tv North Carolina News at 500PM CBS November 14, 2016 5:00pm-6:00pm EST
your father's money in the stock market? captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? mother, i don't understand. you hired a housekeeper, site unseen?
ency said that this woman is a gem, a treasure. carol, i can hardly wait for her to get here. mm-hmm... is she black? no. the agency was fresh out. no, but this woman is not only a fantastic housekeeper, she's supposed to be a fab-- ( doorbell rings ) that's mrs. naugatuck! mrs. who? close your mouth, walter, and try to look intelligent. coming! findlay residence? yes. this is from mrs. naugatuck. carol, honey, would you do me a favor and take that up to the guest room? guest room? sign here. maude, we're not getting sleep-in help, are we? sweetie, don't worry. you won't even know she's in the house. sign right there. maude, why didn't you ask me before you hired sleep-in help? walter, i tried to bring up the subject the other night after dinner, and you said, "that's your department, maude. "do whatever you want, maude.
imagine, london! oh, now i get it. now i realize why you're so steamed up about this dame. you can put on the dog with all your friends. "findlay residence! cheerio! pip-pip and a yank in the raf." be quiet, walter, or you'll get a yank in the raf you'll never forget. walter, i resent your implying that i am a snob. i couldn't care less what nationality she is. ( bell rings ) that's mrs. naugatuck. now, remember, walter, she's british, so for heaven's sake, don't act like the ugly american. you're not that good-looking to start with. let's just think of her as greer garson in mrs. miniver, and make her feel at home. mrs. naugatuck? you really should do something about them steps. i nearly broke me bloody bum. what did i tell you? another greer garson.
i'm maude findlay. this is my husband walter and my daughter carol. how do you do? uh, you know, mrs. naugatuck, i am a bit of an anglophile. that means "english buff," walter. you've been to london? no, but i have relatives in toronto. and i have been to the london bridge in arizona. oh, my! it has fallen down, hasn't it? mother tells us you lived in brisbane. yes. but i didn't get to see much of it. i was ever so busy. oh, as a housekeeper? in a manner of speaking. it was a bawdy house. you did say "boarding house"? oh, no. bawdy house. they didn't stay over.
oh, good heavens, no! i owned the place. oh, splendid! some of my belongings have arrived. splendid! mrs. naugatuck, nothing personal, but isn't this an awful lot for a one week's tryout? come on, ducks. i've never met a soul who didn't go crackers over my cookin'. and my housework's bang on, and everybody goes potty over my personality. so, i'll be here for good. so, if you just show me my room, i'll get hoppin'. all right, mrs. naugatuck, walk this way. uh, if i could walk that way, i'd have stayed in brisbane. walter, did you hear? first, we're going crackers, and then we're gonna go potty. isn't she perfection? yeah, maude. perfection.
oh, now, walter. not a chance, maude. not a chance! please! now, maude. i'm not gonna say it again. she's gotta leave. i don't want sleep-in help, british or not, and that's final. oh, come on, now, walter-- final! all right, all right, i'll talk to her. that's what i get for offering a smattering of culture to a man who crumbles ritz crackers into his soup. ( mrs. naugatuck singing ) there she is. tell her. mrs. naugatuck. mrs. naugatuck: yes, mum? what a beautiful vase! oh, you like it, mum? like it? this is lovely! cyril's in there. cyril?
just since he died. i hope you won't mind, mum. you won't even know he's in the house. i think that's touching, don't you, walter? beautiful. if you did that with all your husbands, you'd have to carry a six-pack. now, call her out and tell her she's through. maude! you know in your heart you had no right to bring anybody into this house without discussing it with me. you're right, walter. you're absolutely right. and i also know in my heart that because you're right, you should have the honor of firing that dear sweet lady. mrs. naugatuck? maude! you called, mum? mrs. naugatuck, mr. findlay would like a word with you. mrs. naugatuck, i'd like to speak to you about your employment.
ys delighted to talk with the master. i'm sorry i have to-- the master? you are the head of the house. well, of course i am. uh, now, uh, won't you sit down? oh, no, sir, no. that's not my place. my place is to make the master comfy. there! thank you. now, then, mrs. naugatuck-- oh, excuse me, sir! there... now, one little tootsie, and another little tootsie. there now. that's better, isn't it? puts a bit of zippity in the ol' doo-dah... it's much better. the ol' doo-dah does feel a little zippier. thank you. thank you. oh, it's a pity.
but the master needn't worry. he'll have me to pamper him. thank you. thank you. well, it's been ever so nice talking like this about my employment. i've enjoyed it thoroughly. thank you. thank you. and, now, if the master doesn't mind, ot a kettle on the boil. i'll make him a spot of tea. oh, the master doesn't mind. two lumps in my spot. ? there's only a god and a beauty queen ? ? a beautiful sight ? did he talk to you? oh, yes. dear, dear, dear mrs. naugatuck. life deals us all such unexpected blows, doesn't it? you know, mr. findlay is such a mercurial creature, so intolerant, on the one hand, and yet, on the other,
hold it, mum. don't get my bloomers in a twist? that's right. i'm staying! oh, thul! won--now, look, you're gon a milliono for the women's rights party tonight. u cafix the hors d'oeuvres, vacuum the living room, dust the furniture, i beg your pardon? the master wants tea, and when i run a household, what the master wawhat's the matter? something tells me, carol, that...
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maude, what are you doing with that? i intend to use it as a muff. uh, mrs. naugatuck. yes, mum? uh, mrs. naugatuck, i don't know what you're accustomed to, but over here, when we put tissue in the bathroom, we place it so that it rolls from the bottom up, not the top down. why? well... because. oh. maude, what the hell is the difference? the difference is why we drive on the right side and she drives on the left. ( british accent ) you old master. shall i take the tissue, mum, and put it in the guest bathroom? yes, thank you, mrs. naugatuck.
( mrs. naugatuck sings ) maude, what's the matter? walter, i don't wish to be picky, but i cannot stand listening to the happy hooker. well, i like her voice. i think hiring mrs. naugatuck was the smartest thing you ever did. i hung the tissue your way, ma'am. wrong side up. eya! eya! you mustn't do that. of the house. comax.over you're on your feet all week at business. mrs. naugatuck, let her mp maude. now, look at it this way. our feet,
walter, we are having a party tonight, so, if you don't mind, why don't you get up off of what you have so much to sit down on? ( mocks mrs. naugatuck ) easetake this trunk upstairs. all right, all right, all right, all right. walter, why did you change your mind about sleep-in help? my only aim in life is to please you. walter, to put it as delicately as possible-- in a pig's eye. and you know how bad i am at directions. i mean it, maude. i mean, besides, i never dreamed she'd be so efficient. how do you know she's efficient, walter? all you've ever seen her do is fluff up your pillow. the truth be known, that fluffer has you wrapped around her little finger. maude, you're jealous! oh, come on. me, jealous? of a bantamweight ex-madam? she probably ran that house
she is not running me. oh, then how come you took her side with the toilet tissue! all i said was, "what's the difference?" how come you didn't say, "what's the difference?" five years ago, when we had that knock-down drag-out fight about the very sue? you know, maude, as we stroll down life's highway, yoecomg more and more paranoid. oh, let me tell you something, walter-- later, maude. you told me to take the trunk upstairs? i'm gonna take the trunk upstairs. ifhesi. well, at least let mep okaythere. ifhesi. you got it? yes. okay, wait a minute. here we go. there you go. you got it? now, maude... ( mrs. naugatuck sings )
show-off? she's terrific. you know what your trouble is, walter? you have a nanny fixation. well, i don't care for that woman's attitude. she's gotta be straightened out, right here and now! maude, i am fed up with this whole issue! do whatever you want! all right, i will. mrs. naugatuck, i would like wh. just when s.. my husband can take care of that. oh, you can't let a man do that, mum. that's woman's work.
i prefer to think of myself as a tall jane fonda. now, the time has come when we must stop d-cls citizens, mrs. naugahide! tuck. whatever. than just maids, housewives, and sex kittens. oh, speak for yourself. i rather enjoy being a sex kitten. you? if god had meant men and women to be the same, he'd have made them the same. , come off it, naugatuck. that is old-fashionedattude. w,n toe. and female roles. you know what's the matter with you, mum?
why, there's no in thworld who loves men more than i do. if you need further proof, may i remind you that four of them mrs. naugatuck, i will not be insulted in my own home! and i will not be told how to handle men in anyone's home! a woman's role is to serve the male. it is everyone's role nterests of others regardless of sex. i'm afraid i cannot have this antiquated thinking in my house. oh, what are you trying to say?! are you giving me the sack?! well, i quit! i wouldn't stay here another minute. good! you'll get a week's pay for your trouble. i don't need your blooming charity. and i don't need you! maude: well, i certainly do not need you! oh, yes, you do! oh, no, i don't! i wouldn't take you if you were the last-- maude, sit! ( mumbling and bickering )
now, listen to me, both of you. the guests will be arriving any minute and you two are standing out here yelling at each other like a couple of adolescent schoolgirls. ( women resume yelling ) quiet! you're always yapping about women's rights. well, mrs. naugatuck is a woman, and she has the right to think whatever she pleases about men, women, or anything else! here, here! let me tell you something. times are changing. but take my word for it, history is gonna be on her side. take my word for-- she is one hell of a woman here, here! i don't care what you do, but let's get this solved because in a few minutes
well, because-- trusty, old broad. feisty, old biddy. ( doorbell ringing ) if you get the door, i'll pack your things. including cyril. oh, good evening! won't you come in? both: good evening! welcome to the findlay residence. oh, dear, are we the first ones here? "the fast is always the best." oh, isn't she charng? man: wouldn't you know maude would hire an english housekeeper? won't you sit down? and i'll get you some drinks. a ginger ale for the lady and a double martini for mister. yes, that's right. woman: what a perfectly lovely delightful creature! how d'you know that was what they wanted?
i wasn't a topless barmaid for nothing. maude, where did you ever find her? she's a gem! yeah, so--so cultured. i love her accent. accent? does mrs. naugatuck have an accent? oh, i'll have to listen for it. you know her last job was in brisbane. she managed a giant household there. oh, carol, carol, would you take the covers off the hot hors d'oeuvres? welcome aboard, mrs. naugatuck. don't worry, ducks. i'll have her eating out of my hand in no time. i hope you made the right decision, mother. oh, don't worry, carol. i'll have her eating out of my hand in no time. ( doorbell ringing ) feisty.
? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? i mean, we finally get a three-day weekend,
a couple of days away in vermont-- a vacation from the demands of marriage? the demands of marriage? top of the morning to you, walter! good morning, buttercup. oh, dry up, arthur. and i'm rarin' to go! whoo-hoo! here, arthur, you forgot your worms. oh, good work, vivian. i wouldn't want to forget these babies. i got 'em wholesale. wholesale? yeah. i got a friend in worms. oh, arthur-- bye, maude! walter! you're gonna be gone for three days! aren't you even gonna kiss me good-bye? the next time you kiss me like that, i'll be facing the other direction.
oh, let's face it, viv, there's only one thing that two lonely, desperate women like ourselves can do in a situation like this. what? go off our diets. mmm. mmm! oh, boy! mmm mmm yum! oh, it's... this is some lunch, huh, viv? mmm mmm! i'll say! this is almost better than sex. almost? uh-huh. wait'll you taste this. huh? yeah? i see what you mean. mmm! oh! oh!
you know, the thing that drives me crazy, viv, is that while we're cooped up in this house with... where's the drawn butter? huh? vivian, there's no more drawn butter! here it is. no more drawn butter! here, here, here! easy, easy, easy! while we're sitting here, cooped up with nothing to do-- uh-huh? boy, that really gave me a start. oh. those two clowns are out on that lake having the time of their lives, laughing, joking. lemen, welcome to the homiest jail in vermont. officer-- will you shut up, arthur?! walter, i resent your attitude. you're the one that was speeding, you know. speeding?! i was only going four miles over the limit! please, fellas, just slow it, just slow it. easy, easy, easy-- walter: leave me alone, arthur! ay up, you know- now, listen, where we come from-- pal, i know all about where you come from. it's the same place i ran away from-- new york, right?
sten-- the traffic, the smog, the crowds, the noise-- what the...( sighs ) the delis, the pollution. huh? the subways, the busses. listen, what the hell does that got to-- and to be perfectly succinct, to get away from loudmouths like you. mouth, officer, mouth. i'm on your side. and you got no gripes coming about this ticket here. i mean, we're the best-known speed trap in new england. i mean, we're-- we're even mentioned by the automobile club. is post a fifty-dollar bond, and you can go home. now, let me see your license. i don't have my license. i'll forget you said that. have you got the $50? no! yeah. well, it's gonna be one of those days. huh. well, it's all this idiot's fault. idiot? well, look, you took all our valuables and put 'em in a knapsack, and now they're all at the bottom of lake willoughby.
all right, just pipe down now-- i saved you from drowning. who was the one who left the heater on in that tent? and who put that heater next to the plastic bucket? and who stood up in the boat and screamed, "the tent's on fire!" and tipped the canoe over? you, you dummy, you! ( tooting ) my brother-in-law put you up to this, right? he sent you two up here to get even with me for having a sister who turned to fat, right? look, officer, as soon as we get home, we'll send you a check. hmm? honest injun, swear on a pigeon. ha ha ha ha ha. that's funny. yeah, that's very funny. as a matter of fact, it's so funny, i'm gonna let you try it out on the judge at 8:00 tomorrow morning. tomorrow morning? i'm not spending any time in any crummy motel around here. do you think i'd let you gentlemen spend any time in any crummy motel around here? no. no, not on your life.
no. in the clink. if you don't mind. i don't believe it, i just don't believe it. oh, please, believe it. my reputation as a crime fighter is at stake. now, officer, look. ha ha. obviously, there's been some little misunderstanding here. ah. and this is my friend walter findlay. he's a well-known appliance dealer. oh. well, well... well, then, then, tell me something-- if you're--if you're such a big-deal appliance dealer, and you're a doctor, then, how come-- how come you're driving a '59 volkswagen camper with naked ladies painted on the side? we borrowed it from my wife's nephew. who is a hippie! he is not. you see, being a doctor, naturally, i drive a cadillac. which is why your patients have to take the bus. now, wait a minute, officer. i can call my wife, and she'll wire you the money.
and they always allow it on kojak. all right. all right, just one. but make it short. sometimes, somebody calls the police. wait a minute, walter, wait a minute! who you gonna call? room service, who do you think i'm calling? maude! no. i say we call vivian. i'm using the phone, and i'm calling maude. all right, supposing she's out, see? you could get carol or phillip. you want to ask a ten-year-old boy for bail? oh. now, we call my house, we get one person and one person only, and that one person is vivian. okay, arthur. for once, you're making a little sense. ( ringing ) answering machine: hello, i'm vivian harmon, and this is a recording. arthur's gone fishing, and i'm spending the weekend at maude's. please wait for the beep and then leave your message. ( beep )
mmm. just hit the spot. i'd like to hit a spot. unh. i'd like to hit walter's bald spot. you know what bugs me? hmm? while we're here compensating for their absence by eating and eating-- pass me the moo goo gai pan-- the minute walter comes off that lake, i know he's gonna run to the nearest telephone my life." uh-huh. ( phone rings ) yeah? there he is, there he is. ( rings ) give me a little makki. ( rings ) hello? yes, walter, i know-- you're having the time of your life.
she hung up. okay, kojak, you had your phone call, so give it. oh, now, wait a minute! i'm not gonna spend any time in a crummy jail around here! come on, now, wait a minute! you know, you're really asking for it, walter, the way you're behaving. i know you're just doing your duty. say, why don't we just 10-4, 4-40, whatever that is? well, that's-- that's good because, you'll forgive me because i forgot that since tomorrow is sunday, the judge won't be here for two days. let's go. walter: two days?! hold it! hey, this is an outrage! hey, come on. you can't do this to us! hold it! hold it, where you going?! to move your camper. all right! you didn't read us our rights! i demand to know my rights! well, you're not under arrest yet. you don't have any rights. well, we'll see about that! he can't treat us like your average common criminal! who are you?
say, uh, you gentlemen are not gonna make too much noise, are ya? i'm, uh, composing my memoirs. by george! extraordinary what these things are like, isn't it? ha ha. i never thought much about it. wow. "there once was a girl from nantucket, who..." hey, you like poetry? i got a sonnet over here. officer! officer! there's some absolutely shocking language-- look, pal, if you're a doctor the way you say you are-- yeah? then, you should be able to tell me what this is. well, let me see. yes, yes, i, uh, i'm experienced with this, uh, clearly from a clinical point of view, of course. uh, that's cannabis. it's what?! commonly known as pot.
i mean, for crying out loud, that's not our stuff! um... uh--uh, wait a minute! that must've been in my nephew's van from before! of course, officer, of course! i'm a prominent physician, it couldn't possibly be mine! it's gonna be an interesting trial. now, is there anything i can get you gentlemen to help while away the time? cards? magazines? five-year calendar? five years?!
it's no use, arthur, it's no use. they're gonna throw away the key! we're nobodies! nameless, faceless nobodies! ? nobody knows ? ? the trouble i've seen ? i must say, you don't handle pressure very well, walter. now, there must be some reasonable way out of this thing. maybe our convict friend here can help us. . hey, sweetheart... uh, what do they got you in the big house for? ah huh. well, i'm in for what you might call black evolution. my great-granddaddy was an immigrant.
and i'm a vagrant. the man is a third-generation bum, walter. well, now, in reality, the only difference between me and you gentlemen is a little matter of speed. you were going through town too fast, and i wasn't going fast enough. say, pal, as a convict with some experience, how would you go about getting out of here if you were us? well... you could take this cup here, see? mm-hmm. and run it across the bars. yeah. and yell and scream and rip up everything. that's what the newspapers call "prison revolt." we call it "recreational therapy." that's ridiculous! i couldn't do a thing like that.
doctor. uh-huh. well, what i'm trying to tell you, prominent doc, is there ain't nothin' we three bums can do. we're in here as long as the man wants to keep us. look, friend, uh, we're in a slightly different position than you are. uh-huh. you see, you're, uh, different. no. that's not quite what i mean to say. uh... arthur-- you see, you're black, you're used to injustice. oh. mm-hmm. look, uh, he didn't mean that either. no. he is pretty close there. arthur, don't you see what he's saying? in here, we're all the same. i could just as well be you. you could just as well be him. or he could just as well be you. well, he'd certainly be getting the best of that deal. arthur, how can you be so thick?!
plates for the next ten years! oh, that's ridiculous, walter! that is ridiculous. we're innocent, we don't belong here! and i happen to believe our penal system works. no, it don't. well, look at it-- it don't even have a seat. gentlemen... i--i have some disquieting news for you. see, i just realized that we're now dealing with a felony. ng judge sweeney. oh, yeah? the hanging judge? the hanging judge?! well, he should be able to get your case on the docket in two or three weeks. two or three weeks?! well, i hope you fellas enjoy my wife's meatloaf because we'll have it for the entire month. walter, you gotta do something! ( phone rings ) don't answer that phone! please don't answer it! that'd be for me! please, let me answer that phone! all right, all right, all right, answer it.
hey, why did you tell phillip you were in jail? oh, well, come on, walter, if you were in jail, you wouldn't be able to answer the phone. what--the canoe tipped over, walter? what? ( laughs ) what? the canoe tipped over! ( laughs ) what? the tent burned down? ( both laughing ) maude! maude, i'm not kidding! stop laughing, maude, and listen! let me have that! maude? maudie, stop laughing and put vivian on the wire. ( both laughing ) it's arthur. arthur? huh? what? ( laughs hysterically ) what? what? what? the hanging judge! oh, arthur, you're such a card! huh?
slap yourself! she...she hung up. probably to slap herself. all right, laurel and hardy, let's go, in you go. how dare you call us laurel and hardy! i am a prominent doctor, and he's... this is another fine mess you've gotten us into. walter, don't you see what's happening? nobody will listen to us! we're nameless, faceless nobodies! you idiot, that's what we've been trying to tell you all along. that's right, sweetheart. let us out of here! yocan't keep us behind bars! we're not animals! we're laurel and hardy!
a-a-a free operation-- tonsils, appendix... a hair transplant! is that a bribe? yes! no. arthur, arthur, please. this isn't going to help. don't panic! i've got more reason to be panicky than you have, walter. i'm a prominent physician. i got a wonderful practice, a wife who loves me. de. if you were in your right mind, i'd punch you right in the nose. sure, kick a man when he's down. arthur, why are we arguing like this! we should stick together! oh, stick together yourself! i was always the good boy! people always looked up to me! even the families of people that died
arthur, please, you're making things worse! what could be worse than being in jail? we could be here two years, three years, more years. you said yourself some kid in texas got 25 years. yeah, but he was black. you probably only'll get ten. what's gonna become of me? i can't sit here and rot for the rest of my life! i'll be so old, vivian won't even recognize me! and she'll be so old, i won't even care! i can't take it!!! let me out of here!!! let me out of here!!! let me out of here!!! i'm a prominent physician!!! i'm a prominent physician!!! i'm a prominent physician!!! let me out of here!!! i've gotta get out of here!!! i can't take it anymore!!! i can't take it anymore!!! take it easy! free arthur harmon! free arthur harmon! free arthur harmon! come on, for crying out loud!!! will you help stop him?!
freedom! help! rape!!! rape? arthur: rape! rape! i didn't touch him. what are you doing in here? police brutality! he's gonna hit us, walter. what are you wrecking my jail for? do you realize somebody's gonna have to clean that up? you ripped--you ripped up the throw pillows my wife made me for christmas. you... get out of here! what? if you think i'm gonna put up with you guys, you're nuts! this is new york all over again! you are the worst prisoners i've ever seen in my life, right? right. here, take your lousy speeding ticket and get out of my life. right.
wrong. ( flushing ) now, you haven't seen any evidence, have you? why'd you do that? i could've smoked it faster than that! come on--out, out! walter: thank you, sir. thank you, officer. thank you very much-- officer: now, please, stop-- okay, we're going! go! in! is ain't a general amnesty? noyou're... you're a model prisoner. ( door shuts ) ( sighs )