tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert NBC February 12, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
have a great night and >> jon: stephen colbert! ( band playing "late show" theme ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, hey. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) inspirational.
>> stephen: thanks, everybody. awfully nice, welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. happy martin luther king day, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) happy martin luther king day. happy martin luther king day. did you get me anything? get me anything, jon? >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: did you get me anything for martin luther king day? i checked under my martin luther king day tree this morning and there was nothing there. >> jon: i tweeted. >> stephen: you tweeted? did you tweet for martin luther king day? >> jon: yeah, i did. >> stephen: what did you say? >> jon: i was like, thank you dr. king. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's good. keep it simple. keep it simple. >> jon: right, straight to the point. >> stephen: yeah, just like king himself. >> jon: king. >> stephen: you know, speaking of martin luther king... super bowl 50-- ( laughter )
proper way to transition from this conversation to that, what is written in there. as we get closer to super bowl 50, every sports fan out there is asking the same question: what's going on with wisconsin high school basketball? a lot. ( laughter ) because the wisconsin inter-scholastic athletic association has now banned high-school students in the stands from chanting things like "air ball!" or anything meant to taunt the other team. i think this is crazy. watching basketball without chanting is like watching baseball without napping. ( laughter ) jon, you have played basketball. you were on the national championship high school team, right? >> jon: yes. >> stephen: you got a ring? you got a ring? did they chant when were you doing basketball? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: what were some of the-- did you get "air ball"? >> jon: yeah, air ball was one. >> stephen: uh-huh-- uh-huh. >> "brick..." when you are at the free throw line, they would chant "miss it, miss it, miss it."
you? >> jon: if you practice, then you just put it right in the net. >> stephen: so-- so, no. are you in favor of ending the chanting or keeping the chanting? >> jon: i think you got to keep the chants. it's just part of the game. >> stephen: all right. i agree. that is a national high school champion. ( applause ) and let's face it, high school is a savage cult and kids will chant. ( laughter ) so i want to give high schoolers some phrases that sound good as chants but are not insulting. so instead of "air ball!" try this: >> earl gray. >> stephen: perfect. now are you just celebrating a delicious breakfast tea, you can't get in trouble for that. but wisconsin also banned this chant. "fun-da-men-tals." so kids, just replace that with
>> fondue cheese melts. >> stephen: nothing says wisconsin sports like dippable cheese. ( laughter ) but the w.i.a.a. didn't stop there. they also followed up with this tweet: "we would like to clarify that we do not think chanting "u.s.a." is un-sportsman like when it is intended to be the united states of america. however it has come to our attention that this abbreviation has also been used to disguise the phrase "you suck ass." ( laughter ) which would be deemed un- sportsman like." ( cheers and applause ) i don't know about you, i don't know about you, but hearing the teenagers are using that phrase actually makes me proud. ( laughter ) i believe that is why our founders named it the usa in the first place, to tell king george, "you suck ass!" ( cheers and applause ) but you know-- you know, you know what doesn't suck ass? tonight's show. ( cheers and applause )
>> jon: right. >> stephen: that is how you do it. >> jon: right. >> stephen: tonight i will be joined by emmy-winner patricia heaton. she stars-- she stars in the hit sitcom "the middle," which is a great show even if you never watched "the beginning." and then i will talk with legendary music producer quincy jones, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) huge. of course, quincy jones produced michael jackson's "thriller" and can i not wait to hear what he has to say. and also what he has to "mama say mama-sa-mama-coo-sa." and then i will talk to "black lives matter" activist deray mckesson about the legacy of martin luther king. about the legacy of martin luther king. some of my younger viewers may be surprised that it goes beyond mattress sales. we'll also have a musical
"grace" who will be singing a classic quincy jones song. and i hope she asked permission first or this could get awkward. ( band playing ) oh, that fine sound is from national basketball champion jon batiste and stay human. say hello, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) they're about to kick things off, but before they do, one more thing, walmart has plans to close 269 stores, and this time, they're walmart stores. >> tonight stephen welcomes patricia heaton. quincy jones. "black lives matter" activist
and a musical perform by grace. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello, everybody. hey, hey, jon! hey cowboy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. man, i don't know about you, but i could-- i tell you, folks, i don't know about y'all but i could watch those opening credits over and over again. everybody have a good weekend? >> yeah! >> stephen: i had a great one, because for a lot of it i was
and i managed to forget that there was another presidential debate on sunday night. and this time, it was the democrats. hillary clinton, bernie sanders and, i want to say... morton o'muttley? ( laughter ) millton o'mangle. munchme muffler-- no, i was so close this weekend to remaining blissfully unaware of this debate. but they got me at the last second, when i was flipping channels between "downton abbey" and "billions," because like bernie sanders i love watching rich people suffer. and i'm not the only one who wasn't aware of it. because this whole election, democrats have been hiding. but this was the worst: >> this time we have a sunday night on a holiday weekend. there are nfl football playoffs and as somebody mentioned to me on twitter, "downtown abbey" on tonight. >> it's going against "downtown abbey," a new episode. >> why sunday night? i mean, sunday night is "downton
"madame detective" night. >> stephen: yes, last night, america would rather have watched "madame detective," a tv show that, for the record, does not exist. ( laughter ) still, it sounds pretty good. i would watch "madame detective." i believe they're going to show the next democratic debate after the closing credits of "the fantastic four." so, since you couldn't see it through the romulan cloaking device they threw over the debate, let me sum it up for. bernie accused hillary of popping champagne with her wall street buddies in the hot tub of the tears of poor people. hillary said bernie's record on guns means he has innocent blood on his hands that no amount of that hippie dr. bronner's soap can wash off. but the biggest revelation about these candidates did not come out of the debate. in an interview with time magazine, bernie sanders dropped a bombshell about his past that
>> as president, you have to preside over estate dinners, you have to host the white house correspondents dinner. >> let me go on record, you ready for this? you got a scoop, ready for a scoop? here it is. i do not own a tuxedo. never have i worn a tuxedo. >> stephen: that's right, never has bernie sanders worn a tuxedo. ever. possibly, because they don't make tuxedos in rumpled tweed. ( laughter ) even-- even at bernie's own wedding, he wore a blue suit with a red tie. he looked like he is running for president of his own marriage. ( laughter ) i think i know what truly is going on here. when senator sanders said he has never worn a tuxedo, what he secretly wants to share with the american people, is that he never got to go to prom. i mean he would have worn a tuxedo if he had been to prom. this explains everything. who is more obsessed with inequality than an unpopular high-school student? ( as bernie sanders )
will go to the top 1% of the basketball team. making out under the bleachers with the cheerleader should be a rite, not a privilege. especially if you just got your braces off. we need to regululate our locker manufacturers so that when non- athletic students get shoved inside the locker, they can be opened from the inside. it is a national shame. there needs to be equal redistribution. there must be redistricting of cafeteria seats so that everyone has someone to sit with at lunch as well as equal time for discussing non-sports conversation topics such as the visionary science fiction of arthur c clarke." ( laughter ) so america, i think there is only one thing for us to do here. to get bernie into a tux and to give him the closure he needs from high school, we have to ask bernie sanders to the prom. and to that end i created this image available on our website.
into, of you on a prom date with senator sanders. the theme of the prom, of course, "enchantment under our unfair financial system." ( laughter ) so download the image at colbert late show.com and upload your version to twitter with the hashtag berniepromposal. and together as a nation we can officially ask bernie sanders to prom. if the night goes well, you won't just be feeling the bern, the bern might be feeling you. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with
it'sust ma walitgh oheneaseand om goo.her... ...all around-tough-cleaner, mr. clean. is tis n?ah. tooto b. doy thitled seix pack. it's called inat it's called lsat (buzzind)roan fi som tha not too good true. oscar mayer tural tuey b we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology.
fe dke tsaouysic. rht b >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest next started his career in the b-bop era, took center stage in the 1960s and has remained at the center of pop culture and civil rights ever since. please welcome quincy jones. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now mr. jones, lovely to see you again. >> what's up? ( laughter ) >> stephen: not much, what's up with you?
>> stephen: now because i met you once before, i feel entitled may i call you q? >> absolutely. >> stephen: how did you get >> well, i was raised in chicago, i was born in chicago. ( applause ) >> second city. but in the '30s, boy, it was no joke. no joke at all. my mother was taken away in a straight jacket when i was seven, so we were like street rats in chicago. and my father was a carpenter, building homes for the jones boys, probably the most notorious-- in the history of america. i'm doing a movie on it every day i saw dead bodies, tommy guns, piles of money, liquor, you know, it was unbelievable in the '30s. >> stephen: and how does that get to the music again? fascinating story but how does that get to the movie. >> gradually. >> stephen: okay. anything better than this?
is in 1941, they made about $120 million, equivalent to $1 billion back then. >> stephen: what, this gang did. >> it was a black gang, most notorious gangsters in the history of america. i'm doing a movie on it. i am! >> stephen: i believe you. i would never challenge you on that. never challenge you on that. >> jones boys. they are unbelievable. and i remember i cut his daughter's hair when i was seven years old, she was five, she asked me to give her a haircut, i cut all her hair off. he said "you know who her father is?" they looked like sister, unbelievable. >> stephen: back to the music again. because i have heard a lot of color, a lot of local color. >> it was gradual. and so-- . >> stephen: like what was your first instrument. >> so they made-- all that money and capone, al capone ran them out of chicago and sent them through mexico. >> stephen: really? are there like the descendant of that gang still there? >> yeah, i talked to the granddaughters last week. >> stephen: wow.
beautiful, elegant people. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> but he ran them to mexico and my father's best friend was one of the most notorious, took five sawed off shot guns to kill them. they were tough. >> stephen: and. >> you think it is bad now? >> stephen: yeah, okay. so was it a piano? or-- . >> these guys were getting to-- >> stephen: a trumpet. >> what happened was we went out there and we wanted to be baby gangsters. >> stephen: so you wanted to like be made men of your own. >> gangsters. we went in an armory and we heard there was some lemon meringue pie, we knew everything. >> stephen: that sounds like gangster work, my friend. >> that's right, 11 years old. >> stephen: going for the lemon pie, were you. >> 11:35, right on the dot, ate up all the pie and ice cream, had pie fights. and then we went around individually and broke in all
>> stephen: yeah. >> we were gangsters, man. >> stephen: it sounds like it. it does not sound like you are "musicians" yet. >> i haven't gotten there yet. >> stephen: i want to warn our affiliates, we might be going long. >> after we ate up all the pie and had fights with it and everything, we went individually to different offices and broke into offices. i went into the supervisor's office and there was a piano in the corner. >> stephen: piano! >> and i almost-- well, it was amazing. i went over, i closed the door and something said "idiot, go back in that room and check that piano out." and i didn't know human beings played instruments, i really didn't. so i went over to that piano slowly and i touched it. and every cell in my body said this is what you are going to do the rest of your life. >> stephen: wow. >> so the next day i started to play sousa phone, tuba, baritone, french horn, trombone,
be next the majorettes. >> stephen: so you made all kinds of music. and now you've actually got away, i want to get this out here. this is actually a way for all of us to hear music a new way. you have this thing, called the a.k.g.n.-90. this is the q, this is the quincy jones headphone. and... >> my daughter designed these. >> stephen: okay. now these headphones go for $1,500 apiece. now-- i understand that they are personalized. i only can hear out of one ear, can i get these for $750? ( laughter ) >> we have another line coming out. >> stephen: another line coming out. >> we will accommodate. >> stephen: all right. are these available now? >> very shortly. i this think they are available now, yeah. >> stephen: i've got one here in my hands, onassumes if can i get them, anybody can. uh-huh, and are you listening to these yourself? >> yes, it makes my soul melt. >> stephen: really.
we put a lot of work into this, you know. what you want to hear. after all this time, you know, you really are fussy about how you listen stuff. but you have e.d.m. and disco and hip-hop in one strata, jazz and classical another one. all you have to do is just decide, do like that. click it on. >> stephen: to change the settings. >> and the thing is not what your ear likes. >> stephen: it has an eq in it? >> it is-- nothing le it on the street. we just won rst place in c.e.s., you know. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: you know what, there's also nothing like quincy jones on the street. ladies and gentlemen, the great quincy jones.
use shers ade rgrea notuff recently we've noticed some ads created by these two birdsinviou t awa thak fine dex.wellwindexrs tds rom cl cln gl betan dglas on'tnd forir.e wi we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology.
>> stephen: q? >> number one in australia, number one in england, next number one in america, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my baby lady from australia, grace, singing "you don't own me." ( cheers and applause ) you don't own me i'm not just one of your many toys you don't own me don't say i can't go with other boys
and don't tell me what to say and, please, when i go out with you don't put me on display 'cause, you don't own me don't try to change me in any way you don't own me don't tie me down 'cause i'll never stay don't tell me what to do don't tell me what to say just let me be myself that's all i ask of you i'm young and i love to be young i'm free and i love to be free to live my life the way that i want
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. before we go, i have a special announcement about babies. so if you don't know how babies are made, leave the room now. it's going to get graphic. i am proud to announce that we have three brand new additions to the colbert nation. first, when we were in
weere also in reproduction. because we wwelcome samuel buckly born to michael buckly and my multitalented producer nicole sevini. i have to say samuel is the greatest thing nicole has ever produced. up until daniel craig was able to do the whole scene while holding his head upright, get to work. and a few weeks ago we were joined by decker charles mathison, son of rebecca and andrew mathison, seen here planning a jewelry heist, evidently. ( laughter ) andrew is one of our crack editors here at the late show, so decker, with andrew as your dad, your home movies will be good enough to air on cbs's procedurals. there are plenty of crimes that babies can solve. after all, what is peek-a-boo but an ongoing missing person's case. and we also welcomed mirastar clark cohen, whose parents are katherine clark and my writer aaron cohen. aaron is an incredible writer,
of writing all my adjectives, without him here on staff, i feel-- i don't know what word to use. that was his job. luckily, we've hired an adjective temp and i think it will work out just lumpy. of course you will notice that all these children were conceived before we started work on the show. that's not a coinsedense. that was the last time anyone here was able to make physical contact with the loved one. so to all the new col-babies, i would like to offer a piece of advice when you begin your lives, when the ball goes behind the couch, don't worry, it still exists. that's it for the late show, everyone. now stick around for my friend james corden. good night, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs