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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 29, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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you can dial the phone. you can go to kindergarten. last year you couldn't do any of that. >> because i was nothing. [ laughter ] >> you were never nothing. you just weren't five. >> five now. >> and now you can do things that you could never do before, so what do you thing about that? >> yay, five. >> yay, five. >> mommy, how old are you? >> old. >> yay, old. [ laughter ] >> yeah. you're pretty good. >> thank you. >> okay. you're a nice young lady, and it's nice to meet you. i hope we'll stay friends. okay? >> okay. >> would you come back, and see us every so often? let us know how you're doing. >> okay. >> okay. thanks for coming. i know you have to leave now, and you have a happy christmas. will you? >> okay. >> okay. thank you. i will. [ applause ] good night.
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my next guest you all know. george is one of the most funniest guys working today. he's just published a new book called "sometimes a little brain damage can help". [ laughter ] would you welcome george carlin? [ applause ] [ music ] >> how you doing? thank you. nice to see you. i haven't been here in about six months, so i've got a few things stored up i wanted to mention to you, so i'd like ta with the meditation tonight if you don't mind. any new business? anybody with real needs? [ laughter ] it's just johnny. johnny will be in charge of real needs tonight. [ laughter ] we missed a couple of holidays together, and we just had a recent holiday, and i just wanted to make sure that everyone had a really nice, happy halloween. i like halloween. don't you? halloween is fun. we did something a little different this year. we're kind of on a health kick at our house, and when the kids came around trick or treating. instead of giving them candy we gave them a vitamin b12 shot.
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yeah. it takes two people. one to hold the kid. the other one to give him the shot. [ laughter ] give them a handful of zinc tablets, and send them on their way. you know. [ laughter ] also thanksgiving has come and gone since i saw you last, and again. we did something a little bit different. we didn't have turkey this year. we had a seagull. [ laughter ] you ever have them? they're nice. they're a little fishy, you know, but-- [ laughter ] great thing about a seagull. you don't have to add too much salt. [ laughter ] by the way, have you not [ laughter ] also easter rhymes with keister. [ laughter ] however, nothing rhymes with nostril. i figured that stuff all alone. [ laughter ] hey. i'm feeling fairly good. i like to keep hurrying here because i never know which one of these things are going to die. [ laughter ] but i did have kind of a good day. a lot of comedians will tell you that. i had a really good day. i found some macaroni and cheese this morning that i lost about a year and a half ago.
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everything has happened prior to now? [ laughter ] well, this is the kind of stuff i think of when i'm walking home alone backwards. [ laughter ] also how come there are no b batteries? [ laughter ] it bothers me. i think kleenex should have targets in them. don't you? would that be nice? [ laughter ] look, dan. a 50. [ applause ] that's what we need. right. superman never pulls up for a landing? he jumps out a window like that. he flies like this, but he never goes woah. [ laughter ] also the lone ranger in tanto never got their laundry done. [ laughter ] just something i noticed on my own. by the way, for those of you interested in foreign languages. the german word for blue is blue!
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or something like that. you notice every now and then the news-- they have nothing to say, and they say, "by the way, mickey mouse is 50." i don't care. [ laughter ] i don't care, and i don't want to hear when he's 60. don't tell me. just don't bother. i hope he dies. [ laughter ] i hope mickey dies. i'm glad i said it finally. wow. man. hey. i'm doing rodney. [ laughter ] have you noticed-- [ applause ] have you noticed when you have a hat on for a long time it feels like it's not there, and then when you take it off it feels like it's still there. okay. all right. okay. [ applause ] let's hear it for scotch tape. huh? yay. yay. a lot of great stuff. hey. did you ever-- [ laughter ] did you ever picture a place you haven't been to-- like somebody tells you about their house, but you've never been there, so you form a mental picture, and then when you go there. you see it's different, and then later on that week when you think of their house. do you think of your version,
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it's your choice. [ laughter ] wouldn't show business be great if everybody had their original teeth? that's what i'd like to see. all that weird-- you know, some people really probably got some bad teeth, and sometimes you can tell. you know what i do? i watch the actors, and usually the caps end here, and they've got yellow all back here. [ laughter ] yellow on the bottom. i look for that. that's what i do when i'm home alone, and the television is broken. [ laughter ] did you ever eat two chickens in the same day? sometimes you do. can't help it. sometimes at lunch you have a chicken sad then you go to someone's house that evening, and they have chicken. do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? [ laughter ] did you ever notice in a hotel they give you a sewing kit. you know what i do? sew the towels together. [ laughter ] i don't care. i don't care. it's like juliet said to romeo. get your hands off of me. [ laughter ] hey. is this going out?
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>> only the good parts. >> okay. going straight to their homes. i hope. jeez. i keep thinking it's tuesday. i'm sorry, man. hey. if you want to have a little fun. [ laughter ] if you want to have a little fun. go to miss magazine. go to the main offices of miss magazine, and say, "hey. any of you gals like to come home, and cook me a nice meal?" [ laughter ] speaking of women, by the way. you guys-- when you're trying to pick up a lady. when you ask for her phone number, and it starts with five five five. [ laughter ] speaking of women as i was the last two things i mentioned. i've never made it with a ten, but one night i made it with five twos. [ laughter ] [ applause ] listen. by the way, they found another gabor sister. harpo. [ laughter ]
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listen. you want to have a little fun? harmonize with the dial tone. you ever do that? you don't have a lot to do. pick up the phone, and go-- you go-- [ laughter ] get everybody in your office tomorrow on the extensions and go-- [ laughter ] well, i think that's about it for me. i just wanted to mention one thing to you. remember. you're never alone. you always have yourself. good night. see you later. [ music ] [ applause ] >> two chickens knew each other. we'll be back.
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[ music ] [ applause ] hello, there. thank you, doc. we're talking with author-- this used to be
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in the latter part of the show. >> fit spot. >> so it's fitting right in here. this book is weird, george. >> thank you, john. >> and funny. weird and funny. the book club. >> well, yeah. this is-- i have my own copy here if you don't mind. >> these are subtitles of books you're thinking of-- >> these are books that are being offered right now. if you join now you get all these books free. >> uh huh. >> where to bring a short woman. [ laughter ] never trust a nun with a gunshot wound. [ laughter ] >> how to make a flagpole out of a basketball. >> right. how to remove a cyst [ laughter ] >> adopting the dead. >> very nice. >> yeah. >> a complete list of everyone who enjoys coffee. [ laughter ] >> you can have a career in salt. >> how to get through college without a pencil. [ laughter ] >> are these things that happened when you feel bad at night, or late in the-- early in the morning. >> yeah. as i say. when the tv is broken, and i sit down with my pen and pencil. no pad. just a pen and pencil. [ laughter ] >> pull out your hair, and sing. >> yes.
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fast. see i think people have to be sitting there, and they sort of grow. you've got five in a row, and then you sort of fall out of your chair. [ laughter ] >> what else do we got here? >> this is to be hoped. >> other books. i didn't see that. >> oh. those are ones that i wrote myself. >> the history of music in iowa. >> yes. [ applause ] >> six ways-- oh, i can't read that one. there are so many here that a just a little earthy. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> as they say. >> here's one. eat, run, stay fit, and die anyway. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> the wrong underwear can kill. >> true. [ laughter ] how to filet a panda. [ laughter ] >> when to let your bowels go crazy. [ laughter ] i mean, what is this? >> some people need guidance on these things. [ laughter ] then we have a feature here, johnny. in the future these are some things which are-- you know, according to scientists these things will probably occur. you want to be careful on a couple of these, too, by the way. >> yeah. i have to read these very quickly to make sure. >> in the future i'll try-- i'll start you with one here.
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a huge fee at birth, and then pretty much leave them alone. [ laughter ] >> that'll cut out the middleman right there. >> yeah. absolutely. >> i like that. >> in the future vegetables will grow so large they will have to be eaten right at the farm. [ laughter ] these are the kind of things when you are a kid. they had the-- >> in the future man will control the weather with a large hammer. [ laughter ] >> no one will take drugs, but people will still buy them, and carry them around. [ laughter ] >> american businessman's credo. you've got a lot of things in here. >> yeah. well, it's a lot of-- it's stuff-- you know what it really amounts to, johnny. >> i saw me in here. >> oh, yeah. you're on the page of-- >> i saw myself in here on predictions. >> celebrity predictions. >> don ho will change his name to ho don. [ laughter ] johnny carson will stop getting married, but will continue to get divorced. [ laughter ] you've got to do your reading. continue to get divorced. >> paul newman will give up race driving, and hitch hike across the country in a pirate costume.
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just things that came out of the file. you know, and i decided one day to get them together. >> news from around the world. >> oh. i've got something for you, john, that might even be a little more attractive to you than that. this is called as soon as he found it, he said. well, i ain't going to worry about it now. things you never see. really interesting twins. [ laughter ] a guy who snorts iron ore. [ ht a bum with nice luggage. [ laughter ] >> here's things you'll never see. a lore intestine donor. >> right. [ laughter ] i go right for the weirdos. >> and 80 year old woman with a well coordinated wardrobe. [ laughter ] [ applause ] we got him. >> oh, that's funny. anyway. george carlin. sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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>> well, doing a lot of things in real life, but, you know-- off that path a little bit. we're very interested in charities. as you know i've been working a lot with the malibu home for the unimportant. [ laughter ] we're trying to get a new group together called "vasectomies for the unwilling". [ laughter ] also-- >> the yelling and screaming clinic. i suppose. >> oh, yes. they're right next door. you just move them from one building into the next. >> you're not into the one i donate to. >> what's that? >> the polish home for unwed bowlers is apparently large. [ laughter ] >> that's something i'd like to get tied into if i could. you know, we're interested in the squat people of america are starting to reach out. >> the squat people. >> squat. you know how they say a guy who's short and squat. >> yeah. >> well, there are squat people apparently, and there's a new move to hire the squat. [ laughter ] their slogan is, "we're squat. so what?" [ laughter ] >> so what? good. good. catchy. pithy. right to the point. >> also people who have wet daydreams. there's a new support group for that. [ laughter ] >> wet daydreams. new support group.
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a lot of support groups out here in california. you know, you have-- there's a suicide group. by the way, we have three openings. [ laughter ] >> couldn't get the call through obviously. yes. >> and the coalition for better pancakes. i've been working with them. >> you like pancakes. pancakes are-- international house of pancakes is an interesting organization. >> the international house-- the international house of salt and pepper. i don't get to too often. thank god. i think i'll have a little of this. >> do you-- do you invest in other things other than just show business, or-- >> i've been-- i've been-- you know, i've been [ deleted ]. >> most entertainers are not-- [ laughter ] well put, i think. yes. well put. >> i had so many i had to write them down. >> paine webber had that before. don't get lost. >> right. i've had some bad business. i am into something nice now. it's a lightbulb that only shines on things you really want to see. [ laughter ] >> otherwise it doesn't go on at all. >> and you'll be interested in this, ed. this is a new kind of a combination new years hat,
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[ laughter ] just reverse the elastic. [ applause ] >> right. good. >> inflatable tuxedos for weddings at sea. [ laughter ] toupees with ear laps. [ laughter ] >> never been done. >> that's the new look in west la. >> yeah. >> and black dandruff for people with gray hair. [ laughter ] >> good moves. we'll be right back. stay with us.
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[ applause ] thank you, george. you're funny as usual. >> thank you. >> very funny, and original. i have one. maybe you could help me with this. i think i mentioned it. your mind would pick up on this. if you tell a joke-- >> yeah. >> and there's no one around to hear it. is it funny? >> i'll be back in six months to let you know. yeah. >> those things-- three in the forest. >> real zen like. >> yeah. anyway. where are you headed for?
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and i'll be home in about an hour. [ laughter ] >> okay. wait till he gets home, and then call 818. your area code has probably been changed, too. sometimes a little brain damage helps. [ music ] thank you for being here. ana obregon will be with us tomorrow night. thank you. we'll see you tomorrow. [ applause ]
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? moon river wider than the nile ? my brother's name is lyle ? okay ? - lowell, could you cut that out? - oh, i'm sorry joe, it's just the lyrics, - uh, joe, something very important has come up and i need the afternoon off. - what's wrong, are you okay? - i wanna go to the circus. (audience laughing) - the circus? well, fay all our regular flights are booked. we have a charter this afternoon. there's all this paperwork. - i'll give you a moment to think it over. - joe, you better give her what she wants. never underestimate the lure of the bigtop.
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the smell of that little car when all 17 clowns pile out. - lowell, how would you know-- - wrong place, wrong time, 'nuf said. (audience laughing) - well, what've you decided? - well, fay, i just can't let you have the afternoon off to go to the circus. - okay, i understand. i quit. what's going on? - i'm 62 years old and i've never been to the circus. what's going on is i want to go to the circus and joe won't let me. - hey, hey, hey, don't blame him, it is a school night. - brian, look, you're not helping. fay just quit because i wouldn't let her go. - well, no, it's really not just about the circus. i mean, i've been thinking about it for months. i'm not getting any younger and there are a lot of things i wanna do, like go on a cruise. maybe take a few classes.
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- no, i need more than a vacation. i've been working since i was 20 and i just think it may be the right time for me to retire. - no way, no way, you can't retire. - but brian, my mind's made up. - no, i mean, on what we pay you there is no way you can retire. - i can't believe this, fay. you've been here from the beginning. remember, we started with nothing. it was just you and me and now look at us. it's you, me and brian. - without you, company picnics will be really dull. to make you change your mind? - no, i'm afraid not. it's time for me to move on with my life. - i don't know what to say. - we're gonna miss you. - fay, listen, a few tips about going to the circus. get there early to avoid the crowds. don't fill up on cotton candy. and don't sit up front, the clowns will mess with your mind.
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- i just can't bear the thought of fay retiring. i'm gonna miss her. her sweet smile and her cheery voice. just seeing her every morning year after year has made my life a little more special. - by the way, here's what you owe for the party. - what? i hardly know the woman. (audience laughing) - wow, a party like this only means one thing, - hey, fay would want to leave sandpiper just the way she came in. - drunk? (audience laughing) - that was first day jitters. no, i meant plain, simple, not a lot of fanfare. - well, you nailed it. - oh good, lowell's got the cake. let's see. lowell, this was supposed to say good luck fay instead it's just a lot of squiggly lines.
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you have to do is relax your eyes, focus on the cake and an image of fay will appear. (audience laughing) - [together] i don't see it. - i don't, oh god, she's naked as a jaybird. (audience laughing) - hi. - wow, casey, those are beautiful. - well, it's the least i could do. in the short time that i've known fay i've grown quite fond of her. - makes me feel bad. i didn't get her anything. - well, actually, you did. here's your credit card back. (audience laughing) oh my god. can't we have just one party on this island without the big sandwich? i mean by now, even you people should be sick of it. - oh wow. when you said you were going all out i figured the all american maybe the fiesta.
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- okay, let's get fay in here and get the party started. - would you keep your voice down. she's gonna hear you. - no, no she won't. i sent her out to shovel the slush off the runway. - you sent a woman her age out in the cold to do manual labor? - hey, i didn't want to ruin the surprise. it's her day. (knocking on door) - shh, there she is. come in. - alright, i finished-- - [all] surprise! is this a retirement party? oh, i'm so touched. (gasps) the cordoba. - speech, speech, speech! - wait, wait, wait, before you all get started, i have something to say. (clears throat) this party has got dull written all over it. so, i'll just take a hunk of this to go. see ya, cochran.
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if we roasted fay. okay, i'll start, i'll start. boy that fay, how about her breath after lunch? it's, it's bad. - lowell, lowell. - and how about the way she dresses? it's just bad. - lowell. - have you ever driven in a car with her? she drives bad. fay, i think i speak for all of us when i say hing) - fay, there is something that brian and i would like to say. - that's right. - you've always been very special to us. you've been here since the beginning. honestly, without you, i don't think there would have been a sandpiper. - that's right, fay. you're the heart and soul of this airline and we don't know what we're gonna do without you. - just know that no one could ever replace you. - excuse me, i'm here about the job. - yeah, i'll be there in one minute. so, here, it's a little gift.
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- so, um, how about a few words, fay? - oh no, i couldn't. - okay, let's eat. - although, i suppose a few words would be in order. it all started in a two story row house in syracuse. today they call them townhouses. in new york they call them brownstones. - oh, that's beautiful, let's eat. (audience laughing) - before we start, can you tell me what the position pays? - absolutely, i think that you'll find our salary is very competitive in today's marketplace. - [fay] my very first trip on an airplane was to albany or was it buffalo? - oh really, i never knew that. i'll be right back. shoot me. what happened with the woman? - we were pretty far apart on the money. - she wanted some? - yeah, yeah, yeah. what am i gonna do? she was the only one that answered the ad. fay is leaving.
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i have the perfect person for the job. - really, who? - casey. - no, no, no, no. - why not? - well, to steal a line from lowell, she's bad. (audience laughing) - joe, she's smart, she's a quick learner and she just needs somebody to give her a chance. - but helen, even if i had a severe lapse in judgement and agreed to it, she makes brian nuts. i'd never be able to get him to agree to it. - [fay] let's jump ahead to 1984. reagan was reelected and a lucky former stewardess-- - the woman's lived for many years. not one interesting story. not one. how'd the interview go? - well, she laughed at the salary. - she laughed at the salary, huh? she must have wet herself when you got to the benefits then. (audience laughing) - okay, well, um, i'll leave you two alone 'cause i know you have some business to discuss. - brian, what do you think about casey?
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you want me to kick her out? okay, i can do it quietly. - no, no, no. i'm thinking maybe we should ask her if she wants to take fay's old job. - are you out of your, what, casey? oh. - why not? she's smart, she's a quick learner. she just needs someone to take a chance on her. she'll never take the job anyway. - [fay] when he said new bedford, i thought he said new hartford. see you for a second, please? - freedom! - what is it? fay was just going to tell us about the time that she served jan murray a kosher meal. - casey, we wanted to ask you something. we were wondering if, um, uh.
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wouldn't want to work for me and brian, would you? - work for you? are you serious? - right, stupid idea, enough said. - i'm flattered. yeah, of course i will. - yeah, but, but, we didn't even tell you about the salary. - well, that doesn't matter. what's important is that you think enough of me to take a chance on someone with no qualifications, no experience and no training. (audience laughing)
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- hi. oh, i see your final destination is new orleans. well, that is a beautiful city. now, you make sure to ride the streetcars to the garden district so you can take a walking tour of the homes, okay? bye, bye now. t. - and who was right about it? - c'mon helen-- - who was right? - don't make me say it. now aren't you being a little petty about it? - who was right? - you were. - thank you. - well, gotta go. you just reminded me, i gotta get my dog fixed. (audience laughing) - hey joe, i don't know about casey. i think she's alienating the passengers. you think she's really doing okay? - you kidding me?
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eat. - she's been here for three days and she's changed every thing. - yeah, that's right. she's updated our ticketing system. she's put all our files on the computer. and she's even scraped your spitballs off the ceiling. - and on who's authority? the woman't a climber, joe. i miss fay. she wasn't ambitious or efficient. - yeah, i gotta admit it is kinda strange looking over there and not seeing fay. i wonder where she is right now? - are you kidding? she's probably on some cruise, - please, please, i'm getting another cake flashback. (audience laughing) - hey, hey, you guys you gotta listen to this. i made a tape of fay's last days. it's a collection of her quaint sayings, bits of humor, you know, anecdotes. i call it the best of fay. here's one of my favorites. - [voiceover] lowell, watch the counter for a second, i've got to hit the head.
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- oh, you know what? the altimeter's on the blink and i can't get another one until tomorrow. - aw, damn, alright. well, go tell casey to cancel the flight. - roger. - this is great, this is great. i mean, not only are we out of business for the day, but now the passengers are gonna be furious. we gotta bail casey out. she's never gonna be able to handle this. - attention sandpiper passengers, i have an announcement. - hey, hey, she's talking. take it outside. (audience laughing) - sandpiper regretfully announces that due to unforeseen circumstances, flight 19 to boston has been cancelled. however, if you will follow me to aero mass, i will be happy to assist you in making alternate arrangements. - i guess she did okay. - okay? yeah, right. i remember fay's first cancellation. i believe her exact words were, "now, do you want to be late, mrs. carter "or do you want to be the late mrs. carter?"
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and gave them 50% off vouchers for the next sandpiper flight. - vouchers? we don't get vouchers if we crash. - well, excuse me if i'm wrong, but it just occurred to me, that it was worth the discount to keep them on as loyal customers. and seems to be working because one of the passengers was so grateful, that he gave me these celtics knicks tickets for tonight. - oh, oh, oh, okay, i see. so, because we're grounded you think that you can just take off early and go to a basketball game, huh? , i was going to say that i'm giving them to you and joe. - oh, really? (audience laughing) if we cut out now we can make the opening tipoff. - let's grab a seat on aero mass. - that's not gonna work because i put our passengers on that flight and it's all sold out. - oh great, we get tickets to the celtics game. what, it starts in two hours, what are we gonna do? - there's a 5:00 o'clock ferry to boston. you'll make it in plenty of time. - hey, what do you say we drop a few bucks on the game?
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and oakley's in a slump. take the celtics, skip the points. - okay, break's over, get back to work. (ferry horn blasts) - brian, would you move it. i don't want to miss the ferry. - listen, will you relax. we're 10 minutes early, for crying out loud. besides, i don't get a runs like a swiss watch feeling out of this place. - what'd you bring these binoculars for? we've got floor seats, we're five feet away from the action. - yeah, so how else am i gonna look at the cheerleaders - as the big brother, let me give you a little advice. grow up. - hey earl, will you take my 6:00 o'clock ferry tomorrow night? i got a hot date. - a little advice from your big brother. you should get married like i did and settle down already. - hey, i settle down every night, get it? - why can't you grow up and take life more serious? you can't get by forever on your looks. - don't hate me because i'm beautiful.
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you of someone? - no, what're you talking about? hey, let me have some change. i wanna get some candy. - attention windsurfer passengers. ferry three to boston is departing from pier one. - now, she looks familiar. - fay? - hi joe. hi brian. - fay, fay, what are you doing here? we thought you retired. - oh, well, i was going to go on a cruise and then it was all booked up so i had a little extra time on my hands and this wonderful opportunity came along. stuck in the engine. we're gonna have to dangle you over the side again. (audience laughing) - um, it's not as bad as it sounds. so, what are you two doing here? - well, we're just going to the celtics game. plane's down. - fay, what are you doing working in a place like this? - well, i know it doesn't look like much on the surface,
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what is going on? the truth. - i don't know what you're talking about. - c'mon, standing behind a counter in a terminal making stupid announcements. i mean, what kind of life is that? - alright, um, um. well, it turns out that retirement isn't all that i thought it would be. i mean, i imagined i'd be doing all these wonderful things at to do with myself. i was lonely and i missed everybody. - so, why didn't you just come to us? - oh, how could i? i was so embarrassed. i mean, i made that big fuss about retiring and you threw me that wonderful party and everybody got so teary eyed at my speech. - yeah, the second hour was particularly moving. - fay, we're family.
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- fay, of course, anything. - i want my old job back.
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- i hate this. i'm no good at firing people. - yeah, me either. why do you think you're still working here? (audience laughing) - i'll do it. the look of fear in their eyes when you say, "can i see you in my office?" the way their lower lip starts to quiver when they know it's coming. (audience laughing) (nervous laughter) - so, who's gonna fire her? - fair is fair, i'll flip ya. - you're the one that wanted to fire her since she started here. - she grew on me. i thought she was going to be bossy and overbearing.
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e to do. - yeah, you're right. this is no time to wimp out. the one thing we do know is, we can't keep them both. - attention sandpiper passengers. - flight 20 is now boarding at gate. - one. - [both] have a nice day. - hey guys, i just heard a great joke. how many sandpiper employees does it take to change a lightbulb? four, two to change the bulb (audience laughing) - you know what, roy? that is the difference between you and us. at sandpiper, we're not just about the bottom line, we're about family. - and just like family, they're bleeding us dry. (audience laughing) - hey fay, you know when you left sandpiper, you left some pretty big shoes behind. - oh, thank you, lowell.
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behind the counter. what the hell size are those gunboats, anyway? - did you want something, lowell? - no, uh, yeah, i need you to sign this requisition. thanks. - um, i was just curious, why did you get to sign that? - oh, i'm sorry, dear, if you wanted to sign it, you should've just said something. although, i do have seniority. - well, that's true, you do. so, technically, this is your first day. - well, the next time you'll sign it. it was just a silly requisition form. i mean, who cares? by the way, i know that we're sharing a locker now and i am delighted to do it, but it is getting a little cramped, what with your 10 different outfits, your pedicure basin and your facial steamer. - well, if you'd just remove your clodhoppers, we'd have room for a dinette set in there.
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my new color coded destination tabs. - color coated destination tabs. my, aren't we fancy? - you know, ever since you came back here you have dumped on every improvement that i've made. - let me tell you something. i've been working here for 10 years. you've been here one week. you've got a lot to learn. - i've already learned one thing. i am sick of working with you. look, there isn't enough room out there for the two of us. nk operation into the 20th century and if there's one thing this job has shown me, it is that i have the talent, brains and i can walk into any office, anywhere and score a better gig for better pay. so, for god sake, for once in your life, act like men and make a decision. (audience laughing) attention windsurfer passengers. there will be a slight delay in the departure of the ferry to hyannis while our maintenance staff removes a dead squid from the engine.
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urur squid. i scraped your barnacles. i even bucketed your chum, from now on, i stay behind the counter. i took this rinky dink operation into the 20th century and if this job has shown me anything, it is that i have got talent and brains and that i can walk into any office, anywhere and score a better gig for better pay. so, for god sakes, for once in your life, act like men and make a decision.
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- (gasps) oh. - fay, what do you think? - oh, helen, it's beautiful. - you know, ever since i was a little girl, i dreamed of a dress just like this. now i have the dress and the boobs to go with it. (laughs) - but why are you wearing it in the middle of the airport? - well it was just delivered from new york - whatever you do, don't let joe see you in it. you know, it's bad luck if the groom sees the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony. - i know, that's why i waited til joe was off on his flight. - oh, no, that flight got in early. he's on his way in. - no! if he sees me, i can't wear this dress. - hi, fay, did i get any phone calls? - uh, yes, your barber called, he wants you to confirm your appointment for tomorrow.
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- [helen] out of my way! - oh, well he just realized that he - [fay] go, get out of the way - forgot to even out your sideburns and besides - [helen] move, excuse me! - [fay] you're getting a little ragged around the ears. - [helen] excuse me! excuse me, excuse me, get outta the way! - all right, well, uh, i'll phone him in a little while. i'm gonna grab a cup of coffee. - no, no, no. - lowell, let me in! - ah, just a second, helen. (drill buzzes) okay, now, oh, helen, you're getting that pretty dress all dirty, come on up. - [helen] no, no. no, no. - helen, you look beautiful. that dress is perfect. (helen cries) - oh, nice going. don't you know it's bad luck to see the bride in her wedding dre, oops. (upbeat instrumentals) - oh, joe, i have some good news. - oh, you found a new dress?
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what's your good news? - well, it turns out that the reverend that i really want to marry us is available. - ah, that's terrific. - and so he's gonna come here to meet with us and talk about the ceremony. he can help us come up with something really unique. - uh, how unique? - well, i was thinking maybe a hindu love chant. - no, forget it, no. no, i don't want any of that weird woo-woo stuff at our wedding. - it's not woo-woo stuff, oh maybe it's a little woo-woo. oh, joe, i want woo-woo. to be a guest on the mary pat lee show? - you're kidding. - really? - that's right. they're doing a segment on men who are smart, sexy, and single. - they wanted you? - actually, they were asking about you, but i told them that you were engaged. - really? - no, but i just love that pathetic hopeful look in your eye. - like i really want to be on that stupid show.
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- mary pat lee? i love that show. i mean, i only watch it 'cause it comes on after my stories. - i cannot believe that you get to be on that show. - you're gonna be on mary pat lee? - yes, i am. they said that i can invite all my friends to sit in the studio audience, so you guys are all invited. (gasps) - i'm not gonna miss this. - yeah, it'll be next thursday. - oh, no, thursday's the day we have to meet with the reverend. - why, blow him off, i wanna see brian on tv. - joe, you don't blow off a man of the cloth. besides, thursday's the only day he's available. oh, what's the big deal? it's just a talk show. - just a talk show? obviously, you didn't see the one where mary pat lee broke down on the air and confessed
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(upbeat instrumental music) - fay, uh, did reverend powell call? - oh, i don't know, i've been swamped. - i'm really sorry, but i cannot let you go to see brian's show. i need someone here to take reservations. - and it's a good thing i stayed. i can only handle one of you at a time. - helen, look, this reverend is already over three minutes late. obviously, he's not gonna show, so i'm just gonna get going, so i have time to get to boston and see brian's show. - look, there he is. now, joe, this is our wedding. now, we're not just gonna race through it just because you wanna go to brian's show. - okay, fine, fine, let's get this over with. ah, reverend powell, hi, i'm joe. she's helen. - hello.
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that you took the time to come here and talk with us today. - so, you're getting married. tell me, why? - well, i love her, she loves me, there's not really much more to it. - love to start, but marriage takes work and patience. - patience, got it, anything else? - joe, sweetheart, slow down. we have no place to go. - i'm reminded
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the shepherd was resting with his flock by the side of the-- - road, river, silvery moon? - no, meadow. - can i get you something to drink? a double espresso? - thank you, no. cups today. (upbeat instrumentals) - ah, i can't believe we're here where the magic happens. oh, look, look, right there, right there is where mary pat broke down and confessed she once did a porn video.
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and right here, right here is where she just broke down and confessed that she paid for her tummy tuck out of the show's petty cash. she's human, like the rest of us. - damn. - what's wrong? - you know what? before i left the house this morning i think i might've left my iron on. - eh, so what's the worse that can happen? your house burns down, you lose everything, what's the big deal? - yeah, you're right, let's enjoy the show. , look, there's brian. - hey. - there's brian. hey, look, there's mary pat! - you must be brian hackett. - hi. - hi, i'm mary pat lee. thanks for being here. - hey, hey, hey, i'm very flattered that you asked. - now, what we're gonna do is we'll start with you, we'll take some questions form the audience, and then we'll bring out some of the other guys. - okay. - you're not nervous, are you? - me? nah, nah, nah, in fact i've been on tv before. once with i was two and a half years old, i was on the uncle hippety hop show. i was the one who accidentally went to the bathroom

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