tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
thanks for coming. >> jimmy: we have so much to get to tonight. we have so many important things tonight. i'm going to solve all your problems tonight but first, i have a joke from my mother. my mother texted me a joke this morning. a donald trump joke. do you want to hear it? [ applause ] >> jimmy: the correct answer is no. all right. so this came in. it came in at 10:05:00 a.m. we used to love donald duck. now we have another donald that makes us want to duck. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now you see where i get it. actually took time. oh i got a good one and typed it. sent it to me. but as funny as my mother is she has nothing on mitt romney. i'll tell you that. mitt romney this morning made a televised speech in which he
he called him a phony and a fraud. he said he's playing the american public for suckers. i haven't seen mitt this fired up since that time he dripped mayonnaise on a new pair of chambray dockers. he had steam coming out. i love him making the decision to speak out. mitt, don't do this. i'm sorry, ann, but someone has to step up and save this nation. it's like watching your dad march out to the black top to have a talk with the schoolyard bully. no good could come out of it. he went after him and the mitt hit the fan. >> donald trump is a phony and a fraud. his promises are as worthless as a degree from trump university. he's playing the members of the american public for suckers. he gets a free ride to the white
donald trump tells us that he is very, very smart. i'm afraid that when it comes to foreign policy, he is very, very not mart. thank you. >> jimmy: good one, mitt. mitt romney is the big gun the republicans sent in to stop trump, they're in a lot of trouble. it's like sending a meter maid in to break up a prison riot. trump of course responded as he often does by releasing this video from 2012 when romney was running for president. >> donald trump has shown an extraordinary ability to understand how our economy works, to create jobs for the american people. i spent my life in the private sector. not quite as successful as this guy but successful nonetheless. so i want to say thank you to donald trump and look forward to seeing you out on the trail. thank you, donald. >> jimmy: yeah, that's how -- we
between professional wrestlers than politicians and it's important to remember that. meanwhile donald trump is trying his hardest to be more presidential lately. he even started to offer specifics about stuff. he released his health care plan yesterday and it's pretty good. you have a protein shake for breakfast and another one for lunch and sensible dinner and it works. no, the plan claims it will reduce the number of individuals needing access to programs like medicaid. which i'm sure it will. if trump becomes president it will reduce the number of individuals living in the united states. here's trump touting his fantastic new health care plan. >> if you like health care you'll love trump health care. treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer. you can enjoy the world's greatest health care in your own home with family, friends, any time and believe me, i understand health care. it's my favorite food.
care, i've just raised the stakes. trump health care, the world's greatest health care. and i mean that in every sense of the word. and the sharper image is the only store where you can buy health care. >> jimmy: that seems inconvenient. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, you know el chapo is back in prison. back in the mexican prison from which he escaped. you know el chapo, right? fans? he wants to come to the united states. he's asking to be extradited because the fwaurdguards won't let him sleep. they move him around so he can't tunnel out and there's a dog barking outside of his cell all night long and i guess it's driving him crazy. he's quoted as saying my head and my ears always hurt and i feel bad all over. oh, that poor baby. somebody needs to do something.
with el chapo crashing on a futon at sean penn's house? speaking of boisterous dogs, they're in the spotlight for providing us this. new edition of excellence in reporting. >> a crazy weekend here. we got a dog, we're in frazier right now. go on. i got a dog that's apparently taken a liking to me. down boy, get out of here. it's a stray dog. i tell you what, we're going to come back to you because i can't get this thing to leave me alone. we'll be back. >> jimmy: all right. that's why they say not to fill your jacket pockets with snausages. tonight in detroit there's another republican debate. this one hosted by fox news
megyn kelly since their feud in august. trump skipped the last fox debate so this was what they called the big rematch and i think it says a lot about this campaign in general that it's front runners arch rival is the moderator instead of one of the other candidates. trump was there rubio was there, cruz was there, that other guy john something was there and dr. ben carson was not there. ben carson is giving a speech tomorrow at which he is expected to suspend his campaign. suspend means end. why they don't just call it end, i don't know. either way, all indications are that ben carson is out of the race for president. which is a shame. america needs a sleepy president. dr. carson i think should not be forgotten and to make sure that he's remembered by the next generation we broke a book to pay tribute to him. something for the kids. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's called goodnight ben. would you like me to read this
i would love to. all right. here we go. we'll put it up on the screen. in ben carson's bedroom there is a phone and a red balloon and ben and jesus jumping over the moon. good night scaple, good night brain, good night pyramids filled with grain. good night lion, goodnight crab, goodnight friend he tried to stab. goodnight guns goodnight sled, goodknight crazy [ bleep ] he said. good night stars, good night sky, evolution is a lie. so say goodnight and go to bed. make room for marco, make room for ted. goodnight tree and goodnight stump.
[ applause ] we'll take a break. when we come back from the break the dumbest game show ever and this week an unnecessary censorship too, stick around. we'll be right back. jimmy kimmel live brought to you by jcpenney. ah, a classic case of who dunnit? luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can claim his innocence with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know.
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it's time to play on the money. cousin sal is standing by with our first contestant. jimmy, how you doing? >> doing good, how about yourself. >> jimmy: where are you from, jimmy? >> mississippi. >> jimmy: are you on vacation? look at that character behind you. are you here on vacation? >> yes. >> jimmy: how long are you in town? >> for the weekend. i'm actually moving here actually from mississippi i'm here trying to get set up. >> jimmy: you're moving here for the weekend. this seems very sketchy already. >> i just moved in. i'm trying to pursue a career. >> don't let him clown on you. >> jimmy: we have a whole show going on in the background behind you. just fyi. we're going to start with a penny. please show the penny cousin sal. don't show it to jimmy, though. your job is to tell me who is on
>> look like abraham lincoln. >> jimmy: what do you mean looks like abraham lincoln? that is correct. now here's the big question. do you want to stop there and keep the penny or do you want to keep going and try your luck with a nickel. >> let's try our luck with the nickel. >> i just got to say if you get the nickel wrong you don't get to keep the penny okay. >> okay. that's fine. >> jimmy: wow, he's going for it everybody. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i like. all right who, jimmy, is on the nickel? >> looks like george washington. >> jimmy: why do you keep saying looks like? are you seeing a nickel right now? >> oh, man. >> he's seeing a hot of things. >> jimmy: jimmy, i'm sorry. it's thomas jefferson. i'm so sorry to see that happen but we do have a consolation prize for you. it's on the money the home game.
play that back in mississippi, all right? all right. let's get somebody else in there. hi there. how are you doing? >> good, how are you? >> jimmy: well. where are you from? >> houston texas. >> jimmy: so you're not with jimmy. >> i'm not with jimmy. >> jimmy: i just figured you were a duo. what do you do for a living? >> i'm an architect. >> jimmy: are you here on vacation? >> i am. >> jimmy: having a good time? >> having a great time. >> jimmy: what's the highlight. >> got here last night and just took a tour so i know a little bit about all the areas in los angeles. >> jimmy: i like that. i do the same thing. start with a tour and explore from there. do you know your presidents? >> yes i do. >> jimmy: very good. all right. so it's time to play on the money. the game works like this. we'll start with a penny. tell me who is on the penny. >> lincoln. >> jimmy: that is correct.
now do you want to keep going? and do you want to guess who is on the nickel or do you want to take that penny home? >> i'll guess who is on the nickel. >> jimmy: he's going for it, everybody. i love it. have you thought about what you might do with the money if you win? >> well, in los angeles, not much. >> jimmy: all right. who kerry is on the nickel? >> jefferson. >> jimmy: that is correct. >> wow. >> jimmy: all right. do you want to try to double that money? what does the audience think? should he go for it? >> i'll do it. >> jimmy: he's going to go for it. he's going to go for it. >> jimmy, i don't know if you could tell from in there but i'm shaking. i'm shaking right now.
kerry, who is on the dime? >> roosevelt. >> jimmy: are you kidding me? that's right. now you got a dime. do you want to take that dime and head back home or do you want to go -- do you want to go for the quarter? >> i'll go for the quarter. >> jimmy: he's going for the quarter. he is going for the quarter. >> can i just say i know you made your decision. i've seen too many people lose at this. are you sure? you have 16 cents. you could walk away a winner. >> i'll do it. >> jimmy: he's going to do it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: kerry, who is on the quarter? >> god, it's -- franklin. >> jimmy: franklin? oh, no.
oh, kerry, i'm sorry. but cousin sal is going to have to take all your money back. i'm so sorry but we do have a -- yes, we do have a consolation prize for you. >> i warned you. i warned you. >> jimmy: okay. well, you know what, that's all the time we have. that's a real shame but it gets wild. gambling is a -- that is ridiculous. i don't know why i felt the same emotions i feel watching who wants to be a millionaire there. well we'll do that again sometime. do we even have time for unnecessary censorship anymore? we have a good show for you here tonight. jason bateman is on the show and aja naomi king and ceelo green. we'll be right back with jason bateman. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live
find new roads. ah, a classic case of who dunnit? luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can claim his innocence with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth. shopping for an suv?well, this is the time.and your ford dealer isthe place, to get 0% financing for 60months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape...and expedition... are available with 0% financingfor 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help yoube unstoppable.
woman: ok, nice job. mark, way better than yesterday. maria, that delivery felt alittle forced. and steve, steve: yeah? woman: i am still missing that raw emotion. woman: pretty awesome for atuesday, but tomorrow is hump day, so let's really bring it! lucky for life. win a thousand dollars a day, every day, for life. >> jimmy: tonight, from "how to get away with murder," which aired earlier tonight on abc, aja naomi king. then, his album is calle -- "heart blanche," ceelo green from the samsung stage. his concert, "ceelo green, live
directv and u-verse. tonight he is doing a very beautiful song called robin williams. next week on the show we will have naomi watts, ray romano viola davis, john legend, connie britton, isla fisher, chloe bennett, louis c.k., plus, music from eliot sumner, the wild feathers, st. lucia, and the suffers. >> jimmy: and if you missed our "live after the oscars" special or only saw parts of it online, we're airing it again tomorrow night with ben affleck, chris rock, tracy morgan, nathan lane, matthew broderick, henry cavill, jesse eisenberg, sacha baron cohen, alicia vikander. and we tried to edit matt damon out of the show, but it screwed everything up, so that jerk will be in there too. that's tomorrow night, at our regularly scheduled time. >> our first guest has been entertaining us for more than 30 years, and frankly, he's exhausted, but he soldiers on, lending his voice and talent
"zootopia." >> well now wait a minute. polar bear fur, rat pack music, fancy cop. i know whose car this is we have to go. >> whose car is it? >> the most feared crime boss. they call him mr. big and he does not like me. we have to go. >> this is a crime scene. >> it's going to be a bigger crime scene if mr. big finds me here so we're leaving right now. >> raymond and is that kevin? long time, no see. speaking of no see how about you forget you saw me? huh? for old times sake. >> that's enough. >> jimmy: "zoopotia" opens tomorrow. please say hello to jason
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. welcome. very good to see you. >> wow. >> jimmy: no belt huh? is that a new thing? no belt? >> i don't think you're supposed to do a belt jimmy. >> jimmy: what do you mean? why wouldn't you do a belt? >> i understand that but amanda tells me -- >> jimmy: your wife? >> that's my wife. i'm going to do what she says. that you don't need a belt anymore. molly does not hip you into the fashion 411. >> jimmy: i'm not as hip as you are. i'm embarrassed now. i'm going to take my belt off right now. >> let's do it. [ applause ] >> these guys missed a heavy baseline. >> jimmy: how you doing? >> you don't listen to what molly says. >> jimmy: she didn't tell me not to wear a belt.
i don't dress great. outside of this show i wear a suit for an hour and i'm a hobo the rest of the time. >> what about the beard? >> jimmy: she likes the beard. that's why it's still on the face. >> does jane like the beard? >> jimmy: my daughter, jane. >> your mistress. >> jimmy: figured i'd throw that in there so there's no confusion. i told you not to mention jane on the show. our weekends alone are our weekends alone. >> they bought you have a kid. >> jimmy: speaking of kids are going to go nuts for it. rotten tomatoes, no bad reviews. that's very good. >> i've never been in a 100% film. >> jimmy: it's your first 100%. >> i'm not actually in it. you just hear me in it but i'll take the thumbs up. >> jimmy: how old were you when
>> 10. >> jimmy: and honestly. you look the same as before you cracked puberty. you really do look very youthful. >> thank you. >> jimmy: is it just luck? >> it's a lot of work. i get a lot of cheap work done. they put a velcro strap in here a couple of years ago and i cinch that up before i do tv and i listen to my wife. >> jimmy: what does she tell you? >> to hydrate. with water, skin, lotion, toner crap. and i don't want to do all of that but i live with her and if she's not happy i hear about it. >> jimmy: right. >> sometimes it can be dangerous. a couple of weeks ago -- she has been on me to get a facial, you know? >> jimmy: why?
she -- because she just thinks maintenance is like, you have to keep up with it. >> jimmy: okay. >> i consider myself a guy's guy. i do like a good massage. don't get me wrong. but the facials, the manicures and toe stuff that's not me. >> jimmy: they're pedicures by the way. >> that's it. she and a buddy gang up on me and get me this facial for my birthday and i finally schedule it and i go in there and i do it. and i walk in and the gal says, you going to want to go ahead and take your clothes off and put this robe on and meet me in the back room where the hot tub is. and i immediately want to quick dial my wife and ask her what's on this package.
>> but i go with it and i take my clothes off and put the robe on and go down to the room at the end of the hallway and there's nothing but a hot tub in there. it's on the border of beverly hills. so i'm trusting. just go with it. and she's in there, nice enough woman. the tub looks like a -- looks like a pot you put seafood in. it's bubbling and it's hot. and so she says jump in. and she's not leaving. and not only does it look hot but i've been married 15 years. no one has seen this anything for 15 years and i'm a shy guy. so i try to position myself where she can't see me once i drop the robe and i find that position. but i'm going to get right in the water. it's bubbling so i can get everything under and she can't -- she's not going to see
so i jump in there. i lose a good layer of skin getting in there. so already the derma, first layer of derma is gone which is part of the treatment. so i'm feeling pain but i'm assuming beauty, right? so i'm in there, it's really hot. i'm trying to smile. she says i'm going to see you in 20 minutes and then we'll continue with the rest of the program. so she leaves. i figure 20 minutes, that's a lot. five minutes goes by, ten minutes goes by. i'm super hot. i'm tingling, sweating. starting to see different colors. i power through it. so 20 minutes goes by. she comes in and she says, okay, next up. sorry i don't have a pair of disposable boxers for you. i said what's that for? she said now i'm going to clean you.
i'm pretty clean. i'm hot but i'm clean. and she says don't worry about it. she hits the but top and the bubbles stop, so now i'm in an aquarium. [ applause ] >> so now i'm sweating double because of the anxiety. she snaps on a couple of like gloves and hits it with some liquid soap, pulls a full leg up out of the water and starts rubbing the leg trying to exfoil exfoliate what i have left. she is making small talk and says now we have to hose you off with ice water. i'm already feeling like a broccoli or a lobster or something and i guess you blanche it, right, with cold water? she says stand up i have to hose you off.
everything is wrong. she hoses me off. she leaves. she says meet me down in the massage room. i start to towel off and i'm starting to feel terrible. i'm starting to really see spots now and i'm feeling nauseous. >> for real? >> totally light headed. because i've lost a great deal of water. she has boiled me like a clam, you know? and now i go down and i take a knee because i feel like i might -- the lights might go out. and i want to get closer to the ground. i see a chair in the corner. i start to shimmy over there on my knees and that's the last i remember. now i'm done. i'm out. i've completely dehydrated and i'm unconscious. because the next thing i know i wake up. i'm sitting in the chair much like this. my first image is just a hand towel or a face towel that's on
and there's cold water being poured on me by a coffee mug from three eastern european women now saying god is great. thanks god. he's still alive. and there's 7 paramedics around me. i was unresponsive for seven minutes. this is what my wife has done to me to keep the elasticity going. i had to get on the phone with cedar sinai saying that i'm refusing transport. i'm like, you're not taking me out on a gourney on to sunset boulevard naked on a wednesday afternoon. they're going to think i'm some guy on a bender that just wanted to get pulled on for the afternoon, you know? >> jimmy: how was the facial? >> i didn't make it to the facial. >> jimmy: you didn't get a facial. >> but it was paid for so i had to return a week later to get
>> jimmy: you did not? >> i did. >> jimmy: wow. that's ridiculous. jason bateman everybody. "zootopia" opens in theaters everywhere tomorrow. we'll be right back. alright, let's do this. i got minds to twist and values to warp. mr. tyler, your skittles portrait. that is e to the z oh twiddly dee-sgusting! you haven't heard me sing diddly-ding yet. dream on! higher. dream on! i think a little higher! dreammmm onnnnnnnn! dreammm onnnn!
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drive. >> jimmy: before we march ahead it's thursday night. that means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it's this week in unnecessary censorship. >> hollywood is still all a buzz after the academy awards and one of the biggest stories of the night was leo's big [ bleep ]. >> fighting about the size of donald trump's [ bleep ]. >> who would have believed it. >> [ bleep ] you texas. >> it's a great dog [ bleep ] day. >> ohio for john kasich. >> well, marco rubio called him a [ bleep ]. >> slightly compressed due to gravity in space. that compression is no longer present causing [ bleep ] to
>> i want to underscore that. there could not be a bigger [ bleep ]. >> mr. trump welcome back to fox news sunday. >> [ bleep ] you. >> you're going first. >> i think people in america are [ bleep ]. >> by the end of tonight we are going to [ bleep ] many hundreds of [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with aja naomi king. alling out of the sky. some people sleep on water. people think it's funny to push others into water. and smart people, like this person, say there's about to be even more water. there's about to be even more water. when water freezes, people play on it. when it bubbles, people sit in it. when it moves, people slide down it. ok, smile. in fact, there's so much water out there, why in the world would you get a phone that can't get wet? ok, try again.
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with real fruit. >> jimmy: our next guest is part of the most homicidal group of interns in the history of higher education. her show is called, "how to get away with murder." it airs thursdays at 10:00 on abc. please say hello to aja naomi king. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you look fantastic. thank you for coming. >> thank you.
>> jimmy: your show got picked up for a third season today. >> yes. >> jimmy: congratulations. i should say assuming you will make it to the end of this season alive. >> it's only a congratulations to those that survive. >> jimmy: exactly. it's bitter for the others, isn't it? >> yeah. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> i'm from walnut, california. >> jimmy: where is walnut, california? >> walnut is southeast los angeles. like the 101 south to the 60 east. >> jimmy: what goes on there? >> there's a walnut creek up north. we're walnut without the creek. >> jimmy: you'll get a creek soon. don't worry. >> one day. >> jimmy: does walnut has a walmart? >> yes. >> jimmy: that's all you need. >> that and target. >> jimmy: what was your first acting job?
job out of school was working at disneyland. >> jimmy: what was that like? >> that was my first acting job because i had to act very happy all the time. >> jimmy: you weren't? >> it gets a little crazy at disneyland. it's a little more hardcore than people would think. >> jimmy: it loses some of the charm. >> a little bit of the luster was gone. >> jimmy: what did you do at disneyland? >> i was an indiana jones cast member. >> jimmy: did you dress up? >> yeah, we had the skorts and the hats and the tie. >> jimmy: when you get a job at disneyland is that one of the costumes you hope you get to wear or don't have to wear? >> well, summers in california are hot so it's not so fun to be that well-dressed. >> jimmy: you don't want to have that on. what are your responsibilities? >> well, the biggest one is
kids coming through the park. that is a big safety issue. a lot of parents like to try and get their kids through the ride. >> jimmy: do you ever have adults -- we have a producer here at the show, his name is jason. and sometimes jason is -- i don't know if he would make the height requirement on the ride. if an adult didn't make it would you just put him on and if he flies off, what are you going to do? >> there are like ten other safety checks. so if he came by me i would probably just let him go through. i wouldn't want to be the one to say i'm sorry, sir. young man. >> jimmy: but that probably does happen, doesn't it? >> that might happen. >> jimmy: oh my god, what a nightmare that would be. and there's no height limit, right? you can be as tall as you want to get on the ride. >> that's a good question. i don't know.
people that get the short end of the stick. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's terrible. >> i know. >> jimmy: did you go from that job right into acting? >> i went to school for many, many years. >> jimmy: you went to school? did you quit? >> i did stop working at disneyland and quitting that job started a long line of me quitting by just not showing up anymore. >> jimmy: so instead of telling them i don't want to be here anymore you let them figure it out for themselves? >> yeah. like i guess she's not coming in today either. >> jimmy: so what did places do when you do that? i did do that once, actually? yeah but it was the first day and i just left at lunch and never went back. >> well, with disneyland i had to give the costume back but i could not bring myself to go and do that to my father went for me. >> jimmy: what a bad lesson that is. what a very bad lesson.
good father, bad father right there. >> he should have made me go but i wouldn't have gone. >> jimmy: was he wearing the hat? here it is. >> it would have looked good on him. >> jimmy: that's interesting. what don't we know about disneyland. they say there's a jail there. >> i've never seen a jail there but there's a lot of intricate tunnels going throughout the park so that you can walk around what's called backstage without being on stage where the rest of the guests are. >> jimmy: they don't want them to see you. no one wants to see mickey with his head off. well i do. you'd think a giant mouse would be scarier. >> he's all soft and cuddly. >> jimmy: where do they put you? >> there's a couple of food places back there to eat. you just -- it's like being in the kitchen of a restaurant. it's not glamorous or anything. but yeah.
you're working for disney again now in a way. >> i know. i love disney. >> jimmy: i hope you don't get in trouble for this. >> i love disney so much. >> jimmy: if you try to walk off how to get away with murder, she'll send huck to your house with a power drill. it's very nice to meet you. congratulations on the show and all of your success. aja naomi king, everybody. "how to get away with murder" airs thursdays at 10:00 pm on abc. we'll be right back with ceelo green. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live
"robin williams," ceelo green. oh what a night oh what a night tears in my eyes staring up at the sky in disbelief i've got a voice in my head voice in my head that's what it said all we really need is some comic relief but i'm afraid of not being able to laugh anymore oh what's life going to become once we don't have anymore heroes we don't know what the next man's going through wish i could say it in a plainer way i said we don't know life reminds me
we've got to laugh the pain away we don't know what the next man's going through wish i could say it in a plainer way i said we don't know life reminds me of robin williams we've got to laugh the pain away laugh the pain away john belushi knew you and me better than we knew ourselves and we all listen to richard pryor yeah i think don't make philip seymour hoffman often now he's one of the things we lost in the fire but i'm afraid of
to laugh anymore ohh what's life going to become once we don't have anymore heroes we don't know what the next man's going through wish i could say it in a plainer way i said we don't know life reminds me of robin williams we've got to laugh the pain away we don't know what the next man's going through wish i could say it in a plainer way i said we don't know life reminds me of david bowie we've got to dance the pain away
>> tonight, a political bear knuckle brawl and now the gop can dits insults reaching a new are they small hands. >> amidst the rematch with megyn kelly. off the debate stage. >> donald trump is a phony. >> firing back against mitt romney. >> he would have dropped to his knees. >> plus sports reporter and dancing with the stars co-host erin andrews viral nightmare. taking the stand in her civil suit over a secretly recorded video by a stalker and addressing the painful false accusations that it was a publicity stunt. 30 years after the original. >> let's go. >> i'm sorry. >> it's the return of ghost busters with an all female crew. the hotly anticipated first look at the reboot.