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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 16, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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>> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you deserve it! you deserve it! thank you. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!
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stephen! stephen! >> stephen: jon, how are you? good to see you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you very much. thanks so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody. hey! hey! i'm stephen colbert. thank you for being here. i'm throwing hand towels to all these people here because they are soaked to the bone. greatest audience in the world, stayed outside for hours in the pouring rain. it is absolutely coming down in sheets. ( cheers and applause ) listen to that!
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>> stephen: i mean, it was raining really hard. we let these people in two by two. that's how much it was raining outside. ( laughter ) like that? like that? >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, i don't know if you're aware of this, but donald trump... ( laughter ) yeah, still. he's running for president on the platform of opening his mouth and saying things. frequently emerges from the trump hole is... ( laughter ) , is the naughty language, the vulgarity, the devil's sal teen.ing. as we approach primary day in my home state of south cackalack.
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off the swearing because valueike the salty talk if you do the salty tack,ou'll be darned to heck where you burn in a lake of boiling shoot and have flaming hot pokers shoved up your (whistle).ther fudger. but i've got to say, i'm not sure the man can stop 3 why would he stop now? it seems natural to him.i'd love to have trump on to hear about it from the man himself, but he's down in south carolina campaigning. though he does phone in to a lot of the shows, where they justf him while he talks to the show. so i hereby challenge thoim call my show.ump phone! bring it out. thank you. thank you.
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here it is.ld, the trump phone. ( laughter ) donald, call me on this phone.ed just to you. and to show that i'm serious, i will am willing to split the charges.mocratic side, hillary clinton and bernie sanders-- >> trump-trump. trump-trump. trump-trump. hello?his? hello, stephen. ( cheers and applause )mp! okay, listen i'll got to make sure this is really you, not somebody abusing the trump phone.only donald trump would say. fired. >> stephen: i'm not sure you're the only one who would say that to me much. >> you're doing so well, that could never happen, stephen.
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that could never happen. >> stephen: don't make me.e ) don't make me love you, old man. let's get to the first question of any phonewhat are you wearing? >> i'm wearing a very beautiful plu suit a poor tie. >> stephen: i'm wearing a unitard and silver tiara just to >> that's good. >> stephen: how do you like south carolina. the best people ever, right? >> i love it. it's a great place. and i've been here many times, as you know. but it's a great place, and of a very, very strong primary season. new hampshire was terrific. and this saturday, they get out and vote, and hopefully they'll be voting for trump, and we're going to make america great >> stephen: this is definitely donald trump. all right. ( applause ) let's talk about what experts are calling your potty mouth. i can think off the top of myhat you have said on air that-- this is true-- cbs will not let me
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bleep them. how are you going to stop? >> well, it's easy. stop. i mean, i do that for emphasis and i do that sometimes non-politically, and once i decided to run for office, i sort of said, well,ave to stop. >> stephen: but you didn't stop. you didn't stop. running for office, you didn't stop. >> no, but these are very minorcases i actually bleepped them out myself. i never said the word, and then they'll bleep it and people will think i said the word which is a little deceptive, but that'slaughter ). >> stephen: i've got a suggestion. why don't you have a swear jar, and every time you say a bad worked you put $1 >> that's a great idea. i'm going to do that. i like that. >> stephen: let's talk about if you were elected, if it was the last year ofyou had a advocacy to fill on the supreme court would you to do it? >> well, the senate really has no right to do that.
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that may be. i guess i'd put in a name. but the senate really does, especially for the fairly short period of time, they have a right not to do it, not to vote on it, not to approve you would let someone tell you what to do. this is sounding less like donald trump every-- ( laughs ). >> no, i'd push. the president, i would be pushing. whether i was republican or democrat, i'd be pushing. but the senate does have a lot of power over that. they have the right to do it-- they have a pretty daunting so it should not happen. it should be whoever the next president is should be the one that picks the next supreme court justice. >> stephen: you're down in south carolina trying courtng ) you're not making any friends here, donald. i hate to say. ( laughter ) you're down in south carolina. i'm from south carolina. out here. let's hear you say, "please vote for me, y'all." >> well, i can say that. please vote for me, y'all.pplause ). >> stephen: very convincing.
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well, i know you're a busy man. i'll let you go get your pantsh for calling us. >> thank you, thank you very much. >> stephen: donald trump, everybody, on the trump pope. >> thank you very much. thank you. ( applause ) >> stephen:now-- now, together let's make this show great again.that? fairly long? okay. i think that was him. i'm not sure.tting down with the star of nbc's "telenovela," eva longoria. ( cheers and applause )a." "telenova." "telenovela" is about a spanish language soap opera. could i be pregnant with her baby? tune in to find out.g to the
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jacobson and ilana glazer. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. yeah! known by their celebrity couple name, abbl-ana gla-cob-zer. then we'll have a performancer-songwriter lucinda williams. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) is there that right there, that beautiful i love hearing every night, that is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and ) i didn't know the camera was on me they're about to make this show glow, but before they do, one more thing:lion dollars of liquid methamphetamines were found being smuggled in ladies' undergarments.
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"breaking bra." >> tonight, stephen welcomes eva longoria. ana glazer. and a musical performance by lucinda williams. featuring jon batiste and stay human. it's time for "the late
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much. ( applause ) excuse me. please, sit down,m using this because-- and this is true-- i was told by my wardrobe mitt resto de-trumpsome of the trump phone got on me and i think i breathed it in. hey, you guys watch the grammys last night? >> jking it out. >> stephen: i don't want to brag here but it is the truth. i was on the grammys last night friends in the cast of "hamilton," which at this point is the only way to get tickets to "hamilton." but congrats to them on their win, as well as friend of theho swept the rap categories. and congrats also to my soon-to-be friend taylor swift on her second album of the year win.at the ceremonies last night with one big exception.
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boycott the grammy awards unless he won album of the year, despite not being nominated. for album of the year.applause ) same reason he refuses to attend the westminster dog show. but look at that silky coat.t kanye's absence was felt, because the actual album of the year winnerd some harsh words for yeezy afterhe rapped in his new song "famous." " i feel like me and taylor. why? i made that "b" famous." kanye, i have a feeling the odds of you having sex with taylor swift are about the same as winning a grammy you weren't nominated for. handsome couple,y-tay made that clear in her acceptance speech. >> there are going to be people along the way who will try to
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or your fame. you will look around, and you will know that it was you ando put you there. >> stephen: notice that she didn't mention kanye by name because, like candyman, if youd on a stage, he will suddenly appear and kill your joy. ( applause ) ( cheers )e's got bigger problems than grammys he wasn't nominated for because the rapper/mogul/visionary toddler ( laughter )nnounce to his followers, "i write this to you, my brothers, while still $53 million in personal debt. yes, yeezy owes fifty-threezy million deezies. but he shall overcome.t was martin luther king who said, "please give me $53 million."se ) just as true today.
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everything back on track,t he was $53 million in debt, he tweeted, "mark zuckerberg invest $1 billion into kanye west ideas." brilliant!of a better way to reach out to the founder of facebook than the one place he's sure to look. twitter.se ) ( cheers ) yeah. makes sense.ept going from there, with kanye pleading, "i don't have enough resources to create what i really can." "mark, i am publicly asking you for help,"age, see? kanye's not proud. he'll accept a billion dollars from anyone.plan for the cash. he tweeted out this-- do i have it here? yes. this
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donda, to show exactly where that billion dollars is going. and it's as ambitious as it is like "home," which promises visionary hovercrafts, and something called a "7-screen movie" experience, which will finally allow me to watch all seven "fast and furious" movies at the samen't hurt the plot. doesn't-- whoa. yeah! and up with a tech breakthrough the world can't wait for: i actually need this. long-ime fans of my face know i wear glasses, and the worse myder it is to tell those little emojis apart.
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is true-- whenever someoneews, instead of sending the crying emoji, i would accidentally send the "laughing so hard that i'm crying" emoji. this ishappened. until it was pointed out to me what i was doing. so i just want to take a second to say to any of my friends whose pets died or who are going through a divorce, your tragedy is not hilarious to me. and i love this org chart. it's like an eight-year-old imagining their dream treehouse. kanye couldn't fit. invisible unicycles? sharks that play basketball? he gave us a clue on twitter when he said "ima fix wolves."er ) ( applause ) now, this might be about his newe can't rule out that he's actually upgrading wolves, possibly by giving them wings and a diamond-encrusted
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this a reality. and you tech billionaires have made fortunes off ideas that kanye west could have thought of eventually.ou know kanye would've come up with tesla. it's right there on the org chart. "cars." boom.es, it's time to do what's right for the little guy. after all, as kanye actual he "you'd rather open up one school in africa like you really helped the country." "if you want to help, help me." so let's stop selfishly helping the country of africa and start helping kanye west.on't, you're not going to get one of his cool new wolves. we'll be right back with eva longoria.
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nd applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an actor, producer, and political activist who is currently starring in the comedy series "telenovela".
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>> he's so young and i always thought his father would do it. >> his dad is in prison soows what else the sex talk will include at this point? i can help. i was a peer counselor in high school. "b" is for "c" is for... is there please welcome eva longoria. and applause )ovely. >> hi! they're amazing! >> stephen: aren't they an >> i know! >> stephen: what an incredible audience. people love eva longoria. >> no, this is just an amazing crowd. they were cheering for, like, ing earlier.
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for hand towels earlier. they're hoping they can dry off on your dress. first of all,understand you just got engaged. >> di! i got engaged. >> stephen: that's lovely. is that the-- is that the ring? >> this is it. >> stephen: that's awesome.>> stephen: that's awesome. and you even have a photo of it like everybody has to now. you have a wonderful photograph of-- are you in the desert? >> i know! we're inthe dubai desert. it was fun. >> stephen: what did you do? >> got engaged in dubai.se there's no connection with me and dubai. so he surprised me. >> stephen: you know, you actually are pretty big on you have taken to social media many times to put aside the persistent rumors that you are pregnant. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: anything you would like to tell us tonight? >> i ate a's always like --
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>> it's always after i eat a big stephen: and people think it's a baby bump. >> i love social media. before-- i'm 40 so, like, back in the day, when we didn't have it, you really couldn't rebuke you couldn't speak for yourself. >> stephen: but not as many people could attack you at once. >> this is true, by the way. yes! that's the saddest part is it's got tone a negative place. if anybodyhing negative of me, you're blocked. i mute you. you're erased from my world. >> stephen: have you ever asked anyone for $1 billio now. that's a thing now. >> i know. you can ask for money. no, i have not. >> stephen: i understand that you and your loved one-- what's his name. >> pepe. have a very competitive valentine's day. >> oh, yes, yes.uples war. >> stephen: what is that-- >> it's a war of couples. >> stephen: like, "i love you more!" >> no, no, we do games for points.
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we have, like, the newand we have sports category where you have to play some sports. then we have minute to win it games, which are these stupid,es gli don't love my wife enough. i didn't realize you could turn it into a contest. >> i said we are hosting. we shouldn't win. so distasteful. and we got last place. i was like i don't want to get last. >> stephen: "telenova" is coming up on its final episode of the monday. the season finale. it went so fast. >> stephen: it's about a spanish language soap opera but it itself is not spanirish. >> stephen: is it a tele-commedia. who to you play? >> it's like "30 rock" or one of those shows, where it's behind scenes of a soap opera. i play a star of the spanish: i would hope so. >> who doesn't speak spanish. >> stephen: she doesn't speak spanish? >> no.
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pretend she can speake has the thing in her ear. >> stephen: literally people are saying. >> and she repeat it. she doesn't know what she's saying. >> stephen: do you speaki didn't eye grew up in texas. >> stephen: yes. >> oooh! texas! is there you have said this your family is more american than >> i'm ninth generation american. >> stephen: so nine generations in the united states. ( applause ). >> yeah. >> stephen: wow. >> yes!your family lived in texas? >> nine generations? ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'll do the math. we don't have a lot of time. >> 1603. >> stephen: 1603. was the spanish land grant and my family lived under five different flags without moving. we didn't cross the border. the border crossed us.pplause ). >> stephen: that's hoot. that's hot. is that written on something? >> it is! >> stephen: you have to put that, like oa plaque in your house or something. that's really nice. >> texas is a specialphen: yeah, it is. yes.
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that really sounds only like half a compliment. you're a really special person. well, listen, can you stick around? i want to talk a little more. >> i will. >> stephen: we'll come right back with more eva longoria.applause ) now the #1 selling brand for frequent heartburn.n with the new leader in frequent heartburn. that's nexium level protection. people know how to make an entrance. der pressure. to reject the status quo. no problem passing the competition. the aggressive new 2016 lexus gs 350 and 200 turbo.riven,
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i'm here with the lovely eva longoria. now, eve annot only "telenova"which, again its final episode is coming up this week. >> monday. >> stephen: monday. and it's about a spanish soap an actress in a spanish soap opera but you were an actress on a soap opera. >> yes, i was on "the young & thetephen: i gotta have my stories. >> that's what my mom says.
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think the dialogue on those soap shows-- >> on soaps. >> stephen: on sops. they're so over thene would be that catty, that bitchy with each other. >> except the primary s. >> stephen: this year theoth sides are scratching each otheree eyes out, get me a saucer of milk. we looked at last saturday's of inspired. we went and looked at some of the debates and we put together dialogue from the debates spp and we would-- you and i, could we act it out. >> yeah! fun! >> stephen: i want to remind everybody out there, we did note about to hear. these are transcripts of actually things that were said between people-- adults-- who
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here we go. ( laughter ) guy's lied-- let me just tell you, this guy lied. he's a nasty guy. >> when you point to donald'screams, "liar, liar, liar." ( laughter ) ( applause ) lot of lies. ( laughter ) ted will say anything to get a vote.w how he knows what i said on univision because he doesn't speak spanish. >> marco, si quieres diseloen espanol, si quieres? si quieres? ( laughter )ther woman in this
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time with my husband.has spent her entire life on a quest for power, and she has avoided prosecution more times than el chapo. ( laughter ) ( applause ) e of "telenovela" airs monday, february 22, at 8:30 on nbc. eva longoria, everybody!
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e ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guests are the hilariousw "broad city," which premieres its third season tomorrow night on comedy central. ( cheers and applause ) >> new york is europe. i love it. every time i walk town the street i'm like do german. >> yak! >> australian. >> aye. >> >> are you kidding? no.
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>> i'm sorry. abbi jacobson and ilana glazer, ladies and gentlemen. thanks so much for being here. >> what a pleasure. >> thanks for having : congratulations ogz the premiere tomorrow night on season three and for being picked up for seasons four and five. that is great news. >> thank you.he characters you play on the show are real slackers but you're not. you're executive producers. >> yeah, baby. >> stephen: are you anythingything like your characters if you didn't have to work all the time? >> yeah. i feel like on the weekends, we're more like our characters. >> yeah, we put a hoodo stephen: that's it? that's character change? >> that's it. no, yeah. >> stephen: you can't possibly smoke one-fifth the weed that your characters do, though. ( laughter )anything. >> yeah, that's true. we smoke less than on the show. but we do-- ( laughter ) we smoke, though. >> stephen: by which you mean
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by which all. >> none at all, children. >> stephen: we have a fairly large preteeny which we mean none at all. >> stephen: you play play ilana glazer, and you are named ilana when you are out on the streets, are you mistaken for your charactering? i have some idea what that is like. do people mistake you? >> all the what do they expect from you that you're never going to be like? >> they want to get high right there, right then. us. >> it's, no, no, no. that's frightening. i'm going to freak out and leave. it's no, no, no. but us a little gift and walk away and it's the best.
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adults, we throw it right away. ( laughter ). >> throw it right away. >> stephen: youifies actually-- this is something of sort of a culturalre both appearing in the latest issue of "playboy." but here's the thing is you're in the latest issue of "playboy" but the two of you are full lows. >> stephen: as a matter of fact, this is the first issue of "playboy" that has no nudity in it. did you feel cheated-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: at least of the opportunity to go, "how dare you!" >> yeah, i had a conversation with my father. >> stephen: about being inyeah. he said, "someone they work with told me you're in 'playb yes, dad, i am. and then i said it's not nude, first thing.
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( laughter ) go with that "weirdly" part. >> yeah, right. >> stephen: here's the thing that might be a secret to you guys. i am slight lie older than you are. >> e bit, a little bit. >> stephen: just slightly older than you are combined, which is why i love your shown learn about what's hip, happening, brooklyn trends and stuff like that.could tell me what's hot on the scene. >> one thing right off the pat it's really cool today to not ask "what's hot on the scene?( applause ) >> stephen: what else? what else is going on out else? well, have you heard about rainbow bagels? >> stephen: i have not, have you.ow-colored bagels they make at this
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the bakery posted a video and through up on social media. we call that you should do it phonetically. so it blew up on soc-med. just in case you asked us, days?" we brought you a clip. >> stephen: oh, great. jim, let's take a look. is that it? >> yup. them. >> that's food!food looks like now. >> stephen: i would not have guessed that. >> stephen: everyone in brooklyn is eating these? >> only the cool people.rstand these are them. >> we brought you some to try. are they good? it's an actual one. ( laughter ) lip gloss. >> stephen: what? >> do you wear lip gloss?
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like dunking a bagel in a vat of lip gloss. >> stephen: but it is edible. i can eat one? >> take a bite. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: whoa! is amazing! where are we? >> it's happy bagel place! >> stephen: oh! >> stephen, just listen to the happy bagel babies sing! the happy bagel babies of happy bagel place we love to sing and dance and put a smile on your face we're happy bagel babies and there's nothing wrong there's nothing insidious >> yeah! >> stephen: oh! that is so sweet! >> shut up, stephen!ond part. we cannot read and we cannot meet in groups the bagel king fears
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slay the demon father we will be your baby wives and you will never die >> yeah! >> stephen: okay! ( cheers and applause ) okay.t. that was great. thank you so much. this has been fun. i enjoyed it here, but i think i'm ready to head back now. >> no, stephen, you can't leave. why? i don't understand. >> you're the only one with the power to slay the bagel king. >> slay him! slay him! >> do it, do it! >> stephen: i'm just going to grab an uber. i have to get out of here! >> oh, no! the bagel king! my slumber? the bagel babies will pay for this! >> come ostephen! oh, my gosh! >> no! no! stephen: none of this is
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>> get him! get him!olbert! >> this is happening! ( laughter ) this is happening. >> stephen: it didn't make the sound the first time! it didn't make the sound the first time. a second for it to work! oevment! >> stephen: what do i do!he bagel babies will die in the cream cheese mines. >> you're the only one with the power to stop it. >> come on, stephen!en: but i don't have any power. >> stephen, the power you're looking for has been inside of you this whole time! >> stephen: inside me? you mean my courage. >> no.u can shoot lasers out of your belly button. >> stephen: really? >> come on, stephen! come on! ( cheers and applause ) >> aahhhhhhhhh! i'm dead! >> stephen: yeah!
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it worked!n: that was intense! ( laughter ) but i can't get the taste of those bagels out of my mouth. when does this end? stephen, it every ends. we're the happy bagel babies of happy bagel place we love to sing and dance and put a smile on your face stephen: "broad city," season 3, premieres tomorrow night at 10 p.m. on comedy central. abbi jacobson and ilana glazer, everybody! we'll be right back. fe's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that
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someone like me. but only if you have a brain. s a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car.this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small. are
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ohh ah ah aflac! ta-daa! he's not a very good magician. he paid my claim in just one day. one day?! how does he do it? t in just one day, p we process, approve and pay. p
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song, "dn, please welcome
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a sadness so deep the sun seems blacke to try to keep the tears backve to try to keep the tears back't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted toif you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted tos are dust
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even your thoughts are dustoughts are dust so you stare at the ceiling and wish the world would mendsome better feeling to no good endme better feeling to no goodughts are dust
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even your thoughts are dusthoughts are dust ep the sun seems black and you don't have to tryeep the tears back
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to keep the tears back couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted toif you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted toare dust even your thoughts are dustdust even your thoughts are dusts are dust even your thoughts are dust
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even your thoughts are dust ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you!her album, "the ghosts of highway 20," is out now. lucinda williams, everybody!
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for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be kate hudson, richard dreyfuss, governor john kasich, and a musical performance by courtney barnett. corden. >> yeah, it worked! stephen is our new king.we're the happy bagel babies we love to sing and dance and put a smile on your face we're happy bagel babies andr king he'll rule

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