tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 1, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
so here's the thing -- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: larry? good to see you. this is my show. why are you doing the monologue? >> larry: oh. i thought that whoever leaves 11:30 p.m. at comedy central just gets the "late show." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i thought that's how it worked. >> stephen: no. >> larry: so, anyway. >> stephen: larry, larry. no. >> larry: it's because i'm black, isn't it? >> stephen: a little bit. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes larry wilmore! chris noth! and musical guest sampha, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now at the ed sullivan theater in new york city,
colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) whoo! jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause ) hey! welcome to "the late show"! thank you so much! please, welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm stephen colbert. happy to be here. please have a seat. hey, did you all see the big trump speech last night? i haven't seen that many angry white people since they cancelled a coldplay concert. the last 24 hours of donald trump has been an emotional roller coaster. you must be this crazy to ride.
for an ally. >> there are many improvements that could be made that would make both mexico and the united states stronger and keep industry in our hemisphere. >> stephen: that's not softening. trump has always called for a wall between the hemispheres -- and he will make the oceans pay for it. but as soon as he got back on u.s. soil, he was back to trump classic. a quick warning-- if you have any small children in the room, please place them in front of you as a human shield. jim? >> if these violent offenders cannot be sent home, our law enforcement officers have to release them into your communities. ( audience reacts ) those released include individuals convicted of killings, sexual assaults, rape, attempted murder, and child molestn.
the result will be millions more illegal immigrants; thousands of more violent, horrible crimes; and total chaos and lawlessness. that's what's going to happen, as sure as you're standing there. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( whispers ) >> stephen: is the bad man gone? ( laughter ) jimmy? do i have time to change my pants? because i am at code brown right now. okay. people, we are calling this a speech, but that implies he spoke. he really screamed, so i'm going to call it a screech. how does he change emotions so quickly? he went from mr. cool in mexico to thermonucle
i'm starting to think there might be more than one donald trump-- my theory: trump is actually three oompah-loompahs standing in a human pyramid inside his suit. they take turns on who gets to be the head. one of them is reasonable. and two of them really don't like immigrants. it would explain all his policy reversals, and his skin tone. and trump was just getting started yelling about foreigners. >> most incredibly because, to me, this is unbelievable, we have no idea who these people are, where they come from. i always say trojan horse. >> stephen: yes, a trojan horse. or trojan pinata. they're a crafty people. you know, they'll make it. it will be festive. they'll wheel it to the border and we'll hit it, but instead of candy falling out, it will be illegal immigrants! who will steur
point is, we can't accept them because they may not accept us. >> sometimes it is not going to work out. it is our right as a sovereign nation to choose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us. >> stephen: yeah, america has the right to choose immigrants who love us. and donald trump knows they're out there. he's already married two of them. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) come on! (piano riff) you know -- you know that's true! so to calm our fears and give us some new ones, trump laid out his ten-point immigration plan, and he started with the hits. >> we will build a great wall along the southern border.
and mexico will pay for the wall. believe me. hundred percent. they don't know it yet, but they're going to pay for the wall. >> stephen: yes, mexico doesn't know it yet, but they're going to pay for the wall. he'll just sneak it onto the dinner check. ( as mexican president ) "let's see, we had the potato skins, cheeseburger, two diet cokes, a $50 billion border wall. was that for the table, right?" we all ordered that. after that, trump made a solemn scream to protect america from these monsters. >> we will terminate the obama administration's deadly -- and it is deadly -- non-enforcement policies that allow thousands of criminal aliens to freely roam our streets, walk around, do whatever they want to do, crime all over the place. >> stephen: yeah, they walk around, they crime all over the
place. they crime over here, they crime over there, here a crime, there a crime, everywhere a crime-crime. ( applause ) there is no other way to say it! but trump is ready to make us safe on day one. >> there are at least two million -- two million, think of it-- criminal aliens now inside of our country. two million people, criminal aliens. ( audience reacts ) we will begin moving them out day one, as soon as i take office. day one, my first hour in office, those people are gone! >> stephen: gone! gone,
a lot of people have said it's impossible to deport 11 million illegal immigrants, so trump's only going to do 2 million in the first hour. it helps to break down a big task into manageable chunks. point is, he's going to do it. because trump is sick and tired of america getting pushed around by those huddled masses yearning to breathe free. >> hard to believe with the power we have, hard to believe. we're like the big bully that keeps getting beat up. you ever see that? the big bully that keeps getting beat up. >> stephen: you know how poor, defenseless bullies are always getting beat up. remember how bad you felt when that mean karate kid beat the crap out of cobra kai? that movie ended horribly! this time, the bullies win. "trump 2016: sweep the leg." ( cheers and applause ) (piano riff)
no mercy! so this is a bad situation, but, don't worry, trump has a loud solution. >> i call it extreme vetting, right? extreme vetting. i want extreme. it's going to be so tough, and if somebody comes in, that's fine, but they're going to be good. it's extreme. >> stephen: yes, extreme extreme, extreme, extreme vetting. ( air guitar ) ( applause ) so extreme! i'm talking underwater paperwork, citizenship test on a skateboard, and no one gets in unless they camp
as always, our extreme vetting will be sponsored by mountain dew baja blast. ( applause ) ( laughter ) of course donald trump's not the only news out there. turning to the "where are they now" file, hillary clinton is still running for president. she's been keeping a low profile, and it could be because of the scandals that continue to swirl around the clinton foundation -- the non-profit charity she and bill set up to ensure that future generations would have an ample supply of clinton scandals. the latest is an investigation that found bill clinton used taxpayer cash to supplement the pay of clinton foundation aides, and to buy the group's i.t. equipment, including servers.
servers? stop it! if your name is clinton, stay away from servers. that goes for hillary upgrading her data storage, or bill talking to the waitress at applebee's. don't do it! just go to the kitchen! get your own hot wings. ( applause ) now, it turns out bill got this money through something called the former president's act, which is like a pension that congress passed to "maintain the dignity" of the presidency by helping former commanders-in-chief avoid hard times. it's so important. you don't want some weird old president wandering around your neighborhood, pardoning pigeons for a nickel. well, it turns out, since bill -- here you go, give me $5, i'll tell you the launch codes. all right. ( laughter ) well, it turns out, since bill clinton left office, he has made unprecedented use of the former president's act, requesting $16 million, more than o
the other living former presidents. makes sense. it costs more to run a global charity than what george w. bush was requesting: ( as w. bush ) i need $20 for my foundation to buy art supplies so i can continue to paint my toes in the bathtub. but -- i got to work on my george bush impression. ( laughter ) but as bad as this all looks for bill and hillary, the investigation "did not reveal anything illegal"-- which, at this point, really should be hillary's campaign slogan. ( laughter ) stick around. we'll be right back with larry. wilmore. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ nexium 24hr is now the #1 choice of doctors and pharmacists
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) (singing mac the knife) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back! hey, everybody! my first guest tonight is a comedian, writer, producer, and my brother from another network. please welcome larry wilmore! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> sorry for that little mishap earlier. >> stephen: no, happens every night. it's the first time we broadcast it, though. ( laughter )
here, man. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: i'm going to take a page out of your book. let's keep it 100. how do you feel about the sudden and unexpected cancellation? how do you feel about that? >> are you trying to get me canceled again, stephen? what's going on? >> stephen: no, just want you to keep it 100. >> i will. i am very disappointed. i thought we would be on through the election. you never know what's going to happen. it's tough when you do a tv show. you're thankful to do a tv, but we haven't talked to them in a while and you're the only one in a relationship that didn't know it was over. how's it going, larry? great! you know? ( laughter ) so i'm sad but proud of the work we did. i like to live in the abundance of being grateful for what we had to do and i hope i can do someg
sometime. ( applause ) i will say i am very upset they did cancel a brother's show when all the best worst racial stuff started happening. hillary calls trump a bigot, he calls her a bigot, he's going on his mexican tour, you've got a quarterback that won't stand for the nationa national anthem fore issues. the best race stuff happens when i lose my show. >> stephen: always the last place you look. >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: one of the things i liked from the first moment the show was on the air, i love this shot. i love that map back here. that spoke volumes. why did you make that chose? >> steve bodo who is on "the daily show" -- >> stephen: great guy, yeah. people asked me, why is the map upside down? i said iis
premise. upside down is just an opinion. if you were out in space, it might not have any orientation. we've just agreed as a culture to call that a certain way. but if i disagree with your presently its on that and decide to look at the world in any way that i want, then that's what our show is. our show is we're going to look at the world in a different way. >> stephen: i understand it. what happened to this map? i love this map. >> i have no idea. >> stephen: i hope no one stored it this way because that would be very upsetting. that makes no sense to me now. >> mr. wilmore, you forgot your map! ( laughter ) >> stephen: jon stewart was on your last show. >> yes. >> stephen: and he said the show started a conversation. what conversation do you hope you were starting and how do you think the conversation can continue. >> jon was great. >> stephen: not a fan. >> larry: yeah, i don't want to get in that
( laughter ) john is great. >> stephen: super supportive. >> larry: frustratingly right. >> stephen: very few times when i've gone to the mat with him about this is not going to work comedically, i cannot say enough words on the number of times he was right and i was wrong. >> jon said he wanted to be a show where people could be on that don't get to be on all the time, hear voices that don't get to be heard. jon said, larry, you can go to any problem in the country now and if you scratch it hard enough, it will probably be race, class or gender that will be the issue. i never thought of it that way. he felt it would be nice to do these issues on the show. they were tough issues, but we felt we could do a comedy show talking about the hardest things to talk about in this country. >> stephen: one of the things you were talking about that i liked on your show
called the unblackening. >> larry: yes. >> stephen: explain to people who may not know what the unblackening is. >> larry: well, that is president obama leaving the white house. the white house is currently being unblackenned. >> stephen: it's still at peak blackening right now. >> larry: i would call it max blackening at this point. it is maxed out. i told the president make sure he takes the culturally appropriate stuff out of the white house. you don't want someone coming in going, cocoa butter, what is this? get that stuff out. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that sounds delicious to me. >> yeah, well, it can be. >> stephen: without going into any details that i don't think are appropriate is that i was lucky enough to be invited to the president's birthday party a couple of weeks ago. >> i guess the brother's invitation got lost in the mail. not like i
anything. ( laughter ) >> stephen: one of the things, he looked around the room and said, huh, this is probably as diverse of party that ever had been at the white house. i had to go over to the portrait of mckinley and explain. he looked surprised and shocked. >> larry: it's great when the white people make it a diverse party. >> stephen: felt that way. >> larry: but it is one to have the lasting legacies of the president. people ask me what do i think would be the best thing to come out of the presidency? i think it's obama being the president. when office kid you couldn't even think of a black man being a quarterback. now to seeing him leading the free world, words can't express it. the fact that kids won't even question that that's an issue. now it may happen with a woman in the white house. that it won't be an issue that a
it won't be a question anymore. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that leads me to another subject here, which is that you and i both hosted the white house accordance dinner. >> eyes -- white house correspondents dinner. >> yes, when you called president bush your nigger, i couldn't believe that. i stole it from you so i just wanted to give you props. >> stephen: you got it, baby, you got it. that is really tough. >> yes. >> stephen: what people don't understand is all they ever see -- there is 3,000 people in that room. >> larry: i had news people flipping me off. >> stephen: no way. don
afterwards, wolf blitzer was really upset. >> stephen: he was -- really -- up-- set! >> larry: yes. >> stephen: i really hate that ass (bleep) larry wilmore! ( applause ) we won't complete that because i said the word separately. >> larry: stephen, that was my whole joke. i did a joke about obama and drones. >> stephen: it's newt fun night unless you make fun of somebody in the room. >> larry: i thought it was a roast. >> stephen: those people have the nuclear launch codes but they can't take a (bleep) joke. >> larry: yeah! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i want to rule the world but heaven forbid you should take a poke at me. >> larry: i don't know. >> stephen: yeah.
>> stephen: you got to hang around afterwards. >> larry: yeah. >> stephen: you can't leave the room. it's not like there is a limo waiting for you to dive through the window and get away, as much as you want to. ( laughter ) >> larry: and because of that type of room you don't know how you did, because there were a number of people that weren't too happy with what you did. they don't want to look at you. you don't want to name animals you might have to eat if you live on a farm. they don't want to make eye contact because you might have to be dismissed. then people in your family say, it was great. i don't know if i can trust you. you love me. gets in the way of a real opinion. >> stephen: harry, a great actor, a very dignified talented actor. we went to university together. i had not seen larry for 20 years. he was there the day i did it. i was on the
up and says, that was really good. i said, it's great to see you, i don't think these people liked it. harry has such a fan tact voice. he leans back and he goes (bleep) these people. ( laughter ) >> larry: he said it there? >> stephen: he said it there. >> larry: oh, my god! that's fantastic! ( applause ) >> stephen: so, larry. (bleep) these people. >> larry: yes! >> stephen: that was good. >> larry: that's what i'm talking about. >> stephen: larry wilmore, everybody! we'll be right back with chris noth! ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: hey! hey! welcome back, everybody! my next guest starred in three of tv's best-known series: "law and order," "sex and the city" and "the good wife." his new movie is "white girl." please welcome chris noth! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ you look so damn debonair. are you training to be one of the three musketeers? i love the look. >> i'm growing it in between jobs and the longer it gets the more i realize i'm unemployed. >> stephen: this is your warning signal? >> yes. >> stephen:
going into this than running lines you need to call your agent? is that what's going on? >> oh, dear. >> stephen: you don't like being called a television icon, a very iconic thing to say ( laughter ) but you are a very definitive new york actor. some of the greatest new york tv series. did you just want to be a new york guy? is this where you hoped you would be working most of your career? >> i came to new york and i didn't really understand how i could go to -- well, at that period, you judded acting in new york and maybe you would do theater and more theater and perhaps someone would see you and you would go to l.a. and maybe do a movie or tv, but you started in new york with sort of the blueprint i had gotten into my head. >> stephen: you've had an amazing career here. not everybody gets to do that. l.a. is always calling. >> i was a little intimidatedo with l.a. i'm not sure how
and i live there half the time, my son goes to school there. you have to have a place in l.a. you like to live and a car you like to drive. >> stephen: because that's literally where you live. >> that's where you live. ( laughter ) but i'm lucky, my whole career was taking place in new york city. both my parents worked in new york city. i've come to it as a child. >> stephen: "law and order," what was the "law and order" you were shooting compared to the new york we enjoy now. >> let me give you the example of the new york i knew then that couldn't exist now. i can remember walking down eighth avenue which, at that time, you had people coming out of the theater, you had neighborhood stuff going on, you had a lot of the peep shows, you had guys, you know, loose joints! i got this, that, watch the cars, all that happening at the same time, and i'm walking down, people walking in the middle of the street and, as i'm
there is a guy in a laundry bin up to his neck in garbage with a tv he had jerry rigged into the lamp post and she was watching johnny carson. cops were walking by and i was, like, yeah -- >> stephen: happy days. yeah. that was new york. it was room for eccentricity, let's put it that way. >> stephen: you were also in another iconic, totally different kind of new york show, "sex and the city." >> yes ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. and there are actual buses now that have the "sex and the city" tour. i just don't understand it. >> stephen: are you on the "sex and the city" tour? ( laughter ) >> i'm wearing a dirty t-shirt or something, yeah, it's me! >>
mr. big, right here! >> stephen: mr. big is called mr. big because when the character is introduced the girls say, he's the next big thing, he's going to be the next donald trump. that's what it says. >> believe me... ( laughter ) believebelieve me. >> stephen: i want to ask about your mom, who i know that she passed away this may at the age of 92, and i'm sorry about that, but she was a real pioneer. she worked for cbs as one of the first on-air female correspondents. >> yes. >> stephen: what was that like having a mom as a reporter? >> i was so young, and she was doing amazing things. she was a very competitive, ambitious woman, very fierce, and i probably made her life miserable because i just, at that age, didn't give a darn what she -- you know, what she
i mean, she was doing stories on robert f. kennedy, mayor lindsey covering the riots. she was also a very beautiful woman who, after my father died, many men were falling in love with and occasionally we would see them at the house and i would have to weigh in on it. >> stephen: would she ask your opinion or would you weigh in regardless of what she thought? >> she would always ask me opinion and i would say, get rid of him! ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you realize what a pioneer she was? >> not at the time, no. she didn't say she was a pioneer, she was just doing it. at that time, i didn't realize how hard it was for women to be doing a job like that. it wasn't really something that computed to me. i think -- i'm very proud of her. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, i'm sorry for your loss, and
your memories. inspiring mom. now, the film you're doing now is called "white girl" which is about a totally different type of new york, about a girl who actually gets in trouble by sort of being adventurous in part of the town that she's not from. >> right, and i think it reminded me also when i was young before college, i took a year off and came to new york with my then girlfriend, and we moved to a section of brooklyn, and there is that sense when you haven't lived in the city of coming to new york and there is this exuberant sense of freedom and that, if you can make it here and find a place to live, no matter where it is, you're just very brave and sometimes reckless, and to get lost in this city, because all of a sudden you're part of something bigger than yourself, and to find a way to live, and i think where this film takes place reminds me a little bit of what sections of manhattan used to be like,
movie like "midnight cowboy." >> stephen: she takes risks and goes places she's never been before and there is a price to pay. >> yes. >> stephen: you play a lawyer who tries to help her. we have a clip. jim? >> what's your relationship? our relationship? how do you know him? well, he's my lawyer. and my neighbor. >> so you just want to help your neighbor? >> well, you can't just sit by and watch him go to jail because he can't afford a good lawyer. i want to help. >> well, okay. it does make a big difference to the judge when someone's there in court and actually cares about the person and is vouching for him, especially if that someone looks like you. ( applause ) >> i continue tell yout
happens. >> stephen: don't tell me what happens. well, we've got to go, but good luck with the facial hair and everything like that. >> i'm hoping to cut it off soon. >> stephen: chris noth, everybody "white girl" opens tomorrow. we'll be right back to talk about north carolina's private parts. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ with this level of engineering... it's a performance machine. with this degree of intelligence... it's a supercomputer.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. quick question here -- anyone here use the bathroom? i don't anymore because i'm too famous, i don't use it anymore. ( laughter ) remember that bill they passed in north carolina last spring, telling transgender people which bathrooms they couldn't use? well, last week, a federal judge blocked the university of north carolina from enforcing that law. so, good news for anybody who's been holding it since march.
i applaud the decision, but there is a downside. getting rid of the bathroom ban. put a lot of people out of work. here to discuss the economic impact of this decision, joining us live via satellite, please welcome an out-of-work north carolina junk checker. ( laughter ) sir, thank you so much. thank you for being here. >> thank you for being me. >> stephen: thank you for talking to us, mr.--? >> grabbler. peter grabbler. >> stephen: well mr. grabbler, i imagine the ending of the bathroom ban has been a difficult time for your industry. >> absolutely. it has ended a way of life. a proud heritage. i come from a long line of junk checkers. my pappy checked people's junk at public bathrooms. and so did his pappy before him. >> stephen: but the law's only existed for a few months. >> what's your point? >> stephen: nothing. so they fired you? >> they did. i tried to make a living as a freelancer, traveling around,
random, yelling "what you got down there?! show me what you got!" and then demanding cash. >> stephen: and you couldn't drum up much business that way? >> no, i made tons of cash, but it turns out asking for money to check peoples' diddly bits is technically prostitution. >> stephen: well, you seem well equipped for the job. what do you have in your tool belt, there? >> well, i got latex gloves, for obvious reasons, and i got this magnifying glass for when it's a cold day. and of course, i got my tongs! >> stephen: tongs? what are those for? >> for makin' barbecue. i'm from north carolina. always got to be ready to barbecue. also for lifting up the diddly bits. i warm them up beforehand. >> stephen: good to know. so, now that you're out of work, have you been offered any job re-training? >> yes. i've been able to use my skill set in my new job at a gro
>> stephen: what do you do there? >> oh, i inspect the hotdogs and the sausages, and the taco shells, the peaches, the yogurt penises. >> stephen: yogurt penises? >> those long tubes with the yogurt in them. >> stephen: i think those are called gogurt. >> potato, potahto. you know. oh! also those penis-potatoes! >> stephen: thank you. junkchecker, peter grabbler, everyone. we'll be right back music from sampha. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ we're going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sampha's album "process" will be out this fall! we'll be right back. thanks man. ( cheers and applause ) now at havertys furniture, it's our labor day sale. where you can create the perfect home. from now until september 5th, you'll find huge savings on stylish pieces.
plus an extra hundred-dollars off every thousand-dollars you spend. with havertys, your home can be perfect, even when life isn't. mom? have you see my iguana? the labor day sale is on now, at havertys. life looks good. fios is not cable. we're wired differently, which means we can fix things differently. thanks for calling fios. this is ryan. you can't tell me this cord isn't in. i know it's in. it's in, but it's not working. i'm sending you a link to the my fios app that going to let me see what you're seeing. really? yes, mr. mcenroe... see that cord? just plug it into the connector on the right. so you can clearly see what's in and what's out? oh absolutely. i like that. tech support that lets your technician see the problem over your smartphone. only from fios.
now stick around for james corden and his guests, danny mcbride, david duchovny, and many olympic heroes. good night! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun. ♪ feel the love tonight. ♪ it's going to be a slight. ♪ in the late late snow. >> ladies and gentlemen, all the