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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 20, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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at the 21 with just 1:36 remaining. looked like it was deflected at the line of scrimmage. phil: it did. datone jones got his big hand up. you know, he just -- he's one of the guys, he plays outside he's a defensive end pass rusher. he'll play defensive tackle on passes too. man, they can move them around. this team reminds me a lot of new england, a little bit on both side of the ball. jim: second down play. it is caught by miller. and three packers on him as he gets near the 50. phil: good throw by matt barclay. jim: the bears back in action on halloween night a week from
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league. another completion, jeffery for 11. i bet ryan pace, ever since hoyer went down in the second quarter, their general manager, he's probably making phone calls trying to figure out what are we going to do next? we have to get some guys in here. jim: look fighting for and it it is picked off by perry. so perry sacked his old college mate once and now he inter seppingts him. -- intercepts him. come on, dad. ( ? ) ? they tell me i'm wrong ? ? to want to stand alongside my, my love ?
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kin' 'bout my, my love ? you ready, dad? ? whoa-ooh ? ? ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ? jim: so matt barclay has been intercepted twice here in the fourth quarter. and now just a neilldown away from the packers im-- kneeldown away from the to 4-2 on the season. phil: datone jones, here he comes. going to come around on the outside. two deflections against matt barclay caused interceptions. jim: boy, barclay took a pretty good hit, too, after he threw it. he could have been hitter on that play but got back on his feet. green bay 4-2, heads to the road
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and the bears fall back to 1-6. again, down to their third string quarterback tonight. they've got now, what, 11 days to try to figure out this roster. phil: that's right and green bay has a lot to do too. a lot of work to do. maybe they figured some things out here in the second half with their offense. their offense. sure looked like it. receivers with at least 10 receptions, it had happened only one other time in the league since 1980. and that was in 194 in a patriots game against minnesota. -- 1984 in a patriots game against minnesota. bledsoe had 70 attempts in the game and the patriots had three catchers, if you will, with at least 10 receptions.
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green. adams, 13 for 132 and two touchdowns. cobb with another 11 for 4 yards and a touchdown and ty montgomery with 10 catches for 66 and montgomery led them in rushing with another 60 on the ground. tracy, down to you. tracy: thanks a lot, jim, and a little sigh of relief in that second half, even some smiles from you on the sideline. what changed offensively? how were you able to find your rhythm? >> just sticking with the plan. i turned it over we went behind. we felt good on -- about our defense being able to hold them. just a matter of scoring points. the urgency level, the focus picked up and put a couple of nice drives together. tracy: what did day haven't aver adams show you tonight? >> what he shows me every day in practice. he's a tough kid. i'm proud of him. played through injuries last year and didn't make excuses or plain the entire time.
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plays. i'm really proud of him. randall, ty montgomery. i'm really proud of our guys. we showed a lot of heart tonight. tracy: can you field off of tonight? is this what you're looking at this terms of your offense going forward? >> this is how we're going to have to play. without eddie for who knows how long and james, we'll have to do some of this. maybe nom not throw it 55es proud of our guys. we responded in an adverse situation and it showed some character coming through and i'm really happy to see that from our guys. jim: thank you, tracy. rodgers a career hype 39 completions and davante adams was on the injury report. he had suffered a concussion, was knocked out of the dallas game. he cleared the concussion protocol but was questionable
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boy, was he active. one of the team record with 13 catches. rodgers too superb tonight. green bay takes it. boy, we're shipping a ton of these goofy glasses. yeah. well, we gotta hand it to fedex. they've helped make our e-commerce so easy, and now we're getting all kinds of new customers. i know. can you believe we're getting orders from canada, ireland... this one's going to new zealand. new zealand? psst. ah, false alarm. deer! idiots... providing global access for small business. fedex. ? every time i travel, it's the moments that are most rewarding. ? because if you let yourself embrace them,
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now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. so no matter where you go, you are here. join or link accounts at was an unfair race to judgement in his case.. and he says he has a case.. and he says he has a video to prove it. robert kearney: i fought for my country in kosovo and iraq,
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donald trump call women pigs, dogs, and bimbos...and i sure don't want my daughters hearing it. i want my girls to grow up proud and strong, in a nation where they're valued and respected. donald trump's america is not the country i fought for. so, i'm voting for hillary clinton. hillary clinton:
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>> welcome to "the mazda postgame show." rich: davante adams becomes the first packer with at least 10 receptions, 100 yards receiving and two touchdowns at lambeau field. the first packer since ever. it's never happened before. never, ever.
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means, of course, he's going to be heading to our "the mazda postgame show" set live in lambeau field as the packers get a much-needed win. the bears do not. that become the first six-loss team in the national football league in 2016. there's adams' numbers. good lord, what a night for him and most of that was in the second half. as you know. steve mariucci, michael i'm rich eisen here. everybody was wondering what's going on with the packers offense and then the second half? what happened differently? steve: aaron rodgers was very first quarter. 20-26 for 176 and three touchdowns. a lot of short to interior meet and they abandoned the run. they had 16 yards with running backs. the rest were wide receivers. michael: i love when i'm listening to the game and i'm
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green bay and they're talking about the same things we were talking about. about having that timing, getting back to a timing offense. aaron rodgers was dropping back three, five, seven, bam. letting that ball go right now, not holding it. a few plays where rescrambled around but it was the exception, not the rule. we called out those wide receivers, cobb and up and we have to give them their due. rich: a tough break for brian hoyer. as the packers come up with that win. let's go back to lambeau field. jim nantz, phil simms. jim: thank you, rich. 26-10 or final score. what did you learn from this one tonight? five phil: i learned a lot. i learned the packers have a long way to go. yeah, they came back in the second half but i think they
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you heard that from aaron rodgers. something to build on and they mixed a little bit of what they were doing before, more of the normal offense i think people would expect. jim: next thursday night's game will be on the nfl network only. the jaguars and the titans. that a.f.c. south is hard to if i ever right now. phil: it's there for the taking that a.f.c. south. jacksonville has has played everybody tough. they can run. they're going to be a tough, tough matchup for tennessee's offense. jim: along forward to seeing you on sunday in pittsburgh for new england and the steelers. coming up next except on the west coast, your late local news and don't miss the late show be steven colbert. he's got tiger woods tonight on the show then it's the late, late show with james
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so the packers win it here 26-10 to improve 204-2. the bears are now 1-6 on the season. for more football, "the mazda postgame show" continues on nfl network. for phil, tracy and jay feely. this is jim nantz saying so long from green bay. thank you for watching "the mazda postgame show." ? at cricket wireless, we believe in smarter phones for all. switch to cricket and choose between the free alcatel streak...
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ask not what you can do for your network. ask what our great, big network can do for you. this just in, wendy's announces a new swiss jr. bacon cheeseburger as an option with the 4 for $4 for a limited time. with 4 nuggets, fries and a drink for just $4 the swiss jr. bacon cheeseburger. now back to america. ? ? you don't have to pay a lot to get a lot. at cricket wireless, plans now start at $30/mo. monthly taxes and fees included. and we have more 4g lte coverage than t-mobile or sprint. cricket wireless. something to smile about.
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watching this presentation to have national football league. was an unfair race to judgement in his case.. and he says he has a video to prove it. next on 10 news i spent many years as a nuclear missile launch officer. if the president gave the order we had to launch the missiles, that would be it.
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self control may be all that keeps these missiles from firing. [ sirens blearing ] i would bomb the [ beep] out of them. i want to be unpredictable. i love war. the thought of donald trump with nuclear weapons scares me to death. it should scare everyone. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. amendment 1 guarantees your right
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don't have to subsidize those who do. amendment 1 means commonsense consumer protections safeguarding seniors-and all floridians from scams, rip-offs, and long-term contract traps. that's the right way to do solar.
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10 news at 11. starts right now. >> concert canceled and band sits and ticket holders out cash. we tried to get to the bottom of the problem. >> # controversy. is this one promoting distracted driving. >> a former deputy breaks his silence talking to 10 news. why he feels this newly released video >> good evening. i'm dion lynn. a pinellas county deputy arrested with drug possession is speaking out. only to 10 news to clear his name. >> a co-anchor regional round tree spoke to him and deputy steven smith says he is innocent. >> he is adam about it. for four years deputy smith was considered a good deputy and things went down hill fast after an ex-girlfriend toll
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now his attorney says that this is a whistleblower and was started when he spoke out about policies in the sheriff's department. tonight we get an exclusive look at what he and his attorney believe is a rush to judgment in a bad case. >> we believe the charges were motivated because my client was a whistleblower. >> steven deputy was targeted by the deputy's office. he was questioning 30 deputies with field interview reports and trevino goes on with injuries like former deputy smith was involved in back in april of 2013. a suspect jumped from a vehicle with what appeared to be an ar15 and ran. >> they tried to specifically shape deputy smith's testimony about the incident in a way
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tampering. >> last week after smith was arrest sheriff bob waltero says he had a drug problem. >> he was trying to mask it and hide it. >> smith was charged with grand theft and possession of a controlled substance. trevino says there is a big problem with the drug charge. >> 31 years of practicing law i have yet to see a case where someone is charged with possession direct possession of a controlled substance and therar substances to offer into evidence. no drugs. >> but he says this was a rush to judgment. >> the sheriff has had a number of deputies who have admittedly committed criminal offenses but have never been charged. >> smith is looking for just one thing. >> i need to get my name back. that's the most important thing in my life. who i am as a man and father and who i was as a deputy. >> now he did reach out to the sheriff's office for a comment
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all they will about the firing. tomorrow attorney general john trevino will hol a press conference and 10 news will be there. >> a suspect in a strange of carjackings is in custody captured a few hours ago. ralph for the ez is accused of carjacking three people and injuring one woman. a witness described what he saw. >> she was just screaming. i mesc over there and then she fell down on the ground. >> venice police say they identified forte by a fingerprint and surveillance video frommal 8 spa massage. he admitted to committing the crime. the victims at the business underwent a successful surgery for head injuries. several canceled concerts in the bay area. ticket holders insist they have been refused refunds and they
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promoter. ten news reporter kendra conlin tracks it down to find out why the companies have had a sour note with bands and fans. >> saving able rocks the stage for the rock again tour in orlando earlier this mon and should have played in tampa the next day. fans showed up at the cuban club and the show did not go on. >> the same thing happened saturday to matt flooro and two dozen friends to see enough to discover the concert canceled. >> quit messing up the show. >> fans tell 10 news they have tried to get the money back and ticket master sending they did not have enough money for the show. >> both shows were a bust organized by st. pete organizer
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threatened him to sign over his stock and he refused they pull the block making american rock sounding off on facebook with problems about the promoters. >> there was inhospitable conditions and ended the night without being paid in full. did you pay them. >> they were paid. they were paid. >> >> yes. >> you don't believe you are a shady promoter that is not paying bands and leaving fans high and dry? >> no. >> phoenix productions does have other shows scheduled.
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concert goers are holding out on shelling more money. >> should people be concern that the same thing will happen. >> no. and i won't buy my ticket until i hear the band. >> as a former operator boziak served more than a year in prison for defrauding taxpayers out of a quarter million dollars in sales tax. he vows to set things straight with ticket master refund. >> talk about an awkward dinner party. rivals hillary clinton and donald trump took the stage to roast each other during a fundraiser for catholic charities. >> donald trump is as healthy as a horse. you know the one vladimir putin rides around on. >> hillary clinton is so corr the water gate commission. how corrupt do you have to be to get kicked off the water gate commission? >> did you see everybody faces in the background? some of the people at the al smith dinner said it was uncomfortable at time and barely spoke and sat away from each other but unlike the final debate they did shake hands when it was over.
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>> a deadly crisis, heroin addiction is sweeping the bay area and taking lives by the husband. manatee county is ground zero and courtney robinson breaks down the new numbers showing the growing problem that could be hurting your family. >> heroin has ripped apart families. claiming lives and overwhelming law enforcement trying to fight the drug war. in manatee county it has earned the reputation of drug death capital of the state. according to the department of law enforcement heroin was partially responsible for 45 deaths in 2015. fen ta nal 77 and this year looks to be deadlier with 891 suspected overdoses and 60 deaths. while law enforcement in both sarasota and manatee county is looking to stop the addiction and in the deadly trend, little seems to be working. >> we are not going to arrest our way out of this issue.
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arrests because this has got to stop. at the medical examiner's office the morgue is overcapacity. there is a record number of autopsies because of the spike in both phentenol and heroin related deaths. now, statewide 779 people died from heroin in 2015. phentenol claim 911 lives. >> new information. the feds sai has died from defective takata air bag. a 50-year-old california woman is the latest victim according to the national highway traffic safety administration. honda says she was driving in a civic and the air bags can inflate with too much force causing the interior to rupture. the problem started the largest auto recall in u.s. history. bash tide wild driving is gaining popularity on social media websites like instagram
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a photo while your driving and post it using the #. ten news reporter shannon buyer shows you this dangerous craze hitting the road. reporter: if you search for the # while driving on twitter thousands of tweets just like this come up. drivers bragging about using their phone while behind the wheel. >> it is playing russian roulette actually. >> a study done by erie insurance ranked florida the number two state in with the most people using the #. detective larry mckinnon explains that the social media attention and will do anything for that like or retweet. >> you are putting your life in danger for the title, the grand title of having this most outrageous picture. >> you don't want to be that person on the news that caused that accident or killed somebody. >> mckinnon saying calling a
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distracted driving is never easy. he finds it disturbing that there is actually a # encouraging people to do it. >> that heightens the tragedy of why they die because it is so easily avoidable. >> there are some apps to stop this driving and one is to disable the cell phone and use social media when someone is behind the mail. if you put the app our child or loved one's phone and they try to disable it, you will alert. now it does cost about $129. it's a story that just about everybody is talking about. nfl kicker josh brown trending online. the nfl will reopen the investigation after police release journal entries and emails that brown admitted that he verbally and physically abused his former wife. the new york giants have
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game. the giants organization says it will review the information before making a decision on his future with the team. sports director ryan bass joins us and a big question. what more information do you need before you make a final decision on this guy? >> that is what everybody is asking. the giants knew about the transgressions before they resigned him to a new contract. i want to quote the owner. he admitted to us that being josh brown that he abused his wife in the past and what unclear is the extend. what the hell matters he beat his wife and he shouldn't be sent home, he should be cut and fined and out of the league and potentially facing jail time. the nfl suspended brown stemming from a domestic violence dispute incident this past may. one game is what he got for this. >> he did not get anything more than that. this is a reoccurring problem. he had the ray rice incident
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scandal and now this incident and the nfl has to do something. a zero tolerance. if you hit a woman you are out of the league and josh brown needs to be the face of that. >> you heard ryan's thoughts and we want to know what you think about this. join the conversation right there on our facebook page, a snake slithers down a woman'g driving. new information released about this baseball player.
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it's not uncommon for autistic kids to flap their hands. and so when i saw that, that was completely disqualifying. i'm a republican, but this election is so much bigger than party. my son max can't live in trump world. so i'm crossing party lines and voting for hillary. and she's smart. she can work with people to solve problems. i want to be able to tell my kids that i did the right thing when it really mattered. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message.
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you heard of snakes on planes but snakes in cars. seems to be the new problem. on tuesday we we showed you this video from a pinellas county man that showed us a 6- foot snake from his hood and this time the snake was inside the car. a south carolina woman says this snake popped its head out of the dashboard of her truck.
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it played peekaboo and saying hi. she started to pray the snake did not get any closer. >> he had come back through the dash and when he came down he was bumping the side of my leg and i said this is it. i stopped and threw it in park and reached in and grabbed him until i got his tail and slammed him in the road. lisa says she couldn't figure out how the snake got into her truck in the first place so she had a solution to her problem. she went home that cleaned out her truck and sold it. tracking storms. alerting you, protecting your family. it is time for 10 weather. and i really commend her for staying so calm. it would be a different scenario. i would just start screaming. it would be bad. let's talk about good stuff and that's the cooler air that is on tap for the weekend. right now it is pretty mile out there. 77 degrees in tampa at peter knight airport. at the executive airport 68
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it up to 90s for both tampa execute airport and peter o'knight. hard to believe it is late october with temperatures like that. one more mile morning for your friday and you can let the kids go to school with shorts and a t-shirt. that will be fine. they don't need a jacket. tomorrow mostly sunny skies and things are changing. check out the cooler air across the northern country. 38 in minneapolis st. paul. this air going towards tampa for the weekend. there's the frontal boundary right there. we are seeing rain associated with this area of low pressure across portions of the ohio valley so one more mile day with temperatures in the mid- 80s and we will see mostly sunny skies and just a few clouds from time to time with winds out of the northwest at 13. breezy ahead of the front coming through tomorrow night. and let's check it outside. nothing more than a few clouds
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dry air that we won't see much rain with the frontal passage. the big scenario, you can see the the front sweeping through. plenty of sunshine and you can leave the umbrellas at home. the dry air overcoming the sunshine state, the coldest air of the season. you are going to feel it. dew points dropping down into the low 40s even a dew point as low as 39 gainesville and 35 in tallahassee. that is more like a winter airmass down here in florida. quick check on the tropics, invest 99, a 50% chance of developing in our depression and moving to the northwest it will not affect us and check out sunday morning, 49 degrees. that is the forecast for crystal river. here is the seven-day forecast. it is a good looking one. sunday morning our coldest start, 56 for tampa and then
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lows in the upper 60s. dion and rej. >> ryan merit knows this. he helped secure the world series last night and fans found a unique way to say thank you. a length of the wedding registry went viral spreading the words to fans. pe the couple nearly every single item off of their target and pottery barn list. >> i love the sentiment behind it and i looked at the registry and i can't pass this up. a way to thank him and welcome him to the tribe. >> i bought a towel.
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brought gift cards. now the couple has to figure out what they are going to do with all of those gifts. if you love the bolts and bucks, you know the names, alec dee loren and cameron drake. >> they are both ivy league grads so we put them to the test. a little trivia time with killer and cam. coming up amendment 1 guarantees your right to generate your own solar energy. it also guarantees that those who don't choose solar don't have to subsidize those who do. amendment 1 means commonsense consumer protections safeguarding seniors-and all floridians from scams, rip-offs, and long-term contract traps. that's the right way to do solar.
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don't miss it.
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coast hyundai dealers sports desk. >> 6 years ago the lightning was a first class organization. i would say mission established. espn named the lightning the best franchise not in only the nhl but in all of sports beating out 12100s. based on 25 categories from owners and fan support and the lightning are king. maybe the pressure got to them because they did not live up to that ranking on the ice against the avalanche. first loss of the season. ut colorado. here is the loss. >> the first period scoring job continues for the bolts. john cooper post game, you just can't keep testing fate. and now piling on and here is what is worse. the lightning god awful 0 for
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because they capitalized on all three changes in the season opener. you have to convert for those opportunities. and here is what you need to know. it is all about number 9 matthew duchene owns the lightning and scored the first two goals and 7 to go along with four assists and 11 career goals. mattie d a nightmare on the ice. >> you stand no chance against these two in jeopardy. maybe that is being but two of the smartest. alex korn and drake have the crimson crest. which of the two harvard bran brains are the smartest.
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in tampa. cologne and corn striking out a relationship. they lived in the same house at harvard but didn't know one another. he is two years older than me, knew the name. >> i knew he was a football player and never knew we would play in the same city. >> we put them to the test the best way possible. random trivia knowledge. >> what is the only chess piece that can be moved diagonally. >> the bi of earth. >> oh. diameter. that is excellent question. >> harvard. >> name the three primary colors on the color list. >> blue, red and what is it, yellow? >> red, blue, yellow. >> what year did the cold war
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>> yes. >> i don't know. 1980. >> 1989. >> . i think he has had enough. >> those were tough questions. >> they were. >> crazy. just tip was in the locker room interviewing alec and even bishop and laughing at the trivia questions. they had fun. great job. >> no pressure. everybody watching. not at >> we will be right back. tonight's lottery numbers brought to you by dimmitt chevrolet. see what hundreds of new cars look like. by them in price and make the dimmit difference. visit where visit where rocountry in kosovo and iraq, y
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donald trump call women pigs, dogs, and bimbos...and i sure don't want my daughters hearing it. i want my girls to grow up proud and strong, in a nation where they're valued and respected. donald trump's america is not the country i fought for. so, i'm voting for hillary clinton. hillary clinton:
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elise: we couldn't believe it. that poor girl was raped by two football players and their friends. we were sure they would go to jail. so, when i heard state attorney mark ober decided to go easy on them, i was scared -- none of those young men served a day behind bars. ober said losing a baseball scholarship
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you love all-day breakfast. but you don't love that you can't get all your favorites. but now you can get more of what you love. so you can find something else to not love. like hearing the sound of your own voice. >> this has nothing to do with the snake. the cutest story.
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wear super hero costumes. two years straight she wore the superman dress and cape every single day and her parents were not surprised when she carried her superman figurine for this adorable school picture. >> how cute is that. >> and her little doll. >> what is she wearing for halloween? >>
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captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: elijah wood! so great to have you on the show! >> i'm happy to be here stephen... again. >> stephen: you were on this show before? >> yep. >> there's video tape of it. >> stephen: a lot of guests come through here. >> it was only a few months ago, stephen. >> stephen: mmm -- you stopped by to tell me how great it was to have me on the show. >> stephen: doesn't sound like me
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>> stephen: i say, i would love for you to say what is says, and then i'll say what is say >> something about a guest who isn't going to say what it says. >> say it! >> stephen: it says you're uncool. >> this is a vintage sweater. i challenge you to settle this like gentlemen! ? ? ( shouting ) (two months later) >> stephen: elijah, great to have you on the show. >> i've been here a couple times, stephen. >> stephen: are you sure? >> remember i was on that one time, and then i came on again and we argued about you not remembering the first time?
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>> and then we jousted? >> stephen: uhhhh... no. >> you still have a lance sticking out of your gut. >> stephen: that's always been there. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes tiger woods, elijah wood and jorge ramos, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! thank you, everybody! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen : jon batiste, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show"! thank you so much! good to see you! ( piano riff ) hi, everybody! thank you so much! awfully nice. awfully nice. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. everybody feeling all right? >> stephen: thank you so much for your energy. we have a trump hangover. we are all still recovering from last night's third and final debate, if there is a god. now, everybody's wondering who won. well, cnn named the winner hours before the debate began. they say it was excedrin, for
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a debate headache is high, be prepared with excedrin." cute. of course, after watching the debate, we know the real winner was: "nyquil-- sweet darkness of sleep, it's your only escape." the polls say clinton won, but trump is no longer accepting the polls or really anything else because this is what he said. last night, when chris wallace asked him if he would accept the election results. >> what i'm saying is that, i'll tell you at the time. i'll keep you in suspense. >> stephen: yes, suspense. that's presidential. it reminds me of fdr's first inaugaral -- >> the only thing we have to fear is... stay tuned to find out! ( dramatic music )
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yeah! got chills. didn't know. didn't know. spoiler alert. it was nazis. ( laughter ) now, a lot of people say not promising to accept the results disqualifies trump from the presidency. so, today, trump assured voters that he believes in the peaceful transfer of power. >> ladies and gentlemen, i want to make a major announcement today. i would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters and to all of the people of the united states that i will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election.
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( audience reacts ) >> stephen: ha-ha! oh, come on! you got to give it to him! you know, you really got me for a second there! i actually believed you had a shred of integrity. what an amazing psych-out. it's like that classic joke where you offer to shake somebody's hand, but when they go to shake it, you undermine our system of government. ( laughter ) so, how did we get to the point where the fate of the american experiment rests in donald trump's tiny, whining, loser hands? ( cheers and applause ) truly. truly, the (bleep) has grabbed
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( cheers and applause ) watch it. and undermining 250 years of representative democracy to protect his ego wasn't trump's only contribution to the debate. listen to what he said about mexican immigrants. >> we're going to get them out and secure the border and, once the border is secured, at a later date, we'll make a determination as to the rest. but we have some bad hombres here, and we're gonna get them out. i think he thinks he's running for sheriff. we got hombres, mu chachos, compadres, quesadillas. ( laughter ) i am actually kind of surprised that trump didn't do better because he prepared. trump held practice debates with chris christie playing the role of hillary clinton. so trump was ready, if hillary started weeping quietly while
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of course, hillary also had her moments. here's what she said about her tax plans -- >> we are going to go where the money is. >> stephen: and she knows where the money is. it's where she gives her speeches. now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, well, it's been an upsetting campaign, hasn't it, jon? >> we have to deal with it, but it's only four years.
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means it's time for every american to perform their civic duty, threatening to move to canada if their candidate doesn't win. this happens every four years. canada is like america's safety school. i thought, what would it take if you wanted to move to canada. jim? i met with toronto-based canadian immigration lawyer, andrew cumming, to find out how to turn over a new maple leaf. thanks so much for talking to me today. >> pleasure to meet you. >> stephen: so what do we got here? ask away, on behalf of my audience. >> so, your name, exactly as it appears on your passport. >> stephen: it's stephen colbert. c-o-l-b-e-r-t. >> stephen, do you have any nicknames? >> stephen: oh, let's see: steve, steve-a-rino, eightball,
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>> stephen, how old are you? >> stephen: how old do you think i am? don't worry about my feelings. just shoot from the hip. you're not going to, you're not going to. you're not going to hurt. whatever you want. what do you think? how old do you think i am? >> 52. >> stephen: okay, ( bleep ) you. all right. i mean, i apologize. i mean, correct. i mean, good for you. good for canada, you. >> sex? >> stephen: sure, yeah. let's do it. >> i'll take that as male. >> stephen: what? >> color of your es? >> stephen: tell me what color they are. do you remember? >> dark brown. >> stephen: okay, pretty good. you are a very attentive lover. your eyes are beautiful, they are like jade. >> thank you. >> stephen: like polished jade, like precious stones that i found in a tomb in a forgotten valley somewhere in mongolia. and as i held the glistening stones in my hands and run the fresh spring water over them to reveal their agate glory...


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