tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 29, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
thank you, everybody. welcome. thank you so much. please, have a seat. welcome to "the late show." i am stephen colbert. we talk about politics on the show, not a lot, but sometimes. i know the united states has a secret ballot in that tradition, but do you mind if i ask you, if you guys like bernie sanders? ( cheers and applause ) personally, i'm a little worried about senator sanders. he is currently trailing hillary clinton by 17 points. americans have stopped feeling more of a mild chafing laughter ) but i like h. i like him. but he may have hit upon a campaign issue that all americans can get behind. >> in my view, it is unacceptable that americans are
time they go to an a.t.m. ( applause ) >> stephen: yes! lower a.t.m. fees! and that's just the beginning. it's part of a foolproof strategy to speak out against all the things that annoy him. ( imitating bernie ) in my view, supermarket receipts are too long. there are too many coupons for the things i don't want. i don't even use nivea. in my view, you should not put my cup of coffee in a plastic bag. it's just gonna tilt and spill out, and then i'm stuck with a hot, wet bag. it is a national disgrace if my otis spunkmeyer oatmeal cookie is left hangin' on one of those metal coils in the vending machine. and then wall street forces me to buy a baby ruth from the coil above to knock it free. it's outrageous! it's nutrageous!
a fair amount of spit. but, bernie-- people in the front row should but i think bernie does have a point. out-of-network a.t.m. is now $4.50. ( cheers and applause ) you were a little late on that, but thank you. and a.t.m.s allow banks to employ fewer tellers, so they're actually charging you for something that saves them money. that's like hooters charging you for all the orange fabric they don't use on their short-shorts. ( laughter ) and i'm sure there are other examples, but that's the one that came to mind. and it is really profitable. last year, service and a.t.m. fees made the banks $34 billion. but it's fair, because just like you, when they withdraw that $34 billion, they have to pay $4.50 fee. but never fear. i am not charging you a penny for the wonderful show we have
) my first guest will be the great jerry seinfeld. ( cheers and applause ) that's the best. that's fun. that's why you have a show like this. he's going to do some stand-up comedy, and then we'll do some sit-down talkity. and i'll be sitting down right over there with republican presidential candidate, senator rand paul. very few people-- very few people remember this, but he's also an eye doctor, so i'll ask him if he's going to make america better? or worse? better? or worse? one? or two? ( laughter ) and he can ask donald trump how many fingers am i holding up, donald?
) i assume-- i assume-- i'm putting words in his mouth. i'm sure the senator would never say that. in public. and we'll have a performance by singer andra day. ( cheers and applause ) beautiful, beautiful. she's nominated for a grammy for her single, "rise up," one of the few songs confident enough to demand a standing ovation right in the title. and-- ( band playing ) oh, that fine sound has got to be jon batiste and stay human. say hi, y'all. they're about to kick this thing off, but before they do, one more thing-- new york city has begun converting old phone booths into free wifi stations, which means drunk new yorkers will soon have the opportunity
bernie sanders impression. ( laughter ) mmmm. you know, it is 2016, and it's hard to believe, but president obama is nearing the end of his eighth year in office. and you can really see the toll it's taken on him. here he was in 2008. and here he is today. and our computer models predict that when he steps down next year, he will look like this. please, please, moisturize, sir. moisturize! and the president's time in office has taken an emotional toll as well because yesterday in the east room of the white house, when discussing victims of gun violence, he was brought to tears. it was a deeply moving sight, but some people are criticizing it because it is unusual to see a president cry. remember, f.d.r. was roundly criticized for this fireside chat. >> the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. but, then again, fear is so
) ohh, what's the use? hitler's gonna kill us all. we're doomed. ( sobs ) >> stephen: people generally only remember the first part of that quote. now, i have said repeatedly on this show that i have no idea what to do about gun violence, other than someone should do something, and i got nothing against this as a start. i think on the issue of guns, someone should show some emotion, because every time there's a mass shooting, opponents of gun control say we shouldn't take action while we're emotional. we have to wait until we've had the proper time to grieve. now, grieving means going through the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. we're really good at the denial part. you know how much we eat. but then we skip straight to the acceptance. hey, have you seen the new "bachelor?" how's he going to deal with the
i'm worried about lace. seriously, i am worried about her. and i think the president is right. it's important that we go through all the stages of grief. there is a set process. like, if you catch on fire, you stop, drop, and roll. you don't just stop and then wait for the marshmallows to arrive. so the president has gone through anger and way past bargaining because yesterday, he decided to go it alone, around the congress, and issue a my- way-or-the-highway, balls-to- the-wall executive order "clarifying existing laws" and "noting that criminal penalties already exist for violating those laws." ka-boom! a fiery hailstorm of gentle reminders! ( laughter ) it turns out, in this case, the president is less of a tyrannical overlord and more of an assistant lifeguard-in-chief. come on, you guys, knock it off.
because this executive order might be firing blanks. >> he cannot require background checks for every gun sale. they can't ban gun sales to people on "no-fly" lists. and you also can't ban large- capacity magazines. >> stephen: also, there's nothing in the rules that says a dog can't buy an assault weapon. ar-15 bud! he's not in heat. he's packing heat! ( applause ) but that is what the president can't do... the a.t.f. can implement stricter standards over which sellers are exempt from having to do background checks. one factor might be whether an unlicensed gun dealer has a business card. hey, not everybody can get one of these. it's a very stringent process. you need to live near a vistaprint and have a valid e-mail address. this one proves i'm a licensed dealer at the gun show. ladies, the store is always open.
cheers and applause ) still, i, for one, salute president obama. the issue of gun control is a powder keg, and at all times, the n.r.a. is cocked, locked, and ready to rock. so as soon as the president made his move, n.r.a. lobbyist jennifer baker fired back with a blistering "this is it, really? they're not really doing anything." well here's the thing, jenn. yes and no. the plan may not do anything, but at least the president is doing something, even if that something will do nothing. because that's better than what we've been doing up till now, which is nothing, because doing nothing leads to something. and that's acceptance, acceptance that nothing will ever be done. but if enough people do something, even if it does nothing, maybe one day, someone will do something that does anything. and wouldn't that be something. ( cheers and applause )
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) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight created "seinfeld," and this thursday night, he'll be in a year-long residency at the beacon theater here in new york. please welcome jerry seinfeld. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! thank you. ( cheers ) that's it. >> jerry! jerry! jerry! >> good night! good night, everybody! >> jerry! jerry! >> thank you, thank you. ( laughter ) i heard backstage that one of the changes made to the theater-- bigger seats. laughter ) a lot of people think we have a weight problem in this country.
i don't believe we have a weight problem until we're all physically touching each other all the time. ( laughter ) when it is solid, human flesh. from coast to coast. a jar of olives just-- ( laughter ) "someone's got to lose some weight. i can't move!" a lot of reports, investigative reports on tv, weight problem in america. they always start the same-- sidewalk shot, regular people. right? carefully angled, cutting them off at the head. we don't want to see who it is. aren't some of those people at home later going, "hey, that's my ass on cnn! that's not fair!" ( laughter ) "just stepped out to get some donut holes." ( laughter ) the donut hole. the donut hole.
what a horrible little snack. if you want a donut, have a donut. why are you eating the hole? ( laughter ) it's such a freaky, metaphysical concept to begin with. you can't sell people holes. a hole-- a hole does not exist. laughter applause ) applause ) a hole is the absence of whatever is surrounding it, okay? if they were really donut holes, the bag would be empty. ( laughter ) okay? and the donuts that you got the holes from wouldn't have holes because you took them. now, if you want, you could take what they're calling donut holes, but they are not... they are donut plugs... ( laughter ) you could take the plug and
laughter ) which i don't even feel comfortable saying for some reason... but that would eliminate the donut, the hole, and the plug, but you still have a fat ass and people shooting you with a camera as you're walking down the street, so it doesn't work. ( cheers and applause ) i travel a lot. i stay in a lot of hotels, a lot of buffets. the buffet is basically an answer to the question, "well, things are bad. how can we make it worse?" how could we design a food/human interaction environment that's basically like driving your dog up to petco, giving him money, and saying, "why don't you go in should have." laughter you come back two hours later, the dog's wearing a headset, working there as an assistant manager. ( laughter )
it fascinates me. there's something about it that breaks down the mind, reason, judgment, portion, sizes, combinations. nobody would go into a restaurant and say to the waiter, "i want a yogurt parfait, spare ribs, a waffle, four cookies and an egg white omelet." people build these death row, ( laughter ) it's like a working model of all their emotional issues and personal needs, and then-- then they can't decide when they're done, so they just start spinning like a robot vacuum with kale chips, maple bacon. they bump into the wall-- "muffin, muffin, muffin, muffin, muffin." ( laughter ) they start accosting strangers-- "excuse me. where did you get that? what is that? i didn't see that? that's a caramelized chicken leg. i have to try that. give me yours. you can get more. you know where they are. come on!" ( laughter
the opposite of the buffet is the swanson hungry man tv dinner. a little taste of prison right there in your own home. ( laughter ) try the leavenworth chicken or the alcatraz meat balls this week. every box of swansons says "hungry man" on the box. i imagine they had a marketing meeting. they went, "all right, we're not going to do anything about the quality. we're agreed upon that. so which segment of the public should we target that could potentially even choke this pig food down?" "what about hungry men that are broke, alone, and starving? taste is the least of their problems." but it's an honest product. it's a tv dinner. they're telling you tv dinner.
do not look down! eyes front. grind it out! ( laughter ) i do think swanson has helped people. it helps people reach their personal life goals, in a way. i've had-- i had millions of them when i was starting out. when you-- you peel back that-- that plastic cover, you plow through those four compartments of hell. by the time you get to that peach cobbler, you go, "i gotta make something out of my life! i can't go on like this!" ( applause ) swanson. why don't they call it "swan song?" my life is over. thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're sitting here with our friend jerry seinfeld. "late show." >> stephen: exactly. thank you so much. >> stephen: you're our first stand-up. >> wow, you must have had some comedians. >> stephen: we're starting high. >> let's see if someone can beat that. >> stephen: we'll put a hash mark up on the wall and stand them next to it when it's over. do you follow politics? do you follow the debates? >> yeah, i watch them a little bit. i met rand paul, senator rand paul backstage. >> stephen: he's a nice guy. >> he's a nice guy. and i like his hair. he's like a little baby-- a baby out of the bassinet, kind of hair. you just towel it, and it's
look how clean baby is. >> stephen: if trump wasn't running, we'd be talking about his hair. >> yeah, every night. but you gotta enjoy that people want to be president or that they even think--the idea-- let's be honest. the idea that anybody thinks they should be president. you gotta be out of your mind! >> stephen: it's a little crazy. >> you've got to be crazy! ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. >> all these people, they're all crazy! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you look at-- >> i think i should be the president, right? >> stephen: you look at 300 million americans and you go, la-la-la-- that guy right there. >> i think i should be in charge of everything. "honey, i was thinking..." >> stephen: speaking of being in charge of everything, you've got the show "comedians in cars >> yeah, that's my little show. ( applause ) you also-- you are starting a theater, once a month for a year. >> once a month for a year. >> stephen: that's fantastic. >> it's great.
going to do. >> i know what i'm going to do once a month for a year. >> stephen: once a month, it's going to be you, the allman brothers, steely dan. how are you going to get the smell of the beacon theater out of your clothes if you keep going back? >> i love it. i love it. that's what i really love-- >> stephen: the live thing? >> no, is those kinds of theaters. the beacon is-- i picked that place-- there are a lot of places you could play, bigger places or, you know-- but that place has that vibe of a real theater. it's kind of an old vaudeville house, built in the 20s. >> stephen: it's about this size, actually. >> yeah. these places-- you know, i have performed everywhere. >> stephen: you could perform anywhere you want. >> anywhere i want. and i like it when it's-- when it's -- >> stephen: you could perform, like, in the international space station if you want. kickstarter to get you there. >> they would. but it doesn't work. the space station is not a good place for comedy. laughs ) everything goes over their heads! ( laughter ( applause
sorry. i apologize. okay, but-- okay, but talking about controlling things, you just had your most-watched "comedians in cars getting coffee" of all time. you sat down with president obama. >> yes, i was with president obama in the white house. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: how did that happen? >> my producer, tammy johnston, who is a very low-key person and would not like me mentioning her name-- >> stephen: tammy johnson? >> tammy johnston. >> stephen: johnston. could we put that at the bottom of the screen, please. >> she produces the debates, all the political debates. >> stephen: republican and democrat? >> yeah. so we were sitting around one day, and we were joking-- i was joking. i said, "why don't we get the president on the show." she says, "you want me to call them?" ( laughter ) i said, "yeah, go ahead, call them." ( laughter ) and they said, "we were hoping you would call." >> stephen: really? >> yeah, they said, "we wanted to do the show." >> stephen: he's funny. >> yeah, he's funny. i always thought he was funny. there are not a lot of funny presidents. >> stephen: no. >> harding wasn't funny.
) >> stephen: but very corrupt. >> yeah. >> stephen: so, okay-- >> so here's my impression of the white house. >> stephen: all right. >> okay? i was hanging around there, and i'm talking to him, and then we try and leave, and they don't let him leave. he can't leave. >> stephen: he literally can't leave the white house? >> not unless it's all organized. >> stephen: oh, yes, schedule and security. >> with guns and helicopters and, you know. so he's like a guy captured by aliens. ( laughter ) right? and the aliens bring him back to their planet-- >> stephen: the planet white house. >> planet white house. and they keep him there. the only show they get is "the beverly hillbillies." so they build him a house. and they say, "we have brought you to our planet to solve all of our problems because you have an incredible brain." and he can do that. and then as soon as he starts to solve the problems, they go, "we don't agree with that." ( laughter ) "we don't want you doing that. don't do that." >> stephen: it's a tough gig. >> yeah, that's a tough gig. >> stephen: did he drive, or did you drive? >> we both drove. he hadn't driven in so many
car. >> stephen: i think we have a clip. what kind of car is this? >> a '63 split-window corvette. the coolest corvette of all time. >> i bet if you park, they'll let us out. just say, "i'm the president." >> hay, darrell, can you open this up? >> i'm sorry, i can't allow it. >> that's unbelievable. golly. >> i knew that wouldn't work. >> you didn't sell it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: most powerful man in the world. >> yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the most powerful man in the world. so seven million people watched that. you were, like, an internet star. are you mr. technology? >> eh, some of it, i like. some of it, i don't like it. i don't want any more e-mails with links. i can't take the links. no more links. >> stephen: that's where the information is. >> i don't want it. i don't want it. there are too many of them.
did you open the link yet?" "no, i didn't open the link. i got a lot of links. get in the link line." "you gotta see this. did you see this?" eight e-mails back and forth to watch a fat guy tripping over a cat. "did you see it?" "yeah, i'm sending you a link of me blowing my brains out. that's the last link." too many links. >> stephen: but you've got time. you have a gig one night a month. >> no, too many links. >> stephen: so you are happily married. you have kids. >> love marriage, love kids, love the whole thing. >> stephen: yeah. do you travel? >> we came back from a family vacation, beautiful family vacation. >> stephen: that's nice. >> what i call "let's pay a lot of money to go fight in a hotel." ( laughter ) ( applause ) right? >> stephen: i've been to that resort. i've been there. >> it's great. let's fight on bikes. let's fight on paddle-boards, lounge chairs.
behaved those other children laughter ). >> stephen: always are. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: where was this? >> stephen: where in mexico was laughter >> stephen: there's a huge difference. we went to juarez. i don't know why we were fighting for our lives. we brought you back souvenirs. it's 20 heads in a duffel bag. it makes a difference. it makes a difference. you're gone. no one can find you. it's not like-- did you go to acapulco? >> we went to guzman's house. the drug kingpin. when you get him away from work, he's a fun guy. >> stephen: you gotta relax. >> the drug trade makes him crazy though. he's tense, tense. >> stephen: i had de niro on right before the break. and i said to him-- he, in some people's minds, represents new
he is new york. other people like you kind of are new york. >> that's very nice to think that. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: to a lot of people now, donald trump is coming to represent new york. >> hold it. >> stephen: oh, no, i'm not saying to people who live in new york. but to people out in the country, they, like, see donald trump as representing new york. how do you feel about that? >> you know, we have a lot of different kinds of people here. >> stephen: that's true, that's true. there's a thing about certain kinds of people, rich people sometimes-- it's that-- they get in that world, you know what i mean? people achieve a certain amount of success. they don't know that there's a world-- their head becomes the world. they think "the globe is my skull." >> stephen: yes. >> these are the people that want to be president. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i mean, you've achieved a certain level. do you have to deal with anything you don't want to deal with at this point? >> do i have to deal with anything-- well, yes, everything.
everything is annoying. >> stephen: i heard you say that privilege is poisonous, right? >> yes, privilege is poisonous. >> stephen: how do you avoid that? how do you avoid being not poisoned by being successful. >> i vacation in mexico. >> stephen: sounds good. it's our last question here. "comedians in cars getting coffee" available now on crackle.com. >> and on our own web site. type in the title and it will come up. did anyone see stephen's fantastic episode of "comedians in cars." >> stephen: those sound like three things you really like, comedians, cars, and coffee. >> i like all three. >> stephen: if you only had one of them which one would it be? >> the comedian. >> stephen: me, too. i think maybe jerry seinfeld. thank you, jerry. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much "comedians in cars getting coffee" is streaming now all over the internet. we'll be right back. family is expensive.
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) >> stephen: thanks for being here. i've wanted to talk to you for a long time. >> i thought i was going to get a monologue. when is my monologue? >> stephen: any time you want. you know what, jerry seinfeld made fun of your hair, and so by debate rules, you have a 30- second rebuttal if there's anything you would like to say about jerry seinfeld's hair. >> the next time we come out together, have him look in the mirror and say, "who's got the better hair, jerry?" >> stephen: that's true, that's true. i understand you cut your own hair. is that true? >> i'm conservative, man. i gotta save money. i got three kids in college. i got three kids in college. >> stephen: what do you use, nail clippers? what do you use to cut your hair? >> it's a bit random, and sometimes it involves drinking beforehand. >> stephen: is that what rand is short for, random paul? >> could be. >> stephen: how is your dad, by the way? i'm a fan of your dad's.
my dad is indomitable. we go home and he out-walks us, he out-rides us on the bike. he's in great shape. >> stephen: does he out-talk you? >> there's a close competition in our household for talking. there are a lot of talkers in the paul household. >> stephen: a doctor, as you are, and the thing i really like about your dad is that he's intellectually consistent. you know where he stands. are you as transparent in your beliefs as your dad is? >> i try to be almost as good. because if i were better, that would be embarrassing at home, if you're better than your dad. so i try to be almost as good. ( laughter ). >> stephen: if you've-- if you've had to curtail any of your beliefs in order to run for president, sit there and blink. ( laughter ) i got all night. and you got a new book right
it's called "taking a stand." the book's right there. now i've got the latest polls here, sir, and i'm not going to go into the numbers too much. it's a cnn nationwide poll. and you're on the list here. you're always in the top-card debate at this point. you're a little bit down the list, you know. you're behind rubio and carson and christie. you're above bush, kasich, and huckabee. the numbers somewhat don't really matter. what matters in this list is you're all over 25 points behind a guy who builds golf courses for a living. did you think governing experience would be a liability the way it is right now? >> there's another list on the other side of your card, and it says-- i was at the very top of this one. >> stephen: which one? >> the worst dressed list. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? >> can you believe -- >> stephen: they actually list it? >> you can believe they would put me at the top of the worst dressed list. >> stephen: you look fine. >> that's because my wife made me wear this. i was going to wear a mock turtleneck. i had cut-offs. >> stephen: do you wear mock turtlenecks? you look like tom brokaw. he's the last man to look good
>> you can get them for $7.99 at target. >> stephen: again, i hope your haircuts cost more than that. >> debatable. >> stephen: you were one of the first guys to go after donald trump and call him, like, a blowhard, or something like that. >> i think there's-- all kidding aside-- i think there's a certain seriousness to leading a nation of 300 million. >> stephen: god, i hope so! ( laughter ). >> and i guess what concerns me is in the last debate, there was a discussion of the nuclear triad. that means that we have missiles by air, by land, and by sea. >> stephen: as paul revere told us. >> exactly. ( laughter ) but the thing is, he seemed to be unaware that we even had that. but then a week later, it's even scarier. mr. trump says, "of course, we've got a nuclear triad, and our biggest problem is we've been unwilling to use it enough." >> stephen: really? >> and, i mean, we're kind of acting light, but that shouldn't be made light of.
eager to use. we have him and the big guy from new jersey. >> stephen: chris christie. he has a name, sir. he's not just-- he's not just-- >> but, anyway, he's eager to >> stephen: you said that if you wanted somebody to start world christie, and said, "here's your man." >> right. and i think that's the important part of these debates, is you want someone with judgment, someone with wisdom, and someone with restraint. and i worried. but interestingly, it's on both sides. hillary clinton wants a no-fly zone as well. she wanted to topple qadaffi as well. she wants regime change. and that's why i think the last debate was the best debate we had because we really had a discussion over is it really america's role in the world, or should it be america's role in the world to choose who the leaders are in the countries in the middle east? and that worked in the past. >> stephen: one of the things that's interesting about you and i like about you and i like
sometimes hard to pin down along sort of dogmatic ideological lines. some things you have in common with the left and some things you have in common with the right because you're a libertarian-ish? libertarian-ish? >> that's because i don't want to be quite as good as my dad. almost as good as my dad, libertarian-ish. >> stephen: he's libertarian and you're libertarian-ish. >> he's almost libertarian. i'm libertarian-ish. >> stephen: for people out there, what is a libertarian? how are they different from a republican or democrat? >> in sort of general terms, republicans haven't been very good with your privacy or your personal liberty. but democrats haven't been very good with your economic liberty. they want all kinds of rules on business that interfere with the marketplace. on the republican side, they have a government that wants to collect your phone records, be involved with what you do in your home. and libertarians say, you know what? we want to leave you the hell alone no matter what, whether it's your business or your
). ). >> stephen: is there anybody-- do you have anything in common with bernie sanders? >> yes, we work in the same place. >> stephen: yes. >> no, sometimes we do. i think that people on the left- - ron wyden i worked with in the senate. he would call himself, i think, a progressive democrat. he worked on the n.s.a. reform, trying to end the bulk collection of all our phone records, trying to bring the troops home from afghanistan and trying to have a less interventionist or more realistic foreign policy -- >> stephen: what about on drug policy reform? >> you're not going to talk about pot are you? >> stephen: are you a cop? because if you're a cop, you have to tell me you're a cop or this is entrapment. >> i thought we said before we would not talk about pot, stephen. >> stephen: you tried to sell me pot backstage. >> no. that was -- >> i'm sorry, you tried to sell me on the idea of changing sentencing guidelines for pot. i should have said the entire sentence.
tell you what, please come again, and we won't talk about pot. >> okay. >> stephen: senator paul. it's a pleasure. senator rand paul, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side representative. in a world that's trying to turn you into someone new... ...one hair color wants to help you keep on being you. nice'n easy. natural-looking color... ...that even in sunlight, doesn't look like hair color... it just looks like you. v nice'n easy: colorv
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>> stephen: my next guest is fresh off of two grammy nominations. here to sing, "rise up," from the album, "cheers to the fall." please welcome andra day! you're broken down and tired of living life on a merry-go- round and you can't find the fighter but i see it in you so we gonna walk it out and move mountains we gonna walk it out
and move mountains we gonna walk it out and move mountains and i'll rise up i'll rise like the day i'll rise up i'll rise unafraid i'll rise up and i'll do it a thousand times again for you ooh-ooh-ooh for you ooh-ooh-ooh for you for you all we need all we need is hope and for that we have each other