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tv   CBS This Morning  CBS  November 11, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EST

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he wants to become a network executive. until next week, sir, nanu, nanu. -- capt samantha: darrin? yeah? a cab just drove up. it must be what's-his-name, the friend of your great-aunt letitia's from ireland. jerry o'toole? oh, no. what's the matter? this is one morning i can't afford to be late to the office. i'm gonna have to sneak out the back door. well, that's not being very hospitable. but look at the time! you can't say "hello" to an irishman in a minute. don't fret. i'll see him when i get home. oh, all right. he's not my great-aunt letitia's friend. i didn't even remember i had a great-aunt letitia until she wrote. i should think you'd be curious to meet someone from derrybrien. not a bit. [ irish accent ] oh!
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oh, it's a darling home you have. a darling home. thank you. so you're darrin. your great-aunt told me what a darling man you were.
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what? oh, yeah. she's got a great sense of humor. she's a darling. uh, how about a cup of tea? oh, no, no. i don't want you to go to any trouble on my account. oh, it's no trouble. i'll not be a burden to you. i want to be treated just like one of the family during my stay. oh, well, now, gerry, a cup of tea certainly isn't -- uh, how long are you going to be able to stay? well, just till i get started. started with what? well, the first thing i'd best be doing is finding myself a job. what sort of work do you do, gerry? well, if i do say so myself, i'm pretty good at weaving. maybe i can find you something in the garment industry. or you might even get a job as a model. a model! aw, sure and you're playing games with me, isn't he? not yet.
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that's the baby. the baby. well, ain't that darling? you don't like cats? that i don't -- the way they're always sneaking around and jumping at you when you least expect it. honey, while you're taking care of the baby, i'll show gerry to the guest room. oh, that's a marvelous idea. while darrin's taking care of the baby, i'll show you to the guest room. mmm, i must say, samantha, it was a wonderful dinner. thank you, gerry. honey, you can't fix that. the hole's this big. i can always make another sleeveless sweater out of it. it's too late. too late? i'm afraid i mended it before dinner. let me see, honey. why, that's about the best reweaving job i ever saw! yes, it's most unusual. oh, my!
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well, sure. come on, honey. no, you two darlings go ahead. well, i've heard of being handy with a needle, but this is ridiculous. and what's even more ridiculous is your gullibility, my dear. did you ever see a human who could do weaving like that? but mother, gerry's a friend of darrin's great-aunt. if she is, i'm his great uncle. you mean she's one of us? no. just think a minute. hates cats? [ gasps ] a wood nymph! and there's only one thing a wood nymph hates worse than a cat,
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a witch. a witch. well, i wonder what she wants. i don't know, but you'd better find out. [ gerry giggling ] and fast! bye! [ ding! ] oh, samantha, it's a lovely garden you have. well, thank you, gerry. oh, darling, i thought i heard the baby. would you mind taking a peek? sure. maybe gerry'd like to watch a little television. i have some other entertainment in mind. well, good! all right, you. what do you want here? why, whatever do you mean? you're a wood nymph, aren't you? [ sighs ] right you are. that i am. and i don't mind telling you, it's a great relief to be getting it off me chest. i mean, the burden that i been carryin'-- hold it! never mind the blarney. i want to know what you're doing here! oh. well, as you must know, it's the work of a wood nymph
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ll the true sons of the old sod, and me -- i've been taking care of darrin's family for centuries. she's as snug as a -- [ ding! ] sorry i had to put you in the deep freeze, darling, but we have to thrash this out. all right. now, i want the truth. [ tinkles ] [ cats yowling ] if you don't tell me why you're really here, i'll let them in. no, no. don't be doing that. will you tell me the truth? yes, yes! don't let them in! [ tinkles, yowling stops ] well? it's the curse of killcarney county that's brought me here. the curse of what? killcarney county. that was the manor house of darrin the bold.
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and he lived in the 15th century. well, what did darrin the bold do? he slew rufus the red, that's what he did. he was a darling man and a good friend -- the way he'd always leave little bits of food out on the doorstep so we'd never go hungry. and when darrin slew him, we put a curse on him and on all his descendants. so now you know. but that's not fair! my darrin didn't have anything to do with it. well, i know that, but a curse is a curse, and i shouldn't have to be tellin' the likes of you that. oh! mother! mother, you're going to have to do something! oh, samantha, please don't carry on so. it's embarrassing and human. now, actually, he just might survive this curse, you know? suppose he doesn't.
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ve that you're joking, but whether you are or not, i am not going to take this lying down. now, do you remember when all this happened? sure i do. it's burned in me memory. how about a temporary truce? well, i, uh -- you've waited 500 years. now, a few hours can't make any difference. i don't think -- [ imitates cat hissing ] all right, all right! mother? what? i'd like to speak to you in private... as soon as i get him back in circulation. [ tinkles ] ...bug in a rug. excuse me. oh, sure. would you like to watch television? there's a good movie on tonight. oh, what is it? "the cat and the canary." why don't we just sit down and have a little chat? well, that suits me. samantha, you can't be serious. oh, but, mother, it's the only way.
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no! oh, mother, please let's try "undo the deed." i wish you'd stop referring to it as if it were some sort of parlor game, instead of one of the most dangerous of all practices! if i can go back to the 15th century, i can stop darrin the bold from killing rufus the red, and the curse will be removed. you don't realize how risky it is. once you go back in time, you won't be able to use your witchcraft. i know. you'll have only your wits to rely on. well, i realize that it's a risk, i'll have to take. samantha... ...get ready for takeoff. to undo the deed that once was done, to now undo the deed that's done, into the past the days do run. we seek the day the deed was done!
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[ both laugh ] oh, you beautiful thing! oh, you're marvelous! young woman: sire! [ ding! ] [ laughter continues ] ah, this is good, but you're better. sire! oh, please, sire. i have to finish me work upstairs. not until you finish your work downstairs! [ clears throat ] well. [ irish accent ] your tankard of ale, sire. and what is your name, lass? samantha, sire. samantha! oh, that's a lovely name. it's lovely, lovely.
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tell me something, girl. aye? how is it that the likes of you has escaped me notice when there's a light about you that shines forth like a beacon at sea, and your hair all golden 'round your head? a noble lord waits without and would speak with you, sire. let him enter! enter! i am rufus the red. i am darrin the bold. i would set up me camp in your fields for the night. you may do so. you will provide grain for the horses and food for my men? if you pay. a guest does not pay. a guest is invited. i do not pay! i do not give! pay!
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you've got a great deal to learn about chivalry, sir. do you prefer to duel on foot or mounted? on foot -- that way you'll be closer to your grave. at my camp? within the hour. so be it. [ grunting ] [ chuckles ] rufus: who goes there? 'tis i. ah, you belong to darrin, do you not? i belong to no man.
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and what can i do for you, lass? would you put your wee boot on that, sire? height, 6'3". well, what are you doing? oh, don't pay any attention to me. waist, 36. now, place your arms so, sire. now breathe in. [ inhales deeply ] now out. [ exhales deeply ] first, what do you weigh? 13 stone 8, but -- oh, no doubt about it. i'm going to need a very sturdy cloth. what are you talking about, lass? well, would you believe it? the last few souls that challenged his master came right through the shrouds. shroud? you're measuring me for a shroud? ooh, there's not a thing to worry about, sire.
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and you work for darrin the bold? only for the master, sire. why, there aren't enough hours in the day or the night for me to make all the shrouds i have to make. he keeps you that busy? well, i'm not sure about that, sire. perhaps it would be fairer to say that the men who challenge the master keep me that busy. why, just last month, he... well, come in, lass, come in. please, sire, i've come to speak to you on a matter of grave importance.
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ow! somehow i'm gettin' the feeling that i don't appeal to you. oh, no, no, sire. i really like ye. it's just that...i'm shy. if you were any shier, i'd be bruised from head to toe. what is this matter of grave importance? i just happened to be walking by the camp of rufus the red, and i overheard some of his men talkin'. now, whatever you do, don't fight rufus on foot. he's killed over 100 men that way. bah, 100 men! 100 men, you say? aye. why do you think they call him "rufus the red"? not because of his hair? because of -- crrrrk! perhaps it would be wiser if i fought him mounted. it would be,
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d try some other way. what other way is there? well, how about a nice wrestling match? you seem to be very good at that. [ knock on door ] enter! oh, muldoon, it's not time for the duel yet. there's no rush. there's no duel, sire. there's not? why not? rufus the red has sent men to pay for the food and grain they need. you don't say. [ normal voice ] oh, that's terrific! [ irish accent ] i mean, the saints be praised. so the snivelin' coward backed out of the duel. yes, sire. [ door closes ]
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well, sire, maybe he heard what a brave fighter you are, and all the great battles you've won, and the fierce dragons that you've killed. aye, that would strike fear in -- what dragons? i never fought a dragon. you haven't? no. not that i can remember. oh, well, i wouldn't mention that to rufus. he somehow got the impression that you hold the world's record for dragon slewing -- uh, slaying. now, if you'll excuse me, sire, me work here is finished. oh, no, it's not. mother! [ ding! ] i knew the lass had spirit, but this is ridiculous! oh, darrin -- [ both shouting ] oh, are you all right? oh, me poor darlin'.
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oh, it's all my fault. oh, no, you tried to warn me. oh, look, gerry -- gerry, gerry, please! i think i better tell you something. i'm very much in love with my wife, and if you don't stop chasing me around, i'll be on crutches by the time samantha gets back. well, well. when the cat's away, the mouse will play, won't she? or try to. well, i-i-i -- i was just trying to give a bit of comfort to the poor man. sure you were. well, gerry, me darling, you'll be happy to know that you can leave now. i've undone the killing of rufus the red, and the curse on darrin stephens has been lifted. i don't believe you. well, go home. you'll find out. i'm not budging till i have positive proof. how else can i prove it? that'll not be a problem of mine. well, if you won't go back,
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endora: yes, dear? she wants positive proof. you shall have it. [ thunder crashes ] rufus, me darling! gerry, my love! [ both laugh ] oh, samantha, i want you to meet a darling man, the love of my life, rufus the red. we've sort of met. darrin: is that you, samantha? oh, dear. uh, yes, darrin. don't tell me he's here. i'd hate to have to explain all this, so, if you don't mind... ah, not in the least. [ ding! ] ah! oh, it's happy indeed you've made me. come, darling. goodbye, samantha. [ ding! ]
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hi. hi! did you miss me? mmm, i sure did. with someone like gerry to keep you company? oh, come on. she's awful pretty. but, sam, she's too aggressive. she's gonna have trouble getting a man. oh, i don't think so. by the way, she told me to tell you goodbye. she left? how come? well, you might say she, um, got her old job back. good. anyway, i'm glad to see you. darrin?
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no. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com teddy bear! oh, really, tabitha. mustn't twitch. you know, lately, you've been positively... mother? mother, have you been encouraging her again? i have told you especially where tabitha's concerned. now, that's final! [ ding! ] dear, i'm going to have to have a very serious talk with your grandmother. oh, come now, samantha. one more word about that dreadful lady, and i'll have to go. oh! uncle arthur! what are you doing in there? i've been framed! [ laughs ] [ ding! ]
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sammy, dear -- you just keep getting prettier and prettier. oh, where have you been? it's been much too long. it certainly has if you've started making speeches to yourself. who do we have to thank for that? the wicked witch of the west? now, uncle arthur, you stop that. i can see you haven't changed a bit. neither have your jokes. teddy bear.
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i've a good mind to pop you out right into the next century. endora! speak of the devil. you won't believe this, but we've been talking about you. you call yourself my brother? only when i'm forced to, endora. i deny it as much as possible. now, now, uncle arthur, mother, please. oh, it's too late. you've seen the last of me. i'm leaving, never to return again. see? that didn't take long. i'm only here to help. i haven't left yet. well, hurry it up, will you? we'd like to be alone. [ hisses ] [ ding! ] you made her awful mad, uncle arthur. no telling what she'll do. darrin: hi, honey! well, if it isn't my old yagazuzi nephew-in-law. [ laughs ]
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he just got here practically. didn't you, uncle arthur? as a matter of fact, mother was here, too, but i'm afraid they had words. "words"? there's the understatement of the century. the truth is, uncle arthur sent her away. he sent your mother away? yes. you see, mother was so angry that she left, swearing never to return again -- uncle arthur, uncle arthur, old pal, old buddy! hiya, fella. glad to see you. put her there. you know, your uncle arth--
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darrin, i know you have every right to complain -- i'm not complaining, i'm not -- yes, i am. he's been here what -- three days? talk about influencing the baby. and what he does to me! that i'm not too crazy about either! complain, darling. don't rave. i just don't happen to think that a hotfoot made with real lightning is funny! i don't know why. maybe i'm sick. i am sick -- sick of him. the more i see of uncle arthur, the lovelier your mother becomes. i'd take endora any day. the man has come to his senses at last. he finally appreciates the real me. mother, you're back! naturally. you didn't think i'd stay away and let that ridiculous excuse for a warlock exert his outrageous influence on my grandchild, did you? and i want to thank you for your compliment, darwin. darrin! that's right...
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look at him. he's practically cakewalking down the street. oh, he's such an exhibitionist! mother, what am i going to do? i don't want to hurt his feelings. i love him, but i can't let him take over tabitha. the chances of that happening have been eliminated. they have? how? your mother is here. need i say more? yeah, yeah -- much more! what does that mean? it means from this moment on, r tabitha, and protect her from that overanimated orangutan. what? i have decided to move into that house on the corner. what corner? that one -- the house on the corner across the street. there's no house on that corner. it's a vacant lot. it was a vacant lot.
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[ ding! ] endora. it has to be endora. who else? the madame lafarge of all time. i'll fix her wagon. you just can't zap up a house on a vacant lot. that lot belongs to somebody. somebody owns it. you can't build on it without a permit. haven't you ever heard of a permit? never. you have heard of city hall, the county assessors, the tax department! oh, samantha, he does get so tiresome. well, so do you, mother, when you won't listen to reason.
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endora. well, we certainly have missed you. long time, no see. and we thought you said you were leaving for good. any resemblance between george washington and myself is purely coincidental. rumor hath it you put that house on the corner. i put my house on the corner. mother intends to live there. over his dead body. wait a minute! stop helping me! going to zap yourself a roost around here as long as i can help it. that house goes. [ ding! ] arthur, don't annoy me. i have spoken. that house stays. now, mother. uncle arthur, please. you cannot put that house back there. what would the neighbors say? what would they think? i don't care what the neighbors think.
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don't worry, sammy. i won't let her be a nuisance to you and tabitha. anything mother hubbard can zap, i can zap better. [ ding! ] oh, m-mother, please! now wait a minute! i can handle this. mother knows best. [ ding! ] aah! little boy blue, if it's hostilities you want,
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all right, abner. now tell me i'm crazy. now tell me i'm making things up. there it is -- a full-grown house that grew up out of nowhere. see for yourself. gladys, how can i see for myself?
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for you. you're checking over the wrong person. gladys? gladys! gladys! take a couple of aspirins and lie down. i'll be right home. which will give you a fair idea of the kind of a nut i am. abner, don't you dare hang up on me... ever again. i've heard all i care to hear. well, you're gonna hear a lot more, dimples. dimples? tabitha is trying to take a nap, or doesn't anybody care? i care, and as far as i'm concerned, there's nothing more to be said. are you all right, sweetheart? oh, sure. other men have trouble with the finance company, the income tax department, but not me! i got it soft. so resign yourself, charlie charming.
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you have just moved out. [ ding! ] okay, who's fooling around? aah! it's back! the house is back! [ groans ] is it back? of course it's back. do you think you're playing with children? i sort of hate to do it, but, uh, i guess i'll have to paste her. uncle arthur, you wouldn't! leave him alone! i mean, stay out of it, dear. that's an excellent suggestion. don't you and darwin have something to do somewhere else in the house?
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i'll heat the hot water. great idea. just what we need -- more hot water. [ sighs ] thank goodness you've come. are you mrs. kravitz? that's right. i'm the one who called. this it? that's it. that's the missing house, only it came back. you noticed? i noticed. listen, noel -- the thing is, the house doesn't belong here in the first place. that's a vacant lot. oh, come on! it sure is, lady. i'll check inside with the lady. you call in and check out the address. okay, lady? oh, yes. actually, this is a very strange neighborhood. but i can't get anybody to believe it, not even my husband.
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or i'll evaporate you. how'd you like to be turned into a half-pint of sour cream? mother, uncle arthur? now listen to me, both of you. i have had it! i beg your pardon? i love you, mother, but... hear that? "but." i don't need any editorial comments from you, uncle arthur. anyway, you're next. now, mother, listen to me. i will not have my home turned into a reenactment of the civil war. did i make that plain? r "i don't want." i said, "i will not"! if you expect me to apologize for something your uncle arthur... i am not asking for an apology. i am demanding privacy. now, i'll admit i'm a little bit torn when we get into these witches'-world-versus- mortal-world battles. i can see both sides, and i try to take both sides. i try very hard to be fair. but sometimes you can try so hard to be fair that you end up being nothing!
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yes, of course. she gets it from me. i don't care where i get it. the point is, if you're going to fight, you're gonna have to fight someplace else. either that or stop fighting completely. really, samantha! just like that? yes. just like that. now, both of you -- kiss and make up. go on! kiss her! that desperate. i'm afraid they are. now, i am going to tell darrin that peace reigns supreme one way or the other. and when i come back here, i want evidence of it. [ exhales ] what did you say? what happened? what have you been doing? bluffing.
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lem is, if they don't buy it, i don't know how i'm gonna enforce it. frankly, i forget who started it. i remember... you did. no. no, if memory...serves me correctly, it began -- oh, arthur, forget it. it began the day you were born. up until then, i was an only child. endora, if it's any comfort to you, ve always thought of you as one. not only an only child, an only... everything. why, arthur. you like that? why, yes, i do. an only everything, which is probably why i tease you so unmercifully -- out of sheer jealousy. that's probably it. and for kicks.
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what you're leading up to in your usual inadequate way is to do what samantha asked -- try to get along. i know the thought is revolting, but... well, we could try, i suppose. we could start by only seeing each other when we are invisible. yes, that's a good idea. she's right, you know. we have been turning her home into a civil war. remember the civil war? [ laughs ] oh. i was with general lee. i was with general grant. he had more booze. invisible? invisible. and our separate ways? you go yours. i'll go mine. fine. first, we'll have to divvy up. which half of the world do you want?
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noel? hey, noel! noel: what is it, floyd? come on in. i'd just as soon you came outside, noel, if it's all the same to you. well, for what it's worth, it looks like they're gone. more important, it feels like they're gone. my bluff must have worked! [ chuckles ] how 'bout that? you know, sometimes i even surprise myself. any idea where they've gone? no, but the one thing i'm sure of is that wherever they did go, they didn't go together. forgive me, but they couldn't go away far enough
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as a matter of fact, i could do without a visit from any one of your relatives for, say, another 2,000 or 3,000 years. you know -- get them back! get them back! who? your mother, uncle arthur -- anybody! it's still there! the house is still there on the corner! oh, no! oh, yes! and look who's in front of it -- the police! well, some more of gladys kravitz's handiwork, no doubt. i'm telling you, noel, i checked with city hall. there isn't any house here. did you tell them there was? yep. what did they say? they like to argue. they say there's no permit, no registration, no nothing. they say if anybody did build a house here with no permit or registration, there's gonna be some trouble. come on. let's go inside. inside? why? so you can see what i saw. for a house that ain't here, it's got a lot of things going for it -- hot and cold running water,
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come on. sam, are you sure you can make the house disappear? oh, well, certainly. as long as mother and uncle arthur are out of the way, there shouldn't be any problem. wait a minute. what happens if you make the house disappear while the police and mrs. kravitz are inside? oh, they will, too. "they will, too," what? disappear. disappear where? don't answer that, okay? as soon as they come out... uh-huh? you know something, i just figured it out. i'm glad this house showed up out of nowhere. if it hadn't, i wouldn't have reported it, you wouldn't have come out and seen it, and nobody would have believed it. i've got a flash for you. i still don't believe it. don't argue. aah! oh, poor old mrs. kravitz. sometimes my heart just goes right out to her.
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[ ding! ] i knew it. i knew it. i knew when you said, "you go your way and i'll go mine," i knew you'd come sneaking back here. isn't that exactly what you had in mind? well, if you think i'm going to let you stay around here and have free reign, particularly with halloween coming up! especially with halloween coming up. you're out of your ever-loving nefarious mind.
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okay. i got the picture. [???] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com [yawns] oh, good morning, master. i am sorry. i must have overslept. good morning, jeannie. [gasps] you made breakfast all by yourself. ever of you. oh, help yourself. is there any mail for me? who would be writing to you? oh, omar khayy?m, julius caesar. oh. no, i'm sorry. it seems to be all for me. oh, here's a reminder about the television show tomorrow night. what show is that, master? oh, uh, once a year the american air force bases all over the world put on a talent show. they-- they pick a contestant from each base. oh, that sounds exciting.
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the show on telstar. they'll have, uh, someone broadcasting from alaska and hawaii and here at cape kennedy. the winner gets a trophy. oh, good. we will put it on the mantel. what are you going to do? i'm gonna sit in the audience to applaud. oh, but you must be in the contest. [chuckling] well, what would i do? well, does it matter? well, yeah, a little. well, you can do anything. uh, no, no, jeannie. you can do anything. and don't. oh, but the mantel needs a trophy. m not gonna be in that contest. i know you can sing. [chuckling] have you ever heard me sing? oh, yes. you have a beautiful voice. oh, come on, jeannie. sing something, master. oh, come on. no, no. oh, please, please. sing something from the opera we saw last night. what, rigoletto? mm-hm. really? uh-huh. okay, why not. [both chuckle] [clears throat] [warbles verdi's "la donna e mobile"] yeah, well, that's-- that's it.
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yeah? [giggles] sing something else. uh... please. all right, um, why don't i try a--? a light scale, hm? mm-hm. mm-hm. [in key] ? la, la, la ? ? la, laaa ? ? laaaa, laaaa, laaaaa ? [stammering] did you see that? saw it, but i don't believe it. [???]
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[???] [stammering] well, good morning, dr. bellows. major, uh, where did you learn to sing like that? oh, it's a-- it's a gift. oh, i've heard you sing before, anything like this. well, you know what they say. practice makes perfect. bellows: uh, major nelson. do you mind letting me hear that voice again? uh, i'd really rather not, sir. you see, the strain in the morning air-- just a few notes. tony: if you don't mind, i'd, uh-- why not. [crescendoing] ? la, la, la, la, la ?
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fantastic. yes, i think you might say that, sir. is there anything i can do for you? well, um, i had some forms for you to fill out, but, uh, with a voice like that, you mustn't waste your time. i'll see you later, major. [???] [snickers] ahhhhh ? [glass cracks] fantastic. [giggling] what am i doing? jeannie. [jeannie laughs] jeannie.
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yes, master. no. no, what? no, i'm not gonna be in that contest. oh, but you must. how will i look if some other genie's master wins? well, i doubt if that'll ever come up. now, just forget about the contest. if you say so, master. oh, no you don't. oh, no you don't. you're gonna blink that voice away, or i won't forgive you. i swear. but it is such a lovely voice-- ah, no, ah-ah, jeannie. no, i'm not kidding. but-- no. mm. very well, master. i promise that you will not sing like caruso again. wait. hm? ? goodbye ? all right. [sings notes off-key] and that makes you happier?
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usually, when you do these things, i get into a lot of trouble. luckily, this time there's-- there's been no trouble, and-- well, if you promise not to do it again, we'll just forget about the whole thing. yes, master. oh. oh, master. when will major healey return? uh, he oughta be back tomorrow. look at this. oh, good. then i will find out when my birthday is. yeah, i-- i've got to get back to the base. would you clean up all this glass and that stuff, huh? oh, certainly, master... [sighs] i'll see you later. mm. bye-bye. goodbye. [laughing] you entered me in what? peterson: i knew you'd be pleased, tony. oh, sir. i can't sing, general. i really-- i can't sing. i admire your modesty, major, but in this case, believe me, it's misplaced. you have a voice that even caruso would have been proud of. yeah, he was. well, i mean-- you're gonna have to find somebody else to represent cape kennedy, sir. well, i don't understand. i thought you'd be proud to be up there, giving your all. well, that's just it, it's not my all to give. major, you have the only voice i've ever heard that shatters glass.
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ering] it was an accident, sir. just an accident. uh, believe me, if i went out there, i'd be singing under false pretenses. why would you? well, i-- i don't have a trained voice, sir. i don't have any control over it. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. tony, i have my heart set on this trophy. now, you're gonna go in, and you're going to win, aren't ya? well, i-- [snaps] uh... the-- [sneezes] i've had this cold coming on. i feel it's gonna get worse. we can't let that happen, can we, doctor? oh, no. you go home and take care of it. oh, well, i-- i want you in good shape for tomorrow night. yes, sir, i'll-- i'll certainly try. i-- i-- it's all right, thank you. [tony sneezes] [hoarsely] "and so, my fellow members of congress, "i say that on this great and glorious fourth of july, "we should commemorate the magnificent pioneer spirits "of those who blazed the trail for us,
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master? hm? master, it is 3:00 in the morning. what are you doing? i-- i'm just reading a little. your voice sounds hoarse. does it? yeah, oh, no, i feel fine. you go to bed. you sure you feel all right? [chuckling] i never felt better in my life. [clears throat] "in 1776, when our brave forefathers took "this first magnificent step towards liberty "and went into battle, "it was because they heard the voices of the oppressed crying, [normal voice] 'help.'" [groans] help. help. help. [???] jeannie. [magic boings] good morning, master. [chuckling] oh, good morning. did you sleep well? no, as a matter of fact, i didn't. i didn't close my eyes once last night. spent the whole night coming to a decision.
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well, i decided that since i can't get out of the contest, i might as well go in and win it. [chuckling] that's nice. thank you, master. as a matter of fact, i kind of enjoyed singing like caruso. [snickers] did you? mm-hm. as a matter of fact, i think the trophy oughta go right here. oh, perhaps a nice vase would be better, master. when i have a trophy? [off-key] ? la, la, la, laaaaa ? ? laaaaaa ? oh, thank you. ahem. [clears throat] wouldn't they be surprised if i sang like that tonight, huh? [both chuckle] okay, go ahead. go ahead? yeah, you know, uh, blink in caruso. no. no, what? no, master? jeannie, i want to sing like caruso.
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who said i canst not? you did. oh, remember? you made me promise that you would never sing like caruso again, or you would never forgive me. don't listen to what i told you, listen to what i'm telling ya. oh, i knew you were yelling at me. yelling at you? this is a whisper compared to-- if you want me, i will be shopping-- shopping? jeannie-- in baghdad. don't do this to me. jeannie! now, come on! naaah! listen, you see-- ahh, ahh, ahh. [sings note off-key] jeannie. [off-key] ? naaaaaaa ? ? oooaahh ? ah! what is it--? oh, when'd you get back? couple of minutes ago. uh, what are you trying to do, anyway? i'm trying to break that. you can't break that? no. would you like some help? you think you could?
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forget it. hey, listen, uh, where's jeannie? i'd like to tell her about her birthday. she went shopping. shopping! yeah. hey, look, why don't we get dressed up tonight and have a celebration, huh? i'm sorry. i'm busy tonight. oh, doing what? i think you better sit down. i don't wanna sit down. i'm singing in the air force contest tonight. you're singing in the-- that's right. why don't i sit down? mm-hmm. you're sing--? you're singing in a contest with your voice? no, originally it was somebody else's voice. hard to believe, but yesterday i sang a lot like caruso. now or when he was living? oh, i'm serious. jeannie. jeannie? that's right. jeannie gave you caruso's voice? well, maybe she changed it back again. why don't you sing something. ahem. all right. [warbles verdi's "la donna e mobile"] [crying] i'm desperate, roger. if i don't sing tonight, general peterson and dr. bellows are gonna think i'm letting 'em down. and if you do sing, you'll by lynched. do you realize about 30 million people
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themselves to death. thanks. thanks, roge. i needed a friend like you to come back from the arctic and tell me really honest and straight. wait a minute, wait a minute, you don't have to sing tonight. oh, you don't have to sing. i just solved your whole problem. what? oh, catch cold. catch cold. catch cold. all you have to do is take off your clothes, stand in front of an open window with the fan on you, put your feet in a tub of ice water! i'm out of ice cubes. i already tried it. jeannie wouldn't let me. wait a minute. oh, are you lucky to have me for a friend. what? look at this. now, just read out loud at the top of your voice, and i guarantee you within one hour, your throat will be-- cut. you tried it? tony... you got a problem. yes.
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because one of the greatest minds of our time made her promise not to. well, what do you do now? i don't know. i don't know. do i--? do i throw myself on the mercy of general peterson, or do i jump in front of a truck? jump in front of a truck. peterson: seventy, 80, 90, 100. i feel guilty about this. i should really give you odds. [knock on door] come in. oh, i'm sorry-- oh, tony. come on in, tony. we were just talking about you. oh, uh, just talking about me, sir? this is general brill from edwards air force base. this is major nelson. oh, how do you do, sir? so this is "the golden thrush." "the golden thrush." peterson: yeah, i was telling him about you. as a matter of fact, i just bet $100 on it. a hundred dollars? well, $100 is nothing-- you're right. you want to make it 200? you're on. i was telling general brill he's in for a big surprise tonight. yes.
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shall we save our ammunition? i think we oughta save our ammunition. right. [phone rings] excuse me. yes. yeah. what? what! well, if you tell them, if they're not able to do the job properly, they're not fit to be officers representing this command! and i, personally, will see that they're transferred to duties elsewhere! ah, tony, my boy. that trophy's gonna look wonderful sitting up there on the mantel in the officers' club. nds. [laughs] [all laughing] yes. well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, please. off to rehearse? uh, no, sir, to find a truck. [both laugh] [toothbrush buzzing] [hums]
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[sighs] i wonder why they didn't ask me to sing in that contest tonight? i wish they had. oh, hi, uh, have you heard from jeannie yet? no, but i've heard from general peterson. roge, we're gonna have an accident tonight. hey, i think you've had an accident already. no, no. i mean, we're gonna fake an accident. we're gonna go up to the country club for dinner tonight, and on the way, we're gonna have a flat tire or, uh, bump a tree or-- oh, i get it. you don't have to show up at the broadcast, and nobody blames you. good thinking. that's right. there's only one thing. what? oh, gentlemen. oh, hi. i'm glad i caught you. caught us? caught us? uh, yes. have you made any plans for dinner this evening? well, yes, we're going out to the country club, sir. yeah, they have a lot of accidents on that road. oh, why don't we all have dinner together? the three of us? yes. uh, no, no. roge. uh, yes. then we can go back to your house with you while you change, and then we'll escort you to the studio. oh. we wouldn't want anything to happen to you tonight, would we, major nelson? bellows: shall we go? [???]
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now, major nelson, during the rehearsal, i want you to-- major nelson. yes-- yes, sir. hey, look at all this, anyway. i feel like i'm in show business. oh, uh, mr. hennessy. uh, just a moment. uh, this is major nelson. how do you do? and major healey. sir. uh, mr. hennessy will be your accompanist. i was getting worried. well, i'm sorry we're late. we had two flat tires and almost hit a tree. um, i'm afraid we aren't gonna have any time to rehearse, major. you probably don't have my music anyway. you told me he sang opera. well, i can play the arias from any opera ever written. wagner, verdi, bizet. what would you like to sing? do you know "melancholy baby"? "melancholy baby"? [laughs] good old tony, always kidding around. gentlemen, we only have a short amount of time. now, how 'bout doing "la donna ? mobile"
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f. hennessy: f. tony: or a c. f or c? g. uh, he has a fantastic range, mr. hennessy. i promise you, this will be an experience you'll never forget. well, come with me, major. yes. this is going to be an experience none of us will ever forget. what? oh, nothing, sir. excuse me. [accordion playing] major healey! oh! shh! oh, i am so happy to see you. really? gee, it's nice to know you been missed. well, i-- i have been dying to know when my birthday is. ye, i bet you have. sorry about the delay. well, it does not matter now. when is it, major healey? remember i told you the month was the title of a song? [applause over tv] you'll just love your birthday. uh-huh. it's on... and now, ladies and gentlemen, in just a moment, we'll switch you from hickam field in hawaii to cape kennedy in florida, and major anthony nelson.
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um, this is your music. yeah. and now, watch for the red light on that camera. and that's the stage manager. he'll give you your cue. ah, oh, listen, uh, believe me, i'm not ready. honestly, i'm not. oh, now, there's nothing to be nervous about. the microphone! oh. you know, this-- i hope i didn't break that. there's nothing to be nervous about. now, look, you have an eight bar introduction here. i will be playing on the piano. yeah. and when you come in there, you be sure you take that camera. yeah. and then-- oh! that's it-- that's-- that's all right. i have another copy. jeannie, you've got to do something. look at him. what can i do? well, give him back caruso's voice. i want to. but i promised him that i would not. tv announcer: and now, to cape kennedy and major anthony nelson.
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[whispering] excuse me, can i look at this? [hennessy starts piece over] x?x?x?xxxxx?x?x?xxxx?xx?x?x?x?xx [hennessy repeats the same bar] x?xx?x?x?x?x?xxx?xxxxx?x?xr ????2d you gotta help him. [hennessy starts piece over] h-how can i? i gave him my word. look at the poor devil. [whispering] excuse me. [hennessy starts piece over] oh, i can't watch. poor major nelson. how does he get himself into these things? major healey. yeah. i promised him that he would not sing like caruso again. i know. but i did not promise that he would not sing like anyone else! huh? [magic boings] [high female voice] ? la donna ? mobile ? ? qual piuma al vento ?
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he's singing soprano. ? e di pensiero ? [magic boings] [hennessy starts piece over] [deep male voice] ? la donna ? mobile ? ? qual piuma al vento ? ? muto d'accento ? i don't think that's right either. oh? ? e di pensiero ? [magic boings] [normal female voice] ? la donna ? mobile ? ? qual piuma al vento ? ? muto d'accento ? ? e di pensiero ? [magic boings] [betty boop's voice] ? e di pensiero ?
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[???] [all laughing] roger: that's the boop-oop-a-doop. that's the funniest thing i ever heard in my whole life! oh! i tell you, i almost died laughing. major healey, when is my birthday? and the thing that breaks me up is you won! [chuckling] yeah, i know. what did it say on the trophy? "for the most versatile voice of the century." and my birthday, huh? you sang notes that haven't even been invented before. but, uh, general peterson was very adamant. he wanted to keep it at the officers' club. that's all right. he may have it. major healey, please! when is my birthday? oh, your birthday, your birthday-- hey, when is her birthday? oh, listen. i've got a clue. only this time, we're gonna play a game. ah! we're gonna play charades-- no. no! no! now, the first word-- it's a long word-- april first! your birthday's april first! april first. oh, what a lovely birthday. oh, jeannie, these are sharp. i was only kidding.
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[inaudible dialogue] hi. marilyn? this is roger healey. heh. well, i, uh-- i-i met you at francis gordon's party last year. it's, uh... uh, no, no, no. i'm not the tall, blonde banker. no. no, i'm the short, cute, dark-haired astronaut. heh-heh. if you're not doing anything tonight, maybe the two of us could, uh... uh-huh. well, ma-ma-maybe next month, uh... it's a bad month for you. well, maybe some other month. [line goes dead] nice talking to you. general peterson asked me to give these to you, major healey. oh, thank you. oh, evelyn? yes.
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yes, major? tony and i are going on a double date tonight. and i thought if you weren't doing anything, maybe the two of us could, uh... i'm afraid my fianc? wouldn't like it. he's very jealous. jealous. fianc?. heh. i didn't know you were engaged. that's great, though. that's great. well, maybe, uh, some other time. i've got a lot of work to do anyway. oh, uh, evelyn? thinking, uh, you, uh-- you don't happen to have a roommate, do you? i live with my mother. well, if she's not doing anything tonight, uh... [chuckles] hi, roge. oh, hi, hi. uh-- how are you? fine. oh, thanks. a little coffee for you. thank you. you change your mind about tonight? uh, tonight? oh, tonight. oh. look, i told you, i'm not interested in dating.
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you're not dating anybody? am i? are you kidding me?! ha-ha. am i dating anybody? i'm dating dozens of girls. listen, they don't call me "casanova" healey for nothing, you know. no girl in particular, huh? well, they're all particular. that's why they go out with me. you know how i am. i play the field. they just have to line up and wait their turn. okay, we'll go out with eddie and jean-anne. yeah, nice couple. do that, that's really nice. oh, uh, tony. yeah. uh, i, uh... uh, tha-that's-- that's a pretty tie.
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[???] [clears throat]
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e, if you're gonna be here, be here, huh? thank you. jeannie, what are you doing here? i am worried about major healey, master. wh--uh, roger? why are you worried about him? is he going with us tonight? uh, no. no, he's not. i did not think so. and i think i know why. hm? oh, yeah, well, he told us why. he's, uh... he's gotta work tonight. i do not think that is the real reason. master. do not believe major healey can get a date. [laughs] what? old casanova healey? he can get all the dates he wants. oh, i do not think so. but would that not be a lovely idea? what? if major healey could get all the dates he wants. if all women found him irresistible. yeah. yeah, i suppose it would. [laughs] well...i shall go home now, master. i want to get dressed so that major healey and his date will think that i am beautiful.
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oh, i think so. no, i don't think so-- [rings] roger healey. mm-hm. sue who? sue? oh, yeah, w-w-we-- we were probably disconnected. go out to dinner with me tonight? yeah, but you said-- [phone rings] oh, wait. ca-can you hold on, sue? yeah. i've got someone on the other line. roger healey. look, can you hold on, sir? marilyn? oh, oh, oh, is-is the date still on? well, i-i-i thought you said you were busy. well, it's--it's nice of you to... break a date just for me. i-i'm flattered. yeah.
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hold on. don't go away. don't go away. [click] hello, sue? major healey? hold on. yes? what time did you say dinner was tonight? dinner tonight? w--what about your fianc?? what about him? [stammering] don't go away. hello. yeah. yeah, sue? g's come up. i'm afraid i can't make it tonight. and--and--and don't wait by the phone. i-i may not be able to get back to you. uh-huh. yeah. okay. goodbye. [laughs] bye! yes. okay. [click] don't go away. not a chance. uh, hello, marilyn? yeah. [laughs uncomfortably] marilyn, i-i-i'm afraid i'm not gonna get to you tonight. uh-huh. yeah. i-i'm awfully sorry. and, look, maybe i can get back to you in a couple weeks, huh? yeah. don't try... don't--wait--
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g. it's as though i've never really looked at you before. you're the most exciting man i have ever met. oh. well... let's not tell your fianc? about this. ha-ha. sh. till tonight. well, what time shall i pick you up? oh, don't bother. i'll meet you at your place. i'll be there at 7:00. if i can wait that long. whoo! ohh! i'm irresistible. oh! oh. eh, what have you done to roger? every girl in town is after him. [giggles] i have made him irresistible. [laughs] what? roger? believe me, master. no woman can keep from falling in love with him. i saw it done once in a play from aristophanes. oh, there was this man, and--
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would not come with us tonight was because he was ashamed. he could not get a date. oh. so you changed all that? yes, master. are you not pleased? you're right, jeannie, i'm not pleased. but, why? well, i don't know, really. it's-- i do know that if you did this to him... somehow, somewhere, it's got to lead to a disaster. oh, no, master. not this time. this time you will see you were wrong. i have made major healey the happiest man in the world. and--and no trouble will come from it. hey, where did we get this, by the way? hmm? nice, nice. if you look at the chart, you can see that after 10 minutes in the vacuum chamber, they, uh... well, the respiration rate starts to change.
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roat] excuse me, sir. [sighs] roger healey. [whispers] look, i told you not to call me at the office. look, i know it's hard to get along without me, but you'll just have to. no, no, no. i can't see you till next week. hold on. maybe-- maybe i can fit you in here. uh, how about, uh, saturday? saturday, early. okay. saturday. no, no, no, no, no, no. all right. okay? all right. bye, betty. heh. sorry, it's an old friend of mine. i understand. i wish i did. what? oh, nothing, sir. uh, what were you saying about these two charts? now, if we... yes? i didn't know you were busy. well, i'm busy. ha. will you be tied up long?
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call me later. i'll call you. i'll call you. please, don't forget. yeah, i won't forget. [kiss] major. when do you find time to work? well, sir, work is really all i'm interested in. now, uh... [phone ringing] we'll finish this in my office this afternoon. this afternoon. yes, sir. i'll see that the phones are shut off. roger healey. oh, hi. oh, yeah. oh, listen, a party on your father's yacht? the 19th? oh, i'm sorry, the 19th i'm booked up.
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how about the 27th? a party... okay. party at your father's yacht. the 27th. got it. bye-bye. [clears throat] sue, marilyn, alice, mary, gina, zeld-- zelda? see, zelda... [whistles] you don't have the same name down here twice. well, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of them. you know that i'm booked every day clear through november? it's the most fantastic thing that ever happened to me. oh, i-- i can't beli-- you know-- you know something? you may not believe this, but... i've always found you irresistible. come on, i mean it. i'm kind of a cross between, oh, sean connery, richard burton and rex harrison. [laughs] no, come on, now. i've--i've always known it, but it seems like, lately, every woman in the whole world has discovered it. yeah? well, i-i must say, you must be having a lot of fun. yeah, yeah. oh, i just-- i just hope i live long enough to enjoy it. [phone rings] yes? major healey's office. oh. just a moment, please. it's your mother. come on. ha-ha.
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hello, mother. now, you see, on this graph, the test that roger and i made show that the up curve on the respiration charts-- where is major healey? i asked him to be here. oh, he ought to be along shortly, sir. the last time i saw him, he was talking to his mother. yes, i've seen some of his mothers. they're beautiful. yes. hello, dear. oh. oh, i'm sorry, darling. am i interrupting something? oh, no, dear. we're almost finished. just came from the dullest ladies aid meeting. it is my last year as chairman, i promise you, alfred. yes, dear. oh, i'm sorry. this is major nelson. mrs. bellows. how do you do, major nelson? pleasure to meet you. major nelson. yes, my husband talks about you night and day. [sighs] sorry i'm late, sir. i got tied up. ah, yes. oh. oh, this is major healey. mrs. bellows. roger: mrs. bellows? i didn't know you were married, sir. how do you do, mrs. bellows. you have a fine husband.
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insist that you
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oh. beg your pardon. i want to talk to you. well, i'm rather busy right now. if you'd like to make an appointment, i'll-- i want to talk to you now, and you better listen good. look, uh, whoever you are, i'm not used-- just call me morgan, major healey. oh, i'm not major healey. you're not? no. uh, can you tell me where, uh, i might find him? oh, sure. he's, uh... he's right down the hall there. thank you. sorry-- sorry to bother you. yeah. bowling...2 to 4. okay. well, honey...i'm doing the best i can. i'm--i'm only one man. now, you know i do-- now, honey, i've said it before, i... of course i do.
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uh, i gotta talk-- now, will you--will you pull yourself together? well, what happened to the last autographed picture i gave you? roger, this is urgent. i gotta talk to you. you don't know what urgent is. i-i've got zelda on the phone. look. look, if i have a cancellation on the 7th, uh, i'll call you, okay? would you h-- would you just hang up? look, i've gotta hang up, dear. yeah. someone has to handle things around here. goodbye. uh, what is it? say hello to morgan. hello, morgan. you roger healey? ask anyone. just dropped by to congratulate you. oh, congratulate me? what for? on your wedding, sunday. i'm not getting married sunday. yes, you are. ah-hah. the boys and me are picking you up at your apartment at 10:00 sharp. be ready. i hate to be nosy, but, uh, wh-who is it i'm marrying? i ought to give it to you for that. well, if i offended you, heh-- forget i asked. evelyn and me was gonna be married. evelyn?
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what evelyn wants, she gets. sunday, 10:00. and if you're not there, you better be up in space, because that's the only place you're gonna be safe. you astronauts. [pats back] you're doing a great job. you think he meant it? yeah, i think we're doing a great job. oh, boy. i better find out if there's a space shot sunday. listen, are you really in love with this girl, evelyn? whatever her name is? of course i'm in love with evelyn. i'm in love with all of them: agnes, ann, georgia... you can't be in love with all of them. i don't know what it is. it's like turning a hungry kid loose in a candy store. look, i can't get married. there'll be a mass wave of suicides. oh, uh, excuse me. yes, sir. i wonder if i could speak to you a moment, major healey. oh, certainly, sir.
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r...but, um... well, if it's about, um, miss-- mrs. bellows, sir, why, i-- yes, it's about mrs. bellows. well, i can assure you, sir, there's-- oh, i'm not trying to pin the blame on anyone, major. as a psychiatrist, i realize how complex these things can be. well, sir, it's not just mrs. bellows. it seems that all the girls-- but, uh, because of my wife's infatuation, i find it, uh... awkward for both of us to be here on the same base. i agree with you, sir. it's... if one of us leaves. well, i'll miss you, sir. i'm sorry-- so, uh, i'm having you transferred to the aleutians. the aleutians? sir, i've been to the aleutians. i wouldn't send my worst enemy to the aleutians. i would. you can plan on leaving in the morning.
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i'm getting married sunday. jeannie? jeannie, i'd like to talk to you. oh. hello, master. you're home early. yes, yes. i have some news for you. oh. do you remember me telling you that, uh, somehow, somewhere, yes. and you were wrong, were you not, master? no, i were not. the "somehow" is the mafia, and the "somewhere" is the aleutians. i do not understand. oh. well, you see, uh, roger, on sunday, is going to have to marry this gangster's girlfriend. only he's not gonna be able to be there, because dr. bellows is sending him to the aleutian islands. well, that is terrible. mm-hm. how does major healey get himself into these things? jeannie, you've gotta help him.
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en there will be no reason for him to get married or be sent to the aleutians. no, you can't do that. mm-hm. no, you-- don't, really! why not? well, you can't destroy a man's ego. couldn't you just make it possible for him to be a little less lovable? oh. well, i-- i-- i do not know, master. it may be too late. huh? excuse me. now, where are you--? going. yeah-- oh. jeannie? goodbye, girls. [sighs] goodbye, office. roger. oh, roger, i just heard. oh, take it easy, mrs. bellows. we're on government property. can't bear the thought of your being sent away. i'll go to the aleutians with you. you wouldn't like it. there's igloos and polar bears. i love igloos and polar bears. oh! oh, mrs. bellows. you're--you're just gonna have to be brave. just gotta hold on.
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you are. yes, i was just telling mrs. bellows that she and the other girls are gonna have to do without me. and, uh, what do you say? what do i say? i say we've been getting along just fine without him all these years. i think we can continue to do so. you mean... you don't mind if major healey leaves? mind? couldn't care less whether he stays or goes. what about the igloos and the polar bears? oh, dear. maybe you should keep him here. keep him under observation. well, under the circumstances, major, i don't see there's any point in your going to the aleutians. we'll consider that order cancelled. [laughs] oh! thank you, sir. oh, thank you. i get chilblain. shall we go, dear? yes. goodbye, major.
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oh, um... yes? uh, don't count on me for dinner tonight. [laughing] oh! [claps] hello, girls. hello, girls. hello. ah! nancy, nancy, nancy. and zelda. oh! evelyn: oh, darling. oh. i heard you were leaving! oh, listen. don't panic, dear. don't panic. i'm not leaving! i'm staying. [groans] married? oh. me marry you? ha. you're joking. uh...i-i told you i was engaged.
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hi, mary. uh, you remember-- remember we had a date, uh, this coming june? i had a few cancellations, and i thought that you'd like-- [mary hangs up] hello. [jiggles cradle] [laughs] jeannie, you did the one single thing i asked you not to do. but the problem is solved. no, it's not. it's not solved at all. not to be loved? well, yes. but i fixed it-- poor roger must be shattered. oh, no, master. major healey feels very loved. how could he? there's not a girl in the world who would speak to him. well, i-- [frantic knocking at door] roger: tony! tony, open up! what's the matter? what's the matter? oh. oh, tony, help me. huh? why? what's the matter? they're after me! tony: jeannie, i thought you said you fixed that! oh, i did. i did, master. oh, don't open it up!
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[both laugh] oh. oh. okay. [speaks indistinctly] ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? adin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ? ? the chores ? ? the stores ?

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