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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 8, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> it's time for the "late show"'s top albums of 2016. number 25, car seat headrest, teens of denial. a strong showing from the indie-rockers. number 24, kanye west, the life of pablo, an experimental masterpiece. number 23, frank ocean, blonde. a dreamy abstract record. and the album karen and i used to listen to before we broke up. here are the top things about karen in 2016. number 25, her smile. number 24, the way her hair smelled. number 23, the way shield throw her head back when she laughed. if karen would give me another chaps, these are the top things
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number 24, i can be a better boyfriend. number 23, i'm sorry i backed over your cat. i'm not drinking anymore. and if we do get back together, these are the top activities we would do. number 25, get you a new cat. number 24, go out for drinks with your friends who no longer talk to me. that's right, i'm drinking again! and drinks brings us to our number one album of the year, beyonce's lemonade. show"'s top albums of 2016. call me karen, please! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes octavia spencer, comedian john mulane and musical guest travis scott, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! thank you. thank you. thank you very much! welcome to "the late show," everybody. i am your host, stephen colbert, and check one's calendar because right now we are 43 days from the inauguration, and donald trump continues to fill out his cabinet. watching trump pick these people is like watching your nana get a spongebath; you know it has to
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yesterday, trump named scott pruitt, oklahoma attorney general and sworn enemy of the e.p.a., to be the head of the -- what's the word? the e.p.a. i would change my phone number, or else he's going to get some pretty angry calls from himself. there is a trend of trump appointing people to head things they're against. i'm looking forward to surgeon general joe camel. ( cheers and applause ) stop it! stop! ( piano riff ) this is the nicest audience i think that we've ever had. very lovely people. so what kind of e.p.a. head will pruitt be? well, he's "repeatedly explained that he thinks the states are in the best position to regulate local industries." makes sense. if missouri dumps chemicals into
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you stop at the arkansas state line." you're on your honor, okay? no further! >> jon: stop at the line, boy! >> stephen: look, mister! ( laughter ) trump also appointed w.w.e. billionaire and woman who's always in the front row of aqua aerobics, linda mcmahon, to lead the small business administration, which is a course, stands for "wee wittle enterpwise." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) i think it's great that we're bringing wrestling into the trump administration because, when the jabronis in congress try to block trump's agenda, linda's going to reach for the folding chair. ( laughter ) diamond cutter!
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listen up! ( laughter ) for now, trump's still living in trump tower, which is costing the city of new york $500,000 a day in extra security. he's not even president yet and trump's already done the impossible: made it more expensive to live in new york. ( laughter ) to cover the cost, mayor bill de blasio has asked the u.s. government for $35 million, but congress says they'll only pay $7 million. on new york city taxpayers, which, fun fact, does not include donald trump. ( laughter ) as far as we know. ( audience reacts ) ( booing ) we don't know. we don't know. >> ugh! >> stephen: this week, trump
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to start planning his inauguration, mark burnet, the reality tv producer behind shows like "the apprentice," "survivor," and "the people's choice awards"--people's choice, technically this year, was hillary clinton. ( cheers and applause ) doesn't matter. still going to be president. and in the meeting, burnett suggested inauguration day start with "a parade up fifth avenue what? no. we just had the thanksgiving day parade. we don't need to watch another bloated cartoon dragged down the street. ( cheers and applause ) that was a pretty good balloon, wasn't it? >> jon: yeah, that's a good
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and why hold a trump parade here in manhattan when hillary clinton won 87% of the vote? that's like holding a gay pride parade in mike pence's backyard. makes no sense. ( applause ) now, for some people, it's been hard dealing with the trump victory, but, in these tough times, it's important to look for inspiration wherever you can find it, most inspiring team in the n.f.l., the cleveland browns. ( cheering ) yeah. if you don't like football, you might be a cleveland browns fan because they are currently 0-12. they have not won a single game this season. so, technically, i am as good of a football team as the cleveland browns right now. ( applause ) we have the same record.
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announced yesterday that plans for a cleveland browns "perfect season" parade are moving forward. that's right. if the cleveland browns can manage to lose every single game this season, the city will throw them a parade. yeah! never say die! >> jon: now that's a thought! ( applause ) >> stephen: it's like the old saying life gives you lemons, those lemons probably play football better than the cleveland browns. this is one parade i can get behind. i'm rooting for the cleveland browns to lose all their remaining games. come on, fellas! you can't do it! leave it all in the locker room! and then go out there and give it 10%. ? we've got a great show for you tonight. octavia spencer is here! ( cheers and applause ) but when we return, we'll show you the top rejected holiday cards. stick around. whoo! ( cheers and applause )
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cleaning up pet hair and debris for up to 2 hours. which means your floors are always clean. you and roomba, from irobot. better. together. ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. give it up for jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i feel good. i feel free. i feel fine just being me. i feel good today. one of the things that makes me feel good on a dayreich today is holidays are coming up. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: it's an exciting feeling. electricity is in the air. >> jon: it's a great time.
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for the holiday, people get very busy about it. you going home? >> jon: yeah, going home, bringing gifts home, giving gifts out before i leave here. >> stephen: oh, that's cool. have you gotten me anything, jon? >> jon: i can't tell you yet. we've got to wait till the time. >> stephen: you can't even tell me whether you got me something? i'm not asking what you got me. i got you something. >> jon: what did you get me? >> stephen: i'm not telling that's how it works! ( laughter ) no pressure. a lot to do at christmastime. got to guy presents, trim the tree, make the eggnog -- whatever eggnog is. i think there is egg in there. i'm not sure what nog is. tastes like bourbon and pancake batter, the consistency of it. >> jon: something like that. >> stephen: but one of my
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they're a wonderful way to tell your loved ones, "i went to the drug store." but even the best holiday cards had to start somewhere. somebody had to work hard to write them. so tonight we're going to look at some early drafts of greeting cards in our segment, "first drafts!" ( cheers and applause ) >> that's stupid! ( cheers and applause ) >> of course, long-time viewers of first we look at the first draft of something before it became the thing you know and love. tonight, we're going to look at first drafts of christmas cards before they were good enough to give to loved ones. of course, to help me do that, i need a volunteer from the audience. okay, let's go out there and find somebody. help me out here. ( cheers and applause ) okay. anybody?
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>> tova. >> stephen: tova, would you like to help me with first drafts? >> sure. >> stephen: let's do it. come on! tova, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. tova, this is for you. there you go. talk into that and then the people at home can hear you. all right. oh, know what we need first of all? we need our christmas sweaters. there you go. there you ( cheers and applause ) >> clash with my top? >> stephen: you look fantastic, tova. no, no, looks incredible. now, tova, where are you from? >> delaware, originally pennsylvania. >> stephen: okay. and what are you doing in the city? >> i'm with my dear friend bobby mccullough, and we grew up together out there in pennsylvania. >> stephen: would you like a cookie?
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i've given sugar up. >> stephen: would you like cold milk? >> yes, i didn't give that up. >> stephen: okay, wonderful. this is what i need you to do for me, tova, is here are the holiday cards i will be showing to people. you hand me the next one in the pile when i call for it. you up for that? >> yes. >> stephen: all right. what are you doing for christmas? you going to be home, travel? >> no, i'm going to be home and i have two wonderful boys i just love dealer. >> stephen: that's >> michael and jamie. >> stephen: are they getting you something for christmas, do you think? >> they better if they know what's good for them. ( applause ) >> stephen: first card. here's a nice one that says, "joy to you and yours this holiday season!" very sweet. but the first draft said, "i can't remember your kids' names." happens, right? >> yeah. i forget my kids' a names
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the name of the family dog sometimes. >> stephen: what is the dog's name? >> docksy. she's passed away, though. >> utephen: docksy? dotsy. >> stephen: do you ever still call your children dotsy now? >> no, my memory's better now that they're older. >> stephen: here's another one. here we have a nice manger scene on the front, "wishing you the gift of faith, the blessing of hope and the peace of his love at christmas and always." that's a beautiful >> jon: oh, pretty. >> stephen: but -- the first draft said, "i know you're an atheist, but please pretend for grandma." ( cheers and applause ) >> i have family members like that. >> stephen: are you a person of fairkts tova? >> yes. >> stephen: okay, great. good for you. ( laughter ) here's one that says, "joy to the world." that's a nice message. but the first draft said, "i sell weed now." ( laughter )
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a similar -- it's a similar sentiment. similar sentiment. now, where did you grow up? >> i grew up -- well, mainly in pennsylvania. my dad was a 22-year-old seabee navy guy. >> stephen: so you went around the world? >> well, he did. we would be at different ports and he would come home. >> stephen: did he tell you where he was going to be or were you chasing sometimes running from him, but he found us all the time. >> stephen: that's a heart warming holiday story. thank you. ( applause ) thank you, tova. here's one that says, "may all of this good cheer last throughout the year." but the first draft said "why are you such a ( bleep ) the rest of the time?"
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in case people are watching, is there anything you want this year that you want to throw a hint out there for people because there are still a lot of shopping days left? >> another dog. >> stephen: another dog? mm-hmm. >> stephen: what would you name the new dog? >> lucky. >> stephen: lucky. yeah. >> stephen: wow. lucky that it's -- >> that i would be lucky to have the dog. >> stephen: oh, that is really sweet. that is very sweet. ( applause ) this one has nice stars on the is not a date, it is a state of mind." that's a very sweet idea. but the first draft said "i'm high right now. happy labor day." ( laughter ) and we don't want to exclude our jewish friends, so here's one with a menorah, and it says "wishing you love and happiness all hannukah long." but the first draft says "this was the only hanukkah card they had."
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( applause ) now for the final first draft card. here's a classic sentiment: "i'm dreaming of a white christmas." but the first draft said, "make america great again." ( applause ) tova, thank you so much for being here! that's it for first drafts of holiday cards. happy holidays to you all, no just give people cash! they love it! back with octavia spencer! thank you so much! ? ( cheers and applause )
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r? the lubricants that improved fuel economy. even technology to make engines more efficient. what company does all this? exxonmobil, that's who.
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. ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is an academy award winning actor
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help" and the "divergent" series. her new film is "hidden figures." please welcome octavia spencer. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: good seeing you! so nice to see you again! >> nice to see you! >> stephen: you were on with us last year. we had a lovely time. >> had a ballast time. >> stephen: you seem to have a lot of fun wherever you go. can i show this picture? >> yes! >> stephen: you were at the u.n. last week? >> unicef. i was at the emcee at the unicef ball. >> stephen: you ran into a very interesting public figure when you were there. how did this figure come about? >> i just broke my way in there.
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bathroom and hillary was there and it was, like, oh, my god, my hands are wet, and i love you! seriously. >> stephen: it must be interesting to run into her. it's like running into sasquatch, super famous but you don't see her anyplace. did you ask how she was? >> i just told her i love her. >> stephen: she looks happy. as much as you might want to be president, it's a hard job. >> i know. i just kind of wish things were won't we? >> stephen: yes, we'll persevere. you have something a lot of people don't have, i don't have, you have a day named after you in your home state of alabama. i don't have that in south carolina. you have octavia spencer day. we were talking about holiday food before the break. is there a traditional octavia
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march 21? >> yes, meatloaf, turkey or regular. >> stephen: i enjoy all my meats loafed. anything under a thick layer of ketchup and i'm good. i will eat it. >> i love meatloaf, i just love it. >> stephen: did you make it yourself? is it a family thing? >> i try to make it, but i'm not a cook. so, you know, i just kind of pitch my friends out and hope they make it. you know who makes an excellent meatloaf is melissa mth mean meatloaf melissa. >> stephen: how did you learn this about her? >> we were all really, really poor and we would have game night. it was the ugliest meatloaf ever known, but she would make a giant meatloaf for 40 people and i would always show up with my to-go bags. >> stephen: nice, and a spatula. >> it's wonderful. >> stephen: your new movie is called "hidden figures."
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extraordinary story of people coming together in the mercury program for n.a.s.a., and specifically the african-american women who i did not know were the human computers, the people doing the calculations for launch and reentry. >> yes. >> stephen: and specifically the story tells about getting john glenn into space, the first american to orbit the earth three times in five hours. >> yeah. >> stephen: and there is a special boy we recorded this just this afternoon and we just learned john glenn died. what did he mean to you before you did this movie? >> john glenn was the touchstone and we focused on the who got to go to space, but he was an honorable man. there is a moment in the film that he says he doesn't want to take the flight unless the numbers are checked by katherine
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color, and it was hard being in those rooms. and he showed a true act of faith by putting his life in her hands. >> stephen: how did this come about? you know, there's a sign, actually, in the movie at one point where the room where your characters are working which were real women which says colored computer because you were >> these women were mathematicians, polymaths. they can work in any field in mathematical sciences. they were all pretty brilliant, because i can only do one math, it's called basic. ( laughter ) and katherine johnson was a brilliant mind and my character dorothy vaughn was the acting supervisor of the african-american computers and, so, she was the one who would
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and she knew katherine was capable. >> stephen: i've always been fascinated by n.a.s.a., and i've interviewed some of those early mercury astronauts and apollo guys and i was obsessed with this when i was younger. how come i didn't know this story? >> i didn't know about it either. when i got the memo i would be meeting about this, i thought it was historical fiction. i think the reason we don'tno history are at that time the press. they were more focused on who was going but not how they got there. and these women were the inner mechanisms. they worked behind all the scenes. all the women, african-american and white worked behind the scenes, so there was very little regard to their contributions. >> stephen: besides being mathematicians and polymaths, they were friends.
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>> yes, they did. >> stephen: we have a clip of some of the women looking out after each other at a picnic, i think. >> he's coming over. now why would he be doing that? >> because mary is waving at him. >> no, i'm not! ladies, fix your hands. hi, colonel. i'm dorothy. this is katherine. not married, a widow with three girls, so well behaved. angels on earth is what to call dorothy. slice of pie? >> you already have a slice of pie, dorothy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: and it's not just -- my understanding is that it wasn't just sort of the mental calculations and the pencil typical calculations they were doing, it's that then i.b.m. was bringing in computers to do these calculations, and
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>> well, the computer wasn't like the portable thing that we know now. it would take up a room this size, and they had these men who were supposed to figure it out, and they couldn't get it to work, and dorothy vaughn, who she could, you know, disassemble and reassemble anything electronic, she figured out what the problem was and then realized that by getting the machine to work, it would put all of them out of work, so she taught herself how to program it, and then taught all the other women how to program the i.b.m. so she's the mother of women who code movements. ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm sort of obsessed with space travel. in the near future, it looks like civilians will be able to go to space. do you have any interest in being one of the pioneers and getting out there yourself? >> i'm not a pioneer. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you don't want to
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years from now. they can freeze me and in a hundred years wake me up and then take me, but i don't want to go right now. >> stephen: once they have meatloaf in space, you will go. >> meatloaf and tang. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here! "hidden figures" in select theaters christmas day and nationwide january 6! octavia spencer, everybody! we'll be right back with john mulane! stick around! ? ( cheers and applause ) my belly pain and constipation? i've heard it all. eat more fiber. flax seeds. yogurt. get moving. keep moving. i know! try laxatives. been there, done that. my chronic constipation keeps coming back. i know. tell me something i don't know. vo: linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation
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yep, got the exact doll she wanted. no, no, no, be right home. ? (squirrel screeching, birds chirping) (squirrel chittering) hey! hey! (tires screeching) hey! is this yours? yes. thank you! happy holidays. (vo) the real magic of the holidays is when we all give a little more. (man) thank you! mom's got this cold. hashtag stuffy nose. hashtag no sleep. hashtag mouthbreather. just put on a breathe right strip. it instantly opens your nose up to 38% more
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d say goodnight mouthbreathers.
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? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is an extremely funny actor, writer and standup comedian.
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> how are you? >> stephen: wow! hello, how are you? >> stephen: doing fine. how are you? >> i'm very good. >> stephen: congratulations. i understand the show has been extended through january. >> yes, till january 22nd yes! >> stephen: i think it should be extended forever. >> really? >> stephen: people don't know, you have guests who come on the show. >> we have a surprise guest every night. our two characters have their own cable access show within the play and we have a special guest come out, myself and the wonderfully talented nick kroll. we're basically on sixth avenue.
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i was a guest one night and i couldn't believe how devastatingly crushingly funny it was. i was, like, they're going to have to check the building for structural damage because the laughs were so loud. it was almost infuriating how well the show was going for you. >> that was a very nice compliment. you're a very nice man to be infuriated. that's wonderful. >> stephen: do you want to go further than jan oh for tickets. we would go till we were old enough to play the 72-year-old men we are now. we would like to do it until we don't get why it's funny what these two old men are doing. >> stephen: we'd never met before then. >> we had. >> stephen: i don't believe
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there for "the daily show," a show you did on comedy central. >> stephen: i remember that jon stewart, that guy, a 72-year-old jewish man. >> yes. >> stephen: your character is based on him. >> you were at georgetown university, you were doing a remote segment because there was a theology professor there who was an expert on saints. >> stephen: sounds like me. you were doing it research. you were coming around and i was headed to my 9:00 a.m. euro civ class. i passed you and i was this little freckle-faced, puffy, hungover monster, and i saw you and was already a huge fan from strangers with candy on "the daily show," and this was before cell phones and i couldn't get a
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eh -- >> stephen: i remember you, you were the eh guy! >> eh! >> stephen: yeah. yeah. >> stephen: georgetown. georgetown. >> stephen: so was that, like -- is it vital have it also in the basement? >> yes! >> stephen: i dated a girl at georgetown when i was in college and go to vital village. >> which didn't sell condoms because it was a catholic sc right. but let's gloss over that part of the story, i beg you because i did not marry this person, so move on. very nice, she wasn't into me. >> can't marry everyone who is nice because you would be married to too many people. that's what i say when i speak at schools. >> stephen: but you're married. >> yeah, i got married. >> stephen: i'm sorry i interrupted your marriage story.
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>> stephen: it really sounds like you're rubbing it in my face now. i also got married eeventually. >> we had a wedding, and there's a story. >> stephen: you went to georgetown. are you a catholic? >> yes. >> stephen: because it's a jesuit school. >> i've only gone to catholic schools. >> stephen: were you an altar boy? >> yeah. >> stephen: i was, too. how long? >> stephen: eleven years. i did four years. >> altar boys, pretty ceremonial, you hold candles and wear a white dress. a lot like the guy who held the umbrella for puff daddy. remember that guy? farnzworth bentley. >> stephen: that was his name? yes. so i was an altar boy and i would stand up and get $20 a wedding. sometimes the best man would tip you another $20. so i got $40. i was very excited about this until my friends where were
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bar mitzvahed and i became very jealous about that because they were getting hundreds of dollars. mean while, i was having a confirmation. were you confirmed? >> stephen: of course, i was confirmed. >> what do you mean of course? >> stephen: well you said, i got married. i can say, i got confirmed. >> true. >> stephen: i'm a catholic. to have the sacraments. you have to be confirmed or else you're not catholic. >> yes, it's a sacrament. while your friends are being bar mitzvahed where your friends are doing the electric slide, you are getting oil on your head when your skin is as oily as it has ever been, and you are being asked to reject satan just when you're beginning high school when you need him the most. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's true. obviously --
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( laughter ) the most important thing, what's your confirmation name. >> martin. >> stephen: not bad. why? >> because my -- >> stephen: big dean martin fan? >> a big dean martin fan ( laughter ) >> stephen: why martin? martin was the middle name of my older brother who passed away. my older brother took peter. >> stephen: why did he take peter? pete snore my confirmation was simon because my brother peter passed away and i picked peter because of simon peter. >> i did martin because of my little brother. so that was very nice. >> stephen: it is. confirmations are nice. i'd just rather do the electric slide with everyone at a bar mitzvah. >> stephen: are you still a
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>> uh -- >> stephen: i'm afraid that's all we have time for -- ( laughter ) >> my parents are watching. you know -- yeah, you know. >> stephen: on christmas day, are you going to be with your parents? >> to, i will be on broadway -- no, i will be on broadway, so i guess that's the least catholic thing you can do is be on broadway and go to a chinese >> stephen: nice seeing you. merry cells, happy hanukkah. >> i will be going to church next christmas because i love the bad singing. >> stephen: bad singing? yes, well, one thing i admire about jews is they have hebrew, so when you sing, all people singing in hebrew doesn't sound great, right? but in church, people are trying to sing well, and they don't sound good either. there are guys that just work in
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and they work in church and have sports coats, pass the basket around, and they get up and sing even though they're not singers and they sing the psalms -- ? the bread of bread is bread ? ( singing offkey ) and then they raise their hands and if you think they know their lines, we didn't know our lines. and the dad sings way too loud trying to get their kids to hinge. my dad once grabbed me by the back of my izod shirt in church and said, god can't hear you. >> stephen: wow, what a great father! what a lesson for all of us! >> yes. >> stephen: john, pleasure to have you here. "oh, hello" is on broadway now.
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mom! and for sore losers! nighty night. when are they leaving? grilled cheese and campbell's tomato soup go together like grandchildren and chaos. made for real, real life. ? ? ? ? ? hey barbie! do you have anything i can borrow for the holiday party? of course! cute! do you have anything f
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medley of two songs from his album, "birds in the trap sing mcknight" ladies and gentlemen, travis scott! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? 'cause you're sweet sak pas? ? wah yah seh runnin' up ? all this cake bag it up ? then come right away 'cause you're sweet ? what's your status might hit your address ? if i'm on them addys jet right to you ? i can't do no traffic i can't do no lacking ? 'cause you're sweet like cocoa
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? hangin' out with you is a no go ? 'cause you're sweet 'cause you're sweet like cocoa ? but all you wanna do is the coco ? hangin' out with you is a no go ? 'cause you're sweet ? ? ? ? i get those goosebumps every time, yeah ? you come around, yeah you ease my mind ? you make everything feel fine worry about those comments
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it's way too dumb, yeah ? i get those goosebumps every time ? i need the heimlich throw that to the side, yeah ? i get those goosebumps every time, yeah ? when you're not around when you throw that to the side, yeah ? i get those goosebumps every time, yeah ? 7-1-3 to the 2-8-1, yeah i'm riding ? why they on me why they on me ? i'm flyin' sippin' lowkey rider, rider ? when i'm pullin' up right beside ya ? popstar lil' mariah ? when i text a cute game wildness ? throw a stack on the bible never snapchat or took molly ? she fall through plenty her and all her ginnies, yeah ? we at the top floor right there off doheny ? oh no, i can't ( bleep ) with y'all yeah, when i'm with my squad
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saucing in the city ? don't get misinformed yeah, they gon' pull up on you ? yeah, we gon' do some things some things you can't relate ? yeah, 'cause we from a place a place you cannot stay ? oh, you can't go oh, i don't know ? oh, back the ( bleep ) up off me ? i get those goosebumps every time, yeah ? you come around, yeah ? you make everything feel fine worry about those comments ? i'm way too numb, yeah it's way too dumb, yeah ? i get those goosebumps every time ? i need the heimlich throw that to the side, yeah ? i get those goosebumps every time, yeah ? when you're not around when you throw that to the side, yeah ? i get those goosebumps
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( cheers and applause ) >> list upto music from travis
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? ?? ??
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?? ?? >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be olivia munn, martin freeman, and comedian tom papa. now stick around for james
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good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show


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