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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 16, 2016 12:05am-1:07am EST

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is gonna be.
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nsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme )er: stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: good evening, everybody! (cheers and applause) whoo! whoo! welcome to "the late show"! we're here! show!
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(audience chanting stephen) (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! thank you so much! as ie to "the late show." i am proud to be your host, stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) all of them, equally good.of the people running for president right now, one day we will be celebrating with a half-off mattress sale. (laughter) all right, it's a real course, this time last year everyone was positive it was going to be hillary clinton. she was a lock. but she's still reeling fromrnie sanders in new hampshire last
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bernie won 83% of young voters. (cheers and applause) won was voters over 65. so she may not have won new hampshire, but she definitely won old hampshire. (laughter) but they're nimble. her team is nimble. so her team sprung into actionng people with an ad on the youth-friendly social network, america online. (laughter) this isr new campaign slogan: (modem noise)a. >> jon: that's the dialup.l teens go to update their geocities page.
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appeal to the youths next.aflets at bingo night. or team up with netflix to sponsor a "murder she wrote" reunion where the victim... is the middle class. (laughter) or a massive ad buy on a.m. radio:ll yo millennials to get out there and support hillary. coming up next: three hours of old men whispering about jesus!" (laughter) listen. well, whatever age you are, we've got a great show for you tonight. first, i'll be sitting down with the very funny craig ferguson. he's much taller than you think. >> jon: oh, yeah. i didn't know he was that tephen: he's host ago new
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so if you miss the first episode, you'll be doomed to repeat it.cover models of this year's "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition. (cheers and applause) they're wearing on the cover. unless you think it's swimsuits, in which case you're spot on. and later i'll be joined by senator cory booker.ause) he's written a new book called "united."ng congress together or provide them with a heavy object to throw at each other. plus, i will face off with world darts champion scott waites.ause) hey, scott waites fans! band, jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! (cheers and applause)the ripcord, but before they do, one more thing:
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will set sail in 2018. and this time, it should be, by then, we should be out of icebergs. (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight...hen welcomes craig ferguson!lustrated" swimsuit edition models hailey clauson and ashley graham! senator cory booker! darts champion scott waites! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the latephen colbert!
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>> stephen: thank you so much! thanks, everybody. before we get started.like to say a few words about the passing of supreme court justice antonin scalia. he was universally acknowledged to be an intellectual giant, who left his mark not only on the court but on our approach to the constitution. an with him or made a lot of jokes about him like i did, he had a sense of humor.roken down the transcripts of oral arguments, and he told more jokes and got more laughs than of any of the justices. reason why he was such good friends with justices who he disagreed with like ruth bader ginsburg and elena kagan.gh to have one conversation with him that
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it was ten years ago this april,the white house correspondents dinner. i don't know if you guys saw that. (chf of people laughed in the front row. (laughter) some people laughed in the back of the room but the importantfront row, mostly silent when i gave the speech. when it was over, no one was even mak me. the one exception was antoninia. he had been caught a week earlier doing this to the photographers. i did my gestures at him.er, he came up to me, again, no one is talking to
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me and says, it's great, great! did you give me one of these? ahhh! i rst, i want to ask, would that be legal for me to do? he said, of course, it would be legal. i saone of these. he said, great stuff! great stuff! good night. and he left. i watched him go and i thought, don't you make me love you, oldso i will forever be grateful for that moment of human contact that he gave me. so i would like to say one last scalia, i salute you. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) while i'm guessing i'm not on the short list to be named to
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tremendous power. i canople to wait in line in the snow for two hours and they still clap when they see me! (cheers and applause) that's not right! andd yet, there are those out there even more powerful than i am history's most despotic leaders - people like genghis khan, czar nicholas the second and jessica alba, who i believe is the ruler of albania. (laughter)s have but two things in common: the first one is a secret, but the second one is a big furry hat!
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(cheers and applause) now that this hat is upon my head, i am endowed with this is due to my hat's two main attributes: its bigness, and its furriness. any proclamations i make whilenow and forever law. let us begin. drumming a march rhythm). from this day forward, only people born on presidents dayun for president. those born on groundhog's day may run for groundhog. henceforth, subway trains shall
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coasters."a restaurant is cash only, the menu must clearly state which organized crime syndicate the restaurant is a front for.d applause) there shall be a sequel to "foxcatcher" called "wolf blitzer." (laughter) there shall be no calories in cap'n crunch, as long as i scoop it out of the box with my hand. besides... any weight i gain will be offset by the amount of flesh scraped off the roof of my mouth. (laughter)eforth, the dad on your street whose shorts have the most pockets is now king. (applause)e, there shall finally be a single-a
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(applause)pint of ice cream shall be renamed to "one sadness of ice cream." (applause) people who refer to their pets as their babies must breastfeed their pets. (applause)now in the state of kansas. all cities in missouri will be named "st. louis." (laughter) from now, you feed a cold, starve a fever, and honey glaze a herpes. (laughter) if you sex someone real good,red lobster. (cheers and applause)
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john silvers. (laughter) the term "walkie-talkies" now refers to toddlers. the female version of a "sausagefest" is now officiallyospective. (laughter) the hat has spoken! (cheers and applause) ack with craig ferguson. (cheers and applause) man, i might just chill tonight. puppymonkeybaby...ybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppy.....
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ome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) my first guest tonight is a peabody-award winning comedian, writer, and tv host with a new show on the history channel. pl
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oh! hey!ers and applause) >> stephen: now, you and i, we have met once before. >> i it's the bathroom at the grammys -- no, the emmys. >> stephen: i was in the bathroom with kanye in theyou at the emmys. a wonderful place to meet. >> i wanted to be your friend and i was following you around the bathroom and i was, like, hey!your friend and i wanted to come in with you, stephen, but you wouldn't let me, but here i am now. touch me again.>> stephen: do you work out? i work out. only this arm, though. (laughter) i'm like touch my arm and see what i do. >> stephen: you flexed?! i did not!
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what this felt like.in his own manliness. >> yeah, and that was me flexing. >> stephen: you are an american citizen now. i have been for some time. (applause) that's why if trump becomes president i'm, like, you can't touch me, i'm here, it's cool.u got in under the trump limit, as we call it. >> the scottish people are out building a wall. >> stephen: they already had one.s built the wall to keep the scottish people out. >> stephen: couldn't do it. it's a lesson from our history. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you more americans because you chose america. you married into this family knowing what you were getting. the rest of us were born here. >> to be fair, first of all,nning for (applause) >> stephen: that's true. and i also think, yes, ahe sense that
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born a catholic. >> stephen: i can leave anytime, though. know people who become catholics later on in life -- >> stephen: they pray with the elbows out.ttle more jesus-y than the regular catholic. >> stephen: because they chose. >> changing your naan act of faith, any faith is enhanced by having a little doubt and concern. when i look at my owns still fervent and there, but it's a little different than it was of the july fourth feeling of becoming a citizen., like, how do become involved in electing the president and that sort of thing. >> stephen: did you becomecitizen july fourth? >> no.
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girl to marry you at the top of the eiffel tower. >> did you do that? not as romantic as i could be. >> i'm sure you wife said okay, anyway. don't propose a woman on top of thee you want a woman to settle for less. >> stephen: the bottom of a mine shaft. >> that's correct. it's going to be better, >> stephen: why "join or can i get a shot of that? >> that's a tattoo on my arm. ben franklin put this in a together, a united calling. so it became a symbol of the united colonies which became thed i thought it would be nice to get that when i
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i have others but they're >> stephen: does this deal with a part of american history. >> i think the first years were too contemporary. i think we should go back a little further. be in the last 50 to 100 years and tends to be american history. these are some of the topics -- >> sthe topics coming up on the new show, can i ask you about them? >> yeah. but i'm not putting myself out as a history buff.like you are buff. >> stephen: or in the buff. well... >> stephen: ratings, ratings. ratings are important. >> stephen: never say never. i don't know if meked will get anybody watch the history channel. >> stephen: we'll get to see the other tattoo! >> we watched dynasty and now a naked dude,en: well, it's the history channel. for a long time it was hitler then aliens. >> that's part of our history, you like it or
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>> stephen: and aliens. we have come from another planet! >> stephen: yeah, that was a good hitler alien! that was (applause) >> yes, i only work out on this side -- >> stephen: most overrated figure in american history and why? who's that? >> at the moment, i think it has to be kanye, butter) >> stephen: he's in debt. i don't believe it. i think it's a ploy. >> stephen: really? how can he be in debt? you seen how he lives? it was possible. >> he's got clothing lines and, you know, doesn't that make you clothing line. do you have a clothing line? >> i'd like to put one together. the wrong business. >> 50-year-old scottish dude. i want to look like that guy!
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the things you had to learn for- for your citizenship test? >> no, i did it when it was easier. they changed the test and made it harder. when i did it, it's like, do youuaida? you're in! >> stephen: that was it? yeah. >> stephen: are you still scottish? do you have dual >> yes, you can have it removed. your people are originally from france, i would imagine. >> stephen: no, mine are from ireland. it's sort of fake french, but i'm from>> you changed your name to frenchjt >> stephen: it'sert, but i'm pretentious. >> he said something so deprecating and you went, yea! you guys are jerks!'s your question? >> i was thinking about trump because i thought it might come
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you know his mother was scottish. >> stephen: i heard that,hat's the (bleep) problem right there! can i say that on cbs now? (cheers and yeah! you can say (bleep) all you want on cbs now! yeah! that's one of the biggestey love it! they love it! >> if i had known that i would have (bleep)ter) but his mother is scottish and you're looking at a man whose mother is scottish and not enen: who tees the greatest scot? >> sean connery, without a doubt. >> stephen: are you guys from the same area.s a east coast-west coast thing. it's a biggie tupac.e a beef?
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still kick my ass. >> st craig ferguson" premieres february 18th at 11:00 pm on the history channel. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) o you know where my beige socks are? check the walk-in closet. richard!s of people in the world. those who are content to blend in- these people walk through life like beige socks. then there are those who expect more.. they have pizzazz. eventually, the beige sock people get devoured by the ones who stand out.t to be devoured? no! what is that? new kia optima. it's like the world's most exciting pair of socks, but it's a midsize sedan. whoa!
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(cheers and applause) : welcome back. my next guests are cover models of the 2016 "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition. please welcome, hailey clauson and ashley graham! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thank you! >> stephen: congratulationons the cover. it's like winning the super bowl
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how does it feel?g. of "sports illustrated." >> stephen: same feelings? oh, my gosh, it's the biggest moment of my life.e the last magazine people still buy. >> i never thought about that! >> stephen: but 70 million people will see these covers andem are women. 20 million women buy this. >> i think we're going to get a few more million because now you're seeing such a diverse i mean, hailey, me -- (applause) >> stephen: there are three covers here. i'm not sure i can actually show cbs. >> go girl! >> stephen: that's you, hailey. ashley, this is you. (cheers and applause) and then the third cover isda. >> we miss you, rhonda! >> stephen: rhonda's not here
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union, one of you has to be in awhile the other two are seen in public. like the vice president has to be in a secure location. >> we have a big possiet all times. >> stephen: ashley, you are the first plus size model on the cover. >> curve-a-sex-a-alicious. (applause) >> stephen: we have a boxer on the cover.en: do you think the industry standards for what is beautiful in a woman are expanding? >> of course. i mean, we're all representing something else. i mean, i think i'm kind of these i was always that girl that was in the fashion industry and then became a woman and nobody knew what to do with me. >> stephen: what does that well, i hit puberty. >> stephen: oh, okay.
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i was done. believe it or not, girls on the catwalk are a 2. >> stephen: what are you? >> stephen: how do you work at all! (laughter) what size are you, ashley? >> a 14-16, depending on the time of day. (laughter) >> stephen: rhonda being the third person, this is like a shell game. she has athing suit. she's essentially naked. that bathing suit is painted on. you have half a bathing suit and a full bathing suit on. so covers, only 1 1/2 bathing suit there. >> i tooktephen: you did? hailey's cover, that's so beautiful. i i had doing just one hand but there is ar)
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charity called alda. >> it means wave in ice five curvy models started're changing lives of young women, going to different camps letting women know you're worthy society tell you (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i've done -- i did one "sports illustrated" cover yearsand applause) but i was hoping y'all could teach me how to properly pose on the cover, of it. >> i think holding your>> stephen:ly try to find them.
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start off. (tropical music) sexy prop. >> arch your back. >> stephen: are you going to yell through this entire thing?i am. okay, so arch my back? >> arch your back. out. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you can be sexy anywhere. let's get sexy someplace else. what if we got, jim? >> ooh! >> stephen: iceland. do the haley cover. (cheers and applause) >> wow! that was good! >> stephen: let's go to the next one.
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try not to get sucked in. >> we're on a journey. >> stephen: head back. lastly, let's take the ultimate location where we're all going in the end, hell. we're sexy (cheers and applause) well,lustrated" swimsuit edition is available on news stands and online now. hailey clauson and ashley everybody.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is the junior senator from new jersey. please welcome cory booker!d applause) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> good to see brother baptiste over there.
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in your lastphen: you guys were singing together. >> we were standing together. i wasn't singing. i was mouthing the words. >> stephen: let's mouth some now. >> let's do. >> stephen: you have a new book called "united: thoughtson ground and advancing the common good." we are so politically divided how do we find common ground anymore? is my common ground arily yours? can we agree on what is common anymore? >> i think we can more than we know. our differences matter but our more. when you focus on country and patriotism, it necessitates a love of americans. love is not a wimpy word. it's actually a hard, nd it means reaching out. we often have this idea we should just tolerate each other. tolerance is a week start. it just says weh
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different, if you disappear from the face of the earth, i'm no bert or worse off. but we as a nation aspired to move beyond to recognize we need each other and we're our greatest hopes. an old african saying, if you want to go fast, goou want to go far, go with another. >> stephen: where is the love in the senate? who can you share your love with? of the people running for president now. there are some senators running for pt. senator sanders, senator cruz.nators actually not running for president right now. (laughter) >> stephen: some people say donald trump keeps accusing tedbody who will work with him. have you worked with ted cruz? >> yes, we introduced and passed legislation together. went down there not to beocratic senator but i represent eeverybody. i got great advice from a former senator bill bradley.
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take time to get to know them and sit with them. a lot of the republican senators showed me extraordinary kindness and sat and worked with me.work with people based on we can find common ground. people would go past our dinner table, do a double take and say this is the presidential ticket would look at them and say no way. (laughter) but through that conversation, we said let's find something we can work onissues we agree on. we passed a piece of legislation together last year and i'm very proud of that. >> stephen: let's talk about what is going to be, for know, the hope of love, there is going to be a battle royal over whether or not barack obama can reasonablye to replace justice scalia in the last year of his term.phen: mitch mcconnell, leader of the republicans in the
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now because the republicans in majority said can't do it, itress precedent. what do you think? >> what you said in the beginning of the show about justice scalia, the power of, people underestimate that. we are here because of a conspiracy of love. we have a great man theory, where great mengeorge washington, martin luther king, and led us to a better country. but that's not the truth of our history. it's extraordinary americansy acts of kindness of service and love, people leaving their homes to do goodness and kindness. i don't think you share of jurisprudence as scalia, but you saw the i'm sheer because my father born in jim crow, north carolina, to
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could cannent afford the other two letters -- hi take care of him. so the small acts of kindness of people in the town who took him in, put a roof over his head, he had no history of kindness, but did small things, church collection to help him go to college. what's the r.o.i. on kindness but it reverberates in the i know we get caught up in the political battle of the day, but far more and kindness and mercy we do every day. the biggest thing we can do any day is often a small act ofi meet people like that on the campaign trial who come up and talk to me about their overcoming addiction. they talk about being homelessies of personal trials always seem to be laced with their desire to help other people. we have a broken criminal justice system.
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to help other people, help me on this. >> okay. >> stephen: do you think obama can nominate somebody for the supreme court? just answer that ques >> i will answer the question. i know you're trying to get to the -- >> stephen: i just want a yes or no. >> so people -- (laughter) >> stephen: i mean, that wasas beautiful. i loved every minute of it, but let's be serious. (laughter) >> you sound like my lasts get to the point. >> stephen: uh-huh, so? o as i read the constitution, it clearly says, we have an obligation, the president has anon to fill the vacancy, to allow the seat to remain vacant for a year with all the consequentialrough now would be unacceptable. >> stephen: it would be 4-4 ties and a year of 4-4 4 ties andto do a coin toss or something like that. >> you have a great sister who
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ties are like kissing your know -- >> stephen: i don't know anything about what you're talking about. (laughter) >> we need to aspire in our it's about the supreme court or whatever, to evidence the best of who we are, and it's not always winning or beating down somebody, it's about elevating others,. >> stephen: and being united. yes, it is. >> stephen: cory booker, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> .>> stephen: "united" hits the shelves senator booker.
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plause) >> stephen: eke welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the world darts champion. please welcome scott waites! >> stephen: how does one become a world darts say who is the world darts champion?
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in the moste year. you have a choice, playing the world championship and best -- catch all that but practicing helps a lot. is there an organization? who certifies you as a the best? the british dart organization. >> stephen: they have the world championship, not just print. >> yes. basically the world championshiphe world, everybody has a chance to participate in the world championship. >> stephen: what other countries are big besides possibly the biggest country is holland. >> hole. >> holland. >> stephen: really,america but they play a lot of soft tip. >> stephen: what is soft tip
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who came up with the idea of throwing bits of sharp metal when there is a lot ofghter) do you know the history? >> there was a guy in england called robin hood. >> stephen: oh, sure!idn't have mig to throw his arrows at and went into the pub and threw his arrows stephen: in america we would call that primo (bleep). (applause) millions of people watch theship, right? >> yes. >> stephen: how cothey fit in the pub? >> well -- >> stephen: is it broadcast? it's broadcast all over england, and over the world. we play in country clubs that can hold 2,000 people. >> stephen: wow. o all these people can
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>> you're allowed to drink behind the scenes but not in front of the ca: you can have a few pints before you go out? >> if you're inclined. >> stephen: how many do you have before a game. >> is this three, four, five,ter) >> stephen: do you want to have a go at it? >> yes. >> stephen: let's have a little competition here. >> okay. >> stephen: now, this is your music that you enter to. >> stephen: what's it called? chelsea dugger. >> stephen: you sit over here and this is your board, this is my board. to me win i will be joined by former british person craig ferguson. craig, would you please comeapplause) craig, thank you so much. so you and i will throw two darts for every single one of yours and we'll go around the clock.t, you go statement.
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>> stephen: from one to 20. and start! three! >> stephen: i nearly got a dart in my head then, ferguson! here we go. >> hey, hey!e! >> (laughter) >> stephen: he's smoking us! this is four. seven. >> what are you at seven? seven. oh, (bleep)! (bleep)! yeah! >> stephen: you're all set! you're all set! >> keep going, keep going. you take three. >> all right, great.
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>> 14! 6! >> stephen: 7. 7 down in the corner. >> 7!tephen: go for 8. i don't know where it is. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: let's try to beat him to 20. >> is he still going? i thought he already won!n: that's 20. scott waites, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! ampion scott waites! we'll be right back!

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