tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 9, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> dicky: from hollywood, it's “jimmy kimmel live!” tonight -- kerry washington. alicia keys. and this week in unnecessary censorship. ♪ and now, hold on here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, welcome to the show. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks to all of you for coming. that's very nice. i'm glad you're here. how many of you in our studio audience tonight are visiting us from the east coast? this is a good time for me to tell your families these people are never coming back. 73 degrees and sunny here in
l.a. today. [ cheers and applause ] don't rub it in because there's a massive winter storm, winter storm nico is blanketing the northeast, as if a warm comforter is being gently placed over the region. it's not. thousands of flights have been canceled. schools are closed an ice princess is trapped in a tower, her name is melania. [ laughter and applause ] but i will say, it can be uncomfortable, it can be problematic. my grandmother always used to say, when life hands you snow make snow lemonade. just don't drink it because it's pee. this is a live report from fox 29 in philadelphia which should give you a sense of how the cold affects public transportation and the drivers who keep the public transported. >> we've been waiting for a bus to come for these walmart workers. now wait a second.
how's driving a bus in this weather today? >> coming up here was extremely bad, but going down the road is much better. hey, y'all better pay! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. that is some bus driver. that's who trump needs to get to be white house press secretary, right? [ laughter ] winter storm nico means it's a terrible time for new york fashion week. fashion week started today. half the models got blown not hudson river. usually fashion week isn't for me but this year i saw a couple of looks that are so me it almost hurts. i mean that's me, this is me this one is so me it might as well be named for me. it's the perfect outfit for a job interview or just going bowling with the guys. seriously, though who would wear any of that?
besides the three men who are being paid to wear that on the runway, who would wear it? >> jimmy, i would. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: talking about regular people. that's a great -- fashion is his passion. you look like a member of the cobra kai. you look like the chuba cobra kai. anyway the big news tonight, just a little while ago, the ninth circuit court of appeals weighed in on donald trump's travel ban. terrorism trump banned refugees and visitors from seven countries from entering the united states but a judge in washington suspended that ban. so the government appealed. tonight the appeals court upheld the judge's ruling. the decision was unanimous. that's not counting all the judges who voted illegally. [ laughter ] but the ban at least for now is
not in effect and donald trump is pounding the wall of the oval office with his tiny little fists. [ cheers and applause ] it's not dead yet. it did go to the speakupreme court or the people's court. a tv president can do that. of course trump tweeted almost immediately and in all caps. he wrote see you in court. the security of our nation is at stake. so the highly nuanced judicial debate continues. donald trump can't keep immigrants from entering this country. he can't even get melania to leave new york. [ laughter and applause ] and you know trump was very critical of the judge who initially put the kabosh on the ban. he called him a so-called judge and said if anything bad happened, blame him. this did not sit well with trump's pick for the supreme
court. neil gorsuch said he thinks trump's attack on the judge were disheartening and demoralizing. so then trump lashed out not at gorsuch, but instead at senator blumenthal. the president tweeted chris cuomo in his interview with senator blumenthal never asked him about his long-term lie, about his brave service in vietnam. fake news. he yells "fake news" every time he gets mad. chris cuomo did ask him about that. he asked him about the fact that back in 2010, "the new york times," which is also fake news revealed that senator blumenthal never went to vietnam, but he led people to believe he did. where's donald trump served toward bravely fighting bone spurs in his foot at the wharton school of finance. [ laughter and applause ] donald trump, it's so crazy what he gets involved in because
trump attacking blumenthal for not serving in vietnam is like milli attacking vanilli for lip syncing. then he went after mccain. saying he's been losing so long he doesn't know how to win anymore. i guess they were teammates during white house pictionary. the last the trump attacked the media, a reporter and two senators all before breakfast today. he's getting a lot done you could say that. start of the alternative facts of life, kellyanne conway is at it again. [ laughter and applause ] she was on the show "fox & friends" this morning. not only did she explain about nordstrom dropping ivanka trump's clothing line but used her position to give ivanka a rare and potentially illegal product plug. >> i do find it ironic that you
have exec tiffedz all over the internet bragging about what they've done to her and her line and yet, they're using the most prominent woman in donald trump's -- most prominent -- she's his daughter and they're using her, who's been a champion for women in power, and women in the workplace, to get to him. i think people can see through that. go buy ivanka's stuff, is what i would tell you. i hate shopping and i'm going to get some myself today. it's a wonderful line. i'm going to give a free commercial. go buy it today, you can find it online. >> jimmy: she's going to have a hell of a post white house career on qvc or the home shopping newark. [ laughter and applause ] this could be a problem for kellyanne, it may be a federal ethics violation and sean spicer had to answer questions about it today. he said she was counselled on the subject. we now have another edition of
drunk shaunean spicer. >> she's been counselled on -- on that subject and -- that's it. ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: laid his head down on the podium and went to sleep. in singapore, kentucky fried chicken, kfc, is rolling out a new creation. behold the cheatsa. it's pizza with a crust made out of fried chicken. fried chicken topped with chicken, ham pineapple chunks. it's easy to make you get a chicken to have sex with a pizza. i'm not sure why this is only available in singapore. it's probably -- put that up again. this has got to be the most american food item i've ever seen in my life. when something like this comes out, either you're one of the people who asks, who the hell
eats that stuff? or you go why the hell aren't i already eating this stuff? currently there are no plans to bring it to north america, which is, i think that's what we elected donald trump for, isn't it? [ cheers and applause ] we didn't do this so fried chicken pizza could be made in singapore. oh, he just tweeted. obama lets china get chizza first. [ laughter ] it's thursday night, time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> i do [ bleep ]. >> why? >> well, i [ bleep ] a lot of people. >> it was government control that [ bleep ] this all up. and bernie and the democrats' solution is more [ bleep ], more [ bleep ]. >> new england, we love you. you've been with us all year.
we're bringing this [ bleep ] home. >> who doesn't like a big [ bleep ] here? >> imagine watching yourself on tv and have your mom watch it. >> you know i don't make a habit of [ bleep ] strangers, but maybe after today, that might change. have you ever thrown [ bleep ]? >> yeah, you have. >> also ufc poly holm is here. >> he's gonna [ bleep ] my butt. >> caitlin, this would be right up your alley. who would you want a candle to smell like? >> wet [ bleep ] like my [ bleep ]. >> this is awesome, i'm relaxed, but it's like sucking on my dad's old [ bleep ]. >> you get to a point where [ bleep ] your father becomes awkward. >> we want [ bleep ]. we want [ bleep ]! we want [ bleep ]! yeah! >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back we have
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to our show. kerry washington and alicia keys are both here. but congratulations are in order for george clooney who is having twins, it was reported today. [ applause ] my guess is that he's had twins before but this time it's different. george and his wife amal are expecting two babies. what a year this is for twins.
first beyonce and jay-z, now the clooneys. my wife and i are only having one kid. i feel like we're losers now. so anyway, congratulations to george and amal and to us the human race. on a less wholesome note the new 50 shades movie, "50 shades darker" opened tonight. it will be going head to head this weekend with the lego batman movie, and obviously these are two very different films, targeting very different audiences, they do have some themes in common. to prove that we took the video and lego batman and the audio from "50 shades," and we put them together and we made this. >> have dinner with me. >> okay fine i will have dinner with you, but we are only talking and that is it. >> what do you want, anastasia? >> no rules, no punishments, and no more secrets. >> i don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank
you. >> uh-oh. oh no no no. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: never look at legos the same again. valentine's day is on tuesday. americans are expected to spend this is unbelievable $2 billion on flowers this vallen -- i have a new rule. if you post a pictures of flowers that came to your office thereby making every other woman who didn't get them feel bad, and every other guy who didn't send them look bad, you don't get flowers next year. you're on probation. [ cheers and applause ] i know valentine's day is problematic for a lot of men, but i was told by my wife it's annoying for women too. in theory it's a mutual holiday where there's supposed to be some exchange of gifts, but women have no idea what they're supposed to get us. men, you know you have to get a
card, fill it out on the steering wheel on your way home flowers, obviously chocolate, and if you're weird, maybe a teddy bear. besides sex, what do you give a man for valentine's day? you can't get a guy -- most guys don't want jewelry. it's hard. so this afternoon, we went around our office, we asked the men who work here what they got for valentine's day last year? and here's how that went. ♪ ♪ >> my wife got me a -- >> uh -- >> um -- >> aah -- uh -- >> i think my wife got me a card. >> uh a hug? >> i got pretty much nothing. a belated gift. i owe you a dinner. >> i think it was nothing. come to think of it i don't
think she got me anything the year before that either. so that bodes well for us. >> nothing. nothing at all. yeah nothing. >> she got me this really beautiful pen that is something that i wanted -- no she didn't get me anything. >> my wife didn't give me anything. but my mom got me a box of candy. is that weird? every year my mom gets me candy on valentine's day. that's weird. >> yeah i don't -- no, maybe i didn't get anything. no i'm sure i got something. uh this is not good probably. whatever it was, it was amazing, and i loved it and have it somewhere. i'm sorry sarah. >> hey, what did you get me for valentine's day last year? >> mmm, i have no idea.
[ laughter ] >> if you had to guess what do you think you got me? >> uh nothing? >> sounds about right. >> why are you asking? >> love you, bye, you're on tv. >> i don't think i got anything for valentine last year. the only thing i got should i be honest? the only thing i got, it was sex. that's the best present a man can have. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: you're gonna get it again tonight, if you wear that home. all right, thanks, everyone. tonight on the show, alicia keys is here. and we'll be right back with kerry washington. so stick around. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of “jimmy kimmel live!” are brought
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album, it's called “here," alicia keys is here to chat and lead us in song too. next week i would like to mention, we have new shows with some great stars. tracy morgan, denzel washington, viola davis caitlin olson jordan peele, ben and casey affleck. and we will have music from d.r.a.m featuring erykah badu, lukas graham, and fat joe with remy ma. so please join us for that next week. we're here every week. our first guest tonight is as popular a figure in washington dc, as anyone. she even has her own monument. which is amazing. her show is called “scandal," watch it thursday nights here on abc. please welcome kerry washington! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, you look fantastic. >> thank you. >> jimmy: is that leather?
>> unless you're an animal rights person then it's whatever you want it to be. >> jimmy: then it's made of vegetables? >> that's correct. >> jimmy: it looks fantastic. thank you. >>. >> jimmy: is it because of fashion week? >> i always try to look pretty for you. >> jimmy: you always do. but you look especially attractive tonight. by the way, speaking of new york you're from new york, can you believe that a day it was today in l.a.? >> it's crazy. i wish i was there and a kid again, because these are the best days when school gets canceled and you get to stay home and watch tv. you grew up in brooklyn? >> >>. >> jimmy: i remember being hopeful that school would get canceled. we didn't even have a tv set. >> is that true. >> jimmy: yeah. not because my parents were focused on education, they were just cheap. >> oh. wow. >> jimmy: it broke, and then it was gone. >> they're like forget that. >> jimmy: so we listened to radio, hoping that school would get kangsled. >> desperately hoping. this is what i never understood.
i would make snow angels every time. so you dress warm you try to get everything buttoned up and then you lay in the snow and get wet and cold. >> jimmy: it isn't a bright thing to do. >> it's not smart. >> jimmy: even as a kid, i was like eh that's not for me the snow angels. that's not my thing. >> i was the idiot that you were looking at thinking, not for me. >> jimmy: congratulations, i know your family grew by one since the last time you were here. >> thank you, thank you. and you're expecting? >> jimmy: my wife is expecting. >> we seem to be on the same schedule. >> jimmy: please don't have another one. >> you're not up for that? >> jimmy: i have two already and another two seems good. by the way, you had a big birthday. >> i did. >> jimmy: i like that you don't hide the fact that you had a 40th birthday. >> yeah, i did. i did. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's always kinda sad when people have to hide their age.
>> i feel like would you rather be dead? that's the alternative. >> jimmy: that's exactly right. you had a big cake on the set of the show. >> huge. >> jimmy: i think you tweeted it. did you eat that cake? >> there was not a single piece of cake left. >> jimmy: is that true? >> yeah. everybody ate that cake. here's the thing on "scandal," now that the costume department has been able to successfully hide two pregnancies, the actors don't starve ourselves anymore. we can gain as much weight as we want and just hold a prada bag, all day. >> jimmy: there was one time you were standing and there was a plant in front of you. >> doesn't matter. we figure it out. eat away. >> jimmy: charlie weber, who is on "how to get away with murder" like the week before and he was saying when viola davis wins an award, which happens every day, a cake or something comes and no one eats it because they're all actors. >> yeah they gotta learn -- >> jimmy: but you guys are doing it? >> we're like, figure it out,
wardrobe! i need another cape. when you're wondering why tony is holding prada bags it's because he had cake. >> jimmy: he hasn't gone through a change or something? >> no. >> jimmy: this is a head shot from -- what year would you guess this was from? >> i don't know. [ cheers and applause ] i'm pretty sure i was in high school. >> jimmy: wow. do you remember going and having this photograph taken? >> vaguely. vaguely. i will tell you, the head shot that i remember taking the most was more recent than that one. i went to get my head shots done and i was super excited. >> jimmy: the overalls are beautiful. >> i had saved a lot of money. i got up early, got my hair and makeup done. it was a super professional person, but i also had my puppy, and she upstaged me. i waited two hours, because he took portraits of my dog. >> jimmy: he fell in love with
your dog? >> yeah, this is her head shot. she got head shots. >> jimmy: that's funny. >> she's so beautiful. >> jimmy: did you list her special skills on the back? >> i haven't had to, every time i go somewhere with her, she's been in american vogue, home & garden. every time, they're like, can we have josie? i don't take her anywhere anymore, because i'm afraid she's going to end up on the cover instead of me. >> jimmy: it slows you down. at what point in your career do you stop having head shots taken? is that something you think about? >> well you still have to do them but now you do them for, like you're winning an award and they need a head shot for the program. >> jimmy: is that technically a head shot? i guess it is. >> but it doesn't have my resume stapled on the back anymore. >> jimmy: with a bunch of lies about skills that you have. >> that then they hire you and you're like i don't really know how to ride a horse. i don't really snowboard, what
am i going to do? >> jimmy: i was working on a show and the guy put juggling on the back of the thing. and he clearly couldn't juggle. >> clearly. >> jimmy: of all the things to put on your -- it's not like we weren't going to find out! >> i think i had languages on mine that are not -- >> jimmy: oh really? >> because i was like, what are the odds somebody's going to hire me to speak russian? >> jimmy: you know alicia keys because you directed a video that he was in. a common video. >> yes. common said do you want to be like the girl in this video, and i was like if i can direct it because i'm a smart ass. i'd never directed anything before. and he was like write a treatment, so i did. i wrote this complicated treatment about him breaking up with me i was his ex-girlfriend and now he's got a more sexy woman that he lives with and i break into his house and they loved it. and i was like, oh crap now i gotta direct this music video and cast it.
who can i get it that's prettier and more talented than me? i'll call alicia keys! >> jimmy: and kanye west was in as well. >> yeah all cool people. >> jimmy: asknd do you stay in touch with her? >> yes. my husband takes kids on college tours, and a few years ago, they were in new york she had all of the kids backstage. basically she's saved my butt time and time again. made me look cooler than i am. so i owe her my life. she's the best. >> jimmy: don't give her that. >> she's the best. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back, we have a sneak peek at next week's "scandal." kerry washington is with us. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] s made just for you ♪ ♪ so no matter where you might be at ♪ ♪ there's a big mac for that ♪ chorus: big mac for that! ♪ shoe game inspired? ♪
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your math. you come back and you're like i gotta make some more music. so it takes eight months to make a thing. and then boom it'syears. >> jimmy: this is your first album in three months. [ laughter and applause ] you need to slow it down. >> there you go. >> jimmy: i know there's a track on this album. there's a couple tracks i want to ask you about. one of them is "kill your mama." your son didn't help to produce that one, did he? >> no he would never that. but "kill your mama" is how we're killing mother earth. that's what it's about. so when you hear the metta for it's reallypowerful. >> jimmy: i was listening to it today, you guys start talking about cocoa butter in the middle of the album. >> i heard you have an affinity to cocoa butter. >> jimmy: i'm a recent convert to cocoa butter. d.j. cal id gave me a lot of cocoa butter. >> like a box? >> jimmy: a crate of cocoa butter.
i put it on and now every day i smell like milk duds. it's wonderful. i love it. >> i'm very proud of you for knowing and using cocoa butter. >> jimmy: i didn't even know it was a real thing. i remembered it from songs like salt n pepa rapping about it but cocoa butter it's like cocoa. it's like being a chocolate bar. >> like a bean. you're like a little bean when you use it.ou use a cocoa butter yourself? >> i'm not an avid cocoa butter user but i do enjoy it. and they also have lip balm which is very good. >> jimmy: you support my use of cocoa butter, though? >> i do. and i like that you gravitated to -- >> i did. >> -- of the things with the album is really creative like these interstitial these descriptions of what was coming ahead with the song, and really gave a deeper meaning than what the soppings are songs are talking about. so cocoa butter leads into a
song called "a girl can't be herself," which talks about how women are held to high standards of what beauty should be. >> jimmy: right. >> so it talks about how these guys are seeing this girl and that's how it brings up the cocoa butter. >> jimmy: i was talking to some of the guys in my office like two weeks ago about you. i think i was looking at this album cover and talking aboutw you don't wear makeup anymore. if you have a face like this you don't need to wear makeup ever. [ cheers and applause ] >> that's not true! i don't like that either. >> jimmy: you don't what butter, is that okay? >> you're good on the cocoa butter. look how when you don't somebody you're like. no i don't feel like that's the -- i feel like all women are beautiful, we all have unique ways of our own beauty and should celebrate it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's true. but in fairness i do also want to encourage people to again, look at this face. okay? >> thank you.
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'd like to thank kerry washington and apologize to matt damon, time. "nightline" is next but first, her latest album is called “here," here with the song “illusion of bliss," alicia keys! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ you know right now i miss whatld had no control o ♪ you talk yourselftell yourself baby i'm better than this ♪ ♪ and all of the fighting ♪ ♪ i don't want to resist ♪
so we persist ♪ ♪ like a bottomless kiss ♪ ♪ an illusion of bliss ♪ ♪ an illusion of ♪ ♪ hey! ♪ ♪ live in a prison of blood and flesh and the easy way out is this high i confess ♪ ♪ so what you looking at ♪ ♪ what you wanna say ♪ ♪ you can't see me baby ♪ ♪ i don't want it no way ♪ ♪ so it persists ♪ ♪ like a bottomless kiss ♪ ♪ an illusion of bliss ♪ ♪ an illusion of bliss ♪ ♪ so it persists ♪ like a bottomless kiss ♪ ♪ an illusion of bliss ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ see my life ain't no easy road ♪ ♪ i don't know which way to go ♪ ♪ somebody see me when i can't see myself ♪ ♪ when somebody listen before i need help ♪ ♪ i'm sick of being judged ♪ ♪ sick of being sick ♪ ♪ tell me where's the love ♪ ♪ tired of being tricked ♪ of beingh ♪ ♪ sick o being low ♪ ♪ sick of all the♪ ♪ putting on a w persist ♪ ♪ so we persist ♪ ♪ like a bottomless kiss ♪ an illusion of bliss ♪ ♪ an i'llllusion bliss ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ oh oh oh ho ♪ [ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." >> tonight, meet your match. on the dating app. users are saying goodbye to the swipe and hello to the personality. >> it's people who are actually invested in meeting people. as opposed to again, like the hook-up culture. >> we're on a first date with
two people who made the app's top 40 most eligible list. >> sorry, ladies this is the best new york can do. >> can they sweep each other off their phones? plus 13th, a provocative documentary indicting america's painful past and sounding the alarm about today's present. >> we punish and we profit. trying to expose modern day