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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 29, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> stephen: hey, gwen, i'm so glad you're here. hi, i'm stephen. so nice to meet you. i am so excited you're doing the show. >> i'm a huge fan of you. >> stephen: do you mind if we ask what song you're singing tonight? >> we're going to do a new one, "make me like you." >> stephen: i just wanted to make sure you weren't doing hollaback girl. >> what's wrong with hollaback girl? >> stephen: it's one of my favorite songs. i'm a little stickler when it comes to scrabble. and i don't know if you know it, but in the song you spell the word banana wrong.
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it's bananas, bananas, the stuff is bananas. >> stephen: the correct spelling of bananas is bannannas. but there's no way you could do that. >> bananas is bananas, everybody knows that. >> stephen: just say the word. >> bananas, ba-- >> listen, ban-an. bannannas-- >> banna. >> n. >> ban-an-as. >> ba-nan-a. >> ban-an-as. >> stephen, i think i know a little bit more about bananas than you do. >> stephen: gwen, all due respect, just because you wrote a song about bananas doesn't mean you're an expert. >> no? did yo
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species of bananas, almost exclusively. it was almost weepped out by a fungus, so now we only eat the cavandish, which is in danger of going and i think because of a fungus. >> stephen: i knew of this that stuff. >> i'll see you out there,. >> stephen: i'll see you out there, gwen. >> nutz. >> >> stephen: two "n"s. >> tonight, stephen welcomes. anderson cooper mark feuerstein and a performance by gwen stefani. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! captioning sns
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show! nice to see you. hey, everybody, up there! hey, folks down here! my man, what's going on? good to see you. welcome. welcome. thank you very much. how are you? >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: oh, that's nice. that's lovely. no, please. what are you going to do? what do you do? thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, everybody. thank you very much. that's very nice of you.
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welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. i'm the name you have been chanting. i'm glad you guys are in a good mood. are you in a good mood? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. that makes it hard for me, and i'm afraid-- i like to come out here with good news, but i have heartbreaking news. scientists have done their science stuff, and unfortunately they have discovered that dogs hate being hugged. bad, scientists, bad! you made a mess here. they looked at photos of dogst. being hugged and analyzed them for signs of stress or anxiety, like flattened ears or wide eye, like this one. the mom's saying, "awww." the kid's saying, "yay!" and the dog's saying, "sweet death. take me now!" ( laughter ) this is shattering. i have a dog named coo
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i hug her all the time, and she always responds with love growls. ( laughter ) i feel terrible. now, i'm imagining all the other secret complaints our dogs have. why did you take me from my mother? what did you do with my balls? why do you keep stealing my poop? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i think we might be-- i'm not sure, scientists checked this out-- we might be making dogs do all kinds of things they don't like. maybe they hate the taste of frisbees. maybe they can't stand being left home alone all day with the tv on. maybe our kids don't like that, either. maybe that's why they hug the dog. well, i want to help out because i belong to another species that do not enjoy close human contact: adult men. we've come up with a way to get around hugging. it's called the bro hug. dogs, pay attention. you alreadow
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now, just keep the hands between you when you hug. that way, your groins can never touch, all right? that's one answer. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: a lot of daylight, a lot of daylight. or a lot of times we don't touch at all. we just hang out and drink in silence. we stuff our feelings down into a tight little ball, then they come out inappropriately at dinner ten years later. speaking of man friends, you just saw him. say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: all right. that's nice. ( cheers and
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i think i should dance every friday night. from now on, let's dance every friday night. you gotta get it pup upon you gotta get it up for the weekend. there are so many decisions to make for a show like this. there are so many things i could talk about right now. so many things happen in the world. but sometimes i can't make up my mind. i cannot decide what we're going to talk about on the show, so sometimes i leave those decisions to one of my talented producers or sometimes i leave that decision to my good friend jack daniel's. and a lot of times i leave that decision to random chance. this is... >> audience: wheel of news! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, longtimerss of "wheel of the news" know we have installed a giant spinning whee t
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sullivan theater with important news topics like "politics," "entertainment," and "free spin." wherever the wheel lands, that's the story i talk about. and to operate it, i just pull a high tech lever, which is held up by my under-the-desk guy, brendan. come on out here, brendan! give it up for brendan, everybody. brendan. brendan, i could not do this without you. brendan, you know,un, you know, that you are a credit to lever holders everywhere, and i admire your skill and dedication. >> thanks, man, that means a lot. >> stephen: okay, get in the hole, get in the hole. get down there. are we ready to do it? are we ready? >> wait. >> stephen: you're a big man for such a tiny hole, brand an, i have to say. we're going to have to start greasing you up pretty soon. are you ready to do this, brendan? >> i'm ready. >> stephen: let's spin is itt! crime!
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( cheers and applause ) people love the crime stories. in crime news, a little girl in reno, nevada, recently witnessed an attempted armed robbery of a convenience store. now the girl's okay, and she even offered to help police by doing this drawing of the suspects. that's him on the left. and this picture over here on the right is evidently her sister being bitten by a shark. this is an all-points bulletin, folks. everyone, be on the lookout for a man with either hair or a hat, no knees, and 5:00 shadow that is wider than his face. all right. all right, let's spin-- excuse me, sir. you look very familiar. >> who, me? >> stephen: yes. were you at a convenience store in reno recently? >> no. nope. just a big fan. whoo! wheel of news! spin again!
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out. that checks out. sorry, sorry. here we go, next story. food news. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: my good night! >> stephen: in the world of food, there's a new plant-based drink on the market called ripple that, according its manufacturer, is something called pea milk. that is great news if you are lactose intolerant, or if your doctor says you should be drinking more pea. milk substitutes have now officially gone too far. first, we milked the soy, and i said nothing. then we milked the rice, and still i remained silent. next, we milked our nuts. almonds, cashews, coconuts. next thing we knew, we were even milking our muscle and our "of magnesia." and now we're being asked to drink pea milk. well, i for one ubelieve-- look out!
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>> ahhh! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i'm sure he's fine. i'm sure he's fine. no, i'm sure he's fine. i'm sure he's fine. let's spin it! sudden, heartbreaking awareness of mortality! sudden, heartbreaking awareness of mortality! jim, let's put five seconds of awareness on the clock. ( buzzer ) okay! spin her again! snack news! ( cheers and applause ) a great american tradition has fallen. i'm talking, of course, about cracker jacks. i have a box every time i am at the ballpark. it sprinkles over my nawchose. it's delicious. recently, cracker jack cracker jack-slapped us with the
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announcement that crackerjack is getting rid of the toy in the crackerjack box. apparently, instead of a prize, you get a sticker with a q.r. code on it that takes you to an online game. it combines kids' two favorite things: delayed gratification and not getting toys. if you ask me, this is the worst thing to happen to cracker jacks thing to happen to cracker jack since... to hear the punchline, simply scan this q.r. code. then when you get to the web site, confirm you are over 18 and enter code "crackerjoke," then, after a 30-second chase sapphire credit card ad, laughter is yours! we'll be right back with anderson cooper. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest this friday evening is the emmy-winning anchor the "anderson cooper 360". his latest project is a book co-written with his mother, gloria vanderbilt, and a documentary about her life. >> this is what he looked like when you first met him? >> well, it's a terrible photograph of him, but he was 63 when i first met him and married him. >> was it something-- like, as soon as you saw him, you thought-- >> instant. >> really? >> knew him for a week and married three weeks later. >> really! >> yeah. >> i didn't know that. >> yeah. >> how old were you. >> 20. >> you were 20. >> yeah, and he was 63? >> yeah. >> wow! did any of your fen
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was weird? >> uh... i don't know. i mean-- >> they didn't say anything? >> didn't matter to me. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: please welcome, anderson cooper! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: thanks for being here gee, a pleasure. >> stephen: i've said this to you many times, you are my favorite anchor of the news. >> thank you. >> stephen: i watch it every night. i get my glass of wine, a hand full of nuts and go, "i getta have my anderson." i want to talk to you about the election-- >> i like a guy who grabs his nuts before watching me. what can i say? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: one of the things
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appreciate that. i want to talk about the election-- >> you have no idea. >> stephen: in just a minute-- i have some idea. i want to-- i want to talk about your documentary with your mom because i haven't seen this one. i'm really looking forward to it, but i love the documentary you made about your dad. >> you sent me an e-mail about that. >> stephen: it was really extraordinary. a tender child remembrance of their father they lost at a young age. >> both of us lost dads early on. my dad died when i was 10. i always had a fantasy that my dad wrote me a letter and i would get it when i turned 21 and all the things i didn't know. i didn't want to have that same fantasy with my mom, and when she turned 91 i decided to get to know her as an adult, to change the conversation we had. >> stephen: let's show the picture we have. this is you and your mom. she's 92 now, what an incredible-- >> that's her at 91. >> stephen: ry,
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>> yeah. >> stephen: and for the people out there who may not know-- >> my mother is gloria vanderbilt. a lot of people know the name or know the designer jeans, but she's lived this epic life, and lived multiple lives. and i really wanted to show people who the real person is. >> stephen: why is it called "nothing left unsaid." >> i didn't want anything to be left unsaid between us. i wanted her to know me as an adult and know all the things i'd been too embarrassed to ask her about. >> stephen: like what? >> i don't know, i remember watching "robin hood" with her with errol flynn. and i said, "did you know errol flynn?" and she said oh, yes. and she dated errol flynn, she date how'd hughes, hot howard hughes -- >> so "nothing left unsaid." was there anything said that
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that had been left unsaid?" >> yes. should i tell what you it was? >> stephen: please. >> we wrote this book affect which was an e-mail conversation, which was kind of a companion to the documentary called "the rainbow comes and goes." >> stephen: here it is right here. >> it's a "new york times" bestseller. i asked her, what was howard hughes like? and i was like, was it like leo dicaprio? and she said, "much better than him." and then she just volunteered it was the first time she didn't have to fake an orgasm. and i was like--... oh! >> stephen: check, yeah. ( laughter ). >> stephen: good to know. >> good to know, yes. >> stephen: good ton. >> it's a visual i have not been able to get out of my mind since then. yeah. >> stephen: did you say that you and your mother did this via e-mail? >> oh, the book we wrote. yeah, we started the documentary. she got sick lailgt bit. and we just started this e-mail
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birthday all the way to her 92nd birthday. and i asked her a question-- it was easier-- you know, when your mom is telling you about orgasms, it's embarrassing. so it's much easier to have this conversation or ask embarrassing questions over e-mail. >> stephen: at 91, when you guys started, your mom was fine with e-mail? because that's good for a 91-year-old. >> she got an e-mail when she was 89. i didn't have the patience to deal with it. i tried for a day and wanted to kill her. so i actually got a friend of mine to do it who is far more patient and far more medicated. yeah, to this day, she calls up my friend with like, "the e-mail is stuck. you can come over?" so my friend whats too over -- >> it's stuck in the tube. it's all stuck in the tube. >> exactly. >> stephen: do you see your mom all the time? >> i don't. the nice thing about being on tv is you don't have to see your mom as much. she watches me every night, so she feels like she sees me. >> stephen: that's nice. >> months will go by,
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realized a couple of months ago, i realized i hadn't seen her for, like two months, and i called her up, and said, "do you want me to come by?" she said,"i'm good. i see you." >> stephen: i have my wine and a hand full of nuts. i'm good." stick around and we'll talk about the election. we'll be back with some more anderson cooper.
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( applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with anderso andersor from cnn. anderson, the election is unlike any other election. >> you think, really? is there i have experienced. >> i don't know. seems pretty normal to me. no, it's-- >> stephen: you have talked to all the candidates, all the remaining candidates, certainly, talked with them for a long period of time. donald trump, the one that we see on camera. >> right. >> stephen: is he the same guy you meet backstage before y
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interview him? >> pretty much, yeah. i don't think there's much difference between what you see on television or what-- i mean, it's not-- >> stephen: that's actually not comforting news. >> i mean, it's not like i'm hanging out at mar-a-lago by the pool. >> stephen: i bet you could. i bet your mom could get you an inn vitation. >> you think so? i did go to his apartment to interview his wife, melania, which was nice, and i was the only one who didn't have to wear booty s. >> stephen: you have to wear booties? >> it seems like the secret service had to wear, like, surgical booty s. >> stephen: is it all deep-pile white shag or something like that. >> it was a nice carpet. yeah, it was a nice carpet. and i guess i don't -- >> pass muster. you're so shiny looking you must be clean? >> she was lovely. it's been fascinating. whatever you think of donald trump or any of the other candidates, people have been involved in this election in a way i have never seen before, and watching and interested
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many head-snapping moments. you just whip around like you just heard a car crash. >> my friend andy coep, who you know you had on, from bravo, he feels now he has the right to moderate a presidential debate because it's been come like housewives' reunions. >> stephen: it would be fantastic. some cocktails, that would be incredible. except trump doesn't drink. >> he does not drink. his brother had a drinking problem. his brother passed away early -- >> his only vice is self-tanner, evidently. ( laughter ) are you surprised that the-- >> i want to be in your "hunger games" send-off next time. >> stephen: you? >> yes. i want to somehow-- >> stephen: i would love to have you come by for the "hungry for power games." we probably should do one to get carly firina back in the games. this is the first time we had one of the departed, one of the fallen to come back from the dead. did that shock you at all, so
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chance of clinching the nomination or the convention name their running mate all right? >> you know, it's just par for the course of how things are going. look, i think it was a way of change the conversation. he had a really bad night on tuesday night, and so what better way to kind of distract from that, than announce your running mate and sort of-- i don't know-- make yourself seem more viable, perhaps. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> yeah. and she sang, too is there i know. i know. very few vice presidential candidates sing when they get to-- >> not enough in my book. not enough. >> stephen: exactly. >> i'm all for it. >> stephen: exactly. i know biden probably could, he probably could. i would love to hear him sing some bon jovi. that would be a lot of fun. >> i imagine him singing "danny boy "or something. >> stephen: we'd all be coming. >> , of course,. >> stephen: do you have anything coming up? is there another debate coming up you're moderating, another town hall? >> they pop up with some regulators. there are no more debate they say know about, but there will, obviously, be presidential debates once the can
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set. >> stephen: you said to donald trump, you said to donald trump in his town hall, you accused him of acting like a five-year-old. >> i didn't accuse him of it -- >> you did. >> i just pointed it out. >> stephen: you said-- >> i pointed it out. >> stephen: he said they started it. he said something about somebody-- >> this was when he was fighting and retweeting-- it's the retweets that get him. he was retweeting an unflattering picture of heidi cruz, and he said he started it, meaning ted cruz, and i said, "that's the answer of a five-year-old." >> stephen: i believe you said, "all due respect"-- >> "all due respect." >> stephen: you could put that in front of anything, "with all due respect, you have ( bleep ) for brains. all due respect." "all due respect, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. all due respect, all due respect." >> someone from my family from mississippi, when somebody from mississippi says, "bless your heart." >> stephen: "bless your heart"
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it's almost as bad as, "i'll pray for you." congratulations cnn's ratings are up 150% or something like that. >> that's great. >> stephen: congratulations. >> well, thanks. >> stephen: have an excellent rest of your election here. please come back when somebody drops out you can join me here in the thunderdome. and always lovely to see you, anderson cooper, everybody. "the rainbow comes and goess" i in bookstores now. we'll be right back.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, hey. welcome back. my next guest is a film, television, and stage actor who currently stars on usa's "royal pains." please welcome mark feuerstein.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ). >> hello, everybody! hello! hello! >> stephen: i like that. you really take command of the stage like that. >> look at all these beautiful people out here. ( cheers and applause ) yeah! why not! why not! >> stephen: i did not go to the american school of pandering. that's very good. i could learn a little bit from you. i think they're actually physically attractive. >> that's what i meant. >> stephen: you pander better than i do. you pander better than i do. welcome. >> thank you. it's so nice to see you. >> stephen: the eighth season of "royal pains" on u.s. anetwork. eighth and final? eighth and final season. this is our swan song. >> stephen: eight years of anything is quite an achievement. >> it is the holy grail of television to go eight years. unbelievable. >> stephen: you play a concierge doctor. >> a concierge doctor, yes. >> stephen: what is a concierge doctor?
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doctor? >> it harkens back to the old days, stephen, of like marcus welby, a doctor who came to your house and knew the patient very well and took care of them one on one. >> stephen: wow. that's older than marcus welby. >> that's like back -- >> that's like delivering babies at home. >> exactly. >> stephen: do these guys still exist for the rich and famous? >> actually, our show told the future. when we first made the pilot there were not many concierge doctordoctors in the world, bute then many have grown. concierge medicine is very popular now, and a lot of doctors will be calling to tell you that they've gone from a hospital to private practice and now you're going to be paying four times as much as you used to. >> stephen: what do you get? do you come to my home-- >> i come to you, stephen, and treat you directly to the patient. >> stephen: not you, obviously. you're an actor acting like-- >> no, i'm a doctor! >> stephen: after eight years, you could have been a doctor by now. >> i believe i am. >> stephen: do you ever say to yourself, damn
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damn it! you're a well-educated guy. you went to princeton university ( applause ). >> thank you very much. i'll take a wup on that. >> stephen: i think that's why you go to prups ton is for the wup. when you told the folks you got the part did you say, "mom, dad, i'm going to be a doctor! on tv." >> you know what? they've just been pretending i'm a real doctor and tell everybody, "yes, that's my son, the doctor." >> stephen: are your parent supportive of you being a doctor? >> they're very supportive. >> stephen: sometimes parents are worried about that stuff. >> i think they were worried at first. here i had a princeton degree and here i was throwing it away. >> stephen: what was the the degree? anything like acting? >> tv doctoring. >> stephen: tv doctoring involves a fair amount of sex with your patients, doesn't it? >> oh, yes-- stephen, "i would never do that. >> stephen: you would never do that but your character would. >> my character has never slept with a
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watch. ( laughter ). >> i've just slept -- >> you're the only tv doctor who doesn't sleep with his patients, then. >> i've just slept with everybody else in my life-- my character. >> stephen: your character has. okay. that's nice. that's nice. after all this time have you learned any real doctor stuff? do you feel like you could fake your way. give me a babcock clamp. >> that's amazing. >> stephen: that's a real thing. i learned that one thing in case somebody says, "are you a real doctor?" could you fake your way through something? >> i'm terrified about the moment on the plane when somebody says, "we need a doctor" and hay turn to me. >> stephen: could you do that? >> i was at a party in the hamptons and a person came up to me and said, "my wife has been stung by a bee on her lip. can you please help her?" i said, "i'm a doctor on television. no, i can't." i went over to her and i said, "it's going to be okay. and we're going to get somebody who can actually help you." >> stephen: you lied. you
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to be okay. she could have gone into an in factic shock. i heard this right before you came out here, one of my producers saying, you got re-bar mitzvahed at 30? >> i did. i'm so glad to get that out there into the world. i'm so proud of that. >> stephen: i don't know why she knew but she told me. >> you're a very public catholic, right. >> stephen: i'm catholic and a public figure. i am not going to lie. i am a catholic. i am not as public about my judaism? >> you should get it out there. >> stephen: how do you get re-bar mitt vad at 30? it not take the first time? >> it did take. but catholics and jews share that guilt we experience. >> stephen: yes. >> am i right, brother. >> stephen: yes, we totally do. >> i'm a pleaser. i'm a nice jewish boy. and my father said, "mark
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coming up this week in synagogue, would you like to do your bar mitzvah portion again?" and like a moron i said,"sure, dad, i'd love to. glvment did you have to relearn it. >> yes, i was riding around manhattan with a walkman-- that's how long ago it was-- i was listening to the song to learn it. i had just come out of a bad audition and i was listening to this song and i grabbed the walkman and threw it against the wall and said, "why am i doing this! >> stephen: to please your parents. now, getting recircumcised, that's a little tougher. >> right now, baby! right now! let's do this! >> stephen: thank you very much. >> stephen: the final season of "royal pains" premieres on usa may 18. mark feuerstein, everyone. we'll be right back with "friday night fights." welcome, welcome!et you! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think.
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everything's on sale at havertys anniversary sale. plus enjoy twenty-four month, no-interest financing. havertys everybody. as we all in this room know, it ised from here at the "late show"." ( cheers and applause ) that means "friday night fights," where we pit any two things against each other. for instance, your wife's crush on ryan gosling vs. your man-crush on ryan gosling. then we let you choose the winner by posting the match-ups on twitter, also known as donald trump's press secretary.
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>> audience: friday night fights! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a friday crowd! that's ad from crowd right there if i ever heard one. first, let's look at the results from last week's fight against "the odd couple's" thomas lennon, which pitted gandalf and optimus prime versus dumbledore and voltron. i went with dumbledore and voltron, and the winner was gandalf and optimus prime with 68% of the vote. ( applause ) all right. i may have lost last week. i may have lost, but do not get cocky, lennon. i know where you live. thursdays at 8:30, 7:30 central. only... cbs! now, let's meet this week's opponent. she's an actress, comedian, and
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senior political correspondent on "the daily show." put your hands together for jessica williams! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: good to see you. thank you for being here. jessica. good to have you here. >> thank you for having me. i appreciate it. >> stephen: jessica,un i don't take this match-up lightly because i know you are a formidable opponent. i understand you have a new podcast. >> it's called two dope queens. >> stephen: two dope queens. okay. >> me and one of my closest friends, phoebe robinson and we have a bunch of stand-up comedians from new york. >> stephen: are you two dope queens or two dope queens. >> a little bit of both. come to our show and listen to our podcast. >> stephen: could i be a guest. can i be a doab queen? >> you can be
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dope queen. >> stephen: we'll get there some day, my friend. >> maybe, but we probably won't. >> stephen: we'll see. >> we won't see. there's nothing to see. >> stephen: if we can dream twe will realize it. >> in this case it's not what it is. >> stephen: do not dictate-- do not dictate my identity. >> you're not even a little bit close. you're not even a little bit close okay. >> stephen: let's rumble. are you ready to do this? now you've got my irish up. let's rumble, because our match-up tonight is a classic: the morton salt girl versus cap'n crunch. let's go to the tale of the tape, starting with morton salt girl, coming in at just heavy enough not to be carried off by her umbrella in a stiff wind. strengths include intense briny flavor and the ability to withstand light rain. weaknesses include she bought that umbrella from a street vendor, so it's going to last about five minutes. she's going girlo-a-mano against cap'n crunch, coming in at 30% of your recommended daily allowanc v
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strengths include part of a complete breakfast and a huge set of crunchberries. weaknesses include breathing problems from lack of nostrils, and your mom won't let you buy him. so, jessica, i hesitate to ask here. who are you putting your money on? >> let's see. >> i'm going cap'n crunch. >> stephen: you're going can the captain. >> definitely, going with the captain. >> stephen: why? >> let's go first things first, he is an adult man and she is a tiny girl. >> stephen: and he's not going to punch her because she is a girl. he's a gentleman. he's in the navy. he get tossed out. if he hits the girl i think checkmate we're over. >> we are not over. he a veteran. he has to deal with the v.a. this little girl is minuscule. >> stephen: he comes in for the attack, boom, salt in the eyes. he's blind, she snaps it off at his trachea, he's dead. >> wait you think a little salt in his eyes is
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problem. >> stephen: it will be a problem. >> he spent his life at sea. he is used to a little salt, dude! >> stephen: jessica, jessica, no. >> yeah! >> stephen: may i remind you his sea is made of milk, okay? he's riding on a milk sea. is this battle happening on land or sea? >> it's happening anymore exwrp. >> stephen: really, he can't take his boat with him. >> i don't know if you know this about the captain but he takes his boat wherever he goes. that boat can bust into rooms and travel on land. >> stephen: i know the morton salt girl clearly knows kung fu. >> how. >> stephen: listen to her motto, when it rains it pours. she has clearly been trained by ascendant masters. she's going to pluck out his eyeballs. >> she's not going to get close because hes had a cannon on his boat and he will shoot cap'n crunch berries and cut up the inside of her mouth. >> stephen: she can control the weather because for the last 100 years it's been raining
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only her. she's like storm from the x-men. >> he's used to that stormy weather. again, he has seen some ( bleep ). >> stephen: i'm disappointed they am taking the side of a girl against some old, white man. i apologize-- i apologize to women everywhere that i believe that a girl can do anything she puts her mind to, and you seem to think-- >> so bad. >> stephen: you picked your side. you picked your side, dope queen! all right. >> stephen: let us know what you think, america. head to twitter and vote. who would win, the morton salt girl or cap'n crunch? the polls close wednesday at midnight. jessica, formidable as always. please come again. that does it for: >> audience: friday night fights! >> stephen: we'll be right back with gwen stefani.
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♪ i was fine 'fore i met you i was broken but fine ♪ i was lost and uncertain but my heart was still mine ♪ i was free 'fore i met you i was broken but free ♪ all alone in a clear view but now you are all i see ♪ hey wait a minute no you can't do this to me ♪ wait a minute no that's not fair ♪ hey wait a minute you're on me like jewelry ♪ i really like it but i'm so scared ♪ why'd you have go and make me like you usyeah this is a feeling i'm not ed to ♪ why you have go and make me like you ♪ i'm so mad at you cause now you got me missing you ♪ cause now you got me missing you
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♪ something i could get use to i could get used to this ♪ it's getting harder to leave it ♪ your lips on my lips oh i can't believe it ♪ how good it could be didn't wanna believe it ♪ but not you are all i see ♪ hey wait a minute, uh no you can't do this to me ♪ wait a minute no that's not fair ♪ hey wait a minute you're on me like jewelry ♪ i really like it but i'm so scared ♪ why you have go and make me like you ♪ yeah this is a feeling i'm not used to ♪ why you have go and make me like you ♪ i'm so mad at u cause now u got me missing you ♪ why you have go and make me like you ♪ yeah this is a feeling i'm not used to ♪ why you have go and make me like you
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♪ i'm so mad at u cause now u got me missing you ♪ oh god thank god that i found you ♪ oh god cause now you got me missing you ♪ oh god thank god that i found you ♪ i'm so mad at you cause now you got me missing you ♪ thank god thank god that i found you, ooh ♪ and now you got me missing you ♪ why you have go and make me like you ♪ yeah this is a feeling i'm not used to ♪ why you have go and make me like you ♪ i'm so mad at you cause now u got me missing you ♪ why you have go and make me like you ♪ ah this is a feeling i'm not
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♪ why you have to go and make me like you ♪ i'm so mad at you cause now you got me missing you ♪ oh god thank god that i found you ♪ oh god cause now you got me missing you ♪ oh god thank god that i found you ♪ i'm so mad at you cause now you got me missing you ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the album "this is what the truth feels like" is available right now. gwen stefani, every.body we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in monday when my guests will be bill o'reilly, morris chestnut, and a musical performance by deerhunter. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> reggie: ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right ♪ it's the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from florida, texas, give it

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