tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 28, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> a silly idea, isn't it? yes. buckley at the football game. "there's the kickoff." uh, we're back. uh, course we're back. yeah. what does that say? lynn redgrave is gonna be with us shortly, but right now, we have a young man who's been with us before. uh, he's a fine young comedian. tomorrow night, november the 18th, he's gonna be appearing with andy williams in evansville, indiana. november 19th, he'll be at the marriot hotel in santa clara, california. and on december 3rd, he'll be at the fairmont in oakland, california. would you welcome, jerry seinfeld? jerry? [ applause ] [ music ] >> thank you, thank you. well, i'll tell you somethin' about television. it's gettin' scary. i was-- i mean, it's gettin' scary. i was watching "that's incredible." they had a guy on who caught a bullet between his teeth. i'm not making this up. anybody see this guy? [ applause ] the guy catches-- this is his act.
how do you learn to do this? [ laughter ] do they toss it to you a few times? [ laughter ] what's-- throw it at the guy? what's the warm-up? put it in a gun-- "okay, bill, "this one's gonna be coming "a little bit faster, now." [ laughter ] you know what i really feel badly about? that i-i can't remember this guy's name. he caught a bullet between his teeth. you know, i saw him do it. i forgot his name. now, if he knew that i forgot his name after watching him do that, wouldn't he feel like, "do i have to do..." [ laughter ] "to really impress this guy? "catch a cannonball in the eye?" [ laughter ] i'll tell ya this: if you're a burglar, this is definitely a house you don't want to break into, you know? you don't want to surprise this guy in the middle of the night, have to shoot him in the bedroom, he comes walkin' out-- [ spitting noise ] "think ya got the wrong house, "pal." [ laughter ] [ applause ] "what was that, a .22?
[ laughter ] i go to the movies a lot more than i used to. i love the movies, although i find the theaters confusing. sometimes i sit there and i don't know if i'm in a specially selected theater, or just a theater "near you." [ laughter ] [ applause ] i used to be afraid of the theater near you. how do they know where i am? [ laughter ] what if i move? [ laughter ] everybody knows the specially selected theaters 'cause they have that very expensive candy, you know? you know you're gonna get killed on the candy price when they put it in the glass case, 'cause now they think they're selling you jewelry. [ laughter ] i gotta walk up to the guy, "i'd like to see something "in a milk dud, if i could." [ laughter ] "nothing too garish, of course." sometimes the guy'll take out one milk dud, put it on a black velvet display board there. "gee, that's a beauty.
"that's a 2-carat dud. "take a look at that." "we've been looking "around a lot. "i think we should go "for something nice." and who buys the horse bucket sized popcorn? [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't need that quantity of anything! it's a huge-- it's an ins-- it comes with ear hook things that you can put it on, there. [ laughter ] kinda wear it like a feed bag. it's-- it's gotta be the people that sit in the front row, you know? you sit in the front row, you're watching faces 20 feet tall all that time. by the time you get out to the candy counter, they'll give you popcorn that big, you'll go, "yeah, "that's about right. "thanks." "my head is this big, right?" [ laughter ] oh. the important thing is to go out, go to the movies. go wherever you go. you know, get out. people-- you know, your clothes like getting out.
your clothes, their entire lives, they wait. [ laughter ] everything in your wardrobe that you're not wearing right now is home, waiting, hoping to get picked tomorrow. [ laughter ] that's what-- [ applause ] d'you know what your clothes like the best? laundry day. you know, that's when they get to do things, and you wait for them. [ laughter ] you put the clothes that's a nightclub for clothes. it's dark, they're dancing around in there-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] they always seem to be having such fun. a shirt grabs the underwear-- "come on, babe." [ laughter ] then an article-- there's always an article from someone else's laundry ends up in yours. "hey, who's that?" [ laughter ] "good dancer." i wish i had that much fun
shower can be a little weird. ever have, uh-- i had some people staying over at my house one time, and-- you ever have this? you go-- they go in the shower, and then you go in the shower a couple of hours later and one of their little hairs is stuck on the wall. [ laughter ] you know, you wanna get rid of it. but you don't wanna touch it. [ laughter ] i don't know how it got up that high in the first place. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and we have to-- you have to do something, right? and we all do the same thing, i bet. first, you take the showerhead, aim it at the hair. [ laughter ] that never works. you have to get a pool of water from under the shower and over to the hair-- [ laughter ] get it down a foot at a time like that, but you don't have to touch it. that's the most important thing in your life at this time. thank you very much.
>> that's clever material. >> oh, thank you. >> good, clever stuff. >> i feel funny tonight. >> why's that? >> i dunno. i-i'm tryin' to get out of the-- i got robbed, uh-- >> somebody mentioned that to me. really? >> i really did. >> that's traumatic. >> it's very, uh, you know, it was my car. they took the, uh, stereo they break the glass and they took the stereo out. so my friends, you know, they said, "you gotta call "the police." so i call the police, i tell them the stereo was stolen outta my car. they were of course shocked. [ laughter ] they never heard of a thing like this happening, apparently. i had to console the officer that i spoke to. but it's just nothing that can be done about it, you know? it's-- we live in a huge city here. it's-- it's not like batman where there's four crooks-- everybody pretty much knows who they are. [ laughter ] "what was it, a sony?
[ laughter ] >> the joker got that, yeah. that's the trouble with those things. you put that-- they-they spot that stereo and-- >> yeah. >> rip city, right now. >> i always try and protect your things, you know, like-- but it-it doesn't work. you know, i mean, like-- this is a dumb thing i always do when i go to the beach. you know, before i go in the water, i put my wallet in the sneaker, you know. who's gonna know, right? [ laughter ] what criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? [ laughter ] a-1 safety, yeah. >> or i put my tv set in the back of the-- you ever move a tv set and you put it in the back of the car, and you put a sweater over it? [ laughter ] just a couple of sweaters, that's all. one of them happens to be square with antennas. it's a sweater! >> who would know? >> yeah. >> we'll take a break. we'll be right back.