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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 25, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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>> stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hello, people! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." thank you so much, everybody! (cheers and applause);or
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(crowd chanting stephen) thank you up there, down there! all of you watching the tv! thank you so much. welcome to "the late show," everybody! i'm stephen colbert. sounds like you people could clap like that all night! (cheers and applause) is everybody excited for the oscars this weekend? you guys going to watch it? (cheers and applause) i think some just screamed no. i'm not sure what happened. eastern, which means the pre-show began an hour ago. and i am pumped. i love having an oscar viewing party every year. i serve the leftover chili from my super bowl party and the candy from my valentine's trick or treating. no one expects that. (laughter) and i know a lot of people have oscar parties, so i thought i would share some tips on how to make yours great.
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people love tips. here's the first tip. first, don't make the same mistakes the academy did. be sure you have a diverse guest list. (applause) >> jon: yeah, you've got to have some diversity. >> stephen: do what you can. >> jon: got to have it. >> stephen: if all your friends are white, you are a racist. fix that by sunday. (cheers and applause) also, start your party early. watching the red carpet is half the fun, and you do not want to miss out when bryan cranston flashes some side-boob. (applause) tasteful, but racy. if you are in the movie business but were snubbed by the oscars, don't worry, you've still got two days to make the "in memoriam" reel. how bad do you want it? (applause) how bad do you want it? (audience reacts) (laughter)
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your oscars: live tweeting. everybody does it now, but if you're on the iphone the whole time, you won't get to enjoy the ceremony. easy solution: just write your live tweets ahead of time! you can predict what is going to happen. i'm doing mine right now. just to get them out of the way. okay, here we go. number bun.umber one. "spotted on red carpet: cumberbatch in a cumberbund. that's a doublecumber! #cumberblessed." (laughter) "it's been two hours and we haven't seen the accountants yet! show us the accountants! #ernstandyum!"r) "ouch!
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all-white remake of 'amistad'!scarbuzz." (laughter) oh, oh -- ( band playing ) ing me off. i just want to thank my guests tonight, from "madam secretary," (cheers and applause) tim, i love you.c legend graham nash! thank you for being there tonight and every night. (cheers and applause)so want to thank grammy award winner jason isbell, who's doing a performance! you're my rock. (cheers and applause) i also want to thank the band for playing me off!ste and stay human! (cheers and applause) to get political, but it is time to allow snowglobes on airplanes. (cheers and applause)
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stephen welcomes timr daly!ih! and a musical performance by jason_ isbell!aturing jon batiste and "stay human"!it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) h, hey! hey!
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thank you so much, everybody!heers and applause)xd thankh2=u1ou, band! thanks,xd everybody in here, out there! thank you, mark! thanks, everybody! you know, if i'm not mistaken, thisi is our 100th show,s and applause) 100 shows tonight. i want to thank everybody on the staff, i want to thank the band for being here. i want to thank the audience, everybody who works sohow every night. even after all this time, it is hard, some nights, to decide what i should talk about. should i talk about the fight over the supreme court vacancy or the birth of the boston zoo's new baby goat? oh, my god, he is adorable. (laughter)mination. (laughter) have to decide what to cover because,
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total editorial control to the...nce: wheel! of! news!here's how this works. we have installed a giant spinning wheel on the ceiling of the ed sullivan theater with categories like "entertainment," "politics," "sports", "potpourri." actual physical wheel bolted to the ceiling weighing 17,000 pounds. it could snap off at any second balcony-- that is why the tickets are free. (cheers and applause)ll make it into the in me more yum reel. wheel spins, then i talk about
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long time "wheel of news" time we spun this thing there was a slight problem in that i did not give my team enough time to work on it.n, come out from under my desk and spin a smaller wheel.s, this week, i was generous and gave my team barely enough time to make the spinning wheel. so let's news it.) ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "product recall!" to feign interest in the subject quick than that. (laughter) earlier this week, the mars corporation issued a recall in 55 countries when it wasin germany found red plastic in her snickers bar. just like the slogan: "hungry? why wait?" because you could choke on shards of plastic. (laughter) left the woman feeling a combination of "hungry" and "angry" that
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"litigious." (laughter) pop a wheelie! ) ( cheers and applause ) "politics!" (cheers and applause)ll street journal," donald trump's campaign might be destroying marriages, which is shocking. up till now, all trump wasblican party. (cheers and applause) apparently, trump has been argue until they're orange in the face. (laughter)le disagrees so strongly that they've instituted a rule: when trump comes on the tv, they switch to the national because, when you're married, turning off the tv is not an option. (laughter) let's spin! ( wheel clicking )e ) 5000!
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i can't wait to find out of what. spin city! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "a recent study!" (cheers and applause) according to a recent study, both men and women agree that,one person, ten is the ideal number of lovers to have, and it should take at least six nights to get there. (laughter)e poll found that those who have had more than ten sexual partners were considered to be promiscuous, while having less than ten would be considered "sexually inexperienced." ten makes you inexperienced and more than ten makes you promiscuous. i guess that means that i am... moving on.plause) ( wheel clicking ) "clip without context!"
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jim? (laughter) >> stephen: more than ten lovers! to the spin zone! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "buy a vowel!" hmmm... (ding)... the "lake show?" (buzzer) oh, shoot, what did i wager? damn it! next subject.ght" losing. sound ) okay, next topic. ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause )
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(drum solo)d applause) ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "mars!"plause) you're getting tired. (laughter) nasa researchers are working on a new propulsion system that would allow a spacecraft towhich means future astronauts won't have to waste all that time in transit before dying alone on mars. (cheers and applause) whoo!clicking ) "where's brendan?" (cheers and applause) great question, wheel. say hi to brendan, everyone! he's right here! you okay? >> yeah. >> stephen: that took a little while for you to get up here. a little cramped down there? needles. >> stephen: any feelings in your legs? >> no. >> stephen: i need you to get
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say goodbye to brendan, (cheers and applause) here we go! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) another "recent study!"plause) a recent study from the university of konstanz in germany found that eating in the dark can help you lose weight. makes is no way to tell whether you are eating a pint of ice cream or a salad. no whammies! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "tennis balls!"heers and applause)
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here we go! "sports!"and applause) america's pastime! other than tonight's sport: soccer. fifa, the international soccerion, is ready to elect a new president. last year, a corruption scandal ended the career of former fifaintestinal disorder, sepp blatter. (laughter) unusual name until you find out that "sepp" with two ps is actually short for seppp with three ps. (laughter)l be a tough name to lose, but, fortunately, two of the candidates to replace him are named jerome (laughter) (applause) real human names and things
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machines in japan. (laughter) personally, it takes me a couple'm ready for the tokyo sexwale. (laughter) (applause) fewer than ten! (laughter) so these are the guys to beat, but i've got my eye on somefifa candidates: okinawa humpdolphin, fluppp bowelsore, johnny t. chandelier, gogurt montoya, kruss snackwagon, admiral flintstone jetson, the cincinnatti hangman., montgomery no-scruples, swipe bribetaker and the amazing corrupto. (cheers and applause) wheel me!ng )
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commercial break! (cheers and applause)tim daly. stick around! let's do it! (cheers and applause) your pants. thanks. these pants are really speaking to me. can i look at the back? ooooooooooooooh! what you have back there? give me your pants. you should go to old navy. all pants are on sale up to 40% off. ahhhhhh! you guys! those pants! s bold. now, a bull rider on a plane... bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder
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...a butterfinger bar... all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey!is mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... ...bolder than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold.chety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger. shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place,g for 60 months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape... and expedition...financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best selling brand. 0% financing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back.ys a professor, a father and the husband to the secretary of state on the hit cbs show "madam secretary." >> how is she? the woman i was helping. she was wearing an orange dress. >> do you have any nausea? no, i'm fine. i need to call my wife. >> he's positive --ng) >> how long were you in there. seven, ten minutes.obable exposure! give me the phone now! wait a minute, sir! tim
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(cheers and applause) en: now, what is is this? you brought a prop? >> i come bearing gifts. i understand it's your hundredthen: it is our hundredth show! (cheers and applause) >> a little token. >> stephen: it's not going to have ad snake, is it? >> no. it's a rubrics cube of me. >> stephen: a tim daly rubrics cube? >> yeah.e it came from. it's a me cube. >> stephen: all right. if you will look closely, there is one panel that's ericbit of brat pack in there. >> stephen: is this on different days you can go, i'm really feeling more like this today? stephen: it's not i'm feeling myself today. that's really how i feel. >> now, see, that is a complex emotion right there being
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you can represent this kind of complex emotion. >> don't ask me to do it now. >> stephen: but you're from a family of actors.>> stephen: your father was on medical center. >> yes. >> stephen: and your sister is tyne daly which everybody loves.ided to do something other than being an actor would your family have gone with that? >> i don't think so. there is a school of thought that says it's asease that's passed through the generations. >> stephen: an addiction.n actor, both my children are actors. so i wasn't encouraged. it's an odd thing. it's like growing up in a strange cult. what i remember most about it iscond or third grade play the other kids would be surrounded by their parents and grandparents and everybody would be saying, oh, you were the best one, you were and i would get notes, literally, like, okay, so, if
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poppyx$$*qq" cakes till you cross to the tree, i think you will get a{_ laugh. (laughter)it was work. youngest in the family? >> i am the youngest. >> stephen: that's another reason to be a performer because you already had an audience. although, i have to say, i have three sisters and they're all quite a bit older than i am, so i was more like a laboratory test animal.hey would dress you up and that sort of thing? >> dress me up, paint me. one particular story they thought was hilarious, my father himself a farmer and we had sheep and tha one lamb had projectilei (audience reacts) i know, bad story. they sent me to feed it and i came back covered in poop, which they thought was hilarious. >> stephen: mary had a littlet snowy white... >> yes, mary had a little brown lamb and it was me.
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other skills than actingi because dropped them in a different culture, people would go cannibal on them because they have nothing to offer, like me, i have nothing to offer. real-world skills? >> i used to have some. i went to college for about nine days -- >> stephen: finished that fast, eh? >> yeah, office quit, i wasn't quite ready to. go then i went through a law collar period where i learned various things. i learned carpentry. i met a friend in mexicoed himself el primo. describing the stuff he was trying to sell you snonchts, i don't think so. although, he sold floor tile, and i think he had a deal with the border guards because he amount of floor tile and we started a tile company that we called the silver dollar tile company. >> stephen: really? yes! and we had,
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los angeles in my father's garage and we would put down these tile floors and put a silver dollar in the corner of down and we used up all the tile and went away. >> stephen: what did you do with the money you made frome? >> we bought{_ el primo. (laughter) >> stephen: i wouldn't with surprised if ele house and ground it up and sold it on the street. >> who knows what was with the border guards and what was coming over in the floor tiles,>> stephen: national security. mm-hmm. >> stephen: "madam secretary." mm-hmm. >> stephen: you a leoni who plays secretary of state and you have an unusual role on television, you are married to a powerful woman and you yourself are not a jerk or a basket case. >> stephen: why do you think that'sr{_ so unusual to play a capable man married to a powerful woman?
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i think there is a tradition inch starts with the honeymooners of an incompetent boob who is a wild dreamer who has a hot and down-to-earth wife who and gets him through the day, and a lot of men come up to me and says, thank god you're playing a guye leaves the house, nothing collapses. >> stephen: are you competent in real life when you're bye of the kids? >> i'm very competent. >> stephen: really? i've reached a level of mediocrity in so many things that i'm able to function quite stephen: not so bad, really! (applause) >> yeah! >> stephen: some days are like this, some days are like this. i'm happy with that. madeline albright, actual secretary of state was on the show.
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>> she's actually -- i refer to h her as my white housener girlfriend because i met her at a very heavy table with colin powell and and captain{_ phillips who was captured by the somali stephen: tom hanks? no. >> stephen: sure? pretty sure. madeline and i hit it off. >> stephen: you sure did. i didn't go to we met and she said, pete andxd violet on private practice what are they doing? i said, wait a minute, you're crises every day and you watch private practice and know my character's names? everybody has their shows. >> stephen: yeah. how many,i x partners have you had?plause) we're doing a survey.
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more than ten, less than ten or goldilocks? >> stephen: you're a perfect man! "madam secretary" airs sunday at 8:00 on cbs! thanks, everybody! (cheers and applause)xd way?nexium 24hr, now the #1 selling brand for frequent heartburn. get complete protection that's nexium level protection. man, i might just chill tonight.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. we can. back, once again, ladies andow, i am always looking to
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cbs.e tiffany network named they have even offered to let me decide where the next "n.c.i.s."ich rapper will star in it. i'm thinking "n.c.i.s. fort wayne," starring lil wayne. and one of the perks is that we have access to an archive of cbs entertainment going back over 80 years.e-watching "face the nation" from the beginning. i can't wait to find out how the vietnam war ends! no spoilers!e want, we can just dip into that archive for some free content. so it's time for another trip into the cbs vault.u cbs sports from 1979. (cheers and applause)rumpets blowing)
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here at chamberlain downs! march 28th, 1979, a day where certainly nothing could go wrong! the skies are blue and the crisp air smells delightfully of horse! the contenders have taken their position at the starting gates, and they're off! missus jumps to an early lead followed by you old devil, cantankerous jones and grandpa's weeping war wounds. outside nixonnd as fast as a car and soon to be dog food! what! can't be! there has been a massive accident at the 3-mile island nuclear facility just outside of harrisburg, pennsylvania, a complete nuclear god! and around the turn it's in allentown but don't count out
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my debt wife and dr. horsee! i'm being told the fallout will reach us in new york city within the hour! millions of men, women and children tragicallyall of nuclear fire! we're all doomed is coming around the bend right now followed by chinese democracy, baby fnd disaster and key! this is how it ends, man destroyed by his own engines, mutated horses will shatteredatter all records. oh hue brings. motorcycle like the approaching tide of devastation, h he is unstoppable. motorcycle has won the final race of the before times! take him to the bunker! we must preserve this specimen so futuressue from his loins!
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above all else! nature'savior! our new god! we worship -- (trumpet sound) right
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hi, i'm captain obvious. p when i heard there was a racepfor president i decided to run. and i'll be running all over america. "captainobviousruns" r or don't. we live in a democracy. supported by bring that you didn't even move your hand?! it's all in the wrist schwartzy... alright, another game. alexa, what time is it? it's 5:43pm.eading at 6:00... alexa, how's the traffic? the fastest route is 45 minutes
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can we take the bike?! c'mon schwartzy! side-car.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is a rock and roll hall of famer who has been making music for over 50 years. please welcome graham nash! >> stephen: all right, let's get to the most -- >> wait. you have a very kind audience. >> stephen: very lovely people. very lovely.) >> i thought you'd introduced elvis or something. >> stephen: yeah, well, this is it. did you perform on this stage when this was the ed sullivany did, but i didn't, no.
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nash, that's not evenwhy is your name last? did you ever bring that up? >> actually, here's what ills and nash rolls off the tongue better than stills, nash crosby. stockholm syndrome. >> no, no, i've never been to stockholm so it can't be. >> stephen: don't have to. your first solo album in 15 "this path tonight" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and you have been a professional musician for 50 years.phen: when are you going to get a real job? >> i don't know. (laughter) i keep waiting for somebody to offer -- anybody got any job>> stephen: this is you, you grew up in black pool, right? >> manchester, i was born in black pool. >> stephen: this was you backheers and applause) were you a greaser? >> it was a teddy boy.
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oh, yeah, bad boys. stephen: okay! this is not as bad. who is this? (cheers and applause) what's going on with this? did you get accepted to hogwarts or something? photo? what band is this? >> this is a photographer who was a photographer at the top of the pot called harryoved the hollies. one day he wanted me to wear that and i did. i've done strange things (laughter) >> stephen: you were in thehe beetles. did you play the same gigs as them? >> many times. i first met the beatles on november 19 19 iney weren't even called the beatles. >> stephen: the corpsmen? no, after that, i think dogs. >> stephen: that's a great name! why did they drop that? (laughter)
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i've seen them since then. every girl, every kid knew thated at them, something special was about it. you know, there were four kids, and you couldn't get in that -- inside there. they took care of themselves andknew it. >> stephen: really? so they were a little island of themselves even in the music scene you were sharing? >> always. >> stephen: and, of course, this is your classic grahamre. there is your crosby, stills and nash. (applause) uh-huh. you how many sex partners you had -- (laughter) could we get a calculator, >> i think it's around 8,000. (laughter) >> stephen: and that was just when you played woodstock. that was just that >> you know, i had never been to woodstock till the cover of the album.
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you guys played yaskers fa away. >> yeah. that was the first time i was in woodstock. wood stock was the second gigyou believe that? >> stephen: you told me and i have no reason to doubt you. (laughter) one of my favorite songs of yours song before i go." my understanding is there's an interesting song about -- story and how you wrote the song ande from. >> i was in hawaii, two hours to kill before i went to los angeles to my home, and i was the house of a very low-level drug dealer, just heavy, right. >> stephen: not primo. right. (laughter) as i was leaving he said to me, you know, you're some kind of big shot, i bet you can't write a song just before you go.
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he said, i bet you can't write a song before you go. i said, how much? he said, 500 bucks. the 500 bucks. >> stephen: you still have the song. would you mind doing late built of it before we go?phen: there we go. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the new album is "this path tonight," comes outam nash, everybody! >> thanks, everyone! (cheers and applause)e i go to who it may concern ihe speed of sound it's easy to get burned ows were over we had to get back home
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i had to be alone she helps me with my suitcase before my eyes driving me to the airport into thees going through security i held her for so long she looked at me in love and she was gone ause) >> stephen: we'll be right
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a bull rider is bold. now, a bull rider on a plane... bolder than bold. and if hne... ...that's bolder than bolder than bold! and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar... all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's...r than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger. me off right here. oh no, i'll take you up to the front of the school. that's where your friends are. seriously, it's, it's really fine. you don't want to be seen with your dad? no, it' tracy. what! [ horn honking ] [ forward collision warning ] bye dad! en you don't. the newly redesigned volkswagen passat. right now you can get a $1,000 presidents' day bonus passat, jetta, or
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we heard you got a job as a developer! its official, i work for ge!! what? wow... yeah! okay...writing a new language for machines so planes, trains, even hospitals can work better. oh!ing to put it away... got it on the cake. so you're going to work on a train? not on a train...on "trains"! you're not gonna develop stuff anymore?
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two grammys last week. here performing "if it takes a lifetime," ladies and gentlemen, jason isbell! (cheers and applause) i've been working here, monday, it'll be a yeara day when i didn't wanna disappear but i keep on showing up, hell-bent on growing upetimene, fall asleep with the tv on and i fight the urge to live inside my telephoney spirits high,
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if it takes a life time too far from my raising, i forgot where i come from and the line between right and wrong was so finei thought the highway loved me but she beat me like a drum my day will come, if it takes a lifetime i don't keep liquor here,r beer and working for the county keeps me busy and clear well the nights are dry as dust,
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if it takes a lifetimey raising, i forgot where i come from and wrong was so fine well i thought the highway loved me a drum my day will come, if it takes a lifetime man is a pile of gum, all the people that he ever loved a difference how it ended up if i loved you once my friend, if it takes a lifetimerom my raising
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numb you were running up a mountain in your own mindught that i was running to but i was running from oh, our day will come, our day will come, if it takes a lifetime e )jason. beautiful, man. the album, "something more than 3 free," is out now. jason isbell, everybody! we'll be right back.
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. plause) >> stephen: welcome back. as i said before, this is our 100th show. (cheers and applause) thank you very much! yeah, that came prettyand last summer, before we premiered, we did a few weeks of test shows to work out any kinks in our process.est shows will never be shown, other than in the fevered flashbacks of my hardworking staff, but our
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documentary about the process of here is a little taste. : to see the full three-minute cut, head over to or just wait for that friend of yours who always posts links on facebook, to post a link on it out. we will see you monday for show 101, when my guests will include the director spike jonze, who's opening credits for my show. i will also be joined by actor jeffrey dean morgan, and a musical performance by jack garratt. now stay tuned for james corden, already in progress.
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