a minute! are you trying to blame this on my daughter -- a helpless one-year-old? you ought to be ashamed of yourself! i ought to be ashamed? she ought to be ashamed! you talk to her. you do something with her. i've tried everything -- my charm, my exuberant personality. i even used my pretty picture of a pretty pony.
a lot of pictures. i didn't think he had time. you should have heard larry and mark. this is the one we're going to use to launch the ad campaign. oh, darrin, isn't that cute? you can say what you want about diego fenman. he still is pretty close to being a genius. what do you mean? well, look at this. this is the most amazing trick photography i've ever seen. do you see any wires? no. no, i can't say that i do. anybody would think that that toy octopus was actually suspended in midair. hmm. certainly would. now, aren't you glad you let him take the pictures? you were just worrying for nothing. yes, darling. you have a beautiful, wonderful daughter... and i hope she grows up to be just like you. [ tinkles ]
-- captions by vita hey. pay attention. here, you want a little bite? want some? well, let me stir it for you. wait a minute. come on. you want a taste? taste. okay. there you go. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] no. no, sweetheart. mommy doesn't want you to do that, remember? mustn't twitch. hi. at least not until i've had a chance to tell daddy that you're a -- i-i-i mean, that you have the power to -- that you can do witchcraft. hi. and i'm going to tell him tonight, while we're celebrating our anniversary and he's in a good mood, just at the right time when the lights are low,
and there's a nearby exit. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] oh, no! oh, tabitha, please! sweetheart, baby, angel? listen, tab, stop fooling around. what was she doing? [ laughing ] honey, you're not trying to get her to use a fork, are you? don't you think you're pushing her a little too fast? uh, no, darling. as a matter of fact, i'm trying to slow her down. well, i know she's as smart... and as pretty... and as devastating as her mother. happy anniversary. happy anniversary. oh, darling. now, d-darrin, i love you. i love you very, very much. and nothing, absolutely nothing, can change my love.
aunt clara: whoo-hoo-ooo! samantha! coming, aunt clara. whoo-ooo! aunt cla-- aunt clara? whoo-ooo! whoo-ooo! aunt clara! by parachute? yes, i thought this time i'd drop in quietly. well, aunt clara, let's go up to the guest room. oh, i'm so pleased to sit with tabitha while you and darrin are celebrating. well, we're pleased to have you. i've got to do some shopping and meet darrin, but i'll be back before she wakes up.
[ banging ] oh, aunt clara. hmm. not only have you lost your old pizzazz, but you've thrown everything out of gear! [ clara moaning, weeping ] oh, dear. aunt clara? oh. aunt clara, what's the matter? oh, everything -- my magic. all the pots and pans, they start flying all over the place. oh, you poor dear. um, aunt clara, has, uh, tabitha been giving you any trouble? tabitha? oh, no. you sure about that? oh, i'm positive. no, it's me. perhaps you haven't noticed,
you have? yes, i have. now, don't tell darrin. oh, no. i wouldn't think of it. but when you can't seem to, um, zero in on anything, and your coordination is just about shot, well, you might as well face it. face what? face having a checkup. i'm sure that's all you need. you're just a little overtired, that's all. a little rest, and you'll be as good as new. yes, but you've been counting on me for your anniversary, and -- oh, no. no, no, aunt clara. you're my favorite aunt, and your health means more to me than anything. so, come on, get up. up, up. come on, come on. now, you just go home and take good care of yourself. hmm? well, i will. oh, good.
? oh, yes, of course. go on. go on. [ ding! ] is everything all right? well, aunt clara wasn't feeling too well, so i sent her home. i hope it's nothing serious. i don't think so, but just to be on the safe side. well, so much for our anniversary celebration. oh. i guess it is a little late to get a sitter. i could call mother. she'd love to come. never mind. well, why don't we just have the tates over here? good idea! larry loves to celebrate things. yeah, he celebrates any day of the week with a "y" in it. [ both chuckle ] and a little bubbly for louise. ah, here we go. here's to the stephenses. i'll buy that. hold it! the happiest couple on the face of the good old earth. larry, what about us?
a lovely wife, a beautiful baby, and a kind and understanding boss. why shouldn't they be happy? cheers! cheers. cheers. [ ding! ] mm-mmm. nice champagne, huh? mm-hmm. marvelous. wonderful, larry. great. larry, what are you doing? oh, i'm terribly sorry, sam! ought there was an ashtray there. oh, w-well, that's all right, larry. we were gonna throw that table out anyhow. [ chuckles ] that's very nice of you. here, i'll give you another. i'm so sorry. it's okay, louise. it could happen to anybody. don't worry about it, larry. i'm really terribly sorry, sam. care for some more, sam? hmm? oh, thank you, larry.
louise, here we go. darrin, pass me your glass. mm-hmm. aha! [ chuckles ] squeeze it, larry! squeeze it! well, one down, two to go. time to bring up the reserves. i'll get another bottle. i brought it, and i'll get it. [ tinkles ] [ banging, rattling ] [ laughing ] wow! larry, what happened? well, the cork blew out and knocked the pot off, and the pot knocked the empty bottle over, and, well, it could happen to anyone. sure, that makes a lot of sense. okay, you want another explanation?
. why don't you take the champagne into the living room? i'll drive. but, officer, i only had a couple of beers. larry's in a great mood tonight. [ ding! ] sam? how did that happen? uh, well -- could somebody be trying to spoil our anniversary, like your mother? oh, no. oh, no, darling. i don't think so. if mother wanted to spoil the party, it would be raining in the living room. well, aunt clara's spells haven't been working too well lately. she's rather worried about them. you mean, some of them might have a delayed reaction, like a time bomb? could be. oh, great. i hope nothing happens in front of the tates. me too. larry: come on, kiddies! get it while it's bubbly! come on, darling. everything will be all right. come on. all right.
up, and you know what i said? yes, you said -- please, louise. i said, "it's a birdie, it's plain, i'm superman!" uh, maybe you don't get it. you see, it's kind of funny because i said -- oh, we got it, larry. it just isn't worth repeating. excuse me! ut this evening, and i hereby invite both of you over to our 50th anniversary. why, thanks, darrin. that's very nice, but you'll have to clear it with louise. i have a feeling that we have something else on that night. let's drink to it anyway. [ sputtering ] e-excuse me. i'll be right back.
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i just didn't think it was possible. i mean, a whole year and not a sign. i mean, after a year, you get a feeling of a-a false sense of security. you feel that you're home free. daddy. you think it's awful. no, i don't think it's awful. it's not awful. it's just sort of -- well, i-it's surprising, astounding. shocking, is what it is. that's what it is. it's shocking! well, darrin, i don't blame you. i knew you'd feel this way. i told myself. i-i was prepared. oh, honey, wait a minute. oh, darrin, i'm sorry. i mean, i know how you feel about witchcraft, and, well, i was just waiting for the right time to tell you about tabitha, but i guess she decided to tell you for herself. my daughter's a witch. well -- hi.
it's all sort of involuntary. she wants something, and she gets it. she doesn't realize it's a special power. what are we gonna do? well, we'll just do what any parents of a child with a special ability or a talent would do. we'll just teach her how to use that talent wisely. how do we do that? oh, well, darrin, don't worry. can be witchcraft-trained. funny daddy. larry: hey, up there. remember us? tate's the name. uh, we'll be right down. sam, we got to get them out of here before -- before they see something happening and start asking questions. we sure do. now, tabitha, you lie down and go to sleep.
: problems? oh, no, nothing unusual for a baby of her...age. anything i can do to help? oh, no, thank you, louise. she just doesn't want to sleep. oh, let me try. i'll sing to her. uh, no, no! why not? it works like a charm. with her voice, the kids fall asleep in self-defense. it just might stimulate her too much, and she'd be up all night. so let's all sit down, relax, and make an evening of it. not for me, larry. but it's your anniversary, boy! i know, but, um... we have that conference tomorrow morning. hey, the conference -- that's right! we got to get up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed... the day after tomorrow because that's when the conference is. i thought it was tomorrow. that's what i like about this boy -- he's eager. now, drink up. that's an order.
ry. i think we better be going. must you? well, if you really have to. no, we don't have to, and we're not going to, so sit down, everybody. [ banging ] tabitha's developed into quite a musician, hasn't she? our jonathan went through that phase. can't you do something? yes, but it'll have to be -- anything. first, tabitha. mm-hmm. [ tinkles ] [ banging stops ] hey, she stopped. so she did. well, now that she's through making noise, [ ding! ] why don't we make some? happy thursday! [ laughs ] don't say it, louise. don't say it. i will, too. you're acting like a child, and you've had enough champagne.
ll get a towel. i will, too. no, now, larry, you just sit right back. don't worry. everything's going to be fine. i assure you i am in full possession of all my faculties! what are you going to do? well, with a little help from me and louise, larry's gonna be convinced he's had enough and it's time for beddy-bye. lovely. please, larry, take it easy. you can't possibly think i've had too much champagne. samantha, louise thinks i'm getting splashed. do you think i am? well, uh -- you're kidding! on four glasses of this stuff? you've had six, but who's counting? i have? w-well, even six glasses -- big deal! oh, well, don't worry, larry. we love to see you enjoying yourself.
darrin, back me up. larry, it's okay. like samantha says, we like to see you enjoying yourself. okay. i demand a sobriety test. [ chuckling ] larry, that won't be necessary. pick a straight line, anywhere, and i'll walk it for you. why don't you walk from where you spilled champagne to where you burned the table? thank you, darrin. you're a wonderful host. all right, i'll pick my own line. right over here. [ chuckles ] i'll walk from, uh, here... to the bar. okay. [ tinkles ] larry! larry! [ gasps ]
are darrin and sam still here? mm-hmm. would you say good night to them for me, please? yes, bubby. come on. up we go. good night, everyone. and happy anniversary. thank you, louise. come on. that's it. good night, larry. good night, louise. good night! phew! a couple more minutes of that, and larry would have taken the pledge. oh, darrin, maybe i was a little hard on him. by tomorrow he'll be telling the story, and he'll be the hero. you do all this research on a perfect car, then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should've done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claims centers are available to assist you 24/7. call
you know, trying them out? [ tinkles ] darrin: she sure seems just like any other baby. well, she is, except for -- you tell her. okay. tabitha, mustn't... mustn't... good. good. you really think so? well, of course. you told her. well, that didn't always work with her mother. oh. uh, uh... oh, darrin, do you mind awfully? well, i've been giving that a lot of thought. and? it's been wonderful living with one beautiful witch.
well, i'm sure glad i came during visiting hours. -- captions by vitac -- roger, will you get me out of here? how did you get there in the first place? how do you think i got here? jeannie? oh, brilliant. oh, marvelous. brilliant! boy, you must have really upset her. uh, well, what did you do? i didn't do anything. i just tried to get out of the house to keep a date. dressed like that? no wonder she locked you up. yeah. look, uh... i'm not doing anything tonight. why don't i, uh, make the date for you? thank you, this is one date i'm keeping myself. well, i just thought we'd play a little game of rummy, but the warden wouldn't like that. oh, yeah. hey, maybe i could smuggle a cake in here with a file in it, huh? hey, that's not a bad idea. would you like a cake? no. no, i want a hacksaw. see if you can find one for me, will you? i think there's one out in the garage.
ha-ha-ha. oh, god. good evening, major healey. oh, hey, jeannie. uh, i'll be right back. i'm going to get the hacksaw. roger! i think it would be best if major nelson spent the night here. he needs a good rest. well, i think that's for major nelson to decide. uh, i'll go and get the you-know-what. excuse me, jeannie. [laughs] jeannie!
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my family needs them." to learn more about guaranteed acceptance life insurance, contact massmutual today. there's no obligation. call this number. call now. is there anything you would like, master? yes. yes, i-i want you to get rid of this jealousy bit. i'm gonna cure you if it kills me. oh, i told you, master. i am not jealous. well, then, what am i doing in jail? what kind of a genie are you anyhow? you're supposed to-- to help me. you're supposed to make me happy. well, i try to make you happy, master. please believe me.
and rest. there. oh! good evening, doctor. good evening, major. it's a jail. yeah, i guess, but-- i know it looks like a-a jail. in the middle of your living room. hmm. major, tell me, uh, what are you doing in your pajamas in a jail i was working-- working on an experiment. this time, major, i'm not buying. no? you think i'm gonna rush back and tell general peterson that you're here in jail. and then he'll say to me, "doctor, you better be right this time, or i'll have you analyzed again." and then i'll say, "oh, no, general. i saw it with my own eyes."
any jail, and he'll have me analyzed again. is that what you think? well, uh, no-- you're wrong. do you know how many times i've been analyzed in the last six months? i'm seeing three different analysts, three times a week. hm. makes life rather difficult. i'm sorry about that, sir. it, uh, looks like a real jail. it, uh, feels like a real jail. well, if, uh... if you want a jail in your living room, good luck. good night, major. pleasant dreams. jeannie! jeannie! jeannie! good morning, master.
ll, master? no, i did not sleep well, jeannie. and do you know why i did not sleep well? it's because you made me break a date with a very old and trusted friend. now, how do you think he felt, me not showing up? oh, you do not have to pretend with me, master. i know you did not have a date with a man named charlie suzie. [laughs] [phone rings] [in deep voice] hello. major nelson's residence. who is calling, please? [in normal voice] charlie suzie? hello. hello, charlie? where was i last night? well, i-- i was tied up. yeah. i-i'm terribly sorry. you-- you waited for me for two hours? well, i-i'm terribly sorry, i just couldn't get shook loose. oh, master. it's easy enough for you to say, "oh, master."
hello. wh-what about tonight, charlie? yes, of course i'll be there. will i be there? oh, yes, yes. i'm so sorry. i did not... yes. right, i'll be there tonight. same time, same place. right, charlie. and i'm terribly sorry. right, okay. i do not know what to say. well, i guess you'll just have to learn to trust me. er. i thought you had a date with a beaut-- well, i will never, never doubt you again. well, we just have to live and learn. [???] hi, roge. "hi, roge." fine friend you are. what's the matter? where were you when i was hanging from the top of the
"what was i doing that for?" oh, jeannie. yeah, jeannie. sometimes i get the feeling she's not so crazy about me. oh, roge, she's just a little impulsive, that's all. a little impulsive? do you have any idea how windy it gets up there? i'll bet you are pretty sore at her yourself, keeping you locked up in jail like that all night long. i spent the night in jail because that's exactly where i wanted to be. oh, come on, who are you kidding? the master was outmaneuvered. she caught you sneaking on a date and she locked you up. there was a little maneuvering last night, e one who did it. what are you-- what are you talking about now? well, i didn't have a date last night. i just pretended to have a date. here, you want some coffee? well, why would you do that? so i could have a sergeant on the base here named charlie suzie call me up and complain about my breaking the date i didn't have. you lost me. roger, my real date is tonight with a girl named joan sheldon. i used to go with her in chicago. one sugar. one of the most beautiful girls i've ever seen in my life.
with her blessing. that's the sneakiest idea i've ever heard in my whole life. sometimes you have to be a little sneaky when you handle jeannie. ha-ha-ha! you should have seen her this morning. she couldn't do enough for me. i really got to hand it to you. uh-- look, you wouldn't like to make that a double date, would you? tonight? no. no. joan and i have a lot of time to catch up on. you want some more coffee? no. [clears throat] [???] tony. come in. joan. joan, has it been five years? uh-uh. six. six? well, you haven't changed a bit. and neither have you. ha-ha!
just fine. and i can see how you are. you're more beautiful than ever, joan. oh, sorry. oh, thank you. they're lovely. oh, i can't tell you how much i've missed you. well, i've missed you too. now, if you're ready, i have dinner reservations at mateo's, and then i thought we'd go to a new play that just opened, and then, perhaps, later to the blue dolphin for dancing. i thought it would be cozier to have dinner here. huh? i hate crowds. so do i. [chuckles] let me get into something comfortable. tony! tony!
good evening, major healey. oh, hi, jeannie. has tony left yet? oh, yes. he had a very important date with an old friend. oh, a date. mm-hm. mr. charlie suzie. oh, good old charlie suzie. ha-ha-ha-ha! oh, i hope major nelson has a wonderful time. he's probably gonna have the greatest time of his life. ha-ha-ha! ho-ho-ho! ho-ho! well, he's probably going to have a nice time. ge evening. guess i better be running along. ha-ha-ha! what are you doing? what--? what did you mean, "ho-ho, he-he," major healey? jeannie, get me out of here. not until you tell me what is happening to major nelson. oh, "happening to major nelson." nothing's happening to major nelson. look, i've got a meeting with dr. bellows and i'm late. well, i will let you go
i think he is now. well, i'm sure that mr. charlie suzie would not hurt him. yeah, charlie suzie wouldn't hurt him. c-c-can i go now? if he is with mr. charlie suzie. [gasps] i think i have been tricked. jeannie, don't do anything hasty. nice jeannie. jeannie. jeannie! jeannie! [classical music playing] there. isn't that better? oh! yes, it certainly is. it looks much more comfortable. here. to us. i'll drink to that. [coughs] i'm sorry.
that impression recently. if you'd only told me the truth i would not have done that. yet if i had told you the truth, you wouldn't have let me keep that date, would you? huh? and do you know why you wouldn't let me keep that date? oh, yes, master. because i love you very much and i'm very jealous of you. oh, jeannie, we've been through this a hundred times. would you please stop that? if you do not go away, i will do anything you want me to. . truly, i promise. if you wish to go back to see that girl tonight, i will not stop you. how could i ever face her again? you made a monkey out of her. oh, but i changed her back. oh, she will not remember anything that happened. you really wouldn't mind if i went back there? well, i-- i did not say that i would not mind. i said that i would not stop you. you promise? i promise.
yes. oh, well, thank you. you are welcome. tony. come in. joan. has it been five years? haven't changed a bit. and neither have you. how are you? i'm fine, joan, fine. and i can see how you are. why, you're more beautiful than ever. oh, sorry. oh, thank you. they're lovely. i can't tell you how much i've missed you, tony. joan, i've missed you. and i've been thinking... why don't we have dinner here instead of going out.
well, what do you know about that. i thought it would be cozier to have dinner here. do you mind? i hate crowds. i know. i mean, so do i. let me get into something comfortable. roger: tony! tony! jeannie! oh. oh, there you are. where's tony? major nelson has already left. well, you better get him back right away. look who he has a date with. jeannie: "mobster escapes. two gun richard sheldon breaks out of prison to kill wife." you mean she is the wife of a mobster? well, that is terrible! terrible? it's disastrous. what is a mobster? a mobster? a mobster is a crook, you know, like, "you dirty rat!" uh, he's the leader of a gang. you know, and if he catches tony with his wife, he'll kill him. [gasps] y-y-you've gotta stop him right away.
this is a matter of life or death. i'm sorry. major nelson made me promise never to interfere again. [laughs] we've been talking about me all this time now. you haven't said a word about yourself, joan. well, there's not that much to tell. after you dropped out of my life, i went to detroit and-- and got a job in a nightclub. funny. more champagne? no, no, not right now. tony, i wonder if i could ask a little favor of you? sure. i'm holding something for a friend of mine and it makes me a little nervous keeping it in the hotel. why don't you have the hotel put it in their vault? i don't trust vaults.
oh. what--? what do you want me to do with it? just keep it, honey. just keep it. [phone rings] n' [whistles] you're taking an awful chance, two gun. there's fuzz all over the place. they can have me after i fix her. is this it? yeah. there's a guy in there with her. who is he? i don't know. well, i'll take care of the both of them.
be ready to move fast. didn'txpect to see me, did you? jeannie, i k nei ust you. i-- what are you do--? what are you doing here? i'm here to fix you for being with joan. ah, well, i'm warning you for the last time. go home. go home? if you blink out now, i may, i just may forgive you. blink out. do you know who i am? shh. of course i know who you are. that's why i want you out of here. now, go home and i don't want you to come back. you know, you've got a lot of nerve coming here. i ve a good mind to put you over my knee and give you a good, solid spanking.
professional killer. he'll chop tony into little pieces. i cannot go. i promised. besides, major nelson is a very brave man. he can take care of himself. yeah, that's right. he can take care of himself. he does not really need me. no. he-- do you believe that? no. neither do i. oh. i want you to go home and write, "i will never be jealous again," one thousand times. all right, smart mouth. nobody talks to two gun that way. now, you put that silly toy away before i bend you over my knee. and the next time you pretend to be a gangster, at least try to look like one. it's certainly a pleasure to meet you, mr. two gun. it'll be your last pleasure.
re married. joan: tony! yeah? tony, you've got to get out of here before my husband... richard. this is your wife? well, i must say, you certainly picked a charming girl. congratulations to you both. good evening now. i've got some-- you ain't going nowhere. don't kill h. why-- why would you want to kill me? i'm an oldriofhe fa. s dough? knowhat you're talking about. don't give me that, baby. you took it. now, jusa me that's a terrible accusation to make against your own wife. you're in this together. i want that money. give it to me and i won't kill you. tony: i'd love to give it to you. i can't it to you. n't ve it. e. a brown package. well, i don't knownything about a brown package. that's it. all right. now, which one of you wants it first? wait a minute. y-you said if we gave you the money
i've got a short memory. pleasant dreams, sweetheart. [sirens wailing] two gun! cops. all around the place. what are we gonna do? two gun: fight it out. [gunshots] they got machine guns. machine guns? i surrender. here. all right. all right, gentlemen, shall we go? ed e. i'll just wait here. rry. we're all going down he staon. would you mind getting over there with them? i'm sorry about our engagement tonight, i just remembered i have a dinner engagement in an hour at-- at the golden slipper. all right, gentlemen, let's go. come on, come on, come on. you too. come on, come on, come on, come on.
are you enjoying this, mm. it's a nice, quiet game, jeannie. master? [giggles] i was afraid that it might be too quiet for you. [chuckles] after all the excitement the other night, i could take about a year of this. oh, i am glad. you know, that phone hasn't rung once in the last three days. oh, has it not? oh, hello, operator? no, nothing. i just wanted to check the line and see if it was all right. yeah, thanks. well, it's been so quiet around here, if that phone rang, i'd be very much surprised. so would i, master.
[laughs] oh, master, you let me win that one. [? i wish major healey would return right this minute so i can find out when my birthday is. but he will not be back until next week, so i suppose i shall just have to wait until then. [chortles] florida tech just scored a touchdown. master, it is such a beautiful day out. let us go for a drive. hey! they just got the conversion. how 'bout that, 14 to 13. sensational game. wow! oh. well, what'd you do that for? master, is football more important to you than i am? oh, of course not, jeannie. i mean, how can i compare you to football? it's like trying to compare lemons and oranges. and i am the lemon.
aren't you interested in football? oh, i am interested in you. master! hm? let us go on a beach picnic. i will prepare a banquet for you. all of your favorite dishes. yeah, well, tonight there's a football game on television i'd very much like to see. i'll tell you what. after the football season, i'll take you for that picnic. you will not. why not? because then baseball season starts. yeah. oh, well. perhaps i should find a master who appreciates me more. [chuckling] oh, you couldn't. oh, yes, i could. in fact, i think i have met him already. oh, good. mm. yes. i met him this morning when i went shopping at the, uh, supermarket. ah, good for you. he is very handsome. good for him. and tall and strong. mm-hm. yeah, wh-what's the name of this tall, strong stranger? his name? mm-hm.
ny millionaire. [laughs louder] come on, you gotta do better than that? you do not believe me? oh, jeannie, i-i-i-- i'm just not the jealous type, that's all. [chuckles] [rings] eh, i wonder who that could be? you'd think everybody else would be listening to the game. [clears throat] [laughs] hi. is jeannie here?
that was shoes. are you, uh, free tonight? oh, yes. i was planning on going on a beach picnic, but it has been called off. major nelson is very interested in football. oh? as a player or as a spectator? oh, uh, just as a spectator. that's nice. i was fullback at notre dame for two years. i left when i got a rhodes scholarship. i went to oxford. oh, is that not exciting? yes, exciting. oh, that would be lovely. tony: uh, she's not going. oh, but why not? well, because nice young ladies don't go out with men who pick them up in supermarkets. isn't jeannie over 21? [laughs] boy, is she over 21. ye-- well. you're not married or anything...? no, no. we're not married or anything. major nelson is just like an uncle to me. well,
well, good night, uncle. is he not everything i said he was, master? and less. you're not going out with him. oh, but why not? because he's-- because he's got shifty eyes, and he's a hand-kisser. how did he find you anyway? oh, i gave him my address. you what? enjoy your football game, master. i am so pleased that you are not the jealous type. hm, i think that i am in love. operator, i've gotta talk to major healey as soon as possible. yes, yes, as soon as you get him on the line, you call me back. thank you, thank you. ah, good morning, major nelson. oh, good morning, sir. oh, uh, am i disturbing you? no, no.
ver could understand these mathematical formulas. may i? oh, sure. thank you. at a temperature of 200 degrees fahrenheit, the inverse ratio proportion will be equal to 20 genies. twenty genies? uh, y-yes, that's s-slang for "gallons." oh... i never heard of that before. [phone rings] hello. oh, oh, yes, yes. uh, all right, put the call through. oh, uh, personal? it's, uh, long distance, sir. yes. my mother. oh, i understand, major. i'll see you later. thank you, sir. hi, buddy boy. buddy boy? his mother? am i glad i got a hold of you. roger: you just caught me in time. i'm just going on a field trip. hey, you know something? these eskimos really kiss with their noses.
ooh. listen, i met a girl. oh, did i meet a girl. you can't believe-- roger. oh, talk about cold noses, oh! roger, i need your help. need my help? is something wrong? yes. i think jeannie's fallen in love. with someone else? you're kidding. she's crazy about you. well, she used to be. but, well, you know how genies are. yeah, fickle. no, no, she's not fickle. it-- it's really not her fault. this guy's enough to turn any girl's head. e and athletic, and he seems to be reasonably intelligent. sounds like me. well, i think she's just infatuated with him right now, but if she sees any more of him, i could lose her. well, what are you gonna do? jeannie has a date with him. i've gotta get her to break it. that's where i need your help. well, tony, i'm stuck here till next week. all i need from you is some information, roge. you want me to tell you her birthday, huh? right. you know how anxious she is about it. i'm gonna tell her i have a big surprise for her. i'll take her out to dinner tonight and spring it on her.
ahh, you're still the same old master. ah-ha-ha. all right, what day was she born on? oh, this'll really kill you, tony. roger, just give me the date. remember i said the month was the title of a popular song? well, you know who wrote that song? just give me the date. okay. tony! yes, sir. engineering is asking for those new fuel ratios. haven't you finished yet? uh, no, sir. i was just talking to major healey. oh, let me say hello to him. major? general peterson here. oh, good morning, sir. laska? oh, a little nippy, sir. any physical reactions? oh, yes, sir, i have a-- i have this very, very sore nose, sir. i want all the tests finished by next sunday. report to me when you've returned to cape kennedy. yes, sir. yes, sir. oh, sir-- well, major healey's on his way. he's gonna take a five-day pack trip. i hope he doesn't fall in any glaciers. [chuckling] tony. yes, sir. bring me the formula as soon as it's ready.
jeannie. jeannie, i'm home. good evening, master. oh, hi. well, that's beautiful. thank you, master. i'll tell you what. i'll get changed, and we'll go out to dinner. oh, master, i would not want you to miss your ball game. there are some sandwiches for you in the kitchen. i have a date. say, uh... you really like this fellow, don't you? oh, yes, master. he's wonderful. oh, but do not worry. i will still be your genie. i am grateful to you for having let me out of my bottle. oh, well, i don't want you to be grateful to me. i thought you liked me, jeannie. oh, i do. well, do you like me better than him? oh, well, that is a difficult question to answer. it is like, uh...
[doorbell rings] oh, i am so excited. a-are you sure that i look all right? oh, yes, yes. just wonderful. do my hands feel nice and soft? they sure do. oh, i am using a very old perfume. does it smell nice? it smells beautiful. [doorbell rings] good evening. i am ready. oh, jeannie. you look like you're made of moonlight. oh, thank you. um-- hi, major. i want you to see that she gets home safely. in karate. oh, uh, master? yes? would you do me a favor, please? sure. let me know how the ball game comes out. it's 3:15 in the morning. oh, boy. she knows as much about men as-- [car door shuts]
master? are you awake? oh, oh, is that you, jeannie? oh, i am sorry to have awakened you, master. i thought you might've been waiting up for me. mm, no. no, why should i wait up for you? i've been asleep for hours. what time is it? 1:00. it's 3:17 in the morning! and what do you me by staying out half the night with a man you don't even know? oh, i feel as though i've known him all my life, master. yeah, y-you do, huh?
con artist. and he'snake y for everything. and he thinks that you're rich, do rea think so, st oh, i've seen it a thousand times. sa times. onhes on the inside, he's rotten to the core. rotten! i bet he didn't pay for nner. rit. not see pa rotten! yeah. yeah,n't pay see there! where'd you eat? on his yacht. on his yacht. it is 100 feet long. he owns diamond mines. see what he gave me. what is this? some kind of a sample? an engagement ring. yeah? good night, master. yacht.
would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. e's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world.
oh, good evening, master. hi, jeannie. your dinner is almost ready. oh, forget about dinner. i'm gonna take you out to a french restaurant tonight. i thought maybe we'd have a 15-course meal, and then i might take you dancing. then we could have a long ride along the beach. how--? how does that sound? oh, that sounds wonderful, master. good. but i am going out with my fianc? tonight. jeannie, you're not really serious about marrying this guy, are you? you could forbid it. you are still my master. well, i-i shouldn't have to forbid any-- , i thought that you and i had a-- oh, yes, master. are you in love? oh, yes, master. heels over head. [chuckles] what are you gonna do when he finds out you're a genie? he knows that i am a genie. he-- he knows you're a genie, and he still wants to marry you? of course. he says that if you are really in love with someone, it does not matter if they are rich or poor, or ugly or pretty, or a genie or a girl. do you agree with that, master? sure, yeah. yeah, sure.
rush into anything, you know. why don't you have a nice, long engageme-- we are going to be married saturday. satur-- this coming saturday? this saturday? he cannot wait to get married. is that not sweet? oh, yes. yeah, it's adorable. he wanted a big church wedding, but i would much rather be married right here. and you can give me away. you would not mind, would you? no, why should i mind? i mean, if this is what you want. oh, believe me, master. more than anything in the world i want to be married to the man i am in love with. thing else to say. will i ever see you again? oh, i hope so, but he-- he is so very jealous. i do not know if he will allow it. it's funny. i always thought that you and i-- you always thought that wh-what, master? nothing. no, nothing. oh. listen to your ball game, master.
tony! oh, yes, sir. well, is anything wrong? oh, no. no, why? you've been acting a little restless lately. oh, oh, i've never been so relaxed in my whole life. well, i'm glad to hear it. oh, did you send a memo to the ordinance department this morning? yes, sir, i did. they sent it back to me. "please modify the new blaster component to read: "one thousandth of an inch "instead of two thousandths of an inch, effective immediately." did you send that? yes, sir. a-anything wrong? it's signed, uh... "i love you." oh, i-i'll... rectify that. tony, if you're... having a problem with a girl, maybe i can give you a little advice. no, i may be a little too late for advice, sir. i think i've lost her. hm. do you love her? i'm crazy about her. have you told her that? well, i think she knows.
well, no, not exactly. son, when you're after an objective, the first rule in love or war is an all-out frontal attack. yeah? if you really want her, go get her. go get her? and don't write the ordinance department any more, uh... love letters. it doesn't look good. [tires screech] [car door shuts] whee! [sighs] oh. oh, there's the paper. hold me tighter. we're going to drive him crazy with jealousy.
[whistling] good evening. don't let me interrupt you. oh, i-i did not think you would be home so early, master. oh, don't mind me. carry on. carry on? well, i certainly hope you don't think jeannie and i have been, uh... you make a wonderful-looking couple. you couldn't have picked a better man. i could not have? [chuckles] oh, you're gonna be happy. happy. i can feel it in my bones. then you do not mind my getting married? mind? oh, i insist on it. oh, i love weddings. but y-you can still order me not to marry him. why would i want to do that? no, i-i'm looking forward to giving you away. i haven't got time to read. i got work to do. uh, why don't you two just take up
uh... oh, you're gonna be happy. [chuckles] did you hear that? yes. he does not care. well, i do. now, jeannie... i'm crazy about you. you got me into this. hm. oh. that poor kid. master. yes? could i speak with you? oh, and leave your fianc? downstairs alone? i-- i really don't think that'd be right, jeannie. oh, well, th-that is what i wanted to speak with you about. h-he is no longer my fianc?. oh. oh, that's a-- that's a shame. he seemed like such a nice chap. i thought you did not like him.
a fullback at, uh, notre dame, expert on karate... uh, he was almost superman. master, there is something i must confess. if you're gonna tell me that you conjured him up out of thin air, that he wasn't real, i already knew. you knew it? of course i did. now, who do you think you're dealing with? do you really think i'd fall for an old gag like that? you mean, you--? you--? you knew that i was trying to make you jealous, and you let me go on with it? e the part where he wanted a big wedding, and you wanted me to give you away. [chuckling] ooh! what would you've done if i let you go through with that wedding? you'd be very much up in the air, young lady. [growls] [moaning] get me down. come on! [laughs] tony: knock it off, will ya? [yelling]
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oh! we got a first down. announcer [over tv]: ball at the 33-yard line... [announcer speaking indistinctly] master, it is such a lovely day out. why do we not go for a long drive. a drive? you wanna go for a long drive now? jeannie, it's in the fourth quarter. the score is tied. this could easily be one of the greatest games ever played. [chortles] master, enjoy your ball game. i am going to go to the market to do some shopping for dinner. wait a minute, there's a pass coming up. this could be the whole game right here. where are you going? to the supermarket. supe-- i'm going with you. uh, just in case. ohh. but what about your game? well, uh, could you--? just until we come back?
good. good. ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ? ? the chores ?