tv North Carolina News at 500PM CBS November 16, 2016 5:00pm-6:00pm EST
wow! ? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ?
( door creaks ) ( snorting ) ( door slams ) maude, there's a prowler in the house. get up. what are you doing up? prowling. at 3:00 in the morning? i'm sorry, walter, these are the peak hours for prowlers. well, i got a big day at the store tomorrow. the matter? no, nothing-- uh, just a touch of insomnia. you go back to sleep. you never once had trouble sleeping in the six years we've been married. and for the four months before that. that's three months, walter, don't brag. just go to sleep, and i'll be there in a few minutes.
i'll be on my feet from early morning till late at night. you know i can't get to sleep until you come to bed. all right. all right, all right, all right, walter. i'll come to bed. good! but i guarantee you, i won't be able to sleep. try! i'll try, walter, but it won't work. ( sighs ) you're not trying. yes, i am! close your eyes! oh. i forgot. now i can't sleep. maude, i'm sorry, i--
damn! ( slams window shut ) what's the matter? what the--what? damn! damn! damn! walter, could you give me just a little more information than that? you want to know what's wrong? i'll tell you what's wrong. tomorrow's my 14th annual indian summer clearance sale, and there's a raging blizzard outside! damn. i'm gonna go broke. how am i gonna sell summer merchandise in the middle of a snow storm? s ) who could be calling at 3:00 in the morning? hello? no, this is not ginger. how's my what?! boy, do you have the wrong number! how can i have a sale in weather like this?! stop snowing out there!
ome other day! walter, please, calm down. maude, i have merchandise-- walter, you are going to have a nervous breakdown! nothing is worth all this. ( phone rings ) oh, forget it, maude! i shouldn't have bothered you with my business problems. ( rings ) hello? no, this is not ginger. no, this is peaches, ginger's roommate. yeah. it's ginger's night off. you...you're an odd fellow from pittsburgh? no, i'm not busy. no, you can't miss it-- it's on dover street, right over the all-night pizzeria. yeah. oh, and, uh, pick up an anchovy pizza. we'll roll around in it italian-style.
come on, let's try and get some sleep. no. you go ahead, walter, i couldn't possibly. if i can, you can. whatever your problem is, it's not as half as important as mine. and just what do you mean by that? okay, maude! tell me what your problem is! oh, lord, i'm getting a headache. st your charger plate? you broke a fingernail? you can't decide what to serve the ladies at your meeting-- shrimp puffs or cheese balls? that's all you think i have to think about, walter?! shrimp puffs or cheese balls? actually, i've decided on, uh, mock tuna birds. no. you still think that women are senseless, don't you, walter? you think of us as senseless little creatures with trivial problems.
eadache. look, all i said was, compared to men, you women have it made. how do you like that? now i find the suppositories. have you any idea what it's like to be a man nowadays?! i'm afraid not, walter. on the advice of my priest, i gave up being a man shortly after world war ii. i have to take care of this whole house. i have to worry about the world! is. penicillin from 1968! but no aspirin! well, if you had a social disease instead of a headache, we could cure it. very funny, maude. but there's no aspirin! here, eagle eye! ( phone rings ) hello? yes, peaches here. you--you want to bring along a friend?! of course! the more, the merrier.
i have penicillin from 1968. stop calling this number! you see, walter? and you think that we women don't have real problems. okay, maude, tell me what your problem is. i'll forget everything that's on my mind while i'm strangling to death with business problems. so, go ahead, tell me about your serious, serious problem. all right, i will. and, darling, thank you so much your precious time to tell you about my little, little problem. walter, my sink is not sparkling white. and as if that weren't enough-- oh, lord, how do i tell him-- i found out that my housecoat has ring around the collar. maude! ring around the collar! ring around the collar-- maude! ring around the collar! oh, and one other thing, walter,
you what? ( sighs ) hysterectomy, walter. you'll find it in the dictionary right after hysteria and hysterical. oh, my god. oh, honey, honey, i didn't mean to break it to you like this! maude, i'm sorry, i--i-- ah. you must be scared to death. i am. but, honey, dr. dicehart said that it's not a serious operation. i mean, there were just a few little things wrong, and he feels i should have it taken care of now. maude, maude--and here i'm talking about business. oh. maude, sweetheart, if anything happened to you, i-- oh, walter. look, walter, the doctor said that he is reasonably sure
he wants me to have the operation. don't you think we should get a second opinion? walter, if a woman can't trust her own gynecologist, who can she trust? i still think you should-- i already did. ( sighs ) come on. walter, sweetheart, it's a very simple operation. everybody's having it done. nancy hopsin started the whole thing when she had hers. nancy hopsin had one? when? oh, years ago. she had her hysterectomy even before she got color tv oh, boy, what a night. ugh. you know, now that it's out in the open, walter, i can't tell you how much better i feel. maude...are you sure that-- honey, honey. there is nothing to worry about. everything is gonna be all right. sure it will.
your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. make the switch to liberty mutual and see why we've been awarded highest in customer satisfaction by j.d. power. call for a free quote today. liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. oh, lord, walter, i'll be a mess-- obese, my voice will change. god'll get you for what you're thinking, walter. where are you getting all this nonsense? what did the doctor say?
and, besides, he was busy-- a waiting room full of patients. honey, why didn't you ask him while he was examining you? obviously, you have never been to a gynecologist. oh, walter, so many people have loved this face. i wonder what it's gonna look like with 5:00 shadow. maude, it's time that we found out what the facts really are. what are you doing? . you are not calling arthur harmon at 3:00 in the morning. why not?! he's a doctor! walter, i don't want anybody to know about the operation until it's over. besides, you know what a blabbermouth vivian is. oh, walter. walter, what's to become of us? what's to become of our love life? absolutely nothing. you can say that again.
, we'll never be the same. you'll no longer find me desire-- where are you going? to the bathroom. you see? you're losing interest already. walter, if you're not out in two minutes, i'm selling the bed! hello, arthur, it's walter. listen, i gotta talk to you. well, you're a doctor, aren't you?! come on, i already took a couple of aspirin, arthur. arthur, this is urgent! no, just come as you are. i'll meet you at the back door. ( flushing )
okay, walter, what's up? and don't tell me the toilet seat. okay, maude, i'll tell you what's up. i just called arthur, and i asked him to come over. well, walter, i asked you not to! you're driving yourself crazy, and you're driving me crazy! now, once and for all, we're gonna get the facts from arthur! but why must it be arthur?! because arthur is a doctor, and he's my best friend! walter, two wrongs do not make a right! ( knock on door ) coming. i'm coming, i'm coming. i'm coming! ( wind howling ) come in, arthur. arthur... listen, sit down and take off your coat.
well, you said, "come as you are." i'll tell you something, walter, if you're not awfully sick, i'm gonna be furious! arthur, it's maude. she has to have a hysterectomy. i know that. how do you know? dr. dicehart told me. he's a tenant in one of my buildings. now, walter, let me tell you something-- today, hysterectomies tend to be a fad, like frisbees. lots of women are having needless hysterectomies. but not dr. dicehart's patients. he's a very fine physician. arthur, maude is so scared, she hasn't slept a wink all night. well, maybe i'd better have a little talk with her. she won't talk to you! oh, don't be too sure, walter. there are two things that no woman can ever pass up-- a telephone and free medical advice. arthur-- see? listen, arthur, maybe walter is right. maybe i should talk to you. of course, maudie, any help i can be.
no, no, no, no. i'll be more comfortable with it on, thanks. arthur, if you keep your coat on, you'll catch cold. no!!! i got nothing on underneath. catch cold. come on, sit down over here, maudie. now, listen, i know all the things that you're worried about-- fuzz on the face, fat farm fantasies, the ugly duckling syndrome-- nothing but old wives' tales. a hysterectomy is a simple operation. as a "south-of-the-border tonsillectomy." that's hilarious, arthur. uh, look, arthur, arthur, i heard what you said about old wives' tales.
i mean about... you know, when i-- i mean, you know, walter and i... well, you know, it takes two to tango. oh, you'll be able to dance. that's not what i mean!!! oh? oh! oh, maudie, i can't emphasize too strongly not to worry. nowadays, with pills and hormones, you'll be like a new woman, a classic-- like a 1928 packard with a rebuilt engine. a 1928 packard. you know, arthur, my father had a '28 packard. you know where he kept it? in the garage, up on blocks. maude. arthur...
fine. all you have to do is prove to her that you will love her as much after the operation as you do now. and you will, walter. nothing's gonna change. thanks, arthur. okay. good night. good night. perfect weather for your indian summer sale. get out of here. ( sighs ) in my declining years, they can bury me in a bunker. maude, darling, sweetheart. what was that, walter, a mercy kiss? there you go again! i talk to you, arthur talks to you, but nothing matters, huh, maude?
honey, it's not me i'm concerned about, it's you. walter, you're so vibrant, you're so vital, you're so alive, you're so virile. i mean, you're such a man that i know in my heart, when i turn into grandma moses, you're going to cheat like a bandit. that's it! that's it! that does it! look, walter-- i gotta get some sleep. two, i'll never convince you of anything. and, three, since you're so positive i won't find you attractive, i better start getting used to separate beds. i see. okay, walter.
you know, darling, i know it's childish, but i'm still scared to death about the operation. not just that operation, but any operation. well, then, maybe we ought to do something to take your mind off it. oh, walter, sweetheart, i really have to get some sleep. i have to be at the hospital at 9:00 for some tests. tests? what kind of tests? oh, just--they call it a medical clearance. it's just a routine, you know, checkup that they want to give me before i go into the hospital next week. oh, well, if that's all it is-- ( growling ) walter, please. why not?
? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra-burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? mrs. naugatuck, who made this lousy coffee? i did.
enjoy your day off. oh, thank you. ta-ta. walter, what's wrong with mother this morning? maybe she had a cup of coffee. every time i try to talk to her, she just stares at me and shakes her head "no." don't take it personally, carol. she did the same thing to me all last night. where are you going so early? i'm driving up to albany to pick up phillip, remember? it's his last day with his father. oh, yeah. hello and good-bye, mother. i don't talk to strangers. mother? you're a stranger, carol, a complete stranger. only a complete stranger could do to her mother what you've just done to me. mother, for the last time, what's wrong? keep your voice down, stranger. you want walter to find out? i don't even know what-- shh.
never to be brought up as long as i live. what was that man doing in your room last night? what? don't tell me, i don't want to know. a man in my room. i should be so lucky. carol, if you wanna be a tramp, i was young once, and can understand that. but to lie to your own mother! i'm not lying! i distinctly heard a man's laughter from upstairs last night :17. and don't tell me it was walter. he does a lot of things in the bedroom, but laughing isn't one of them. not since he turned 50. well, all i can say is you must've been dreaming. i was definitely not dreaming, carol. if i'm going to dream about a man sneaking into a bedroom, it won't be your bedroom. then you're hearing things.
number one, i didn't have a man in my room last night. number two, i'm not in the habit of doing things like that. and three, you know me. you love me. i'm your daughter. you should believe me. oh, carol. carol, i believe you. that's better. just don't let it happen again. all right, all right. this is a crazy house. i live in a crazy house. hello, have you met my mother? she's crazy. walter, walter, i love carol, and i have never, ever doubted her. but walter, there was a man in her room last night. i'm positive.
what's that, darling? raise her rent. you know, darling, there is a god, and he is capable of getting you. so just in case he's passing over tuckahoe, don't push it. ( doorbell ) i knew it. i knew it. carol has a guilty conscience, and she's coming back to apologize. walter, fix your hair. darling, i forgive you. i forgive you. how did you know we broke all the buttons? a lucky guess. eddie, isn't there some mistake? i don't have anything at the cleaners. it's for your houseguest. the duchess of naugatuck. our mrs. naugatuck? the duchess of naugatuck? yeah. where is she? eddie, have you been sniffing the spot remover again? don't worry. i won't blab it around. she told me the whole thing.
a direct descendant of henry the eighth. well she does look a little like charles lawton. oh, eddie, tell me, what does she owe you? uh, it's no charge. it's on the house. eddie, no charge? well, she promised us an autographed picture to hang in the shop of her playing croquet with the queen mother. well, if it means free cleaning, i'll give you an autographed picture of me. doing what? with your prices, you name it, i'll do it. no! ( door slams ) we really have to do something about mrs. naugatuck. i mean, this running around town telling these wild stories. who knows, maude, maybe she is royalty. oh, come on, walter. do you know what she told them at the delicatessen? her grandmother was the illegitimate child of queen victoria and eddie cantor. then she talked them out of a package
i'll hang these in the duchess's room. maybe you'd better not, maude. you know, how she is about anybody going into her room. she's an absolute nut on privacy. well, today's her day off, walter. she went into town to do a little shopping and lying. i would just go in, hang up the clothes and out! no snooping! walter, have you ever seen me snoop? no. then follow me. you know, maude, this will be the first time i've ever been in her room. you'll think you're in england. she has everything in there but big ben. ( ? clock chimes ? )
r flea market. maude. maude, look at this. she was a b-girl on the titanic. did she actually tell you that? no, the shoemaker did. "ducks, i'll always love you." who's the guy with his arm around her? walter, that's winston churchill. oh, i thought he looked familiar. she claims that they had an affair no kiddin'. oh, come on, walter. she obviously pasted his face on somebody else's body. which accounts for him
some place. that is the man that i heard laughing last night. so it was mrs. naugatuck. look at the bright side, maude, maybe the guy from carol's room sneaked in here. will you? walter, do something. good morning. morning. i don't wish to be rude, but what the hell are you doing in the closet? everybody's gotta be someplace. sorry about that. i overheard you through the door. i told you there was a simple explanation. well! you two have got a lot of cheek,
never mind that, mrs. naugatuck, who is that man in your closet? it's no bloomin' business of yours. that's who that man is in my closet. i'm sorry for this intrusion, alfie. just stay where you are, dear. walter, do something. madam, this is my room. out, both of you. walter. mrs. naugatuck, i think you owe us an explanation. i said, out! if you won't tell us, i'll ask him. what's it all about, alfie? i'll give you two trespassers five seconds to clear out of here! one... two... five! mrs. naugatuck!
oing? out! but this is my home! it is not your home! it is my room! i don't believe this. our housekeeper has a man in her room, he stays. we get thrown out, and it's our fault. walter, we've just been evicted from a room in our own home. what gripes me, is she did it so easily. one, two, five. she really has a lot of nerve, and i'm going to get to the bottom of it. ( pounding on door ) mrs. naugatuck! yes. i demand that you tell me what that naked man is doing in your closet! beats me.
would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi
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what was that man doing in your room all night? he wasn't in my room all night. he didn't sneak in until well past midnight. besides, it's my room. it's sacred to me. it's a little piece of my beloved homeland oh, come on, mrs. naug... "ah, the sceptered isle. "this precious stone set in a silver sea. "this blessed"-- please, mrs. naugatuck. please, i have not finished. "this earth, "this realm, this england." william shakespeare. balzac, mrs. naugatuck. i was sure it was shakespeare.
every time you get in a jam, you try to weasel out of it with your cornball poetry. oh, you have got your oysters in a stew, haven't you? you keep my oysters out of this. don't you walk away from me. mrs. naugatuck, i have every reason to be furious. would you be furious if i was to tell you, that alfie was my nephew, and that he got into town around midnight and asked me to put him up? no, i--i guess i wouldn't. very well then, in that case, alfie's my nephew... this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard! you stop evading. what are you doing? i'm gonna make alfie a sandwich. you can take it out of me severance pay. sev--sever-- you are not quitting! well there you are, you see. you don't believe anything i say. mrs. naugatuck!
in australia, that you were once a drag racer in burma, and that as a baby, you were suckled by a wolf in tanganyika. well, you must admit, it beats the hell out of being a housewife. how would you know? all you've been all your life is a liar. i don't believe anything you say at any time, about anything. y incapable of telling one simple truth. well, i'll tell you three truths. one, alfie is my nephew, and he comes from a lovely little town called chipping campden, and he's the world's tallest professional tango dancer. the world's tallest professional tango dancer?
freddy. you said his name was alfie. yes, it is. alfie freddy. yes, it's a very common english name. you know something, mrs. naugatuck, you are hopeless. you are impossible. i'm very sorry you don't believe me, mum. but if you don't want to believe me, i can't force you to. actually... quite a lot of people don't believe me. what does matter is that i believe me. hello, hello, hello. what is it love? oh, over there, dear. alfie, this woman will not believe your reputation as a tango dancer. and i am here to prove it.
es? mrs. naugatuck, where do you think you're going? upstairs to pack! listen, uh, i'm sorry about my appearance upstairs in the closet. but uh, if i'd known we were going to be formally introduced, i'd've put me skivvies on. oh well, thanks for the hospitality anyway. any time. our closet is your closet. well, i really must be running along to work. my boat sails at 3:00. aah! i knew it. you're a sailor. gor blimey, no. i'm a tango instructor on a cruise ship. sounds like an interesting job. and dangerous. in bad weather, i've danced overboard three times. mr. freddy, uh, one question. are you really her nephew?
then i'm her nephew. i don't know what to believe. why don't you try believing what she believes? may i tell you something? she loves you people. and she loves working here. she hasn't got a soul left in the world, you know that? only her dreams and her illusions. you take those stories away from her. she'll be left with nothing. oh, i know, she may stretch the truth a bit here and there. but she's not hurting anyone, now, is she? oh, i--i know but, i mean, a housekeeper to tell people that she's the duchess of naugatuck. oh, but she is, you know. she is? you're joking. not at all. her first husband was the, uh, duke. that would make him my uncle. poor bleeder. went off on a fox hunt one st. swindon's day,
never saw the ruddy burke again. that's right. well i really must be popping along. cheery bye. well, i'll be. walter, what i did to that lady is inexcusable. i don't care if he's her nephew or uncle, or babysitter, ( crying, sniffling) ( knock on door ) who is it? it's me, mrs. naugatuck. may i come in? no!
you're too late! oh, but mrs. naugatuck. you had your chance, and you bungled it. if you was to go down on your hands and knees and beg, it wouldn't be no good. anyone who doubts my veracity obviously doesn't want me around. and if i'm not wanted, i leave. so i'm leaving. oh, mrs. naugatuck, i don't want you to leave. then i'll stay. but on one condition-- that when i have overnight guests, i don't want any flack from you. now, is that clear? yes, mrs. naugatuck. because i honestly, sincerely believe that alfie is your nephew. you do? i do. oh, thank you, mum. i'm not one to fib. never have, never will. i must confess, uh,