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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  NBC  January 13, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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heastht , tbu si.oglyl,dee ssm,ooer ( applause ) >> stephen: but, of course, it wasn't just obama's big night. all eyes were on the new speaker of the house and guy at the gym grunting so loud you can hear it through your earbuds, paul ryan. this was his first time behind the president, and he was
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ryan even told c.n.n. he was practicing his poker face. , of course, ryan had a tough job. when you're the speaker in the party opposing the president, be you republican or be you democrat, you have a duty not to react favorably to anything the president said. ryan had to appear simultaneously engaged and enraged. i give him credit he delivered a truly en-graijing performance. look at all the things he didn't applaud. >> we've got to make it easier to vote, not harder. we need to modernize it. fixing a broken immigration system. ( applause ) protecting our kids from gun violence. ( applause ) equal pay for equal work. ( applause ) we reformed our health care system and reinvented our energy sector.
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that's how we delivered more care and benefits to our troops coming home and our veterans. ( applause ) >> stephen: look at that discipline! he didn't even applaud for the troops! that's like booing apple pie or not crying during "field of dreams." ( laughter ) he plays catch with his dad! the point is, paul ryan is the master. let's see if i could get him to applaud. jim? here we go. saving puppies from a burning bus! ( laughter ) a guy in a wheelchair makes a half-court basketball shot! ( laughter ) an elderly cat finds a forever home! america adds a second christmas! he is a tough nut. oh, i know-- the first time we
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new "star wars"! ( cheers and applause ) yeah, that one gets everybody right here. of course, it was really obama's night, and in his last state of the union, the president returned to the unifying theme of all his speeches: very long pauses. anyone who watches him knows he tends to take breaks between words... for empha... sis. ( cheers and applause ) and while last night was no exception, the networks did something i've never seen before-- they sold ad time during his pauses. >> we the people. >> draftkings. daily fantasy sports jackpots! play free with promo code "state
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those three simple words. >> hotel transylvania 2, now available on blu-ray! >> words we've come to recognize mean all the people, not just some. >>! >> words that insist we rise and fall together. >> speedstick deodorant >> stephen: and while the president used his final state of the union to crow about how he did things his way, he also admitted that regrets, he had a few. >> it's one of the few regrets of my presidency, that the rancor and suspicion between the parties has gotten worse instead of better. i have no doubt, a president with the gifts of lincoln or roosevelt might have better bridged the divide. >> stephen: maybe he's not a lincoln or a roosevelt, but the president did try to rally the american people to come together and face what many see as an existential threat to our nation--
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>> we need to reject any politics, any politics that targets people because of race or religion. when politicians insult muslims, it doesn't make us safer. that's not telling it like it is. it's just wrong. it diminishes us in the eyes of the world. ( applause ) >> stephen: now, he didn't mention the republican frontrunner by name-- because if you say it three times, he appears behind you and demands your birth certificate. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and here's the thing-- the president wasn't the only one calling for america to build a wall around donald trump. so was the republican party's official designated response speaker, south carolina governor and crest whitestrips after photo nikki haley. >> during anxious times, it can be tempting to follow the siren
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we must resist that temptation. some people think that you have to be the loudest voice in the room. >> stephen: the thing is that by showing up in both of these speeches, by turning the state of the union night into the state of the trump, donald proved he's the loudest voice in the room, even when he's not in the room. and with both parties using their platform to go after this man's policies, last night donald trump did something obama could not-- he brought the country together. that means he's as great as lincoln, and f.d.r., and i'm sure donald trump would agree. we'll be right back with paul
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du, de ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight starred in "sideways," "cinderella man," "american splendor," and ohadams." he now plays a u.s. attorney hell-bent on prosecuting a wealthy hedge fund manager for insider trading on showtime's "billions." >> max is a folk mereo in this town. the guy gave the new york city firefighters foundation $100 million last year.
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ground zero with his name on it. >> spitzer name was on all the highway signs, too. signs come down. >> that's why i love you, man. but a good matador doesn't try to kill a fresh bull. you wait until he's been stuck a few times. we need an opening, however small. if we get the guy the moment that he's gettable, just like the others, but not if there's a chance we lose. >> stephen: please welcome paul giamatti. ( cheers and applause ) >> holy cow! my goodness! it's glorious in here. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> yes, my pleasure. >> stephen: thank you for bringing your reading glazes. >> i know. >> stephen: are we going to go
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>> yes, we will, later on. i'm just going to rest them there. could i try them? >> please, absolutely. oh! holy cow! >> stephen: i gotta tell you, i suspect these look pretty good, but you're so blind, i cannot-- i don't recognize-- you really can't see that well. >> i really can't see very well. >> stephen: are you-- but do you have spatial awareness of things around you? >> no, i'm like a ninja. absolutely. >> stephen: really? >> oh, at all times. >> stephen: because you have been accused of not having spatial awareness and i want to clear the air right here. >> really. >> stephen: i had matthew broderick on last week. >> i understand. >> stephen: and he was accused of man-spreading on the subway, and a photo apeeferred online in march. this is accusing you of man spreading on the subway. >> that's amazing. >> stephen: do you cop to the guilty plea for man spreading. >> i was man spreading. indeed, i was spread. there's no question about it. look at that. >> stephen: you are a man. >> an impressive spread, and i am a man.
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i'm not kidding. >> stephen: sadly, there is no proof in the photograph. >> no, no,. >> stephen: there's no one next to you because they can't sit there because you're man spreading. >> there's no reflection of anybody in the mirror-- window. >> stephen: wait a second! don't pull that "n.c.i.s." stuff on me. zoom in on the window, enhance! >> but you can't see anybody! >> stephen: i'm sorry, we're going to have to take your word for cant. >> there was nobody near me. >> stephen: this is not a book the etiquette by any chance? >> no, i don't know what i was reading. >> stephen: you know what, i do believe you? >> thank you. >> stephen: people like paul giamatti. because you seem like an average guy. ( cheers and applause ) and you seem like a very average, relatable guy. i loved you "john adams" for which you won the emmy. >> thank you. >> stephen: did john adams seem like a kind of guy you could get to know? >> i don't know. he's a pretty angry guy. >> stephen: really? >> sees he's a difficult, spiky,
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i have to play a lot of guys like that. >> stephen: you do. >> i don't know why. ( laughter ) what the hell is that all about! >> stephen: that is why? that is why. still, adams seems more relatable than someone like jefferson. >> for sure. >> stephen: jefferson is like-- i'm not going to go to monticello. might get-- you know, might get freaky while there. >> totally. >> >> stephen: i'm not into that scene. >> the weird inventions. >> stephen: and in this show "billions," you play a federal prosecutor-- >> very relatable people. >> stephen: what's his name? >> chuck roads. >> stephen: chuck roads? >> chuck roads. sounds like an ice cream flavor. >> stephen: it does. chuck roads. that's his name. >> stephen: but what you can relate to what, a lot of people can relate to is wanting to stick to a billionaire. >> yes. >> stephen: especially after the financial collapse of 2008, we're all kind of suspicious of billionaires, right? >> yes. >> stephen: at least wall street billionaires?
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i mean, for sure, but the crooked ones are the problem. i mean, i don't know-- i-- it's a question of whether money is evil to begin with. but, i mean, having it i don't think -- >> it's just the root of all evil. it's not evil itself. >> that's right. it's simply the cause. >> stephen: some of my best friends are billionaires. >> is that right. >> stephen: i call them my best friends. they don't know it yet. we had damien on last week and i pointed out everyone in america works for, like, one of 12 billionaires. >> that's true, pretty much. >> stephen: are you the hero of this, or is the billionaire the hero of this? >> i would think the show is kind of unsparing of both sides. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. and i like to think i'm the hero. i don't know whether i'm actually all that heroic in it. but, you know, ultimately, the other guy is breaking the law. it's not like anybody in the federal government has ever broken any laws. >> stephen: uh-huh... ( laughter ) one interesting thing about whether or not you're a good guy or a bad guy is that i like to be prepared when i meet my guests. i like to know something about the project they're doing. >> okay. >> stephen: i like you, i like
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i like the whole idea. so over the christmas break i was sitting around with my wife and kids and i said, "let's watch "billions"." so i put it in the little machine, and the very opening scene is you, like, hogtied with a ball gag and a dominatrix. her foot your chest. >> she puts out a cigarette -- >> i didn't get that far. >> really? >> stephen: let's go get some ice cream, kids. let's go outside. or fight with machetes. anything other than watch the rest of this. >> i'm sorry to hear that. >> stephen: really? >> yes. you missed a teachable moment with your family there. you missed a very. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: kids-- >> you missed a teachable -- >> kids, it's-- >> it's very important. >> stephen: kids, have a safe word. have a safe word. perhaps "take all my land." >> that's a handy one. >> stephen: safe word to have. >> very good. >> stephen: i just said he's just trying to eat a very tough apple.
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roughage is so important. >> absolutely! >> stephen: so your character has a dark side. >> he has an alternative side. i don't know that it's dark necessarily. >> stephen: having a cigarette put out on your chest isn't dark? >> not to some people. i was actually very excited to do it. not excited to do it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how deeply. ( cheers and applause ) how deeply did you get into character? >> i was-- i was game. let's say i was game. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> no, it was really interesting. they brought in a special guy to -- >> i would hope so. >> yes, they did. to tie me up. i never saw this guy on the set again, just this one time. and he was really trussing me up, and he was dead serious about it. he was really gotta go two times around the back of the thigh and the buttocks." and i was like, "who the hell is this guy?" and they got me genuinely trussed up. it was one of those things, the more you move the tighter is gets.
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and it was extraordinary because my reaction to it was really surprising. i fell asleep. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that is not what i expected you to say. >> i had a warm washing feeling go over me. and i just dropped off-- i just... they had to keep-- they had to keep waking me up between takes. "hey, buddy. hey, hey, we're going to shoot, buddy." >> stephen: she's putting a cigarette out on your chest. it's rude not to pay taingz. >> it was crazy. it was the weirdest reaction. i didn't expect that. either. so-- and what episode are we on right now in "billions"? >> stephen: are we done? >> i'm done. >> stephen: on tv, we don't know yet. >> it hasn't even started yet. >> stephen: oh, you sent me a copy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i forgot. i'm in show business! >> well, that's right. slip.
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want to thank you for being welcome to the lifestyle. >> okay. >> stephen: and call a brother up next time. it's better than sleeping pills it sounds like. >> absolutely. no question about it. >> stephen: a pleasure, paul giamatti, lovely to see you "billions" premieres on showtime this sunday at 10 p.m. it's got-- paul giamatti, everybody. we'll be right back.
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featuring new dishes loaded with flavor, alun ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. now, everyone is talking about last night's state of the union where obama stood before america and laid out his vision for how the world should be.
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platform to change the world. as a late-night talk show host, i wield tremendous power. not to brag, but i get 15% off everything at the cbs gift shop. yes, even "big bang theory" belts. it's everything you love about the show, in belt form! ( laughter ) but even my awesome power pales in comparison to the great despots of history: genghis khan. muammar qaddafi. ashton kutcher. ( laughter ) bow down before his boyish charm, lest his henchmen drag you out to the punking fields. these merciless tyrants have but two things in common: one, demanding total obedience. and, two, a big furry hat!
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( cheers and applause ) now that this hat is upon my head, i am endowed with unquestionable power! this is due to my hat's two main attributes: its bigness and its furriness. request and all prochandlations i make while wearing the hat-- i did not make a mistake just now! are now and forever law. let us begin. ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, if someone rejects you on tinder, they must write a three-page essay about what makes them so damn special. ( laughter ) ( applause ) from now on, any telemarketer who calls you during dinner must
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you eat. ( applause ) people who brew beer in their homes may no longer call it beer. they must call their product "sour foamy bucket drink." ( laughter ) ( applause ) if your carry-on luggage is too big to fit in the overhead compartment, you will be placed under the seat in front of you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) henceforth, there shall be no more scenes after the credits. if it wasn't good enough to be in the movie, it's not good enough for me to wait around for. ( applause ) i don't care what thor is doing next. ( laughter ) one day a year, mcdonalds must
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cuisine. ( applause ) sbarros and arby's will be combined into one restaurant, known as s'barbys. henceforth, 50 is the new 40. 60 is the new 50. 70 is the new 60. and dead is the new 80. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the extra day in every leap year must be spent leaping. math is too hard. from now on, the answer is seven. ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, two wrongs do make a right, three wrongs make a left, and ten wrongs get you a free sub.
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anyone using the phrase "awesome sauce" will be pureed. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the hat has spoken! we'll be right back with the guerrilla girls.) wo ll rem l thectspresentati or meetings i gave up my nights for. (music's drums intensify) but ike er ft. t out e, inrdscap nsto is mt so ake (m e me mlots es, undtarry abov 't fe in let me fly any time, t d'tence. giv milana haorvespend.
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2015 professional bull-riding world champion. >> it's going to get serious right now. >> you're good! you're good! ultimately, only history will tell where j.b. falls amongst the great, but you have to be great to do something like that. he looked so happy to be off that bull. please welcome j.b. mauney. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: now, i have to wear a cup to even watch that. ( laughter ) all right. let me ask you something-- when you get on the bull, do you know
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still in the chute? >> sometimes. some don't stand very good at all. >> stephen: now, is it by the bull's reputation? is there a bull every year on the circuit where you go, "i don't want to get on that bull." or, "i really want to get on that bull." >> i want to get on all of them. some guys might be scared of them, but some stand a little better in the chute than others. >> stephen: how did this sport start? did somebody just look at a mad, wild animal and said, "hey, you know what would be fun? watching you get on it?" ( laughter ). >> i've always wondered who come up with the idea of wanting to ride a bull in the first place. i'm not really sure, but i'm glad he did. >> stephen: now, you are the biggest cash winning western sports athlete of all time. you won almost $7 million last year. ( cheers and applause ) what did-- what-- what did the bull win? >> nothing. ( laughter ). >> stephen: do they get to go
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>> yeah. the really good ones -- >> do you go out to stud? >> depends on what night it is. >> stephen: now, okay, how long is the average ride? >> eight seconds. >> stephen: eight seconds! so what do you do with the rest of your day? ( laughter ). >> hopefully if it goes good, whatever i want to do? >> now how do you train for this? >> i got on practice bulls every day when i was younger. >> stephen: really? like behind us here we have a mechanical bull, like a mechanical bull or a real bull bull. >> real. had a pasture right beside my house, and every day i'd get on five or six bulls a day. >> stephen: what was in the bronx. when was your house? >> in north carolina. >> stephen: can i ask about roping the calfs and stuff like that? why do you have to keep roping the calfs? why don't you put them some place where they kane get out? why don't you get one of those invisible fences. >> i have no idea. >> stephen: could you how it's done? >> i guess i could try.
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us a little taste right here, ladies and gentlemen. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: when it's in the rodeo, do they speed up the footage? why is this-- oh, i see. oh, it's getting serious. all right, there we go. there we go. here we are! that's it! get it! ( cheers and applause ) wow. just think-- just think how many ski ball tickets he just won at a chuck e. cheese. j.b. mauney. ladies and gentlemen. the "p.b.r. monster energy
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garden, january 15-17.
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