tv North Carolina News at 600AM CBS November 14, 2016 6:00am-7:00am EST
hi, i'm home. he's your son! you go up there and talk to him! what? you're gonna get it now! your mother's home! don't make a face like that -- it might freeze that way! take that out of your mouth! you don't know where it's been! whatever happened to "hi, little pooter"? oh, sure, think of yourself, think of yourself. no one ever thinks about the poor little housemaker, except for richard simmons. [ as richard simmons ] thighs, thighs, go away. send them all to doris day! what are you so hysterical about?! [ normal voice ] hysterical? moi? your son is doing things that would embarrass the turkish police! now, you -- you go upstairs and beat some sense into him! mork, i can't come home every day and be the villain.
talk some sense into him. if he doesn't listen, i'll take him to a filling station and make him look at the men's room. if that doesn't work, we can always buy him a pony and own his soul for life. mork, there's the problem. you can't bounce from one extreme to the other. tell that to eldrich cleaver. look, we're both new at parenthood, but we can't fall apart every time he misbehaves. mork, the key to being a good parent is consistency. what i'm trying to say? no. let's go upstairs and act like two calm, responsible parents, okay? we can handle this -- [ bowling ball rolls, pins fall ] bowling?! i don't believe it! [ bowling ball rolls, pins fall ]
son? mommy! mommy, mommy, mommy, have i missed you! i missed you, too, sweetheart. that's nice of you to say that. your room is a mess! you want to tell me why you were bowling in the house? yes. it happened to be league night and all the lanes were spoken for. mr. smarty-pants, you have an answer for everything, don't you? ha ha! how about this one? is 186,000 miles per second, and the speed of a slug is one inch an hour, how long has robert conrad had that battery on his shoulder? what are you talking about? this is no time for brain teasers. go reason with your son. right, mind. consistency. i remember that. don't worry. i've seen "ordinary people" twice.
son? yeah...dad? how would you feel if you had your little friends over here and they saw this pigsty? you said something about having some friends over? didn't he? sure. how about even a sleepover? if you could prove to us that you're a responsible young man who takes a little pride in his possessions, then maybe we'll see. me too? no! mearth, you think about what we said. bye-bye, son. bye, dad. mork, you handled that like a real father. now, let's talk about the bathroom downstairs -- the pantyhose jungle... i'm just wondering. i've got to really clean this mess up so i can have some friends over.
zzzzzzzzz! morning, little pooter. sleep well? oh, yeah, till about 3:00... when you took all the covers. actually, i took 'em about 1:00, but you didn't notice. and your little bones shaking helped me fall asleep. thank you. come here, i'll keep you warm. thanks. [ knocking on door ] ? good morning, good morning ? ? how are we doing this morning? ? ? baby mearth, your model child, is here ? that's so nice. i haven't had breakfast in bed since i had my tonsils out. are you kidding?
you've just been a little angel these last few days. i've sure tried. i really have. i've had something in mind, too. i want you to have the breakfast right here on your lap. you put that right down there. am i out of line by any chance in thinking that perhaps a reward is due me? remember, mommy, for our little lecture ed up my room and i was good and served you breakfast and everything that you might let me have some friends over? ohhhh. sure, sweetheart, you can have some friends over. are you kidding? well, then, come on down, kids! mommy and daddy,
this is zelka, and this is ovits. nanu, nanu! nanu, nanu! boy, this is really razznick! this is earth, huh? and i thought pluto was tacky! those kids are amazing! we turn our backs for one second look on the bright side, mind. if we ever have a telethon, we're prepared. [ ring ] [ ring ] hello? hello? ciao? [ chuckles ] yes? yes, we have prince albert in a can, and we did let him out already! ha ha! they're not gonna get me twice in one day! [ explosion ]
sounded like a loud noise. are you kids okay? oh, they zapped george's head! what happened, mearth? they zapped his head off! where's his head now? somewhere over denver. ovits! ovits, you're mean, mean, mean! thank you, thank you, thank you! ovits, you are -- shut up, you wimp! i'm gonna give you -- okay, quit it! stop this! mearth! i thought orkans were supposed to be nonviolen mearth, ovits, i want you two to make up right now, or you're going to spend the day in the corner. ovits: i don't wanna! i don't wanna! i don't wan-- ovits! okay. okay. i am -- i am sorry i blew george's head off. i'm gonna tell you something -- not to you, mommy, ever -- but to you! you're hateful, mean, nasty...
well, that's good. now, shake. that's better. [ beam sounds ] oh, too bad. it's time to go home. there's the beam. goodbye, mr. and mrs. mcconnell. it has been a lovely visit. nanu, nanu! nanu! zelka, you missed the beam! no, i didn't. mearth asked me to sleep over. come on, mearth. i want to hear that new olivia newton-john record! "let's get physical"? yeah. it makes me crazy! zelka can't spend the night...can she? we gave our permission, min. remember -- consistency. come off it, min. they're innocent. they're just kids.
d thing is hard to get the hang of. i keep forgetting they're just babies. even though their bodies are anatomically correct. when you think about it, mearth's just into snakes and snails and puppy dog tails -- and miss january. cowabunga, buffalo bob! and look at that -- sitting on a tractor, too. mork, see what i mean? we never know what he's going to do next. so fast. but i'll tell you one thing -- when boys start reading magazines like these -- it's time for their father to sit down with them and have a little talk about the difference between boys and girls. we've already worked that out. i've told him that boys like to play sports, and girls like to wear makeup, and if you're alice cooper, you can do both. like i said, we need to have a little talk. after zelka leaves, the three of us are going to sit down
may i ask you something? am i out of line in asking you for a stethoscope? well, sweetheart, i don't have a stethoscope. ahh! guess i'll have to use my ear. my son, the doctor. mork, we're gonna have to keep our eyes on those kids. min, we can't go upstairs. we have to scrub up first. he might be in surgery. would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day.
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erness family. does anybody have a good story they'd like to tell? oh, mearth, i've got one. i was at the ork farm, milking a fring, and this traveling salesman came along and asked me if i wanted to see what was in his sample case. would anyone like a soft drink? no, thank you. so, i said no and he went away and i never saw him again. the end. that's great, zelka. that's more plot than kurt vonnegut ever uses. i think this is a perfect time for my raisin loaf story. not yet, min. you don't want to peak too soon. ar ar ar! it'll slay you! come on, now, kids. kids, i'll tell you what. how about this? let's pretend we're not even in the living room, but we'll use our imaginations
[ chanting ] larry, aquarius. [ chanting ] listen! look! animals everywhere! [ imitates elephant ] [ imitates chimpanzee ] [ imitates gorilla ] [ chanting ] now, come on! boy, if we can keep a couple of these things for the san diego zoo. come on. you'll be the great white hunter. er, the reasonable white hunter. i'll be your faithful gun bearer, beba. i will cut through the jungle for you. [ british accent ] ah, good. forget that. nnnnnyyaaa! nnnnnyyaaaaa! oh, careful of the little fellow. nnnnnyyaaa! nnnnnyyaaaaa! ah! you've done a magnificent job. what did -- i'm sorry, your name again. bebasay. [ laughing ] bebasay. yes.
do you have a gun of any kind? i don't want that machete. [ loudly ] whatever you want, boss! we got a telescopic sight, here! if they get in real close, we got a putter! and if they get real close, you won't see me around here! let's get on with the animals. look! one of 'em is charging now! he doesn't even have credit! there you go! shoot the sucker! shoot the sucker! get at it! get at it! get at it! the animal has obviously got a thorn in its paw. give it a chance. give me the small handgun. [ imitates gunshot ] [ snarls ] hold on to it! look at it! [ growls ] [ hisses ] sometimes if you mock them, they hate it. [ hisses ] [ snarls ] oh! that's just right for the living room. look, a snake! a snake coming, boss!
wait, i'll spin you out of it! bleaaaah! ahh! got me now! i've got you. whoa! there we are. all right. we must approach them gently. give me that bazooka. i'm not going to fool around. all right, boss! there it is! here's the shell. one is in. ready? yes. gee! where are the bloody aspirin? hurry up, boss! put a shell in it. i'll put another one in! [ imitates bazooka firing ] oh! oh! oh, boy, has that sucker got a kick! oooooh, you done it now! you killed marlin perkins! mor-ning! oh! yeah, min, isn't this the life? oh, yeah.
no kids! where's mearth and zelka? ? let's get physical, physical, physical ? ? let's get physical ? ?...your body talk ? min, he's your son. good luck. what were you kids doing up there? sleeping! we couldn't sleep in the living room because there was so much noise. mearth: she's right. mommy, even though you have a little bump of a nose, you snore loud. gee, mearth, thanks for not letting me sleep alone. maybe he's just being a good host, min. [ beam sounds ] oh, there's the beam, zelka. you have to go home now. gee, mr. and mrs. mcconnell, thank you for letting me stay over. you have a great son.
boy, am i going to miss you. ooh, am i going to miss you. i'll see you back in school and i'll get a chance to sleep over at your house. nanu! i got to tell you something, mommy and daddy. they got to really work the kinks out of that beam. i think we've postponed having our little talk long enough. you're right, min. i guess i'm in the batters box. come along, son. surely. oh. son? yes? good training on my part. son? [ clears throat ] basically, in this world, there are two types of people. let's just say male and female.
you learn that on the street. and these male and female -- they fall in love. they register at bloomingdale's, then they get married. and they try to marry off all their single friends. i like the raisin loaf story better. i think you left something out. oh, yeah, sometimes they don't register. they ask for the cash. [ mumbling ] i meant the part about how the babies get to be babies. [ mumbling ] oh, you think he's interested in that right now? [ voice cracking ] all right, um... [ clears throat ] you see, son -- eeeeeeeeeee. and this, no... um, son... well, the only way i can really do this is a mind probe. yeah, that's it. here we go, son. hold on. eeeeeeeee.
wait a minute, daddy. what's that got to do with me? well, sweetheart, zelka said you didn't sleep alone. did she say that? mm-hmm. she didn't sleep alone exactly. i gave her my teddy bear. she slept with teddy upstairs. as a matter of fact, i slept downstairs in your bed. you see? and, incidentally, about your story... now, it's time for me to go. sweetheart? if you didn't understand daddy's story, then why was that funny magazine in your pocket? remember? i remember. of course, i remember. as a matter of fact, that was in mr. bickley's garbage, and i was gonna make some paper airplanes out of it,
i need to practice. i'm playing in a celebrity tournament on the planet huka. what about my report, sir? you can give your report while we play. service. sir, this week my report is about parenthood. ha ha ha! again?! you know, mork, i could use a little variety. well, sir, how about a little topspin on this one? ah ha ha! lately, all you seem to talk about is raising your son. sir, it's a very tough job keeping the children of today from becoming the children of tomorrow. out. sir, i beg to differ with you. i think that was in. i said out. [ thunder crashes ] who am i to question one of your judgments?
only my husband would buy out the entire airport gift shop in his own hometown. will you take off the silly hat, please? you look like a character from "tumbleweeds." oh, i'm sorry, mind. i had to do something, though. i really miss our little bouncing baby man. i do, too. i'm gonna miss mearth, but it's good for him to be with dad in florida. just think -- they'll camp out, sleep under the stars, swat mosquitoes. yeah -- wait a minute... that's how "deliverance" started. it'll be a good experience for him. anyway, we could really use the time together. if you think about it, the baby was born as soon as we got married,
as just husband and wife. but i'm still gonna miss the little bugger-poo -- him sneaking around with his little polaroid trying to take pictures of us... in compromising positions. uh-huh. yeah, i'm gonna miss waking up to, "mommy, how come you look so different in the morning?" and when i go to the park, who's gonna push me on the swing? boy, listen to us. there's more to our marriage than just being parents. just think -- we can spend a whole week together, just the two of us. you got any ideas? there's an exciting new series on tv where the osmond family plays the donner party. to tell you the truth, i think we can do better than sitting around watching television. i really had something more exciting and exotic in mind. well, we could buy a parrot... then teach it to talk dirty.
i know we're a couple of vibrant young people that wear trendy clothes. the world belongs to us... and the opec nations. you smooth talker, you. [ giggling ] [ laughing lecherously ] [ telephone rings ] mork! the telephone! [ giggling ] shh! not right now! hello? yes, this is mindy. wait one second, please. mork, will you stop it? i'll be off in a minute. shh, shh, shh! hello? yes, i'm back. now? yeah, but what about -- yes, sir. okay, i'll be right over. bye. [ sighs ] oh, god. mork... this isn't the way i wanted to start our week, but i gotta go meet the camera crew. a used-car dealer has been kidnapped,
or cover the story. i understand, mind -- business before pleasure. but don't you worry. tonight when you come home, i'll give you magic. and if i can't get him, i'll get kareem. [ middle-eastern music playing ] [ singing in foreign language ] ? i remember you ? that was a little slim whitma-han. you're gonna love the next course. it's couscous and mahi-mahi. i got the recipe from lulu in walla walla. how she got the recipe, i'll never nalla nalla. there's no silverware. we're supposed to eat with our fingers? oh, yes, because, you see, all the silverware is used in morroco to tunnel out of prison.
and careful there -- don't dip in the food. you can dip, but don't dip. take a piece of this and take some of this and put some of that in there like this. and then you savor the taste. [ chuckles ] oooh. ugh! ugh! so hard to get fresh camel lips in boulder, mind. ohh. you know, mork, i have a confession to make. i was afraid that with mearth gone, oh, we'll have plenty of things to talk about, but after this. what? you'll see. [ belly-dancing music plays ] oh. who is that? oh, sorry. fatima, mindy -- mindy, fatima. i would have gotten the snake charmer, but his kid was having a bar mitzvah.
ink she wants to dance with you, mind. uh, well, you go ahead. my navel jewel is out being appraised. it won't be the same effect without a halter top. [ cooing ] [ imitating revving engine ] [ bell dings ] round two. you and fatima chat. maybe you can ask her where she got these wonderful clothes. you dance really well. you know, "casablanca" was my favorite film. specialty of the house -- the shish "ke-bob!" or in the very elegant restaurants, shish ke-robert. it's the beginning -- we must have some more spices. a little brandy. you can never have too much of this on there. wait a minute!
it's kind of academic because it is now. it looks kind of high. d-don't panic. i know how to deal with this. fire!! fire!! m-min... don't make a mess, hon. [ sighs ] [ sighs ] well, it's all right now. it's all right? how about the next time we do this, you schlep down to moroccan town going, [lisps] "you must buy this! you must buy this!"
i'm sorry i ruined our perfect evening, mind. i'm just tragedy's pawn. i feel like an outer-space eddie fisher. oh, mork, it was no tragedy. nobody was hurt. you call burning up lamb at $9 a pound no tragedy? believe me -- there are worse things in life. i'm glad you feel that way, mindy, because i think fatima danced out of here i love what you tried to do. but now, the fire's out and fatima's out and we're alone. you're right. we don't need external stimuli. we can make our own chemistry. we'll have our own 4th of july, without the vandalism.
there's something -- i was thinking -- oh, no. you go -- oh, you -- oh, no. go ahead. oh, no, you. i insist. all right, i'll go. there's something that's been bugging me ever since i landed on earth. what? you know that song, "this old man"? when he hits 12, what's he play knick-knack on? you actually wonder about things like that, don't you? boing, boing, boing.
[ whistling "this old man" ] catchy song, isn't it? oh...yeah. yeah. this is great! great? we haven't said a word. no, look -- i found a bicentennial quarter. that's wonderful, mind. mork, this is silly. i mean, look at us. we're as uncomfortable as a pair of teenagers on a blind date. we must have something to talk about.
i don't know -- anything. ask me how work was. all right. how was work? somebody parked in my parking place today. boy, that's life in the big city, huh? do you want me to ask you how your lunch was? no! you're not supposed to ask what to ask. we're having a conversation. oh, no, mind. besides, i don't know why i have to ask what i have to ask when i don't know what i want to ask when i want to ask it. i'm not getting defensive. you're out of line! mork, what's wrong with a husband and wife trying to have a conversation? i mean, look, our lives have been moving so fast. we haven't had a chance to talk about hardly anything. like what? well, like -- all right, for example, you've never said whether you like being married or not. i do. well, why?
well, give me one. well, all right. um...the bed's warmer. oh, that's it. if you wanted snappy repartee, you should have married william f. buckley. [ as buckley ] i find the institution of marriage quite appealing. i'm sorry, mork. i love you. well, why? okay. well... because you're warm... and sensitive... and unpredictable. and you're right -- the bed is warmer. now, don't you have something you'd like to say to me? yes. you have a big piece of couscous in your teeth. can't you be serious for a minute?! i just opened up to you. can't you tell me how you feel? you already know that. i'd like to hear it.
just give me a microbleem here. it's -- i mean -- shelf! shelf? ? this old man, he plays 12 ? ? he hits knick-knack on my shelf ? all right. that's it. i'm sorry i brought the whole thing up. who's not communicating now, ms. marshall mcluhan? what's the point in communicating with someone who's got nothing to say? maybe i'd have something to say if i wasn't being interrogated by the boulder gestapo. gestapo? i haven't even started yet. u've got a lot of nerve calling me names, space boy! [ as ralph kramden ] to the moon, alice! i've got something i'd like to say to you. [ speaking orkan ] you think -- [ doorknob rattling ] mork: oh, mind...
i've cooled off now, hon. i'm really cooled off now because i'm locked out. honey... little pootarama? [ chuckles ] fun's fun, hon. bed's not gonna be as warm. be careful. there you go. come on. one more. couple more steps. watch out. there you go. come on. it's all right. now take one step up. take a step up. there we go. one step up. boy, mind, when you open your eyes, you're not going to be mad at me anymore. yeah? we better be in paris. take one step forward, two steps to the left, and you're going to be at the greatest place on earth, next to burt reynolds' dinner theater in jupiter, florida. where are we?
oh...sorry. how about this for a blast from the past, huh? don't you know where we are? okay, imagine there are no walls here, the snow is melted, and there are a couple of beer cans over there shimmering in the full moon. mork, where are we? i'll give you another hint. sounds like -- the place we first met. here? no, no. here. there was a rock that said, "chi chi loves lumpy." oh, yeah! now i remember. you had your suit on backwards. i almost choked to death trying to tie the tie. i thought you were a priest. i was just glad that your mouth was on your face. oh, mind... i feel a sudden flood of emotions. i feel just like a salmon. oh... oh... [ whistling and cheering ] why don't you take a picture?
roofers. thanks for the sentimental journey, but let's go home. we can't leave. it's too important. we don't want to end up like the league of nations. you can't honestly believe that just by coming back to a place like this, it can change anything. yes, i do. [ sighs ] [ cheering and whistling ] knock it off, for cryin' out loud! let's show some decorum around here! [ groaning ] shut up! i'm sorry. i'm really sorry, folks. please. i apologize. try to excuse the fellas. it's just that they're not... romantics, like myself. just last week, i bought my wife a cappuccino machine. well, we didn't mean to barge in. in fact, we were just leaving. you're not the couple that's buying this place?
looky-loos, huh? actually, this is the place where we first met, when it was all still wilderness up here. really? we're just going to be on our way. no, you can't leave now and ruin this beautiful, warm moment. no, no, no. i won't hear of it. but we do have a little bit of an insurance problem here. hey, lou, give me a couple of hard hats down here. one for you, pal. here we go. [ spits ] one for the lady. mademoiselle, here you are. you look divine in green. come on, now. tell me. how did you two meet? oh, well, you know, typical stuff -- boy meets girl. you can tell me. we're like old friends now. it's dumb. it's not, mind. you see, she was out with this creep, and then he dumped her and he took off in her jeep. that's not true. i happened to dump him. he just took my jeep. that's the part where i came in.
40 feet over there. then i came out with my suit on backwards, and i said... [speaking orkan] and then i met her. then we started living together. then we recently got married, and a month ago, my son was just hatched. that's nothin'. you want to hear a real story? i just want to tell you how i first met mitzi. i was at petaluma for the arm-wrestling tournaments. i turn around one day, and there she was. mitzi -- like a vision, like a venus de milo in a harley-davidson t-shirt. and she pinned that other chick in five seconds flat -- broke her wrist. that's a beautiful story. it sure beats the sap out of mine. i got to get back to work.
enjoy yourself. i might just go two out of three with mitzi tonight. she'll let me win. she always does. she's crazy about me. well...who wouldn't be? how could you tell a total stranger where you're really from? loose-lips moi. i'm so muddled and confused. i feel like a vietnamese child adopted by a southern family. billy bob joe bing han wah. i just can't seem to make things get together for us. what am i doing wrong? i don't know. if i did, i'd tell you. you know how to do origami and you don't know how to do this? what makes it so hard? if you think about it, it was never easy. once, you shrunk to the size of a beer nut, i've been cloned, and on our wedding day, orson turned you into a dog.
before her sweet-16 party. if we can get through that, why can't we get through this? it seems like since we've gotten married, everything seems so much more important -- even our failures. we're not failing. i know what failure means. i tried to argue with the phone company about a bill once. have you ever been on hold for a day? well, i guess we can't expect to know all the answers. just because we're married, we think we're supposed to. when i thought we were going to be alone again, boy, did i panic. but at least you tried. i just pushed. i got so uncomfortable -- i kept trying to make you say things i wanted to hear, and that isn't us. but this is us, isn't it? oh, mork, we've got so much going for us. we don't need to have exotic dinners or pull crazy stunts to prove that we love each other.
well, we won't be needing these. oh, mork, i love you. oh, i love you, too, mind. and now i finally can say why -- [ loud drilling ] ...and you look great naked!! [ cheering and whistling ] thank you. oh, well, mind, relating has its place, but you know what's really nice? to sit here... hold hands... watch the sun set over the wet bar. man: come on. kiss her already! it's almost miller time. [ cheering and whistling ]
really? what? who? they didn't? they did? sam? the camdens had a fight, and he left the house? sam? when? last night. and he took all the wedding presents? sam! oh, um, hi, sweetheart. uh, breakfast will be ready in a minute. you said that 20 minutes ago. louise, i'll call you back. i can't talk now. honey, you know how i hate gossip. darrin, i wouldn't even listen to anything about anyone unless it was good. and, boy, was that good!