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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 22, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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♪ ♪ done! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, will smith; anna kendrick; and the "big furry hat." featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, it's the best in "late show" retrospectacular end-of- year wrapupabration! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. thank you so much. hey everybody, welcome to "the late show." so glad you're here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) it's lovely to be back. we haven't seen you guys for a week.
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i hope you guys-- everybody have a good thanksgiving? ( cheers and applause ) i did, too. i had a fantastic-- jon, you were there. >> jon: yeah, that was great. >> stephen: fantastic, here's something i discovered this thanksgiving. i discovered if you bury your face in the pecan pie, it absorbs your screams. ( laughter ) and the best part is, after you- - it's true-- after you put your face in it, you get to have the whole pie. ( laughter ) you just keep shoveling it in there, and if you keep the pie in your mouth, you don't have time to yell at rick. >> jon: hey, i remember that. >> stephen: so, anyway, what's happening, guys? seriously, what the hell is going on? ( laughter ) i haven't been watching the news much, the last week, and i just kind of dipped my wick back in it last night, and i still don't know what to make of our president-elect. yeah, it's hard to know what he's doing. and here's one of the reasons:
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the last time donald trump held a news conference was july 27. remember those days? ( laughter ) the conventions were in full swing, rihanna was dancing with drake and into our hearts. ( laughter ) mike and dave had not yet found wedding dates. but here's the thing-- donald trump, even though he is now the president-elect, is still not letting reporters follow him. trump is ditching the white house press corps like they're paparazzi. journalists have to trick their way into reporting on the man who's going to have the nuclear launch codes. >> right now, in a new york restaurant-- not far from here, in fact-- president-elect trump is having dinner with mitt romney. how did you get into the restaurant? >> we had gotten a tip, anderson, before this dinner that it was possible that they could be here. so, like any enterprising reporter, we decided to go ahead and make a reservation. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, it's all about reservations. and i have a lot of them. ( laughter ) trump and romney last night were
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dining at a four-star french restaurant called jean-georges. sounds fancy, but jean-georges could be french for "waffle house." ( laughter ) i don't know, i don't speak french. and they were joined at dinner by reince priebus, who is trump's chief of staff and not, as you may think, an item on the menu. ( laughter ) "would you care to start with some priebus? it has been lightly reince'd." ( laughter ) the billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and sautéed frogs legs. i thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents. ( cheers and applause ) now, here's the thing-- >> jon: easy being green, baby. >> stephen: sound good, though, sounds good. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: here's the thing-- mitt romney at dinner with trump. no. ( laughter )
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i know mitt is up for secretary of state, but i also know what mitt said during the campaign. >> donald trump is a phony, a fraud. his promises are as worthless as a degree from trump university. he's playing the members of the american public for suckers. he gets a free ride to the white house, and all we get is a lousy hat. >> stephen: yes, all we get is a lousy hat, and the young garlic soup and the frog's legs. ( laughter ) i bet those frogs legs taste a little bit like trump's ( bleep ). >> jon: whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, did, did-- ( cheers and applause ) did trump enjoy this public display of his most prominent republican critic bending the knee? i don't know. let's just check out the photo of trump at the dinner. ( laughter ) yeah, i think he did. i'm glad they shot that from the waist up. because he seems very happy. now, some people think in this photo trump looks like the devil here.
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i think he looks like the guy who fired the devil one week before christmas. "you can't fire me one week before the holidays. you're a monster. what about my son damien? you know he has asthma. he was counting on that trip to harpy potter world." that's my devil. so, trump looks like he's feasting on baby souls in that photo, but let's take another look. what about romney? how's he look? ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) oh! oh, mitt! i know he ordered the frog, but it looks like he's eating crow. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i know, this is how-- ( cheers and applause ) this is kind of how i feel all the time. that face-- i find myself making that face a lot since the
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( laughter ) what's happening? what's happening? what's happening? i don't know what's happening. ( laughter ) i don't know how much we're going to keep on this for broadcast, but most of-- i think we're off the air at this point, aren't we? ( laughter ) all right. you know what i don't necessarily understand? have you guys heard about the recount going on in wisconsin? for those of you who haven't heard, jill stein, the green party's presidential candidate and grandma's new roommate, is ( laughter ) seeking a recount in wisconsin, michigan, and pennsylvania. but she's not looking to change the results. stein explicitly says on her website: "our effort to recount votes is not intended to help hillary clinton." it's all summed up in her campaign slogan-- jill stein: i'm not helping. ( laughter ) it's honest.
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you know what else isn't helping? donald trump's tweets. he's gotten his phone back, evidently, and he apparently has a lot of free time. what's going to happen now? is this how we learn about things from the president? are we just going to have a tweet of the union? #strong. ( laughter ) trump tweeted plenty o' the cray-cray this past week. but the craziest was this gem: >> stephen: now, when asked for proof that there were millions of illegal votes, trump said he couldn't provide it because his millions of dogs ate it. ( laughs ) and, yesterday, trump took more time off from setting up-- again, the government of the united states-- to tweet this:
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>> stephen: okay, first of all, those aren't equivalent things. loss of citizenship-year in jail. that's like your dad saying "johnny, you took the car without permission. so you're either grounded for a month or you're castrated." you choose. ( laughter ) no, no. that's it! snip, snip. snip, snip. and it looked like trump brought up the flag burning out of nowhere. until someone noticed that "fox and friends" did a segment on flag burning just before trump's tweet. so, there's a reasonable chance the president-elect is just firing off tweets about the last thing he saw on tv. ( laughter ) which explains trump's other tweet, ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause
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>> stephen: oh, you know what? >> jon: i remember that. i saw that one, too. i saw that one, too. >> stephen: the thing is, no matter how you feel about flag burning-- and for the record i'm not a fan-- i agree that the american flag should not be disrespected. it is a sacred symbol that should be honored, whether it be on paper plates or napkins or banana hammocks. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight, so stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ as soon as i became a parent i changed as a person, drastically. ♪ i tried hard to quit smoking. ♪ but when we brought our daughter home that was it. ♪ now i have nicoderm cq. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an international superstar, and it gives me great pleasure to say, please welcome will smith! ( cheers and applaus)
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> that's a good band. hey! ( cheers and applause ) let me go kiss that lady. i'm going to go kiss that lady. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) oh, man. hey! oh, man! whooo! ( cheers and applause ) no, i was watching-- i was watching in the back when-- the --
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>> at the top of the show? >> what's your name, miss? >> debbie. >> debbie. how you doing, debbie? ( cheers ) >> stephen: that's all we have time for. thank you so much, will. it's always a pleasure, always a pleasure. it's great to have you on. you know-- that's a real superstar, a guy who can take his time with the audience like that. not everybody can do that. that is truly a skill what you just did. >> oh, man, i cut that down. ( laughter ) that was the short version. i didn't want to mess your time up, you know. >> stephen: the first time i met you was in 2008. you were on the old show. >> yup. >> stephen: 3,000 people i've interviewed. you're the only person who ever just came straight into the rewrite room and came over and said, "hi, i'm will smith. i'm very happy to be here." i thought, "i think this guy is running for president of my show tonight." ( laughter ) obama was running that year-- >> i know, yeah. >> stephen: and you said maybe you should be the first black president. ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah, i missed it. i missed it, though. no, i was thinking about it.
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eight years. that's a hard job, man. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah, it is, it is, yeah. eight years ago, he looked like you look now. >> yeah, right, exactly! exactly. i was like, man! ( applause ) no, that-- >> stephen: you ever think about it? because people would vote for you? you'd vote for him, wouldn't you? ( cheers and applause ) debbie would. >> debbie would for sure. >> stephen: you have got to get the debbies. does politics hold any interest for you? >> you know, i definitely have had the itching, you know. i've had-- you know, i have lots of views and ideas and sometimes i hear people say things on television, and i just want to run against them. ( laughter ) >> stephen: run straight at them? >> just straight at them and knock them over. but, you know, it's-- it's something-- i think it's not where my greatest gifts are, you know. but i-- >> stephen: like politics and
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>> yeah, it really is. it really is. >> stephen: because you have to hold the audience's attention. >> and there's good actors and bad actors in the same way. i've definitely thought about it. my wife has said on numerous occasions, "hell no." ( laughter ) >> stephen: is that a direct quote? >> yes, it's a direct quote. >> stephen: let me write that down, "hell no." >> i'm not sure what she means by that, but that is what she said. >> stephen: you know what might be the next best thing? you, i think, would do a great job playing the role of barack obama. ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah, see, that might be good. that might be good. >> stephen: that might be fun. do you have-- like have you worked on your obama? because you guys both have swagger? >> yeah, swagger. we've talked about it a couple of times. >> stephen: you and obama have talked about it? >> yeah, we've talked about it. >> stephen: hold on. >> yeah, me and "b" was talking about it the other day, you know. >> stephen: like you do. >> you know, we was just chatting. but we talked about-- we talked about it a c
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he said the one thing what is for sure, i have the ears to play him. ( laughter ) yeah. >> stephen: that's true, yes. >> i think that is-- >> stephen: the man does not need the n.s.a. he can hear what everybody is saying all the time. ( laughter ) after eight years of the barack obama presidency, there was all this sort of hope that we were in a sort of a-- or talk at least about, that we were moving into a post-racial society. what do you think of race relations, given the tension now in the united states after eight years of the obama presidency? >> you know, it's interesting. i always look at these things in terms of a marriage, you know. so i-- i've done my 10,000 hours of marriage counseling, right? so, you know, jada and i have worked really hard to develop a successful relationship. so i always look at things in terms of relationships. so when i think about race relations in this country now, there's a thing that happens
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before things are cleaned up. there's a darkness before the dawn that is always difficult, you know... ( applause ) thank you, thank you very much. >> stephen: so now-- >> so, you know, when i hear people-- when i hear people say, "it's worse than it's ever been," i really disagree completely. it's clearly not worse than it was in the '60s, you know. ( laughter ) and it's certainly not as bad as it was in the 1860s. ( laughter ) right? you know. so-- >> stephen: sort of like a doctor has to go open the abscess to drain the wound. you've got to see what's going on? >> we are talking about race in this country more clearly and openly than we have almost ever in the history of this country. it's on the table. ( applause ) you know. >> stephen: because we have a history of sort of ignoring problems until you can't anymore. >> ignoring it, yeah, i think racism is not gettinrs
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it's getting filmed, you know, you know. so i think-- i think that -- >> stephen: the revolution may not be televised but it's being tweeted. >> it's being tweeted, for sure. you know, so, i really think this darkness, as bad as it is and as difficult as it is, the problems are on the table, you know. so i-- i view that in same way as jada and i had to work through things in our marriage. when the truth comes out, when it gets on the table and you have to confront what's real, it sucks. you know? >> stephen: sometimes one of the two people says, "oh, hell no." >> oh, hell no. oh, hell no. if you think you're going to be doing that in this relationship, you've got another think coming. you know. no, but i do view it as a difficult time, but i think-- i think it's-- the problem's on the table. and i think there's an opportunity more than ever for a level of understanding that we've never had before, you know. >> stephen: that i
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>> stephen: we've got to take a little break here. we'll be right back with more will smith. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ s! oh, you smell the same. meet my wife and my kids. oh you guys are so good-looking... and impeccably dressed. thanks. it's all old navy. you sending off some last minute gifts? i miss us. you know? you should go to old navy. the entire store is up to 75% off right now. amazing idea. okay, i think i'll go there. get out of here. i don't know what that is. i'm just scratching my eyes. an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with will smith. now-- ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah! >> stephen: you people at home, you-- you can't believe how good he just made these people feel. check it out online. i'm sure we'll put it up some place. now, i actually had one other question about "suicide squad." >> yes? >> stephen: this is great ensemble of big stars, each playing these sort of super villains. and we had margot robbie on here, who plays harley quinn. >> yeah, she's fantastic. >> stephen: and she said she has her own tattoo gun, like--
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>> yes, yes. >> stephen: and that she was tattooing the word "squad" on all of you all. >> yeah, not all of us. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you not get the "squad" tattoo? >> see, here's the thing. see i try-- i try to keep myself young and in shape and, you know, this cast is a the lot of, you know, 20-year-olds. right? and the thing about a 40-year- old hanging with a 20-year-old is you realize really quick you're not a 20-year-old. ( laughter ) you know. >> stephen: you look pretty good. pretty good shape, man. >> so she comes in, you know, with her -- >> stephen: with the needle. >> her full 20-year-old glory and a tattoo gun, "hey, everybody! let's give each other tattoos." no. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: not even like-- not even like in, like, a hidden place or anything like that? >> no, just no.
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no. ( laughter ) so she started giving everybody tattoos, and then-- i am easily influenced. so i didn't get one, but i gave a really bad one. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you used it and gave somebody else-- >> yeah, i gave somebody a really bad, really bad tattoo. joel kenneman, he plays lieutenant flagg. and he was like, "come on. tattoo! tattoo! tattoo!" and i was like, "yeah!" and i was like, "oh! tragedy." ( laughs ) >> stephen: so you-- so you showed some reserve there. >> yeah, no, i mean, i didn't do it, but it's like he has one for the rest of his life. >> stephen: for you, like you-- >> for me, i was like nah! i'm good. i'm 40. >> stephen: you put a lot of thought into the things you do. you don't go off half-cocked. >> no, no, i like to keep it somewhat cerebral. >> stephen: i believe that. i believe that, bec i
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>> oh, hell yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i thought that about you. i thought you were deep. >> it's funny that you ask me that kind of question because i'm so deep-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm deep, too. that's why i ask questions about whether somebody's deep. >> oh! that's deep. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and, you know, these people may know, whenever i have a guest who is as deep as you are and as deep as i am, i like to invite them to contemplate the mysteries of the universe with me in a segment we call "big questions with even bigger stars." ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow, what a beautiful night. >> yeah. >> stephen: look at that sky. >> lots of stars and stuff. >> stephen: yeah.
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i feel really close to you right now, will. ( laughter ) ( laughs ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: hmmm. >> you know, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, will? >> how do you want to be thought of by your great-great grandchildren? >> stephen: oh, i think i'd like them to think of me as still being alive. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: you know? >> yeah, that would be good. >> stephen: hey, will? >> yes, stephen. >> stephen: with all these new medical advancements, how long do you think humans will be able to live? >> well, not long enough to watch your whole netflix queue. >> stephen: probably not, probably not. ( laughter ) >> stephen? >> stephen: yeah, will. >> do you ever wonder if we're all, like, just inside of some dog's dream? ( laughter )
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>> stephen: no, because if we were, then there wouldn't be vacuum cleaners. ( laughter ) >> oh! ah. well, unless it's a nightmare. >> stephen: true, good point. ( barking ) >> yeah. what do you want on your gravestone? >> stephen: i think, "well, i thought it was funny." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen? >> stephen: will? >> when-- when someone calls you but it's a wrong number, do you ever think about that's the last time you'll ever talk to that person? ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, because i call them back a year later for revenge. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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a shooting star! >> oh! >> stephen: wish on it. don't tell me what it is or it won't come true? >> it already didn't. ( laughter ) ( applause ) hey, stephen, if you could trade places with anyone on earth, just anyone. >> stephen: anybody? >> anybody, who would it be? >> stephen: i'd have to say you, will. >> aww. >> stephen: what about you? >> uh, i'd say you. >> stephen: oh, oh, man, that's so nice. >> yeah, but only after you were me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: oh, okay. yeah. >> i'd still be will smith, but i'd be like, "hey, i admire that guy."
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( laughter ) stephen? >> stephen: will. >> what do you think about when you close your eyes? >> stephen: that i probably shouldn't be driving. ( laughter ) will, will, do you-- do you believe in reincarnation? >> um, no. but i did in a past life. ( laughter ) >> stephen: will, are you an introvert or an extrovert? >> um, that depends on how cold the water is. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you believe in free will? ( laughter ) >> oh, no, man. i'm really expensive. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: yeah. >> do you-- do you believe in a higher power? >> stephen: oh, yeah, definitely. and they're telling me we have to go to commercial right now. >> oh! >> stephen: will smith, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) "suicide squad" opens worldwide this friday. we'll be right back. thank you, will. ♪ ♪ wow! this toilet paper reminds me of a washcloth! that's charmin ultra strong, dude. cleans so well... ...it keeps your underwear cleaner. (secretly) so clean... you could wear them a second day. tell me i did not just hear that! (sheepishly) i said you could... not that you would! ...charmin ultra strong with its washcloth-like texture, helps clean better than the leading flat-textured bargain brand. it's 4 times stronger, and you can use less. it cleans better. you should try it, "skidz." we all go. why not enjoy the go with charmin?
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. say hi to jon batiste and stay human, ladies and gentlemen. amazing. ( cheers and applause ) i love hearing you guys play that. >> jon: you see that? >> stephen: well, welcome back,
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my first guest is an academy award-nominated actress, singer and now author. please welcome back to the show the lovely anna kendrick. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hi, guys! >> stephen: it's so nice to you have here. >> thanks for having me back! ( cheers and applause ) that's how i feel! oh! >> stephen: people love anna kendrick. >> i feel like joy comes at me in rage waves right now, so i totally got that. >> stephen: the joy is coming in rage? >> all of my emotions are really confused right now. >> stephen: even your joy is angry? >> everything's just kind of mixed up. but it feels kind of good, i think. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> i've been, like, measuring-- i don't know how you're doing. how are you doing? >> stephen: officially? great. >> yeah, yeah. ( laughter ) me, too. great officially.
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>> you are a ray of sunshine professionally. >> oh, thank you. >> stephen: people are happy when they see you. >> that's so sweet. that would be nice. >> stephen: you're happy to see anna kendrick, aren't you? ( cheers and applause ) exactly! how are you coping? what are your coping mechanisms right now? >> well, i mean, i cope-- i've basically been measuring my progress in, like, i've been crying a little less each day. >> stephen: that's cool. >> so that's good. i know that maybe makes people feel uncomfortable but you've seen me cry in movies. it's nothing new, it's fine. >> stephen: sure. >> but i have been going from crying to laughing and laughing to crying a lot, so everything is just kind of mixed up. >> stephen: you haven't gotten the med mix quite right? ( laughter ) >> i was trying to open a bottle. i couldn't get a bottle opened this morning, and i had this thought, and i was like, "i guess i really do need a man president." and i kind of laughed to myself and then started crying and then laughed. ( laughter ) >> stephen: um, ok, so in here, you actually say after you'd done "up in the air," you were totally busted, right? weren't you nominated for that? >> if by "busted" you mean broke, yeah, yeah.
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for that, weren't you? >> yeah, i mean weirdly, it doesn't come with a cash prize for being nominated, so--. i felt very weird like being-- you know, just kind of living the exact same life. and kind of wearing borrowed clothes and pretending i was real fancy. and then, you know, going back to my apartment. which, the day i moved out, they redid immediate-- like i found out they gutted it and redid it, because they were like, "oh, no, no one would rent this apartment as it is now." >> stephen: you couldn't have crashed with clooney? he's got to have an extra-- >> i know, what a stingy bastard. >> stephen: over on lake cuomo, over there. >> seriously. >> stephen: what a jerk. >> oh, he's in for a knuckle sandwich. >> stephen: so, here's the disturbing thing that i mentioned beforehand. >> oh, good. i'm glad didn't forget. >> stephen: you have been interviewed a lot and you said in the book-- this is on page 186-- you gotta get the book-- page 186 of "scrappy little nobody." do you know what i'm going to read? you said about being interviewed by people, you say about the person interviewing you, you say "every single time i picture
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them--" meaning the person interviewing you--" i picture them having sex." >> i didn't write that. >> stephen: "i don't mean to. it just happens. i can't stop myself. what is it like? do they have that same crazy are they like, 'i mean, wow, janet, this lovemaking is sensational. it's all i'm thinking about'." cheers and applause ) now then-- ♪ ♪ >> yeah. >> stephen: now, then, miss kendrick-- >> what are you going to do about it? >> stephen: i have interviewed you three times. have you pictured me-- ( laughter ) doing anything other than interviewing you during those times? you say every single time. are you lying in the book or do you have something to tell us right now? >> um, i will say-- >> look at me while you say it. come on. ( laughter ) tell me what you saw. ( cheers and applause ) tell me what you saw. >> you're doing very well.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: for a man my age. ( laughter ) >> is that any consolation? >> stephen: i love that you're here, and many times we're together we sing together. >> i know. i was sort of secretly hoping we were going to sing. >> stephen: i'm a little busy in a mild, you know, panic about the election. but i didn't have a chance to learn a song. would you be willing to do something-- >> well, the song that i keep thinking about, because this year has been-- 2016 has been kind of a bitch, and i keep thinking about this song-- which i know that you know. you must know it, it's sondheim. "i'm still here" from "follies." >> stephen: yeah, i don't know it to sing it. >> it's one of those songs, it just makes me feel empowered and like we've been through it but we can get-- >> would you sing a little? >> jon, do you know it? >> jon: yeah, i'll try it out d
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am i in the right key? i know you don't know-- it has the lyric "i'm still here" in it. >> stephen: i promise you i don't. i promise i don't ♪ good times and bum times i've seen them all ♪ and, my dear, i'm still here really? >> stephen: no, i don't ♪ plush velvet sometimes sometimes just ♪ pretzels and beer. but i'm here ♪ i've run the gamut a to z ♪ three cheers and damn it c'est la vie ♪ i got through all of last year and i'm here ♪ lord knows at least i was there ♪ and i'm here oh, i'm really feeling my own sound. ♪ look who's here
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ we're still here ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: anna kendrick, everybody! "scrappy little nobody" is out now! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ psh psh lunch is ready! campbell's spider-man soups. made for real, real life. thanks mom ( ♪ )
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back.
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say hi to jon batiste and the band, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) hey, you know, before the commercial break we were talking about that-- that donald trump guy? >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: more on that guy. i don't know what's going on with that guy. i don't know. and one of the reasons i don't know about him is he doesn't talk to the press. instead, he just tweets directly at them, things like: >> stephen: deal bad! trump smash deal! trump's going to do all of his foreign policy via social media. stop manipulating your currency, china, or he will swipe left. ( laughter ) and the twitter presidency is perfectly fine with the only member of the trump press corps that does get an interview with trump, this guy:
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>> stephen: yeah, if something bad happens, they'll just tweet it: ( laughter ) fine, fine. it will be fine. ( cheers and applause ) here's the thing. i think trump's taking to twitter all the time is just a way for him to get around the press. the way a dictator would go out on his balcony to issue decrees to the adoring masses below. which is upsetting to me because, you know-- democracy. ( laughter ) but mainly, because he's clearing ripping off my segment, "big furry hat." ( cheers and applause ) where i issue decrees from my balcony and theny staff ts
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need proof he's ripping me off? he's wearing a permanent furry hat. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) well, mister, listen up! listen up! two can play that game that two are already playing. so, mr. trump, let me show you how it's done. this is "big furry hat!" ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's good right there. that's good right there. ( laughter ) my people! ( cheers and applause ) my people. now that this hat is upon mine head, any and all proclamations
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, the word "carpool" shall refer only to driving your car into a pool. ( laughter ) sharing a ride to work with other people is now called "job- related morning aroma mingling." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it's been-- it's been 50 years. it's time we bake and eat the pillsbury doughboy. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) there shall be an immediate ban on the manufacture of new coffee mugs. there are enough coffee mugs currently in existence. ( cheers and applause ) if you want a new coffee mug, go to the thrift store and just take 20. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) from now on, if it's a throw
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( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the phrase "bowl eligible" shall no longer apply to college football teams, but rather to anything i feel like eating. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, eggplant must be named something less misleading. ( laughter ) such as "bitter purple trash fruit." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) from this moment forth, scientists shall drop everything and invent a drug as satisfying as peeling lint off the dryer filter. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) if you write-- if you write-- if you write... hard to read something that far away. ( laughter )
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if you write a think-piece about millennials, you forgo your right to computer help from a millennial. ( cheers and applause ) from now on, universal remotes must be truly universal. i want to turn on a tv on the moon. ( laughter ) from this day forward, eyelashes on a cartoon character do not signify female. men also have eyelashes. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) to make weather reports more accurate, the actual sun must wear sunglasses. ( laughter ) for the sake of honesty, instagram shall change its icon from a camera to a person sitting on a toilet looking at a phone, catching up on their friends' vacations. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, instead of having to buy a case for my iphone, apple should just make phones that don'(
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ the hat has spoken! ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: well, that's it for tonight, folks. i'm almost done wrapping my gifts. just got to wrap some up for my assistant. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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you know what? she deserves some nuts. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ your homework, son it's gonna be okay ♪ it's the late, late show ( cheers and applause ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from balackuquesomacarachala, give it up for your host, the one, the

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