tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 31, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
i'm so excited, everybody. what a fantastic night. everybody feeling okay tonight? (cheers and applause) there is just something really nice in the air tonight. i am stephen colbert. as a lot of you may know. i know a lot of my viewers are parents with small kids, and you probably read your kids fairy tales to put them sleep. fairy tales are a great way to teach children important moral lessons. or, if they fall asleep before the happy ending, a great way to emotionally scar them for life. "snow white trusted the old woman, bit the apple and died. night, night." turns out, the national rifle association loves fairy tales, too. is this true. on the n.r.a. web site-- i believe it's www.shavedbutts.org -- they've posted, and this is true, new firearm-friendly versions of classic fairy tales, like "little red riding hood has a gun" and "hansel and gretel have guns."
here's a little taste from "little red riding hood has a gun": this absolutely true from the web site. here we go. "the wolf leaned in, jaws open wide, then stopped suddenly. those big ears heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun's safety being clicked off. those big eyes looked down and saw that grandma had a scattergun aimed right at him. he realized that grandmother hadn't been backing away from him; she had been moving towards her shotgun to protect herself and her home." that's right, grandma's packing more than loose tissues and hard candy. i think the n.r.a. should apply these gun updates to all classic literature. for instance, "of mice and men." "lenny loved his little puppy so much that he didn't realize how tightly he was squeezing it. until the puppy pulled a gun. lenny backed off."
classic, "everybody poops... involuntarily after being shot." or "to kill a mockingbird," now more of a hunting manual. speaking of happily ever after, we've got a great show for you tonight. first, from "the people versus o.j. simpson," we've got sarah paulson. (cheers and applause) and from "orphan black," i'll be sitting down with tatiana maslany. (cheers and applause) and then a musical performance from wynton marsalis, jared grimes and lil buck. (cheers and applause) ( band playing ) oh, that's the sound of my
say hi, everybody. (cheers and applause) they're about to get us started. but before they do, one more thing: whoopi goldberg is launching a line of medical marijuana products that promise to relieve menstrual cramps. and apparently it works -- willie nelson never gets them. (band playing theme) >> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes sarah paulson! tatiana maslany! and a musical performance by wynton marsalis, lil buck and jared grimes! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"!
♪ ♪ ♪ and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen crtolbe! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: welcome! thank you so much! jon, thank you so much! wow, i love hosting the show and i get to come out here and talk about a bunch of stuff. one of the great things about hosting a talk show is how much talking i get to do. but sometimes it can be tough for my face to decide what my mouth is going to say. it's hard to choose. >> jon: a t'
the world. >> stephen: it's hard to make a decision on what to focus on. >> jon: it's like a buffet. >> stephen: the world is a buffet. that's right. >> jon: you don't know what to put on your plate. only got app hour or so. >> stephen: you don't want to put the potatoes and gravy with the jell-o, because it looks like the potatoes are bleeding. terrible. >> jon: yeah. (laughter) >> stephen: you have to make a decision. for those who don't, a short path to madness. >> jon: it reminds me of how long it takes for me to make decision sometimes. >> stephen: how do you make your decision? >> jon: indecision. >> stephen: you make your decision through indecision? >> jon: and then i write a song about it. and then everything is okay after that. >> stephen: so you just distract yourself from the decision that you have to make rather than make the decision, you say i'll write a song instead, and don't those indecisions just tie a noose in the back of your mind that eventually you have to deal
>> no, that's art. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i like it! really, i have to say, i have no idea what you're talking about, but i love it. trust me, here's your artist. here's my answer. when i don't know what to talk about on the show, i leave my decision up to a higher power, by which i mean the dome of my theater. this is -- "wheel of news!"! ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! now! long-time fans of the wheel of news know that we've installed a giant spinning wheel in the ceiling of the ed sullivan theater with topics like "sports," "entertainment," and "cheese"-- all the big news subjects-- and wherever the wheel lands, i talk about that thing. i just pull a hi-tech lever, which is held up by my un
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: stay down in the desk hole, buddy. all right. y'all ready? let's spin! (cheers and applause) "science!" (cheers and applause) people love the science. palentologists in kazakhstan have found remnants of an "elasmotherium sibiricum," also known as the siberian unicorn. that's right, unicorns are real! which means paleontologists are just two neon dolphins away from validating your sixth grade trapper keeper. personally, i love unicorns. i can't wait to find out what a real unicorn looked like. jim? (laughter) >> stephen: that's not a
unicorn. that's a hairy rhino with scoliosis! i really have a hard time imagining that thing pooping rainbows. i still can, but it's not easy. okay, lever, let's dance. (cheers and applause) 5000! i'm in first place! let's do it right now! (cheers and applause) "sports!" (cheers and applause) during a knicks game this week, a child ran onto the court to give carmelo anthony a hug, and the video went viral because people all across the nation were shocked that the knicks had a fan. spin it to win it!
"bermuda triangle!" (cheers and applause) the bermuda triangle is one of the places where dozens of ships and airplanes have disappeared. scientists discovered huge craters on the sea floor that suggest giant blowouts of methane. that's right. the bermuda triangle is ocean farts. (cheers and applause) apparently, the gas deposits build up enormous pressure that they release in explosions strong enough to take out a ship or even an airplane flying overhead. so you're busted, atlantic ocean-- he who sank it, stank it. (laughter) spin cycle! ( whammy noise ) oh, no! the grongler! aw, man!
no! he grongled away my 5000! i'm in last place. all right. let's try again. (applause) "bucket of news." all right, let's see what we've got in here. north carolina just passed a law aimed at transgender people that says that if you're using a public bathroom, you have to use the one that matches the gender on your birth certificate. so north carolinians, if you're out on the town and have to use the facilities, first, just go to the county clerk, get the long-form of your birth certificate, and you're all good. oh, also bring your passport or you won't be allowed to wash your hands. now, a lot of people are coming out against this law. even the attorney general has called it "a national embarrassment." not at all, sir. there's no reason for the rest of us to be embarrassed. this one is all yours.
(laughter) (cheers and applause) listen, north carolina, people change. there are tons of folks who simply don't identify with what's on their birth certificate. for instance, ted cruz wishes his didn't say "canada." (laughter) spin! (cheers and applause) "mystery guest!" (cheers and applause) all right, let's see who it is! our mystery guest for tonight is... senator bernie sanders! (cheers and applause) thanks so much for being here! (cheers and applause) thanks, senator .
senator, always good to see you. good to have you here. >> good to be here. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! senator sanders, thank you so much for being here to be our first mystery guest on the "wheel of news!." (cheers and applause) you know the rules of mystery guests. first you have to answer a question about policy of your campaign. >> okay. >> stephen: sir, you say, right now, you are trailing in delegates behind secretary clinton. you say that super delegates will switch from ms. clinton to you as you start winning more states. why do you want the democratic party to be thrown into the kind of chaos you see on the republican side where they will have a contested convention? >> well, i think two things. number one, we have won six out of last seven caucuses most by a landslide (cheers and applause) and i think that super
should listen to the will of their people. if you've got 60, 70, 80% of a vote in a state, you know what? i think super delegates should vote for us. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: isn't the purpose of the super delegates of the party takes some control of the process? don't the republicans just wish they had super delegates right now? >> well, that may be. but i think what we need in the democratic party is some democracy, and that means that i think that when we are defeating trump in the last polls by 15 or 20 points and when we are the strongest candidate, i believe, in taking on any republican candidate, i would hope super delegates take a look at who the strongest democrat candidate is and, you know what? that's me. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: senator, thank you so much for being here. as you know, we are out of mystery guest time. thank you so much for being here. (audience reacts) thank
>> i would like to spin that damn wheel! >> stephen: well, let's do it! (cheers and applause) let's do it! come on around here. there you go. there you go. >> hey! there is a human being down here! what is going on! what are you doing to this worker?! >> help me, bernie. all right, here you go. (cheers and applause) how long have they put you down here? >> days! what kind of operation are you running here, stephen? >> stephen: it's called a talk show, bernie. would you like to spin the wheel? >> i would love to spin the wheel. >> stephen: give it a yank. which way? >> stephen: any way you want. (cheers and applause)
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tylenol®. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my first guest tonight is an amazing actress who has starred in "american horror story" and "12 years a slave." her new show on fx is "the people v. o.j. simpson: american crime story." please welcome sarah paulson! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right. i am so excited to have you here. i am so excited to have you here because i am absolutely obsessed with
simpson." , i'm not watching -- >> i'm not watching it. >> stephen: my wife is cheating on me with this show. last night she confessed to me she's watching ahead. >> that's mean. you shouldn't do that. >> stephen: you haven't watched yourself in. >> i'm not watching it. i'm going to wait until it's all over. >> stephen: you're good, though. don't wait! you're really good. don't even watch the parts you're in. just watch travolta and courtney vance and just everybody is so good in it. >> i'm too selfish. i just want to wait and watch myself. >> stephen: so th the people out there who might be too lung or might need a refresher on the people versus o.j. simpson. this is him on trial from the moment the tragic murder of his ex-wife and ron goldman happened
learned back then, and you play marsha clark, the lead prosecuting attorney. >> dedicated completely and fiercely to putting him behind bars. >> stephen: and ends up in some ways kind of being the bad guy. >> yeah, she was really to be, and i think i bought this, too, prior to researching the role that i did. she was kind of a strident, really aggressive attorney. >> stephen: is there any other kind of attorney? >> and also if she were a man, these would be positive ways to describe an attorney. >> stephen: how does strident and aggressive get described as a man? >> strident and aggressive and, yea! >> stephen: i like that guy, he's strident and aggressive. >> and no one would talk about his bad suit and bad hair and what's happening. >> stephen: this is your marsha clark, right in. >> yeah, there she is. >> stephen: and there's the
original right there. really, really nailed it. do you smoke as much as she does in this? because you smoke co constantlyn this series. >> yeah, i don't smoke at all in real life. >> stephen: how do you do that? >> i put it in my mouth and i inhale it. >> stephen: and it doesn't kill you to do that? eventually, it will, but you can actually get it into your lungs and everything? >> i can. when i first started, i was coughing. and eventually i was kind of, ready for a smoke. >> stephen: are you a little bit hooked? >> it got me a little crazy for the ciggies. >> stephen: you smoke in "american horror story," too. >> yes. >> stephen: you were shooting both at the same time. >> wrapping at 5:00 one day and going in very early the next
you -- >> sleep? >> stephen: exactly. i didn't. but marsha clark wasn't getting a lot of sleep either, so i figured it was a help to the makeup department going, sorry, this is what it looks like. and they're, like, guess what, for this it's great! >> stephen: did you get to meet her? >> i did finally get to meet her. >> stephen: what was that like? >> wonderful but a little surreal. i had watched so much footage and read some books about her and there she was in front of me with the mole and the hair, very much better hair. >> stephen: does the series present the answer? does the series say whether or not he's guilty or innocent? >> i don't think it does. i'm not watching, so i'm not 100% sure. (laughter) just kidding. i know from what sort of was the game plan from people involved in making the thing and not just us but the writers and producers that that wasn't really the
goal. we're talking about this is the story of the lawyers and their story when the trial was going on. so it wasn't about his guilt or innocence per se. >> stephen: famously or at the time studied sews logically, the difference between the ways white and black people looked at the trial. >> that's true. >> stephen: and we have a clip of you talking to african-americans in a bar and you explaining what happened despite their belief. >> yes. >> stephen: all right, jim. then with the help of his o.j. racist cuffs, he gets things where it needs to be -- nicole and ron and o.j.'s blood into o.j.'s bedroom. o.j.'s blood back to bundy. and o.j.'s fibers back to bundy, too. and they don't get rid of the real killer's blood from the back gate no, no, and replace it with o.j.'s blood.
to bundy to pick up all the blood and get that sucker right back to rockingham, too. these guys are a well-oiled conspiracy machine, after all. all this during a time when everyone involved is under the most relentless, media scrutiny in american history. wow! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's over. you're safe it's over. >> what? >> stephen: you are absolutely in for a treat when you watch this. i promise you. isn't she good? (cheers and applause) will you stick around? we've got to take a break. >> i'd love to. >> stephen: back with more sarah paulson, everybody. ♪ (cheers and applause) politics this month. etk from let's have a few bud lights and focus on what unites us all. three weeks of non-stop basketball. no! yes! this country is unified in totally blowing off work that first thursday.
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a quick question before i move on. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're on "american horror story." >> i am. >> stephen: now, this is called "american crime story." >> yeah. >> stephen: what do you think makes something an american story as opposed to any other country's story? >> first of all, it happens here, so there is that, chiefly. >> stephen: yeah. it's hard for me to answer that as it pertains to horror story because that, i think the commonality there is it's taking place in america. in terms of "the people versus o.j. simpson," i think the phenomenon of fame and the way it played into the trial and everyone's total obsession with famous people and fame in general, it was a huge part of the trial and how it affected the jury pool as well as all the people covering it. the trial was really about two people who lost their lives and really became about the circus around the trial, involving all the players and so little to do with what was really at stake.
in america, in a way. >> stephen: between "american crime story and "american horror story," what's fun for you? >> i like to read a lot of books. >> stephen: that's good. you don't hit the clubs? >> i'm not going out with the dancing club time. i'm a little, like, i need a bath and a book. >> stephen: all right. this past year was crazy because i was doing both shows at the same time and i just didn't have any time to do anything. i get to see a movie now. i haven't seen a movie in eight months. there are apparently a lot of good movies. >> stephen: good tv. people versus o.j. simpson. you have to watch that at some point. (laughter) you did this nice thing for charity. >> i did. >> stephen: you raised money by customizing. you auctioned off a voicemail greeting by sarah pauls b. >> to raise money for a dancing won'
(cheers and applause) -- which started with my friend martha quintin who is incredibly smart and right on with this. she would ask me to do it. i said sure. i didn't think anyone would give money. but. >> stephen: you raised almost $1,600 just to do a voicemail. >> and i anything. one together? >> if you will write it. >> stephen: we have one here. we saw this on ebay, so we thought we might do it. it's for someone named kate? >> yes. >> stephen: so let's do it here. you get to be at the end of it, too, if you want to. (cheers and applause) ready to do it now? we'll do it and go to commercial. >> okay, great. ♪ la la la la la la la >> stephen: redñiñrñi the teeth, the tongue, the lips. >> stephen: one, tw
i only respond to "action." (laughter) >> stephen: sarah, are you ready? >> ready. >> stephen: and action. hello! this is kate's friend sarah paulson. kate and i are busy hanging out with stephen colbert right now. >> stephen: hi, caller! but leave a message and she'll try to get back to you. might take a while because we're having a lot of fun here! (cheers and applause) whoo! >> stephen: "the people versus o.j. simpson," american crime story season one, airs tuesday at 10:00 on fx. sarah paulson, everybody! we'll be right back! ♪ (cheers and apseplau) j
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>> stephen: those steps can be a challenge sometimes. uh you handle them well. >> thank you. >> stephen: so happy to have you here. you do the most extraordinary job in "orphan black." >> thank you. >> stephen: (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's season 4 of "orphan black" premiers april 14 at bbc america. >> canadian. >> stephen: we let some of them in. >> i appreciate that. >> stephen: it's created in canada. where? >> toronto. >> stephen: are you from toronto. >> i am not. i'm from the prairies. >> stephen: sure, i know that. people love the prairies here, yeah. >> yeah, so i grew up there and moved to toronto about ten years ago and have been there ever since. >> stephen: this is one of the things that makes it such an extraordinary performance is for the people who don't know, this is the story of clones who are born to ase
mothers. is that true? >> yes, they're born under different circumstances and different mothers. >> stephen: back in the '80s. >> back in the mid '80s. >> stephen: the reagan years. exactly. it was a tough time. so the clones have different accents, different upbringings and different world views. >> stephen: how many characters have you played on the show so far? >> i have no idea nu you play all the clones? >> i don't know how many. >> stephen: you don't know? i don't know. >> stephen: check your pay stub. they have to pay you for each one, legally. >> yeah. >> stephen: this is sarah who is the first character. >> yes. >> stephen: she's the one who discovers someone throwing themselves on to a train track. >> yes, killing themselves. the girl who does that looks identical to sarah. >> stephen: and that's the first thing that seems suspicious to her. >> yes. >> stephen: you also play allison. >> allison
toting -- >> stephen: you play rachel. yes. >> stephen: you play helena. yes. >> stephen: and you play kosima. >> yes. >> stephen: and many, many more on the show. >> yes. >> stephen: where did you get -- obviously, this is what actresses do, but you also have an amazing gifort for accents -- gift for accents. >> i don't know if i do, but i love them. >> stephen: you clearly do. i enjoy them. my mom speaks fluent german, french and spanish. >> stephen: do you speak german? (speaking german) >> stephen: okay. i'm all done. (laughter) >> stop it there. >> stephen: i think i'm done with that one. german is a lovely language. do you have a favorite german word? >> it's horrific. it's -- (saying german word) -- which is a beautiful compound word which means a face that
begs to be punched. (applause) >> stephen: that's one word? it's a compound word which means -- it's like punch and face. >> stephen: and is it frequently used? >> i guess frequently enough that it came up in conversation. i mean, it comes up. >> stephen: not with you, i hope. >> no. >> stephen: if i looked it up on the internet, i would find it? >> you definitely would, apparently with a lot of photos of ted cruz. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, you actually -- so you shoot all these scenes often with yourself. your character is speaking to another character that you're playing. >> yes. >> stephen: how is that done? it's with a big camera on a crane that has an internal computer that memorizes the movement. >> stephen: so it's not in a green room? >> no, we're usually in a location and the only thing that's not there is other actors. so it's mostly me and a
double called katherine alexandria who play the characters opposite me. then they remove her and it's xx tennis ball -- >> stephen: so we have a clip of you acting with yourself, and this is -- i believe it might be is a rare -- >> kasima. >> stephen: and what's happening in the scene? >> this is kind of when we first come back when sarah comes back from iceland at the beginning of season 4. >> stephen: all right. jim? >> how you doing, you all right? yeah, yeah, i'm good. secret lab under a comic book shop. what more could a girl want, right? i'm good. seriously. >> good. welcome home. >> stephen: now, i understood how all of that worked. (cheers and applause) >> it's obvious, right? >> stephen: but then you hold hands at the end. how do you hold hands at the end? i thought it was a split screen
>> with great difficulty. so me as kasima there is like my body and, like, katherine's hand coming in. so they've cut off her arm and placed it on my arm. >> stephen: this other young woman who acts with you, does she play other characters? >> alexis in the second and third season. >> stephen: would be a shame to do all the acting and never be seen. >> she's so generous. the less she's seen the more gooder her work is -- the better her work is. >> stephen: no the more gooder. you do have a way with languages. >> i do! thank you. (applause) >> stephen: did you grow up acting this kind of drama? >> i started when i was about 9. >> stephen: pretty early. it was pretty early. i did improv growing up. >> stephen: you were an improv kid? games? >> i did it in elementary school, high school and after in
study if you were doing all this? >> i didn't. i was such a bad kid playing improv games in the back alley. (laughter) >> stephen: oh, that back alley improv is really dangerous. >> lots of people died -- in scenes, of course. no, we would do like fight club improv. >> stephen: fight club improv. yes. >> stephen: and the first rule of fight club improv? >> don't talk about it on public television, i guess. >> stephen: thank you for being here. the first season of afterafterpremieres thursday -- "orphan black" premiers thursday 10:00 p.m. on bbc america. tatiana maslany, everybody! (cheers and applause) ♪
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nice to see you again. (cheers and applause) now, before you guys perform, tell us how you got together. you're a master of jazz, you of juke and you of tap. is there a relationship between these three art forms i need to know about? >> we share a tradition of culture. i met jared just out of high school ten or 12 years ago, he's a genius. and lill buck, i was doing a profile on him. he was fantastic. deeply feeling. both are geniuses at what they do and i'm proud of them. >> stephen: you're performing "spaces" at lincoln center with jazz, tap and jukein'. what is "spaces" celebrating? >> basically, "spaces" is celebrating the world collaboration and, at the same time, it's about these -- it's about, like, animals. it's about different characters, learning how to, you know, take yourself outside ofur
and really, you know purkt put yourself in a position of tease different animals like lions and snakes. >> stephen: you dance like them or inspired by them. >> inspired by them. >> stephen: jarred, is there an animal that inspires you? >> i'm feeling this piece we call frogs. (laughter) i'm a very energetic person. i always tell people tap shoes are like an aphrodisiac, your energy just goes up when you put them on. >> stephen: tap shoes are an aphrodisiac? >> oh, no, you have to know how to tap. you can't just put them on. (laughter) >> stephen: would you bless us with a performance right now? >> absolutely. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, now here to perform "petite suite for savion" the wynton marsalis, jared grimes, lill buck with jazz, the lincoln
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be steve buscemi, and benjamin walker with a performance from the broadway show "american psycho." don't go away, james corden is coming right up. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ i feel the love tonight don't you worry where you come from ♪ it's the "late, late show" ♪.