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tv   CBS This Morning  CBS  December 1, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EST

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nanu. how'd you know i had the munchies? -- captions by vitac psst! hey, girlie! hey, girlie! yeah, you. girlie? come here. come here? yeah. come here. i want to talk to you. you believe that? aw, come on, lady. what's with this snooty-cutie routine? how much longer you gonna play this game? ain't i been trailing you enough the last couple of hours? well, i'm getting tired of following you around. i'm not about to let you alone,
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a pleasure. [ ding! ] good. oh, wonderful! beautiful! absolutely great! oh, what a relief. relief? i couldn't be sure until i actually saw you do witchcraft. now there's no doubt. that's ridiculous. there's no such thing as witchcraft. what do you call this, chopped liver? i haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about. lady, please. i'm desperate. people who are desperate do not go "psst" and call other people "girlie." i was resorting to charm. that was charm? aw, you're my last hope. if you don't help me, i'm nowhere. so please! how can i help you? by just using your natural talent. what natural talent? being a witch. don't try to deny it. i know that you're a witch. what makes you so sure?
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you tell your insurance company they made a mistake. the check they sent isn't enough to replace your totaled new car. the guy says they didn't make the mistake. you made the mistake. i beg your pardon? he says, you should have chosen full-car replacement. excuse me? let me be frank, he says.
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all right, sweetie pie.
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[ telephone ringing ] samantha: coming! oh, i'll get it. uh, hello? yeah, this is 555-2134. i think this may be for you. may be for me! boy, you've got your nerve. how'd you get in here? through the door. how else? uh, whom should i say is calling? what's a "darrin"? give me that! darrin: i demand an explanation! watch it, fella, or i won't even give her the message. fergus, that's my husband! sam? darrin? sam! is that you? who was that? who was who?
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that who? sam, answer me! uh, is this your husband? yes. oh. how come? somebody put a curse on you? sam, who was it? well, um, sweetheart, it's sort of involved. and it would take a lot of explanation, which would just take forever. why don't i wait till you get home, till i can think of something, and then i'll explain? i demand an explanation now! uh, right this minute. is it okay with sam? uh... uh, only if it's okay with you, sweetheart. mr. saunders and larry just walked in. you remember i told you about mr. saunders, our new client? your favorite soup -- saunders soup? 58 varieties? 59 coming up. they want to know if it's okay with you. if what's okay? she says sure. i knew she would. sure, what, darrin? nice mud.
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well, just as well. chlorine gives me gas. you're bringing mr. saunders here? and larry and louise? uh, sweetheart, i-i think you ought to know that i have a problem here. so i gathered. and i'm certainly anxious to find out who it is. i mean, uh, i'm anxious to hear all about it. so long, sweetheart. you're sure it's all right? she's tickled to death. and so am i. rings ] oh! what now? uh, mrs. stephens, i-i thought i ought to tell you, i saw a strange man lurking around outside. [ gasps ] he's lurking around inside here, isn't he?! um, this is mr. finglehoff. fergus f. finglehoff. he's a friend of darrin's.
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yes. he's been waiting for him. he and my husband have been working together, haven't you, mr. -- oh, i should say professor. excuse me, professor finglehoff. unfortunately, the professor can't wait any longer. uh, he really must get going. darrin's just going to be sick to have missed him. hmm. that's a shame. that is the most ridiculous piece of nonsense i ever heard! i mean, you can lie all you want about your husband, but when you talk about me, make it the truth! professor indeed! you expect this woman to believe a half-baked story like that? the truth of the matter, madame, is that i am a frog! a-a frog? oh, fergus! you'd think it was something to be ashamed of, the way you made up such a fantastic! au contraire, madam. i am proud and happy that i am a frog! fergus! you are? you see? she appreciates the predicament i'm in. thank you for your sympathy, madam, but if you don't mind,
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so she can turn me back into -- fergus! now what?! i mean, really, sam, you're getting a little shrill, even for a -- one more word out of you and i'll -- w-well, goodbye, mr. fergus -- mr. frog -- i-i mean professor! goodbye! abner! mrs. kravitz! abner! oh. fergus, you know something? no. what? you're a big-mouth frog. that's what you are. maybe i can't turn you back into a frog, but there's one thing i can do to get rid of you. i can send you back to where i found you. now, wait a minute, sam. i wouldn't do that. i would. [ ding! ]
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well, i hope that'll impress mr. saunders. [ gasps ] oh, no. don't worry, sammy girl. if that doesn't, i will. what are you doing back here? i sloshed my way back. i'm as fond of water as the next frog, but i like to be prepared for a dive. i don't like to be taken by surprise. neither do i. hold it. i'll only work my way back here again. but this time it'll take longer, what with all the stops. all what stops? borhood. i figure i'll just spread the good word around -- how the nice folks here have their own personal neighborhood witch. who'd believe you? oh, maybe nobody will believe me. but it'll sure cause a lot of talk. make a lot of trouble for you. especially if i start with mrs. kravitz. it shouldn't be too hard convincing her. we team up, we can sing a beautiful duet. personally, i think we got a possible album.
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ailing you. well, i don't blackmail that easily. honey, we're here. e-except when my husband comes home with a client. let me take your coat, mr. saunders. thank you. [ ding! ] now, fergus, try to be nice until i can think of something to do about you. me? charlie charming? hi, honey. hi. this is mr. saunders. we're a big saunders soup family here. and your frozen dinners -- all marvelous. so tasty. and your sauces -- your chili sauce! and your mustard. it's the greatest mustard. let's see. have i forgotten anything? [ laughing ] well, not that i know of. uh, perhaps only one small item, dear. what? the gentleman standing there. i don't think we caught his name. oh, forgive me. how could i?
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yourself comfortable, mr. saunders. well, just show me where the bar is, and i will. oh, louise, larry. come right on in. darrin, it's larry and louise. i know. we've met. you -- you know mr. saunders, of course. yes, yes. mr. saunders. tate. oh, good, darrin. you brought the new layouts for the soup. well, uh, larry, louise, mr. saunders, darrin, get set. i have a little surprise for you. he's liable to be gone. if only you'd been home when i got home, we could've gone back then and there. but no, you had to be at the dentist, wasting precious time, having a tooth pulled. now, look, gladys, i'd rather have a tooth pulled than go out looking at frogs with you. call me peculiar! there he is! he's a human frog! what? what'd she call me? why would anybody say that anybody was a human frog? unless, of course, they were drinking.
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fergus: uh, good point, sir. actually, the last thing in the world any frog worth his salt would want to be is human. what was your name again? what was your name again? i-i was just about to introduce everybody when the kravitzes came in. i realize how you could've gotten the wrong impression. here she goes again. always an explanation. i was wondering when you were gonna notice that. i'm sure it's a good one. the professor has been doing research and experiments. research, experiments? professor fergus finglehoff. from one of your schools? no, no, dear. from one of yours. don't you remember? which one was that? i, uh, must have a mental block. i went to dartmouth. [ laughing ] we drank a lot there. anyway, the professor did say that he was interested in frogs. oh, sure.
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some special research on them. well, i'll buy that. so you must have misunderstood and thought he said he was one. come on, gladys. someday, somehow, someplace, somebody's gonna believe me! that poor woman! she is a bit spooky. uh, larry, why don't you do the honors and fix everybody a drink? say, that's a good idea. sure, darrin. i'll help sam in the kitchen. what's yours, professor? i'll have a double anything. he is a frog. uh-huh. sam, make it reasonable! you remember the fairy tale about the princess that put a frog on her pillow, and the next morning, when she woke up, he'd turned into a handsome prince? mm-hmm. well, it's the same thing, only in reverse. i'll bet the princess's mother and father didn't believe that story either.
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we'll have to go along with him until i can think of something to do. and it's dangerous to leave him with the others too long. fergus: take it from me, buster. the frogs have it made. i'm telling you, frogs know how to live. now, professor, let's not talk shop. about your soup, mr. saunders -- didn't i hear something about a new one? yes, indeed. 59 coming up. congratulations. what kind is number 59 going to be? i haven't heard. happens to be a big secret. we're gonna spring it on the public next month with the layouts darrin's been working on. terrific. think for a minute. have you ever seen a frog on an analyst's couch? sober? no. please, professor. no more about frogs. did you ever hear of a frog war? frog war? nobody's ever heard of a frog war. darrin... about soup, mr. saunders -- uh, sam, i think we've heard enough about soup, too.
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all about it. uh, no, sam. what's number 59 going to be? sam, it's a secret -- a good secret. wouldn't you rather hear about frogs? no. mr. saunders? sam! okay. i'll tell. turtle. huh? turtle soup. that's number 59. saunders' saut?ed turtle soup. you're gonna make soup out of turtles? yeah. anything wrong with that? well, it all depends. any turtles i know? i think i need another drink. tony terwilliger, tubby sloan, or -- or tiny tuner? because if they are -- sam, do something. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ]
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ut you. oh, that's all right. i'm sure there's a bar at the restaurant. well, we can't very well leave the professor. he was so embarrassed. he disappeared in a hurry. did you see the way he flew up those stairs? no. neither did i. you missed that? so did i. but i don't mind. say, what time do the bars close around here? see you tomorrow, darrin. good night, sam. i want you to know that i've had a perfectly bourbon time. good night. told you, i'm doing everything i can. but she keeps zapping me back into that fountain. sam. fergus? by the gazebo. [ frog croaking ] phoebe, will you shut up and listen? believe me, pussycat, i've been after her all day. is it my fault if i end up with a musical-comedy witch,
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i admit it. i made the biggest mistake of my life. what mistake, fergus? why don't you come inside and bring phoebe with you? i'd like to hear about your mistake. [ croaks ] and this is my girlfriend, phoebe plotsky. oh, well. how do you do? [ croaks ] fergus, have you been carrying phoebe in your pocket all this time? mm-hmm. oh, poor fergus. poor phoebe. honey, i know you can't turn fergus back into a frog, but couldn't you... change phoebe into a human being! oh, darling, that's a marvelous idea! what do you say, phoebe? [ croaks ] oh, good! fergus? anything, as long as we're together. all right, now, phoebe. you just sit right there. [ croaks ]
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[ ding! ] fergus! [ gasps ] oh, fergus! oh, phoebe, baby! sweetie pie! oh, you'll never know how much i... hey! sam! what's the matter? sam, i don't want to hurt your feelings, but you goofed! goofed? sam goofed? well, look at her. she's definitely lost something in the transformation. she was a sensational-looking frog. but how can i ask her to go through life looking like this? where's her nice, big, fat neck? and look at those little beady eyes. and you call those legs? oh, why did i ever make that wish in the first place? what wish? tell her, fergus. well, i... i heard about this old witch over near the swamp. so i went over and asked -- asked?
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his lily pad, his underwater gear. okay, so i bought a wish. i wanted to be human. i was a big frog in a little pool who thought he could be a bigger one in a bigger pool. the only thing is, i forgot about phoebe. it never occurred to me that if i would turn into a human, i'd be without her. fergus, if you bought a wish and brought all this on yourself, then there's no problem. any witch can unhex that kind of a hex. why didn't you tell me that in the beginning? well, i-i didn't think you'd want to help me to the amphibian world i was. sam, you mean you can turn him back into a frog? certainly, if that's what he wants. how about it, fergus? you mean we've got a choice? phoebe, we've got a choice! you want a little time to think it over? yeah.
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okay, sam. well, have you made up your mind? uh-huh. but first off, i got to be honest. you didn't goof. she's sensational-looking in either world. that's why i insisted that phoebe make the decision. well, what's it gonna be, phoebe? yeah. come on. we can't stand the suspense. well, we want to go back. oh, i'm glad. because you know something, fergus? i have the feeling that deep in your heart, you are first, last, and always a frog. so, uh, all right already. will you make with the hocus-pocus? oh. from polliwogs come great big frogs. we'll never know quite how.
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so hark, ye witches, now pay heed. reverse this spell with haste and speed. with no regrets, man into toad. he'll hop the straight and narrow road. [ ding! ] [ frogs croaking ] ha. well, so long, kids. been nice meeting you. oh, it certainly has. oops! [ laughs ] et to write. [ croaks ] why, mrs. kravitz. i-i came to apologize for seeing frogs. but w-what am i seeing now? oh, these are our friends. we were just saying good night to them. bye-bye, phoebe. bye, fergus. darrin: give our love to tony, tubby, and tiny. that's fergus? no. that's fergus. that's phoebe.
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any reason why they shouldn't be? oh... no. abner! abner! abner! -- captions by vitac -- www. hello. max grand's drugstore? oh, hi, evelyn. this is mrs. stephens. i was wondering -- bless you. could you deliver a hot-water bottle? well, just tell your delivery boy to go home and go to bed, keep warm, drink plenty of liquids and get a lot of rest. yes. uh, bye. oh, dear. [ ding! ] darling, forgive me for being so late. late for what? have you forgotten? we had a date to go shopping. well, i'm sorry, mother, but i can't leave. darrin's not well. [ sighs ] what's new about that?
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well, it can only be an improvement, samantha. oh, mother. now, i'm going to go out and get him a hot-water bottle. would you stay till i get back? well... oh, please? oh, all right. thank you. darling, i'm gonna go out and get you a hot-water bottle. darrin: okay. dr. altman's gonna send over one of his associates. good. and mother's here. did you hear me? uh, well, i'll only be gone a minute. mother's gonna take care of tabitha. and then can we go shopping? oh, mother, that's impossible unless darrin gets well in a hurry. ah. guess who's going to get better in a hurry. [ ding! ]
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oh, i'm so sorry, dr. bombay, but this is something of an emergency. you know perfectly well my practice is limited to our own people. i'll just have to get dr. agrafor to replace you as our family doctor. where's the patient? right this way.
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i want to thank you for coming over to see me, doctor, especially since i'm not one of your regular patients. patient. pardon? lean forward. what's the matter? well, i'm only human. sorry, i forgot about that. well, i think i've located your difficulty. what is it? you have a cold. i have a cold. that's what i just said. that's where i heard it. these pills will do the trick. antibiotics?
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that's amazing. who puts these out? i do. well, uh, are they safe? i can assure you they have been untouched by human hands. yeah, but how come nobody ever -- ever -- if there's going to be another monsoon, i'd better leave. ah-choo! wait, wait, wait. just a minute, doctor. [ inhales deeply ] it's gone! my cold's gone! i never make idle promises. but this is amazing! doctor, have you ever thought of putting these out commercially? what for? you could make an awful lot of money. what would i do with money? the same thing everybody else does, buy things -- planes, boats, cars, houses, you name it. i can assure you, i have no need for any of those things.
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to find someone who doesn't care about money. you're quite unique. for your information, you are concurring with a vast body of opinion. [ doorbell rings ] can you get that, endora? endora: no. i'm busy with the baby. i'll be right back. [ sighs ] [ doorbell rings ] doing out of bed? sam said you couldn't lift your head off the pillow. you're supposed to be suffering. i feel fine. oh, that's marvelous, just marvelous! here i am, dragging myself to work with a temperature of 101 degrees, and you're at home feeling fine! less than a minute ago, i was lying upstairs. i was coughing, sneezing, my head was stuffed. the doctor gave me these pills. i took one -- just one, mind you -- and the cold disappeared. a little hard to believe, huh?
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you want the surprise of your life? take one of these pills. you're gonna carry this charade out to the bitter end, eh? i'm truly grateful to you, dr. bombay. i wish there was some way i could repay you. there is. in what way? allow me to get on with my bath. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ inhales deeply ] ahh. incredible! did i tell you? you know what's in this bottle? a million dollars! a million? a billion! where are you going? where do you think? to have a nice little talk with the doctor. forget it. he's a dedicated scientist. he doesn't care about money. doesn't care about money? well. well, if money doesn't mean anything to him, something else does.
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shh! i just got tabitha to sleep. we're just going upstairs to see the doctor. oh, he's gone. gone! we didn't see him come downstairs. well, i -- i mean he's -- he's really gone. you know, way out. you're not kidding. come on, lar. i'll go up and send him down. i just don't want you to wake the baby. say, you know what i was thinking? hmm. if we tie up the doctor, hornbeck will be in this afternoon. yeah! and can you imagine what a pill like this would mean to a business like hornbeck pharmaceuticals? yeah, and for his partner. he doesn't have any partners. he will. [ ding! ]
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but this is ridiculous. how was i to know you were still in your bath? i take long baths. dr. agrafor takes short showers. larry: dr. bombay, believe me, i know your type -- selfless, dedicated, devoted to your work. and i ask you, is it fair for you to deny your remedy to the rest of humanity? it so happens that humanity, as you call it, anyway, i don't know what you're talking about. i prescribe it whenever it's necessary. doctor, i make you this offer. put yourself in my hands, and you will go down with the great of medicine -- lister, pasteur, madame curie -- sir! i'll thank you not to classify me among the amateurs! uh, doctor. let me show you the big picture. how many people in the world? three billion, four?
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think of this, doctor. in a billion bathrooms around the world, there is a bottle in the medicine chest. and emblazoned across the label is the name "dr. bombay." and below the name, your picture. in color. yes. yes, that, uh, might be rather nice. bingo. now, what do you say we draw up a little agreement, dr. achilles? i mean, dr. bombay. anything to get me back to my bath. honey, i'm home. did the doctor come? he sure did. in fact, you just missed him. what are you doing out of bed? the most incredible thing happened.
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but something more important happened. that's right, sam, you won't have to go shopping anymore. the shops will come to you! what are you talking about? the pills the doctor gave me! they cure the common cold! and we've got the rights to them! honey, we're rich! wait a minute. i want to know. was that the doctor that dr. altman sent? yeah. a great guy. a little eccentric. who cares? come on, darrin. what was his name? dr. bombay. bye, honey. [ gasps ] mother! mother! [ ding! ] oh, you're back. oh, mother, how could you! oh, you mean dr. bombay? oh, i wouldn't worry, darling. he cured what's his name's cold. and now we can hop over to paris. well, mother dear, for your information, i had no intention of hopping anywhere with you. i was simply humoring you! now i have to find out what was in those pills. you get that quack right back here.
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very well, i'll go to him. oh, i wouldn't do that if i were you. well, you're not! i'm going to. [ ding! ] [ screams ] [ ding! ] you see? mama knows best.
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would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now. switching is easy. get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window,
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plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. really? honest...no.
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show him in, please. he's here! boy, am i going to enjoy this. me too. the old buzzard. good afternoon, mr. hornbeck. how are you? ah-choo! did i answer your question? okay, let's skip the amenities and get down to business. look, if you don't come up with a campaign that's going to stop our sagging sales, you're through. do you read me? oh, yes, sir. like a book. a best seller. mr. hornbeck, before we discuss the new campaign -- i'm not ready for one of your elaborate stalls. if you don't have anything, just say so, and i'll get out of here.
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sir? "found -- a cure for the common cold. dr. bombay's cold bombs." well? how 'bout that? i'll tell you how 'bout that. i think you people have flipped. you don't know one account from another. that isn't even one of my products! that's what we're leading up to. it can be. what are you babbling about? sir, what would you say if i told you we ran into a doctor who found a cure for the common cold? i'd say put him away with the guy who claims he can grow... ah-choo! ...hair. mr. hornbeck, you're in for the biggest surprise of your life. here. [ ding! ] incredible. absolutely incredible. i'm so sorry i misjudged you. what is this going to cost me?
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partner? naturally. naturally, but the name's all wrong. it's a little corny. we'll have to change that. oh, we couldn't do that. dr. bombay is the man who found the cure. and the name is part of our deal with him. dr. bombay. has a bit of a ring, hasn't it? you mean -- you mean he's a witch doctor? well, we call him a warlock doctor. a-and those pills aren't, uh -- oh, if that woman weren't your mother, i'd -- and i may do it anyway! i got to stop larry. well, sweetheart, wait, there's one more thing -- he's gone hog-wild. [ high-pitched voice ] if i don't stop him, he may ruin us! what happened? that must be the side effect. side effect? dr. bombay's pills. that's what i was trying to warn you about. how long is this going to last? i-i-i don't know. i guess i'll just have to pop back to dr. bombay's office
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well, you'd better hurry because -- [ intercom buzzes ] hello? where's mr. stephens? he just stepped out. would you tell him that mr. hornbeck and his lawyer are on the way in? yes, sir. will you please hurry?! [ ding! ] oh, this is ridiculous. we're building an empire, and he's visiting with his wife. it's not like him. it's like her. what? darrin: yes, sir? hasn't he come back yet? no, i'm sorry, he hasn't. [ ding! ] well, it's about time! i'm sorry, sweetheart. here, he guarantees one of these will lower your voice. thank you.
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? [ no audio ] could you speak up just a little bit? [ no audio ] speak a little slower, sweetheart. i'm trying to read your lips. gonna kill who? [ no audio ] i'll be right back. [ ding! ] [ no audio ] well, come on. hornbeck's blowing his top! [ no audio ] can still listen, can't you? come on! well, i found him. sit down, and listen. go ahead, mr. hornbeck. we were discussing whether to go public or hold on to the stock ourselves. and i say why share a gold mine? we can always go into public issue later. what do you think? you can nod your head, can't you? do you think we should go public?
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what's the matter with him? i think i know what it is. this is the big one, the chance we've all dreamed of, and i think he's got a little stage fright, that's all. [ high-pitched voice ] that's probably why you lost your voice. what's wrong with you? my voice. listen to me. what happened? i don't know! i don't know! [ paper tears ] "pills." side effects? i think we've talked long enough. let's sign the agreements and get it over with. i've got a better idea. why don't we just forget the whole thing? you're joking, of course. i wish i was. mr. hornbeck, those pills have a side effect. who do you think you're kidding? stephens disappears, then comes back, hands you a note, now you're trying to back out.
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a blatant double cross! [ high-pitched voice ] now you have it, too. so have you! no, i didn't take any pill. this is the way i talk all the time. [ intercom buzzes ] yes? woman: mr. tate? mrs. stephens is here again. hi, everybody. it might be nice to drink a toast to the new company. oh! oh, mr. hornbeck, this is mrs. stephens. how do you do? you too, huh? hmm. no sense in letting this go to waste. sam, do you know where we could find bombay? on the road to mandalay? no, no, no! i mean the quack who conned us into this whole pill deal! those pills of his have side effects! oh. is that why your voices all sound so funny?
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here, sweetheart. drink this. champagne's been known to work wonders. thank you. [ ding! ] thank you. [ normal voice ] sam, it's very good. [ ding! ] my voice! my voice came back! it worked. maybe it'll help you fellas. [ normal voice ] you're right, this -- hey! i'm back to normal, too. [ normal voice ] hope i can get mine back. it is back! didn't do a thing for me. when i think of how close we came to an international disaster! tate, this is another example of one of your feeble, feeble-- oh, oh -- ah-choo! bless you. i got my cold back again. mr. hornbeck, how was i to know -- know -- ah-choo! bless you. [ stifles sneeze ] well, this is no place for a lawyer who's still got his health, so i'll see you all. now, wait, wait. i'll drop you off in my cab.
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give me an opportunity to make up for this goof!
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i know, darrin. i was saying to louise when i was telling her about the blowup with hornbeck, that the last three years have been nothing but one disappointment after another. some good things have happened too, lar. not in the last three years. three years. now wait a minute, larry! are you blaming me because hornbeck pulled out? and who introduced me to that kook dr. bombay? and who badgered him into giving us the rights? darrin, one of your severest faults is that you can't accept blame. i can't? [ intercom buzzes ] yes? woman: mr. hornbeck and his lawyer are here. lawyer?
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got any grounds? i don't know. have them come in. that's all i need right now, is a lawsuit! as if i don't have enough suits -- and boats! i'm sorry. i'm getting hysterical. mr. hornbeck, before you say anything, stephens wants to make a statement. me? yes. i want you to tell mr. hornbeck that you are personally responsible for discovering dr. bombay and his pills. i knew you were the bright one! now, where can i find this dr. bombay? i want to make a deal with him. what about the side effect? side effects -- plural. there's another one? i'll say. what is it? prager, get out those agreements. boys, get out your pens. we're back in business once again, gentlemen.
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don't like it, huh? forget it. i'm going to build an empire the greatest you've ever seen. are [???]th me? and here we have the surveyor, which has already made a successful landing on the moon, a very expensive model. and the lunar orbiter spacecraft. the ranger a, which has made many pictures of the moon. and here we have the saturn five. you see, the actual flying of the capsule is a very small part of the flight. now, in addition to flying a spacecraft, tronaut must observe and report on scientific data that is being collected inside and outside of the capsule. now, if you'll just step this way, please. this is our new testing chamber. dr. alfred bellows will answer any questions you may have. [chuckles] and i certainly hope you'll all return soon. jeannie. jeannie, how many times have i told you [laughing] not to come to nasa? oh, master, i'm having a terrible time. i cannot make up my mind. i am redecorating the living room.
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none of 'em. this? what is this? this is not really the appropriate place-- or this one? jeannie, what are you doing? or this one? now-- what--? do you think that would look nice in the living room? wow! now, jeannie, get rid of these things. oh, i have one more to show you. now, really, i mean it. i want 'em out of here. oh! oh, master! [gasps] oh, master, i am so sorry. oh, i'm all right. now, get out of here ri-- jeannie? what happened? jeannie? jeannie? speak to me. what happened? well, you knocked her out when you opened the door, doctor. i did? yes. oh! are you all right? young lady. young lady! well, don't just sit there. call a doctor. dr. bellows, you are a doctor.
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but she has no pulse. yes, well-- oh, she's coming around. how do you feel? my professional advice would be not to answer any questions at all right now, my dear. are you her doctor? no, sir. i'm her lawyer. [???]
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[???] how do you feel? oh, i am all right. don't say another word. i want her examined by my personal physician. if you don't mind, i'll examine her first. no, no, nobody's gonna examine her. what? well, i mean, she feels all right. whiplash can fool you. whiplash? and concussion.
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see, she's fine, sir. see? i want her taken to the hospital immediately. sorry. roger! wait a minute! [elevator bell dings] oh, go ahead, miss. okay. roge. uh, pardon me, miss. hello. oh, hello. oh, i can't help you, sir, but the floor nurse will be back in just a moment. floor nurse? excuse me. yeah. thank you. oh, uh, we're looking for a young lady about this high with blond hair. her name, please? uh, jeannie. is that her first name or her last name? yes. yes what? uh, dr. bellows brought her in. oh, that young woman. yeah. poor thing. what do you m-- what's the matter with her? her doctor will have to give you that information.
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could you give us her room number? i'm sorry. she can't have any visitors. oh, i see. [phone ringing] third floor. go that way. yeah, yeah. major nelson. yes, sir? oh, i was just about to call you to get over here. we have reports to fill out-- how, when, where the accident happened. well, as a matter of fact, i was just on my way to see the young lady, too. poor thing. poor thing? well, you just don't run across these things very often, unless, of course, she's faking. doctor, what's the matter with her? i prefer not to say until i've seen the x-rays. oh, you've already taken the x-rays? they'll be ready any minute. i have the feeling that i've seen her somewhere before. uh, major healey. what's her name? uh, her name? what's her name? what's her name? oh, what's-her-name. she was on the tour, wasn't she?
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i didn't see it. she just didn't pop out of the clear blue sky, right? whatever you say. i'm afraid that this pool fellow is really trying to put one over on us. needless to say that-- uh, yes, sir? needless to say that the, uh, legal department of the adjutant general's office isn't going to look too kindly on the whole incident. well, i don't think you have anything to worry about, sir. i have a feeling that by this afternoon she'll have forgotten about the whole thing. i'm sure she will. she's already forgotten everything else. what's your name? i... i do not know. that's great. you're doing beautifully. but i really do not know. that's right. play it for all it's worth. and, honey, it's worth a small fortune. what is? i've had some good accident cases in my day, but this is the piece de resistance. one defenseless little girl
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but not a decent settlement for one lonely, injured little girl, seeking her lost identity here on earth. i think they'll be shoveling the money into us. [knock at door] oh, that'll probably be the press. i told them i'd make a statement. now, i'll see them out in the hall. you're much too sick to have visitors. oh, but, uh, if you could manage a grunt or a groan that can be heard outside, it won't hurt us. [press murmuring] is america a democracy with a heart, or is it a cruel, uncaring dictatorship? gentlemen, inside this room lies a victim of the space age, a beautiful young blonde-- 36-24-36-- ruthlessly struck down by a piece of equipment destined to go to the moon. did i hear someone refer to this lovely child
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[camera shutters clicking] i don't even have a union card! nah. listen, we've got to get jeannie out of there before dr. bellows takes any more pictures of her head. yeah? what are you gonna find? it's transparent. yeah, that's what i'm talking about. what are you do-- why don't we just go through the door like everybody else? because pool is in there. you heard him talking to those reporters. if he makes any more speeches like he's been doing, he's not only gonna win a law case, he's going to build a shrine to jeannie, and we're going to be buried at the foot of it. . put this on. the painters aren't gonna be back-- they'll be back in a few minutes. come on. that'll do it. what do you need me for? because it takes two to get that thing up in the air. you work the ropes from that end, and i'll handle this side, okay? come on. when i say "now." ready? yeah. now.
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tony! roger, don't panic. roger. aah! no. oh, no. oh, no! tony! [thud] roger! [???]
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yeah, this is her room. let's go. wait a minute. w-what about my hair? well, frankly, i think it's a bit flashy, but, then again, it's all a matter of taste. before you. [groans] sorry. [loud rattle] jeannie. jeannie? it's all right. i'm here. [screams]
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[screaming] please. look, don't do that. we-- what's gotten into you, jeannie? y-you called me jeannie?
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i live with you? well, of course you do. oh, i'm so happy! oh, i had no idea. well, i mean, i never thought that i would-- how long have we been married? married? who said anything about being married? we are not married, and i live with you? what's the matter with that? what is the matter with that? what kind of a girl do you think i am? oh, come on, jeannie. we know what kind of a girl you are. now-- now, stop fooling around. that is exactly what i intend to do. get out. look, jeannie-- get out, or i will scream. oh, no! we're going, we're going. all right. bye-bye. yeah. before you go, do you mind telling me who i am? y-you don't know-- you don't know who you are? no. and who are you? you know who i am. i'm loveable roge. no, she doesn't know who you are, loveable roge. she's got amnesia. amnesia?! [thump] well, jeannie, uh...
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now, i'm your friend. so i gathered. [laughs] oh, no, no. it's-- it's not what you're thinking, not at all. you live with me, but you don't live with me because you live in a bottle. if you leave now, i promise not to tell them where to look for you. [laughs] no, no, you don't-- you don't understand. you see, you're a genie. [chuckles] i know. no, no, i mean a genie genie. and i live in a bottle. yeah. and i'm your master. now it's clear, huh? very. [screams] [yells] give us a chance to prove it. yeah. y-you've got very powerful powers. yeah. what kind of power? all you have to do is blink. yeah. try it. mm, no, i do not think-- tony: try it.
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there. now will you go? no, no, no, you don't understand. you see, when you blink, you have to think of something, you have to concentrate. i'm-- i'm here to help you, jeannie. we're trying to rescue you. please try it. rescue me? mm-hmm, that's right. r-rescue me? [???] how did you do that? has anyone here seen king arthur? jeannie: i cannot believe my eyes. bellows: neither can i. uh... where did that knight in armor come from? what knight in armor, sir? uh... oh, that knight in armor. well, i just blinked, and it was there. no, no. uh, you know, we found out who this young lady is. you've heard of houdini, the greatest male magician in the world. well, this is jeannie, the greatest female magician in the world.
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perhaps on the stage. uh, no, it isn't. i remember where i saw her before. wasn't she the girl that was with you in--? no, no, i don't think she was. no, she wasn't with me then, sir. why don't you do your big disappearing act? disappearing act? you know, at dr. bellows' house. jeannie: oh, i do not think i can do that. tony: well, concentrate. dr. bellows' house. [whimpers] [sighs] look, jeannie, now he's back at his house, and he's forgotten about-- [squeaking] jeannie, i said "house," not "mouse." m-mouse! [screams] [all yelling] w-wait, wait wait! over here! roger: i'll get it! i'll get it! [both shouting]
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dr. bellows? dr. bellows? i beg your pardon. huh? oh. um, have you seen a little white mouse around here? a mouse? mm-hmm. don't worry. if i had, you would've heard me clear to the other end of the base. have you seen dr. bellows yet? no, no, she hasn't seen him. dr. bellows? i thought you said you were looking for a mouse. yeah. well, they kind of go together. yeah. you see, well, dr. bellows goes with the mouse, and the mouse goes with dr. bellows. yeah. [chuckles] well, no. you see, that's not exactly, uh... ? wild blue yonder ? ? up we go ? roger, do you think...? i wouldn't dare. dr. breckenridge. oh, major nelson. maj-- say, uh, these little mice wouldn't be the ones that are--? are going on that mars probe at 1600 hours. yes, sir, we are going to mars, aren't we, dancer, prancer, dunder--? that's funny. there are five of them. i thought we only scheduled four.
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blue yonder ? oh! ? off we go ? [humming] wait! oh! oh. how is the patient? terrible, doc. don't let anything happen to her. she's my first legitimate case. oh, it is you again. don't-- don't scream again. oh, i am not going to scream. need your help. you've got to get dr. bellows back. do you realize in an hour and-- and 14 seconds dr. bellows is going to be on his way to mars is a mouse cage? y-you've gotta bring him back. but i do not know how to bring him back. well, of course you do. after all, you're a genie. genie in a bottle. yeah, that's right. y-you don't believe me? no. uh, jeannie, look, i-i don't have time to argue.
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[sighs] very well. what is it you wish me to do? all you have to do is think bellows and blink. think bellows, blink. yeah, that's all. just think bellows and blink. [mutters quietly] you got the wrong bellows. well, i am sorry. i am rather tired. perhaps we can try it again tomorrow. no, jeannie. we don't have time for that. pl-- just try once more. i'll concentrate with you, okay? i'll form a picture in my mind, and you blink. roger! well, i tried to think of dr. bellows. all right, let's try the word association game. dr. bellows is on his way to mars, and you want to play games. roger, this might trigger her into remembering who she is. oh, i get it. we name some people and some places, and we get her memory gog, huh? yeah, right. yeah? well, where do we start? she's been around a long, long time.
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he didn't mean anything by it, jeannie. now, i'm gonna mention some names, and you see if it helps you remember, okay? um, julius caesar. no. napoleon bonaparte. no. genghis khan. no. uh, uh... millard fillmore. what?! well, he was the 13th president of the united states. what's wrong with millard fillmore? will you just drive. [???] uh... uh... marc antony. no. cleopatra. no. oh. turn on the radio. they're broadcasting the launch. why don't we think of some places? man on radio: fifteen minutes to countdown. all systems to go. [fingers snap] places, places. uh, paris. no. berlin. mm-mm. uh, madrid. no. how about anaheim, azusa, and cucamonga? man on radio: only five minutes more. ah, poor dr. bellows.
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stop. stop the car! stop the car! what? i'm-- there's a telephone booth. pull over there, will ya? wait a minute. hold on. pull over. all right. right here. here. what are you doing? huh? i'm gonna call the launch pad and have them stop the launch. oh. roger, give me a dime, will ya? all right, all right. what are you doing? they're not going to stop the launching. look, we don't have the time. she is obviously not going to regain her memory. give me the dime, will ya? wait a minute. she lost her memory when she was hit on the head, right? yeah, yeah. oh, well... all we have to do is take this, and maybe we could just-- just give me that. will you give me the dime? all right, i'll give you the dime. why didn't you just suggest it--? ooh! oh! uh... jeannie. speak to me. are you all right? huh? w-what happened? well, you got-- master! [gasps] oh, where are we? you're all right. you got your memory back.
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roger. major healey! roger. oh, major healey. roger. roger. roger, are you all right? here, sit up. talk to me. say something. who are you? uh... [chuckles] oh! oh, g-get dr. bellows back. blink now and get him back. d-dr. bellows? what happened? what happ-- oh, y-you came to the testing chamber, and you were trying to show me some statues-- i can't go into it, jeannie. just blink him back. man on radio: and there it goes. it's a beautiful launch. and it's up in the blue, and it looks like a perfect shot.
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s success this afternoon, so was the strange sea rescue out in the pacific today. [???] although the explanation is still forthcoming,
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national aerospace administration was plucked safely from somewhere in the middle of the pacific ocean today. how did he get there? nobody seems to know, not even dr. bellows who is still in somewhat of a state of shock. however, he is expected to recover quickly, and perhaps the mystery will be cleared up then. are you sure you're all right, roge? [mumbles] you mean the loss of memory? well, that was just a temporary thing. yeah. well, dr. bellows is all right, and you're all right, so-- why don't you go on home, and i'll get some rest. oh, okay, sure. well, goodbye, major healey. and i'm very sorry that i caused you so much trouble. oh, that's all right, jeannie. thanks for everything. bye. i'll see you, roge. uh, you don't want us to order dinner for you or anything? no, thanks. [yawns] well... bye-bye. major healey. my name is pool. i'm sure you'll remember me. now, i've been going over your case, and i see here an opportunity for us--
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will you hold that. if you'll just give me your signature, then i will... mom. if you'll just give me your sig [laughing] well... well... well, what are you doing here? oh, i was just passing by. i got lonely. oh, well. well... you're just passing by. well, bridgeport is a thousand miles from here, mom. oh, do you think it's right for a mother to be separated from her son by a thousand miles? let me look at you. you look terrible. that service haircut, and you look so thin. well, i brought everything for you. yeah? uh, organically grown food. herbs... i-i thought you said you were sending this under a separate cover. separate cover decided to deliver. [chuckles]
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if the mountain won't come to mohammed, then mohammed comes to the mountain. that mountain's gonna get crowded, ma. and i'm here. good. to stay. wonderful. permanently. permanently. p-permanently? you know, mohammed is kidding. mother, i really would love to have you stay, but i'm kind of short of room. oh, whenever did a mother need room? oh, this place is a mess. but as soon as i unpack, i'll clean it up. oh, it's a lovely house, anthony. but it certainly needs a woman's touch. hm. [chuckles] looks as if it hadn't been dusted for a year. yeah, well, mother, there's no reason for you to bother with that. why don't you act like a guest?
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yes, well... oh-ho. dust, dust, dust. you are a typical bachelor, anthony. sloppy. i'll just unpack. see the dust? [wind howling] well, you certainly have a cool ocean breeze. i think it's the beginning of hurricane jeannie. you could catch cold. look. huh? where? over there. what is it? oh, that poor little plant, it's dying. dying just like a dog.
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[???] and no more hurricanes, you understand? yes, master. but there was no dust. shhh. to a mother, there was dust. yes, master. we have to make her as comfortable as possible while she's here. mother: where do you keep the vacuum cleaner? i vacuumed it myself this morning! [whispers] shh! jeannie, please. uh, don't bother, mother. look, all we have to do is convince her that i'm well cared for, and she'll go home. ha. that is impossible. your house is too dirty, your hair is too short, you are too thin. yeah, look, she's my mother. let's just humor her while she's here, hm? okay? yes, master. [laughing] i can't-- i can't-- oh, she would love that.
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get me out of this-- come on. i mean it. that's better. that's much better. now, you. go, go on, get out. oh. please? anthony, i'm going to get us a little lunch. oh. ah. how can anyone live just on ice cubes? [laughs] it's amazing you haven't starved to death without me to look after you. no bread. no fruit. sorry, mom. no vegetables. mom, i-- i've already set the table.
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oh! you had it set in. yes. [laughing] well, it's cold. a man should have a hot meal in the middle of the day. mustard? thank you. oh, that'll be fine. mother, i wish you'd let me take the couch and you take my bed. i wouldn't dream of it. but i want you to be comfortable. a mother doesn't have to be comfortable. i'll be uncomfortable in the way i want to be uncomfortable. okay, but you call me if you change your mind, mom. yes, dear. good night. good night. now you get to bed. an astronaut needs his sleep. okay, mom. oh, my. i shall sleep tight tonight.
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[knocks] anthony! anthony! what is it? what is it, ma? there is a door under my sheet. a door? oh, you sweet boy. you remembered about your mother's bad back. [chuckles] so thoughtful of you. you remembered that i always slept on a board. how could i forget? oh, there aren't many sons who would think of a door for their mother's bed. no, not many, ma. there. let me help you. now, i shall sleep tight tonight. nothing's going to wake me now. good. oh, here. [groans]
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good night. good night. [plays "reveille"] [panting]
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[jeannie shrieks] ma? mom? ma? oh, anthony? what is it, dear? do you want something to eat? no.
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i was dreaming. what a dream i had. we were in bridgeport, right in the main street. and they were giving you a parade. oh, it was beautiful. ticker tape, trumpets, drums, cymbals. boom! i thought i heard a-- a cannon. imagine, a parade for my son. anthony the astronaut. tony the tired. oh, dear, why, of course you are after all that excitement. now, you go right back to sleep. okay. good night, ma. sweet dreams. good night. sleep tight. yeah. why aren't you married? what?
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daphne? yes. she was the athletic one. oh, you used to canter off into the woods together. do you remember? well, not at 3:00 in the morning i don't, mom. or perhaps it's eleanor you remember. eleanor. with the adorable freckles. freckles. don't you remember her? yes, she always wanted to be a nurse. oh, what a beauty. mom, i really gotta get some sleep, come on. we'll talk about it in the morning. good night. how many times have i told you not to come in here without knocking? [door knocks] what is it? oh. uh, nothing. good night, darling. w-what's the matter with you? i have a mother-in-law problem. you can't have a mother-in-law problem. we're not married. i gotta get some sleep. how long is she going to stay? i don't know. i think she's moved in.
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let me worry about this. you got plenty of room in your bottle. just go pop in. i gotta get some sleep. i'm exhausted. very well. what the--?
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john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick.
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doctor, it's so nice of you to drop in to see me. not at all, mrs. nelson, i've been looking forward to meeting tony's mother. oh, thank you. i've been so worried about tony. so have i. and frankly, i'm relieved that you're here. are you? i've known your son for some time now and i feel that he could use a sort of sober helping hand. you mean a mother's hand? [giggles] yes, i'm just as normal as anthony is. oh, he's such a darling. do you know, last night he had me sleeping on a door? he had you sleep on a door? he is so thoughtful. oh, of course, he's just an average son. i'm just an average mother. i'd like to be an average grandmother.
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he needs some nice girl who would look after him properly. he can't go on living in this dust bowl. [coughing] i think... it's getting a little misty in here. perhaps if i-- if i close the windows? oh, uh, they're closed. would you have an apricot cookie? oh, yes, thank you. i, uh-- i can't see them. i made them myself this morning. where are they? anthony would never have a home-cooked meal. the last time i was in a fog like this was at sea on the atlantic. oh, really? did you have a nice crossing? [foghorn sound] oh, what was that? sounded like a foghorn. in the living room? [blowing] oh, doctor. you backed into the teapot. oh, excuse me, i, uh...
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oh, certainly. oh, thank you. oh, here we are. i do hope you'll come again on a clear day. yes, another time, yes, when i've consulted my barometer first. oh. oh. ooh! whoa! oh, i'm sorry you don't like fog. well... oh! well, i've never been crazy about it. oh, uh, excuse me, i had a hat, mrs. nelson. yeah, right over there. thank you. you're welcome. i don't understand. it's sunny. there's no fog out there. now, now, doctor. it's best not to get emotional about the weather. yes. good day.
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psychiatrists. always something a little peculiar. oh, hi, ma. smells great. i'm cooking all of your favorite dishes. just as i did when you were a little boy. oh, well, i don't want you to go to all this trouble. i'll take you out for dinner. out? oh, you don't like my fried chicken. oh, no-- with plenty of sugar and spice. i love it, i do. it's just that... oh! you'd like to get out of the house? yeah, i sure would, yeah. all right. we'll take it with us. take it where? to the beach. we'll have a picnic. okay, sure, just the two of us, huh? that's a wonderful idea. i can't go out of the house with my hair like this.
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it's a mess. no. give me a mirror. well, mom, i can't get you-- oh, here. why, it looks as if i have sequins over my eyebrows. yes, well, that's the atmospheric conditions combined with the kreptactic light sequentials. kreptactic light sequentials. isn't science wonderful? it's nice. yeah, it looks fine. you know, anthony? there's something about the cocoa beach climate that is amazing. yeah, it's enough to curl your hair. [giggling] [laughing] more chicken, anthony? oh, mom, i couldn't. oh, you've scarcely eaten anything. [laughs]
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and three apple dumplings? it's getting a little chilly. why don't you put on your jacket, dear? no, i'm not cold, ma. oh, you need some nice girl to look after you. some nice, old-fashioned girl. oh, i had the most marvelous dream last night. i dreamt that you met the perfect girl. she was blonde and beautiful. she could cook, she could sew and bright. she wore thick glasses. you could see that she was fond of children. and what a sense of humor. well, ma, you can't take dreams too seriously. [gasps] there she is. that's the girl. isn't she lovely? yeah. cooks, sews and is intelligent.
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but would you tell me where you are from? bridgeport. bridgeport. anthony, did you hear that? may i see your left hand? you aren't married. tell me you aren't married. i can tell you, she's not married. oh, my. do i have an astronaut for you.
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[???] are you sure you don't wanna stay for just a few more days, ma? oh, now that you have met jeannie, i feel that i can leave you alone.
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d care of him. well, i don't see why you have to just rush off, you know. oh, i was going to keep it for a secret. but this morning, i received a special delivery letter from bridgeport. i won the do-or-die sweepstakes. [chuckles] oh. both: a free trip to sunny spain. yeah. isn't that exciting? [laughing] yeah. i've never been to spain. i just can't wait. it's gonna be wonderful for you, mother. bellows: major nelson. ah-ah! not here. oh, well, i will go upstairs and see if you left anything there. yeah, i'll go with you. oh, major nelson. come in, doctor. ah. oh, well, hello, mrs. nelson. forgive me for barging in like this, but i, uh-- i heard you were leaving, and i just want another chance to exam-- i mean, to wish you bon voyage.
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uh, doctor, i must tell you. anthony has found the most wonderful girl. nothing serious, i hope. what do you mean? well, uh, forgive me, but in my opinion, your son is not ready for marriage. oh, i almost forgot. i brought you some flowers for your trip, mrs. nelson. oh, how thoughtful. i, uh-- how delightful. i hope they match your dress. i always... how wonderful. onions. onions? scallions. oh, how thoughtful. i saw them put carnations in the box. i smelled the carnations. did you? yes. oh, uh, excuse me. there's something about this house.
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? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ? ? the chores ? ? the stores ? ? fresh air ? ? times square ?

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