tv Face the Nation CBS November 27, 2016 10:30am-11:30am EST
(fingers snapping rhythmically) ? they're creepy and they're kooky ? mysterious and spooky ? they're altogether ooky ? the addams family ? the house is a museum ? when people come to see 'em ? the addams family man: neat. sweet. petite. ? so get a witch's shawl on ? a broomstick you can crawl on ? we're gonna pay a call on
toro! toro! tish! that sets my spanish blood aflame. bubele. that sets the rest of my blood aflame. one, two, fat go away. three, four, muscles stay. pugsley, darling, what are you doing? exercising. she called me fatso. she? my girl, marie. she said she wasn't going to go with me anymore unless i got some muscles. muscles? oh, how vulgar. fester: morticia, gomez. hey, morticia, gomez.
and she says... uncle fester. please, dear, not now. later. we have a little problem. we caught the boy exercising. well, what's wrong with that? girls like guys with v-figures. the only trouble is, mine's upside-down. now, pugsley, dear, a man's charm comes from inner strength. not from outer bulges. look at your father, did you ever see a better example d the whole thing without a single push-up, pull-up, sit-up, sweat-up. the entire thing accomplished through the sheer glory of zen-yogi. zen-yogi has made your father what he is today. that plus the sheer beauty of his soul. querida. darling. let's have no more talk of biceps and triceps.
do as your father does. okay, mother, i'll try. darling. oh, just look at him. gaining inner strength. inner strength and a flat head. fester, don't knock anything until you've really tried it. how true, darling. now, uncle fester, your letter from yvette. oh, forget it. (thumping) gomez, darling, did you hear something? just a thump. (thumping)
what he's up to. he'll be coming through the ceiling in a minute, we can ask him. i have a better idea. (gong resounding) you rang? yes, lurch. would you go upstairs and check on uncle fester? there seems to be a lot of thumping going on up there. yes, mrs. addams. you thumped. oh, lurch. i'm in terrible shape. so i see. remember my french pen pal, yvette? folies-bergere. she's coming here to visit me. oh, c'est si bon. you can say that again. she thinks that i'm 6'3" and built like cary grant.
well, it's not that bad. i've got a couple of days to get in shape. but zen-yogi isn't gonna do it. corset? corset! 'course not. no. i'm gonna go on a crash program of diet and exercise, but secret. secret? yeah. you know how gomez and morticia feel about exercise. they think it's silly. i'll have to do it early in the morning. hey, i'll do it with that guy on tv, jack la lanne. the muscle man. he's on at 6:50 in the morning. (moaning) what are you moaning about? i'm the one that's gotta get up and do it! jack on tv: one, two, three, four. one, two, three, four. come on, ladies, hit it. one, two, three, four. one...
shoulders back, squat. hit it. one, two, three, four. one, two, three, four. come on, one, two, three, four... what is he doing? he's either dancing to the late late show or exercising to the early early show. one, two, three, four. hi. isn't that jack la lanne, the physical culture fellow? never heard of him. gomez. good thinking. fester: psst. hey. i can't get you on tv anymore,
i need help. you know, you said it was an emergency and it certainly is. you know, i've seen people let themselves go. but you're almost gone. touche! morticia. isn't that that television fellow with uncle fester? i do believe it is. that's odd having him here. fester's up to something. and underhanded? only when he was up to something shady. say, what do you generally eat? oh, the usual thing. eye of newt. puree of aardvark. roast yak. you know, they say we're what we eat. and, mister, you really are. look, it's all in this booklet. this is the astronaut's guide.
an emotional disturbance? a health problem? we're getting warm. a health problem. darling, you're right. uncle fester's ill. of course, that's it. it's written all over his face. just had to keep probing. thank you, lurch. thank you for being so helpful. what are you doing? relaxing. fester, old boy. your problem is solved. it is?
you're going in there? good luck, charlie. (gate creaking) (stammering) i'm doctor motley. follow me. doctor motley. just a moment, doctor, where are you going? i am going to nail up a quarantine sign. i can tell just by looking at you, there's an epidemic in this house. really, doctor, there's no need for hysterics. only one of us is sick.
st hasn't been himself. oh, i'm not sick. i just had a complete physical examination. blood pressure, perfect. pulse, perfect. reaction time, perfect. liver, so-so. so-so? well, you can't win them all. who performed this examination? i did. it may not be perfect, but it saves a lot of time. fester, where are you going? up to my room to sharpen my scalpel. your scalpel? yes. if my liver count keeps dropping, i may have to operate. uncle fester. as long as doctor motley is here, how about an examination? oh. need the practice, hey, doc? if it weren't for my hippocratic oath,
you see anything, doctor? yes, i see a face with pince-nez glasses. fester's head? either in or... let's try it from another angle. do you still see that face, doctor? no, now i see a moose's head. by george, fester always did like to keep an open mind. you know what i think? don't tell me you think he has holes in his head. i think you all have holes in your head. and that includes me. (door slams) poor fellow. those long internships do take their toll. (fester grunting)
how a man can go to pieces right before your very eyes. not only did he pass up lunch and dinner, but look at him. staring at the full moon and doing deep knee-bends. oh, dear, he is sick. usually when the moon is full, he howls at it. darling. you don't suppose his problem could be mental. possible. greater minds than his have been known to crack. yes. one moment, a brilliant nuclear physicist. the next, he was running around los alamos in a three-cornered hat and a powered wig. dear. darling, perhaps i should call a psychiatrist? querida, after our experience with dr. motley? you're right. i'll handle this myself.
you mean to analyze him? we must reach his subconscious. be lucky to reach his conscious. darling, we have to try and help him. but how? there are ways. now, uncle fester. i want you to concentrate. concentrate. concentrate. morticia, you're just wasting your time. the only one that can hypnotize me is me. now, watch. sleep. certainly doesn't waste time on preliminaries. yes, but i think we ought to make sure he's really out. test his reflexes. reflexes? yeah. with a hammer, you know. oh! oh, of course. by george, he's really under.
first question. you've been up to something lately, haven't you? yes. would you care to tell us about it? no. uncle fester. tell us. what's going through your poor tortured mind at this very moment? four, three, two, one. blast off! so that's it. what's it? we know now why uncle fester has been doing all this ridiculous exercising and dieting. we do? of course. he wants to become an astronaut. that's wonderful, the first addams in space. a proud moment, isn't it? no, it isn't. we can't let him go. why not? he's dc. district of columbia? direct current. put dc fester in the ac space capsule, and... nothing left of fester but a plump asteroid. how courageous.
a true addams. he'd set the space program back 20 years. we must save him from his brave folly. but first we better wake him up. oh, yes. uncle fester? uncle fester. oh, what we do now? you're gonna hit him with that? most certainly not, dear. (exclaims) oh, how horrible. i dreamed i was swimming the english channel and halfway across i sank. no use trying to conceal it. i need more exercises. hello, houston? this is morticia addams and i'd like to speak to the head of your astronaut program.
this is a citizen calling. if he could see you in all your loveliness, he'd pop out of bed in a minute. hello? hello, general. this is morticia addams. now, i don't mean to be critical, but i do think you're going a bit far in drafting uncle fester for your next gemini shot. well, not that he isn't willing to go, of course. but we do feel... yes. yes, i do know you have a moon shot in the morning. but that's no reason to lure plump, happy earthlings like uncle fester away. now, now, now. general. that kind of language will not solve any problem. i... general? what did he say? i think the phone went dead. morticia.
good heavens! the general's language must have burned up the phone wires. (fester humming) things have come to a pretty pass when a man can't have any privacy in his own steam cabinet. uncle fester, you can stop this ridiculous exercising. what astronaut program? ours, of course. unless you sold out to the russians. boy, are you off-base. i'm doing this for my pen pal, yvette. exercising for a pen pal? sure. she's from the folies-bergere. and she's gonna come over here and visit me. and when she gets here, i'm gonna be real trim and sexy. miss yvette.
nonsense. fester, old man, you have to go upstairs and face the music. oh, not with this body. perhaps she'll love you for your soul. well, that's even fatter. come on. lurch. where's our visitor from overseas? in the conservatory. oh, please show her in. yes, mrs. addams. you know, morticia, when she sees me, postal romance is going right down the drain. brace up, uncle fester. she'll love you for what you are. all of it. yvette? of course, cheri, and you must be fester. what an interesting couple.
but i thought you were with the folies-bergere. i am, i take care of the costumes. oh, no wonder she's putting on weight. if she takes care of the costumes at the folies-bergere, she doesn't have much to do. in your letter to me, you said to go on a diet. of course, cheri. but to gain weight, not to lose it. you are nothing but skin and bones. not my type at all. t la vie. yvette, you spoke french! of course, cheri. what do you expect from a french girl, hungarian? that's an interesting point. well, i must hurry, my cab is waiting. keep writing, cheri. well, if you can't believe in the folies-bergere, what's left for a fella? well, one good thing, fester,
but you've tuned in on rin tin tin. there. that's it. fester, is anything wrong? need a little recharging, that's all. what's going on? you're just in time for the moon shot. oh, that. i went through that whole astronaut booklet from cover to cover. i could have gone up in that rocket. i even volunteered to. but it's not what you know, it's who you know. (shushing) i think they're getting ready for the countdown. man on tv: five. four. three. five. four. three. two. one... two. one. blast off. that's the addams determination.
- oh boy, oh boy! - where are we, huh? - [driver] we've been driving for three days, yeah? - we're in texas. - oh. - this is my aunt kate's little green house. - are you sure aunt kate won't mind us coming? - the last time i was here she said, "drop in anytime!" - when was that? - spring of '54. (laughs) (gun shots) - it's a good thing she wasn't thrilled to see us. (horses sadly neigh) - hey, that's aunt kate. i think we picked a bad time to come, we better leave. (western music) (gun shots zing and horses gallop) - i think we picked a bad time to leave, let's stay. let's go help 'em, c'mon! micky! (gun shots) (bullets pierce doorway) - ahh! - hey aunt kate! - michael! - yeah!
- oh. (bullets zing and gun shots) - here's a rifle, military rifle for you, rifle for you, rifle for you, ok, ready guys? - hey guys, i don't have a gun. - i don't either, have a gun? - do you have a gun? - no, somebody got a gun? - no. (gun shots) - winchester '73. - colt .45. - smith and wesson .38. - vintage '66! - how in the world do you expect to - you're right, i wish i had vintage '55. (water droplet) (bell rings) (party horn) happy new year! (bell and party horn) (gun shots) - "happy new year", what is this stuff... (gun shots) - bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. - what is this, "bang bang bang" stuff? - well, i hate violence, besides i have more shells than you do, bang, bang, bang, bang. bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
the war, get it right, that's nesmith! - i thought mike's name was nester. - n.a.p.k.y.o.r.j.p. - no no, 'nester' means farmer. he's right, he means 'nesters'. - oh, oh hey, i'm sorry, i didn't realize, you know, and it seems like you were right in the first place so, go ahead with your speech. - i ain't gonna quit 'til i drive ya off your ranch. - oh hey, that's alright we'll take a taxi. - ok boys, open up, we'll fill that cabin so full o' holes it'll look like-a swiss cheese. - ahhhhhhh! - alright. - he's throwing everything at us with the kitchen sink! - next time will ya keep your mouth shut? - right, mouth shut. ("the monkees theme" by the monkees) ? (lyrics) here we come, walkin' down the street ? we get the funniest looks from everyone we meet
(thud) - get back, get back, i'll get it! (turns sink handles to start the water) ok, ok, it's safe, it's safe. - oo, he saved us, he saved us! - oh davy, congratulations! - hey, way to go, davy baby! - that ain't just women, they gotta lot of fire-power in there. - yea, let's beat it. - hey look it, they're leaving, they're leaving. - alright! - hooray! (cheers) (horses gallop away) y're spliting, they're running, we did it, they're leaving, yeaaah! (cheers) - happy new year! - happy new year! (cheers) (spring boing) - i wouldn't be to happy about that, they'll be back. - but we won't (cheers) bye-bye. - hold it guys, we've gotta stay. - oh (cheers) we've gotta stay, yeah! - yes. - why. - why? why? well, because a man's first obligation is to his kinfolk. - right! - and because it's better to have a brave death, than a cowardly life. - right.
- well, i'll tell ya one thing, if we're gonna stay here, somebody's gotta go and get help. - i'll go, i'll leave, i can help. - hey, what about me? - they'll go. - you'll find the marshall in town, and uh, try to act a bit more western, 'cause around here, they don't take kindly to strangers. (boing) - no, peter, no, no, no. you have to open the top one first. - i understand. (whistle decreasing in pitch) - oh, micky... - what in the world is going on here, aunt kate? - well, ever since a year ago, black bart and his men have been trying to drive me off my ranch. - young man, i want to thank you for helpin' us. - oh, it was my pleasure. - oh, i'm sorry... aunt kate, that's davy jones. davy, that's aunt kate. - hello. - hello, davy. - [michael] oh and this is uh... oh, i'm afraid i don't know this lady, here. (sexy music) oh my... (laughs) - don't you remember, your baby cousin, lucy? - huh? lucy? are you l-- well, what, well, whatever happened to the buck teeth, the knock kneed,
- that's your other cousin, clara, she still looks the same. - oh, merciful heavens. (western horse galloping music) - hey micky, how come i have to where all this? - cause aunt kate said they don't like strangers in town. besides, you look very psychedelic. - oh (laughs) "how". - well, it's the peace symbol and the beads mostly. - oh, ok. - come on, let's go. - right, kemosabe. - what does kemosabe mean? - hey (laughs) don't ask. - come on. (door opens) (snoring) (door slams) - marshall? (whistles) - hey. - marshall? hey, marshall! - huh? hey, don't you recognize the famous mask? and the famous indian companion, pronto? and the famous silver bullets? - hey, wait a minute, i think i do. (opens drawer) - suuuure. - oh, here we are, "the lone stranger". - right! - "wanted for murder," you're under arrest! - huh? - i think we're in a lot of trouble, pronto. - what do you mean, 'we', white man. - wait a minute, i'm not "the lone stranger", i'm micky dolenz, and i'm here to report a raid at kate nesmith's ranch.
busy shooting. - oh, outlaws? - my tv series. - oh. (pronto laughs) how about this evening? - no, eh, emmy dinner tonight, i'm up for an award! - awe, congratulations! - that's enough outta you, injun! tell you what to do, you go down to the saloon and hire some outlaws. - you, a marshall, is tell me, a micky dolanz monkee, to go to a common, ordinary bar and hire common ordinary criminals? - oh, that's what i'd do whenever i need a posse. - it's them, they're coming back! - it's alright! the cartwheels. - who are they? ben cartwheel and his two sons. mule and little mo, they own half the valley. - hello kate, how are you? - hi, ben. - well, i haven't seen you for some time (chuckles) hey, uh, water my horse, will ya, son? - water your horse, i'm not a stable boy! - i don't care about your mental condition, water my horse!
- no need to worry about kate, mr. cartwheel, i'll protect her. - well kate, these boys can't protect you. now why don't you sell your spread out to me, you won't have to worry about black bart. - why ben, this ranch has been in my family for years, i do thank you, but i don't aim to sell. - alright kate, but my offer's always good. - thank you. - hey, what are you doin' there? - you asked me to water your horse, didn't ya? (ragtime music) - not now, this is a family show! - family show. - excuse me, stranger. - ok, big fella. - hey bartender, i hear you got some men here with prices on their heads. - that's right! - yeah well, there they are. - what are you gonna have?
- sling me a sponge, bartender. - what's yours, injun? - milk, and leave in bottle. - milk. - hey red, i didn't know you chewed tobacca'. - i don't, bubble gum. - i wanna see if these guys are really tough, maybe bart can use 'em. we came to get some hired guns. - it's tough to get hired guns, hired guns pretty fast on the draw. - yeah, i want 'em faster the better. - you fast? - yeah, i'm fast, wanna see me draw? - yeah. - right over there. (drum roll) - wanna see it again? - you wanna hook up with black bart? - yeah, 'hook-up', that's exactly what we want to do. (laughs) 'hook-up', yeah, you with me?
- black bart come to no man. - but i like your spirit, i'll get my hat and we'll go. - hey micky, what are you doing? - i thought he meant 'hook-up', like in a fight, i didn't know he meant 'hook-up' and then we're gunna be criminal with him (pouts) act tough. - go stake out the nesmith place. (cannon blast) - act tough, you know? - my cattle was grazing right around here, then they started dying. - i can take this dirt into town, i'll have it analyzed. when i get back, i'll know one of two things. - what's that? - well, either this dirt is the cause of all your trouble, or i'm getting my hands dirty for nothing. - hmm. (laughter) - alright big loser, i'll see your hundred,
- how'd you know, red? (red laughs) - i'll call ya. - there's only one guy left at the nesmith ranch, and now is the time to get 'em. - soon as bart gets back. - get over there, and warn 'em, i'll cover you. - right. - hey, where's he goin'? - uh, he just went out to take a ride. - if he ain't back here in 10 minutes, i'm killin' you. (gasps) - he'll be back, uh, pete, 10 minutes, he'll be back, nine minutes and 50 sec-- he'll be back about 9.50, peter's always back on time. nine minutes and 55, peter's always back, and when he says he'll be back in 10 minutes, boy, he'll be back in nine minutes and 30 seconds now. nine minutes and 30 seconds, pete!
- quick get the cartwheels for help. - i'll go for the cartwheels now. what happened to his head? oh, oh, oh hey, help, mr. cartwheel! (neigh) oh, mr. cartwheel, oh, mr. cartwheel. ohh, oh. mr. cartwheel. - what's the matter? - black bart is going to raid to ranch. - he is? how do you know? - one of his men told me. - oh good work, son, go tell - but mr. cartwheel, there's only one thing i'm afraid of. - what's that? - i don't think this horse is going to find it's way back to the ranch. ahh, ohhh, ahhh, mr. cartwheel (neigh) hey, hey! (ragtime music) - uh hello, can you tell me where the assayer's office is? - this is it. - oh. well, what i'd like is to have that analyzed. can you tell me what that is? - i don't have to analyze it, i can what it is right now.
go on, get it outta here. - oh, i'm sorry, hey no wait a minute, i really need to know what's in there, it's important. - alright... it's crude. - oh, well that's ok, go ahead and tell me anyway. - no i mean, it's crude, crude oil. purest sample i've ever seen! - it's oil? oh, it's oil. well, thank you very much. - oh. - davy should have gotten help by now. - you're right. alright, where's this black bart? i gotta cool eye, and a mean hand, and itchy trigger finger. (door opens) - here, i am. what are you going to do about your itchy trigger finger? - oh i don't know, i thought i'd put a little talcum powder on it, and scratch it
somebody was just at the nesmith ranch, who was it? - the injun! - we're in a lot of trouble, micky. - what you mean, 'we', injun? - who's he? - ahh, he's new. - are you a killer? - yeah, sure i'm a killer. - well, kill him. - i can't kill him he's my best friend, i've known him for two-- - ahhh! - oh, we're in a lot of trouble. - cover 'em. - kate, you started this ranch with handful of dirt and a dream. now, with this oil we found, you'll be one of the wealthiest ranchers in texas, not to mention having the dirtiest hands. - you're going to be filthy rich. if we survive. - "if we survive?" ho, ho. the cartwheels will be here any minute to save the day. besides that, if we run out ammunition, we can always throw money (laughs)
and they knew about the oil. - oil, oh aha, that's why they want aunt kate to move off her ranch. there's oil in them ther' ranch. - but what good would an oil well, or even a string of oil wells do you? - it would give me the one thing i want more than anything else in the world. - what could that be? - statehood, for my ranch. (horse sounds) - micky, do you think they're dressing us up like this, man? - well, one of two reasons, peter, my boy. either they're going to blame us for the killings, or they've already dressed us for our funerals to save time. - oh. take that woman alive. i want to give her one last chance to sell out. - supposin' she won't. - well, then we'll kill her and fake her signature. course, we'll try it the clean way first. i'd hate to resort to forgery. (partner laughs) - now! - now! - kiai! - no, no, let 'em go, we'll kill 'em over there instead-a here. - (laughs) ok, black! - call me, bart. - bart. - don't shoot, it's us, it's us! - get it, get it, go, go, it's us, it's us!
- what's happenin' here? - we gotta get outta here before cartwheel and his gang get's here. - ben cartwheel? - also, known as "black bart". - that's ridiculous. ben cartwheel's the kindest millionaire in whole valley, he wouldn't hurt a fly. - flies? no, but if you're a human he'll kill ya. (gun shots) - run! (gun shots) - don't shoot, don't shoot! ("words" by the monkees) (gun shots) (glass breaks) (gun shots) ? (lyrics) girl, don't you know every time i see you smilin' ? hurts so bad cause when i see you, i start tryin' ? try everything to stop but there's no denying
? ohh, how can i make you stay, don't turn away ? i can still hear you saying those ? words that never were true (gun shots) ? spoken to help nobody but you ? words with lies inside ? but small enough to hide ? 'til your playin' was through ? you won't turn around or slow down your walkin' ? i've given you everything with kiss to seal it ? you had to get your kicks outta to steal it ? now, i'm standing here
? words that never were true ? spoken to help nobody but you ? words with lies inside ? but small enough to hide ? 'til your playin' was through, ah ? now, i'm standing here ? strange, strange voices in my ears, i feel the tears ? but all i can hear are those ? words that never were true ? spoken to help nobody but you ? words with lies inside
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d have taken her advice ? i only want to go on home ? i'd gladly leave that girl alone ? what a way to spend the night ? if i don't drown, i'll die of fright ? my pappy taught me how to float ? but i can't swim a single note ? he threw me in to teach me how ? i stayed there floatin' like a mama cow ? and now i've floated way down stream ? i know this has to be a dream ? if i could find my way to shore ? i'd never, never do this anymore ? i'll give you three, i've been down nine goin' down, i'm goin' down ? back, back, back, go, go, back back back ? back back back home, gotta go back home ? back back back, get there, back back back home ? back back back back home ? back back back, i'm goin' home, back home ? i'm goin' down, i'm goin' back home ? i'm goin' back home, back to my friends
? back back back home, ah ? now the sky is gettin' light ? and everything will be alright ? think i finally got the knack ? just floatin' here lazy on my back ? i never really liked that town ? i think i'll ride the river down ? just movin' slow and floatin' free ? there's a river swingin' under me. ? waving back to the folks on shore thought of this before ? i'm floatin' on down to new orleans ? goin' to pick up on some swingin' scenes ? i know i'll know a better day ? i'll go down groovin' all the way ? goin' down, i'm goin' down, i'm goin' down ? back back back home, i'm goin' back down ? back back back, i'm goin' home ? let's go, let's go, go back go back
the department of ufo information, mr. pat paulsen. paulsen. - i've come before these cameras tonight to tell you that you and that we, both human beings and animals, are not alone. at this very moment, walking upon the face of our mother earth, are aliens from outer space. you may pooh-pooh this statement, but i must say emphatically (thump), don't pooh-pooh it! day by day there is increasing evidence of the alienation of our planet. many of us blame our leaders. many of our leaders blame us. but the truth lies, as always, beyond our reach. we are being attacked by outer space. these invaders, these aliens from outer space,