tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 21, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. please! welcome to "the late show." hello, jon! i am your host, stephen colbert. what a beautiful crowd we have here tonight. aren't you lovely people? and we've got some very special audience members tonight. they're joining us from the united states coast guard reserve, everybody. please, give them a hand over there. ( applause ) thank you so much for being here. ladies and gentlemen of the coast guard. thank you for dressing up in your dress blues. you look lovely. today is the 75th anniversary of the coast guard reserve, and i'm glad they're here so no one can smuggle drugs in a speedboat through my front row.
coasts. so is everybody excited for the weekend? everybody excited? ( cheers and applause ) i am. are you guys going to have fun? i am completely pumped because tomorrow is the democratic primary in nevada, and the big question in vegas is, "will luck be a lady tomorrow, or will luck be a cranky old man in a rumpled suit?" and something has emerged, something has emerged just last night that is potentially damaging to hillary clinton's campaign, and it is hillary clinton-- it's true-- who has been dogged by questions trustworthiness, and here she is yesterday with our good friend scott pelley. you know in 1976, jimmy carter famously said, "i will not lie to you." >> well, i will tell you, i have tried in every way i know how, literally from my years as a young lawyer, all the way
state to level with the american people. >> some people are going to call that wiggle room that you gave yourself there. >> well, no. >> jimmy carter said, "i will never lie to you." >> you know, you're asking me to say, "have i ever?" i don't believe i ever have. i don't believe i ever have. i don't believe i ever will. i am going to do the best i can to level with the american people. >> stephen: how can you be this bad at it? just say no! just say no! ( laughter ) for president of the united states! even-- even richard nixon knewcrook." he didn't say, "it has alwaysas i believe, i will do the best i can to not be a crook."e run of campaign questions.
all the bases.advanced communication skills. any child knows how to answer that question. is an actual child. come on out here, billy. ( cheers and applause )ody. say hi to billy. hey, billy, thanks for being here, nice to see you again.did you throw this ball through my window? >> no.ally? >> i would never lie to you. >> stephen: okay, i believe you. >> great. can i have my ball back?u go. okay. billy, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) it's not hard. just do that. okay? even the orange cap would be cute. and speaking of not lying folks, i cannshow for you tonight. >> jon: we do! we do!u
first, i will sit down with comedian chelsea handler, ladies and gentlemen.en, i'll be talking with one of the stars of hbo's "girls," zosia mamet.usical performance from the lumineers. that sound, that's lovely. ( band playing )the one made by jon batiste and stay human. give them a salute, everybody. say hi! ( applause )about to kick us off, but before they do, one more thing: yahoo! is reportedly for sale. don't believe me? google it. tonight, stephen welcomes
) >> stephen: thank you for joining us so much. ah, well now.use ) folks, as i said before, it's friday, and as you know everyothetical battles between any two things, any two nouns. it could be anything: like pancake versus waffle. mocacchino grande, or the jersey boys versus the california raisins,hose mashups on twitter and you the people decide the victor.mbs on because it's time for... >> audience: "friday night fights!" >> stephen: welcome to "friday night fights!" everybody. before we get to tonight's matchup, it's time for last week's results.r was dot
who couldn't join us tonight because she's busy in huffpots that slip other than nip. our first fight pitted mozartgainst beethoven with a machete. arianna put her euros on mozart.ok it with a commanding 60% of the vote! i won, everybody. ( applause ) always said , i've always said it: never bring a flute to a machete fight, a saying that finally makes sense. you more joy, seeing a photo of your coworker's baby or not getting charged for the ? mama arianna put her bets on baby, but 86% of america jumped on my free guac bus.use ) that's right. guac came out on top!f the sides when you took a bite.
i don't want to gloat, but i do could not want to gloat right to her face. now it's time for our friday fighter du jour.n, an actor, a writer, a "daily show" contributor. get ready for the hodg-man, the, john hodgman! ( cheers and applause ) john, thanks so much. thanks for being here. good to see you. ( cheers and applause )tephen: john, you're a brave man for being here. so many good men have fallen before you. tell me, what are you doing with your time these days?st, i understand. >> it's perfect i should be here because i host the "judge john hodgman podcast." nd i tell them who is right and who is wrong. >> stephen: are you ready to be wrong?
classic mythical matchup that has been debated for centuries: bigfoot versus the tooth fairy. tale of the tape. coming in at 10'2", 1,500f big, this hairy hermit's natural habitat is grainy footage. his strengths include being ahair, a personal monster truck, and the confidence that comes with what big feet is a sure sign of.lude full-body split ends, beef jerky, and usually turns out to be a dead bear.t he'll have to sasq-watch his back, because he's going up against the tooth a solid two pounds, including a roll of quarters, this benevolent imp hails from then everywhere. strengths include the power of flight, stealthy enough to lift a pillow without waking aa shillelagh
teeth. weaknesses include a shimmering hard to hide, fragile gossamer wings and a very bad business model. so what say you, john. tooth fairy. because you have bigfoot all wrong. it's not some chewbacca, it's a story not real life.ot is a wimp. >> stephen: what? >> absolutely. >> stephen: what are you talking about? legends of bigfoot, whether you call him bigfoot, yeti, sasquatch, honey island swamp monster, florida skunk ape, orbigfoot, he is always described as a shy, retiring creature, afraid ofst wants to be left alone. you put a v-neck on bigfoot, you have jeb bush. comeback. jeb's making a comeback, alright. think about the tooth fairy. the tooth fairy is only seven inches tall.ainst her, and it's very large. it's his foot. he steps on her, she's dead, okay?
of beef jerky.ap off her head like biting into slim jim. it's over,ry is small and magical and everybody loves her because she comes into your room at night and takes a disgusting piece of your bodyr head and gives you money. >> stephen: that's exactly right. >> but nobody asks "why?" nobody asks why, what's her agenda?aking into our children's room night after night taking samples of their d.n.a.?y, what, what? >> you know what i'm talking about. >> when the tooth fairy goes against bigfoot it's like "you and what army?"e "me and a clone of every human child that has lived."en: you're living in a fantasy world! you're living in a fantasy world. alright, now it's up for to you decide. would win in a fight, bigfoot or
polls are open.t there was more to say there, but there's no more to say there. it's time for our next round are you ready for this? >> i am ready >> stephen: are you okay? >> i'm fine.ve jacked you back into your beard. are you ready to do this. >> my beard can take it, stephen. >> stephen: who would win in aus with a switchblade or a walmart greeter with a crossbow? tape. we'll start with the apple genius. he comes in at 5'8", 157 pounds,omp lit degree, his battle armor is a blue t-shirt, one of those dangly i.d.s, and an impenetrable layer of condescension. armed with a six- inch switchblade. he's already charged you $80 for earbuds, so he knows how to gouge.st six hours trying to explain the cloud to your mom, so he's in a killing rage.ses include having to stop constantly for
actual genius. underestimate his opponent: a walmart greeter with a crossbow.n from the 5'11" in his prime. and weighing in at 150 pounds. including a fully loaded pill container. is known for his warm demeanor and nipple-high belt. strengths include knowing thed what it was like in his day, not to mention his aluminum recurve crossbow with quick-detach quiver and carbide steel bolts, any animal. plus, he saw some messed-up stuff in korea.ess. okay, john, apple genius with a switchblade versus walmart greeter with a crossbow.his customer service smackdown? >> well, you know, i really should recuse myself from this one.a long series of ads for apple computer. i love apple products. i love the stores. i still-- ( applause ) excuse me.sses and the suit and i'm ready to start work again as soon as possible.
walmart greater with the crossbow. >> stephen: what? how is that possible? >> that's because it's a range weapon.lose. he's going to shoot that apple dude from yards away before he gets near him. a 100-yard range, but the walmart greeter has the vision range of, like, eight yards. he is never going to even see him. >> ageism. >> ageism. >> stephen: it's the truth, man. even if he gets a lucky shotiphone six-pluses over his heart, it ricochets off. nothing can destroy those things from the height of a coffee table. okay? >> low blow, low blow. >> stephen: that's it. >> doesn't matter.ter misfires, hits the apple genius right in the skinny jeans, greeter walks over, pulls the bolt out of hish the eye cavity into his brain hole,
and then he bleeds out. is-- that is a disgusting image.he terms. you chose man-on-man death combat. i don't like to think about violence. you know who else doesn't? apple-store employees.e urban, urbane, educated technological utopians, little beanies. they don't want to fight. you know what? a seminar in "garage band"? sure. do i trust them with my back in a knife fight? no, this is not "fruit ninja," okay? this is real life.u're underestimating apple geniuses. here's what the apple genius does: he's got backup. he uses siri, okay? give me how to fight a crossbow." >> i see a flaw. >> stephen: you see a flaw? >> i do. >> stephen: you see this?osby, and it starts playing crosby, stills and nash's "teach your children well." ( laughter ) yes.
crying because he's reminded when he was younger and had awho left him and he's got children out there he's never even met. while the old guy is crying, the apple genius guy comes up wis him. game over! game over! ( cheers and applause ) game over!antastical narrative that you just spun. >> stephen: yes. >> a beautiful novel, but truly, stephen, gut check-- >> stephen: yes.e-- in your heart-- has the capacity for murder: an apple employee or a walmart employee? ( laughter )t twitter decide. you can vote right now on "who would win in a fight: an apple genius with a switchblade versus a walmart greeter with a crossbow."ay. the polls will close wednesday at midnight. get out and vote.n the couch and vote. that does it for... >> friday night fights! for mr. john hodgman, everybody. we'll be right back with chelsea handler.
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applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.ht is a best-selling author, talk show host, and comedian. she's here to talk about her latest project, "chelsea does."ng at my age. i'm busy. i work. i'm famous. i live with a lesbian.ete-- it's all over the map. so it's really hard for me to meet a guy. >> maybe you don't remember.ne? >> yeah. >> or maybe it could take a long, loone. >> do you guys think-- and i really want your honest opinions -- do you think as a 40-year-get up and show you my body and stuff. do you think that i am too old to get married? >> no. >> no. >> okay. have a decent figure? >> yes. >> yes. >> thank you. i know. >> stephen: please welcome chelsea handler.
) >> shere. >> thank you! what a lovely audience. >> stephen: you have more than a decent figure.. >> thank you. thank you for noticing. >> stephen: do you often go to seven-year-olds for validation of your sexiness?nd tired of hearing what the adults have to say, yes, i do. >> stephen: we have met one time before. i really enjoyed meeting youhe time 100. >> yes, yes! >> stephen: where you had been named one of the 100 most influential people in the world. >> that was--) >> stephen: yeah, yeah. congratulations. >> thank you.you the emcee? >> stephen: i was the emcee that night, exactly.
i was the emcee that night. >> congratulations. uch. yeah. they couldn't give me-- they couldn't give me the time 100 award because i had already been on the list twice before. >> oh, wow!u'll get it a second time. you'll get it a second time. >> that's funny, i don't remember. what years were those?k 1957 and 1959. i'm a little bit older than you are. >> yeah, that's a long time ago.ved "chelsea lately." why did you stop "chelsea lately?" it was on for only seven years. >> because you had to sit--y stupid. >> stephen: but i love stupid. stupid is good. >> no, i love stupid too.t stupidity for so long before you hard to talk to people like that every day. you're talking about. i have no idea what you're talking about.u-- how do you like it? do you like interviewing celebrities every night? >> stephen: i do, i do. >> you better say you do. >> stephen: i don't like i like people.
you're a celebrity, but i don't care. >> right -- >> stephen: i don't.. you're an entertaining person. >> but you wouldn't know me if i wasn't a celebrity. >> stephen: i know, thank god you are. so, i know who you are. someplace i would miss out on you, but i haven't, thanks to hollywood. >> i would >> stephen: oh, really? >> yeah, jesus christ and his savior. >> stephen: really, jesus, jesus-- wait a second. nice try. and his-- hold on. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, back it up! back it up! >> stephen: you just said "jesus christ and his savior." >> yeah.sh, i don't know how that goes. jesus christ -- >> stephen: well, you know, chelsea, the door is always open. the door is always open.t is god's son, right? >> stephen: that's exactly right. that's exactly how it works. you've caught up with the first century.mohammed? >> stephen: mohammed is a prophet of god.
and he's friends with gandhi?en: no, i think gandhi liked him just fine. but mohammed is from the sixth century. >> okay, we're getting somewhere finally.ot a very religious person, i take it. >> no, n. but i've done yoga. ( cheers and applause )nough. now you took 18 months off after "chelsea lately." >> that was the best, the best time of my life ever. working? >> i grew up. i turned 40. i was a grown-up. i didn't have to go to work every day. i traveled the world.ot what grown-ups do. grown-ups suck it up and go to work whether they like it or not. >> i'm back to work. back off!e very, very aggressive! >> stephen: i'm going to baptize you in a minute. ( cheers and applause ) you'd never even know. it's like the tooth fairy. in the middle of the night i'm
>> the church wouldn't take me. >> stephen: what?reject me. >> stephen: the sea refuses no river, chelsea. now, wait. so "chelsea does," you-- you >> what a gross-- what a gross expression. >> stephen: the sea refuses no river? >> that was so gross! >> stephen: you don't like that?. it reminds me of other things. anyway, what were you saying? >> stephen: just talking about your show.ow. i did a docu-series. i did one on racism and silicon valley, because i'm a luddite.ut technology so i needed to learn more about it. i did one on drugs because i love them.iage because i don't know anything about that. so i wanted to pick different topics, some that i knew a little bit about, and some i knew nothing about.? >> stephen: oh, it's really good. my wife is in the audience tonight, actually. >> she is? is she? oh, hi!t! >> stephen: yeah. >> you guys are like-- you guys are like dr. phil and his wife. >> stephen: exactly.episode i
walk into the sunset.one? talked about your show at all. could you stick around after the commercial break? because, i really like this documentary series and i would like to talk about it. >> let's do it.eally want to? >> yeah! i'm so excited. your wife is here. that's so sweet. it really is. it's so sweet. something later. we'll be a thruple. >> stephen: that's really nice. you'll have to explain to me what the hell that is.helsea handler. hey siri, set timer for fourteen minutes. ok, fourteen minutes and counting. hey siri, play me waiting playlist.
can a toothpaste do everything well? this clean was like pow! level of clean to it. it just kinda like...wiped everything clean. 6x cleaning they are so white. 6x whitening i actually really like the 2 steps. step 1, cleanss. every time i use this together, it felt like... ...leaving the dentist office. crest hd. x whitening i would switch to crest
sorry. one and shawna, because they really like you and they never come to anything. they don't even watch me. >> stephen: they sound like lovely people. >> they are. since it's a family night i figured-- >> are they younger or older? >> everyone is older than me.from a big family? >> i'm from a big family. not as big as your family. >> stephen: how many people are in your family? >> there was six in my family. >> stephen: that's a lot. that's a lot. >> stephen: yeah, me too. >> are you the youngest? >> stephen: i'm the youngest. it's fantastic, isn't it? >> it's the best. >> stephen: they have to listen to your stories.ening, you just get your own tv show. >> stephen: that's exactly right. exactly. ( applause )got rid of your tv does." but as you're saying, these are serious issues you're talking about-- a sense of humor. >> stephen: i know, but is this "chelsea does journalism?" like, why did you want to go like, you drank iowaska tea, that's used in spiritual awakenings among the indigenous peoples of peru. >> yes.at work out?
well, the first time it didn't hit me. i have a very high tolerance.aska or pretty much anything? >> pretty much anything-- you know, the pills, street drugs, anything. to go alone with the shaman and do it again without-- >> stephen: honest to god? you're like with a shaman or on a fire or-- what are you doing? but there's a brew-- >> stephen: don't talk like that was a crazy thing to ask! "there's not a fire!", not a witch doctor! >> don't be so stupid. don't you know anything about drugs? there was no fire. it wasn't a crack house. ( laughter )nd they brew this tea with these leaves-- >> stephen: what is iowaska? >> it's like a tree root. it's got d.m.t. in it. and you vomit.: sign me up! >> yeah. and you purge. they call it purging and you purge and you have all these childhood. it's very, very vivid, like, vivid imagery. >> stephen: and is that good?something from it? >> yeah, i mean i had forgotten they loved my sister. >> stephen: all right. ( laughter
>> so i told her right away., love you again! >> stephen: you also do one on racism. >> yes. >> stephen: and you actuallye from my home state of south carolina, who say that, well, slavery wasn't that bad. them when they said that? like, what was your reaction? how did you control yourself? >> this was for me-- these documentartraint. i wanted to do something that i knew nothing about. i wanted to be out of my comfort zone. i wanted-- >> stephen: and sm? where did you grow up? >> i knew nothing about documentaries. but what you think you known't know until you go to the south. because i always had an idea that everybody who is racist isin the south with one tooth and, you know, drinks beer from 9:00 a.m. to-- until whenever he passes out. met a lot of people that were intellectuals that were racists, that, you know, had a college education, that-- i mean-- >> stephen: some of them are ( laughter
) >> you're welcome.en: thank you very much. do you get into politics at all? >> yeah! i love politics. i'm into it. yeah, i want to talk about politics.ke now, or like in general in your life? >> just, like, later. ( laughter ) >> all we have time for, chelsea. >> oh, i guess forget it, then. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here.. thank you for having me. >> stephen: it was lovely to spend some time with you. >> thank you. >> stephen: it was lovely to meet your sister. >> and it was lovely to meet your wife and your wife's friends.o, wife. this is like a family reunion. it's like we're a bunch of mormons, all our big families. ( laughter )an stream this now? >> yes, it's available on netflix right now! >> stephen: "chelsea does" is available on netflix right now.. thanks so much. ( applause
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dangers. this is "the road to the white house." the american dream is dead. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that opening graphic was based on a true story. now, on the republican side,re on my home state of south carolina. and i encourage all palmetto state republicans to go out and vote.rtant voice in who i'll be making jokes about for the next four years.oice is. and this is still anybody's race. believe it or not, the hottesta right now is current presidential candidate and future co-op board
south carolina, so he's bringing out the big guns, by which i mean tweeting this photo of an name engraved on it. jeb is either reaching out to gun owners, or he's going to name on everything. and, the stakes could not bearco rubio. in iowa, he stormed into third place. in new hampshire, he thundered into fifth place.g towards second after pouring a lot of his-- other people's money into this new ad.n in america. today more men and women are out of work than ever before in our nation's history.more in taxes than they will for food, housing, and clothing combined. it's morning again in america,ship of barack obama and hillary clinton, our country is more vulnerable, divided ande. >> stephen: yes, an uplifting
it's morning in america.b, isis is going to kill us all, so grab a bottle of jack daniels and crawl back into bed.will boost the senator, because it provides a hopeful vision for america, the greatest country on earth! one you're seeing in this ad, which uses stock footage of canada.line is vancouver and that american tugboat of optimism has a canadian flag on the back.'s trying to tug vancouver into the united states! the point is, ladies andt regardless of
speaks to all americans, assoars, marco rubio is as american asom. ( cheers and applause ) he will strengthen our armed forces. he will secure our vulnerableng back good american jobs, fix our educational system, and makereat again. because it's morning in america. vote rubio. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with zosia mamet. ing. a blade. many blades. sharp blades. blades here, blades there. some more over there... whoa! that's not another blade. this is shielding.
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my friend said i'm a natural and can compete with the rest of them. they have a reold, press." >> stephen: please welcome zosia mamet. ( cheers and applause ) ome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: "girls" season five premieres on hbo this sunday at 10 p.m. congratulations on season five. >> thank you. it feel to be part of an honest-to-god cultural artifact?ne of the most accurate portrayals of what it's like to be a woman in her 20s today. >> yeah. you? >> you would know. that. it's on the card. >> it's on the card, i got it.nding out what happens to the character or do you dread it?
any way? incredibly different. the amount of, like, products that they dress., like a year ago for the first time. ( laughter ) yeah, i love finding it out. day for "girls," and they were asking about, like, if we try to imagine what's going to happen to our characters?d beyond what i could ever imagine, so i always just show up at the table read like, "what's going to happen? let's see!y!" >> stephen: now, the girls, they do engage in the physicalture. >> yes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: to keep it light-- it's cbs.m-- are you dreading that or going like, "that will be fun?"in the script, is it comfortable to see that in the script, like, "what am i going to have to do here?" >> it's not like jumping-- it's not like naked people are coming
>> stephen: i've never done a sex scene. i've never done a sex scene. >> really! oh, my god.the sex, but i've never done the sex scene. ( cheers and applause ) you've done -- >> stephen: i guess what i'm script, i would be like, "oh, my god. what's that going to be like?" so it's, like, pretend-- it's pretend sex. >> stephen: uh-huh. i did that for-- i did that for. >> did you? so you know! >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> so you know. you just didn't read it first.your mind. >> stephen: exactly. >> it was like the script played in your mind. it was like, "and then he goesdon't know why you're going to the dresser, but like-- >> stephen: i don't know, but i can't wait to read the rest of the script.on the dresser. i promise. >> stephen: your character moved to japan.
>> stephen: "a," why japan? japan? >> well, my character gets a job there. and she's having a very hard time getting a job in america,e are like, "hey, come here and work." and she's like, "all right, great." >> stephen: is there a lot of their 20s? >> there's a huge-- you would be surprised. you would be very surprised. >> stephen: did you learn japanese?f japanese. >> stephen: anything left? you got anything left over? >> jenni konner reminded of thisess the other day. it means cute. it's sort of a slang term like oh, kawaii. >> stephen: kawaii?e. it's like slang, cute. >> stephen: (speaking japanese ) make me look bad? what was that? you just set me up. that's in japanese i learned from james clavell's "shogun." that's it. miniseries, th out. >> stephen: that's it, i've got nothing left.
fluent japanese.that case, i'll edit out where i said, "i don't know how to speak japanese." everyone will think i know how to speak japanese. keep that going. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, why not? >> stephen: that would be a great rumor. >> great rumor. >> stephen: would you like any rumors spread about you?? >> what? >> stephen: i hear that, like,nd beck used to play squash together. >> no, it wasn't squash. it's that other thing that squash is like-- >> racquetball? stephen: handball? >> badminton. >> stephen: oh, badminton. yeah, that's what it was. you used to play badminton every day, and that's why it's a picture of a dog jumping-- >> i don't know if i would call it playing.e experienced badminton together. >> stephen: that is on a level of hipness i don't know. >> you know what i mean? >> stephen: no. >> yeah, me either.u so much for being here. congratulations. >> thank you for having me! >> stephen: the fifth season of "girls" returns to hbo this
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