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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 28, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs ? ? ? >> oh, no. oh, no. oh, no! no! no! no! oh, another perfect show. >> stephen: hey! this ends today, car carey. >> what are you doing here? >> don't you yodely guy me. you find it so amusing marching me up the mountain every day and over the side to my death just because somebody doesn't know the price of canned tuna? what kind of sick bastard are you? >> calm down.
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>> stephen: i'll put it down in your skull. >> you're mad. >> stephen: oh, yeah when i'm going to poke holes in you like a lean cuisine frozen dinner. >> $6. >> stephen: sorry. force of habit. >> stephen: the next miewnt of mountain i'm going to summit is your rotting corpse. >> what are we doing? we've been through so much together. look, i can put a price on ot lasagna, but i can't put a price on our friendship. >> stephen: $48. >> let's find out. ( buzzer ) oh! >> stephen: i'll get you, drew carey, you sick bastard! i'll see you in hell! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert."
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drew carey. claire foy and matt smith. and comedian bastian maniscalco. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! woooo! thank you very much. >> jon: hey! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks so much. chris. what's up, mark? welcome to the "late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. with all the excitement of the presidential election, we haven't been focusing on what
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nothing. and we're really feeling all that nothingness now that the supreme court is back in session with only eight justices after the passing of antonin scalia. for a record seven months, republicans have refused to even grant a hearing to obama's pick, merrick garland. and even if they did, he'd still be a long shot, because now he's got a seven-month gap on his resume to explain. they've been saying obama shouldn't get to pic he's a lame duck. we should wait for the next president. but wednesday, ted cruz suggested that "the g.o.p. may block supreme court nominees indefinitely," adding, "there is certainly long historical precedent for a supreme court with fewer justices." that is true. just 238 years ago, we had zero justices. ( applause ) i mean, we've had-- it's true. fact check it. you can fact check that.
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for the last 147 years, but ted cruz is in a bad mood, so do we really need three branches of government anymore? ( laughter ) if no new justices are confirmed, the fact is, the grim reaper will eventually have the majority vote. so to stabilize the court, clearly, we need to appoint supreme court justices who live forever, like justice galapagos turtle, justice redwood, and justice ruth bader ginsborg. ( cheers and applause ) resistance is futile. resistance is futile. some amazing news from the animal kingdom. researchers have discovered that "the louder a howler monkey is, the smaller its testicles are." and if the testicles are really small, the monkey puts his name on buildings and runs for president.
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and i gotta say, if a loud voice is a sign of small testicles, i just want to say to the researchers, congratulations on this amazing discovery. there is some lesser news, smaller, more fun kind of stories out there, like this one. russia is preparing for nuclear the world series and realized the end is near. russian state tv just released footage of a country-wide nuclear preparedness drill involving 40 million citizens. do they know something we don't? should i spend the weekend making jerky? because it's not just drills. two weeks ago, st. petersburg approved a plan to store enough grain to provide bread to each city resident for 20 days. and there's no better way to reassure the public than with the message, "you'll be around
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now, enjoy a hearty bread sandwich!" the war hysteria is being stoked by russian tv, evidently, which earlier this month warned citizens that: "schizophrenics from america are sharpening nuclear weapons for moscow." yeah, we're sharpening our nuclear warheads, so in case we lose the launch codes, we can shiv you in the showers with them. and russia isn't just playing defense. they recently unveiled a nuclear rocket, which has the adorable pet name "the satan 2." really, russia? did you already have a "satan 1?" and you couldn't come up with a better name than "satan 2: satan harder?" here are some better ones. how about the "thunder fister?" or something truly terrifying, "the samsung galaxy note 7."
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but russia still has time for science. because a russian expedition just discovered a secret nazi military base near the north pole. the outpost was called schatzgraber, which is german for "treasure hunter," and not the thing donald trump bragged about. ( laughter ) the north pole base was constructed as a weather station which provided such valuable arctic weather reports as "it is we're freezing our schnitzels off." fortunately for the allies, the base was abandoned after just one year because "the staff was poisoned by eating raw polar bear meat contaminated with roundworms." how many times do i have to say it: cook your polar bear meat! it's not furry sushi. but there's an even bigger revelation-- i've said it to you many times.
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a nazi base near the north pole? that can only mean one thing-- santa is a secret nazi! think about it. hear me out here. it's possible. he's named klaus. he wears shiny boots. need more proof? i don't have any. ( laughter ) and i don't want to believe this about my beloved santa, so here to address these allegations is kris kringle himself. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome santa claus. ( cheers and applause ) please, right here, santa. thank you. santa, i hope you forgive me, but there are some nasty rumors out there that you are secretly a nazi. can you put our minds at ease? >> lies! all lies! i am the sweet old man you know and love from your childhood. >> stephen: well, that's what i was hoping to hear. i gotta say, i can't place that accent. what is that?
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>> stephen: you know, your time before being santa is a little hazy. how exactly did you come to live at the north pole? >> it was in 1946. i come up here for a vacation, and i see all this beautiful land near the pole, and i say, "i must annex pole land!" ( laughter ) is there okay, that add up. that as up. i'm so relieved, santa. and now every christmas-- >> i fly through ze sky, bringing presents for the good children all around the ganse velt! >> santa claus, thank you for being here. santa claus, everybody. >> make america great again!
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we've got a great show for you. we've got drew carey! and when we return, i will be buck naked. stick around. ? ? ? advil liqui - gels work so fast you'll ask what bad back? what pulled hammy? advil liqui - gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster or longer what
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what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. (cheering on tv) you may write me down in history, with your bitter, twisted lies. you may trod me in the very dirt, you can shoot me with your words... you can cut me with your lies... you can kill me with your hatefulness. but still, like air...
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i was out here smoking instead of being there for my son's winning shot. that was it for me. that's why i'm quitting with nicorette. only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. rts to relieve sudden cravings fast. every great why needs a great how. every great why ? oh ? ? with a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of ? ? i said, it's getting hot in herre ?
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to the show. those of you watching before the commercial break, i did yell into the camera when we came back from the commercial break i would be buck naked, and that was a typo. i want to apologize. i'm actually going to be buck naked on our live election night
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please join us. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. right? i can be buck naked, right? but not aroused. not aroused, but buck naked. ( laughter ) those are the rules. welcome to my world. jon, i understand you have a very special guest with the band tonight. i'm very excited she's here. tell everybody hois here. >> jon: yes, indeed, we have the lovely and mann. >> bless you. >> stephen: so nice to see you again. thanks for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: you know i'm a big fan. and you're doing a sock for the web tonight and it's called "can't you tell." >> yeah. >> stephen: what's the background of the song? how did the song come about? >> it's the 30 songs in 30 days. it's a dave eggers project, and he had different artists write their version of an anti-trump song. >> stephen: uh-huh.
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like to write introspective songs, i wrote it from his viewpoint. >> stephen: yeah. >> so it's in the first person. and i sort of feel like there was an aspect to trump where he wants to win? but kind of maybe thinks he's running for king rather than president. like he doesn't really want the job necessarily. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> so i sort of took that emprisand wrote the?? song about that. >> stephen: well, it's a beautiful song, at gets to the heart of his. >> craziness. >> stephen: madness? yeah, great minds think alike about crazy people. ( laughter ) all right. well, folks you know my first guest tonight from the "the drew carey show," and "whose line is it anyway?." 10 years ago this man took over from bob barker as the host of "the price is right." now it's celebrating 45 years on the air. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome drew carey.
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? ? ? ( applause i >> wearing -- >> that was some nice physical comedy you can right there. >> new shoes tonight. and they have a very slippery floor. >> stephen: mine are rubberized. >> you almost had a lawsuit on your hand. >> stephen: do you want to own the building? i wouldn't mind a new landlord. welcome and congratulations. you're coming up on your tenth year. >> can you believe that, tenth year as host. >> stephen: extraordinary. even more congratulations. congratulations to cleveland because you're mr. cleveland and they've had an amazing sports year. >> i'm so happy. this is a good sports year. the caves won the n.b.a. championship. the indians have a chance to win the world series. i own a soccer team, and they have a chance-- the game will be
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hopefully we have a chance to win the championship. my dream season was have all those three things happens-- indians champions and the browns. >> stephen: they're 0-7 right now. >> the browns cannot win any game this year or they'll ruin the whole season for everybody. >> stephen: have you been watching the series so far? >> yeah, yeah, very excite gld this is actually-- we're actually taping this before the are you going to go to any of the games? >> if it goes to six and seven i have time off. i'd rather be here than be at a world series game. >> stephen: same here, drew. you're awfully sweet. >> yeah. they says, "would you rather go to a world series things, this once-in-a-lifetime thing or go to new york and coa promo?" i said i'd rather go to new york. >> stephen: people at home who
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you're circ it's not 11:30 in the morning. it's 11:30 at night. kids must say i watch you when i'm home sick from school. that's when i first saw "the price is right." >> when i was first offered the show i thought that was all that happened. they said do you want to the show? and i said, "the old man show that people only watch when they're sick. no thanks." and i turned them down flat when they asked me. i was doing ath game show on cbs and after the show got picked up it took having another meeting with them to do the show. they explained who is watching it. it's not just sick people. it's stoners. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you run the gamut from the sick to the stoned. >> exactly. >> stephen: did you watch it growing up? >> no, i watched it when i was sick. >> stephen: i loved "the price is right" because i knew if i was watching it, that mean mom bought whatever i was selling
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well. >> it got to be really popular-- the show wented to '72 and went to an hour in '75. when i went to college it started out as an hour-long show and was popular. i used to watch it. i never watched it when i was a kid because i was never around. in college i watched it between classes. a lot of people don't know this, but when i was in college i scheduled one whole season of classes around "the gong show." that's what kind of freak i was. "the gong show shows were more important for me than going to class. the class is at 1:00. i won't go to that one. i guess i'll change my major. >> stephen: you called "the price is right" a calling marine job. what do you mean a calling? >> i have said that to people. i feel like everything i have done in my life has prepared me to be the host of "the price is right." all my stand-up experience, all my improv experience, the idea that i hosted another show, you know, "whose line is it
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experience. and also the fact that i was dead broke all the way up until my 30s makes me appreciate everything i'm doing. when a game show gives away at night time $100,000, it seems blah have a. and when you give away $2,000 and that's all they win, they're still excited and i'm excited for them. i used to be completely broke and i know how valuable $2,000 is. all that stuff prepared me to empathize with people and do a good job as a host. i feel like >> stephen: you're a buddhist, right? >> yeah, yeah. >.>> stephen: i did not know that about you until one of my producers told me beforehand. how does buddhism help you in your job? >> it's weird being a buddhism and being host of "the price is right" because one of the key thungz about buddhism is not have attachments to things or want things. >> stephen: material possessions. >> yes. a lot of times i'm talk to somebody in the audience and i go, "what do you do? and they go, "i'm a minister."
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on the folly of wanting material goods. >> stephen: "how much would you pay for nothingness?" >> how much meditation would you put in to achieve this happiness. >> stephen: we'll take a break and be back with more can drew carey. stick around. ? ? ? ( applause ) ? ? lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for $349 a month. only at your lincoln dealer. ?
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? ? ? 23rd times the charm. shhh. (clink) boom. yes! 23rd time is the charm, cliff. s, you did. (shelly thinking) this must be how odell beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. touchdown! odell beckham jr. (crowd noise) (odell thinking) this must be how shelly felt when she won that purple bear. ? ?
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>> yeah! >> stephen: aimee mann, everybody. we're back with drew carey. i have a beef with you. i have a comedy beef with you. >> really? >> >> stephen: yes. for many years as the people out there know, and ( cheers and applause ) as you mentioned before you were the host of "whose line is it anyway?." i was very happy, very honored that you guys asked me to come
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and-- and 2000, plaib. >> you were great by the way. >> stephen: thank you. that is nice of you to say. diimprovisation before then in chicago. i said i just have one request. i just have one request. please, i'll do anything. don't ask me to rap because, like, white guy rapping, like white guy rapping, i just-- i can't do it. and i-- >> it's fun to watch. >> stephen: it is. agonizing to do. fun to watch. and so have and the very last thing i did was entire-- i think we shot two guys or something in one sitting. you're like, "all right, let's do a rap. stephen, why don't you get up on stage." and i was like damn it! >> you know, i had nothing to do with that. that's all dan patterson and the production crew. they're the ones who did that. >> stephen: you tell them to go to hell. >> i will. i think at the end of the show, the band you have a special
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>> if you want me to. >> stephen: you'll bet. we'll see if we have time, drew. ( laughter ) >> give me a beat! >> stephen: exactly. now i've got a couple of questions here. >> sure. >> stephen: because my graphics department here-- >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: they're absolutely addicted. >> so, they're addicted because during the day, they're doing graphics and they have the tv on the in background when they're supposed to be working. >> stephen: that's exactly right. they're working like they consider you a member of the graphics department. >> well -- >> because you're there i have some rapid-fire questions here they need to know because they're really curious about "the price is right." "describe the tension of the spinning wheel. how hard is it to spin?" >> uh, it's actually a lot heavier than people think it is because it's made out of wood, plywood. if you ever see, like, a really old lady or something like that, that distribute have a?? lot of? strength they're almost the perfect spinners if they go first because they can get it
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do you get hurt from enthusiastic hugging?" >> i get asked that a lot. "you must get tired of getting picked up." i love it. only one time, i think the second or third season, a woman kicked me in the nuts. it wasn't a full-on. it was more like a love-tap kind of thing. it was one of those "pay attention" ones you get once in a while. >> stephen: and the guys and the girls in graphics have a theory about their theory is if you drop the chip from the dot of the i.on the plinko sign ryou more likely to win $10,000?" >> my theor seyou should drop it from the from and the dot of the "i--" if you're looking at it-- is off to the left a little bit so you want to drop it where the break in the "n" is on the bottom. you want to drop it there. it's in the middle if i was playing pinko, i would crop it
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i would thereto drop from the middle. that to me has the best chance of getting the $10,000. >> stephen: that's professional advice right there. >> straight for the horse. straight for the horse. >> stephen: lastly, we here lover "the price is right." we love "the price is right" theme song. we believe the "the price is right" theme song can make anything happy. >> i actually. >> when get up in the morning, when i brush my teeth and stuff, it's playing in my head ? i'm getting ready for >> stephen: we will prove it can make anything happen pewe will play it over film footage. we have a couple loaded up here. this is the first example of how "the price is right" theme song can make any moment happy. jim.
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>> stephen: it's magic! do you want to do one? >> is that the only one you have? >> stephen: no, no, we have another. would you like to call for one? >> what's his name? jim, put up another one. this is funny. >> what is it! no, not the bees! not the bees! aaahhh! ? ? ? got you here, i've got one more, the one i've wanted to see. we've been doing this for a while but this is my favorite one. this is special to me and i hope you don't mind if we do one more. >> nota of at all. >> stephen: jim? >> you fools.
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>> stephen: wizardry. well, drew, it was lovely to have you here, man. thanks so much. >> stephen: "the price is rightr airs weekdays on the cbs. television network. drew carey, everybody! we'll be right back with claire foy and matt smith. ? why get your eyes checked the old fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you.
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hillary clinton: this is not an ordinary time, and this is not an ordinary election. i want to send a message to every boy and girl o the entire world. that america already is great, but we are great because we are good. we are going to lift each other up. i want us to heal our country and bring it together. we have to start getting the economy to work for everyone... not just those at the top. making the best education system from preschool through college. making it affordable, because that's, i think, the best way for us to get the future
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my vision of america is an america where everyone has a place. this is the america that i know and love. if we set those goals and we go together, there's nothing that america can't do. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. -pphplause ) my next guests play prince?r?? philip and queen elizabeth ii in the netflix series, "the crown." >> are you my wife or the queen. >> my queen commands me. >> yes. >> i beg you make an exception for me.
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>>?? please welcome matt smith?d claire foy. ( applause )??5a ( applause ). >> stephen: welcome.?i?i welcome to the show. >> thank you for having us. >> stephen: now, you royals in "the crown." i'm an?r american. you're?? british. sell me on royalty. ( laughter ) isn't the royal family just?i a tourist trap at this point? >> yes. no. well, okay-- >> right. >> royalty, they have lovely, lovely clothes. they live in a lovely big house. >> yes. >> terribly good manners. claire. >> they?? look quite nice, quite attractive. >> stephen: they do.
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because, you know, the queen has been-- how long will she be on the crown-- i mean on the throne. >> 64 years. >> stephen: how long has she been on the throne. >> 64 years. >> longer than queen victoria. >> stephen: it's hard to imagine her and the prince as young. was it a famous courtship? was it followed by paparazzi and that sort of thing? >> well, she was 13-- bear with me-- when she met him. >> stephen: it was a simpler time. >> it was a sim but yes for?r her, he's?? the oy one. and he was 19 at the time. but they -- >> how did they meet? >> well, they were sort of engineered. it was kind of engineered by a guy called lord mount batten who basically wanted phill marry into the royal family. what's really amazing about them is actually in their day they were such huge celebrities. i mean, tens of thousands would turn up just to see these guys
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>> stephen: they were the brangelina. >> they were brangelina. sheeches kim kardashian. >> one and the same. >> stephen: so this?i is right before they got married and the first part of their marriage together, and elizabeth having to deal with all the drawm of being-- all the pressures of?r being queen. is there-- is there sex in thisi series? ( laughter ) ithey're a husband and wife. and do we get to see queen elizabeth?i and prince philip he sex in the series? ( laughter ) do w moment we see phillip's... um-- >> bottom. >> stephen: bottom, exactly. >> we do see phillip's bottom, yes. >> stephen: for an extended period of time. >> yes! >> twice, twice! >> stephen: >> stephen: twice. uh-huh. >> you know, it is the best bit of acting that i do. ( laughter ) it truly is. >> stephen: but how do-- how does the royal couple make love? are they just sort of waving across the bedroom to each
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a bit of a history lesson, actually. they slept in separate bedrooms, literally miles away from each other. >> stephen: how did you get prince charles if that happened? >> i don't know. texting. >> stephen: did the two of you get to meet the queen and the prince, consult? >> not in-- i've met them. >> stephen: what's that like? >> brief. >> brief. >> yeah. >> but sensational. >> oh, really, really, a real moment, yes. you line up and someone shouts your name. they go, and you are pushed on and you go... and then you leave. >> stephen: do you talk? do you say anything? i didn't, no. i just went... >> stephen: is she bigger? is she smaller than you think? >> she's very small. >> stephen: she's 147 years old now, isn't she? she's shrinking. did you have to go to royal classes to, like-- there's-- what we think of as people from england, and then there's the
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of english. do you get taught to be royal? >> kind of. as a chap-- chap. i'm sounding posh now. actually, we're very common, aren't we? >> we are. >> stephen: to american ears you-- i would buy you totally as a member of the royal family. >> as a chap, called major david, he's on set -- >> major david. is he actually >> he was. he was a major for the army and worked for the royal house for years. and anything you do, if do you it wrong, high goes, "i don't think you'd do that. i think you'd pick it up like this," literally to the socks you would wear or what ring you would have, everything. he's very particular. >> stephen: before we go, i wonder if you could show me how a member of the royal family would drink-- would drink tea,?i okay? all right? >> claire's the queen. >> stephen: claire, please.
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ell me when i get something wrong. >> oh, there's actually tea in it! that's exciting. >> stephen: come on, necessary network television. >> that's really good. no sugar, thank you. >> stephen: cream? >> a little drop, yes. >> splash. >> that's perfect. who is having it? are you having it or am i having it? oh, thank you. >> stephen: i'll follow you. show me if i get this right. >> do you want one? >> i'll just watch. >> it's going terribly well so far. >> stephen: so far? >> right. ( laughter ) >> major david-- >>?r absolutely not! no! you can never,heker leave the saucer. you have to-- yes, that's it. >> i found this out of out yesterday, i didn't know this-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much.
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"the crown" is available november 4 on netflix. matt smith and claire foy, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian sebastian maniscalco. y stick around. est fan. autumn was born on the first day of fall. and from an early age she learned to love the season. leaf piles and pumpkin pies. hot apple cider and cozy sweaters. which brings us to the very moment she fell for fall all over again. was she expecting to find the perfect designer boots you never know what you're gonna find, but you know you're gonna love it. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. this is pepsi zero sugar. zero sugar. (ooooh) zero calories. (ooooo) but max pepsi taste. (wow) (applause) pepsi zero sugar. enjoy your phone! you too.
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. my next guest has had three stand-up specials on showtime and was just named one of "people" magazine's "ones to
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you get to watch him right now. please welcome sebastian maniscalco! ( cheers and applause ) >> before i start, i gota give it up to the crowd waiting in the rain to get in here. huh! ( cheers and applause ) i saw some of you pull up in uber. i know that's uber. uber"x." what is that? it's like hitchhiking with your phone. god knows what's going to pull up tonight to pick you up. some guy in a ford fes festiva. grocery in the back. child seat. loose popcorn.
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you on an errand? ( laughter ) uber black. that's supposed to be better. better car. you ever get in an uberblack car? that guy, he can't stop talking about his candy. ( laughter ) as soon as you get in, "candy in the back if you want it! i got the jolly ranchers. i got suckers! iphone 4, 5 what? "i got crest whitestrip if you want." crest whitestrip? it's a three-minute ride. ( laughter ) it's weird. they're rating you. you're rating them. everyone is on some fake behavior. you feel like you've got to talk to the guy or you're going to get a star. as soon as you get in, "how long
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( laughter ) and they never just do uber. they always got some weird side business. right? you can him "how long you been--" "come on, my friend. i do uber10 hours a week. i got real business. i got discotheque in istanbul." istanbul! do you know when you're going. i got another thing on ubercalled house for one hour. why would do you that? ( laughter ) i've never been sitting around the house and tell me wife, "babe, call uber, get a cat over here. i need something to pet." ( laughter ) we trust our phones too much. can you imagine 30 years ago, a foreign guy pulling up in a black sedan telling you, "get
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of here!" ( applause ) not today. you're look, "are you gugek?" can the photo doesn't really look like you, but i think this is it!" ( laughter ) that's technology. it's everywhere-- web sites. there's a big web site, airbnb. house. ( laughter ) right? is it worth the extra $100 to have some psychotic family show up at your door? "hello!" i couldn't do this! i couldn't have strange people live with me for the weekend. if i did, i'd have to burn the room they lived in. as soon as they left, i would torch everything-- torch the mattress.
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tempurepedic. it's weird. i get it all the time. i don't stay with people, either. i came here to new york city. there's a couple i know. they're like, "stay with us! we have plenty of room." i am not staying with you. you ever stay with people? they put you in some weird room nobody uses. single i can't get comfortable. you ever slip into a strange bed? i look to my left, there's a booger wall. somebody started a booger wall! and nothing works in the house! the homeowner has to come in before you go to bed. they gotta knock on the door, "are you sleeping yet?"
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you got a beerg wall here. did you see that?" "just a couple things. don't use the bathroom in the hallway. if you flush that, we're going to have to evacuate the house? " what? "in the shower, cold is hot, hot is cold. we're been trying to fix that. after you're done showering, if you could please squeegee--" squeegee! i'm going to get clean, naked. i gotta search for some weird wand that's been living in your shower for 33 years and start wiping shower pelets off the glass as my ass hit the floor! you guys were great. ( applause ) >> stephen: we'll right back
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robert kearney: i fought for my country in kosovo and iraq, and i've been a republican all my life. but i'm the father of three girls. i can't stand hearing donald trump call women pigs, dogs, and bimbos...and i sure don't want my daughters hearing it. i want my girls to grow up and respected. donald trump's america is not the country i fought for. so, i'm voting for hillary clinton. hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. ? don't let the food you eat during the day haunt you at night. nexium 24hr... shuts down your stomach's active acid pumps... to stop the burn of frequent heartburn... all day and night. have we seen them before?
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e a [bleep]. you can do anything. grab them by the [bleep] we have to make sure that donald wins this election. no we don't. marco rubio stands by trump and failed to show up for florida. here's what i believe in. bringing people together and reaching across the aisle to get things done. protecting social security. and building an economy that works for all of us. i'm patrick murphy and i approved this message
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( applause ) hey, everybody, welcome back. here we're can comedian sebastian maniscalco. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me on the couch. is there that's nice. you're easy to please. we allowed to you sit down, and you're happy about it. >> i'm telling you, this is my first panel, ever. so thank you for putting me on the couch. >> stephen: this is your first time sitting down at a talk show? >> yeah. question for your talk show. you're from a traditional italian family, right? >> i am. >> stephen: how do your parents feel about you going into comedy because this is a risky thing to do with your life. >> it is risky, but my mother when i was nine came home and said, "get dressed in a nice suit. we're going to the mall. i put you into a modeling competition." so i'm like, "what?" she's like, "get in the basement. we're going to do a skit. we're going to teach you how to
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the tiger." ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're a big sylvester stallone fan? >> sure i had the "rocky poster" and all. we're doing the rehearsals. i had the punches. doing lapel moves. we go to wood field mall. >> stephen: oh, yeah, yeah. >> you know wood field we go to the i gotta go out, no music. and i still won! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: congratulations. what do you win at nine years old? >> i won the-- i don't know what they gave me. i think i just stole the jacket they let me model. >> stephen: you call yourself "the behavioral police. what do you mean by that? >> listen, i got-- i just went
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they asked me to take my shoes off. and i didn't even know the couple -- >> nice carpet or something? what is it? >> it's like, i'm 43 years old. the shoes don't come off until i go back to where i put them on. ( laughter ) right? once a man loses his shoes, his night's done. so now i'm walking around a stranger's house meeting other grown men in their socks. ( laughter ) everybody's in, like, a sock circle. one gay came ue foot. i almost threw up in my mouth. ( laughter ) the guy was bare foot. he wanted to talk serious topics. he said, "what do you think about isis?" i said, "what do you think about put something socks on?" "isis is the least of your concerns!" >> stephen: did they say why? did they say why no shoes? they just said, "take your shoes off. >> they had white carpet. >> stephen: oh, sure.
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2016, still. >> stephen: those are people without children? >> they did. they had a kid. >> stephen: really? >> and i guess they were concerned that i was going to traipse in, you know, the-- whatever. but i'm like how do you know how clean my socks are? ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, thank you so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) tickets to the "why would you do that?" tour are available now on sebastianlive.com, and his special is on showtime. sebastian maniscalco, everybody! we'll be right back. ? ? ? ( applause ) amendment 1 protects consumers from scams, promotes safe solar,
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1 stops their subsidies. amendment 1 ensures that if you don't choose solar, you don't have to pay for those who do. amendment 1 blocks special subsidies
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i've seen what can happen as the result of hate. my son matt was murdered in laramie, wyoming, in 1998. he was befriended by two men in a bar who pretended to be gay. they offered him a ride home, and when he was in their car, they robbed him and beat him. they drove matt out to the prairie and tied him to a split-rail fence, then beat him some more and left him for dead. in the aftermath of matt's death, my family saw the best of america in the love and support we were shown. so when i see the hate that donald trump has brought to his campaign for president, it terrifies me.
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tell ya. ahh, i don't know what i said, uhh, i don't remember. he's a mexican. i could stand in the middle of fifth avenue and shoot somebody, and i wouldn't... words have an influence. violence causes pain. hate can rip us apart. i know what can happen as the result of hate, "late show." tune in next week when we have mel gibson, michael strahan, and tig notaro. james corden is next. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by edia access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry ? where it is you come from it'll be all right ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen,

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