tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 18, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes william h. macy colin quinn and musi drive-by truckers. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo!
>> stephen: hey! welcome to" late show." i'm stephen colbert. well, ladies and gentlemen, happy friday, we made it. safe. the weekend. any plans? >> jon: yes, indeed, i'm going to go home and nap. >> stephen: oh, yeah. that sounds good. my plans-- i'm going to spend the whole weekend in my closet banging on the back wall to try to find the way to narnia. if that fails, i know there's a bottle of bourbon in there. >> jon: probably so, you're right. >> stephen: narnia or bust. all week, all week, pundits and politicians have been asking
( laughter ) what is the moral g.p.s. that led us to this cliff? highway did trump win? was this the revenge of the white, working class voters? was hillary clinton complacent on the campaign trail. did we anger the volcano god? i said we should have thrown taylor swift in there. would have missed her. would have missed her. it turns out tmay be none of the above. a lot of people are blaming all the facebook fake news that was pro-trump and anti-hillary. in fact, more fake news was shared on facebook than real news. so where did it come from? turns out a lot of it came from facebook fake news writer and mindfreak wannabe, paul horner, who says, "i think donald trump is in the white house because of me." okay! did you hear that, future time travellers? now you know who to hunt last
( cheers and applause ) aaah! although, i gotta say, pretty rude of him not to give at least partial credit to james comey. credit where credit is due. horner credits himself for such influential fake news items as, "the amish in america commit their vote to donald trump, mathematically guaranteeing him a presidential victory." "obama signs executive order all sporting events nationwide," and "gay wedding mobile vans cashing in on the legalization of gay marriage." because, you know, you think gay people you think one thing-- vans. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: and horner knows who he can thank for his success, saying: "honestly, people are definitely dumber. they just keep passing stuff around. nobody fact-checks anything anymore. i mean, that's how trump got
oh, i don't know about everybody, but certain people definitely don't seem smart. for instance, did you hear about the fake news writer who bragged about electing a reality show about electing trump to the country he has it to live in. of course, this isn't horner's first brush with fame. look at these headlines. "paul horner trampled by alpaca at beastiality club. nation rejoices." "d d feasts on the flesh of paul horner." but actually, we made those up, full discloser. and i kind of wish more news was fake right now. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: yeah. i don't like some of the real headlines i'm seeing, like this one, "more than 400 incidents of hateful harassment and intimidation since the election. for instance, indiana, where an episcopal church was vandalized with a swastika and
i cannot believe this. i mean, it's 2016. can we please wait a little longer before putting up the 2020 campaign signs ( cheers and applause ) it's even infecting fashion, because this week a neo-nazi blogger declared new balance the "official shoes of white people." utill now, they were the unofficial shoes of white people. the "fascist-nista" went on to write: "this will be fantastic. we will be able to recognize one another by our sportswear." finally, a way for nazis to recognize each other, because the swastika neck tattoo was a little subtle. this all started-- yay! neck tattoo. this all started after new
of donald trump, statementing, "the obama administration turned a deaf ear to us and, frankly, with president-elect trump, we feel things are going to move in the right direction." people got so mad at new balance for supporting trump like this, they filmed themselves setting their shoes on fire. it's the most moving act of shoe-related civil disobedience since dr. martin luther scholls' "letter from a birmingham foot locker." he made very fast. he ran up the thing. he was gelling. now, i know our nation is divided right now, but do we have to drag footwear into it? i'm a white male of a certain age who enjoys khakis. don't take my new balance from me. ( laughter ) what else am i going to wear when i'm waiting for my wife outside the talbot's? speaking of being married. people married?
you're shopping for one, sorry to put you on the spot, guys, if you're buying a ring, be sure to read all the safety instructions, because this week doctors removed a wedding ring from a man's penis. first of all, if you can actually fit a wedding ring around your penis, congratulations on getting someone to marry you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the man in this story apparently put the bling on the thing for "erotic reasons." wekkm like beyonce said, "if you like it, you better put a ring on it." >> jon: yay! >> stephen: thank you very much. it's true. ? ? ?
"no proper guidelines exist for the treatment of this condition, so the best method is the one with a successful outcome." yes, hopefully he'll have a successful outcome. what he wanted was a happy ending. now, if there weren't enough troubling news already this week, it was just revealed that after 11 seasons and declining viewership "duck dynasty" is saying good-bye. ( cheers and applause ) yes. i'm sad, too. ( laughter ) turns out the guys wanted to true passion-- challenging squirrels to staring contests. no word yet on what the guys plan to do next, but my money's on phil robertson being chosen the next supreme court justice. ( applause ) now, united airlines just announced they're offering a cheaper ticket option called "basic economy," not to be confused with the name of the book donald trump is frantically reading right now.
( applause ) yay! yay! yay! yay, the future is a coin toss! in united's basic economy, passengers "won't be able to choose their seats, will be last to board the plane, and won't be able to carry on more than one personal item that will fit under the seat in front of them." also, you can't have legs, and all the babies on the plane will cry into tubes that go directly into your ears. ( laughter ) speaking of a living nightmare-- north korea has long been ruled by supreme leader and biewr ito supreme, kim jong-un. and recently, north korean officials lodged a formal request with china to prohibit names disparaging kim jong-un, specifically, the
that's just mean. why are you fat shaming this guy which you could be human-rights shaming this guy? plus, if you're going to make fun of him-- kim's a girl's name. now, this is a serious problem for north korea, as the country's government officials are terrified about the insult and looking for somebody to blame. if he's looking to place blame on someone about his weight, may i suggest his mouth. wa against cyberbullying, which is why i'm going to record an important public service announcement over in camera one. ( laughter ) hi, i'm stephen colbert. sticks and stones may break their bones, but words can really hurt them. hi, i'm still steve colbert. i'd like to take a moment to speak out against the epidemic of world-leader bullying. it may not seem like it, but as we speak, heads of state are being viciously mocked in every country in the world, except
y( cheers and applause ) you may have even bullied world leaders yourself with nicknames like "anthrax q. rabbitmouth," "secret agent horse fondler," and "lady paul mccartney." ( laughter ) no matter how accurate it is, it is cruel. so the next time you think of calling kim jong-un "kim fatty iii," or "the cabbage patch dictator," or "man who ate both kidd and play," just remember-- he has feelings, too. and a nuclear weapon. so shut the (bleep) up. we've got a great show for you tonight. william h. macy is here. but when we return, i'm going to sit america down and give it a little fatherly advice.
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? ? ? ? i miss those days, come back once more ? why did those days end ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. say hi t human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) folks as may know-- as you folks may know in here, out there, around the world, i am a father, and i evidently though off major dad vibes, because twitter is flooded can comments like:
colbert was my dad," countless others calling me their dad. none of those people, by the way, my children. even katy perry posted this snapchat with me and captioned it "my dad." i'm not surprised to find out i'm a role model to katy because i once kissed a girl. and i liked it, too. ( laughter ) that's how i ended up with kids. well, i know how important quality time with a parent can be, down and have a little talk. that's right, america. dad's calling a family meeting. get in here! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right. hey, kiddo. hey, kiddo. cop a squat. listen, i just thought you and meet could talk about a few things, whatever on your mind. you know i'm here for you, okay. and just in case there are
invited another dad who is not your father but feels he could be. bill, could you come out here, please? ( cheers and applause ) >> hey, sport. how you doing? >> stephen: of, champ, listen, first off, bill and i know your body is changing, okay. i imagine y questions because our bodies are changing. we've got a lot of questions. what's going on here? what's that right there? is that my eyes growing gills? what the hell is happening right there? is that going to stay? >> and what is this, huh? what is that all about? >> stephen: it's where he carries his nuts in the wintertime now. hey, i don't condone it. i want to be clear, i don't cone co-know cone it, but if you're going to drink, we prefer you do it under our roof.
prefer a single-malt scotch, not of that blended crap, okay. >> stephen: listen here, champ, this is important. if someone offers you drugs, remember, just say no. because if you seem too eager, they'll charge you full price. ( laughter ) businessmen, okay. >> and, listen, it's dangerous to play with fireworks on the fourth of july. and it's just plain weird to do it on thanksgiving. >> don't you roll your eyes at me, mister! we're talking to you. no fireworks this you weren't the one who had to scrape the stuffing off your grandmother last year. >> that reminds me of something your grandmother used to say. >> stephen: this is great. >> when life gives you sweet potatoes, where's jimmy? she had started to lose her mind by that time, but we know what she meant-- stay positive. and find jimmy. >> stephen: obviously. >> we think she was a soldier she dated during the war. >> we don't know. yeah. listen up here. when your mother and i tell you to be home at 9 p.m. on sundays,
who else is going to explain "westworld" to us. >> yeah. are they all robots? you better not tell me they're all going to wind up being robots. >> stephen: they're robots. >> don't tell me that. >> stephen: oh, i'm sorry. ( laughter ) oh, and by the way, you are in hot water, chief. the lab results came back report from vet, and it turns out the neighbor's cat did not shave itself. ( laughter ) >> and, also, i found this nudie i'm not angry. i'm just confused. you know you have a computer, right? ( laughter ) >> stephen: what's the deal? i don't understand. i don't understand what's happening. did you forget the wifi password. it's 123porn, okay? ( laughter ) so i don't know. i guess it's time we finally had the talk, okay, and you learned where babies come from. bill, you're the expert.
our second bottle of savignon blanc, and we were about a half mile out on the pontoon boat, and let's just we kicked up some pretty big waves. ( laughter ) i'm saying we tested the buoyancy... your mom and i had sex. ( laughter ). >> stephen: listen, sport, if you take one thing away from this family meeting, always have self-respect. if your friend is saying mean things about you, he may thought he might really be your next president. ( cheers and applause ) >> and remember, no matter what, i'm proud of you. >> stephen: yeah, no matter what, he's proud of you. >> stephen: good talk, kiddieo. >> it was a great talk. >> stephen:we'll be right back with william h. macy!
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? ? ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. ( cheers and applause ) my first guest this is an oscar-nominated and emmy-winning actor who starred in "fargo," "boogie nights," and now in season seven of "shameless" on showtime. please welcome william h macy! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> that's great. >> stephen: pretty great, right? >> i'm a big steely dan fan.
>> youk leia. >> stephen: you seem like a renaissance guy. what do you play? >> youk lay lay what's funny about that, because it's small and only has four strings you're going to laugh about it. >> stephen: no, this is a celebration. >> people who play ukuleles are slightly more evolved than everyone else. that was fun. >> stephen: you just helped me out with the family meeting. do you call a family meeting in your family? >> we co. we try night, and that's where we make the kids miserable. it's better if you can focus it a little bit. >> stephen: do you have rules at table like no whist ling, no books, no electronics or anything like that. >> no electronics. we're a theatrical family. we do things like practice double-take s. >> stephen: really, can i see your double-take? that's pretty good. i gotta say, that was pretty good. >> that was a good take. oh, that's excellent. >> stephen: thank you very much.
as a dad-- you're a famous dad. you still do all the dad stuff, teach your kids to drive and that kind of stuff? >> they are learning to drive right now. >> stephen: really? how old is your eldest? >> sofia is 16, she has her learner's permit. and george is driving anyway. >> stephen: how old is he? >> i don't want to talk about it. >> stephen: legally? without a lawyer present? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: are you teaching sofia to drive? >> i'm better at doing it than wife, together you are--philian h.must haveman together. the best celebrity power couple name of all time. >> it's great, and we're going to the atlantic theater company tonight to see a play. and there is a urinal where our name on it. and it's the filluous h. muffman urinal. >> stephen: you've made it! >> i've made it big. >> stephen: if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
hand against the dashboard kind of dad? >> no, here's the trick-- don't look up on the the windshield. look to the side. two things. one, you won't be constantly doing that. and you'll see things that you've never seen before. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and you won't know when the end comes. >> no, no. it's got airbags. what's the worst that could-- well, we don't want to talk about that. >> stephen: i've taught two kids. i was not very good with my daughter. i wasn't quite-- i didn't-- i was very-- i was very bad. i was veryer the dashboard. when my son, my second child, started driving, i just knot in the car. i knew he'd taken the classes. and i would drive around and kind of peacefully go, "there are worse places to go. there are worse ways to die than here in the car with your son right now." it relaxed me. >> we were in colorado, when we put georgia behind the wheel. she was very young, and felicity was driving and she kept driving off the road and sitting in felicity's lap.
and georgia said, "yeah. see what?" >> stephen: how old of a child was this? >> about 10. >> stephen: so now you drive a motorcycle, speaking of dangerous things on the road. >> yup. >> stephen: what kind of bike do you have? >> i have a triumph, and i have a harley, a harley for big trips and a little triumph for around town. >> stephen: have you done any good rides lately? >> a couple of years ago, i did the ang less crest. that's a beautiful and you know what happened, too. they have this sign that says, "last gas for 30 miles," or something like that, 40 miles. and i thought i have enough gas. >> stephen: in the desert. >> of course, ald i could think about is i'm going to run out of gas. should i turn around? should i keep going? i decided i was going to run out of gas in the country and i saw a weird car in front of me and it was a picture car and i realized they were shooting a commercial. and i followed the picture car,
and they were shooting some car commercial, and there was a guy walking towards me with a gas can before i could get off the bike, i felt like -- >> you said, "i'm william h. macy." >> i didn't have to. >> stephen: really? >> i didn't get recognized a lot. felicity, not so much. even in my helmet. you can see hoach of me and people go, "macy!" >> stephen: it's the eyebrows. >> there was a homeless woman one time, i saw her, and she was saying something terrible about her life, and sheke even in my helmet she said, "love "shameless." it's on dvr. i'm a little behind. >> stephen: that's an excellent segue. what's your character's name in "shameless?" >> frank gallagher. >> stephen: you say you like it that he's composite a lot of scars. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you have scars? why do you like his scars? >> i mean, they're kind of sexy. one woman shot him in this shoulder. and one woman shot him in this shoulder-- that's a long story.
someone stole his pancreas-- that's an even longer story. and he did an insurance scam and broke his leg in six places with the help of his young son. >> stephen: do you have real scars yourself? >> i got one little tiny scar right there. that's where a raccoon bit me. >> stephen: a raccoon bit you? >> yeah. >> stephen: what were you doing to the raccoon? how did it-- how did it get close enough to bite you on the hand? >> my dad came home from work one day and i thought he was wearing a weirdat georgia. it turns out somebody owed him money and he traded it for a '36 buick and raccoon and he brought mike home. and it was a cool pet, except when there was food around. >> stephen: your dad got given a car and raccoon as payment? >> yup. >> stephen: for what? what did your father coto-- >> he was doing construction. he was building she's spec houses and somebody owed him money and he thought i would
it was a great pet. slept under the bed. one time we were having a party, and a little bird fell out of a nest, and -- >> as a child. >> and mike saw it at the same time that our friend johnny mcfarland saw it and that was bad. johnny had to go to the hospital. the raccoon just tore him up. ( laughter ) and i was walking mike once a leash and he got in the garbage, and my parents said, "pull him out of the garbage," and i chocked up on the chain too much and i didn't see him bite me. that was the end of mike, by the wa series on your childhood. >> okay. laugh ( laughter ). ( applause ). >> stephen: you could still play you. >> you're a pig wig -- >> you're a very big wig. you're william h. macy. people give you gas in the desert. >> i could play me and my father and my mother. >> stephen: we have a clip of frank about to get another scar, i think. >> get out! >> calm down! i have a few repairs to do on the house! now that fiona has dropped the ball, someone's got to pick it
wait! my clothes are in the wash! >> on the count of three, dressed or not, frank, one-- >> let's take a vote. everyone in favor of having an actual parent in the house. >> two! (bleep). >> you never say three! ( laughter ) ( cheers app >> i love that show. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to be here. >> stephen: "shameless" airs sundays on showtime. william h macy, everybody! we'll be right back with colin william h macy, everybody! we'll be right back with colin quinn. smiley face. congratulations. happy friday. happy tuesday. good luck on your testing.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a writer and stand-up comedian whose off-broadway show "the new york story" is now available on netflix. please welcome colin quinn. ( cheers and applause ) good to see you. how you been? >> i'm fine. i had to come out early and be preseated. >> stephen: we have to set you like burt reynolds ahead of time. what did you do to your leg? >> i i on the sandler movie. after the movie you want to shoot around, play basketball, and i started playing and i'm like i'm not that old. i'm back. my game is back. pop. and it was on the set where the movie was where the godfather's horse's head scene was. i'm at the mansion, this guy is a billionaire. i had a double lawsuit. if i wasn't a nice guy, i could have made some big money on that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow. it's never too late, man, it's
me. i checked. >> stephen: listen, you're a very opinionated man. >> yes gr you're a new yorker? >> yes. >> stephen: what did you think of the victory of our new new york president? >> i mean, a lot of us-- everybody was shocked, obviously. >> stephen: he was shocked. >> yes. oh, yeah. >> stephen: i think that's why they didn't have anything in place for right now, because they were like, what? >> did you see him at the white house like a bad boy in school, ( cheers and applause ) folks, believe me -- >> he's the dog that caught-- he's the dog that caught the truck. >> and i thought it was going to be gary johnson. we all did. >> stephen: obviously. laugh. >> when i was a kid they told me-- they may have told you, too-- what's great about america? anybody in this country can become president of the united states. they weren't lying. ( laughter ). >> stephen: right, yeah. even if you're just a poor billionaire's son, you, too. >> you, too. and i'm disappointed in the
i feel like a lot of people are getting shoved aside that were there at the beginning-- scott bayo, i'm talking about obviously. >> stephen: you have to be loyal. >> you have to be loyal. >> stephen: secretary of state bayo. >> he was in show business and supported trump. that's not a joke. that's serious. he's putting himself out there whether you like it or not. and then billy bush should get a position. you know what i mean? ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah. secretary of transportation. ( laughter ) he knows the inside of a bus. >> nice, nice! >> stephen: thank you very much. we'll be right back. all right. anthony weiner. >> anthony weiner should get a position. ( laughter ) maybe julian assange might get something, i don't know. >> stephen: sure, yeah. >> but i feel like eye feel like-- let's face it. he got elected by the people that hated him the most. i think what some people were racist and sexist that voted for him, and some people didn't like being called racist and sexist. you know what i mean? i think there was a lot of that, it too.
wine. it takes a while to adapt to me. >> stephen: we're going to let you breathe for a while. >> yeah. >> stephen: so the new show is you do a stage show. you do a stage show on broadway that's now going to be available on netflix. >> it was offbroadway. i misrepresent myself. >> stephen: off broadway. >> you sound like you're going to kick me out. get out. >> stephen: does it matter? i'm sure it's very good ( laughter ) you'll get there, man. you're on broadway right now. this is a broadway theater. you made it, baby. ( cheers and applause ) now, is there any chance, you know, people throw the word "racism" around very casually. you-- you talk about some cultural stereotypes in the show. any chance people might be offended by some of that stuff? >> i don't think so, because everything i talk about i lived it-- yeah, they will be. no, i mean, no. everything is, like, i go over the whole history of every ethic
anthropology. >> stephen: all right, all right. so let's start about the dutch. the dutch founded new york. how did they-- >> here's the beauty of the dutch for my show, because when i was doing the show i didn't find this out until i googled it. that's how i research, google. the word (bleep) is a dutch word. how perfect was that for the founding of new york city. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: they brought that here? >> they brought the word (bleep). >> stephen: wow. >> that's a dutch word. >> s you so much. >> i do the whole thing, like the germans came and how they were rude-polite. you know how people in new york, other places, "excuse me? where is the museum? excuse me, where's the subway?" people in new york accuse you of the information. "where do you get the ice cream? where do you get the coffee?" and when you tell them, "over there." "is it good?" you have to give them a review. and it just goes from there.
i could -- >> then they won't pay for it. >> that's right. >> stephen: this is aprapoe of nothing. >> i like that expression. >> stephen: that's the way i do segues -- connected to nothing. i found out shortly before the show were you in "crocodile dundee 2?" >> yes, i was. >> stephen: i only ask-- i do not remember you from "crocodile dundee." >> i was a young upstart comedian, a little full of myself, as you'll know from this story. they i think i had one line in another movie. i read it -- >> it takes place here in new york. >> i read the script and go, "this is not new york." i rewrote the whole script, one line, just basically an extra, with me as the sidekick leading poll hogan around new york. i made myself the costar, and handed it in to them. ( laughter ) and i wasn't, like, 11. i was, like, 26 at the time. >> stephen: you don't have to-- look, you don't have to thank me.
>> yes. and my name was kevin. i was like an irish guy. kevin colin-- and i led him around and just handed it in. >> stephen: you ended up being in the movie. >> di. they didn't fire me as they should have. >> stephen: it might take a while but we're going to play every scene you're in, okay? jim. >> i'm in. i'm in. what are we doing? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> imagine the mental illness. >> stephen: oh, my god. the huevos on you. >> just the audacity. if somebody did, that i'd say, "get him out of here. he's a psycho." >> stephen: good for you. good for you. >> yeah, and charles dutton, who was the costar, probably would have beat me-- he was an exboxer, too, he probably would have beat me senseless. i was basically kicking his part out and me as the costar. >> stephen: did you ever fight? >> no. >> stephen: you seem like a street tough--
you meant professional fighting. >> stephen: no, i meant-- >> i'll show you a picture. i know this wasn't planned. but if you guys can get this one. this is me and someone photoshopped-- this is my body, but they photoshopped the tattoo on me. that's what i call a man's man, ladies. >> stephen: can you get a shot of that? i want to point something out. you did not know i was going to ask you about fighting. >> no i didn't. >> stephen: we did not plan this in any and it took you exactly one button to get a photo of you. >> ow! oh! >> stephen: don't get up. don't get up. that's on there all the time! that's literally-- you were staring at it before you walked on stage. >> it's my twitter page. it's my twitter -- >> you're in an overstuffed chair just stroking yourself gently looking at a photo of yourself before you came out here to take the pain away from your ankle. >> i swear to god, we didn't
>> you have to have an ego to be in this business they say. >> stephen: exactly. >> that's my twitter pic. >> stephen: if i follow you on twitter, that's the photo? >> it looks like i have no teeth in the phot but i do. >> stephen: people have said, "oh, trump ran the politically incorrect campaign and that's great." and people complain a lot about-- some comedians complain about political correctness on campus and stuff like that. do you have a problem with political correctness and have to pull your punches in some places when you're people nowadays, if they mention an ethnicity, anywhere, on campus or comedy. they do a preamble. "i'm going to say something right now. i want you understand this is not coming from a place of paternal itistic, patriarchal--" and then you can say whatever you want but you have to say that first. >> stephen: this is not coming from a place of hate, from a place of love. why did the chicken cross the road? >> yes, yes. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, to
street a piece of his mind. that's why the chicken did that. >> and they applaud politely, exactly. >> stephen: well, colin, listen, man, ice that anklele. >> yes, i'm going to. >> stephen: and send me that photo. good to see you. >> thanks a lot, steve. >> stephen: "the new york story" is now streaming on netflix. colin quinn, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by drive-by truckers. ? ? ?
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>> stephen: here performing "surrender under protest" from their album, "american band," please welcome drive-by truckers! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ? from the comfort zone of history ? on the lips of trusted loved ones ? to the lonely, fragile minds of angry youths ? no sooner was it over
? that tradition was the mission and that the wrongness of the sin was not the goal ? compelled but not defeated ? surrender under protest if you must ? compelled but not defeated ? ? ? ? ? ? ? does the color really matter on the face you blame for failure ? on the shaded foreign battles wounds and calls
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sing along with furry friends and stomp your feet to a sesame street beat don't miss sesame street live elmo makes music clap along when elmo makes music playing z26krz zy6z y26kry yy6y >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in next week when we have michael weatherly, carrie fisher and danny devito. james corden is next. have a great weekend!