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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 25, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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golf course. i think it was indian-- >> nine-hole course. >> indian wells, or something? >> no. o'donnell. >> that was the first one? >> the original golf course. >> and now, i think palm springs has more golf courses than any... city. >> they have 52 golf courses. >> oh, come on, now. >> yeah, they're-- truly! and the way ford plays, he doesn't know which course-- [ laughter ] wait! wait! that's just a straight line. wait! >> g-good luck-- good luck, on this one. >> he doesn't know which course he's gonna play, until after his first tee shot. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> wherever-- >> fifty-two courses! >> in other words-- >> fifty-two! >> after the tee shot, he goes wherever-- >> wherever the ball goes, he follows it. >> i couldn't-- i don't believe they got 52 golf-- i cannot believe that. >> that's true! it's true. they put 'em in-- if you haven't got a golf course, you're nobody, down there. >> that is incredible. >> really. it's-it's amazing! >> oh. who you got, on your show, this wee-- uh, this week, besides-- i know you got some o' the football greats. >> who have we got, on the show? >> yeah, you've got-- >> elizabeth taylor. >> l-- talk to you, about elizabeth taylor, on the show. >> elizabeth taylor. >> yeah. >> she wanted--
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[ laughter ] [ some hooting ] no, she's divine. >> yes. >> we're so thrilled. i-- supposed to be on my show, last year, at west point, but she became ill. >> that's right. i remember. >> and, uh, we're, uh-- she's so thrill-- she plays the commissioner of football, on the-- on the show. namath walks into-- "my, how you've changed, mr. rosette." [ laughter ] he gets quite a laugh. >> some-- [ laughter ] she, uh, w-- i started to say something, d and it left me, which may be just as well. >> we have olivia newton-john. >> yeah? >> who looks so good, i'd-i'd like to go with her hyphen. [ some laughter ] >> she is-- yeah, she is pretty, isn't she? >> she's pretty. she's pretty. >> pretty lady. >> she does-- she does physical, with all the football stars-- rosey grier and dick butkus and bob lilly and alana katz. and they do it-- they do a number, called "the line lament." >> yeah. >> and it sounds pretty good, considering they're-- ya know, they're singing through scar tissue. i think it's a marvelous-- [ laughter ] >> yeah. that's not a-- how did ya get--
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you'd never worked with elizabeth taylor before, and she reminded you that she was on your radio show, some 30 years ago. is that a true story? >> who did? >> elizabeth taylor. >> it was in the paper. >> yeah. that's true! >> it was in the paper, today. >> that's true! >> you s-- you said-- say-- >> 'bout-'bout-bout "national velvet" time. >> yeah. >> that's true. we were both child stars. [ laughter ] >> i'll give up before you will. [ laughter ] >> stared at me, longer than jack benny. la didn't he stare 'em out? wasn't he beautiful? >> oh, freddy's doing a thi-- that-- we gotta-- >> outstanding clip. >> we do! i didn't know that. >> what-what'd ya do? >> somebody said we have an actual film clip-- >> they didn't bring film clips over here. >> first time! >> my goodness! >> are you kidding? >> isn't that amazing? [ laughter ] r-roll 'em! r-roll 'em! [ laughter ] >> how do ya-- i've never been able to do that. how do ya do that? >> you know, my daughter's the only one can do it, in my family? it-it-it's a thing. it's a dutch thing. >> i know. they used to do that, in the old-- >> that's a "station house." >> the sketches.
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>> how do ya-- what's the trick? i've never-- >> hmm? it has to happen, for ya, down there. >> it's a-- [ rolling r ] >> how many people can do it, in the audience? lemme hear it? >> lemme hear that. [ audience rolling r ] [ laughter ] five hundred guys doin' "station house," up there. >> lotta tigers, up there. >> yeah. >> tape people are going crazy. >> the tape people are going crazy? [ chuckling ] >> roll it! >> why don't we-- why don't we show it? this is a little-- is this, uh, out takes, or are these things that've happened, or is this-- >> yeah, i-- they-- a lotta stuff, they got. but they got-- i think they got a lotta people, on there. >> okay. watch the monitor. >> susan anton >> i know that you're very athletic, bob, but, uh, have ya ever played football? >> are you kidding? i was a triple threat man. >> ooh! >> yes, i was a coach, uh-- i was a triple threat man. i really was. >> were you? [ laughter ] >> the coach never knew whether i was gonna fumble, run the wrong way, or tackle a pompom girl. [ laughter ] >> well, i became a referee, because i wanted to keep things orderly. >> mmm-hmm. >> see, without me, the game would be total confusion, chaos, and colli-- complete compli-- calamity.
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>> and what's your problem, phantom foot, aside from your name? >> well, none of the players can trust this conrad casanova with their girlfriends. [ some laughter ] he's stolen mine, three times! >> what could he possibly have-- [ over speaker ] [ breathlessly ] >> that a big, handsome man-- >> money! money! >> ow! [ applause ] >> why did ya wanna become a football player? [ speaking i >> he always wanted big shoulders. [ laughter ] >> please, someone shake that tree, for me. >> yeah, sure, louie. be glad to. [ laughter ] i'm shakin' the tree. >> sad, isn't it? they both think there's an apple tree there. >> it's pitiful. anyone can see those are oranges. [ laughter ]
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and bob lilly. i'll tell ya. ya didn't recogni-- it was dick butkus, roosevelt grier, and bob lilly. >> yeah, yeah. >> and-- >> and we don't, uh-- >> and if they don't sing well, who's gonna tell them? i mean-- >> that's right. it's true. it's true. we got, uh, staubach, the quarterback-- >> roger staubach? yeah. >> on there. and, every time he was supposed to speak a line, we had to send a messenger in, with the-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> looks like a g-- you got a lotta people, in there. >> you know how they love ot i used this audience o' yours, last night, for my monologue. >> that's what i hear. >> and d'you know, when i said i'm gonna do the 60th anniversary of football, that audience applauded like hell. >> crazy. >> i didn't know it was that-that popular-- i think it was that. >> probably the-- that and basketball are the most watched sports. yeah. did you wear this coat, last night, during the monologue, or-- did you go b-- you're from england, originally. did you go back, for the, um-- the wedding? the-- prince charles and lady di. >> no, no. i just received the invitation, yesterday. [ laughter ]
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you would, uh-- you would've attended that. >> yeah. yeah, it was pretty. it was pretty. i-i loved the way everybody over here, ya know, wore that hairdo-- that diana hairdo. >> yeah. >> even some o' the girls. i th-- i thought it was-- [ laughter ] >> whaddya doin', back at villa nova, now, on december the 1st? you said you were appearing, uh-- >> i'm goin' back there. they're getting a big fundraising thing going, because they wanna start the football program, again. >> right. >> at the academy o' music. so, i'm goin' back there and do a little show, like we did, up there at the budweiser. >> san francisco. >> yes. >> i was up therit imagine this guy-- the spokesman for budweiser, for 80 years, huh? [ laughter ] that's a match-- >> twenty years. >> that's a match made in heaven. >> oh, yes. [ some laughter ] >> he is christened, with a jug o' ripple, ya know. [ laughter ] >> was either that or become a clydesdale. [ laughter ] >> i have to follow-- i have to follow this guy-- what's his name? our s-- publicity guy. the funny guy. mike-- >> mike roarty. >> mike roarty. >> tommy lasorda. >> and tom lasorda. that's all i have to follow. ya know.
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and then, you come out and fight, for your life. ya know? [ some laughter ] nah, they were a great group. and tom lasorda was wonderful. i mean-- >> yeah. >> god, when you think-- the italians-- they-- in fact, sinatra follows us. and he's gonna sing-- >> right. >> "thanks for the memories," sunday night. imagine 44 years it took him, to steal that? >> and he's doin' your theme song? >> yeah. yeah, i gotta steal somethin' from him. >> that's right. he's got a new special on, doesn't he? >> i may take and do "my way." >> hmm? [ some laughter ] yeah. you sing-- >> my wife-- >> you sing well! >> been thinkin' about that, for years. huh? >> you sing well! [ chuckling ] >> i introduced that.>> [ laughter ] >> i never where-- know where you're going, anymore. i have to-- [ laughter ] i look in those beady, little eyes of yours, tryna figure out where you're headed, before i jump in! what? >> send him home. >> "send him home." >> send him home. >> you're goin' to palm springs, tonight with freddy? >> i'm goin' to palm springs. i sure am! >> yeah. >> yes, sir! >> all right. >> great to see ya. >> you can drive down, with freddy. he's goin'. >> fine. freddy's gonna play. i hope i'm playing-- in back of him. i hate to think-- >> thank you, robert.
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[ applause ] ugh. he m-- never ceases to amaze me. >> no. [ chuckling ] >> he's on the go, all the time. we'll be back, with, uh, susan sarandon, in just a moment. [ applause ] attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few days away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs.
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most talented, beautiful actress-- >> mmm-hmm. >> susan sarandon is, and, uh, she's not been here, for a while. she's been off to greece and italy, where she just completed filming "the tempest." and she'll soon be seen in "who am i this time?" which airs on pbs. would you welcome, please, [ some whistling and hooting ] susan sarandon? yeah! [ music ] yeah! [ music ] [ >> i love that. then, i don't have to talk so long. [ laughter ] >> bunch of animals, out there. >> and they left us all alone. >> that's nice. how are ya? >> i'm great. oh-- >> yes. >> before we talk about me-- >> sure. >> you would be really popular, in summerset, new jersey, if you would let me say happy birthday to my niece, mandy, and if you would say-- >> of course. >> she just turned seven. >> where's m-- mandy? >> mandy. >> happy birthday, mandy. >> happy birthday. >> happy birthday.
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>> what were ya doin'-- speakin' o' bein' se-- what were you doin', when you were seven years old? where were ya, and-- >> i don't think i was ever seven! i can't even remember-- >> oh, come on, now. you're not that old. >> unless i been dri-- i-- oh. i remember, because you make your first communion, when you're seven. >> yeah. >> and that's when you get to wear a petticoat. i remember that. >> isn't that funny, how certain things-- >> yeah. that's the-the age of reason, you know. >> the age of reason? >> from that point on, you're responsible for whatever comes down. >> i thought it was 65. the age of reason. [ laughter ] i was looking forward to that. [ laughter ] >> no, there's been somebody keeping tabs on you, >> where'd you spend your childhood? where? >> in new jersey. >> yeah? >> yeah. yeah. and-and then, i mean, i really think i had my childhood, since i been an actor. >> well-- they're interchangeable, aren't they? they-- the-- david merritt keeps saying that all actors-- i guess means-- meaning actresses and actors-- are children at heart. you really-- >> well... they're children at heart, because they take chances, and they pretend, and-and, uh, things like that. but i don't go along with the idea that they have to be childish. i don't-- >> yeah. >> really like the confusion between being temperamental
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>> yeah, there's a myth that, uh-- >> yeah. >> extremely creative people have to be-- or genius-- have to be disturbed, in some way. >> yeah, and-and it's encouraged, in the business. i mean, the more trouble you are, the more attention you get. so. >> pays off, i guess, for publicity. >> not just publicity, but on a set. you know, if they're worried about if you're gonna show up-- >> yeah. >> if you're gonna w-- then, they pay a lot of attention to you. the people that are pros have the tendency to be waiting around, while the other ones-- >> how are you, on a set, now? are you-- >> i'm c-- i'm perfect-- [ laughter ] no, i'm a pro. >> show up and-- >> i mean, there's t-- fe through all of that. i mean, i have enough problems, ya know, offstage, without bein' a problem, onstage. >> what i think i was referring to, when i said about actors being-- uh, or entertainers being children-- i-i meant that in a positive sense. >> mmm-hmm. >> the curiosity of a child. >> yeah! >> i mean, you never stop questioning-- >> and the vulnerability and-- >> and-and being silly and-- >> yeah! >> uh-- and-and acting like a child, at times. there's nothing wrong with that. >> no. i get confused, when i work with children, because they seem more grown-up than i am. >> well, did you see the young man-- >> yes. >> here, a while ago? >> mmm-hmm. >> yeah. >> i mean, very s-- now, at 11 years old-- i was tryna remember-- 11. when i was in the fifth
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a professional actor, until he played in "the champ." >> mmm. >> he had never done a motion picture, before. and it hasn't seemed-- >> no, he seems-- >> have phased him, at all, and-- >> i would just get confused, because i dunno what you draw-- you know, it's-it's so confusing, anyway-- the-the line between reality and fantasy and-- >> yeah. >> and whatever. and-and, when you're a kid and, uh-- i don't know. >> yeah. >> i don't think i'd-- i-i-i-- >> well, people always say, "would ya like to go back and do it all over, again?" >> oh, god, no. >> why? weren't y-- wasn't it a happy childhood? or were you confused? well, i dunno! >> my mom. um-- >> there's nothing wrong. i mean, this is not-- ya know, you don't have to beat up your parents-- >> no, but-- >> to say you were unhappy or happy. >> it's a-- it's tough to be a kid, now, don't you think? it's much harder. i mean, in those days, things were even slower. "way back then." >> well, when we were around, there weren't many kids. >> that's right! [ laughter ] >> just the two of us! >> just a few ki-- couple o' kids. uh-- >> no, i don't think i'd want to do that. >> no, i think it's-- >> i like it now. i like where i am now, and-- >> when you walked out, for a moment, i almost did not recognize you. >> i know. >> 'cause you-- >> it's a shocker, huh? >> mmm-hmm. >> well, you see, women-- you see, they-- you cut your hair very short.
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you come up to somebody and say, "hi. how are ya?" and you-you don't-- any particular reason? was this for a picture, or-- >> no. i-i don't now if this happens to you, but i just suddenly got the feeling that i-i was in some kind of a trance. i mean, the habit of my life, or something-- i just needed to do something to shock myself out of it. >> really? >> and-- other than becoming left-handed. [ chuckling ] this was kind of real ritualistic-- >> you mean, you just wanted-- >> so, i did it, and i thought, "god, that's really great. you did that." and then, the next morning, i woke up, and i had a total identity crisis! in other words, you just-- >> i feel like i don't have-- you know, i'm missing one prop, or something. and then, i went out, and, um, i went to the local five and 10, or something, and someone came up to me and said, "what did you do?" and i thought, at first, that they didn't-- you know, they had mistaken me for someone else, but they hadn't. they were furious with me, for cutting my hair. just furious! and it happened about four other times. a man, i might add, every time. >> hmm. >> and, uh-- so, it really-- >> well, it's your hair. you can do what you want to, with it. >> i know, but i-i suppose people see you a certain way, you know, and you have a--
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uh, these people were-were very offended that i, in some way, had, uh-- >> that's strange. >> damaged my sexuality or something. >> no, you haven't done that. >> no, no. [ chuckling ] >> no, no, no. [ laughter ] oh, no. >> no, that didn't happen. >> you c-- you could wear that on the inside your head. [ laughter ] >> well, thank you. that-- >> not damage your sexuality. >> but it is strange-- sexuality, you know? i mean, it is what makes the world go 'round, but i don't really understand it. >> yeah. who does? >> thank god nobody. >> nobody knows. it's another mystery of life. and we'll explore that mystery-- what a transition, folks-- [ laughter ]
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[ music ] [ applause ] >> we are back. [ cheering ] we were just talking-- you, uh-- you spent a little time in greece, filming. >> mmm. >> and enjoyed it. >> i loved it. i mean-- but that's another thing, that-- kind of going to a strange country. i mean, there's something-something built into the-the way that you live that prevents you from feeling too alive, i guess, so that you're not too aware of death,
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and, when you go to a-a foreign country, it shakes up all of your points of reference, so that you-- >> mmm. >> you're so aware of different rhythms and different priorities and-- and i adored greece. the people there and, uh-- i mean, when men look at you, and you look at them, they don't look away. [ chuckling ] they just stare at you. >> yeah. >> and then, the light is very different. and the way that they-- if you go to a taverna, you know, it's someone's business, and they really-- >> right. >> there's no menu. you have to trust them. they-- i-- it was great. and i was with john cassavetes, who's greek, and he-- i mean-- >> does he speak greek? because-- >> yes! >> greek is not an easy language to speak >> no, he does. and-- >> there's not a one word that i can understand, uh, in greek, at all. but it's a-- i was there, this summer, in the greek islands. it was wonderful. >> but it forces you to speak with your whole body and to really connect with people, in a way that you don't connect-- >> yeah. >> when you're out in the street. >> i get the feeling, from what you've said-- but-- the hairdo and traveling to greece, that you, uh-- you don't like to get in a rut. you want to step out, sometime. that you-- everything's kinda programmed, for you, you feel. >> it's not a program! i-i just think there's something that happens. i dunno if it's-- it's not just affluence. i mean, unless you're really fighting-- >> yeah. >> for survival, day by day,
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you get lulled into a kind of trance, about things. you're not really here. you don't really see people. you kind of start doing things, by habit. and that terrifies me. it just terrifies me. >> all right. we shall return,
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[ music ] [ applause ] we're just about outta time. is that a real flower? >> it sure is. >> hey, that's real nice. it's a gardenia. >> keep it. >> what? >> keep it. >> aw. >> it'll be just like the prom. >> really? [ hooting ] >> yeah. >> trick is to get home, before it turns brown, and get it in the refrigerator. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ]
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good morning, fay. good morning. you seem upset. is everything okay? well, every few years my friends from stewardess school get together for a reunion. this year, we're holding it on the island. that doesn't seem so bad. i know, but i'm on my own i don't have a husband. i just wish i had something to lord over them. oh... you mean like some old man with a little bow tie to make a fuss over you? no. i mean like some buff young stud who can't keep his hands off me. i'll do it. you'll do what? i'll be your hunk-a hunk-a burnin' love.
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someone your a would go out with a young guy like lowell. no. i mean i just feel silly going through some charade... although my friend myra would turn green. oh, let's do it. good. all right. in order for your friends to believe we're really a couple there's some intimate details we need to know about each other. for instance, um... are those your real teeth? it is freezing outside! and in the dead of winter too. how unseasonable. now, that was just sarcasm for no good reason, wasn't it? i'm sorry. can i get you something hot to drink? oh, no, it's two degrees.
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( sarcastically ): oh, right, helen. i'm sure that's exactly what it is. uh, listen, i've got an announcement. it's a little thing so don't make a big deal of it. what's up? i'm getting married. duh... what? you're kidding. roy, so many questions leap to mind... like, where'd you meet her? what's she like? what kind of bet did she lose? but guys, i think this is the real thing. this is the woman i have waited for my whole life. how'd you meet her? through a russian mail-order catalog. we haven't actually met yet. you bought a bride. it's not like that at all. this is on the up-and-up. this marriage was arranged through an agency that finds russian brides for single american men. i took one look in that catalog
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"anya." see? he gave it a lot of thought. got halfway through the as. hi. what's up? roy's marrying a russian mail-order bride. oh, i see. that's the game we're playing. yeah, the pope's outside snow blowing the sidewalk. joe, it's true. what? really? they're from different cultures. they've never met. he doesn't have a chance. i don't know. never met, no idea what he's like? i'd say it's his only chance. uh, what does she look like? here's her picture. she describes herself as being of average height and weight. all right! average! way to go, roy! doesn't anyone but me think this is crazy? i can't imagine a more inappropriate relationship. okay, fay... now, then... how many times a week do we have sex? well, uh, i'm not a kid anymore.
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roy, even for you, this is insane. she's right. how can you think of using a catalog to find a woman? it's so impersonal. it's so dehumanizing. hello, nadia! take your time and think about this. it can't take any longer than two minutes. anya's flight just landed. roy, this is wrong in so many ways it's hard to explain without charts. how do i look? i've been eating salads for the past few days. you know how my weight tends to yo-yo up and down. boy, those radishes really stay with you. i need to pop a certs. it figures it would take the breakup of the soviet union for roy to get lucky, huh? roy biggins? no! no, no, no. oh. sorry. roy biggins? no. no, no, no.
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but listen, do you know ludmilla blova? anya? roy biggins? yeah. that's me. i am anya volkova. pleased to make your acquaintance. oh, no, no. the pleasure is mine. uh, you're, uh... you're even prettier than your picture. i'm sorry. mine must have gotten lost in the mail. no problem. you are just as i imagined, even handsomer, yet. really? you're not disappointed? now, the truth? ah, good, roy. give her every opportunity to let out one of those fay wray screams. i'll just take anya to her hotel. you're taking her to a hotel? she's traveled halfway around the world all by herself. she doesn't know anyone in this country. excuse me. i'm helen chappel. i'm a friend of... i know roy.
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oh, that is very kind. you approve? oh, yeah. i'll pick you up tonight, we'll go out. it is acceptable. "acceptable."
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whoo! hi, case. hi. oh, i'm sorry i sprung anya on you without even calling. all by herself. she's such a shy, little, mousy thing. how am i looking? yeah. wow! that is gorgeous on you. yes, i am a real cupcake? yeah. and i have got a great bag to go with that outfit. and matching shoes? and a cinch belt! haven't we bonded?
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do you think my fiance roy biggins will like me this way? well, you're breathing. for roy, everything else is gravy. i'm sorry? nothing. i wanted to ask you a personal question. weren't there any wonderful men like roy in your country? let me tell you a little about village where i come from. i love stories about quaint, faraway places. everyone is unemployed, inflation is 2,000% the ruble is kaput, the russian mob runs everything and the really lucky women have husbands who come home sober twice a week. uh-huh. so how's the night life? i get why you want to leave but to marry a total stranger-- isn't there anything else you can do? like in my profession i could go anywhere and earn a living. oh, you are lucky.
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in art history. well, no, it's no short order cook. all i'm trying to say is you may have some options. i hear what you are saying but my fiance roy biggins is good man and i make solemn vow to him. well, i don't think you really know him. oh, yes, i do. from his faxes, i know him: his fine mind his good deeds he reveres his mother and he has remained celibate until marriage. when you get married don't you want to marry for love? oh, helen, it's easy for you to say. you have high school sweetheart-- that big bohunk joe. ( doorbell chimes ) but for me, it's different.
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hi! yeah, yeah, hi. where's anya? whoa! you are pleased? pleased?! "pleased" doesn't quite say it. you are so elegant. so, what do you say we go tie on the old feed bag? i've got a good idea. why don't you take her to the left bank cafe? why do we want to go there? they have some lovely paintings and anya loves art. since when? since she got her doctorate in art history. art history? i thought it was archery. the left bank cafe sounds nice. oh, no, no, no. i want to take you to my special place, the casa kielbasa. you're going to love it.
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ah, even better. okay, fay, pop quiz. oh, no, lowell, not again. your friends are going to be here tomorrow. if we're going to be a believable couple then we got to get our stories straight. first time we met was a: the supermarket check-out line b: church social c: lollapalooza two. look, lowell, we've been doing this all day. back off. fay, fay, so many walls. holy cow! is that the same girl? oh, my god. she looks incredible.
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your only two choices in life being roy or siberia? one is cold, vast and depressing and the other is way the hell in russia. hi. hi. apparently, my fiance, roy biggins is momentarily busy. would you like some coffee? thank you. helen? my, renoir's "dancing at bougival." this is one of my favorite paintings. this book is yours? no. someone must have left it here. oh. look, it's from the museum of fine arts in boston. oh, all these beautiful paintings. this boston, is it far? oh, it's about an hour by air. i'll fly you. oh, good. it's still here. oh, this beautiful book is yours? i'm sorry. uh, that's okay.
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i guess we both go for the impressionists. but i am mad also for the expressionists-- klee, kandinsky, jean arp... oh, arp? i love him. i've always admired the dada school. i guess you could say your heart belongs to dada. don't get me wrong but you're an embarrassment to our country. by the way, i'm evan daniels. i'm anya volkova. so pleased to meet you. you know much about art. i teach art history at boston university. oh... it's just like a fairy tale-- the prince and the princess in a romantic encounter by the enchanting brook.
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anya, this may seem terribly forward but, uh, i'd love to show you the museum. oh, there's my girl. anya, i know how much you like this artsy stuff so i brought you a little something. ( sighs ) that is, uh... unbelievable. who's this? oh, this is evan daniels. he's art professor. this is my fiance roy biggins. you're engaged? that's right, pal. send away for one of your own. well, uh... i'd better go. wait. don't forget your book. you keep it. it was extraordinary meeting you, anya.
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good-bye. good-bye. good-bye. oh, you're lucky you're engaged to me. that's what's out there in the dating pool. i'm so glad roy saw that. now he's got to call it off. anya. yes? we both know what, uh... what's going on here. let's get married tomorrow. we couldn't ask for a better rapport and the physical thing is obviously happening, so... so be it. if it is to be done, it best be done quickly. oh, you don't know how long i've waited
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