tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 30, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EST
like, i've been in an elevator, you know, and somebody looks at you and they say, "you look like shelley winters." and i say, "a little bit." [ laughter ] >> do you ever get this, "are you who i think you are?" >> yes, yes. >> yeah, you don't know who they might think you are. >> you know, charlie chaplin once told me -- >> did you know charlie chaplin well? >> yes, very well. i'm writing my new book and nobody's going to talk to me after it. >> are you telling more secrets? >> not real secrets. well, it's hard to explain. i don't really write about sex. i write about human experience, and sex is part of human experience. >> well, that's a nice way to put it, yes. did you and charlie chaplin? >> no, no, no. charlie chaplin's son, sidney chaplin, was a friend of mine at the beverly hills tennis club. that's when i could play tennis. >> you really play well. >> no, go ahead. this is fascinating. >> i had $80,000
and the first - i did. honest to god. the first time i played sidney chaplin, he beat me. zero - something. why do they call it love? >> they call it love, as i understand, because is french, a goose egg, or an egg is oeuf, meaning, like a goose egg. zero. >> that's not the french i learned. >> so it comes from that, as i understand. i don't know. >> well, anyway, what did you ask me, before i interrupted? >> i asked did you d >> no, no. he was a friend of mine, before he went to england. he told me that film stars, or television stars should be remote. you sort of stimulate the imagination of the people who watch. >> yeah. >> and when they get to know you, it destroys a dream. but it's very hard not to know you -- >> you lose the magic and the mystery, you mean? >> yeah. but you're in my bedroom
[ laughter ] >> i'm sorry. i could not resist. i apologize right here and now. that's a cheap shot. i knew it. it got here, and i couldn't get it back down, but you know i am joking, and it was a tawdry joke, and that's unlike me and i'm just kidding. it's just rhythm. you know how people work on rhythm? >> well, it's more or less true. [ laughter, applause ] >> you know i don't mean that. it was just one of those silly things. >> alright. where were we? the chaplins. >> we had a list of things. i never remember it. >> oh, to hell with that. i don't even want to talk about those things. >> we were talking about grocery shopping. >> your book. >> yes, my book. well, it's two thirds through. >> tell me some of the secrets in the book. give me one secret. >> no, no. you've got to buy it. [ laughter ] >> no, when it's ready - did i look thinner to you than eight months ago? [ applause ] >> yes, you do. are you dieting, again? >> no, not again.
re-run or something. [ applause ] >> that's wonderful. >> the other night, you had a very funny segment - the 19th - have i been on for 19 years? >> very well could be. >> that's two husbands ago. >> we've been on 25 years. >> really? >> yes. it'll be 25 years next month. >> alright. that's three husbands ago. [ laughter ] >> okay. >> well, i can match that. [ laughter, applause ] >> another one. just came out. >> okay. but you know, in new york, people in my neighborhood - new york is little neighborhoods. >> new york is a little neighborhood? >> yes, each section. >> oh, i see. >> and people are used to me, so they don't bother me. and you have to have exercise. i mean, it's very easy, in california, to go play tennis, or whatever. but i walk,
and now - some people walk dogs. i don't happen to have a dog. >> husband first, then we'll get the dog. >> i walk to a grocery store that's about ten blocks away. i have deliberately not been on the show 30 pounds ago. and now, i want to come on every ten pounds. until i'm size ten, or eight. >> that would be nice. >> well, anyway. >> you're heading for the store. >> i'm heading for the store. would you keep me on track? y when i go grocery shopping, about 96th street and broadway, people say - you know, everybody fifty, or forty and over watches the show every single night. it's obligatory. >> what do you mean, over forty or fifty? >> well, maybe the young kids watch, too, while they're waiting for david letterman. [ applause ] >> what do you think? is this show for old people, or something? >> no, no, no. but people do. say, the mature. the young kids watch, too,
and i go shopping with my cart, and i get this all the time, "shelley, why haven't you done johnny lately?" because i don't feel like doing johnny, now. i want to wait. and this is what happened. so, i'm really satisfying all my grocery friends. [ laughter ] >> so, every ten pounds, you'll come on? >> every ten pounds, i'll come on. we'll keep track, okay? >> a svelte eight. wouldn't that be something? >> nobody's eight. is your wife eight? >> yeah. >> you sure? >> well, you were an eight at one time. sure, you were. >> during the second world war, i was eight. >> i'm aiming for twelve. >> okay, we'll take a break. we're coming right back. [ applause ] attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few days away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower how much you pay out of pocket. to update your coverage- or enroll for the first time -- call healthmarkets.
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healthmarkets takes away the confusion. too often i see my patients paying more than they need to because they don't know what they're entitled to. make sure you have what you need to get the care that's right for you. you have only a few days left. if you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. call a licensed healthmarkets' agent now. call now. call this number by the deadline... and let healthmarkets find the right medicare call now. [ music, applause ] >> okay, we're back. friday is always a good night for comedy, and tom parks is here tonight. he's been with us a couple of times before, and he's also the national spokesman
after he works. he worked comedy clubs all over the country. i think right now, he's up in las vegas at the riviera. would you welcome tom parks? [ music, applause ] >> oh, thank you very much. my first "tonight show" was april first. april fools day. my big paranoia was that i'd get over here and the entire staff ul "you didn't think you were going to be on, did you?" [ laughter ] >> but i was, and it's been nice. now, i've been touring recently, in the deep south. mississippi, alabama, yeah. now, it's tough, living in los angeles, and telling your friends that you're going to mississippi to perform. because my friends are all going, "tom, don't go.
[ laughter ] we've seen them on television. [ laughter ] "their idea of gun control is holding it with both hands." [ laughter, applause ] "they think wrestling is real, and the space program is fake." [ laughter ] now, i was raised in the south. south carolina. [ applause ] >> thank you. it was nothing. [ laughter ] now, i have to explain to californians, y'all - well, now, see there. y'all. it's a great collective. i learned that in the south. as long as you're in the south. but, if you leave the south and say y'all, there is always some jerk that's going to go, "y'all. what y'all?" i finally figured out, as long as you've got one more answer than they've got questions,
they're just yankees. [ laughter, applause ] >> ain't no big thang. now, this is a true story. i'm standing on a stage in new york. i said, "it's been nice being here with y'all." a guy in the front row, "y'all? what's y'all?" i said, "it's a small sailing vessel with two masts. [ laughter ] >> now, he's going, " no, no, you all. what's that?" i said " a little trailer you rent, to haul your furniture around in." [ laughter, applause ] >> i went to high school in the south. i was not a great high school student. i tried everything. i was in debating club. any debaters here? [ applause ] >> i was not a great debater.
"well, you're just stupid." [ laughter ] >> "pinhead." then i tried the karmic opposite of debating club, shop class. now, i was not a great shop student, either. there was always somebody right next to me who was better. some kind of shop genius. i'd be standing there at this big lathe, ma a [ laughter ] >> the guy next to me is making a station wagon. [ laughter, applause ] >> then, woodshop would roll around at christmastime, and everybody would make presents for their father. john duncan made his father
chest of drawers, player piano, gun rack, lamp. [ laughter ] >> i made my father a paper weight. [ laughter, applause ] shaped like a block of wood. [ laughter ] i shellacked it. see, i got my cooking skills from my mom. so i wasn't great. [ laughter ] it's a hard thing to say about your mom on national television, but she can't cook. [ laughter ] >> she doesn't believe it's done, unless it's burnt black. [ laughter ]
[ laughter, applause ] >> i was at a friend's house. i said, "what's that?" he said, "mashed potatoes." i said, "they're not done." [ laughter ] "they're still soft." [ laughter ] >> i was at a picnic and ate my way through half a bag of charcoal. [ laughter, applause ] they weren't biscuits. [ laughter ] >> i was going, "these are great. they come in this big bag. i can take these to school." [ laughter, applause ] [ music, applause ] >> funny stuff, tom. really good. we'll do this and we'll be back.
? think of your fellow man. ? ? lend him a helping hand. ? ? put a little love in your heart. ? ? take a good look around... ? ? ...and if you're lookin' down, ? ? put a little love in your heart. ? ?put a little love in your heart.? ? in your heart. ? (avo) the subaru share the love event is happening now and will have given ninety million dollars
[ music, applause ] >> okay. it is almost un-american to say your mother is a bad cook, but you covered it very well. i guess we're brought up to say that mothers can do no wrong, and sometimes they don't cook. >> well, she was a nurse. when you have a nurse for th than what you get from most other mothers. this scar that i have on the heel of my hand - i was about 13 when i got that. i walked into the house with my hand cupped full of blood. my mom looked up from the couch and said, "don't spill that on the rug." [ laughter ] nothing phased her. >> how did you get started? >> i was living in atlanta, and there was a small club there. i went out on a date.
i didn't really know much about it. i had never been in a club before and i sat in the front row watching harry chapin perform. in between songs, he'd tell stories, and they were really funny. i turned to this girl at some point in the show and i said, "i think i could do that." she looked at me and said, "i think you could, too." [ laughter ] >> and that was that. >> yeah. i went right into show business. >> are you married? o, do you want to go out again? i'm on the road about 250, 300 days a year. >> you meet a lot of young ladies in this entertainment business. >> yeah, i can't get past do you want to go out again? >> young ladies like comedians. you ever notice that? >> they do. but they like musicians better. see, they think musicians are sensitive.
>> yeah, right. and they've got instruments, and they write songs that have got the women's names in them. you can't write a joke about a woman, you know? you can't say, "i wrote this for you." [ laughter ] >> she was so fat, that -- >> right, that doesn't work. i wrote that for you, baby. it doesn't work. >> do you do other things besides comedy? any other area? >> well, there's a lot of stuff going on. i've already done some commercials. i did a regional commercial in atlanta. it was a hand job. [ laughter ] >> that's what they call them. a hand model. >> that's right. hand's on camera. $235 to do this. now, i had to go down and audition for the hand job. i'm at the biggest advertising agency in the country, walter thompson. there's a guy
[ music, applause ] >> we're a little long, tonight. abby jay will be with us soon, again. before we leave. tom, you're the national spokesman for the comedy crusade against diabetes, which is going to be occurring november 2nd, in comedy clubs in all 50 states, so i want to mention that. thank you for being here. >> my pleasure. >> shelley, thank you. [ music, applause ]
(light strumming) - lowell, have you seen, oh! sorry antonio, i was just looking for lowell. - oh, uh, he's gone to lunch. - oh. what are you doing? - well actually, i was just working on a little song i wrote for casey. - you wrote a song? oh, how romantic. be thrilled to have a song written especially for her. - uh-huh. would you like to hear it? - oh please! - it goes a little something like this. (audience laughs) ? when i see casey i see such charm ? i win the race-y (audience laughs)
? i see it all ? she's satin and lacy ? with red hair like lucille ball (audience laughs) (guitar twangs) ? like desi love lucy (guitar twangs) ? and hepburn loved tracy (guitar twangs) (audience laughs) ? ella count basie (guitar twangs) ? and cagney and lacey ? and donald and daisy duck ? (audience laughs) - so, helen? what do you think? - it's lovely! (audience laughs) (upbeat music) - hey brian, pretend i'm not here all right? i'm burning off this roll, so just act natural. - [brian] okay.
i just wanna-- - [brian] okay, okay, okay. (audience laughs) - all right, you know what, just forget it. - suit yourself. (audience laughs) - thanks a lot for your cooperation. - joe, the computer's on the blink again. would you take a look at it? - natural, huh? i'll give ya natural. (audience laughs) smile! listen i'm sorry i gave you such a hard time. i took a picture myself for you. (audience laughs) - you didn't make a goofy face, did you? - grow up. (audience laughs) (upbeat music) - [fay] my, that cake looks delicious. - ah thanks, i sure hope it cheers casey up. this is her first birthday since her husband
ordered. - actually what the doctor ordered was mood elevators. (audience laughs) - you know, those things really work! (audience laughs) - i'm not late for the party, am i? - no, casey isn't even here yet. - oh, good. i hope she likes my present. and please, don't even ask what it cost. - what'd you get her? - a pair of $200 earrings. (audience laughs) - hey joe, brian, get out here! put your party faces on! what'd you get her? - a book. - what book? - i don't know, a white one. (audience laughs) grabbed it off my shelf. - you got her a used book? that is so cheap. - oh really, so what'd you get her, huh? - can i go halfsies with you? (scoffs) (audience laughs) - okay everybody come on, gather 'round, she's gonna be here any minute. - helen, just calm down. it's just another lame office birthday party. - you know, would it kill you guys to show a little enthusiasm for my sister's birthday? - oh hi everybody. - [all] surprise.
ant a party. - oh now come on. you know you love to celebrate your birthday. - oh, right. let's see, what should we celebrate? that my husband left me, or that i have no job, no future, and absolutely no purpose in life? - yeah, it'll be fun. (audience laughs) - okay, time for presents. here you are dear. i hope you like them. - oh, tacky salt and pepper shakers. that's a great gag gift, thank you fay! i needed a laugh today. (audience laughs) (audience laughs) - uh, here. this is from me. soon as i saw it in the store i thought of you. - 101 ways to pleasure a woman. (audience laughs) thank you brian, but i don't think i'll have much use for this. - good, then give it to joe. (audience laughs) - did you divvy up that cake yet? - is that the only reason you came out here? didn't you at least get her something?
here, happy birthday casey. - what are you doing, roy? you stealing from charity now? - it's not a real charity, i made it up. (audience laughs) - i'm next, i'm next. here you are casey. it's a pair of gold earrings, cost me 200 bucks. oops, i can't believe i let that slip. (audience laughs) - oh antonio, these are beautiful! - with wrap and tax, 220. (audience laughs) - oh man, did the party start already? - uh, casey doesn't want to be here, helen yelled at us, and fay ran off crying. (audience laughs) - sounds like the best party yet. (audience laughs) here, happy birthday casey. - thanks lowell! i can't imagine what this is. - it better not be earrings. - it's a shoe rack. (audience laughs) - wow, i don't know what to say! - well i do. trash pickup is tuesday. - lowell, i think it's beautiful.
(audience laughs) - come on casey, let's cut the cake. - so, how'd the photograph thing go this morning? - photograph thing? oh you mean the film? helen sent it off to her parents in phoenix. - what? (audience laughs) can i talk to you for a second please? - what, what? it's just a bunch of pictures of helen in her wedding dress. her parents are really anxious to see 'em so they're developing the film out there. - yeah, why, what's the big deal? a picture of your what? (audience laughs) - it was a joke. - a joke? - oh, would you lighten up? - no, no, no i won't man! look, look, a sweet old lady in fuzzy slippers is going to be sitting down to breakfast one morning thumbing through pictures of her daughter in a wedding dress, when suddenly she comes across a picture-- (laughing) - hey listen, listen if it turns out to be a good picture
- if i know helen's mother she'll knit a cozy for it. (laughing) - you want to hear the funniest thing? is that they're gonna think it's yours! (audience laughs) - that's not funny. (audience laughs) - shoot me if i ever throw another birthday party again. here's cake. - uhh, you better tell her joey. - no brian, no you tell her. you're the one that did it. - what, tell me what? - ah, okay. well, the funniest thing happened. there's a picture of me on that roll. - so what? they'd love a picture of you. (audience laughs) - trust me, this ain't one for the album. (audience laughs) - i don't understand. - come on, we're all adults here so i'm just gonna come out and say this. (audience laughs)
aking muumuu-wearing mom a picture of your penis? (audience laughs) - oh, please! - why on earth would you do something like that? - eh, it's for identification purposes. (audience laughs) then we tag it then release it back into the wild. (audience laughs) - i'll just call them and tell them not to develop the roll. oh my god! - i just remembered the note i put in with the film when i thought they were gonna be looking at pictures of my wedding dress. - what note? - dear mom and dad, here it is. (audience laughs) i love it. (audience laughs) but joe's afraid i'm gonna trip over it when i walk down the aisle.
- oh hi lowell, can i see you for a second? - sure. - it's about that shoe rack of yours. - oh, you cut yourself on it didn't you? well, listen, take it from somebody who knows, don't be a hero. get the tetanus shot. - no, lowell actually i have something very exciting to tell you. i showed it to this woman i know in new york who owns an art gallery and she just flipped over it. did you spit off the statue of liberty? - not this time. anyway, as i was saying, maya runs one of the hottest galleries in soho. i mean, if she likes what she sees she can give you your own show. - did you spit off of the empire state building? (audience laughs) - lowell, if this woman wants to she can launch you as an artist and i'll represent you. - did you spit off the world trade center? (audience laughs) - lowell, you haven't heard a word i've said. maya is very interested in your art.
madness of van gogh, the jarring perception of picasso, the mocking pop humor of lichtenstein. you know, i just made you a shoe rack out of old engine parts. eh, i don't think we can really call that art. - she offered me $300 for it. - you know, i might have a mug tree she'd find mordant and ironic. (audience laughs) for adults with advanc ll lung cancer previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, including those with an abnormal alk or egfr gene who've tried an fda-approved targeted therapy, this is big. a chance to live longer with opdivo (nivolumab). opdivo demonstrated longer life and is the most prescribed immunotherapy for these patients. opdivo significantly increased the chance of living longer
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thank god you're there. i've been trying to call you for three days. um, listen. i sent you a roll of film by mistake, so i need you to send that on back to me. oh really? uh-huh. uh-huh. okay well, that's all right, great. - helen, say hi to your dad for me. - oh joe says hello. - and send him my best. - yeah, you already did. (audience laughs) - so?
ack? - of course he's not sending them back! my mom is on the way to the photo hut right now to pick 'em up. and then she's going to grandma's. i don't have to worry about grandma though, she's got cataracts. (audience laughs) i'll just tell her it's a picture of my cousin's new baby. (audience laughs) god, what am i gonna tell my parents? - oh what is the big deal? - what's the big deal? they're going to think that their daughter is marrying a weirdo. - i mean how are they gonna know it's joe? i mean it might as well be anybody's. - sure, we'll just say some tourist , would you mind taking a picture of my pee pee in front of the lighthouse? (audience laughs) (upbeat music) - lo, someone's here to see you. i would like you to meet maya wolverton of the wolverton gallery. - any relation? - oh, see i forgot to tell you about his sense of humor. - you know lowell, i was intrigued with that piece that casey brought me. - yes, and here is some more of lowell's work.
and i suppose a certain innocence. - yes well, it was borne out of depression and anxiety and a burning need to form a human connection. - what do you call it? - towel rack. (audience laughs) - to hang the towels that dry the tears of all mankind. - and let's do a hook here for a loofah sponge. (audience laughs) - i don't understand. - well how do you get rid of dead skin? (audience laughs) - now, i'm gonna be honest with you lowell. - oh yeah? well those shoes don't go with that bag. (audience laughs) - see, haha, what he really means by that-- - no, never mind, he's right. they were on sale. listen, lowell, i have an artist who just cancelled a show and if you can get me 20 pieces by next week, i'd like you to fill his slot. - but i don't have-- - have the words to express how happy he is!
lowell, it was wonderful meeting you and i look forward to seeing you in new york. - okay. and that scarf doesn't match either. (audience laughs) - lowell, isn't this wonderful? - i guess. - you guess? don't you understand what an amazing opportunity this is for us? artists have their whole careers and never get a show. this just fell right in our lap! - yeah, but i don't have 20 pieces. - well that's okay. how many do you have? - mm, including these three? - uh-huh. - well then i guess we're just gonna have to get busy and make more! - make more. ah, you think it's that easy do you, huh? think i just gather up engine parts and randomly weld them to a metal frame? actually that is what i do. (audience laughs) tomorrow by five okay? (upbeat music) - uh joe, brian's on the phone. he wants to know if the picture
- what's he talking about anyway? - um, it's a part for the plane. - oh, i thought he was talking about his hoo-hah. (audience laughs) - before. after. (audience laughs) that's before. okay. after. (audience laughs) - hi lowell. oh i hope i'm not interrupting, but i just couldn't wait to see the new pieces. oh you know, this one looks very similar to the one you were doing yesterday. oh it's part of a series, isn't it? they love series! - no it's the same one. - oh, i don't understand. i mean you've been in here for three days. what've you been doing? - um, mostly this. before. after. before. - okay, where are all the others? the show's in a couple of days. what's wrong with you? - well, i don't know. it's like, um... i don't know.
- that's it, that's it, i'm blocked! that's been driving me crazy. - lowell, you can't be blocked, okay? you have 17 pieces to do. i mean don't you realize that this is your ticket off of this island? you don't want to live the rest of your life here. - yeah i do. i like it here. - no, no, no, you want more out of life. you want recognition and excitement and a chance to prove to your ex-husband that you can make it on your own! (audience laughs) - you know what? you're right. i'll show that bastard. hey wait a minute. - oh lowell, please, please come on! we have much much much much too much riding on this to give up now. - but casey, i can't just create art on demand. you know, i usually need a reason like a birthday. - a birthday, you, a birthday? sure because you know what? it is always somebody's birthday because right here, today, we have charlotte bronte, babe ruth, and angie dickinson. so, make one for angie! (audience laughs)
and i still have not received a thank you note. (audience laughs) look, i know what you're trying to do but maybe i'm just not cut out for this. - sure you are, and you will work nonstop for the next two days and i will be right here, by your side the entire time because i am here to support you, lowell! - what if i still can't do it? - i'll kill you, i'll kill you dead.
dear helen, love the dress, love the fabric. you look beautiful in it. can't wait to see you, love mom. p.s., what's up with the hoo-hah? (audience laughs) - oh casey, can i talk to you for a minute? - sorry i'm in a hurry. - no no, i know, it'll only take a minute. it's about lowell. - oh god, he didn't get out of the hangar, did he? - no, he's still there. in fact he's been there all night. - well of course he has. he's a dedicated artist. - yeah, well look. maybe this is none of my business pushing him a little too hard? - oh, fay. thank you for your concern, but i don't think you understand the artistic process. you only see lowell as a nice, easygoing mechanic but i'm finding a side of him that no one ever has. - okay talk to me. (audience laughs) okay, speak to me! reveal yourself! - lowell?
- it was just me, casey. - oh casey! - hey, how many of those diet colas have you had? - well, let's see. the machine holds 40, 80! (audience laughs) hey, look, i want to show you some of the things i've been working on. i'm particularly proud of this piece. the cool thing is i pushed them all into place with my nose. - okay well now, now you're starting to scare me. are you sure you're all right? - i'm fine, i'm fine! let me show you some more of my work. (audience laughs) okay, this is a piece i've been working on. it's called nude descending a staircase. with a diet cola. (audience laughs) and this one is madonna and child. with a diet cola. (audience laughs) and this one is the thinker all hopped up on diet cola. (audience laughs) and this one's untitled. - thank god. - with a diet cola.
here, just-- - but i, i am calm! but you know what? i'm a little thirsty. can i borrow 40 or 50 quarters? - no! you don't need any more of this. all you need to do is just rest. - but, casey, the show, the show! lowell mather is not a quitter! - you know what lowell, look. i just decided there's not gonna be a show. i'm just gonna call maya and cancel the whole thing. - really? i'm going to sleep now. - oh look, before you go can i just tell you that i'm sorry? - sorry for what? - well for using you the way i did. i mean, i didn't even stop to think about your feelings. i just thought of myself. - ah, come on. don't beat yourself up. - so you don't think i used you? - no of course you used me and you rode me like a circus elephant.
are you okay? - well i've been better. - look, casey, you know, you saw my shoe rack as art. most people don't even see it as a shoe rack. (audience laughs) - yeah. - well you know, you accomplished something. i mean you got a famous new york art gallery owner to give a show to a completely unknown artist. i mean, that's something! - yeah, i guess i did do that. s a bunch more positive thoughts ricocheting around inside my skull, but i'm just too damn freaked out to figure 'em out. (audience laughs) - no, no, thanks lowell. i mean, i got it, you know? and who knows? maybe my career in art is just starting now even though yours is ending. - yeah, well you know joe's gonna be thrilled. - why's that? - well now i can put the plane back together.
i know how disappointed you must be about lowell's show. is there anything i can do to cheer you up? - oh, thanks fay, but i'll be okay. - okay. - hi casey. i heard you were a little down in the dumps, so. well, i wrote you a song and i was going to save it for another occasion, but seems like the perfect time. that's very sweet of you. - well, goes a little something like this. (audience laughs) (guitar twangs) ? desi love lucy (guitar twangs) ? and hepburn loved tracy (guitar twangs) ? and ella count basie (guitar twangs) ? and cagney and lacey (guitar twangs) ? donald and daisy duck ?
- hey, guys. look what i just got. - wow, a new camcorder. - looks expensive, where'd you get the money for that? - aw, joe, why can't you just let him enjoy it? why do you have to be so cynical? - where'd you get the money for that? - sandpiper petty cash. all right, wait, wait, wait, before you get so uptight, ght this? - oh, this is oughta be good. - ok. i bought it to make a wedding gift for you and helen. - a wedding gift? - yeah, a videotape. of you and your friends telling the story of how you guys got together. you know, the whole relationship. i thought it would be something that you could show your grandchildren, you know? be something that the whole family would treasure.
that's really nice of you. i'm sorry, brother. thanks. - brian, that is a lovely, lovely idea, i'm very impressed. - yeah, me too. some of the quickest thinking i've ever done. the problem is now i gotta make the stupid thing. (lively piano music) ok, fay, we're rolling. so, quickly as you can, just tell the camera how joe and helen first got together. they were just friends, but even back then i could tell they had a thing for each other. they may not have known it, but i did. - joe, it's just a difference in technique, that's all. you're a stiff-lipper and i'm a soft. it's no big deal. - well, i never really thought about it before, does it make that much of a difference? - yes. here, i'll show you. - you wanna kiss me again? - oh, don't be stupid, this is just an acting exercise. now just relax.
- yeah, i'm kinda beat myself. - and i'm certainly not getting any rest back here. when did you first meet joe and helen? - oh, it was their first valentine's day as boyfriend and girlfriend. i was working as a waiter in an italian restaurant and there was this big mix up and then helen ended up waiting for joe beautiful woman alone on such a romantic night. giacomo, (calls in italian)! he's only a busboy now but he has head waiter written all over him. - oh, no, it's really ok-- - signorina, meet my cousin giacomo. - hello - your valentine for this evening. - hi. (speaking italian)
what'd he say? - he say you're nice. - i give it a year, tops. - [brian] you're supposed to say something nice, roy. - that was something nice. i really only give it six months. - [brian] would you say something positive? - oh, all right, all right. what are you gonna? oh, no. no, no, you wouldn't. - oh, no? - ok. all right, helen. you wanna play hardball? you stab the plane, the cello here gets it. - you don't think i'll do it, do you? - no. - guess again. (hissing sound) (screams)
- you're messy, joe, you're messy, messy, messy. - i cannot believe you did this to me. i can't believe you-- - believe, joe, believe. (spraying) (screams) (spraying) (screaming) - truce! truce! this is ridiculous. put the fire extinguisher down. - you put the grease gun down first. - oh, honey. (spraying) (screams)
- [brian] well, what happened then? - i don't wanna talk about it. - [brian] joe, what happened then? - she left me. - every musician worth his salt has to take a shot at new york. if i can make it there, i can make it any... well, you know. - helen, just wait, just wait. please stay. - i can't. but thank you for asking. - helen. i love you. - i love you too. - and that was it. we broke up. (sniffling) - [brian] helen, then what happened?