tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show!" i am stephen colbert. thanks, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) hey! thanks so much! welcome to the "late show," everybody! i am stephen colbert. and not only would i like to welcome you to the show tonight, but i'd like to offer a special welcome to astronaut scott kelly, who, yesterday, returned
congratulations, scott. (cheers and applause) can't wait to see ya! because he was up there for so long, nasa is now studying the effects that prolonged weightlessness has on the human body-- and, this is fascinating -- he returned two inches taller than when he left. hopefully, that extra height will give this navy captain and astronaut some confidence. (laughter) now this extra two inches is only temporary, so i just hope he takes this opportunity to be allowed on all the rides at the amusement park. until he shrinks, okay? thing is, 340 days is a long time to be off-planet, and re-integrating with our culture might come as a shock. so i want to help scott catch up on some of the things he missed in the last year. scott, might want to write some of this down, okay? first off, thanks to taylor swift, we've now learned that
called "squads." it's like a murder of crows. a squad of girls. squads have goals. my goal is to be in a squad. back in june, people started whipping and nae-naeing. >> jon: that was nice. >> stephen: whip, nae-nae. and now that i have done it, they have stopped. everyone is now doing something called "netflix and chill." or, if you're on a budget, just "hulu and hump." what else? oh, you really do not like -- there is a great movie called "the martian," really makes you
was revealed that katy perry is dating orlando bloom. we are thinking of going with kate-lando bloom-berry. oh, and of course there's a presidential race this year! and it's going... good. it's going good. (laughter) don't look it up. (laughter) and you are back just in time for the great show we have for earth tonight. (cheers and applause) first, we have got beloved actor "underground," christopher meloni! (cheers and applause) then i'll talk to the most recent recipient of the medal of honor, navy senior chief edward byers! (cheers and applause) and we'll have a musical performance from ray lamontagne!
get down! it's jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! ( applause ) my favorite band! they're about to light this firecracker, but before they do, one more thing: a manhattan police horse threw its officer to the ground and ran loose for ten minutes after being spooked by a loud noise. officials say it will never happen again as long as new york city doesn't have anymore loud noises. >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes... christopher meloni! medal of honor recipient edward byers! and a musical performance by ray lamontagne! featuring jon batiste and "stay
and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! you know what? you got that thang! i don't know about you folks, but i could listen to that song twice in a night! (cheers and applause) scott kelly may have missed a lot of the presidential race so far, but there is plenty more for him to catch up on because in the next few weeks, five more states will weigh in on the presidential election: michigan, ohio, louisiana, nebraska and florida. in florida, they will cast their votes the traditional way, by
like their grandson. (laughter) but even then, we still won't even be halfway through the primary process. which means this is the road to the white house! >> i just want a job! just get me a job! >> stephen: well, he might get one because donald trump's big win on super tuesday has made it clear that he is the likely nominee of the republican party, and that has sent the republican establishment into a panic. they do not want to be with this guy, but the voters are choosing this. it's like an arranged marriage. and unlike trump's other marriages, this one could last eight years. (laughter) (applause)
this guy, but they're not taking it lying down! (laughter) for instance, if trump is the nominee, republican senate majority leader mitch mcconnell vows that his colleagues will "drop him like a hot rock." which is a huge sacrifice for someone who is part tortoise. that's his favorite basking spot! right there! and, today, in a desperate bid to stop trump from getting the nomination, they tried a new approach of a very old approach. >> here's what i know: donald trump is a phony, a fraud. >> stephen: that's right. faced with a monster, the g.o.p. had only one choice. >> "release the romney!" (laughter) (applause)
seal on mitt's hyperbaric dignity chamber, and he brought the pain. >> now, i'm far from the first to conclude that donald trump lacks the temperament to be president. you say wait, wait, wait, isn't he a huge business success? doesn't he know what he's talking about? no, he isn't and, no, he doesn't. what ever happened to trump airlines? how about trump university? and then there's trump magazine. and trump vodka, and trump steaks, and trump mortgage. a business genius, he is not. >> stephen: true. trump has put his name on some terrible investments. for example, four years ago, he endorsed mitt romney! (applause) all in all, a very powerful statement from a member of the republican establishment. let's see how trump's supporters
( roars ) >> stephen: oh, that's right, mitt. they want to feast on your flesh. but that doesn't mean romney doesn't have a rough and tumble plan to save the party. he knows there's a way to stop trump from getting the number of delegates he needs at the convention. >> i believe we can nominate a person who can win the general election and who will represent the values and policies of conservatism. given the current delegate selection process, that means that i'd vote for marco rubio in florida and for john kasich in ohio, and for ted cruz or whichever one of the other two contenders has the best chance to beating mr. trump in a given state. >> stephen: what an inspiring message for the world's greatest democracy: don't vote for who you think should be president, vote for whichever candidate in your state has the best chance of keeping trump from getting delegates.
bros in bars that rhymes with "clock block." (laughter) and i know there's an angry republican base out there, but this guy says it is the only way to save democracy from the voters. after you vote, maybe you will get a sticker that says, "i did what mitt romney told me to." (laughter) this game of ganging up against the popular guy who's winning, that's not democracy. that's a reality show strategy. and that is trump's home turf. you honestly think you are going to be better at this than him? it's like saying, "you know the way to fix our great white shark problem is, get in the water with him. but first let me put on my lucky ham." trump is not running a political
(laughter) trump is not running a political campaign. he's a reality show contestant who's established himself as a villain to polarize the audience, then do whatever it takes to make it to the final tribal council to get the rose that lets him have sex with the top chef. (applause) then you get to name a supreme court justice in the fantasy suite. (laughter) but let's just say for a minute this plan to stop trump works. who then could the republicans run for president? the guys who lost? that doesn't seem right. no, you need someone who's been legitimately chosen by republican voters. hold on a minute! mitt, why didn't you think of this? mitt, i don't know if this has occurred to you, but you fit that description! oh, do it, mitt.
gather up the gang, the family, gather up tagg and blitt and guff and tupp, strap the dog to the car and head to the convention. i'm ready. (cheers and applause) i've still got all kinds of stuff from 2012. i've still got my gangnam style cd, my linsanity shirt and my official portrait of mitt romney on this just for men box. color: dressage horse. we'll be right back with christopher meloni! (cheers and applause) this is a chick car. this is a gay car.
this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small. this car doesn't care what you call it. how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts.
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12 years old. he doesn't mow the world is a harsh and unfair place. i'm afraid there ain't no changing that. i suppose when it comes down to it, i'm just thinking of his future. >> stephen: please welcome christopher meloni. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you're the guest. i insist you sit first. >> thank you. >> stephen: oh, pi gosh. i might have to stroke your beard before this interview is over. that thing is just so luxurious. >> it's named one of the all-time great goatees. >> stephen: this just came
goatee will hypnotize you. congratulations. >> thank you very much. (applause) >> stephen: it's like some alien creature is going to take over your face and started with the area around your mouth. (cheers and applause) let me just see something here. could i actually -- yeah. (applause) that's how you test it. thanks for coming. nice to see you. >> i'm such a huge fan of yours! (cheers and applause) i am such a huge fan of yours! >> stephen: well, thank you. i'm a fan of yours. >> i come here to fawn. is that mine? >> stephen: that is yours, i think. >> i've come to fawn. >> stephen: don't let me stop you! >> you're exactly what this nation needs, what entertainment
always smiling -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: did my wife ask you the to say that? >> no. >> stephen: that is very nice to get that kind of support from someone who is known to be a tough guy. you have a reputation, you play a lot of tough guys. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: in this show, are you a good guy or a bad guy in. >> the guy i play is named august pullman, on w.g.n. america march 9. >> stephen: we'll get to all that, i promise, before it's over. >> yeah. he's a guy caught up in the slavery system, the main economic system there in the south in georgia in 1857, a guy trying to raise his 12-year-old boy and it's tough circumstances. >> stephen: so good guy or bad guy?
you do have to pick a side these days. >> well, you know, you do the best you can under the circumstances. it's a climate change. everyone wants to do what's right for the earth but do we always do what's best for the earth? >> stephen: no. if we do what's best for the earth, we would turn all these light off. >> okay, so good guy or bad guy? >> stephen: you seem to think i'm a good guy. >> well, that's just one side of the story, though. >> stephen: you actually in your own life have been a tough guy. were you a bouncer? >> yeah, that's how i made my money. i came to new york to be an actor and i immediately went where the big money was so i made $40 a night throwing people out of bars. >> stephen: $40 a night? it wasn't an hourly wage? >> it wasn't. it was cash, though. >> stephen: if i were coming up to you to get into the club, would you have let me in? (laughter) >> no. >> stephen: why not?
>> i love you, man, but that face is not -- >> stephen: what's wrong? this isn't club face? >> you know what it is? it's i'm not bringing any chicks to the game face. (laughter) i'm sorry... i don't mean... (audience reacts) i don't -- sad face. sad face. >> stephen: please let me in, bouncer man! no, no... >> stephen: did you ever have to rough anybody up and bring the hammer down? >> well, i'll give you my craziest bouncer experience. two girls ran out on a tab, so the manager comes running and says, do you see two girls? i said, i don't know, a lot of people coming in and out. so we run down the street and grab the two girls. he says, there they are. he says, you stay here and i'll grab the check they ran out on. as i'm holding the girls, they're kicking me and scratching me. the car pulse up and it's their
against one and one of them kicks me in the shin. i let go of her. the other gets dragged in. so now i dive through the passenger window -- and this is probably for like a $100 bill or whatever -- jumped through a passenger window and i'm trying to grab the keys. the guy is trying to push me -- the guy from the back is punching me, i'm punching the driver, the girl is scratching my face, the driver starts driving and he tries to run me, smash me against the parked cars, and it was in that moment of lucidity and brilliance i'm going, i'm getting paid $40 a night! >> stephen: how do you go from that to actor? did you put at the on your resume, my ankles can take things smashed against a chevy? (laughter)
snow on the ground so i was able to skitch my way around. >> stephen: i want to hear more stories of adventure and violence from you. we'll take a commercial break and be back with more christopher meloni. right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. well, i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest. okay, shut her down. turn it off.
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that's 100 meg internet speeds, tv & phone for our best offerever. switch to better. switch to fios. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're back with christopher meloni. is it chris or christopher? >> christopher. >> stephen: it's christopher. yeah. >> stephen: really? i thought it was chris. >> no big deal. call me whatever you want. >> stephen: christopher seems like a name mother would yell at you. christopher meloni. >> christopher peter. >> stephen: did you get in trouble with your mom when you were a kid? >> i could get it over on her. it was more teachers' outside influences and i could state my case to my mom and she would believe me.
acting? >> yes, she's my first audience. >> stephen: pretending you were a good boy all the time? >> yes, always. >> stephen: here you are as a baby (audience reacts) and i bring out this photo. can we get a closer shot at this? i bring out this photo. you look startlingly like a picture of your head today has been put on a child. i'll prove it to you now. hold still for a s.e.c. (laughter) (laughter) (applause) i understand you're doing a project with bruce willis called marauders. what was it like working with him?
>> stephen: that's a lot of testosterone, two tough guys. >> yeah, we only worked in big stages because there was so much testosterone. come in with hazmat suits and mops. to put on the makeup, that's the only way people could approach us. yeah, it was a great experience. it was very funny because bruce is the c.e.o. of the bank and he has to escort me out to have the bank, i'm an f.b.i. guy. as he's escort meg through with his security, the bad guys come in to rob the bank and start spraying bullets everywhere. so bruce and i have to shoot our way out of there. but bruce is the c.e.o. of a bank but doesn't have a gun. he was bereft. he was, like, but i'm die hard guy. he was naked. he said, can you give me a gun? people are going, bruce, you're
i want a gun. >> stephen: did he get his gun? >> no. he was unhappy. >> stephen: i would definitely give him a gun and then edit it out later. >> focus on me shooting. >> stephen: yeah, actors get to meet a lot of great people. you were, like, wrieding a horse in this thing and in wagons. >> yes. >> stephen: you know how the do that? >> i do now. >> stephen: did you know before this? >> very interesting. anyone know how to ride a horse here? well, you know. you've really got to tell that guy who's the boss. >> stephen: the horse? yeah, the horse! you have to get to know him. you have to pet him. you're courtshipping, a little foreplay, yes -- >> stephen: that's illegal in many states. >> but not all. >> stephen: not all. not all.
>> stephen: yeah? gentle but firm. >> stephen: who was teaching you these things? was this bruce willis? (laughter) >> cowboy lance. >> stephen: so, what, were you afraid of the horse at first? >> i wasn't a big fan. i didn't like all that muscle and unpredictability. just wasn't a fan. but you have to go up there and show him who's boss and ride with authority. but if you don't know all the signals, you're just a big pretender up there, to begin with. >> stephen: yeah? then i got the hang of it. and with one hand. >> stephen: one hand? yes. and the -- that's how i look. absolutely. it's a natural, right? a natural something. i'll stop it. >> stephen: you've really got it.
>> stephen: the series begins march 9, 10:00 on wgn america, and it's called "underground," and it's about the underground railroad, and your character is described as being on a tight rope of emotion. >> yes. >> stephen: and again, we don't know if he's a hero or a villain. >> no. are you a hero or a villain? >> stephen: well, one of us has a goatee so we know you're my evil twin. (laughter) christopher meloni, thank you so much. >> a pleasure! >> stephen: christopher meloni! "underground" premieres march 9 at 10:00 on wgn america. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) that's not fair, he should give you your rollerblades back. anddddd, she's back. storm coming? a very dangerous cheese storm. so you have 20 more bags. mhm. my yoga instructor calls it the death spiral. i call it living the dream.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everyone. let's hear it for jon. batiste and stay human. (cheers and applause) jon, you sound great tonight. >> jon: thank you, stephen. >> stephen: and you look great, too. >> oh, man. >> stephen: doesn't he look fantastic? (cheers and applause) i wish i could have the same daring fashion sense you do. >> jon: stephen, what if i told you i could teach you to have my kind of style in just eight easy steps? >> stephen: i'd say, i hope it comes with a video. >> jon: you're in luck, because it does! jim?
welcome to piano 101, episode 2. fashion tips. if you want to be a good band leader, you've got to dress your best. clothes are the music of the body and you hear them with your eyes, so open your ears and watch. lesson one, name your outfits. every outfit has a personality that's why i give mine names. here are some of the outfits i've worn on the late show, hot mustard, business basketball, sky captain, hallucinating referee, slim grimace, mr. fluoride which comes in a tube and prevents jean ginvitis all the over your body. your closet is your sanctuary. you need to keep it organized. do you do it by color, season, material? i organize mine alphabetically. suits! lesson three, moth prevention.
the closest i come the hating anything is moths. these ferocious predators want to eat your clothes and they don't even wear clothes so you can't get revenge. you want to keep your wardrobe safe, you need mothballs and you can find them in your grandpa's closet. lesson four, shoes! sure shoes are the foundation of any good outfit. what else are you going to stand on, pants? come on. you can good in any shoe as long as it matches what you're wearing. for instance, this shoe doesn't match buzz that's easy to fix. much better! lesson five, break. six, twelve tonal system, all
scale are equally represented in a given composition, none can be repeated while preserving. check yourself out in the mirror! whoo! that's runway ready. lesson number 8, leave the house! fashion is like quantum physics. it means knotting if you're not observed. but before you go, don't forget that one accessory that brings the whole outfit together -- (theme song) i'll see you at the afterparty! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks jon! we'll be right back with medal of honor recipient, navy senior
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thanks for being here. it's an honor to have you. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: you are specifically titled senior chief special warfare operator. that is a really all-encompassing title, a warfare operator. what do you operate? i operate warfare. what does that training include? what are all the things you're trained to do? >> well, if we were to sit here and talk about it, i think you would run out of time. >> stephen: oh, really? the first is basic underwater seal training, then seal qualification training after that for six months just to get your foot in the door. >> stephen: when did you find out you would be receiving the medal of honor?
>> stephen: how do you find out? >> it's a really intriguing process. the white house calls you, somebody on his staff, and they say, hey, the president wants to talk to you next week at this date and time. are you available? and my first reaction was does anyone actually say no to this? let me check my schedule. >> stephen: do you have any idea what the phone call is about? >> i did. i was aware he was going to give a call but it's not till the president calls you that it becomes official. >> stephen: there are some aspects of the engagement for which you were awarded the medal of honor are classified and you can't talk about it. walk us through what happened that day and try not to breach national security when you do so. >> i'll do my best. >> stephen: okay.
our mission, a no-fail mission, and our goal was to bring back an american hostage. >> stephen: afghanistan? eastern afghanistan. so we inserted by helecopterrer in the middle of the night. had a four or five hour walk through mountains and got to the target building and assessed. >> stephen: how do you know that's your target building? i assume a lot look alike. >> they do, but our nation's military has clever ways of figuring that out. >> stephen: okay. i'll accept that. move on. >> so as we approach the building, our point man und teammate nick was up front. a guard came out of one of the doors. he immediately engaged the guard and we started sprinting toward the door. it's not your typical door. it was a layer of blankets.
through the blankets, i moved in behind him. as i went to my area of responsibility, an enemy on the back wall had his ak ready to shoot and eengaged him and saw another person moving across the floor. at that time you don't know if that was the american hostage just scared, trying to move -- >> stephen: what time of day is this? >> middle of the night. >> stephen: is it dark, a light on inside? >> it was bitch black. the average afghan house has one light bulb. i don't think this one had any light bulbs. we have night vision, so that gives us the advantage to see. i saw a person move across the floor. he was moving toward weapons. i got to him and straddled him and pinned him down with my legs. >> stephen: at this point, do you know if this is the hostage
>> i didn't know. i was trying to control him and adjusting my night vision so i could get facial recognition. simultaneously, we're calling out, american hostage, trying to get somebody to respondtha back. he finally did respond back, about five feet away to me to my right. i engaged the person i was on top of and jumped off him and on to the american hostage. you want to do that because our goal is to bring this guy back alive and we're wearing body armor so we accept that risk and want to protect him. when that happened, there was another enemy that was to my left within arm's reach, fortunately, and i was able to pin him against the wall by his throat till my teammates were able to come in and take care of that. >> stephen: so you have your
protect him while pinning somebody against the wall with your hand, after engaging the enemy previously to that? >> that's correct (applause) >> stephen: now, can you tell us -- without giving a specific amount of time -- is this seeming like it's happening fast to you? or is it all happening in slow motion for you? >> that is a unique thing about our training is we rehearse so much that it is very instinct chiewl. so while the whole scenario happened within a minute, minute and a half, in your mind it's very segmented. you take one situation, handle it and move on to the next. so it slows down. it's kind of like time slows down. >> stephen: now i know there are some things that you can't talk about the raid to get the hostage, but one thing i know you want to talk about that's important is to talk about your fellow navy seal, and this is nick check, right? >> yes, and nick check was a
hero of that operation. he gave his life to bring back another american and, frankly, that's what we do. (applause) >> stephen: he did not survive the engagement? >> he did not. >> stephen: and here you are receiving the medal of honor from president obama on monday, and for the rest of your life you know,, people will be calling you a hero. how do you feel? i know some people in the military don't like that title. how do you feel about that? give myself. i think that's something other people bestow upon you, and the people i really consider heros are the brothers i work with. these men are, you know, the planet. their mentality of never quit, never fail at anything they do is truly remarkable and, you know, if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't be sitting here today. they saved my life countless times. >> stephen: i understand there are some people you want to give
so my neighbors bob and gigi, they love your show, and they've recorded every single one of your shows, so i have to say congratulations. i heard you just had your 100th episode here. >> stephen: we did. hey, bob and gigi! (applause) well, thank you so much for being here and thank you for your service to our country. if you go back out, please stay safe and we're honored to have you. medal of honor recipient edward byers, everybody! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! s br which means no eggo waffles. something smells delicious. eggo! l'eggo my eggo breakfast sandwich. it's sweet, it's savory, it's in your microwave.
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