tv CBS This Morning CBS November 14, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EST
really? what? who? they didn't? they did? sam? the camdens had a fight, and he left the house? sam? when? last night. and he took all the wedding presents? sam! oh, um, hi, sweetheart. uh, breakfast will be ready in a minute. you said that 20 minutes ago. louise, i'll call you back. i can't talk now. honey, you know how i hate gossip. darrin, i wouldn't even listen to anything about anyone unless it was good. and, boy, was that good!
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gave me an idea. i thought it up myself. "compliments of diaper dan." isn't that cute? oh, no, you keep the rattle, mrs. stephens. i want your baby to have the first one on the block. thank you, dan. that's very sweet of you. well, i got to be going. oh, say, did you happen to see the moving van out in front of the kirkebys'. the kirkebys are moving? not only that. wait till you hear why. the fountain of trivia runneth over. dan, i'm not interested. well, it's just that harry, mr. kirkeby, and his secretary, that gorgeous blonde -- how gauche. well, maybe just a word or two. sam, for heaven sakes! dan? i have to be going. so long, mrs. stephens. sam, can't you understand that loose talk can be a dangerous thing? all right, all right, darrin. you're right.
up to a point. it's not that i'm opposed to gossip, you understand. it's this banal, mundane type that bores me. darrin, i was not gossiping. i was listening. besides, who's going to know what's been said here today? that's what lincoln said in his gettysburg address. [ clicks ] darrin: how you can even listen to him is beyond me. samantha: but, darling, dan meant no harm. hello, this is dragonfly calling mother hubbard. dragonfly calling mother hubbard. over. man: mother hubbard calling dragonfly. we read you. go ahead. well, it worked. i planted a mike in the baby's rattle.
t in as soon as you can. over. roger and out. hello, louise. oh, i just had a hunch it was you. yes, darrin's left. well, we had a few words, but everything's all right now. yes. i think it's just because he's been working so hard on that wright campaign, but he's come up with some wonderful ideas. the only good idea he ever had was marrying you, i regret to say. hmm? oh, yes, i'm sure larry's going to love them. he thought of a marvelous slogan. "the wright pen is the write pen for you." wright. like in w-r-i-g-h-t. and write like in w-r-i-t-e. clever, huh? samantha: like in w-r-i-g-h-t.
clever, huh? i'll say it is! peterson, get right on it. use everything that's on that tape. yes, sir, mr. kimberley. i'll pull that wright account right out from under mcmann & tate. what i wouldn't give to see larry tate's face when he makes his presentation. what do you mean you've already seen this presentation? we just finished it last night. isn't that true, darrin? yes, mr. wright. we think it's very good. oh, it's good, but as i said, i saw practically the same thing at the kimberley office. at least you could be more original. more original? more original! nobody's more original than mcmann & tate. furthermore, mr. -- steady, larry, steady. mr. wright, before you make any decisions, we'll get started on another presentation right away. fair enough? fair enough.
thank you. thank you. i can't understand it. how could kimberley come up with the same idea? well, it happens, larry. it happens. we'll just have to chalk it up to coincidence. uh-oh. don't look now, but guess who just came in. who? kimberley. him, he'll crawl away. well, tate and stephens. this is a coincidence. i was just saying the same thing, a.j. were you? how's business, tate? oh, make a million, lose a million. i just heard about your tough luck with the wright account.
well, i just took it for granted. we'll think of something, a.j. i'm sure you will, stephens, just as long as we don't think of it first. mr. kimberley, i believe our table's ready, sir. oh. well, see you in the rat race, boys. and there goes king rat. you mean you don't trust kimberley. i wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw an elephant. an elephant. larry, that's it. w presentation. i'll see you back at the office. it's just one of those things, honey, a coincidence. oh, i'm sorry, darling. you mean, you lost the account? not yet. your old darrin's still in there pitching. but i will be working late tonight. i've got this great idea about an elephant and a whole new slogan. "an elephant never forgets, but if you do, "write it down with the wright pen,
's marvelous! bye, darling. endora: reach for it. there! oh, you want the crackers! well, hex it over for grandmama. there. that's a good girl. mother! what? don't encourage her. tabitha, mustn't twitch. if darrin ever catches you, he'll be furious. he'll never catch me. besides, the way your husband works nights, you're married to a night watchman. it's an emergency, mother. darrin's working on a simply marvelous new idea. isn't he always? naturally! but this one's a gas. a -- a what? oh, that's advertising talk for sensational. i want my rattle. there you are. i probably shouldn't mention it. but it really is brilliant. darrin has an idea about using an elephant
"if you do, write it down with a wright pen, and you'll always remember." samantha: ...you'll always remember. how about that? great! yeah, i liked it. peterson, rush it to the art department, then over to wright. yes, sir. what? you couldn't possibly have already seen these! but i have, mr. tate, just an hour ago. gentlemen, your lack of inventiveness uh, mr. wright. mr. wright! we realize that presentations can be coincidental. it's just one of those things. but we'll come up with a winner, i promise you. i'll have to make a decision soon. thank you, mr. wright. you won't be sorry. larry! larry, take it easy. take it easy.
too many movies. once can be a coincidence. i'll buy that. but twice? never! i hate to admit it, but you may be right. i know i'm right. uh, larry. la-larry, what are you doing? i'm looking for a hidden microphone. your office must be bugged. thank you. larry, is this really necessary? absolutely. this final presentation is top secret. am about it. now, that's an order. yes, sir. i was thinking -- shh, shh. what's the matter? the olive. the olive? the olive.
oh, hi, sweetheart! hi, darling. still here, huh? oh! i certainly wouldn't leave without waiting for mr. charm to come home. oh, now, now, mother. sweetheart, you look tired. why don't you sit down and unwind? dinner will be ready in a little while. honey, hold it! hold it! what in the world? larry's idea. i've got the key here somewhere.
this ridiculous cloak-and-dagger business too far? ridiculous? two of my best ideas stolen, and she calls it ridiculous. we checked the office, everything. of course. there's a bug in this house. i beg your pardon! mother, darrin wasn't referring to you, were you? were you? no, honey, a bug, a microphone, a hidden microphone. it could be hidden anywhere -- in a lamp, under the table. wright campaign with anyone? no. only mother. i wouldn't repeat that drivel. and louise on the phone. the phone. that's it. they've tapped the phone. from now on, you're to stay away from that phone. you're not to talk to anybody, not to anybody! wait just a minute. because i casually mention your campaign to my mother and your boss's wife, are you trying to blame me for your troubles? confiding in a woman is like broadcasting by telstar!
t have listened to me! you don't have to shout. i'm not shouting! perhaps you'd prefer it if i didn't speak to you at all. that would suit me just fine, and that would be like declaring a global news blackout. i have a good mind to go home to mother! what for? your mother's always here! oh! i'm telling you, they're not even speaking to each other. over. man: don't just sit there on your diapers. do something. over. leave it to me. roger and out. mother, look. aren't they gorgeous? let's see. oh! oh, from darrin with all his trust and love. "darrin, with love, samantha." what a sweetheart.
here you go. turn around. let me get this button fastened. there. pretty bow. pretty bow and the kitty cats. hi, honey. hi, sweetheart. hello, darling. you look tired. i've still got a lot more work to do on the wright presentation. but, first... oh, darrin, more roses. my, you certainly are extravagant but sweet. i like the tie you sent me. what do you mean, "more roses"? why, these. i didn't send you any tie. you didn't? oh, wait a minute. mother sent us each a present to patch up our quarrel. endora? are you kidding? see what i mean? mother's a switchy witch. this is it, honey. the meeting's at 10:00, and it's our last chance. there had better not be another coincidence. i'll keep my fingers crossed. will you call me and let me know how it went? i sure will. bye.
rough preliminary sketches i made. wish me luck. good luck. [ ding! ] good morning, samantha. good morning, mother. oh, more roses from lover boy? the red ones are from him. he came up with the most marvelous idea for the campaign. he was up all night working on it, but it was worth it. everything's gonna turn out just perfectly. oh, naturally, here in happiness house, pooh. pooh? have you sunk to that level of repartee? pretty? what do you mean the red roses are from him? now, mother, go ahead, admit it. you know you sent the others. i sent them? and darrin wants me to thank you for the necktie. how utterly preposterous! not that i wouldn't like to give derwood a necktie.
very funny. sweet, isn't it? [ ding! ] oh, mother, wait a minute. if you didn't send them, who did? i haven't the faintest idea. and what's more, i couldn't possibly care less. well, i care. [ endora laughing ] um... pat-- paterson -- paterson florist. for the paterson florist, please? oh, this is what she calls brilliant? he gets paid for this? are you sure there isn't some mistake? there's no reason in the world for him to send -- well, you see, he's our -- you're positive. all right, thank you. thank you very much. diaper dan?
diaper dan? oh, well, since i merely possess supernatural powers of the highest degree, perhaps i'm not expected to understand. would you mind telling me what is so brilliant about an astronaut in an ad? or this nauseating slogan -- "when you fly to the moon, "you'll still be writing with the wright pen, to go into space and only one right way to write"? whew! mercy! of all the idiotic things i've ever -- mother. what? of course! but of course what? oh, how stupid! stupid, stupid, stupid! well, that's what i was saying about these scribblings of your husband's. mother? what?
[ whistling ] oh, my! goodness me. good morning, sweetheart. well, you certainly are in a good mood this morning. couldn't be better. coffee's good, my paper's here. i've got a beautiful wife and a satisfied client. you couldn't miss. the presentation was sensational. i caught a glimpse of it the other night. you saw it? mm-hmm. and you thought i couldn't keep a secret. well, what do you know? [ knock on door ]
good morning, mrs. stephens. good morning, dan. you can put it right over there. oh. oh, mrs. stephens, there'll be a drew niver stopping by. i mean, a new driver stopping by for a while. he's going on -- i mean, i'm going on vacation. how nice! have a good time. at the country air rest home. did dan say he was going to a rest home? yes, dear. well, he did seem a little confused.
-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.co you ready yet, honey? samantha: i'll be right down. good. that'll give me another 10 minutes. hook this for me, will you, honey? mm-hmm. sam? oh, i'm sorry. there you go. say, how did you manage that when you were single? oh, i had to use witchcraft. it was much more dependable but not nearly as much fun. honey, i'm sorry this turned into a business dinner, but larry's dying to land this account. mr. macelroy's leaving town tonight. have i met him? no, but you've probably been in his shoes. huh? macelroy shoes -- one of the biggest in the country.
i've come up with some pretty big ideas. [ chuckles ] dear, what you need is some smaller ideas or a bigger tube. well, the babysitter isn't here yet anyway. by the way, who is it? who? the sitter. oh, sam, you didn't. well, darrin, aunt clara volunteered, and i couldn't say no without hurting her feelings. besides, we have to be extra specially nice to her right now. she's just had a big disappointment. she flunked the national driver's test. no. she's just broken up with ocky. ocky? octavius. he's a warlock she used to be very fond of, but then the old fool met a young witch, and, well, you know the rest. it's old story. poor old girl. as if she didn't have enough trouble. okay, she can sit, but that's all, understand?
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now, good night, dear aunt clara, and try to cheer up, huh? yeah, maybe he'll come back. who? octavius. no, i've forgotten him completely. good night, aunt clara. 'night. still awake, precious? aunt clara will sing you a little lullaby. [ chuckles ] ? mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi ? ? ah, mi ? ? mi, mi, mi ? [ chuckles ] ? lullaby ? [ off-key ] ? lullaby ? [ crying ]
it worked. well. you've still got it, old girl. [ tabitha crying ] mommy! oh, dear. oh, what's happening? oh! oh, stop that. now, that's no way for a piano to behave. oh, i must do something fast. oh. piano, piano, that i prize, return to that convenient size. [ doorbell rings ] anybody -- aah! oh. oh, mrs. kravitz. [ chuckles ] oh, so nice of you to drop in. how -- how'd that piano get up there? what piano?
for macelroy shoes -- fresh, original, inventive. i'll be glad to look at them after dinner if there's time. can't miss that plane, you know. uh, delicious roast, louise. oh, thank you. oh, are you finished already? samantha: i am, too. me too. aren't you, dear? oh, yes. yes. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] oh, louise, i just can't wait to see what you have for dessert. oh, you'll love it.
what happened? oh, it's just probably a power failure or something. no problem. maybe we better postpone this until i come back to town next time. no, we'll get more candles. louise, more candles, huh? forget the candles. how about some more brandy? louise, more brandy. more brandy. there you are, back where you belong. and i did it. [ chuckles ] i certainly don't know how. wish i could get the lights back on. orbell rings ] oh, dear. good evening. hello. we just wanted to find out if everything was all right over here. oh, everything's fine. i've been watching television. with no electricity? oh, you noticed that. have you got a flashlight in the house? well, i really don't know. well, here, take this. we have extras.
shh! shh! oh, for the love of pete. the whole eastern seaboard is blacked out. [ telephone rings ] oh, excuse me. [ ringing continues ] come on, gladys. good night. hi, aunt clara. is everything all right? oh, of course, of course. why shouldn't it be? aren't the lights out? they are everywhere else. oh, yes, the lights are out here, too. well, what a coincidence. i doubt if that's what the electric company's calling it. how's tabitha? she is sleeping peacefully. well, that's good. i'll check later. aunt clara, you sure everything's all right? oh, everything's fine, but everything's fine. bye-bye.
uld have happened to anybody. but how am i going to get them back on again? i...don't know. oh, i've got to have help. oh, i wish ocky were here. maybe i could bring him here. i can try. eyes like fishes, nose like dishes. ocky. clara. oh! well, it worked. oh, i still have my touch. clara, my darling. oh, no. nothing like that. no, i called you back professionally, and then, after that, you can go back to your little...witch. clara, i don't want her. i want to come back to you.
will you please take me back? well, maybe i will, and maybe i won't. but now i need help. i've just put out all the lights along the eastern seaboard. purposely? by mistake. i'll say this, when you make one, it's a beaut. let's see now. this isn't gonna be easy. okay. let's have a whirl at it. red rag. cosgo. doozit! go, go! whole bit. laden. lad in drugit. eastern seaboard! oh! ocky, you did it. yeah, how about that? oh, what happened? well, do it again. do it again. now, put a little more zing into it.
hands. it's your hands, ocky. are they gone? oh, no, but you must keep them up to keep the lights on. swell. abner! you said the lights were out all over. that's right -- all over the east. so how come they're on across the street? don't be ridiculous. they can't be. no? come see for yourself. now, here's a slogan you're going to like a lot more than the others, mr. macelroy. "there's no business like shoe business." so much for slogans. hi, there, aunt clara. just checking. you all right? good. how's tabitha? oh, fine. she's sleeping peacefully, like a baby.
oh, we have lights now. but the radio said the whole city was blacked out. how could you possibly have lights? [ chuckles ] i don't know. i'm a witch, not an electrician. aunt clara, i don't understand. how could you have light unless -- now, listen. you have lights at your place? uh...why, yes. oh, great. let's all jump in the car and get over there his whole deal goes down the drain.
i am not a crank, and if you don't believe me, you can check for yourself. [ vehicle approaches ] oh. oh, my niece is coming. oh, dear. well, i-i'd rather she didn't see you. i rather she didn't see me either, you know? do -- do you mind stepping in here, in the closet? uh, uh...you -- you know, uh...i mean...do you? up. oh! keep your hands up, ocky! [ doorbell rings ] i really should be leaving for the airport. oh, we'll see that you get there on time. absolutely. aunt clara? don't you have something you'd like to tell me? tell? well.
i had a feeling you'd say that. i'm gonna go up and check tabitha. take your time, dear. and another thing -- we think you ought to be using tv. darrin, tell him about the spectacular you dreamt up. it's a beaut. what i had in mind was a great, big shoe. we base the whole thing on the "old woman who lived in a shoe," and we have so marvelous songs. "shoe, shoe, baby." "buttons and bows." for ladies' shoes. got any brandy? somebody? brandy for mr. macelroy! darrin, show him the newspaper layout. you want to see some really clever copy? yes. just wait.
where's the brandy? [ tinkles ] yes. the -- the -- the brandy! mr. macelroy, we thought we'd start out with -- oh, no. not again! there's a flashlight right there on the table, larry. gentlemen, i really should be leaving. no, no. you can't leave before you see this ad. see? i can't see anything. [ chuckles ] that's just a little dance i learned in scotland. [ chuckles ] it's called "the wee kick of the kirk." bet she knows where the brandy is. [ laughter ] [ doorbell rings ] now what? never mind, darrin. i'll get it. yes?
your lights are on. how about that? come on, fellas. now, just a minute. don't worry, lady. we'll have them out in no time. i mean, we'll get it fixed, find the trouble, check it out. darrin, will you get rid of them? now, just a minute. my husband's in the middle of something very important. lady, everybody in the city was in the middle of something important, but i only got two hands. fellas, you check the fuse box, and i'll go check the wiring in the kitchen. boy, aunt clara, you just wait till i get you alone. are you gonna have some explaining to do. now, wait a minute! i've got a problem here! i've got a very important client here! we can use all the light we can get! look, i've got to get to the airport. i'm gonna miss that plane. no, mr. macelroy. you've got plenty of time. darrin! will you forget about him, darrin?
oh! sorry for all these interruptions, mr. macelroy. oh, i see you got your brandy. come on over here an sit down. aunt clara, there's something funny going on around here. oh, i wish you'd tell me. i'm dying to have a good laugh. gladys: aah! oh, i've got to get out of here. now, wait, mr. macelroy. mrs. kravitz, what are you doing here? never mind me. what are you doing here? mrs. kravitz, what is the matter? there's something in that closet! what is it? i-i thought it was a mop, but it moved. that's ridiculous. that's ridiculous.
what kind of voices did you have in mind for the shoes? voices? yeah, voices. come on back, and let's talk about it. what about his plane? darrin! you must be joshing. i'm not leaving town till i hear all about this. now, what are the details? yes, let's hear the details. the details. let me have some of that brandy. we're gonna check the power lines on the outside. 'll get to the bottom of this yet. i certainly hope so. [ doorbell rings ] what happened? she fainted. good. now i can get some sleep. loved the fainting lady.
good morning, sweetheart. oh, hi. how do you feel? like a million, which is just about what macelroy's account is worth. don't forget you owe it all to aunt clara's irresponsibility. i talked to a puppet man. he said it'll be a cinch to animate those shoes. really? you know, it's amazing what human beings can do. listen to this. "power company officials announced "that last night's massive blackout
udden surge in the niagara grid "compounded by the failure of an automatic cutoff system was a one-in-a-million accident." aunt clara didn't do it. where are you going? to tell her. oh, but, darrin, she thinks she did it. she's even kind of proud of herself. aunt clara's a new woman. i don't get it. will it hurt to let her go on thinking she's responsible? honey, she's bound to read about it in the papers. oh, well, so what? the newspapers are always coming up with logical explanations for things we witches do. she won't pay any attention to it. it's okay with me. and who knows? maybe she did do it. well, the failure of an automatic cutoff system that was a one-in-a-million accident or one of aunt clara's goof-ups. now, which is harder to believe?
roger: oh, boy! fine friend you are. you went out and bought the boat without me. why didn't you wait for me? huh? what'd you say? jeannie, would you turn the wind off? [wind stops] thank you. what'd you say, roger? i said, "you went out and bought the boat without me. why didn't you wait for me?" well, i didn't wait for you because this is not my boat. you just brought this over on approval? yeah, well-- would you get rid of it? oh, get rid of it? g-get rid-- it's beautiful. d you like another color? i'd like another boat. what's the matter with this one? nothing, roger, except it's not mine. ours. uh, jeannie, you see, i-- i don't want anybody to give me a boat. the fun of having something like this is-- is working for it. and saving for it. and then buying it. i know exactly what you mean, and that's a wonderful spirit. uh, i'll tell you what, jeannie. i'll-- i'll take the boat, but i'd like a few changes. i thought we could have a swimming pool-- would you get rid of it.
[laughs] oh, well. i get seasick anyway. shall we go down and pick out our boat? i can't. you can't? wait a minute. you said we were gonna go partners. sixteen hundred dollars a piece on a boat. yeah, i-- i know, roger. [chuckling] i don't have the money. well, what did you do with it? i ate it. sometimes i think bellows is right about you. there you are, master. what is it? oh, well, jeannie. no, no, no. i don't think you understood what i was trying to say. you see, i like to work for what i get. well, i'll just take that and be running along. well, easy come, easy go. oh, i just remembered! i invited a lot of people to go sailing this weekend. well, i'm sorry, roge, there's just nothing i-- well, what's the matter with me? i can borrow the money. where would you borrow the money, master? at a bank. that's what they're for.
why not? because! if you do not repay the loan, they will cut off your ears. who told you that? earless abdul. earless abdul? he did not become earless until he failed to repay a loan at the first national bank of pompeii. nothing's gonna happen. hm, that is what earless said before he became earless. look, i'm going to the bank, i'm gonna get the loan, roger and i will buy the sailboat, and then i'll pay the bank back in monthly installments. jeannie... look, i-i thought, before i leave, could i just see the boat once more? certainly. oh, well. it's not my color anyway. you, uh--? you coming? no, i'll meet you at the base. i'm gonna stop off at the bank on the way down. master? may i go to the bank with you? i have never seen a cocoa beach bank. well, sure. sure, you can.
i'll, uh-- i'll see you two later. look, do me a favor, will you? dr. bellows. oh, forgive me for barging in, major, i-- that's a boat in your living room. [stammering] yes. yes, that's exactly what it is, sir, a boat. uh, last week, there was a...apple tree there. well, you know the old saying, "an apple a day keeps the doctor--" now, it's a boat. yeah. i don't believe we've met. this is pedro. [swedish accent] i been happy to meet you, dr. bellows. pedro? pedro sven. i didn't know you had a boat, major. yeah, well, it's not mine. he's just showing it to me. yah. it's just the right thing to the ocean. i suppose you have some explanation for this boat being in your living room.
yes, sir, can i help you? i'd like to speak to somebody about taking out a loan. yes, mr. wilfred will take care of you. if you'll just sit down a moment. thanks. we'll be very happy to help you, madam. our greatest joy in life is seeing that wonderful look on people's faces when we give them loans. oh, thank you. you see? there's nothing to it. hm! what is the purpose of this loan? well, you see, my husband died and left me without a penny. a penniless widow. ng. if i could borrow 70 dollars, i could buy a secondhand sewing machine and take in sewing. that is the spirit that built this great country. here you are, madam. just make a list of your cash securities and real estate holdings. but i haven't any. [inaudible dialogue] widow: that's right. but i'll work my fingers to the bone to pay you back.
three young children. yes. you see, what'd i tell ya? i do not like it. i'm sorry, madam, but i'm afraid you've mistaken us for the charitable institution. we do not make loans without first-class security. you mean you won't help me? now, i didn't say that, madam. of course we'll help you. you see? you come back here some other time when you have some property or blue chip securities. i will be glad to arrange a loan. he is exactly like the man who took care of earless abdul. [???] well, what can i do for you this lovely day, general? uh, major. major. i-i want to discuss taking out a loan. that's what i'm here for. you know my motto?
for? i want to buy a boat. ah, the briny deep, the seven seas, moby dick and all that sort of thing. how much is this boat? it's $3200, but i'm buying it with a friend of mine, so it'll only be $1600 a piece. wilfred: is that all? think of all the hours of pleasure you can have for $1600. well, i have thought about it, and that's the reason i wanna discuss taking out a loan. i'm $1000 short. a thousand dollars? yes. tell me, lieutenant... yeah. how much real estate do you own? none. i have a house, but it's got a mortgage on it. but you do have securities. no. no wonder you want a boat. you want to escape from poverty. well, i do have a bank account here. well, why didn't you say so? you're one of the family. you know, i hate making loans to strangers, but i do love making loans to one of our big depositors. oh, i'm not a big depositor, i-- how much do you have in your accounts?
a christmas fund account. christmas fund account? yes. oh, i think i have about $600 in it. six hundred dollars? and you want to borrow a thousand? let us go. jeannie, there's not gonna be any trouble with the loan. but i can give you everything you need. she's a very close friend. oh, don't apologize. you'd be surprised how much of that goes on at cocoa beach. mr. wilfred, i, um-- i do have a steady job. so i see. your name? anthony nelson. not the astronaut? yes, that's right. well, i don't know. we've never made a loan to an astronaut before. it would be very interesting trying to get our money back if you went up there and... excuse me a moment. i think i'll check on your account. i will be right back, master. i am going to look around the bank a little. jeannie? mm? don't get into any trouble.
[???] well, wilfred. and how's it going? splendidly, mr. melnick. i'm on my seventh turndown this morning. this one's an astronaut. he wants to borrow $1000. and all he has in his christmas fund account is $3,000,614. three million, six hundred and fourteen dollars? melnick: and you're going to turn him down for a loan? certainly not, mr. melnick. give him anything he wants. yes, mr. melnick! yes, mr. melnick! we mustn't let a man like that excuse me, sir. sorry to have kept you waiting, general. major. oh, you'll be a general. i have a feeling in my bones. well, thank you. now, about the loan, if it's not too much trouble-- trouble? why, it's an honor to do business with you, sir. suppose we just fill out this form for $100,000, payable at your convenience. a hundred thousand-- no, no, no, i don't need $100,000 dollars, i just need $1000.
t see that kind of respect anymore, do you? really, $100,000 is too much. i just need 1000. well, suppose you decide to buy a larger boat, or take on a few accessories. a seaplane on board, perhaps? no, no, really. this is just a little sailboat. well, it could be a little bigger one, couldn't it, major general? let's make this out for $150,000. take it, master. let us go. well, what would i use for security? your face. [gasps] i knew it. he wants your face. please, let us give you $200,000. but i-i don't need $200,000. sir, if you're so anxious to loan money, why don't you loan money to the poor widow that was just in here? is that what you want? well, it'd be very nice. how much shall we give her? i don't know. a thousand dollars? wilfred: a nice round figure. she'll have the money this afternoon. now, just sign here, and we'll have the money
if we can ever be of any help to you, general, day or night, you just don't hesitate to call on us. let us go, master. thank you very much. i-it was most pleasant. i told ya-- i told ya it would be easy. sir, the second window. oh, mr. wilfred? yes, mr. melnick? how much did major nelson borrow? well, i'm sorry, mr. melnick, but he only borrowed $1000. but he wouldn't accept it. i can't understand it. a man with $3,000,000 in his christmas fund wanting to borrow $1000. john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more?
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and he borrowed some money? well, just $1000. perhaps you could talk to him and persuade him to borrow more. i'll talk to him, all right. thank you, dr. bellows. it's going to be my pleasure. excuse me. i got the loan without losing my ears, didn't i? hm. yes, master. and i got the loan without your help. y-yes, master. you know, i've been thinking of buying a new car. uh, maybe i'll negotiate another little loan. i do not think i would do that if i were you, master. mm... hm? i know how to handle these people much better than you do, really. [doorbell rings] i think that's roger. oh... oh, jeannie, i wish you wouldn't do that. oh, i'm sorry, major healey. jeannie, next time you let him walk up the flight of stairs. what happened at the bank? get your loan? oh, there's nothing to it. they couldn't do enough for me. really? i've been trying to borrow money there for two years. well, next time you go in,
we make the same amount of money. boy, you must have something that i don't have. oh, major nelson is very good at handling people. yeah, hey, look, let's go over and pick out our boat, okay? do you know the loveliest boat i ever saw was cleopatra's barge. no kidding. really? roger: i'd love to have seen that. well, we better get going. i'll see you tonight, jeannie. okay. and, uh, no blinking. i'll walk down, okay? [???] hey, here's a beauty. wow! look at that spinnaker. tony: yeah, it's also $5000. roge, we've only got 3200. i'm ready to go sailing, master. hi. hi. we don't have the boat yet, jeannie. say... that's a cute outfit. yeah. do you like it? yeah. jeannie!
major nelson, i... well, i'll see you later, tony. stay right where you are, major healey. major, what do you think you're dressed for? uh, this is, uh-- well, it's for sailing, sir. the sailing number in the christmas show that roger and i are rehearsing. what show? oh, that show. you talkin'. you're rehearsing for a christmas show in august? yeah, well, these things take time. hm. has anyone left you a large sum of money recently? no, sir. good. major nelson, i want you to wait right here, do you understand? right here. oh, quick thinking. "what show?" oh, very good. jeannie! oh, nice work. i am sorry, master, but in greece, the warriors wore skirts, and in scotland, the men wear kilts all the time-- yeah, but this is cocoa beach, and dr. bellows, well, uh...
and has $3,000,000 in his christmas fund? that's right, general. doctor, have you been analyzed recently? oh, general. this time, major nelson won't get away with it. his money is in the cocoa beach city bank, and he's in his office. dr. bellows, if this is another one of your wild hallucinations, you're going through psychoanalysis again. gladly. that's good. hm. while we were at the bank, you didn't do anything, did you? do what? well, if i knew, i wouldn't be asking you. why would anybody wanna lend me $200,000? you mean they wanted to lend you $200,000, and you didn't accept it? jeannie, what did you do at the bank? i-if i tell you, you will not be angry with me? me, angry? me? why would i get angry? i've never seen a girl-- who are you talking to, major nelson? oh, uh, we were just rehearsing, sir. you know, the christmas play?
oh. "goodbye." just a moment, major. you said he was in a skirt and sweater. well, obviously he changed clothes, general. i can't wait to hear him explain away the money in his account. oh, oh, is that all--? [chuckling] is that all you're worried about? well? oh, yes. well, i started the account last january, and every week i stick a certain amount of money in there, to $3,000,614? three million, six hundred... bellows: and this time you can't blame it on any christmas play. the money is in the bank, and it's yours. now, would you like to explain it now? or at your court-martial, major? well, i-- i can't explain it, sir. i don't have $3,000,000. the bank says you do. well, there's only one way to find out. we'll all go down there right now.
yes, mr. melnick? this is mr. peterfy, the federal auditor. how do you do, mr. peterfy? mr. peterfy wants to ask you a question. always delighted to answer questions. mr. melnick tells us that you said that one of your savings club depositors had an account containing $3,000,000. yes, major nelson. i made him a loan this morning, personally. mr. wilfred, if major nelson has $3,000,000 in his account, this bank is $3,000,000 short. three million dollars short? peterfy: that is correct. 've tracked it down to your department. i'm sure you don't think that i-i-i-- i mean to say, you don't suspect that i... but i didn't take it. that money is in major nelson's christmas account. here it is. six hundred and fourteen dollars. what? b-but i saw it here myself. with management like this,
that must be a new world's record. there's mr. wilfred. he'll tell you. bellows: oh, mr. wilfred? this is general peterson. and you know major nelson. i certainly do. mr. wilfred, i want to talk to you about major nelson's christmas account. do you really? will you please tell the general how much major nelson has in that account? i'd be delighted. he's got $614. bellows: that's a mistake. i'm talking about major nelson's account. i don't know what you're trying to pull, dr. bellows. but swindling a bank is a federal offense. me? swindler? you told me he had $3,000,000. yeah, well, he hasn't. and about that loan, major, you better come up with some security. this isn't the salvation army, you know. doctor. no, sir. this time i'm not going to back down. somewhere in this bank is $3,000,000
i'm fine, roge. hey, did you hear what happened to poor dr. bellows? yeah, yeah. well, at least one nice thing came out of this. that poor widow will be able to buy a sewing machine now. oh, i do not think she's going to need one, master. why not? i believe she has a beautiful, little dress shop of her own. oh, that's wonderful, jeannie. you can buy all your clothes there. that's funny. oh, you're funny. i kind of like you in skirts. are we gonna buy the boat, or aren't we? we're gonna have to wait. i had to give the loan back to the bank. that is terrible. no, don't do anything. they're in business to make money. that's their business. i doubt if mr. wilfred has ever been at sea. he looks like he's never been out of the bank before. boy, if he could feel the rolling deck of a ship beneath his feet and feel the wind and the spray on his face, he'd maybe know what he was missing. i do not think he is ready for that yet, master.
[???] tony & roger: jeannie! jeannie! roger: get us off! [???] [gasps] oh, look, master. oh, it is an original aunt sarah. [chuckling] yeah. mom, i'm tired. i wanna go. shut up and stop whining. you're gonna have culture if it kills ya. i cannot stand to hear people treat children like that. neither can i. my feet hurt. can't we go home? do you wanna be ignorant like your father? ooh! jeannie, don't get into this. jeannie. [honking] mom? [honking] jeannie, come on, come on. harold.
goose? because she was a goose, master. i could not stand to see the way she treated him. there is a very special way to treat children. yeah, i'm sure there is, but turning a mother into a goose-- i know everything about children. someday, i am going to write a book about it. [chuckles] yeah, you do that. it would be the best book in the whole world. do--? do you really think you could write a book about bringing up kids? of course, master. how long do you think it'd take? oh, i do not know. three or four weeks. three or four weeks, huh? you wouldn't be able to do anything else. i mean, you'd have to concentrate on it. oh, i would not mind, master. hm. do you really think i should do it? oh, yeah, i-- i do, i-- i really do. very well, master, i shall. [chuckling] i am afraid you will not be seeing much of me for a while, master. we all have to make sacrifices, jeannie.
[gasps] oh, that is a splendid idea. you like it? mm. [jeannie chuckles] [both chuckle] i do not think i should put my name on it. do you? no. no, i don't think so. how about--? why don't you try "anonymous"? who is anonymous? [chuckles] well, you can use any name you want to. uh, i've gotta get to the office. i'm a little late. i'll see you later, huh? oh, very well, and-- and thank you, master. for what? your splendid title. oh, thank you, too. for what, master? uh, three weeks' training on the llrv. [chuckling] oh. llrv? [door closes] [chuckles nervously] now...who shall publish my book? [sighs]
publishing company, new york city, new york." i will let them publish my book. [sighs] anonymous. aww, that is better. "major anthony nelson." [laughs] [???] yeah, but sam marcus is one of the best astronauts in the program. they really haul him on the carpet? [doorbell rings] that poor devil. [gasps] it's from the publisher. well, let that be a lesson to all of us. i am sure sorry for him, roger, but-- [gasps] oh, they have accepted my master's book. oh. yeah, yeah. well, all we can do in the future
well, that's a shame. wha--? what is a shame, master? oh, one of our best astronauts, sam marcus, just got himself in a lot of trouble. how? he wrote a magazine article, didn't clear it. and that got him into trouble, master? hm? oh, yeah, sure. every time that an astronaut writes anything he's gotta clear it through nasa. he does? yeah, well, sure. oh, is--? did you get the mail? mm-hm. it's just advertising. ice. i wanna see how poor old sam is gonna make out. i'll see you tonight. yes, master. [???] [sighs] [door closes] oh, well, who will know? no one will read the book, anyway.
it's all set to go, major. oh, thanks. well, good luck, tony, and, look, do a good job, huh? when we use this flying mattress to scoot along the surface of the moon, we don't want anything to go wrong. huh? i said, when we, uh... n-nev-- never mind. never mind. good luck. good luck. that's what i said. [???] hey, it worked. it worked. . is that major nelson up there? yes, sir.
hi. it has a perfect checkout. couldn't have handled better. that's great, major. oh, major, there are some reporters in my office to see you. thank you. sir? there are some reporters in my office to see you. oh, they probably heard about the test. shall we go? uh, pardon me? shall we go? oh, yes, yes. here. ladies and gentlemen, this is major nelson. how do you do? i understand you all wanna ask me some questions? would you explain your theory about breast-feeding? in chapter three in your book, you said that-- how do you feel about getting a national baby award from the mothers' organization of america? oh, i'm terribly sorry. i-i don't understand what you are all talking about. they're talking about your book, major. how to be a fantastic mother. my book? mm-hm. well, i-- i never wrote a-- wrote a better book in my life. how does it feel to be the new dr. spock, major? i'd like to know something more
it's amazing how for one hour and a half you managed to say absolutely nothing. you're, um, a bachelor, aren't you, major? yes, yes. well, i'm a psychiatrist, and i'm staking my reputation that this book was not written by a bachelor. doctor, believe me, it came off my typewriter. i'm going to give you a chance to prove it. yea-- uh, prove it? pro--? how, sir? hm. do you remember what you said in, uh, chapter 13? chapter--? chapter 13? t word for word. uh, you said that in one evening, you could take the most incorrigible child in the world and change him into a loving human being. uh, did--? did i say that? i mean-- that was in chapter 13. yes, major. and i happen to have the most incorrigible child in the world. uh, that is, he belongs to my sister. he's 12 years old. he's already gone through three analysts, of which i was one.
to work with him. one evening. yes, sir? you said you could do it in one evening. he'll be at your house tonight, major. oh, uh, tonight? ahem. tonight's it's impossible, sir. i have to work on the llrv-- and we're going to have another press conference. where i will tell the reporters how successful you've been, or you can explain that this book is a fraud, and that you didn't write it. i needn't remind you how nasa feels about astronauts getting phony publicity, need i, major? thank you. remember sam marcus? oh, mother nelson, i, uh, just read your book, and i... [chuckles] ni-- nice reading.
the publisher made a mistake. [chuckles] no, no, you did. and you know what it's gonnaost me? my job. oh, but why, master? just because you are an expert on children-- no, i'm not an expert on children, and dr. bellows knows that. oh, he cannot prove it. oh, yes, he can. he's bringing his nephew over here tonight, and from what i'm led to believe, his nephew is the youngest juvenile delinquent on record. and if i don't make that kid into a bundle of love before the evening is out, i'm finished. finished. over. finished. oh, well, that is easy, master. oh, but, master-- you leave that kid alone. if that is what you wish. that's what i wish. [doorbell rings] oh! how do you get yourself into these things? [stammers] [???] tony: oh, hello, dr. bellows. good evening, major nelson. this is my nephew, richard. oh, hello, richard. uh, you look like a fine young man. you an astronaut? uh, yes, yes.
i'm some kind of a creep? uh, tell him what you're going to do when you grow up, richard. i'm gonna join the mafia. [laughing] tony: um... has anybody ever given him a spanking? lots of times, but nobody ever spanks me more than once. oh, is that right? oh, yes. uh, tell him why, richard. 'cause every time somebody spanks me, i set fire to somethin'. you wanna try it? uh, no, no, no. uh, well, i'll, uh, just run along no, no, you're not gonna-- you have three hours, major. you're not gonna leave him him? doctor? uh... say, uh, uh... [chuckles] there, richard, i spent a lot of time on that. hey, you know, i think we can work out our problems by talking and getting to understand each other, huh? you seem like a pretty bright fella. my uncle, the head-shrinker, says if you don't straighten me out tonight, you're in a bunch of trouble. he say that, huh?
what? you're in a bunch of trouble. got anything to eat around here? yeah-- oh, sure, sure. we got cookies and milk-- hold this. [???] [doorbell rings] oh, general peterson. tony, forgive me for barging in on you like this. that's quite all right, sir. what can i do for you? why, it's about that book you wrote. book? congratulations. [laughs nervously] ...raising children. it's-- uh, i really don't know that much about it, sir. i-- it's just an instinctive thing, i suppose. well, now, don't be modest. when a book like that gets to be a bestseller, there's gotta be a good reason for it. [chuckles] well, uh, i suppose there is, sir. uh, thank you for dropping by to congratulate me on it. well, i didn't come by just for that, tony. i-- well, i have a little granddaughter, 11 years old. uh, she's a nice girl, but she's terribly shy,
it's-- it's ruining her life. we can't even get her to talk anymore. oh, if you help us, tony, i certainly would appreciate it. well, i-- i-- i'd like to try, sir, but i-- i'm really not qualified-- dr. bellows doesn't even believe that you wrote it. this time we're really gonna teach him a lesson, aren't we? [both chuckling] yeah. gina. oh... gina. oh, uh, this is my little granddaughter, gina. uh, this is major nelson. how do you do, gina? uh, gina's gonna have a birthday party next week... aren't you, gina? now-- now, you stay here-- you stay here with major nelson. oh, wait till dr. bellows hears about this, heh. i'll see you in about three hours. uh, sir-- and good luck, good luck. well, thank you, but i-- uh, keep it. [buzzing] uh, gina-- gina, why don't you go upstairs and play, huh?
what are ya doin'? makin' a mess. so are you gonna spank me? uh, give me those things. listen, you shouldn't be-- h-h-how'd you like to, uh--? to play with a pretty little girl, huh? where is she? no, i guess that's not such a good idea, after all. [???] i want you to clean this place-- would you stop that? i want you to clean this place up, understand? yeah, come on, you're-- you're too pretty to be shy. anybody ever tell you that? you're a beautiful young girl. uh, do you have any brothers or sisters? hey, i bet you had-- you don't have anybody to talk to, do you? gina, um... how would you like to play with a rocket?
a globe? i-- i bet you've never seen one like this? it's a real antique. how about this telescope? i can show you, through this telescope, the sea of tranquility. it's on the moon. i'm gonna be landing there one of these days. look, gina... i'm just trying to help. look. say, look here. here's a doll. her name is-- heh. it's jeannie. [buzzing] you-- you-- you wait right here. i'll-- i'll be back. what's going on around here, huh?
back to the old drawing board. richard. come here. you know, richard, you shouldn't touch something that belongs to somebody else. now, i'll tell you what. i've got the makings for a new plane out on the patio. now, why don't you go out there and build it, hm? oh, no, it isn't. it takes quite a bit of intelligence to build one. my iq is 170. what's yours? forget it. well, how are we getting along, gina? feeling any better, huh? wh--? what did we talk about, hm? uh, look, darling, i-- i don't know how to explain this, but we don't have a lot of time. you see, i've gotta get you talking
just say the first thing that comes into your mind. i smell smoke. [laughing] you see? you see how easy that was? three little words: i smell smoke. [laughing] wonderful. yee-- oh-- well, oh-- master. oh. later. you think i'm gonna fall for an old gag like that, huh? [coughs] what do you think you're doin'? i was making some rocket fuel. yeah? well, stay away from the stove. and-- and clean this mess up. and fix that plane!
would read chapter 17, it says here-- cha--? read? i don't have time to read. my whole life is going down the drain. but-- what? no. well, have you thought of any games for us to play, huh? huh? what's the matter, gina? [crying] i want to go home. [doorbell rings] oh. that's dr. bellows. ay right here, honey. oh, i'm sorry, honey. [???] i'm back. has it been three hours already? why, yes, it has. yeah, it's amazing how time will pass when you're having fun. have you been having fun? a ball. a ba-- richard's a wonderful kid. a really wonderful kid. uh, richard? sure, oh, yes, yes, yes. it's-- all he needs is a little understanding. it's amazing how much fun you can have when you understand each other.
ndering if he can spend the night. i could bring him over in the morning-- major nelson. we could-- major nelson. yes, sir. where is he? who? uh, oh, richard. i'm sorry. yes, he's-- well, he's out on the patio assembling some model airplanes we've been working on. he didn't smash them? mm, well, there were a couple of little accidents. nothing important. uh, yes. uh, may i see him now? uh, well, i'd rather you didn't-- uh, now, major. [sighing] yeah. [???] peterson: gentlemen. ah, good evening, general. good evening. how is gina? gina? oh, wonderful. wonderful kid. just a charming girl. aren't you proud of him, doctor? i will be as soon as i see my nephew changed into a well-behaved little boy. richard? uh, doctor... uh, general-- you don't have to say a word, major. the evidence will speak for itself. --intelligent to make a model as beautiful as that. i didn't make it. i just fixed it.
may i see you to your car? mm-hm. [giggling] amazing. how'd you say you did that? yeah, read the book, sir. oh, i did, i did. it all seemed so terribly simple in school. good night, major. oh, good night, sir. and thanks-- [chuckles] oh, yeah. [sighs] i-i-i hope you're happy, master. [chuckles] oh, thank you, jeannie. thank you very much. there's only one problem. well, what is that, master? if you used magic on those children--
g them together. and then what happened? oh, you must read the last chapter, master. it is about boys and girls. [???] ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ? ? the chores ?