tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC June 26, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
♪ bombs bursting through air ♪ ♪ gave proof through the sky ♪ that the flag waved again ♪ ♪ give us our daily bread ♪ la la la of the free ♪ the brave [ cheers and applause ] dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- keri russell, from "animal kingdom," scott speedman, and comedian casey crawford.
and now, hold on tight, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. very nice. we are back to work after a long weekend. it didn't feel like a long weekend. but technically it was. i hope you had a fine memorial day. i hope you took time to remember the men and women who risked and sacrificed their lives so the rest of us can eat yogurt out of a tube. [ laughter ] memorial day's become the unofficial start to summer. summer doesn't technically start until next month. that didn't stop me from wearing a bikini all weekend, i'll tell you that. this is interesting. here's there's a new report that says more than half of american
workers didn't use all their vacation days last year. they had them, they just didn't take them. so the people who did the study asked why. some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. the rest said, i hate my family. [ laughter ] i don't want to spend another minute with them. but it's interesting. because even though we aren't taking all our vacation days, most american workers i think you'll agree are more than making up for it by spending the vast majority of every day checking facebook at work. [ laughter ] it was an eventful memorial day at the white house. this was weird. sunday night, this video made the rounds. you can see mysterious red lights flashing in or on, this is not fake, this is from the second floor window at the white house. it went on for about 20 minutes. and white house stress secretary sean spicer said the red light was the reflection of an ambulance in lafayette park. so the one thing we know for sure is the red light was definitely not the reflection of an ambulance in lafayette park. [ laughter ]
there are a lot of theories -- [ cheers and applause ] maybe it was the alarm that goes off when president trump tries to get into melania's bedroom. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ drumroll ] the president and first lady are back home from italy. they were out of the country last week spreading joy and optimism all over the world. their travels included a stop at the u.s. naval air station in sicily where melania wowed the world with one hell of an impromptu speech. >> we had the great time here. and we did a lot of great stuff. and i want to thank you very much. this has been an incredible trip and a great strides have been made. >> jimmy: very, very well said, thank you. [ cheers and applause ]
it's like lady dracula gave a book report. [ laughter ] president trump spoke in sicily too where he reminded our troops of america's military contributions overseas. >> americans fought and died to liberate europe from the evils of naziism. >> jimmy: what? naziism? when hitler got seasick he had to be treated for naziism. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] donald trump, our president, had a lot to say in sicily so we slowed him down to half speed for tonight. italiano edition of "drunk donald trump." [ tape playing very slowly ] >> all of us would be more safe and secure if everyone fulfills
their obligations the way they're supposed to. right? look at this man. he's over there. he's agreeing with me 100%. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the approval rating is 100%. so the president's back home. and the united states, where the investigation into his connections with russia is heating up. according to the "washington post," donald trump's son-in-law/senior adviser jared kushner is now a focus of the investigation. kushner met with the russian ambassador to the united states at trump tower in december. before he was president, reportedly proposed a secret back channel of communications so trump could be in touch with moscow without the united states government knowing about it. and you thought your son-in-law was an idiot. [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is potentially illegal, maybe even very illegal.
fortunately this morning trump retweeted the story from "fox and friends" that sit jared didn't do it, so. that's a relief. senator john mccain, fellow republican, said he doesn't like this at all, he says allegations of ties between trump's campaign and russia are reaching watergate size and scale. and that, you know -- i understand what senator mccain is saying. but watergate was different. watergate was some guys breaking into a hotel. this is a guy with a hotel breaking into the white house. [ laughter ] and with all this going on, there are rumors that the president is considering a shake-up of his staff. the communications director for the white house resigned last week. and sean spicer, i don't know what sean spicer's situation is. but based on his performance today, it seems like he's making a concerted effort to stay on someone's good side. >> i want to begin by recapping the incredible, historic trip the president and the first lady have just concluded because it truly was an extraordinary week for america. it was an unprecedented first trip abroad. historic turning point that people will be talking about for many years to come. we have to look back decades to
"find a comparatively dramatic moment in the history of u.s. foreign policy." the president's historic speech was met with nearly universal praise. countless arab allies also praised the president's leadership on this visit. this was a historic event in that regard alone. the president went to israel where he was received with incredible warmth and gave a highly praised address at the israel museum. in three days trump carried out a semi-revolution. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: semi-revolution. it's like a revolution that almost succeeded. [ applause ] i got to say, either sean spicer is covering his ass or someone is bigly in love with president trump. [ laughter ] you know how pope francis took a picture with the trumps where he looked kind of angry in the picture? it became famous. [ laughter ] looked like god's been making him sleep on the couch. [ laughter ] he did it again. he's with the canadian prime minister.
justin trudeau and his wife. again, not happy at all. i don't know if he's -- i think i'd be sad if i was forced to wear the same dress every day. makes you wonder, is everything okay with the pope? did the vatican wi-fi go out? i mean, being pope isn't easy, there's a lot of pressure and very little room for advancement. [ laughter ] but fortunately for pope francis, help is on the way. >> remember when you were carefree? when life was fun? now everything feels like a chore. especially being forced to take pictures with losers you have no interest in meeting. it doesn't have to anymore. with lexapope, an antidepressant specifically formulated for people who are the pope. so if you're the pope, ask your doctor about lexapope. because life for the pope should always be dope. lexapope. being pope sucks. lexapope can help. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is good stuff.
this is from -- you know, they have a new "guardians of the galaxy" ride at california adventure. the local news channels are sending reporters to try it out. this is from our abc affiliate in fresno, corey james. help me out here, i'm not sure if this is a good review or a bad one. >> the ride has already started. here's the music that we've been talking about too. now the doors are closing. whoo! aah! oh, oh! >> you okay there, corey? it took your breath away? >> aah! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: i don't know. if sean spicer does get the boot, that's the guy trump should look at. [ laughter ] hey, mario lopez, you know mario, he was on "saved by the bell." [ cheers and applause ] don't go overboard. [ laughter ] anyway, he's got a new game show on cbs. the show is based on a popular app. give them credit already. for a promo that is refreshingly honest. >> your summer crush is here. >> this is candy crush! >> we're building the biggest game show arena. >> this is mind blowing. >> to play the most popular mobile game of all-time. mario lopez hosts "candy crush." premieres cbs this summer. >> i'm going to kill myself! >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] that's a promo? all right. we have to take a break. when we come back i will talk to children about our president. so stick around, we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. keri russell, scott speedman, casey crawford on the way. first we're 130 days into the trump administration. so far it's been smooth sailing, not a bump. [ laughter ] but of course adults are biased and partisan and all those things that make it difficult to work together. children aren't. children are honest. so i asked kids, future voters of america, to give me their takes on the state of our president and our union and this is what they had to say. you know who the president is? >> yep. >> jimmy: who is it? >> donald trump. >> jimmy: how do you think he's doing? >> i think he's doing good. >> jimmy: you do? you're happy with the job he's done so far? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what does the president even do? >> he watches over our country. >> jimmy: right.
>> and he protects the people and he makes sure nobody breaks the laws. >> jimmy: right. but it turns out a lot of people are breaking the laws. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you know? in fact, somebody peed on these steps a little earlier. did you know that? >> no. >> jimmy: and yet president trump, where is he? he does nothing about it. >> he's in the white house. >> jimmy: i know, but don't you think he should be here protecting our steps from people peeing on them? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i do too. luckily you wore a yellow dress. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. donald trump. >> yep. donald trump. is the president of the united states. >> jimmy: he is the president of the united states. how do you think he's doing so far? >> oh, i think he's doing good. >> jimmy: you do? what do you like about what he's been doing? >> i like that he built a wall. because mexico tries to tear into the united states, attack the united states. >> jimmy: do you think there's a
looming threat of mexico trying to attack the united states? >> no. >> jimmy: i don't think you have to worry about the mexicans attacking us, you know? >> yeah. >> jimmy: as a kid you've got other things to worry about, like sleep-overs, killer bees. are kids still worried about killer bees? >> no. >> jimmy: you should, that's what's going to get you. >> killer bees aren't real. >> jimmy: killer bees are real, read about it, trust me on this one. you'll be lucky to hit 10 years old. how do you think president trump is doing so far? >> not really well. because my sister told me that donald trump is against another state. >> jimmy: which state? >> i can't -- >> jimmy: is it nebraska? >> yeah, nebraska. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a lot of people are happy that he's bombing nebraska. do you think it was a good idea? >> no. >> jimmy: you don't? >> because -- there's better
bombs. >> i think they're going to be okay, though, i really do. once football season starts. they're usually pretty solid. if you could give the president any advice, what advice would you give him? >> like walk around a little bit and see what's going on in different states. >> jimmy: that's good advice. which states? >> like california. new york. >> jimmy: nebraska? >> nebraska. montana. >> jimmy: nebraska's had it pretty hard. should we say a prayer for our friends in nebraska? >> sure. >> jimmy: dear lord. please watch over our friends in omaha. and -- i can't think of any other cities in nebraska. but please watch over all of them. and keep them safe from harm. amen. >> amen. >> jimmy: amen. do you think donald trump is making america great again? >> yeah.
>> jimmy: what sorts of things is he changing? >> like we're going into war. >> jimmy: you like that? >> no. >> jimmy: oh. do you know who the vice president is? >> yes. mike pence. >> jimmy: mike pence. what do you think of him? >> what i don't like is that he did not support the wall then he switched to supporting the wall. >> jimmy: did you know mike pence likes to dress as a woman when he's at home? >> really? >> jimmy: uh-huh. it's true. spread it around. [ laughter ] what do you think about what's going on in russia? with russia right now? >> russia. i heard some -- some bad things about russia. >> jimmy: we had a cold war with russia, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you know what a cold war is? >> no. >> jimmy: it's a war in the snow. >> oh. >> jimmy: yes, like remember in "star wars" when they had the snow troopers? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's kind of like that. >> i love "star wars." >> jimmy: what the do you like about donald trump? >> that he's nice. >> jimmy: you think he's nice? do you think he's nice?
>> uh -- kind of. >> jimmy: kind of, yeah. who's your favorite celebrity? >> michael jackson. >> jimmy: you think michael jackson would be a better president than donald trump? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you do? yeah? you think michael jackson would ever consider running for president? >> no. >> jimmy: why not? >> because he's already a famous person. >> jimmy: there's another big reason why he probably won't run for president too. >> because he has -- he has -- hm. >> jimmy: because he has -- passed away? >> probably, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> i agree. >> jimmy: yeah, you agree. overall you have a positive feeling about the country. you think the president is making america great again? >> i think america's always been great. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i would have to agree with you.
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, kids. tonight on the show -- scott speedman is here. casey crawford is with us. and we'll be right back with keri russell. flavors are transformed, afternoons get more refreshing. from the bold starbucks double shot on ice to the sweet iced caramel macchiato. meet a friend and chill together. from june 27th to july 2nd buy any grande iced expresso beverage, get one free between 2 and 5pm. discover card. hooh, you're real?? you know i'm real! at discover, we're always here to talk. good, 'cause i don't have time for machines. some companies just don't appreciate the power of conversation! you know, i like you! i like you too! at discover, we treat you like you'd treat you. get the it card and talk to a real person. ♪ and now i'm sure it's more than a stroke of luck ♪ ♪ yeah, i love you, do you love me, too? ♪
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show tonight. then, a funny guy from boston, comedian casey crawford is with us. you will like him. we have new shows this week at our regular time. sarah silverman will be here, uncomfortable for me. [ laughter ] jimmy butler will be with us. and someone else. we don't know who the other person is? i'll text everyone when we find out. [ laughter ] also this week we're back in primetime for the return of our "nba game night" specials with an all-star line-up that includes robert downey jr., tom holland, owen wilson, will ferrell, jamie foxx, snoop dogg, billy crystal, karl malone. and on thursday for game one, kevin hart and an all-new all-nba edition of mean tweets. [ cheers and applause ] that's thursday night, 8:00 eastern/7:00 central and after the game on the west coast. all right. our first guest was into spying for russia way before it was the trendy thing to do. her critically-acclaimed fx show "the americans" wrapped up its 5th season earlier tonight, and she is a newly-minted member of
the hollywood walk of fame. please welcome keri russell. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hey, first of all, congratulations on the hollywood walk of fame. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] did you know this? yours is the 2,613th star on the hollywood walk of fame. i wasn't meaning to joke there. [ laughter ] you know, it's only -- it's been going on for like 100 years, that's pretty good, i think. >> it's true, it was pretty amazing. >> jimmy: was it something you dreamed of? >> i have to admit, you know, obviously it's an amazing, amazing, incredible thing. but when i first heard about it
i was a little worried. because i thought -- when you think about the hollywood, a star on hollywood boulevard, you think of some iconic person like judy garland. >> jimmy: right. >> johnny carson. so i was kind of like, a, do they know something i don't know? [ laughter ] like, am i going to die? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, yeah. >> or b, is it over? is my career over? is this the twilight of my career? she's wrapped "the mickey mouse club." she's played that college kid. russian spy. it's over, done, someone else new, go. >> jimmy: no, it's not really the case. there are many stars whose careers are thriving out there. >> apparently, that's what they said. someone said chris pratt just got one. he's a big movie star. and i said, can you confirm that since he got the star he's gotten another job? [ laughter ] no, i can't. what is this? >> jimmy: it's funny you say that. in a way it is like being at your own funeral at that thing. >> it kind of was. they make you stand there.
love them. it was amazing, obviously. you stand there and people talk about you. >> jimmy: right. >> standing there. >> jimmy: and your name is on something buried in cement. >> yes. it's so true. >> jimmy: who spoke about you? >> joe fields, who's one of the creators and writers on "the americans." >> jimmy: right. >> and matt reeves and j.j. abrams. >> jimmy: j.j. not only "felicity" was his show, "mission impossible." >> died. >> jimmy: and now he gave your eulogy, the circle is complete. >> wait a minute. >> jimmy: but that is a lot of stuff to do together. >> it was. >> jimmy: obviously you're close. did you know tom cruise before that movie? >> didn't know tom cruise. i'd met him at j.j.'s house. j.j. was having this birthday party at his house. and suddenly tom cruise was there. we were like, tom cruise, what is he doing at this birthday party? there was a -- because it was at his house. not like j.j. had hula hoops or
something. it was a kid easy hula hoop. somehow there was a hula hoop contest. i could be wrong but i think scott speedman was involved in the hula hoop contest. >> jimmy: is that right? >> you could ask him. i'm pretty sure tom cruise won the hula hoop contest. >> jimmy: of course he, did he probably trained with some hula hoop shaman. >> right. >> jimmy: climbed to the top of hula hoop mountain to learn how. >> yes. >> jimmy: he's probably still out there doing it. >> so good. >> jimmy: yeah, that does sound right. i'd put my money on tom cruise immediately if there was a party competition going on. your children are how old? >> river is almost 10 this week. willa is 5 1/2, she will tell you. sam just turned 1. >> jimmy: are they ilpressed by what you do for a living? >> not at all. >> jimmy: not at all, no. >> like there's nothing i can do that impresses the 10-year-old. like nothing. >> jimmy: really? >> not jumping out of a burning building with tom cruise. not being like kind of an actor.
you know, like where you get to do -- he's like, whatever. and -- but i did just get asked to do bear grylls adventure show. [ cheers and applause ] he's like this cool, tough guy. and he does wilderness things. >> he takes celebrities in the wild and kills them, right? [ laughter ] >> yes. basically. and so the timing didn't work. i got asked to do it recently. and i said, oh, it sounds really cool, but the timing doesn't work. river heard about it, he was like, you have to do bear! you have to do it! >> jimmy: that pushed his buttons. >> i was like, you've got to do it. >> jimmy: you did it for your son? >> i did it for river. >> jimmy: has he seen it yet? >> he has not seen it. >> what did you have to do? >> i had to do so [ bleep ] much. >> jimmy: really? genuinely dangerous stuff or stuff that looked dangerous but is not? >> yes, it's way harder -- i thought, it's a tv show. i'll be doing something hard and they'll be like, don't worry about it, we'll edit that.
it was really hard. and i think i'm in shape. i'm tough. i can do it. but one of the best things is i flew -- we flew to -- he does all these amazing locations and mine was the canary islands on the -- off the coast of africa. it was so glamorous to be a boring mom flying to some exotic thing without kids, it was so fun. [ laughter ] so anyway, we go and i left on mother's day. and matthew, my guy, had the kids, they gave me this necklace before i left. it was like a little survivalist necklace with this tiny capsule that i assume you keep medicine or something in. >> jimmy: nitroglycerine. >> or whatever. i want to die! >> jimmy: the suicide pill. >> yeah. so i unraveled it at the airport. and there was a tiny little picture matthew had made of all three kids together. and then river was allowed to write one little note on behalf of all the children. to me. and what did the note say scribbled in his 10-year-old
handwriting? "don't die." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: and you didn't. now i have to tell you, i've been nervous. i don't want to talk about -- about what happened on "the americans" tonight because people get very, very angry. so we will not address specific plot points. unless you want to say something. i don't care if they get angry at you. it's your show. it's me i don't want to get yelled at. >> i'll tell everything! >> jimmy: this show is -- i think like as far as like the critics go, this is a show that people are -- i feel like they're almost yelling at america, like you better watch this! it's almost as if what they do means nothing. if people don't listen to them in this particular case. >> it's such a -- this has been such a fun job for me. everything i've done, i feel like -- it's just so cool. so fun to be part of something so cool. my part is so great. and it's something i didn't think i could do.
and it was just -- it's really been a -- >> jimmy: did you tell them you didn't think you could do it? >> yes, over and over. over and over. >> jimmy: it almost has a reverse effect. >> yes. >> jimmy: they're like, oh my gosh, she's not desperate at all, we must get her. >> she's the one. yeah. >> jimmy: scott is here. scott speedman. >> speedman. >> jimmy: before he comes, is there anything you want to say about him or tell us? reveal. >> yes. you know what, i had to do this big star ceremony, whatever. thing today. i was nervous. but i always when i come to town, i always see my friends mandy and scott. from "felicity." so i said, come to the holt, let's see each other first before we have to do all the scary stuff. and scott just kept saying, so like when do you do the hands, put your hand in the cement? over and over. mandy's like, it's not that event. [ laughter ] then finally at the end he said, but when do you do the hands?
and he's like, i'm coming for like a star thing? i was like, [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that's your message i'll pass along. [ cheers and applause ] keri russell, everyone. catch up on "the americans" on fx. all the previous seasons are on amazon prime. thank you very much. we'll be right back! ready or not, here i come. winner gets the cheetos! it's go time.
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20 years now next year. >> 20 years we're old. >> yeah we're old. >> i got the job out of toronto. >> we're old. >> yeah, we're old. >> wow. >> i got the job out of toronto, two days later i was on set with her. i sent a videotape to j.j. and matt reeves. next thing i knew i was friends with her. >> jimmy: you've been friends that long. most people from shows either separate themselves or they hate the people. both usually. >> i know, it's a good group, we all like j.j. >> jimmy: will you do a "gilmore girls" kind of thing on netflix, get together -- [ cheers and applause ] >> i would do it. >> some people are on really high-class shows.
some people -- i'll do it in a heartbeat. i'll be on lifetime in no time. >> jimmy: you're working on "animal kingdom." >> i am. >> jimmy: which is a drama. >> sure is. >> jimmy: people might think it's about animals. >> people ask me if i'm the host. it's a metaphor! a metaphor. >> jimmy: you've got a koala and you're showing it to people? >> yeah, sometimes when they run into me they're big fans of "felicity." then they're like, are you still acting? yeah, i'm on "animal kingdom." oh, are you the host? no, i'm not the host! >> jimmy: this makes sense now why you thought keri was getting her hands and feet in the cement. [ laughter ] >> right, yeah. >> jimmy: you have a weird inferiority complex. >> i was a little disappointed it was the star. i was expecting the hands and feet and i was going to get in there. >> jimmy: jump in. >> yeah. >> jimmy: since you're here i
want to talk about it. >> you can talk to her still if you want. >> jimmy: would you mind? just sitting behind? yes. >> story of my life. >> jimmy: i can only imagine, if there was a facebook, if there was social media during the time, there wasn't at that time. >> thank god, man. thank god. >> jimmy: why do you say thank god? >> i don't know, there was like instagram back then, i don't know if i would have survived. >> i don't know. >> i'd be in a shack in portland by now. i would have pulled an accidental anthony weiner at some point. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i don't know, accident ol or otherwise, i don't know. that's a dangerous combo, me at 24 on "felicity." >> that's true. >> it's true for you too? [ laughter ] >> for kids these days it's hard. it's hard. >> jimmy: it's hard. it is hard not to photograph your genitals. [ laughter ] >> i find it hard. >> jimmy: it takes so much self-restraint. >> so much. all day. >> so much. >> jimmy: that show, i remember of course the big thing was when you cut your hair. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that was i'm sure part of the script, that the haircut would happen.
did you know that it would be so short and such a big deal? >> how dare you. >> jimmy: it was a big deal. >> it was a big deal. i think the powers that be made it seem like i got drunk on the weekend and cut my hair ask showed up one day what do you think of this? it was a real story point. >> it's true, yeah. >> really did. but we were dating at the time, i'd been a disaster of a boyfriend up to then, i knew i had to put on a good show. new haircut, you've got to bring it home, you've got to do it. i got to work, she turned the corner, my face froze in a half panic, half smile situation, did not pull it off. it was a chia head sort of. >> chia pet. >> chia pet. but it grew into something great, we all recovered from it. >> there was a chia pet vibe. >> jimmy: let's go back to scott being a disaster of a boyfriend. >> what still remains. >> jimmy: let's speak generally. what constitutes a disaster of a
boyfriend? what kinds of things does -- >> she does not need to answer. [ laughter ] this is not the time. [ cheers and applause ] let's leave that totally alone. >> a young 20s disaster. >> not much has changed. >> jimmy: not much has changed. things are going very well, you're both on separate shows. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you've not as far as i know photographed yourself naked and posted it. >> no. >> the night is young. >> we'll see what happens. >> jimmy: that would be a nice tribute. we'll take a polaroid and tape it right next to keri's star on the walk of fame. >> that's my version of it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, it seems like -- i have to say i too am happy that you guys are getting along. >> are you? >> jimmy: it seems like you are. it seems like -- i don't know, i mean -- it does seem like you're almost like brother and sister. i don't want to be weird. but it does. >> i have to say, you know -- like i have my core friends in l.a. and mandy and scott, i feel like
they always have my back. they're just -- like they would fight so much for me. >> jimmy: would you fight someone? fight a member of our audience right now. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> don't, don't, don't, don't! i don't like this, i don't like this! [ cheers and applause ] >> no, stop it, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! >> jimmy: keri russell and scott speedman! you chickened out, scott. "animal kingdom" airs tuesdays at 9:00pm on tnt. and we'll return with comedian casey crawford. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ howl whimper yap yap yap yip
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ jimmy: you can see our next guest whenever he feels like it at the comedy studio in cambridge. making his television debut, please welcome casey crawford! [ cheers and applause ] >> how you guys doing? [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm so lonely. anybody else lonely? [ one cheer ] just me? i'm so lonely -- the other night i was downtown talking to a homeless guy, and he was like, "well, i gotta go." [ laughter ]
i like to have fun. you guys like to have fun? [ cheers and applause ] i like to have fun. last halloween, i went as the guy whose wallet i found. [ laughter ] you guys, people come up to me in the woods all the time and ask me if i work there. [ laughter ] a high school teacher once gave me a piece of advice. she said, "if you're not a student, then you need to leave." seems like that was just yesterday. you guys, according to my fitbit, i did about three miles worth of scissor kicks last night during my night terrors.
[ laughter ] the other day an attractive young lady asked me if i wanted to go to a movie. all right, what movie, what time? i'm like, you pick. she's like, you pick. i'm like, you pick. she's like, you pick. i'm like, you pick. she's like, you pick. i'm like, you pick. she's like, you pick. and she's like, sir, there are other people waiting in line. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the hardest part for me about going to a laser-light show is trying to get all my cats to sit still. [ laughter ] i recently built a time machine for one of my cats. sent him back in time to try and kill hitler's cat. did some research afterwards and found out hitler never even had
a cat. so, mission accomplished, i guess. [ laughter ] [ applause ] calm down, you guys. i'm 38 years old, you guys. i'm getting old. it's weird getting old. like, i can watch an entire porno and the whole time just be thinking, "i bet that pizza's getting cold." [ laughter ] it's weird getting old. i've been with my old lady 14 years now. [ cheers and applause ] 14 years is a long time to be with one person, you know. it is. at this point for us, having sex is a lot like trying to move a large piano into a small house. it's gonna be a lot easier if i just pay two high school kids to do it! [ laughter ]
this is "nightline". >> tonight, judging cosby. a juror from the bill cosby sexual harassment trial revealing insider detailed after 52 hours of deliberations. >> there was four people crying in the room. just couldn't handle it. >> now prosecution demanding a retrial and the comedian remains a free man. >> i want to thank the jury. >> his big plans for what's next. plus model mom, our journal to see world renown beauty christie turlington, running to great