tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 25, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hello, people! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." thank you so much, everybody! (cheers and applause);or listen to that crowd! (crowd chanting stephen) thank you up there, down there! all of you watching the tv! thank you so much. welcome to "the late show," everybody! i'm stephen colbert. sounds like you people could clap like that all night! (cheers and applause) is everybody excited for the oscars this weekend? you guys going to watch it? (cheers and applause)
i'm not sure what happened. they are this sunday, at 8:30 eastern, which means the pre-show began an hour ago. and i am pumped. i love having an oscar viewing party every year. i serve the leftover chili from my super bowl party and the candy from my valentine's trick or treating. no one expects that. (laughter) and i know a lot of people have oscar parties, so i thought i would share some tips on how to make yours great. (cheers and applause) people love tips. here's the first tip. first, don't make the same mistakes the academy did. be sure you have a diverse guest list. (applause) >> jon: yeah, you've got to have some diversity. >> stephen: do what you can. >> jon: got to have it. >> stephen: if all your friends are white, you are a racist. fix that by sunday. (cheers and applause) also, start your party early. watching the red carpet is half the fun, and you do not want to
flashes some side-boob. (applause) tasteful, but racy. if you are in the movie business but were snubbed by the oscars, don't worry, you've still got two days to make the "in memoriam" reel. how bad do you want it? (applause) how bad do you want it? (audience reacts) (laughter) here is another way to spice up your oscars: live tweeting. everybody does it now, but if you're on the iphone the whole time, you won't get to enjoy the ceremony. easy solution: just write your live tweets ahead of time! you can predict what is going to happen. i'm doing mine right now. just to get them out of the way. okay, here we go. number bun. ker -- number one. "spotted on red carpet:
that's a doublecumber! #cumberblessed." (laughter) "it's been two hours and we haven't seen the accountants yet! show us the accountants! #ernstandyum!" (laughter) "ouch! not a good night to announce an all-white remake of 'amistad'! #oscarbuzz." (laughter) oh, oh -- ( band playing ) oh, the band is playing me off. i just want to thank my guests tonight, from "madam secretary," tim daly! (cheers and applause) tim, i love you. i want to thank music legend graham nash! thank you for being there tonight and every night.
and i also want to thank grammy award winner jason isbell, who's doing a performance! you're my rock. (cheers and applause) i also want to thank the band for playing me off! let's hear it for jon batiste and stay human! (cheers and applause) and they told me not to get political, but it is time to allow snowglobes on airplanes. (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes timr daly!i graham nash! and a musical performance by jason_ isbell!
human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, hey! hey! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, everybody! (cheers and applause)xd thankh2=u1 jon! thank you, band! thanks,xd everybody in here, out there! thank you, mark! (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! you know, if i'm not mistaken, thisi is our 100th show, right? (cheers and applause) 100 shows tonight. i want to thank everybody on the staff, i want to thank the band
i want to thank the audience, everybody who works so hard on the show every night. even after all this time, it is hard, some nights, to decide what i should talk about. there is so much going on. should i talk about the fight over the supreme court vacancy or the birth of the boston zoo's new baby goat? oh, my god, he is adorable. (laughter) senate, confirm his nomination. (laughter) fortunately, i don't have to decide what to cover because, tonight, i am relinquishing total editorial control to the... >> audience: wheel! of! news! >> stephen: here's how this works. we have installed a giant spinning wheel on the ceiling of the ed sullivan theater with categories like "entertainment," "politics," "sports", "potpourri."
bolted to the ceiling weighing 17,000 pounds. it could snap off at any second and crush everyone in the balcony-- that is why the tickets are free. (cheers and applause) but you will make it into the in me more yum reel. (laughter) when i pull this lever, the wheel spins, then i talk about whatever category it lands on. long time "wheel of news" viewers know that the first time we spun this thing there was a slight problem in that i did not give my team enough time to work on it. so i had my scenic, brendan, come out from under my desk and spin a smaller wheel. but great news, this week, i was generous and gave my team barely enough time to make the spinning wheel.
(cheers and applause) ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "product recall!" you really have to feign interest in the subject quick than that. (laughter) earlier this week, the mars corporation issued a recall in 55 countries when it was revealed that a woman in germany found red plastic in her snickers bar. just like the slogan: "hungry? why wait?" because you could choke on shards of plastic. (laughter) this discovery left the woman feeling a combination of "hungry" and "angry" that snickers likes to call "litigious." (laughter) pop a wheelie! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "politics!" (cheers and applause) according to the "wall street journal," donald trump's campaign might be destroying marriages, which is shocking. up till now, all trump was destroying is the republican party. (cheers and applause) apparently, trump has been causing husbands and wives to
the face. (laughter) one couple disagrees so strongly that they've instituted a rule: when trump comes on the tv, they switch to the national geographic channel because, when you're married, turning off the tv is not an option. (laughter) let's spin! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) 5000! i won 5000! ( "price is right" theme ) i can't wait to find out of what. spin city! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "a recent study!" (cheers and applause) according to a recent study, both men and women agree that, before settling down with one person, ten is the ideal number of lovers to have, and it should take at least six nights to get
(laughter) the poll found that those who have had more than ten sexual partners were considered to be promiscuous, while having less than ten would be considered "sexually inexperienced." hmm... less than ten makes you inexperienced and more than ten makes you promiscuous. i guess that means that i am... moving on. (cheers and applause) ( wheel clicking ) "clip without context!" (cheers and applause) jim? >> i am very tired. (laughter) >> stephen: more than ten lovers! to the spin zone! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "buy a vowel!"
an "e!" (ding) huh, i am going to say... the "lake show?" (buzzer) oh, shoot, what did i wager? damn it! next subject. ( "price is right" losing. sound ) okay, next topic. ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "three-second drum solo!" (drum solo) (cheers and applause) ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) "mars!" (cheers and applause) you're getting tired. (laughter) nasa researchers are working on a new propulsion system that would allow a spacecraft to reach mars in three days, which means future astronauts won't have to waste all that time in transit before dying alone on mars. (cheers and applause) whoo!
"where's brendan?" (cheers and applause) great question, wheel. he's still under my desk. say hi to brendan, everyone! he's right here! (cheers and applause) you okay? >> yeah. >> stephen: that took a little while for you to get up here. a little cramped down there? >> pins and needles. >> stephen: any feelings in your legs? >> no. >> stephen: i need you to get back down there. say goodbye to brendan, everybody! (cheers and applause) here we go! ( wheel clicking ) ( cheers and applause ) another "recent study!" (cheers and applause) a recent study from the university of konstanz in germany found that eating in the dark can help you lose weight. makes sense. in the dark, there is no way to tell whether you are eating a pint of ice cream or a salad.
( cheers and applause ) "tennis balls!" (cheers and applause) oh! here we go! "sports!" (cheers and applause) america's pastime! other than tonight's sport: soccer. fifa, the international soccer and bribe-taking organization, is ready to elect a new president. last year, a corruption scandal ended the career of former fifa president and gastrointestinal disorder, sepp blatter.
sounds like an unusual name until you find out that "sepp" with two ps is actually short for seppp with three ps. (laughter) and sepp blatter will be a tough name to lose, but, fortunately, two of the candidates to replace him are named jerome champagne and tokyo sexwale. (laughter) (applause) both real human names and things you can buy out of vending machines in japan. (laughter) personally, it takes me a couple jerome champagnes before i'm ready for the tokyo sexwale. (laughter) (applause) fewer than ten! (laughter) so these are the guys to beat,
other promising fifa candidates: okinawa humpdolphin, fluppp bowelsore, johnny t. chandelier, barchibald timecop, sheikh gogurt montoya, kruss snackwagon, admiral flintstone jetson, the cincinnatti hangman. shamwow chia-pet, montgomery no-scruples, swipe bribetaker and the amazing corrupto. (cheers and applause) wheel me! ( wheel clicking ) yay! commercial break! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back with tim daly. stick around! let's do it! (cheers and applause) hi. hi... i love your pants.
these pants are really speaking to me. can i look at the back? ooooooooooooooh! do you even know what you have back there? give me your pants. you should go to old navy. all pants are on sale up to 40% off. ahhhhhh! you guys! i'm gonna get those pants! a bull rider is bold.now, a bull rider on a plane... ...is bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder than bold! and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar... ...in all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... ...bolder than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger. shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60 months on a ford suv.
i need to call my wife. >> he's positive -- ( (beeping) >> how long were you in there. seven, ten minutes. probable exposure! give me the phone now! wait a minute, sir! >> stephen: please welcome tim daly. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, what is is this? you brought a prop? >> i come bearing gifts. i understand it's your hundredth show. >> stephen: it is our hundredth show! (cheers and applause) >> a little token. >> stephen: it's not going to have a spring-loaded snake, is it? >> no.
>> stephen: a tim daly rubrics cube? >> yeah. don't ask where it came from. it's a me cube. >> stephen: all right. if you will look closely, there is one panel that's eric stoltz and a little bit of brat pack in there. >> stephen: is this on different days you can go, i'm really feeling more like this today? >> exactly. >> stephen: it's not i'm feeling myself today. that's really how i feel. >> now, see, that is a complex emotion right there being represented. >> stephen: but you're an actor. you can represent this kind of complex emotion. >> don't ask me to do it now. >> stephen: but you're from a >> yes. >> stephen: your father was on medical center. >> yes. >> stephen: and your sister is tyne daly which everybody loves. if you had decided to do something other than being an actor would your family have gone with that? >> i don't think so. there is a school of thought that says it's a congenital
the generations. >> stephen: an addiction. yes. tyne is an actor, both my children are actors. so i wasn't encouraged. it's an odd thing. it's like growing up in a strange cult. what i remember most about it is when i was in the second or third grade play the other kids would be surrounded by their parents and grandparents and everybody would be saying, oh, you were the best one, you were adorable! and i would get notes, literally, like, okay, so, if you hold your line about poppyx$$*qq" cakes till you cross to the tree, i think you will get a_ laugh. (laughter) you know, so it was work. youngest in the family? >> i am the youngest. >> stephen: that's another reason to be a performer because you already had an audience. >> sort of, yeah. although, i have to say, i have three sisters and they're all quite a bit older than i am, so i was more like a laboratory test animal. >> stephen: they would dress you up and that sort of thing? >> dress me up, paint me.
thought was hilarious, my father at one point fans idea himself a farmer and we had sheep and tha one lamb had projectilei diarrhea -- (audience reacts) i know, bad story. they sent me to feed it and i came back covered in poop, which they thought was hilarious. >> stephen: mary had a little lamb, fleece not that snowy white... >> yes, mary had a little brown lamb and it was me. (laughter)e@&c other skills than actingi because some actors if you dropped them in a different culture, people would go cannibal on them because they have nothing to offer, like me, i have nothing to offer. do you have any real-world skills? >> i used to have some. i went to college for about nine days -- >> stephen: finished that fast, eh? >> yeah, office genius. no, i quit, i wasn't quite ready to. go then i went through a law
i learned carpentry. i met a friend in mexico who called himself el primo. >> stephen: he wasn't describing the stuff he was trying to sell you snonchts, i don't think so. although, he sold floor tile, and i think he had a deal with the border guards because he sold us a tremendous amount of floor tile and we started a tile company that we called the silver dollar tile company. yes! and we had, like, 50,000 square feet of floor tile in los angeles in my father's garage and we would put down these tile floors and put a silver dollar in the corner of every floor we put down and we used up all the tile and went away. >> stephen: what did you do with the money you made from laying the tile? >> we bought_ el primo. (laughter) >> stephen: i wouldn't with surprised if el primo went into
sold it on the street. >> who knows what was with the border guards and what was coming over in the floor tiles, anyway. >> stephen: national security. mm-hmm. >> stephen: "madam secretary." mm-hmm. >> stephen: you are the husband of teea leoni who plays secretary of state and you have an unusual role on television, you are married to a powerful woman and you yourself are not a jerk or a basket case. >> how about that. >> stephen: why do you think that'sr_ so unusual to play a capable man married to a powerful woman? >> it's interesting. i think there is a tradition in television which starts with the honeymooners of an incompetent boob who is a wild dreamer who has a hot and down-to-earth wife who wrangles him and gets him through the day, and a lot of men come up to me and says, thank god you're playing a guy who, when the wife leaves the house, nothing collapses.
in real life when you're by yourself, taking care of the kids? >> i'm very competent. >> stephen: really? i've reached a level of mediocrity in so many things that i'm able to function quite well. >> stephen: not so bad, really! (applause) >> yeah! >> stephen: some days are like this, some days are like this. i'm happy with that. exactly. madeline albright, actual secretary of state was on the show. do you hang out at all like she? >> she's actually -- i refer to h her as my white house accordance dinner girlfriend because i met her at a very heavy table with colin powell and michael bloomberg and captain_ phillips who was captured by the somali pirates -- >> stephen: tom hanks? no. >> stephen: sure? pretty sure.
>> stephen: you sure did. i didn't go to "maddie." we met and she said, pete andxd violet on private practice what are they doing? i said, wait a minute, you're solving geopolitical crises every day and you watch private practice and know my character's names? everybody has their shows. >> stephen: yeah. how many,ix partners have you had? (cheers and applause) we're doing a survey. i was just curious. more than ten, less than ten or goldilocks? >> ten. >> stephen: you're a perfect man! (cheers and applause) "madam secretary" airs sunday at 8:00 on cbs! thanks, everybody! (cheers and applause)xd way? try nexium 24hr,
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. we can. back, once again, ladies and gentlemen. you know, i am always looking to -- i'm so happy to be a part of cbs. the tiffany network named they have even offered to let me decide where the next "n.c.i.s." will take place and which rapper will star in it. i'm thinking "n.c.i.s. fort wayne," starring lil wayne. and one of the perks is that we have access to an archive of cbs entertainment going back over 80 years. i have been binge-watching "face the nation" from the beginning. i can't wait to find out how the vietnam war ends! no spoilers!
just dip into that archive for some free content. so it's time for another trip into the cbs vault. tonight, we bring you cbs sports from 1979. (cheers and applause) (trumpets blowing) >> it's a beautiful spring day here at chamberlain downs! march 28th, 1979, a day where certainly nothing could go wrong! here at the track, the skies are blue and the crisp air smells delightfully of horse! the contenders have taken their position at the starting gates, and they're off! velvet missus jumps to an early lead followed by you old devil, cantankerous jones and grandpa's
outside nixon dream and as fast as a car and soon to be dog food! a breaking news bulletin! what! can't be! just received word there has been a massive accident at the 3-mile island nuclear facility just outside of harrisburg, pennsylvania, a complete nuclear meltdown! my god! and around the turn it's in allentown but don't count out drunk irish mess, peek at you, my debt wife and dr. horse medicine horse! i'm being told the fallout will reach us in new york city within the hour! millions of men, women and children tragically obliterated in a ball of nuclear fire! we're all doomed is coming around the bend right now followed by chinese democracy, baby fingers, three mile island disaster and key! this is how it ends, man
mutated horses will shattered shatter all records. oh hue brings. motorcycle like the approaching tide of devastation, h he is unstoppable. nature's motorcycle has won the final race of the before times! take him to the bunker! we must preserve this specimen so future generations may issue from his loins! the bloodline must be preserved above all else! nature's motorcycle! our savior! our new god! we worship -- (trumpet sound)
bring it. how did you do that you didn't even move your hand?! it's all in e wrist schwartzy... alright, another game. alexa, what time is it? it's 5:43pm. i've got a table reading at 6:00... alexa, how's the traffic? the fastest route is 45 minutes to downtown. can we take the bike?! c'mon schwartzy! jason... get in the side-car.
>> stephen: all right, let's get to the most -- >> wait. you have a very kind audience. >> stephen: very lovely people. very lovely. (cheers and applause) >> i thought you'd introduced elvis or something. >> stephen: yeah, well, this is it. did you perform on this stage when this was the ed sullivan show? >> crosby did, but i didn't, no. >> stephen: crosby, stills and nash, that's not even alphabetical. why is your name last? did you ever bring that up? happened... crosby, stills and nash rolls off the tongue better than stills, nash crosby. >> stephen: this is stockholm syndrome. >> no, no, i've never been to stockholm so it can't be. >> stephen: don't have to. your first solo album in 15 tonight"
>> stephen: and you have been a professional musician for 50 years. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: when are you going to get a real job? >> i don't know. (laughter) i keep waiting for somebody to offer -- anybody got any job offers? >> stephen: this is you, you grew up in black pool, right? >> manchester, i was born in black pool. >> stephen: this was you back in -- (cheers and applause) were you a greaser? >> it was a teddy boy. >> stephen: a teddy boy. oh, yeah, bad boys. ahhh! >> stephen: okay! this is not as bad. who is this? (cheers and applause) what's going on with this? did you get accepted to hogwarts or something? what is this photo? what band is this? >> this is a photographer who was a photographer at the top of the pot called harry goodwin. he loved the hollies. one day he wanted me to wear
(laughter) >> stephen: you were in the same era as the beetles. did you play the same gigs as them? >> many times. i first met the beatles on november 19 19 in 1959. they weren't even called the beatles. >> stephen: the corpsmen? no, after that, i think johnny and the moon dogs. >> stephen: that's a great name! why did they drop that? (laughter) >> would have been great. i've seen them since then. every girl, every kid knew that when they looked at them, something special was about it. you know, there were four kids, and you couldn't get in that -- inside there. they took care of themselves and everybody knew it. >> stephen: really? so they were a little island of themselves even in the music scene you were sharing? >> always. >> stephen: and, of course, this is your classic graham nash right there.
(applause) uh-huh. i don't want to ask you how many sex partners you had -- (laughter) could we get a calculator, please? >> i think it's around 8,000. (laughter) >> stephen: and that was just when you played woodstock. that was just that weekend. (laughter) >> you know, i had never been to woodstock till the cover of the album. >> stephen: really? you guys played yaskers farm 60 miles away. >> yeah. that was the first time i was in woodstock. wood stock was the second gig only. can you believe that? >> stephen: you told me and i have no reason to doubt you. (laughter) one of my favorite songs of
my understanding is there's an interesting song about -- story and how you wrote the song and where the name came from. >> i was in hawaii, two hours to kill before i went to los angeles to my home, and i was the house of a very low-level drug dealer, just weed, nothing heavy, right. >> stephen: not primo. right. (laughter) as i was leaving he said to me, you know, you're some kind of big shot songwriter, i bet you can't write a song just before you go. i said, what? he said, i bet you can't write a song before you go. i said, how much? he said, 500 bucks. i still have the 500 bucks. >> stephen: you still have the song. would you mind doing late built of it before we go? >> absolutely. >> stephen: there we go. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the new album is "this path tonight," comes out april 15. graham nash, everybody!
(cheers and applause) just a song before i go to who it may concern i traveling twice the speed of sound it's easy to get burned when the shows were over we had to get back home and when we opened up the door i had to be alone she helps me with my suitcase she stands before my eyes driving me to the airport into the friendly skies
i held her for so long she finally looked at me in love and she was gone (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back! a bull rider is bold.now, a bull rider on a plane... ...is bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder than bold! and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar... ...in all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... ...bolder than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety,
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hell-bent on growing up if it takes a lifetime i'm learning how to be alone, fall asleep with the tv on and i fight the urge to live inside my telephone i keep my spirits high, find happiness by and by if it takes a life time i got too far from my raising, i forgot where i come from and the line between right and wrong was so fine well i thought the highway loved me but she beat me like a drum
if it takes a lifetime i don't keep liquor here, never cared for wine or beer and working for the county keeps me busy and clear well the nights are dry as dust, but i'm letting my eyes adjust if it takes a lifetime i got too far from my raising, i forgot where i come from and the line between right and wrong was so fine well i thought the highway loved me but she beat me like a drum
if it takes a lifetime man is a pile of gum, all the people that he ever loved and it don't make a difference how it ended up if i loved you once my friend, oh, i can do it all again if it takes a lifetime we got too far from my raising and we fought 'til we went numb you were running up a mountain in your own mind and i thought that i was running to but i was running from oh, our day will come, if it takes a lifetime
(cheers and applause). (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. as i said before, this is our 100th show. (cheers and applause) thank you very much! yeah, that came pretty fast! and last summer, before we premiered, we did a few weeks of test shows to work out any kinks in our process. those original six test shows will never be shown, other than in the fevered flashbacks of my hardworking staff, but our digital department made a brief documentary about the process of putting them together. here is a little taste.
three-minute cut, head over to www.colbertlateshow.com or just wait for that friend of yours who always posts links on facebook, to post a link on facebook. either way, i hope you check it out. we will see you monday for show 101, when my guests will include the director spike jonze, who's going to be shooting new opening credits for my show. i will also be joined by actor jeffrey dean morgan, and a musical performance by jack garratt. now stay tuned for james corden, already in progress. good night. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs