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tv   North Carolina News at 500PM  CBS  November 21, 2016 5:00pm-6:00pm EST

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captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? she was a sister who really cooked ? isadora was a first bra burner ? and when the country was falling apart ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? and then there's maude ? and then there's maude ? and then there's maude ? and then there's maude ? and then there's maude ? and then there's maude ? and then there's that uncompromising enterprising ? anything but tranquilizing right on maude! ?
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e going to blow thee on. (audience laughing) mrs. naugatuck, this is going to be a fabulous party, the most fantastic party ever. i mean, i guarantee you, this is not going to be one of those typical new year's eve disasters where all the guests sit around waiting for guy lombardo to come on while two drunks throw up in their paper hats. (audience laughing) your dull party's going to be any better? - because i have a big surprise, the greatest, most fun-filled idea i have ever had for a party. and i'd tell you what it is, except you have a big mouth. (audience laughing) - i couldn't care less. - you're going to hear it whether you want to or not. (audience laughing) do you know what it is? do you know what it is? something that hasn't been done in years.
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isn't that marvelous? i planted little gifties all over the house. the guest who finds the most little gifties gets a really big giftie as a prize. - what's the prize? a paper hat to throw up in? (audience laughing) - mrs. naugatuck, don't be silly. it's going to be a jolly time. viv, isn't it going to be a jolly time? - oh, shut up, maude. maude, just look at this. these crumbs were a cake for your party tonight until my microwave oven blew up. (audience laughing) it's all your fault. - my fault? - yes, if it weren't for your dump party, i could have gotten another day's use out of my oven. i just hate new year's eve parties. - oh, vivian, you are going to have the best time you have ever had at a party tonight because i have a brilliant idea, vivian, a surprise. - just hope it's better than your party last year when we all sat around waiting for guy lombardo and george freebody threw up in his paper hat.
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i spoke to estelle ellinger today. - [maude] so did i. do you know that she had the nerve to call up and sniff around for an invitation? i did not invite her. - vivian! how could you invite estelle and herman ellinger to my party? they're always fighting. - well, so are you and walter. i thought we could use a little variety. (audience laughing) - well, i'll tell you one thing. tonight's party is foolproof. not even the ellingers can ruin it. happy new year, arthur. - happy new year, my metatarsal arch! (audience laughing) - what's the matter, sweet-ums? - i had a flat tire on the thruway. - [maude] aw.
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- then he helped you change your tire? - he did no such thing. he robbed me. he held me up. he got $35 and a month's supply of rubber fingers. (audience laughing) how i hate new year's eve parties. everybody gets drunk and asks for free medical advice. - what really bothers arthur is he gets drunk e laughing) - listen, arthur, i promise you, even you are going to have a ball tonight. philip, philip, philip, philip, philip ... how would you like to do grandma a little favor for her party tonight? - leave me a lone, grandma. i'm a kid and i'm cranky! (audience laughing) - vivian, how would you like to do grandma a little favor tonight, and at the stroke of midnight come downstairs wearing a diaper? (audience laughing)
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that's just a little extra trimming. (audience laughing) - [mrs. naugatuck] not for what i'm getting paid. (audience laughing) - happy new year! - at last, at last somebody with a little holiday spirit. - i'll see you all in '75. i'm going right to bed. (audience laughing) - walter, you come right back down here. - maude, don't give me a hard time. i just found out why he had such a big belly. he walked out of the store with two toasters, a clock-radio and a portable color television set! (audience laughing) - the same to you, philip! one more word out of you and i'm going to wake you up and force you to come down to your grandmother's lousy new year's eve party. (audience laughing) - let me tell you something, little lady. it's still not too late for me to force you to take accordion lessons. (audience laughing)
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- don't snap at walter, vivian. (arguing) - come on, now, wait a minute. it's new year's eve. we're supposed to be celebrating, remember? - [carol] celebrating what? - there's nothing to celebrate. because of inflation, i'm going broke! '74 was the worst year of my life. - i agree with walter. it was a terrible year. - watergate, the energy crisis. - [vivian] and those disgusting movies, the green door and the devil and miss jones. - disgusting is right. - listen, i'll grant everybody that '74 wasn't such a hot year, but we can celebrate the coming year, 1975. - '75 is going to be even worse. - who says so? - president ford says so, and he never says anything. (audience laughing & applauding) - now listen here, walter, you have no business
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(all talking at once) - knock it off, walter! knock it off, carol. knock it off, viv. knock it off, arthur. (door slams) knock it off, philip! (audience laughing) look, i grant you all that there is usually nothing duller in the world than a new year's eve party, and i'll also grant you that there's not much to celebrate about '74 or '75, but, kids, i have the world's greatest new year's eve party idea. you want to know what it is? come on, beg me. beg me, beg me, beg me. enough begging, i'll tell you. (audience laughing) but i must swear you all to secrecy. i don't want any of the other guests to hear about this. this is something ... are you ready? are you ready? a scavenger hunt. - [walter] what?
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it is a lost art. i've hidden little gifties all over the house. (audience laughing) - scavenger hunts are fun. - you see? you see? you see? even vivian says they're a lot of fun. - sure, i loved the scavenger hunt last night at the martins. - you lie! (audience laughing) the martins did not have a scavenger hunt. they had a scavenger hunt. how can i have a scavenger hunt now? i'll be the laughing stock of tuckahoe. they'll boot me out of the beauty parlor. - don't panic. maybe you've got better gifties. - i doubt it. she had gifties from gucci's. - shut up, vivian! (audience laughing) my party is ruined! the whole night is ruined! - [walter] so what, maude? it was a rotten year anyway. i don't want to celebrate '74 or '75! if i was going to celebrate a year, i'd pick a year that i liked, like 1937 or '42 or '58. - all right, you do that. you do that, walter! i wash my hands of the whole thing.
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walter, that's it, that's the party. walter, that's the party! this is going to be the greatest new year's eve party ever! - mother, what are you talking about? - [maude] look, nobody liked '74, right? - [all] right, that's right. - why don't we each pick our favorite year and come as that year. - [all] what a great idea! that's not a bad idea. - we'll all pick our most nostalgic year to celebrate. - now, wait a minute, wait, wait. now, listen. everybody has to wear something that is symbolic of what he or she was doing that particular year. oh, carol, you call the other guests. the list is over there. this is going to be the greatest new year's eve party. tell me, mrs. naugatuck, what was your favorite year? - i don't know, but i can tell you my least favorite year. 1492. (audience laughing)
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- if columbus hadn't discovered this flipping country, i wouldn't be working here tonight!
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this number by the deadline... and let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you - without cost or obligation. call now. now is the time for us to present to you the star of her 1945 college freshman review, the brunette bombshell! (audience applause) gypsy rose findlay! (audience laughing)
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take it all off! encore! encore! - [carol] did she really do that? - [vivian] oh, i loved it, i loved it! it brought the house down! - of course, when i did it originally i got six curtain calls. the entire sigma chi fraternity rose as one man and chased me across campus. (audience laughing) i let two of them catch me. (audience laughing) oh, 1945.
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the great year was 1952. wow! i still get the chills when i think of me being in that great convention hall listening to thousands and thousands of voices chant, "i like ike! i like--" that's thousands of voices. i like ike! - [maude] and arthur, arthur, don't forget his vice president, milhous what's-his-name? and his dog checkers. (audience laughing) if only that dog could have talked. (audience laughing & applauding) (singing) i left my heart at the stage door canteen. - [maude] oh, frankie! wait a minute, walter. that's not all you left at the canteen. (audience laughing) - maude when i was in the army, i weighed 235 pounds. - oh, come on, walter, 235 pounds? - that's right.
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- that must be the ellingers. - [carol] crackers anyone? jonathan, would you like some crackers? - i hope at least tonight they are not arguing. (ellingers arguing) - wait, wait a minute, don't tell me. you've come as the year of the dempsey-tunney fight. (audience laughing) - estelle, why do you keep slapping me? - because i love to slap you! - well, you're going to-- - all right, knock it off! (audience laughing & applauding) - oh, that's aunt polly. i didn't any place to leaver her. she's 94 years old. - 93! - she lies about her age. but she loves parties. - so do i. especially ones without him. - all right, then, you just stay here. i'm going to the harrisons' party. - not without me, you don't. - [maude] wait a minute. hey guys! guys! you forgot aunt polly. - oh, the hell with them!
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- polly, want a cracker? (audience laughing & applauding) - cut everybody out of my will. (audience laughing) - that's a lovely sentiment. aunt polly, would you care for some champagne? (audience laughing) well one thing, aunt polly's a cheap drunk. (audience laughing) - smile, mrs. naugatuck, it's new year's eve.
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nce laughing) - i must say, you know how to cheer a person up all right. (audience laughing & applauding) - maude findlay. - [maude] what did i tell you? didn't i say it would be fun-filled? look at all the guests. - yes, it's fun-filled, but you haven't said a single word to me since you came downstairs, and after all the trouble i went to with my costume. - oh, viv, honey, i'm sorry. now let me look at you. oh my, don't you look precious! i'm celebrating the happiest year of my life, when i was only five years old and my daddy loved me the most. he used to buy me dollies, and great big lollipops, and he took me to the park and he pushed me on the swings, and he would teeter totter with me. (audience laughing) - everybody, everybody ... (audience laughing and applauding) isn't this sweet?
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- no not six, five! five years old. - well, all right vivian! - [vivian] not six! six i hate! hate, hate six! - [maude] vivian! - when i was six years old my father's love for me was destroyed by an outside force. - [maude] oh, vivian, a divorce? - no, my rotten baby brother was born! (audience laughing) he and my daddy spent the rest of their lives shooting baskets. why wasn't i a good dribbler? (audience laughing) hold a spoon in front of aunt polly's mouth, see if she's still breathing. (audience laughing) remember dear, she's 92. - 91! (audience laughing) - aw, vivian, honey, i'm sorry. - come on, dear heart, you're spoiling the party. - oh, arthur, leave vivian alone. - well i don't understand why she picked that year if it makes her so miserable. for heaven's sake, she could have picked a good year like mine, 1952.
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there was trouble in the middle east-- - maude's right, arthur. 1952 was a rotten year. - it's a good a year as your lousy year, walter. - lousy year? i'll have you know that 1942 was a great year. - oh, sure, a great year, walter. great for hitler, mussolini, hirohito, hildegard ... - all i meant was that it was a swell year for me personally. i was a young guy in the army without any responsibilities. they must have been hard up to go out with a 235 pound pfc. (audience laughing & applauding) - they were, that's what i liked about them. (audience laughing) - oh, come on, walter, '42 was a grim year. - daddy. - [maude] vivian! - my fingers were too stubby to hold a basketball. - [maude] vivian, will you grow up? - oh yeah? well, that year you're celebrating, 1945, was the worst year of your life and you know it. - that is not true, vivian.
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- i remember your complexion, maude. you were the campus zits queen. (audience laughing) - [maude] vivian! - and the entire sigma chi fraternity didn't chase you across campus. it was harold farquhar, the zit king! (audience laughing) and, let's not forget that was the year you met your first husband, ha-ha! - i don't want to hear about '45 anymore, ever again. - what was wrong with meeting your first husband? he was my father. - for that i will always love him, carol. and you would be the zits princess. (audience laughing) - [carol] mother. - don't you "mother" me, miss motorcycle 1961. of all the thoughtless years you could have chosen. that was the year that i was not only getting a divorce from my second husband, but i fell asleep under the dryer and all my hair fell out. (audience laughing) for three months i looked like yul brynner. (audience laughing) - yeah, except you were taller.
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in the world in those days. you drove me crazy! - well, you'd be wild too if you had no father and a bald mother. (audience laughing) - maudey, stop attacking the poor girl just because your year turned out to be a big flop. - my year, arthur? - [walter] what about your year, arthur? - you leave my year alone! - oh, i hate everybody's year! (arguing) - forgive me for interrupting, but since nobody can decide on a favorite year, i'd like to propose a toast to my favorite minute. - oh, aunt polly, please don't trouble yourself. - oh, well, when you get to be my age, 89, (audience laughing)
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but what is important is what's happening now. - now? - now, baby. (audience laughing & applauding) - aunt polly's right, you know. even though i have been complaining all night, the fact is that i work for the findlays, lovely thing to say. and i'd like to smell your breath. (audience laughing) - so would i. (audience laughing) god love you all! - oh, mrs. naugatuck, come back here, dear.
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indulging our egos over a lot of silly years in the past, years that really weren't half as nice as we remember them. - [walter] come on, everybody. aunt polly's absolutely right. the present is what counts. - here, here! ("auld lang syne" on tv) - it's new years! oh happy 1875! (audience laughing) - aunt polly, aunt polly, not 1875, 1975. - i agree. - right on! (audience laughing & applauding) - walter, happy now, walter. - [walter] happy now, maude.
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? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ?
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are you home already? mother, why are you so upset? i'm not upset. i'm just terribly annoyed because i wasted an entire afternoon. i'll tell you why she's so upset. she's upset because of the four things that psychic predicted are going to happen to her. ( chuckles ) oh! first, she's going to get a phone call from a mysterious stranger. oh, come on. now, vivian, that's one right out of "the beginner's gypsy handbook." is going to suffer a severe emotional trauma. vivian, everybody close to me suffers severe emotional trauma. third, she's going to receive some good news. and fourth-- carol, i want you to hear this. imagine telling me, who has been married four times, that i'm going to be married a fifth time. ha ha ha! ha ha ha!
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getting married again is a lot more interesting than getting a phone call from a mysterious stranger. ( phone rings ) oh! the phone call from the mysterious stranger! come on. if you think i'm gonna climb the walls every time the telephone rings... that's ridiculous. "a mysterious stranger." hello there, old friend. yes, this is the lady of the house. who is this? if i can sing the campbell soup jingle,
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uh, well, no, i'm sorry, i don't know it. tell me, how's the wife? listen. you must call me and let's have lunch together someday. nice talking to you. you see, vivian, i've spoken to that man thousands of times. maude, that was the mysterious stranger. nonsense, vivian. and stop trying to make it sound as though everything that pscyhic predicted is coming true. mother, this man you're supposed to marry, is it somebody you know? d everybody she knows. vivian, you already have a leg in a cast. would you like to try for the entire body? hello, girls! walter, hi. oh, ho ho, have i got a great piece of gossip for you! what? what, walter?! think. now, think.
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you. grace and harvey winkler. oh, no, they're already divorced. you'll never guess. it's cliff and joanna naylor. oh, no. they've been so happily married for sixteen years. you better watch yourself, maude. cliff naylor has always said you're the most charming, best-looking, and sexiest wife in the crowd! good lord, i'm going to be married to cliff naylor! their getting a divorce has nothing to do with your getting married again. do you really think so? of course! their getting a divorce is the severe emotional trauma to someone who's close to you! that is it! of course! she is one of my dearest friends! oh, poor, poor harriet naylor! mother, her name's joanna. you're not gonna take this whole thing seriously. of course i'm not taking it seriously, carol.
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one thing at least, vivian, we have had no good news. ( phone rings ) oh, no! the phone call from the mysterious-- we've already had that one! ( ringing ) hello? oh. hello, george. the deal went through? they changed their mind about the bamburger house? that is wonderful! oh, george, thank you so much. ( kiss ) oh, walter, you'll never guess. ger house deal went through! i'll make more commission than i've ever made before! twelve hundred dollars! wow! that's good news! uh--vivian, don't panic. carol, what's goin' on? she'll tell you, walter. mother, look-- whatever you do, i don't want you to worry about this. thank you, darling. i appreciate that. just do me one favor. anything, sweetheart.
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just for that, i'm gonna twirl the calendar on your birth control pills. look, will somebody please tell me what's going on around here? maude's getting married again! the psychic said so! maude: vivian! i'm sorry, but you know i crack under pressure! ( chuckling ) maude's getting married again? oh, walter, i didn't want you to hear about this. ) sweetheart, i love you for this. laughing on the outside, crying on the inside... ha ha ha! you're too much, maude! i mean, you don't really believe this phony, do you? if he only were a phony! this man has been used by the federal government. maude, we've all been used by the-- that is not funny!
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ncidental. but everything the psychic predicted is coming true! mrs. naugatuck: excuse me, mum. stop hounding me! can't you see our lives are falling apart? yes, of course. they always do at this time of day, mum. you don't understand. the psychic predicted that i would be married again. oh, congratulations! but i don't want to! i don't want to be married to anyone but walter! well, if that's your problem, just get married again? you see? you ask that yo-yo for advice, and she comes up with the most ridiculous, most outlandish-- most marvelous idea i have ever heard. walter, that's the solution! oh, mrs. naugatuck. it is a brilliant idea. mrs. naugatuck, i love you. i love you, i love you.
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i meant you and him! crazy americans. walter, we'll make his prediction come true, and that way we'll never have to worry again. ohh! what a wonderful idea. walter, a second wedding! vivian, isn't it a fantastic idea? i always cry at weddings. walter, isn't it exciting? if you think i'm getting married again because of some crazy person's prediction, you're out of your mind! absolutely not! thank you, walter. any man who won't marry his own wife is a pretty rotten husband! vivian! aaah! what? i hold you personally responsible for this madness!
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maude, honey. oh, walter, walter. i know i'm being irrational, but... oh, walter, i love you so much. you know, i was just thinking about the day we got married. remember? six years ago. oh, it was so lovely. it started with an argument because i refused to wear a wedding ring. do you remember? sure, i remember. you said it was out of date and a symbol of male dominance. oh, darling, every time i look at this ring i realize how lucky i am to be sharing my life with you. the idea of a wedding ring is old-fashioned, but... it means a great deal to me. ( sighs ) okay, maude. let's get married.
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oh, darling! we'll have a tent in the backyard. and a really big reception. maude! what do you think, 300 people? 400 people? what do you think? maude!!! we're not gonna have a big, fancy wedding, and that's that! just tell me when and where, and i'll be there. okay. how about saturday? okay. saturday's-- oh, no. saturday's out. my sinuses are being drained. oh. that's very good, because i wouldn't want you dripping during the ceremony. then what about sunday? sunday at 11:00, right here. okay, sunday. but it has to be a short ceremony because i have a golf date with arthur at 11:30 sharp. let's eat! mmmm! i'm hungry as a horse! oh, walter, walter.
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oh, the darn flash didn't go off.
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don't you think this is exciting? not when my bulbs don't go off, no. ? they tried to tell us ? ? we're too young ? ? too young ? ? to really be in love ? maudie. those people that told you you were too young? they're all dead. nothing is going to spoil this day for me. not even you. carol, would you fix the bow in my hair? ? da dum da da da da dum ? mother, you're too much. you're acting like an 18-year-old at her first wedding. oh, carol, that's because in my heart i feel eighteen. even if that heart is beating in a 45-year-old body. maude, the body's forty-eight. oh, forty-five, forty-eight-- what difference
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's my wedding ring. guard it with your life. phillip, you look beautiful! you look funny. hey, vivian, look at this ring. it's almost exactly like yours. yes, except i'll bet hers isn't a hand-me-down. i don't see anything so terrible about you wearing the ring that i bought for agnes. may her soul rest in peace. ( doorbell ) good morning. what can i do for you, sir? oh, i'm the, uh... for the, uh... oh! the minister for the wedding! come right in! now, this is mrs. harmon. hello. and this is dr. harmon. arthur harmon! you son-of-a-gun! reverend! vivian: you two know each other?
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right, arthur? and how! how could i forget that? that eulogy that you gave for agnes, it was a humdinger. well, you're very kind, but she was an inspiration. she laid out so well. she never looked better, vivian. what were those marvelous words you used? you captured the very essence of agnes. oh, yes, you mean "soft of heart... "soft of heart... "sweet of spirit... "sweet of spirit... "strong of will... "strong of will... and selfless of soul." selfless of soul." oh, that is beautiful, reverend. isn't that beautiful, vivian? ( sarcastic ) beautiful. you know, with the hundreds and hundreds of sermons you've preached, it's just amazing to me that you'd remember those words. well, it's my business. oh, it sure is. and reverend,
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wow! they're gonna get a heckuva kick out of it! walter, i do not ask for much in this world. and i'm not being unreasonable. what is it, sweetheart? walter, you cannot get married in your arnold palmer sweater. but maude! honey, come on, now. okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. here. does this make you happy? yes. and a necktie would make me even happier. a necktie? we're only getting married, we're not going out to dinner. okay, okay, okay, okay. thank you, darling. now, walter, i have a surprise for you. a surprise? what? hold out your hand. surprise, walter.
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isn't it exciting, walter? when i think of how much pleasure mine has given me, i suddenly thought, "let's have a double-ring ceremony." i'm not wearing any ring! it's bad enough i'm wearing a tie! i thought this would make you happy! the way mine has made me happy. this ring is a symbol of marriage. it's obvious to the whole world that i'm married. i've got that haunted, beaten look of husbands everywhere. i've seen your baby pictures. walter, honey, you don't know how much this means to me. you know what that means? that after six years of marriage, you don't trust me! walter, i trust you with my life! it's my life you don't trust me with! that's what that band is. it's a sign that says, "property of maude findlay.
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e?! that i'm just a selfish, domineering-- the hell with the ring! the hell with the wedding! let's forget the whole thing! walter, we can't! we can't! we can't! don't you remember what the psychic predicted? and the hell with him, too! everything he predicted is coming true! the phone call from the mysterious stranger, the good news about the bamburger house, the naylor's severe emotional trauma! trauma?! they're happy as clams! oh, come on. they are not happy. maude, joanna found herself a 22-year-old ski instructor. well, that's happy. but we can't take any chances! oh, darling, please, do it for me. please! maude! make up your mind. one ring or no wedding. what's it gonna be? are you threatening me?!
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two people with such great spiritual love for each other that they want to renew their sacred vows. maude: you're rotten, walter! walter findlay, you are impossible! ( door slams ) what is that? that's the loving couple sneaking a romantic monent together. mrs. naugatuck, why don't you start the wedding march? good idea. maybe she'll come down by force of habit. ( recorded music plays ) carol: mother, walter, we're ready! walter: ten seconds! maude: this is blackmail! five, four, three, two... you are rotten, walter! you are abolutely no good! you're just no good! you're a rotten brute-- ( recorded organ music plays )
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my friends, we are gathered here today to share the joy of walter and maude findlay, two beloved people... soft of heart, sweet of spirit... strong of will, and selfless of soul. walter, do you take maude to be your beloved wife to love, honor and cherish? mm-hmm. you do. and do you, maude, take walter to be your beloved husband? i do. may i have the ring, please? walter, maude, as you know, this ring symbolizes your commitment to each other. place the ring on maude's finger. no, thank you. we've decided not to wear rings. maude! the ring is part of the ceremony. it binds.
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maude. maude! you are supposed to wear a ring! it's traditional! i've decided you're absolutely right. there is no earthly reason why either one of us should wear a wedding ring. but you've gotta wear one, maude! you're the woman! i'm the woman, walter? hang in there, walter. i've always thought of her as a woman. you mean this band is a symbol of ownership? your slave! you do not own me. ladies. ladies! come on, now! ladies!!! ladies!!! come on, now! this is a wedding! look, can we goose this along a little? i'm expected at the cemetery.
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now, listen, don't give me any more of that liberated woman jazz! and don't give me any more dumb arguments or stupid excuses! if you can give me one good reason, one honest, sensible reason why i should wear a wedding ring. of course i can give you a good, sensible reason-- what? if you don't wear a ring, what'll the guys say?! let us pray. maude--maude-- you're an attractive woman! you don't know what goes through their minds! after six years of marriage, you don't trust me? i'll tell you what goes through their minds: "findlay's wife is looking for a little action!" i can hear them now! "findlay's wife doesn't wear a ring. she's on the prowl!" for crying out loud, i'll be the laughingstock of tuckahoe! you can't do this to me! do you hear me?
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i insist!!! walter, do you know that the psychic was right when he predicted that someone close to me is going to have a severe emotional trauma? but it wasn't joanna, walter, it's you! me? me?!!! i am not having a trauma!!! ( panting ) where are we? beloved couple, soft of hearts,
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