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tv   CBS Evening News With Scott Pelley  CBS  November 14, 2016 6:30pm-7:00pm EST

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captioned by the national captioning institute captioning made possible by sony pictures television
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my favorite part about being a dad is just to see their faces in the morning when i wake them up. the first thing you think about is your wife and your kids and your family. you think about what life would be like for them, without you. so i had surgery locally, and it came back after my follow up that i needed a second surgery. and that's when i said i need a second opinion. from the moment i walked through the doors, fact that they included me in the whole process and asked me what i wanted to do. it makes you feel like you're part of the family. rod came in with ah, pretty advanced cancer and i remember thinking, he's just like me, he's like my twin. we're almost the same age, the same height- he's much more athletic- but almost the same life circumstances as far as having kids and raising a family, he just happens to have cancer. for rod, we combined chemotherapy,
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so that the surgeon could take it out. i feel like this was the right way for me, and the right treatment for me, and the right process for me to go through. the diagnosis of cancer is one of those things that you want an answer now. we can do now here, and that is something that they appreciate because we match the sense of urgency that they have. if you or a loved one have been diagnosed with cancer, start your treatment with a team of experts who only treat cancer, every stage, every day. at cancer treatment centers of america, it's not one thing we do, it's the only thing we do. call or visit for more information. it's a new normal for me right now, makes you appreciate the little things in life. every moment counts. the evolution of cancer care is here. cancer treatment centers of america.
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let me see here. 3 pitchers, 2 tennis rackets, 4 knickknacks with 3 nicks. listen, can you count to yourself? i'm trying to read wall street. you mean "sesame street." hey, pop, you could help me with this, you know. i mean, calvin, the accountant, is gonna be here any minute. yeah, i know i could help you, but it would be wrong. what are you talking about? you remember that show we saw on tv where that lady was living with the family of--of chimpanzees? jane goodall? i think it was called "goodall and the family." what about it?
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for a parent to step back and let the child do something on his own. yeah, well, the parent has to be standing up before he can step back. son, do you think i'm comfortable sitting here watching you do all the work? well, you look pretty comfortable to me. yeah, that's because you see with your eyes and not with your brains. see, you got 20/20 vision and 0/0 brains. look, now you know and i know that the reason you're sitting the is because you're lazy. yeah. think that. that's because you have eyes that see not, and you should trade 'em in on some lips that swell not. [knocking sound] must be the door. come on in. it's open, calvin. good evening. good evening! good evening!
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how much are you gonna charge us to do the taxes this year? oh, for you, same as last year-- $5.00 plus 10% of how much i lie about. hey, wait a minute. what lying? i didn't know nothing about no lying. it's not exactly a lie. it's just that we found a little deduction, and it was disallowed later. well, like what? well, i donated my private papers to the archives of the junk institute of america. uh, just-- just a second. where is the junk institute of america? in the lobby. look, calvin, there'll be no cheating, all right? well, in that case, i'll have to charge you 10 bucks. 5. 9? 5. 7? 5. i'll tell you what-- 5. that's what i was gonna tell you. hey, pop, you got those books?
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here's the books. that's the money-- that's the money we laid out for expenses. how did you arrive at this amount? uh, with these. and see, those are the expenses. in there? no. on here. see, the ones in pencil, those are the business expenses. and the ones in crayon, that's the household expenses. got it. wait a minute. and here's the receipt the lady gave me from the heart fund no amount on it. i didn't give her nothing. you see, i conned her out of this receipt. now you can write something on it. hey, wait a minute. that's cheating, man! that's not cheating. it is so. saying that you gave money when you didn't give anything is cheating. what do you mean, i didn't give anything? i have a heart condition, don't i? yeah, but that's not-- all right, then. i didn't take any money from the heart fund, did i? no, but that's--
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but i didn't take nothing, so it's like handing them $200. what made you decide on $200? why not 1,000? why not 10,000? why not write down a million? yeah, calvin. put a million down there. you put that down there, and you're going to jail. take that off, calvin. you got it. 200. hey, pop, you know that that's wrong what you're doing there. no, son, listen. this is america. this is the land of freedom and justice, where a poor man has the same opportunity as the rich to cheat on his taxes. too much mayonnaise. not enough garlic. yeah, a little garlic.
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whew. ah, delicious. too much brick. ooh. go easy. aah. easy, ah chew. is that you, son? yeah. it's-- it's me, pop. you all right? why don't you come out here and see? 'cause it sounded like you're gonna throw up, and i don't want you to throw up on me. come back easy. lay back. gee whiz. you here again? listen, why you always hang out with him?
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hey, what you got, man, the black plague? hey, pop, why don't you leave ah chew alone, man? he's my friend, and he's trying to help me. well, if he's through helping, let chiang kai check out. [lamont groans] how did you hurt your back? you know that boiler i picked up from dayton scrap and steel? it fell off the back of the truck, d i must have strained every muscle in my back trying to get it on there. well, hey, man, that boiler is a two-man gig. i'm hip. well, mr. sanford, you could have been on that truck to help him. listen, ping pong... when i want your advice, i'll give it to you. i've been busy all day getting my dip ready... dope. you want some? why don't you offer our guest some first? we have guests?
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and make him feel welcome? i will. ah chew, there's outside. you're welcome to it. what is that? what is it? yeah. this is pig feet, pig snoot-- see the one with the holes in it? that's snoot. and sardines and oysters and a quart and a half of mayonnaise and just a smidgen of garlic. what do you call it? the mayo clinic. [knock on door] come on in! come on in! good evening. say, listen, calvin, you got everything all right? i certainly did. i must... i see. listen, as long as this is personal business, i really should split. you should split whether it's personal, impersonal, or monkey. hey, man, why don't you dig yourself, pop? nah, it's cool, lamont. i can take a hint.
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lamont: hey, ciao, chew. all right, calvin. how we doing? well, according to my calculations, you owe the united states government 10 bucks with or 20 bucks without. with or without what? cheating. son, we owe $10. say, wait a minute. between the two of us, we only make $7,000 a year. now, how come we owe anything at all? well, you got no deductions, no major expenses, and not a penny for charity. charity? when you're only getting $3,000 a year from social security, yeah, but look. now, you only made $4,000 in the junk business last year and your $3,000 social security. now, that's only 7,000 bucks. now, i think it'd be a good idea if lamont went out and got a job for 6, 7 thou and gave up the junk business. you think i paid you $5.00 to tell me to close down sanford and son? well, you can still keep sanford and son. it's just a name.
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sanford and son is a tradition. it's a way of life. it's a dynasty. it's an empire. you look around here-- the greatest pile of junk in the world! but, fred-- case closed, calvin. get a dip. make a trip. must have been too much brick in it. you know, pop, i think calvin's got something there. yeah. it was just the dip. no, no, no, no, no. i mean about me getting a job. you're not really gonna get a job, are you? i think we should give some serious thought to it, pop. ok, we'll give some thought to it.
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i made up my mind, pop. i'm gonna go out and get a job and bring some more money into this house. we don't need no more money in this house.
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hey, you're not looking for a job, are you, son? i certainly am. just about everything in here is $500 a month. that's $6,000 a year. is something in there for you? i ain't got my glasses. yeah. there's something for you right here. "wanted: dummy. $6,000 a year." give me this paper. howdy, fred. you know, calvin, you ought to go try to find a brain cell. and find a cheap one...
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oh, there's nothing wrong with my brains. it's you that's not thinking right-- sitting around here moping all day long when you should be happy you're retired. yeah, but at least then i knew outside i had an empire. now i ain't got nothing but a "clarence sale" sign. oh, you've got a son who's very happy making 6 thou a year, that's what you got. he ain't happy. oh, he says he's happy. well, he ain't. y not? because...because he got a father that is a failure. oh, how can you call yourself a failure? why, you got-- you got-- you got a point there, fred. lamont: that's exactly what i mean, and i really can't understand it. no, none at all, and we haven't had any in weeks.
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but we can always order some. lamont is a nice young man, but he's new and he probably doesn't know where things are. if--if--if we don't have it, i'll promise you i'll get it. we can always get it, lamont. now, what was it we haven't had? rain. some shirts have come into the back. i see i ain't gonna have this job long. hello, dummy. say, pardon me, miss. you work here?
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a birthday present for my husband. why don't you get a face mask? i was thinking, you know, one of those masks, you know, like you wear to bed. oh. i never thought of that. oh, you must have. that's the big thing now. you can get the pajamas and the mask, and, you know, if you got a water bed, you can get some flippers. my husband and i sleep in a regular bed. you and your husband sleep together? for 28 years. well, then, forget the robe. get him some bifocals. now, this looks like a nice robe. you look about his size. would you mind trying it on to give me some idea? i can give you some idea without trying it on. oh, is that right? yeah, now, you want to please your husband, don't you?
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omen put on so they can look pretty? yes. well, take yours off. well, i never. maybe that's the reason. may i help you, sir? no. i know how to feel ties. they're not supposed to be felt. i know they're not felt. they're silk. i've felt more silk than i've felt felt. do you wish to purchase one? are you the owner? yes. i am. then i do not wish to purchase one. well, then-- i wish to purchase 10. oh, ye--10? yeah. well, i'll be happy to sell you 10. you can't sell me nothing. see, i heard about a salesman that you have here in your haberdashery,
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ash? this is a haberdashery, ain't it? well--well--well, yes, yes. well, i want to buy $200-$300 worth of haberdash. oh, yes. yes, indeed. what was the salesman's name? i think his name was... lamont stanford? oh, y-y-yeah. frantford? almont-- it's sanford. sanford. helmut danteen? no, no. it's lamont. lamont. it's lamont. sanford. sanford. lamont sanford! lamont: yeah? did somebody-- pop? what are you doing here, pop? pop? yes. gerhard popwell. everybody calls me "pop" for short. listen, i got some money to spend if you'll sell me some things. well, lamont, take care of the gentleman. show him all of our haberdash. our what? haberdash. this is a haberdashery, isn't it? show him our haberdash. yeah, right. hey, pop, what are you doing here?
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d i am of you. for crying out loud. ah, yes. i'll take several of these, and i'd like a shirt. you got black on black? oh, you could order some, lamont. no. i wanted to wear it tonight. and please, don't butt in. the sweaters are right over here. thank you. say, couldn't you wait until i got home? yeah, but listen, son. i figured i'd make you look good if i come down here and bought $200 worth of stuff. where did you get $200 from? the bank. listen, do you have anything arments? uh, no, but can i interest you in a silk boxer? no. i got a doberman. hey, pop, what you take-- what you take the money out of the bank for? that's all the money we got in the world. i wanted you to get credit for a big sale. that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. then in a couple of weeks, calvin can bring the stuff back, and then you can give him the money for the refund. we don't give refunds.
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i'm partial to blue. uh, certainly, sir. we don't give refunds. i've never been insulted like that in my whole life. is something wrong? what did he say? what happened? don't listen to him. he's new. he doesn't know anything. he's a little bit stupid. now, wait-- i'll wait on you. lamont, back to the boxes. now, what can i show you? i'd like to see something in black. ah... your eye. aah! say, son-- i don't want to hear about it. but let me explain-- i said i don't want to hear about it. but it was one of those-- and you didn't have to go back in that store and knock over that tie rack. but he called you a ni-- i know what he called me, and you didn't have to go back up in there and put up that "clarence sale" sign, either. well, did you find another job? nothing in here that i want. i want something that says, "partner, boss." everything in here says, "employee."
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and be the president of sanford and son. you mean that? of course i do, man. and i'm gonna start working harder at making the business better. now, there's no reason that we can't double our income if we both pitch in. yeah. instead of making $3,000 a year, we'll make $6,000 a year. right. yeah, see, all you gotta do is go to work earlier and work later. right. and that way, you can pick up twice as much junk. you got it. yeah. and then you can stay home on sundays and sell. wait a minute. wait a minute. wait a minute. what are you gonna be doing when i'm doing all the work ll be asleep. see you, man. hold it. hold it. hold it. hold it. wait a minute. when i'm taking a shorter lunch period and working on sundays, what are you gonna be doing? i'll be doing like any president. i'll be running my operation from my oval office. yeah, but i thought you said that i could be president.
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i've lied before. you mean to tell me you're gonna stand here and admit to me that you lied? no, it's not--see, when the president lies, it's not called a lie.
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hey, pop, what are you doing down here in the middle of the night? well, son, i couldn't sleep. you know, i was thinking about what you said about me not doing my share... and i'm gonna do something about it. i'm gonna bring some big money in this house. hey, i think that's great, pop, but why don't you go back to bed now so you'll be able to work with me on the truck tomorrow? i ain't talking about working on no truck. i'm talking about big money. real big money. i should have thought about it a long time ago. i'm gonna write a book about my life. heh heh he heh heh hell. other people-- other people write a lot of books and stuff about stuff they did and make a fortune. you mean to tell me you think people are gonna pay their hard-earned cash to read about the memoirs of fred sanford? i'm not gonna call it that. i got some tricky names that i'm gonna put in there. want to hear them? no.
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good night, pop. i know what i'll call it. i'll name it after you: "the day of the jackass." captioning made possible by sony pictures television
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? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? good times ? ? ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? ? good times ? ? hanging in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ?


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