tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 8, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
and i mean that! (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) in there, out there, all around the world! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you! thank you! thanks, everybody! please! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show." mr. and mrs. america, all the ships at sea, i am stephen colbert. and tonight we are coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city! (cheers and applause) jimmy, can we get a "live" graphic in the corner? through
live! there are only two ways to get one of those: a live talk show, or a high-speed police chase. (laughter) i'm saving that for sweeps. this "live" graphic is a sacred trust that means that what you are seeing is happening right now. no matter when you watch it. if you're watching this on your d.v.r. at 3:00 a.m. next monday-- they're going to come wake me up and make me do it all over again. in fact, here, i'll prove that we're live at 11:35 p.m. look: i'm actually tired right now. (cheers and applause) hey! most nights we do the show 5:30, something like that. then i go home and pop a fist full of ambien.
i wake up i check the police blotter to see what i did. it is now 11:37, which i can prove that too, by holding up. this minute's "new york times." top story "stephen colbert holds up newspaper of record." thank you, shoe shine, boy! now, i'm doing this for two reasons: to practice for the live show we're doing directly after the super bowl! (cheers and applause) and also to draw attention to the fact that there is going to be a super bowl. i will not let the mainstream media bury that story again. (laughter) of course, a live show comes with certain risks. but we've taken certain precautions. if need be, we are prepared to cut away to this reassuring graphic.
(applause) point is, we are live on friday night, and i'm talking to a nation on pins and needles. because tomorrow's powerball is the largest lotto cash prize of all time! (cheers and applause) $800 million. and i am in it to win it. and this is true. i went out today and i bought a ticket, okay? so if you hear the numbers 1, 4, 11, 49, 67 with a powerball of 12, make sure you tune into the show on monday. because i will not be here. (cheers and applause)
i don't mean that. but i'm here now, and we have a fantastic live show for you. first up, i'll be talking to the tony-winning star of such broadway hits as "the producers," matthew broderick. (cheers and applause) it's gonna be a great interview. unless i can make more money with a flop than a hit! (laughter) i'll also be talking with sarah parcak, a scientist who uses satellites to find ancient, lost cities. she's a "space archaeologist," which sounds like a cool job title, but growing up, she wanted to be a "ballerina dinosaur." then we'll have a great musical performance from kasey
she will be singing her hit song "late to the party." but since this is live, i hope she shows up on time. (band vamps) that can only mean one thing. jon batiste and the "stay human"! say hi. (cheers and applause) they are about to whisk our earso flavor country. before they do, one more thing. today, pecks co-recaptured infamous drug kingpin el chapo -- and he's escaped. tonight... stephen welcomes matthew broderick! space archaeologist sarah parcak! and a musical performance by
featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, everybody! thanks so much! 11:41. we're still on the air. that's not bad. folks, thank you so much. (applause) i don't mean to brag -- (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you so much. ordinarily i would let you chant my name for an hour and cut it out in post but this is live. i'd like to think of myself as
since abc canceled mother theresa, shouldn't have gone up against johnny carson. never forgave her. i haven't had time for my tray traditions, especially confession. i was wondering if i could examine my conscious with you the audience. you wouldn't tell anybody, right? >> audience: no! >> stephen: great. (laughter) this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions. now, for the record, i'm not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, audience, because sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i wish there was an iphone app that would help me
made. i told all my friends i'm watching "making a murderer," but i'm really watching the making of "murder, she wrote." (laughter) pretty good. pretty good. it's only been one week and i'm already breaking any new year's resolution to stop eating cake frosting straight out of the tub. (laughter) that kelly clarkson song "since you been gone" totally pumps my jam sack. (laughter) (singing, jon follows on organ) (mumbling) (laughter) (applause) when i see someone's baby, i
but what i'm really thinking is, if that wasn't a baby, it would be a really ugly adult. (laughter) you know, olive garden offers unlimited bread sticks? well, over the christmas holidays, i found their limit. (laughter) i did get your email. if i forget someone's name, i just call them "chief." i hope i don't do it with... chief broderick. (laughter) i also got your text asking me if i got your email.
club, but i am in the greyhound bus terminal utility closet guild. (applause) i salute the courage of caitlyn jenner. i just don't think i should have to care about her if i never cared about bruce. (cheers and applause) i kind of wish i always carried around a kitten so anytime i awwww... (laughter) also... >> audience: awwww! (applause)
the frosting on my lips, and i used that kitten to wipe it off. (cheers and applause) i like going to the "y" because working out next to the elderly makes me feel strong. (laughter) when people get divorced, i do blame the kids. (laughter) i have impure thoughts about the land o' lakes butter lady. but mostly about the butter. forgive me, audience... >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with chief broderick.
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welcome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much for joining us. my first guest is a two-time tony award winning star of stage and screen, please welcome matthew broderick! mathieu! (cheers and applause) now, i imagine that walking around new york, you're such a staple of new york, that people must just cheer like that when you walk anywhere in the city. >> yeah, it sort of is like that, stephen. >> stephen: really? that sounds nice. >> yep, it is nice. it's reassuring to step out of the house and have loud cheering. it's great. >> stephen: you feel bad and you're, like, one day, i'll walk out and let people know me. >> yes, and then you walk out, nobody on the street, so you go back inside and feel really sad.
sword. sword. >> exactly, same as the double-edged sword. >> stephen: here's a double-edged sword i have to clear up now. you had a recent subway scandal. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: somebody took a photo on you on the subway. before i show it to everybody, this is you, right? >> no, it's not me. (laughter) >> stephen: this is you man spreading on the subway. (cheers and applause) i mean, very, very -- >> nice and together. >> stephen: you're not just man spreading, you're so proud of your man spread you're taking an instagram of it to share with your followers. >> stephen: that's a ridiculous interpretation, that photograph. sir, i'm looking on my phone, an important message from somebody who needed to be taken to the
>> are you the batman from gotham? >> stephen: i don't want to say. >> stephen: you can't say. no, i have to have a surprise element. >> stephen: i think your superpower is man spreading. now, i've heard you claim you are not man spreading here. >> i am man spreading, but however there is nobody next to me, if you will notice. >> stephen: i can't tell. you see this? there was nobody here. nobody here. norhebe, nobody here. so i didn't know you have to sit like an 1890s lady when you're alone on one side of the train. >> stephen: oh, i've got my ankles crossed behind the desk right now. >> oh... well, how odd to know that. >> stephen: if somebody wants to join me back here, there is room for other people. >> yeah, there is a lot of room. >> stephen: there is the lady who handed to kitten to me right over there. (laughter)
>> stephen: always down there. she refills my water. >> so great to have that. >> stephen: yeah, it's a job. i have one of those, at home. >> stephen: hangs out under the furniture? >> every piece of furniture has somebody under it. >> stephen: you're matthew broderick. why wouldn't you? >> yeah, exactly. >> stephen: thank you for being here. thank you for being here for the live show. that's very exciting for me. >> for me, too. yeah, it's live. (cheering) i'm also happy to see this -- it's the first time on your show. happy to see you here. >> stephen: like what we did with the place? >> i love it. it looks absolutely beautiful. >> stephen: you're a broadway guy, you're a broadway baby. >> i am a broadway baby. >> stephen: you have been to a lot of these. you've performed in a lot of theaters on broadway. how do you think it stacks up? >> i think it's a great one. it's a big beautiful one with a nice polish on it now. your mother and i are very proud of you. >> stephen: thank you very
you do have a paternal quality with the tweed here. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's a compliment, sure. you can interpret that as a compliment. >> if you say thank you, it's a compliment, isn't it? >> stephen: yeah. hey, you were manspreading. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: it identifies you as a man. >> yes, thank you, thank you. >> stephen: i know you must be a very busy guy. thank you for being here. >> yeah, i am often busy. at the moment, it's not that busy. >> stephen: not that busy? no. >> stephen: the show is on broadway. >> it's closed. >> stephen: i hear it was fantastic. >> it was great. i urge you to go back in time and see the show. >> stephen: no, don't! because then it won't close and you won't have time to be with me right here! oh, that's true. >> stephen: does it blow your >> yeah. >> stephen: so what's next? what are you doing? >> well, nothing, you know...
i'm fielding offers, i like to say. >> stephen: really? but that's not even really true. >> stephen: no offers? no >> stephen: takes away from the time you go into the street and having people cheer from you. let's get this guy a gig. >> i need something to do, right? (cheering) thank you. >> stephen: let's work on your resume. how fast do you type? >> i type with my thumbs on a screen. >> stephen: two-thumber? two thumbs, yeah. >> stephen: do you know excel? has something to do with excel computers. >> stephen: are you willing to relocate, go off broadway. >> no, i will not move at all. >> stephen: how do you feel about tasteful nude di? >> if it's tasteful and helps tell the story, all for it. >> stephen: how would you feel
tastefully nude? how do you feel about that? >> i don't know if those go together. i'd want to see it (laughter) >> stephen: and what's your hourly baby sitting rate? >> $25. >> stephen: $25 an hour! do you have a curfew? >> i need to be home by 11:00. >> stephen: can you drive yourself or you need to be picked up? >> she can pick me up. she is busy, so that's going to be hard. >> stephen: if anybody does have a job for mathieu, please call 855-968-matt. just leave a message. also, here's his head shot in case you need it. >> where did you find that? (cheering) >> stephen: now, you've done, like, 11 broadway shows, something like that? >> i think it's less than that.
says 11 broadway shows. is there any part you would have loved to have done but you're not right for and no one ever cast you in it because i've got one. >> you do? >> stephen: i do. always embarrasses me. >> stephen: tell on three, we'll say ours. one, two, three -- ely eliza doolittle. >> eliza doolittle (laughter) >> >> stephen: you're like a young audrey hepburn >> a little >> stephen: if you could sing one of those songs, which one would you sing? >> isn't there one -- (humming) >> yeah. all i want is a room somewhere
air with one enormous chair oh, wouldn't it be loverly lots of chocolate for me to eat lots of coal makin' lots of heat warm face, warm hands, warm feet oh, wouldn't it be overly oh, so lovely sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely abso-bloomin'-lutely still i would never budge till spring crept over me window sill someone's headrestin' on my knee warm and tender as he can be
oh wouldn't it be loverly loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly... (cheers and applause) >> stephen: matthew broderick, everyone! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) crawfish shorts i like your style hooked it just a little bit (window breaks, car alarm sounds) don't open that cellar door epic comeback starts right here lucky shot.
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now, as any political junkies out there know, the iowa caucuses are just over three weeks away, and even though he's down in the polls, i'm still betting on a big comeback from my friend jeb bush. everybody keeps saying the guy is out of the race, but he's still got the money, the family name and maybe one day he'll admit it. (laughter) and i like the guy. after he appeared on my first show, and this is true, he sent me a thank you note. that is classy. thank you, jeb. plus, i think the man is just come up with a game-changing strategy to connect with voters. >> jeb bush sees himself as a joyful tortoise, at least tats what he told a teenager on the campaign trail yesterday. the presidential candidate gave the boy a toy turtle and says he carries them around in his pocket. >> stephen: which led some to ask is that a toy tortl in your pocket or are you just really bad at running running for president?
now, jeb says the turtles are a reminder that slow and steady wins the race, which makes him the tortoise that we all know who the hair is. of course! (applause) this does not address the central question about these turtles. whaaaa? turtles? >> i have turtles. i have the little baby jesus, my rosary beads and three turtles. >> stephen: wait... huh? you got the little baby jesus in your pocket? should he be in there? are you using your pants as a nativity scene, sir? are those the three wise turtles? but you know what? i still like them. thank you note. and he's right... slow and steady wins.
steady, two out of three ain't bad. but whoever wins, jeb or any of the other people, that person is going to inherit a pretty scary world. >> this earth shaking announcement from north korea that it tested a hydrogen bomb potentially hundreds of times more powerful than the nuclear weapons it tested before. >> u.s. officials say it's clear the north did test a nuclear device but doubt it's an h-bomb. >> stephen: yes we know north korea tested a nuclear device but can't be sure they have the h bomb. supreme leader kim jong un has been known to lie before, mostly to himself if he thinks he can pull off that haircut. (laughter) no, sorry... so -- so -- (laughter) there may be nothing to worry about because as one senior defense analyst wrote, kim may be claiming he achieved a hydrogen bomb when, in practice,
yes, only a boosted nuclear weapon! they say it like it's a better thing and since i don't really know what that is, i'm choosing to believe they took a regular nuke and packed it with mentos and diet coke. what we know for sure is it was done in conjunction with supreme leader kim jong un's birthday. to celebrate, north koreans went into the streets and danced. it's kind of sort of sad, grey footage and there isn't any music on it so to make it more festive. we added our own music. (rap music) (cha-cha swing) >> stephen: yes!
they're doing the cha-cha slide because their primitive power grid cannot handle the electric slide. but i've got a birthday message for kim jong un if he is watching and i hope he is because the network wants me to attract more 18 to 34-year-olds with disposable income and nuclear weapons. so glorious leader, here is why you should give up your dreams of developing an h-bomb -- the hydrogen bomb gets its destruction force not from fission but the fusion of atoms and helium, so when you drop this, this will be helium in the air, much as it is in this birthday balloon which i have because it's your birthday and even if you successfully launched a hydrogen bomb, all that helium would make it impossible for your glorious birthday speech to be taken
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is the 2016 ted prize winner! please welcome dr. sarah parcak! (cheers and applause) okay. i am fascinated by your subject. first of all, congratulations on being the winner of the ted prize. what do you get with the ted prize? >> a million dollars. >> stephen: what!
you've got to do a ted talk about getting a million dollars. >> yes. >> stephen: okay, so explain to the people out there what a space archeologist is. you don't do archeology in space, you use space for archeology, right? >> so think about what would happen if indiana and google earth had a love child, right. >> stephen: well, i'm thinking about it, i'm thinking about it. >> i use high resolution and n.a.s.a. satellites and look for summit differences on the surface of the earth that locate buried ancient pyramids, tombs and it allows us to pinpoint where to go from thousands of miles away. >> stephen: what do you have here? >> i thought you needed an indiana jones hat. >> stephen: oh, i see. that's not bad. thank you very much!
>> stephen: that's awesome. aren't you putting people like indiana jones out of business? these are the guys who train with the bull whip and machete to no through the jungle and find things but you're using satellite imagery. >> it's like a space cat scan. the scale sin credible. we have found thousands of ancient sites in egypt and all over the world. >> stephen: let's talk about some of the impressive things you've done. you've helped locate 17 potential pyramids in egypt people didn't know were there, 31 forgotten settlements and 1,000 lost tombs around the world. so what is the actual mechanism of what you're seeing? let me give you an example of what you've done. here is a field outside of rome. >> this is just to the south of rome at an airport. >> stephen: i see nothing but you say there is something there. >> there is knotting. >> reporter: here is a
what is there we couldn't see before? >> what you're seeing is an ancient amphitheater, like where we are now. processing the satellite data and looking for subtle differences in vegetation health, which you are not able to see visibly, we're able to map about 150 across. >> stephen: is this like chemical checkcal spectrum that we can't see. >> we're looking for chlorophyll which indicate vegetation health. the stones are less healthy and we pick up the differences and the outline is clear. >> stephen: this is one of the most extraordinary things you've found. this is in egypt, i think. so this is just a bit of desert. this is just a field of sand, right? >> yep.
did you use to find this? because this is the same locale, and those -- (applause) you're feeling pretty good right now, aren't you? >> so what we're seeing here is the ancient site of tanis, north of cairo. >> stephen: from indiana, from raiders of the lost ark. this is where they find the thing that was lost for a thousand years wiped off the face of the earth by a vengeful god, you found tanis! (cheers and applause) honest to god, that's what this is? this is the tanis right there? >> what you're looking at is the outline of a 3,000-year-old city no one has seen and you can clearly see the outlines of
>> stephen: no one's gone to dig it yet? >> no one's excavated it yet. >> stephen: when you see something like the amphitheater, you know for a fact it's there. do you check? >> i love getting my hands dirty, going into the field, and that's the most fun. from space you think you're seeing something but when you get to dig on the ground you have no idea what types of objects you're going to find. >> stephen: in archeology or in lost cities or civilizations or tombs or artifacts, is there a holy grail -- i mean, obviously other than the holy grail, is there a holy grail of something like finding genghis khan's tomb, or everybody keeps saying, please look for this thing? >> what's incredible by
archeologists are making new headlines. we found human ancestors in kenya from millions of years ago. >> stephen: can you find things that old from what you're doing, from prehistoric times? >> not from millions of years ago not in caves, but certainly in the olympic settlements, from many thousands of years ago and there are millions of undiscovered archeological sites around the world. >> stephen: what's the coolest thing you have found? >> i would say that literally everywhere i look there are thousands upon thousands of sites, and i consistently surprise myself. >> stephen: so the thing that surprises you is that no matter where you point it, you see something? >> even when i'm sure, i tell my team, it's impossible, like, we're not going to find something in this place, i'm always wrong, we find things everywhere. >> stephen: so humans pretty much have put up a hut everywhere they have been. there's nowhere left on the planet where somebody hasn't been, probably.
survived as a species for over 100,000 years. what's amazing to me as an archeologist, the more i study, the more i realize we are resilient, creative, brilliant and this is what makes us human and that has not changed since we have been human. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, what are you going to do with your million bucks? >> so, i will get to announce my wish to the world next month at ted. i am not an allowed to share my wish, but i can say every day we're seeing headlines with what i.s.i.l is do i think in the middle east blowing up temples and looting ancient sites and if we don't preserve and protect these sites around the world, they will be gone within a generation. so ultimately i want to figure out a way to get the world engaged with discovery and protecting these ancient sites. >> stephen: doctor, thanks so
>> stephen: dr. sarah parcak, she found tanicy. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) sfx: rocket blasting off (ding) (dong) (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding) sfx: (countdown) 3, 2, 1 (ding) (ding) (ding) rocket welcome. how you doin'? thanks for coming. today you're gonna choose a mobile office to drive to a remote worksite. you can choose this chevy silverado that offers built in 4g lte wi-fi. or you can choose this ford f-150, that doesn't offer wi-fi. but to make up for it, we added a trailer, a satellite antenna, and dolores. hey fellas! technology's a
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>> in that last story, it's a story within a play. >> have you seen rashamon? what is this again? you are the announcer like it says on the paper. >> it doesn't need to be so cut and dried. the thing about filmmaking is i'm also a magnifying glass. >> please read the paper. we have been here six hours, almost. >> jeez, fine. let's see, tonight on "the late show," stephen welcomes robert de niro, gilbert and henry rowans. happy? >> yes! thank you!
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(cheers and applause) >> they're blowing up our phones asking where we are just say we're almost there we ain't even in the car you're rolling one for two and i'm still picking out my shoes i'm never late to the party if i'm late to the party with you by the time we get there, everybody will be drunk the chairs will be on tables and the band will be unplugged we're gonna look real good, but we're gonna look real rude
i'm late to the party with you oh, who needs confetti? we're already falling into the groove and who needs a crowd when you're happy at a party for two? the world can wait 'cause i'm never late to the party if i'm late to the party with you let's promise when we get in that we'll try to get right out fake a couple conversations, make the necessary rounds these kinda things just turn into "who's leaving here with who?" but i just want 'em all to see
late to the party with you oh, who needs confetti? we're already falling into the groove and who needs a crowd when you're happy at a party for two? the world can wait 'cause i'm never late to the party if i'm late to the party with you late to the party with you oh, who needs confetti? we're already falling into the groove and who needs a crowd
two? the world can wait 'cause i'm never late to the party if i'm late to the party with you no, i'm never late to the party if i'm late to the party with you. yeah ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much, that was beautiful! album is called "pageant material," kacey musgraves, everybody!