tv CBS This Morning CBS November 25, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EST
well done. darrin, you better hurry up. breakfast is almost ready. i know. i just saw it in action. that's very clever, the way the pancakes flip-flop-flip-flop -- no hands. welcome back to the fold, darling. i, um, sort of broke training. i noticed. what about, uh, dumbo? doesn't he object to your using... yes, darrin objects. but it's a special occasion because of the morning light. i have to catch the morning light so i can work on my painting. really? your painting? mm-hmm! see? i've almost finished the sketch. i'm gonna enter it in the exhibit next week.
okay, push. that's a good girl. wait a minute. wait a minute. as i call your daddy, i'll fix you something to eat. well, there you are. i've been waiting for hours. well, i'm sorry, mother, but i've been very busy delivering my painting. your painting? yes. my painting. for your information, mother dear, my painting is gonna be hung at the charity exhibit. it might even win a prize. well, that wouldn't surprise me. it wouldn't? no, of course not. talent runs in our family.
mother, really! not in front of tabitha. not him, silly child. his self-portrait. and your second cousin lucretia has been working in stone for centuries. i often felt that derwood should lend her his head. i have often felt that we can do without the jokes about darrin... d-a-r-r-i-n. he, incidentally, thinks my painting's great. that is incidental. what would whatchamacallit know about art? if you want an opinion of value, you should go to someone who's aesthetically equipped to give you a critique of your work. whom did you have in mind? as if i didn't know. don't be flippant, my dear daughter. you know i frequently haunt the avant-garde galleries. as a matter of fact, i dropped in at jacques gallery in new york
who is henri monchet? henri monchet! henri monchet happens to be the latest rage in paris! and, mark you, soon he'll be the rage in new york. well, i'm very impressed. good. now let's see if i am. what? let me see your painting. unh-unh. no, it's too late. it's already hanging in the gallery at the university. i told you i'd dropped it off when i came in. you mean it's going to appear in public before your own mother sees it? you bet. y. life with that mortal has made you completely thoughtless. [ ding! ] how's that? i got news. i think you hung it upside down.
over easy anyhow. eggs make me hungry. let's eat. okay. better lock the door. oh. right. [ ding! ] hey. how did she get in? [ ding! ] [ ding! ] oh! my stars and satellites! it looks like she's painted it with a broom -- a whisk broom. well, we can do better than that. o wizards and warlocks of arts of the ages, o palettes of paint and classical sages, this dreadful still life -- just take it away
[ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] ah! well, that's more like it. [ ding! ] oh, fiddley-faddley, i almost forgot! [ ding! ] there! now... [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] darrin, it's almost 5:00. how's that perfume layout coming along? here, have a sniff. oh, these look fine, darrin. there are a few changes i want to make
you can tell him about it tonight. what do you mean, i can tell him about it tonight? he arrived in town early. you're taking him to dinner. not tonight, i'm not. i have very special plans. sam has a painting entered in the art exhibit at the university -- we have to go there. but that's great! cunningham considers himself a connoisseur of the arts. he'd jump at the chance to go to an art exhibit. an amateur art exhibit? why don't you take him to dinner tonight? because louise and i have other plans and because the cunningham perfume account crative we've ever had and taking him to the art exhibit can be the one surefire way of getting it. so, call sam and give her the good word. okay. first i have to think of one. what? a good word. why don't you tell her it's a favor for the president of the company? that's a good word.
not a minute too soon. if i don't leave right away, i'm gonna be late. there's something else i had to do. what was it? yes. mr. cunningham's perfume. he sent some to louise and me. $50 an ounce. hmm. ooh, mother, look at me. i'm so nervous, it's like stage fright. don't worry, darling. i'll be with you in spirit. wish me luck. it's been wished. what does that mean? it's getting so you question everything i say. sorry. bye-bye. man: on the local side of the news, art critic arthur bryan has completed his judging in the annual charity art show on view at the university tonight. the winner of the first prize is samantha stephens. larry! in making the decision, mr. bryan said that mrs. stephens showed an amazing color sense and style for an amateur painter. samantha won first prize!
and so, you say, "what is art?" some say look in the dictionary, but i say what does a man who writes a dictionary know about art? if he knew anything about art, would he be writing a dictionary in the first place? no, i say. i say go to a man who has created something himself... even if that man is only a man like i. a man who has created a perfume -- go to him, i say. that man knows art as i know art. "and what does it take to know art?" you ask. for the ordinary man, that is a difficult question. but -- and i use the word "but" advisedly --
a man who can sniff a fragrance or walk up to a painting and say, "i know you"... ...there is the essence of knowing art. uh, i'm afraid that our exhibit is considerably below your speed, mr. cunningham. i mean, it's for kitchen creators, patio painters, like i. i mean, we wouldn't be on exhibit at all if it weren't for charity. all the more reason. all the more reason, what? to know what you want and go after it. once i say, "i know you," the next step is, "i must have you." i have never, never in my entire life said, "i know you," to a painting or fragrance i didn't buy. i will say that for me. i always get what i want. wow. wow. uh, d-don't you think it's getting a wee bit late? yes! uh, waiter? louise: here they come. oh, samantha. samantha, how wonderful! i'm so thrilled for you!
i wouldn't have missed this for the world! darrin, you must be very proud of her. when louise heard the news, we canceled our engagement and came right over. what news? yeah, what news? you mean you don't know? samantha won first prize. they're unveiling her painting any moment. well, now, this is interesting. oh! l-louise, are you sure? i can't believe it! you're positive? i'm numb. who wouldn't be? i'm dying to see your masterpiece. they've been waiting for you before they start the auction. here. i'll help you. mr. cunningham. mrs. stephens, as chairman of the art committee, i just want to say how proud we are to have you here this evening. thank you. [ applause ] hang on, i may go right through the floor. now, ladies and gentlemen, as we promised you, the first painting to be auctioned for charity is the painting that won first prize. [ applause ]
ur guests to come up and examine the painting before the auction begins. sam, that isn't yours. i-i know. mr. chairman -- honey, honey -- the signature. look at the signature. i want to tell you, mrs. stephens, i'm not used to paintings at amateur art exhibits saying "i know you," but that one definitely is speaking up. all right, now, your attention, please. the bidding is about to commence. now, do i hear an offer? i have an awful feeling... $25. ...that he's going to bid for it. he just did. man: $30. $35. that may be my signature, but it's mother's handwriting. you bid against him. i'll see if i can figure this out. $35 once. $35 twice. uh, $36! ah, now i have a bid for $36. oh, i get the hint, stephens. i forgot it was for charity.
$200. now i have a bid for $200. do i hear more? $410. i have $410. do i hear $500? $500. i know you can hear me! how could you do such a thing? will you please answer me? it's urgent. i have $800. do i hear $850? i don't think so. $850. over her next painting? please keep out of this, louise. i thought you people wanted my account. $900! $925. $950. $950! do i hear $1,000? where are you gonna get $1,000 without a job? $1,000.
going once. going twice. sold, for $1,005 to the art lover in the gray suit. [ applause ] i told you i get what i want, if i have to say so myself. mr. cunningham. i call this good sportsmanship, darrin inviting us all over for a cup of coffee. yes, he's a gracious loser, and i'm a gracious winner for $1,005. well, i suppose i can't really blame you for wanting your wife's painting so badly... i suppose. samantha and i will get things started in the kitchen. let me! oh, no. you and larry entertain mr. cunningham. mother...dear. i'm desperate. mother, i have to talk to you.
[ ding! ] well, why didn't you answer me before? you knew i was here babysitting. where did you get that painting? oh, that? that's henri monchet's. henri monchet?! you stole it! of course i haven't. i just borrowed it. it'll pop back to jacques at midnight. midnight?! but it's close to that now. oh, really? oh, i am late. mother, you are going to sit right there on that table until this mess is cleared up. mr. cunningham is in there, and he bought that painting! don't tell me that scent maker is here. mm-hmm. i tried some of his perfume. it burned a hole right through my robe. you should try some of my perfume, samantha. it's irresistible. irresistible? completely. but i'll need it for tonight.
hmm? please? oh, fiddle-faddle. [ ding! ] whew! [ ding! ] mr. cunningham, why don't you leave the painting here? we'll have it reframed, show it off a little better. you really don't want to part with it, do you? louise? larry? anks. mrs. stephens... i'm terribly sorry, mr. cunningham. uh, cream and sugar? that perfume you're wearing -- what is it? oh, that. uh, my mother makes it. homemade perfume? well, it's an old formula. been in the family for years. what a unique fragrance. that scent -- remarkable, fabulous aroma. it's speaking to me.
great! what are the ingredients? oh, mother would never tell anyone. well, i'm prepared to make a very generous offer to her if she'll sell it to me. she'd never sell it for money. what else is there? i happen to know that mother would love darrin to have that painting. perhaps we could work out a trade. no, no. i don't think so. cookie? that scent is irresistible. are you sure your mother won't accept a very large payment? oh, absolutely not. mother-in-law, my boy. indescribable. louise? [ sniffs ] and so is that perfume. it's a deal -- the painting for the formula. darrin, why don't you take the painting in the den? now? right now before mr. cunningham changes his mind. [ sniffs ]
[ ding! ] why, with this new fragrance, i may start a whole new line. naturally, mr. cunningham. i'll have stephens get started on a new layout right away. that sounds like fun. i'll want excitement, something that will make it absolutely impossible for a woman not to buy it when she sees it. we'll need a name that will make it as irresistible as it is. i have an idea. how about "i know you"? brilliant! stephens, what did you ever do to deserve a woman like this?
so you didn't get the painting, but you got the perfume, and mcmann & tate got the account, which is all larry was worried about, right? just a minute. just a gosh-darn minute! larry: louise, will you ever learn to keep your big, fat -- and were you going to keep this a secret from me? keep what a secret from you, mr. cunningham? "samantha stephens." so that wasn't your only painting... or your only style. this one i've got to have because this one is talking up a storm. mr. cunningham, that one you may have. you mean it? quick, say good night before she changes her mind. good night. call you tomorrow. good night, larry. sam, what about that painting? is it gonna disappear on him? is it real? or was that witchcraft, too? i told you this morning it was real. oh, boy. it's getting harder and harder to tell what's real and what isn't around here. come here.
wow! [ ding! ] good. darrin? charlie harper! it's great to see you, old buddy! darrin, if you don't stop poking around, you won't even make dessert. i'll be down in a minute. that's what you said 30 minutes ago. something tells me you're not too anxious to see your old buddy. not anxious to see charlie? don't be ridiculous. he only happens to be one of the greatest guys alive. he'd be perfect except for one minor thing. what's that? he's rich, bright, intelligent, charming, and witty, and he excels at everything.
outside of that, he's a sweetheart. sounds horrible. i'll hate him. impossible -- nobody can hate charlie, not even me. don't think i haven't tried. well, i bet he didn't graduate cum laude the way you did. no, he didn't. there, you see? he did better. he graduated summa cum laude, and he was three years younger than me. oh, well... ah, hold it. you were elected student-body president, weren't you? only after charlie resigned so that he could devote more time darrin, you can't tell me that charlie was any more popular with the girls than you were. let's put it this way. i had to beat them off with a stick. charlie had his own wood pile. what's his wife like? i don't know. i never met her. but if she's married to charlie, she's got to be gorgeous. [ doorbell rings ] there they are. i'll get it. darrin? hmm? i think your legs are cute, but i imagine the harpers would prefer to see you in pants.
how can people say they don't know what angels look like? aw, she's beautiful, dar, really something special. thank you, charlie. and you're right. tabitha's very special. do you have any children? you'll be sorry you asked. there they are. . triplets? it figures. it's two girls and a boy. it's a little hard to tell because of the hair. well, as charlie is overly fond of saying, "if you're going to do something, do it right." they're darling, aren't they, darrin? they certainly are. instead of cigars, i passed out pipes. why don't we all go down to dinner? you know, dar, i really like your place. it has a good, solid home feel.
oh, how i envy you. i really botched our winter place in acapulco something fierce. sam's got a real flair. she can do wonders with anything. well, she and charlie should get together, because he did a fabulous job on our castle. uh, you have a castle? mm-hmm. i fell in love with it the minute i saw the moat. if charlie hadn't bought it for me, i would have just died. say, dar, i hear, uh... i hear you're going great guns at mcmann & tate. yes. he's head of their creative advertising. hey, that's great. congratulations, dar. don't you have something to do with advertising? in a small way. i thought you bought two big agencies last summer. just one. it was brown & smithers unlimited. you bought brown & smithers? just for tax purposes. i don't know anything about the advertising game itself. well, shall we all go into the living room where it's more comfortable?
[ imitating daphne ] i fell in love with it the minute i saw the moat. [ normal voice ] i'm not the least bit impressed. i'm beginning to believe the only thing they don't own is this block. [ ding! ] mother! what are you doing here? have you any idea how you sounded while you were trying to puff up duncan's meager triumphs? it's darrin, and you know it. when are you ever going to admit the day after never. well, if you had to marry a mortal, why couldn't you have chosen a superior one... like charlie? i don't have to stand here and listen to you applaud charlie harper's accomplishments. i can go out there and listen to daphne do it. oh, samantha, face it. she's not bragging. she's simply stating fact. darrin, i hope you didn't have anything to do with that terrible meat-company jingle --
not guilty. oh. you know, charlie and i had a bet coming over here. he said that you would remember me and i said that you wouldn't. and you lose, right, dar? well, uh, let me think. see there? i was right. i was the freshman campus queen your entire senior year of college. yes, yes, of course. and i must say that your husband was the only red-blooded male -- thank you -- i just didn't want to get trampled in the rush, daphne. kids, i have a wonderful idea. we've just opened up our house at oyster bay, and we're having a few of our friends out for the weekend, and you're coming, too. we'll have a ball -- tennis, swimming, golf, the whole bit. well, i -- and, dar, you and i are going to talk some business -- important business involving you. now, what do you say? well, it sounds great, charlie. doesn't it, honey?
well, i'm sure that mother is available. oh, that's great. then it's all settled. samantha, why don't you go upstairs and throw some things into a suitcase? the limousine's right out front, and we can all go together. sweetheart, i'm proud of you. why? because i agreed to let your mother babysit? i'll admit that does take courage. so does letting yourself in for a one-upmanship weekend like this. it's a shade over, above, and beyond the call of duty. oh, we'll have fun. anyway, i told you, i like charlie. it on. you really didn't remember daphne, did you? not a bit -- it's weird. you don't suppose she was a little bit of a snob even then, do you? castle, indeed. ooh. you have a wicked slam, senator.
oh, hi, sweetheart. having fun? uh-huh. first, charlie beat me at 8-ball, then at darts, now across the pool. ooh. sorry. yeah. [ giggles ] oh, wonderful, samantha. you've set them again. sorry, sweetheart. oh, my, samantha, what a stunning ring. oh, thank you. darrin picked it out himself. it's so stark and modern. tell charlie that the trend was away from the big diamonds, but he's so old-fashioned. and, of course, he can afford to be. [ tinkles ] oh, i'm terribly sorry! i don't know how i could have been so clumsy.
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credible is the only word for it. now, charlie -- no false modesty, dar. it was fantastic. he's already found another word. well, who won? charlie, by 11 strokes. let's you and i talk a little business. okay. excuse us, gentlemen. tell me, darrin, are you happy at mcmann & tate? very happy. oh, that's too bad. it would be a lot easier to quit if you were miserable. why should i want to quit? well, you can't stay there and be president of brown & smithers unlimited, too. you're not serious. you can write your own ticket, dar. that's how serious i am. well, charlie, i don't know what to say. the word is yes. you'll spend six months a year in new york and six months on the continent. that's to service our offices in paris, london, and rome. samantha will love it. oh, i -- i don't think so, charlie. why not?
and schools for tabitha. and...besides, i couldn't leave larry tate after all he's done for me. [ knock on door ] come in. oh, hi, daphne. hi, samantha. i know you packed in a hurry, so i was wondering if you want to borrow anything for tonight -- clothes or jewelry or anything like that? oh, that's very sweet, but i think i brought enough. okay. well, the boys really are enjoying themselves, aren't they? darrin's having a ball. that's lovely. charlie and i just love darrin, and we just wish there was something we could do to help him. help him what? to realize his full potential and to find his proper place in the world. oh, daphne, i think darrin's very happy with his place -- his home, his family, his job at mcmann & tate. oh, how wonderful. how wonderful. well, you're sure there's nothing
maybe some jewelry, or -- um, well, uh, let me look. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] oh, samantha, how lovely. it's just amazing what they can do with this costume stuff these days, isn't it? what makes you think they're not real? you're gonna force me to be cruel, but on darrin's salary, they have to be zircon. daphne... there is one thing i could use... [ ding! ] ...a hanger. oh, i'll have hilda bring you some. i really should hang this thing up. samantha, that is
daphne? is anything wrong? endora: yes, my darling daughter. there's plenty wrong. mother! samantha! i'm appalled. oh, mother, what is it now, and who's staying with tabitha? i suspected you needed keeping an eye on more than tabitha. hagatha is sitting with her. i'm watching over the real baby of the family. oh, samantha. boasting about derwood is one thing, a precious item like that? well, since when have you been so averse to my using witchcraft? the second you started using it to make dalton look good. you're only fooling yourself, samantha, and the mink proves it. you had to zap it up for yourself because what's his name isn't capable of getting you one. don't you see that? i don't need a mink. [ scoffs ] i suppose i shouldn't have done it, though.
would say that is in the nature of an understatement. if you just unfreeze her and pop out, i'll see if i can remedy the situation. well, easier said, darling. cheerio. [ ding! ] ...beautiful, fabulous coat that i have ever seen! may i? yes. did darrin give it to you? where did he get it? from a little place that was going out of business. with merchandise like this? well, you see, daphne, that was the problem. they took too much trouble -- raised the mink themselves and only used the pelts from identical twins from each litter. there's probably not another one like it in the whole world. no, no, there isn't. darrin could just shoot me for not liking it. for not liking it? well, i hardly ever wear it. now, it's kind of a sore subject with darrin, so i'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it to him. oh, darling, you can count on me.
but you have a closet full of those things. but this is made out of the pelts of identical twins. if this coat is so special, honey, well, why doesn't samantha like it? oh, don't be so dense. she knows they can't afford it. yeah, but i'd feel funny. you'd be doing darrin a favor by taking it off his hands, because he's probably up to his neck in hock for it. oh, i don't know. oh, charlie, if you don't get me that coat, i'm gonna have a migraine till 1970. believe me, honey, i don't feel bad. el great. i finally beat charlie at something. you said you lost by 12 strokes. 11! oh, pardon me. but we flipped a coin to see who'd tip the caddy, and i won. it cost me 10 bucks, but i won. i love you, you nut. i love -- [ knock on door ] oh, come in. excuse me. i hope i'm not interrupting. samantha, i just wanted to tell you that you have got another arnie palmer here. he made a shot -- i told her, charlie. what can we do for you?
right, dar? charlie, if it's about the job -- no, no. no, no, it isn't. shall i excuse myself? no, i want you to stay right here. you are a very important part of this. um, dar... my wife wants to buy your wife's mink coat. well, i don't get it, charlie. what's the joke? she wants to buy my mink? that's impossible. i know you're touchy on the subject, dar -- why should i be touchy? sam doesn't own a mink. darrin, c-could i talk to you for a moment? when? now? should i leave? no, no, no, charlie. it's all right. it'll only take a minute. excuse us, charlie. sam, what's this all about? well -- oh, darrin. well, you see, daphne said some very unkind things about you and about how you were doing.
and said it was a present from you. that's great. i'm sorry. we'll talk about it after we get rid of him. well, i hope you kids have settled on a price. the coat's not for sale, charlie. ah, we're making progress. at least he said that there is a coat. um, would you consider $5,000? absolutely not. oh, i understand -- sentimental value and all. let's say $6,000, then, hmm? now, i know the coat was custom-made from pelts of identical twins, so... what? identical mink twins? ...so how about $8,500? charlie, will you cut that out? you haven't even seen the coat. for all you know it might have a hole in the pocket. come on, kids, be realistic. you certainly can't turn down $12,500. the answer's no, charlie. no. samantha, talk to him.
well, darrin, what was i to do? daphne was being so patronizing. well, she practically called you a loser. so to prove what a winner i was, you gave yourself a mink coat. well, i-i'm sorry, darling. well, she could've said anything in the world about me, but i didn't want her to knock you, don't you understand? perfectly. i'm enough of a breadwinner but when it comes to the luxuries i want to give you, i can't compete with your witchcraft. i can't give you anything you can't zap up yourself. hors d'oeuvre? no, thank you. would you care to dance, daphne? senator, i know how you loathe vetoes, but i have a crushing migraine. so sorry. hey, darrin, what's wrong? you seem upset.
put things in perspective for me. daphne, can i see you for a moment? certainly. you haven't by any chance changed your mind, have you? daphne, the coat is yours. oh, you don't mean it. please, just between -- charlie! darrin! oh, it's beautiful. what's going on? don't be too long. she might change her mind. charlie will give you a check for it, samantha. well, daphne, you don't understand. i'm giving it to you. giving it to me? yes. charlie told me how much you admired it,
a marvelous coat, samantha. this is worth a great deal of money. you can't do that. oh, samantha, you can't give away anything this valuable. oh, yes, you can, daphne, when you value something else a great deal more. more than this? oh, you're kidding. no, i'm not. i don't think i've ever been as serious or meant anything as much in my life.
mrs. stephens? this is for you. oh, thank you. you're welcome. who is it, honey? oh, it's a package, and by special messenger, no less. hey, i haven't forgotten a birthday or an anniversary, have i? of course not. i wouldn't let you. well, who's it from? it's from daphne and charlie harper. daphne? "dear samantha, i'm returning the coat. "it would take volumes to explain why, "i don't need to make an explanation. "i'm certain you'll understand. "please accept my thanks for giving me a sense of value. daphne." oh, there's a p.s. from charlie. "thanks for giving me a new daphne. charlie." hey, did we do all that? [ chuckles ] you did, sweetheart. aw. honey, about this coat -- [ ding! ] are you sure you don't want to keep the coat?
tephens. hmm? mm-hmm. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com good morning. good morning, sir. [whistling] [engine starts] he is here. what do you think you're doing? master. major healey is calling you. it is urgent. hello. hello?! roger: hi, tony. hey, do you have your radio on? no, no, you have yours on. what's the matter? jeannie said it was urgent. ah, are you kidding? urgent's not the word for it. now, listen, don't make any plans for tonight. the greatest party-thrower in cocoa beach is throwing a wild mod party. yeah. wh-who is that? me. huh? well, what do you know about giving a mod party? what is there to know?
i thought, you know, might make it a real party. oh, great. [magic boings] [over speaker] no brass, no psychiatric observers and definitely no uniforms. strictly mod all the way. carnaby street, right? yeah, well, it sounds great. uh, bring jeannie and some ice. oh, thank you, major healey. oh, this is a pleasure, jeannie. okay, tony? yeah, uh-- yeah, okay. all right, i'll see you. oh, master. a party. a party! g. is it not wonderful? there's no cord. oh, i'm so excited. i love parties.
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and i will make my hair brunette-- yeah, i-i'd rather you didn't blink up anything, jeannie. here, i want you to take one of these credit cards and go down to cocoa-- oh, they are so beautiful. [gasps] i think i like the red one the best. well, believe me, it's not the color that counts. now, you take that down shopping in cocoa beach, and get yourself something mod to wear tonight. but why, master? all i have to do is-- yes, yes, i-i know that, but i'd rather you wouldn't. now, you see, the important thing at roger's party tonight is the clothes that people will be wearing. it has to be just right. you'll do that for me, won't you? if you say so, master. okay. [giggles] shopping for mod will be such fun. yeah. what is "mod"? well, i really don't have time to go into it. the salesgirl will help you. oh, just think. i will be the only genie at the party dressed in mod.
just received these metal stress analysis reports. i wish you'd run them through the computer. thanks. hey, roge. oh, yeah. something wrong with your ankle? no, but there's something wrong with my neck. i'm getting ready for the frug dance tonight. a little practice-- oh, am i excited. all those great girls tonight, huh. i'm kind of excited too. this will be the first mod party i've ever been to. it will be an experience. oh, listen, that's putting it mildly. hey, you're gonna love the guys. they're a great bunch, really. are they college buddies? uh, from high school? no, no, grammar school. of course, they're a little older now. yeah, well, i hope so. yeah, listen, this party is kind of a class reunion. boy, it's going to be great, seeing old corky hansen again. he used to be the classroom cutup. ah, i'll never forget the time he poured a bucket of tadpoles over our biology teacher's head. ha-ha-ha-ha. wh-what's he doing now? well, he's the head of his own model agency. yeah. they're gonna paint my office. help me move the furniture around. yeah. good old corky.
s. give me a hand with this, will you? the principal's daughter wanted to elope with him when they were 7 years old. but now, to think he has his own model agency. all those beautiful girls. boy, i can't wait to see what my date is gonna look like. [knocking] come in. tony. hey, roger, how are you? carter, how are you? good to see you. what brings you to town? uh, let's see, the last time i saw you was last year at the meeting of the inter-branch relations-- well, that's it. it's that time of year again. get-together tonight. well, we can't make it. not tonight, no. didn't you get the notice? did we get the notice he sent out? last month, i got the notice. i put it in my drawer and never looked at it again. it's in here someplace. can't you make it another night? tomorrow night maybe. we can't make it. this is dr. bellows' baby. if you can't make it, check with him. you know how he looks forward to this. i know. i know how he is. give you a little advice. if you're not there tonight, you'd better have an excuse. a good excuse. yeah, we will.
the nerve of dr. bellows having his meeting on the night of my mod party! roger, he's had this meeting set up for the last year. that's what i mean. he had a whole year to pick another date. what are we gonna do? we're going to the meeting. oh, no, we're not. not me, i'm not gonna let my buddies down. no, sirree. you remember last year's meeting? mrs. bellows and her soggy, soggy hors d'oeuvres? boy, what are we gonna do? the one i feel sorry for is jeannie. party tonight. how are we gonna get out of this thing? how? well, you know dr. bellows. even if the meeting is unimportant, all the brass will be there. if we don't show up, we'll never hear the end of it. mrs. bellows will see to that. we could call in sick. yeah, we'd have to show up on crutches. that's the only way he'd ever believe us. i know the nurse at the infirmary. she could lend us a couple-- hey, wait a minute. remember dr. bellows said the last time we had our physical, that we needed some outdoor activities? yeah. well, we'll just tell him that--
hunting? you know, camping out, the great outdoors. surrounded by fresh air, just as you prescribed. hm, i see. uh, how long have you been planning this trip? four weeks. four months. four weeks. four months. i-i really can't understand how we forgot about your little get-together tonight, sir. well, i understand it. you do? of course. it was because of your unconscious need to break out into the open. it drove tonight's gathering completely from your mind. oh, yeah, completely. yeah. it sounds so simple when you explain it, sir. well, after all, it is my profession. the dynamics of human relations. well, you're the doctor. well, all right, gentlemen, i, um-- i'll make your excuses at the meeting tonight. oh, mrs. bellows is gonna be terribly disappointed, but, uh, your mental and physical well-being is far more important than attending our little gathering. well, i knew you would understand, sir. thanks, sir. tell mrs. bellows we're going to miss her hors d'oeuvres.
oh, i feel a heel, lying to dr. bellows. are you kidding? with one stroke, you got us out of a dull evening, into-- into the mod party of the year. anyway, we weren't lying. we are going hunting. what if dr. bellows finds out about the party? will you stop worrying? there's not a chance in the world. nope. it's not far-out enough for herman. sorry. it's the furthest-out tie we carry. sir-- wow, that's kicky! your guy must be a real ding-dong. "ding-dong"? a bell-ringer. you know, with it, going! oh, "going." oh, yes. major nelson and i are going to major healey's house tonight
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we don't want to be late. there. here i am. hey, hey, that's-- do you like it? oh, it's adorable. [laughing] thank you. oh, master. what? you cannot go in this. oh, well, jeannie. it's a tuxedo, i-i think i can get away with it. i have a surprise for you. yeah, well, this is all i have, see. oh. how 'bout that? i can't wear that. i-i don't have anything to go with it. oh, yes, master. oh. jeannie, i can't wear this. oh, yes, master. you look adorable in it. [chuckles] look at that. it fits you beautifully. well, it's not-- it's not really bad, is it? i like the color too. yes, how 'bout the bell-bottoms?
oops. oops. shall we go? [chuckles] okay. [mod music playing inside house] you know, you haven't changed a bit, old buddy. well, you haven't changed either, corky. well, you're a little heavy around here. still keeping the same company. oh, hey, this way. oh, he used to be a killer in grammar school. hi, mary. hey, harry. oh, look at this. corky: --business. wha--? business? oh, i would like to be a partner in your business. come on over here. do you still play the bass? oh, i've fooled around a little bit. hey, cut the music! oh, come on. no, come on, now. i want you to hear my main man here. oh, no. go get him, roge!
roger: hey, tony. hiya, jeannie. oh, you look great. oh, you look just great. meet paul, my old friend corky, and this is maureen, and this is susie. oh, you look great. why is he not dancing with a girl? funny chick. where did you find her? well, actually in a bottle on the beach. in a bot-- ha-ha-ha. she's a little-- she's-- she's nuts. hey, this a lot better than dr. bellows' dull old party, isn't it? oh, it's hard to stop, once you get the music in your soul. you just gotta keep going. roge, you're not playing anymore. yeah, yeah, well, i'm not playing. oh, did you bring the ice, jeannie? oh, i'm sorry, i forgot all about it. yes. no, i-- not here. hey, kids, dig the crazy new dance. man: yeah! yeah.
oh, this is a waste of time. at this very moment... [music playing] ...major nelson and major healey are hunting. hunting what? they wouldn't dare. open that door. alfred, we have work to do. well, where are they? oh, this reminds me of a party nero gave once. except that everyone wore togas. i certainly hope so for their sake. oh, wait a minute, judy, judy, judy, judy. i'm going to drink a toast. uh. a toast to dr. bellows. dr. bellows is here. he's here. dr. bellows can't be here. i didn't invite him. oh, dr. bellows. oh, we should've gotten the crutches. jeannie, do something. go on, do something! i will blink him to the top of a pyramid. roger: no, no, no. uh, uh, dress us in a hunting outfit. oh, yeah, hunting, hunting. we can go hunting. yes, master. thanks, jeannie. hey, these clothes really are mod. nice, jeannie.
i like 'em. quickly. yes, master. wait a minute-- hey, these are kind of cute. jeannie, this is not what i had in mind. couldn't you get us a--? show me that dance again. oh. hey, wait a minute. hey, corky. what happened to corky? jeannie, get him back. get him back. it was an accident. oh, there he is. wow, what a groovy dance. come on, baby. hey, corky. wait a minute. oh, dr. bellows. dr. bellows. i'm so glad you could-- you could drop by. we just didn't happen to drop by, major. this is an official call. oh. amanda, if you don't mind. all right, darling. tell them why we're here. major nelson, you missed the meeting at my house tonight, because you said that you and major healey were going hunting. yes, well, we were just leaving, sir. what about your party, major? what about our party, major? huh? party? oh, this is not, uh, roger's party. he had some friends drop in from out of town
over to them for their party. very generously. then why are you here? uh, why are we here now? our car broke down. both of our cars. you mean to tell me that you're actually going hunting dressed like that? carrying bows and arrows? uh, yes, it's the, uh-- the ancient hunters bow and arrow club. the ancient hunters bow and arrow club? roger: yes, it is an ancient club. we can only hunt with bows and arrows. i told you there'd be a logical explanation for this. tell me, where did you plan to go hunting? uh, well, just a-- a swamp. a swamp. twenty miles from here. twenty miles. too bad about our cars breaking down. we can't go now. oh, yes, you can. i'm gonna drive you there. oh, no. oh, yes. oh, yes, you come right with me. no, no, no, no.
well, here we are. yeah, here we are. yeah, here we are. mm. you really shouldn't have gone to all that trouble, sir. it's no trouble. after all, i'm the one who prescribed this. yeah, well, we'll never forget that, doc. well, i'd better get back. i don't like to leave amanda alone at the party. by the time i return, she'll have everyone psychoanalyzed. [laughter] well, good hunting, gentlemen. [mod music playing] [thunder booms] it's raining. very good observation, roger. you know what your problem is? you're basically insecure. i mean, i can tell by the funny hairdo
a very unhappy childhood. you know, you really should have a talk with my husband. you mean the shrink in the uniform? the what in the what? i mean, the head-scrambler, the wig-picker. are you talking about my husband? you know your problem, lady? what? you ain't loose. oh. gotta relax. oh, is that it? yeah. oh. [laughs] roger! roger! in here. get out of there and give me a hand here. ace in here. help me set it up, will you? pull it around. use this rope. oh, that's a good idea. throw it over there. throw it on top of that limb. you catch it. i'll tie the top of this to it. and you can pull it up. i'll go to catch it. okay! throw it over here. come on. i'm ready. throw it. okay!
oh, i-- oh, oh, oh! well, i-- [thunder crashing] when i think of all those beautiful women back in my apartment, no, i think i'll just cry instead. they must be having a ball back there. why don't we go home. why don't we go home! what are you--? do you know what you're doing, anyway? don't you remember our survival course? yeah, what are you doing?
let me see, you were saying-- darling, come on, dance. oh, you don't know what you're missing. it's such fun. amanda, i'm in the middle of a very interesting psychoanalysis. oh, i'm sorry, darling. have fun. now, dear, tell me, how long have you had this compulsion to be a football player? hi, everybody. we're back! we're ba--! oh, hi, dr. bellows. what are you doing here? i had a feeling you might return. i told you they weren't interested in hunting. oh, we were. we were. well, then, why did you come back? it was nice of you to drive us out there. really, nice of you, in the rain with all that, but-- there we are. [indistinct chattering]
[???] five, four, three, two... you're home, sam. [phone buzzes] this is cap-com control signing off. [chuckling] yeah. perfect. hi, tony. hello, major. take him down. oh, hello, doctor. nqualified success, major nelson. your prot?g? is green for go for the real thing tomorrow. i'm certain sam appreciates your contribution. well, i didn't join the, uh, astronaut program to become a radio announcer, sir. i was hoping nasa would put me in the driver's seat. well, i'm with tony. we're the senior astronauts on this project. and who gets to make the first shot? sam. i mean, it isn't fair. now, don't be bitter, gentlemen. if you really wanted first crack at this mission, why, you-- [chuckles] you should have been more selective in choosing parents. it's all a matter of heredity.
press the green one. [gibbering] roger: hey. tony: good boy. good boy, sam. there's something wrong with this. i'm gonna have to check it. i'm gonna have to get a technician to take a look at this panel. hurry up, will ya, tony? everybody else has gone for lunch. master! [gasps] oh! jeannie! oh, thank heavens. oh, for a minute, i thought that-- what are you doing here? i told you never come to nasa. never. but it is important, master. you said i could come if it was an emergency. well, what happened? what's the matter? i got lonely. you got lonely?! you got lonely?! why do we not go to a movie this afternoon? because roger and i have a lot of work to do. now, get out, and i mean it. now.
what sam's doing. yeah? oh, uh, s-sam. sam, please, now, don't touch any of the buttons until i give you the orders, huh? red for red, and green for green, okay? don't worry. he'll be all right when the time comes. yeah, but what good is it? he can't make any decisions. we might as well have a robot up there. i will buy lunch. i know a wonderful little restaurant along the banks of the nile. really? well, i'm starved. i-- roger, we've got work to do. lots of work to do. bellows: oh, uh, major nelson, i was-- lah, effendi. um... who was that? the water boy. yes. come along, sam. we have a lot of work to do. [???] whew. [laughs] was that not brilliant, master? he did not suspect a thing.
run-of-the-mill nasa arabs. [both chuckle] goodbye, jeannie. no lunch? no lunch. dr. bellows is expecting too much out of this. what do you mean? even if sam does his job properly, we're gonna get limited information. what orbiter 5 needs up there is a man. well...let's stop dreaming and get back to work. we don't have a man, we've got a monkey. master. jeannie, please. where does any woman go? spend the day at the beauty parlor. very well, master. jeannie. mm. yes, master? please. goodbye, master. you've done very well this morning, sam. here's a reward for you. [???] now, sam...
sam? sam?! look, i-i-- that wiring's loose. i think we'd better get an electrician in here. uh... i don't think we ought to fool around with it. hold on. i got an idea. [grunts] give me-- give me the screwdriver, will ya? mm-hm. hi. oh, hi. that was fast. um, there's something wrong with the signal switch. would you look at it, please? sure. come out, come out, wherever you are. here's a nice banana for you. now, you've got to be in this room somewhere. yeah, you're new around here, aren't you? mm. hm? where--? where are you from? the cameroons. equatorial west africa. that's where i was born and raised as a kid. [chuckles] no kidding. yeah. and then my-- my whole family got captured.
wire ends. sam is irreplaceable. you are not. i want you to find that chimp. oh, i will, general. i will. and i think i know just where to look. i said to myself, if i were a chimpanzee, where would i go? and what did you decide? i'd go to where major nelson is. major nelson? yes, sir. my theory is that sam has gone in search of his mother substitute. and tony nelson is sam's mother substitute. that's right, general. after all, major nelson has worked very closely with sam. sam's animal instincts told him... that he was being placed in jeopardy. and he felt an overwhelming need for the warmth and comfort of the maternal bosom. how does that sound to you, sir? it sounds to me as though you've been seeing too many jungle pictures.
um... i-i-is that gonna take you long, uh... sam. sam. you wouldn't like another electrician to help you, would you? i'm no electrician. i'm a scientist. a scientist, huh? yeah. it's a beautiful success story. i'm the first scientist in our family. one of my brothers made it big in show business. maybe you saw him on the jerry lewis show. mm, no, i-- i don't think i caught it. uh-- y-you're gonna-- you're gonna be able to, uh, put that back together, aren't you? [buzz] uh, will you excuse me, please? hello, major nelson here. oh, hello, dr. bellows. [guttural grunts] huh? just a minute. y-you, uh-- you say sam's escaped? you think he's on his way over here. well, w-why? huh-- a mother what? oh. oh, yeah. yes, sir. of course we'll keep our eyes open for him.
he thinks sam is coming. don't let him get me. i wanna stay here with you. now, wait a minute here. eh, would you get off, huh? i don't wanna go back in that cage. you know, look-- get off, will you? nobody's gonna put you back in a cage. what's the matter with you, sam? sam. that's sam. i know it's sam. sam? it can't be sam. yeah-heh. uh, yes, it can be. jeannie. jeannie! why would jeannie do a thing like that? why does she do anything? jeannie! don't let 'em take me. he treated me like a monkey. hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. who are you calling a monkey? uh, sam, i'm sorry about this, but you're just gonna have to become a chimpanzee again. you wanna be a chimpanzee? be a chimpanzee. i'm staying a man. eh, sam. this whole thing is a mistake. uh, uh, uh, uh-- so you see, a friend of mine, i have this... [???]
good afternoon. good afternoon. can i help you? oh, i hope so. my master sent me. uh, well, what exactly can we do for you? well... i-i-i am not sure. i've never been to a beauty parlor before. you've never... just one minute. i'll get mr. sidney, okay? mm. [chatter, laughter] uh, good afternoon. oh. in a beauty salon before. that is right. what would you like? well, what do you have? i'm glad you asked. uh, get ready for one super deluxe. [giggles] [laughs] right this way, please. tony: sam, now-- now-- try-- sam--
ral thousand years before you reach our level of development. uh-- oh-- sam, you-- you'd be-- be much happier as a chimp. oh, yeah? have you ever seen a chimp driving around in a convertible with a blond. heh-heh. i've got a mate you wouldn't believe. big, hairy... rrr. [sniffs] he's coming. i smell it. you smell who? hey, wait a minute. wait a minute. don't go up there. [both speaking indistinctly] any sign of sam? oh, y-yeah. uh, no. nothing to talk about. well, i have a general alarm out, and i've had the base sealed off. oh, he won't get away. after all, how far can a chimpanzee get before someone sees him. well, i-- i think i can, uh, guarantee he'll be up in that capsule tomorrow. yeah, he's gone! who's gone? well, sam. we know that, major. that's why i put out a general alarm. you'd better pull yourself together. yes. and you have a lovely complexion.
in a beauty salon. well, i used to go to the roman baths a lot. the roman baths? yes. nero's wife and i used to go every saturday morning before the chariot races. oh. oh, i hope my master likes the way i look. oh-ho-ho. i'm sure he will. [grunts] there we go. [screams] what? madam. oh. this isn't beauty parlor. [buzzing] sam. oh, sam. [whistles] sam. sam! what are we gonna do, tony? i'm afraid he's gotten away. oh, how could he have gotten away? there's-- there's nowhere to go.
would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world.
[tarzan yell] shh. be quiet. uh, jeannie. jeannie what? jeannie'll change him back. that's the answer-- but jeannie isn't here. well, she will be. whenever i'm in trouble, i just concentrate on her, and she comes to me. now, i gotta concentrate. ahem. jeannie. jeannie. would you like some coffee? i cannot hear you. would you like some coffee?
yeah, it's no use, roge. you mean your friend's not gonna change me back again. yeah, that's right. come on, let's go. roger: wait a minute. hey! wait for me. do you hear something? no. i thought i heard someone calling my name. oh, yes. there's one in the other room. oh. i'll get it. please do not bother. the first thing i'm gonna do is move in with you. i'm a lot of laughs once you get to know me. boy, we'll really be swinging. at the end of a noose. what? nothing. sam, you wouldn't want to hold up the space program, would you?
. all you have to do is call dr. bellows and tell him who i am. he's got you there. hey. what do you say we all go nightclubbing? someplace where they got a lot of swinging chicks. zowie. [intercom buzzes] that's probably dr. bellows. give him my love. hello. major nelson here. jeannie: hello, master. oh. heh-heh. hello, uh-- hello, major. major? [giggles] this is jeannie, master. yes, i know. you know that package you exchanged for me? package? [gasps] oh. you must mean sam. i knew that would make you happy, master. heh-heh. well, happy's not really the word for it. yeah, i'd like you to take it back. oh, but i thought that-- yeah, look-- jeannie, i'd like you to take it back right now. if that is what you wish. that's what i wish. ohh! [gasps] hello? roger: i don't think we'll ever get this place
sam. hey, tony, it's that-- jeannie's turned him back again. oh, you're not gonna do any nightclubbing after all. you're going up in space tomorrow. not if i can help it. say... on him it looks good. see you later. [gibbering] tony? is that you tony? don't worry about a thing. i'm gonna sneak you out of here. sam! where? you found sam. oh, this-- found sam. oh, that's, uh-- that's not sam, sir. then who is it? who is that? oh, that's, uh-- used to hang around at the zoo, and-- now, don't be ridiculous, major healey. there's only one chimpanzee around here. why-- besides, i know sam when i see him. here we are. come along, sam. whoa, whoa. wait a minute. you can't take sam with you, sir. and why not? well, he's just a baby. oh, major healey. sam has been trained for this mission. where's major nelson? i-i think he's at the end of his rope. send him to me as soon as you find him. this mission is going up on schedule. sir?
jeannie. jeannie. jeannie. there. that looks truly elegant. no. thank you very much but i think i like it better the other way. there. do you not think this is bet--? [thump] receptionist: mr. sidney. sam is right here in my office. and he's in fine shape for his little trip into space. [gibbering] oh. don't worry, sir. hm-hm. i intend to keep sam here right with me every second until blastoff. thank you, general. that's very kind of you. well, it was just a question of understanding
i kind of like it. master. master, i'm home. [brakes screech] jeannie! oh, major healey. oh. where's major nelson? where? you're asking me where major nelson is? he's a monkey, that's where he is. i do not understand. yeah, well, you blinked cockeyed oh, no. oh, no. wait for me! wait. oh, wait. wait! i'd help you out, buddy boy, but i have this date tonight with a brunette. this is the life. i'm taking her up to our place for a drink. good luck, tony. oh. hi. how's tricks? i will show you. oh. oh. jeannie. oh, master. you are not angry with me? uh-- angry with you?
you're the most beautiful person i've ever seen in my life. where have ya been? i went to the beauty parlor, where you sent me. jeannie: why did you not call me? [tony laughs] why didn't i call you? mm. uh-- uh-- excuse me. yes. excuse me. uh, i'm afraid you're not gonna be able to keep that date tonight. you're not really dressed for it, you know. sam. you may not believe this... but i envy you. you're gonna g-- go up there and have a wonderful trip. and we're gonna get you down safely. thattaboy. oh. oh. roger. roger. he's gotta be going crazy. roger. i gotta find roger. [giggles] there you are, love bug. oh, yeah. good one. [giggles] bellows: this is the most miraculous thing i've ever seen. oh.
well-- i'll go down in history. ask him to write something. yes, sir. oh, sam. uh, uh-- this is general wisten. he would, uh, like to see you write something. now, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. oh, you'll see it for yourself, general. now...here we are. "the gettysburg address." written... by a monkey. you almost had it right, doctor. it was dictated by a monkey. psychiatrists! [door slams] where did i go wrong?
[men chattering indistinctly] this is control to orbiter 5. control to orbiter 5. can you hear me, sam? tony: good. you're doing fine. just-- just relax. i want you to press the green button, sam. the green button on the panel board. [man speaks indistinctly over pa] he did it. i knew he could. heh. all right, you're doing great. yeah. excellent. all right now, sam, you-- you're just doing fine. i want you to press the red and the green button at the same time. tony: red and green, sam. green and red, sam. sam: red and green? are you kidding? i've only got two hands, you know. it's do this, do that. do you know the trouble with you human beings?
? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ? ? the chores ? ? the stores ? ? fresh air ? ? times square ?