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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 6, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> google home, stop. >> apologies. okay, i'm in. how do we do it? >> i'm not sure. google home, how do we murder? >> here's information on how to murder. >> playing "murder" by diana glory. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes salma hayek pinault. hasan minhaj. and musical guest feist. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( applause ) first of all, congratulations-- i'm going to start off tonight's show because congratulationses are in order to george and amal clooney on the birth of their twins. good for you, guys. ( applause ) so at 56, george is now officially a d.i.l.f. -- a dashing intensely liberal father. ( laughter ) also, i would have sex with him. there's also slightly less important news than that. just a little bit less. it's a top-secret n.s.a. report that detailed russian hacking
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efforts days before the 2016 election. days before? come on, guccifer. that's poor planning. you can't leave your hacking to last minute. put some thought into it. no one wants an election you just picked up at walgreens. ( laughter ) apparently, russian hackers tried to gain access to a company called v.r. systems by sending workers there phony emails that appeared to be from google that would request their login credentials. okay, here's a little tip: if it looks like google but isn't really, it's either a hacker or bing. don't open either. just stay away from both of them after-- i don't know. i don't even know. that's how bad bing is. i don't even know if that joke works. after the hackers gained access to the company's accounts, they then sent "an email to trick local u.s. government employees into opening documents that were
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"invisibly tainted with potent malware." okay, they sent it to the poll workers, okay. this is how democracy ends, with a fake email sent to the ancient cat lady manning the polling station at your high school gym. ( laughter ) "okay, let's check my aol. okay, here's something: 'forward, forward, forward, forward, antiaging cream with scent of grandson. oh, click." there you go. so who really knows who won november 8 now, other than vladimir putin. now, i'm a little rusty on my constitution, but i guess this means new election? ( cheers and applause ) why not? sure, let's have another one. let's just get the band back together. somebody find jeb and wake him up! n'
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check the mild salsa aisle. ( laughter ) or a store that sells only mayonnaise. now, all along, donald trump has said the entire russia story is fake news, and there's no way to know whether this document was real, other than the fact that the leaker was immediately arrested. "fake news, real prison." ( laughter ) the leaker's name-- and this is true-- reality winner. so, it's official-- the trump administration is at war with reality. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ now, ms. winner is a 25-year-old former air force linguist who speaks three middle eastern languages, which should have raised red flags right
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because you know where they speak middle eastern languages? the middle east! ( laughter ) reality winner had top secret security clearance and worked for a private intelligence contractor called the pluribus international corporation. so a young female spy named reality winner stole intelligence from the pluribus corporation. that sounds like a bond movie, which, of course, makes donald trump. ♪ small finger wa-wa-wa! here's how they caught her. investigators noticed the document appeared to have been folded, meaning someone printed it out, and it contained "small, barely visible yellow dots that show exactly when and where documents, any document, is printed." wow, you can trace any document based on tri
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it's like n.c.i.s. meets dilbert! ( laughter ) so now the evidence that russia tried to manipulate the election is pretty strong to everyone but the guy who did it, vladimir putin. so, on sunday, he appeared on megyn kelly's new sunday night news show, "sixty minutes of megyn kelly." and when it came to who really was behind the election tampering, putin's explanation relied on what's called occam's razor, because the whole thing makes me want to cut my wrists. jim? >> translator: there's a theory that kennedy's assassination was arranged by the united states intelligence services. so if this theory is correct-- and that can't be ruled out-- then what could be easier in this day and age than using all the technical means at the disposal of the intelligence services and using those means to organize some attacks and then pointing the finger at russia?
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>> stephen: nice try, vlad, but i will not stand by while you try to confuse the american people with (bleep) conspiracy theories. that is donald trump's job. ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile-- no, i won't take it! ♪ ♪ meanwhile, a lot of people in the white house are worried about a big shakeup right now. none more so than chief of staff and man whose name sounds more made up than "covfefe," reince priebus. now, priebus has always had a bit of trouble fitting in at the white house because he lacks the one quality trump values most in his staff: being married to ivanka. even though reince still has his job, insiders say that he's a dead man walking. not to be confused with the
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that's steve bannon. ( laughter ) he looks fine. he looks good. he's got a nice tan. got a nice tan. now, there's one thing really keeping priebus from being replaced, and that's finding a replacement. apparently, his greatest job security is that there are few takers for what might be an unworkable gig. so, i just want to say to the president, you might want to hold off building that border wall, because white house chief of staff is another job americans don't want to do. and it's a lot like farm work: long hours, low pay, and a whole lot of manure shoveling. we've got a great show for you tonight. i'll be joined by selma hayek pinault. but first, i'll be talking twitter with a certain cartoon world leader. stick around, won't you?
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( applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human right over there. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! hey! >> stephen: jon, good to see you. as always. i just want to take a second right here, i just want to take a second right here to recognize-- to recognize,s this is the 73rd anniversary of d-day. on this date in 1944, the largest amphibious landing in the world happened on the shores of normandy to liberate france andur
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and there are still wwii veterans out there who fought on that day. go find one, give him a kiss, all right. ( applause ) including-- and i don't know if i told you this-- including my uncle eddie, who was in the 101st airborne and went in eight hours before d-day to cut wires behind enemy lines and he got caught immediately and then escaped and ran off, and joined up with his unit. yeah. thank you, eddie. ( applause ) ( cheers ) now, folks, the president's executive order blocking immigrants from six muslim-majority countries is headed to the supreme court. ironically, it could be people in robes that stop donald trump from banning people in robes.
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a shot to win this one if they can convince the court that the order is not an unconstitutional travel ban. and they have been very, very disciplined with this message. >> this is not a travel ban. >> it is not a travel ban. >> it is not a travel ban. >> because when we use words like "travel ban" that misrepresents what it is. >> stephen: tandhen yesterday on twitter the president backed them up, and off a cliff. "people, the lawyers and the courts can call it whatever they want, but i am calling it what we need and what it is, a travel ban!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) enjoy, travel ban! then he continued supporting them under the bus. "that's right, we need a travel ban for certain dangerous countries, not some politically correct term that won't help us protect our people!"
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sir, you're really hurting your own case. you used to call it a muslim ban. travel ban is the politically correct term, as in, i don't like those "travelers" with their "travel" beards when and they pray on their "travel" rugs. these tweets threw the white house into complete disarray, which was a refreshing break from the usual spiteful chaos. so, they sent out white house advisor and radio shack manager who is not going to accept a return without a receipt, sebastian gorka, who explained that the president's tweets are not policy. >> his tweets are the policy. they are statements from the president of the united states. >> they are not policy. it's not policy. >> of course it is. >> it's social media, chris. it's social media. it's not social media. it's his words, his thoughts. >> it's not policy. it's not an executive order. it's social media. please understand the dien
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>> stephen: okay, i understand the difference between policy and social media. i don't understand the difference between you and a douchebag. please understand the difference. please. please understand the difference. but loud and clear, okay. i get the message-- president trump's tweets are not considered official statements, end of-- i'm sorry, what? >> are president trump's tweets considered official white house statements? >> well, the president is the president of the united states, so they're considered official statements by the president of the united states. >> stephen: gah! ( laughter ) oh! ( cheers and applause ) aaah! what could possibly have happened in the last 24 hours to account for a 180 like that?
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working so hard trying to get me not to use social media. they hate that i can get the honest and unfiltered message out." oh, yes. oh, yes, the media hates it. and let me just say something quickly to donald trump. first of all, thanks for watching, sir. second, second, as an honorary member of the media, please stop sweeting, especially early in the morning, because we have to write about it all day long. some days, we come up with too many jokes, and we have some left over for the next day, and i can start drinking early. so no tweeting, none! i demand it! here's the thing-- everybody knows this tweeting is a disaster, so why does he keep doing it? and why so often? his frequency of tee
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for him, has become cartoonish. here to explain, please welcome cartoon donald trump. thank you, sir. cartoon donald trump, everybody. lovely, you look lovely, sir. thank you for joining us, mr. cartoon president. >> i plead the fifth. >> stephen: this isn't a trial, and i haven't asked you anything yet. >> just practicing. that's what winners do. >> stephen: are you concerned about the news that russians may have hacked our election? >> no. hillary lost because she didn't campaign in the swing states: michigan, wisconsin, moscow. it's a red state. ( laughter ) come on, we know it is. >> stephen: i understand, i understand. so, you aren't nervous about james comey's upcoming testimony before congress? they say he took notes of every inappropriate thing you said to him. >> come on, no one has time to write down every inappropriate thing i say, not even me. here comes one n.
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to be. "rosie o'donnell is a muslim and a hoax. enjoy!" ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't think you understand. all these reckless tweets are hurting your own agenda. when you were abroad a couple of weeks ago, on tour of middle eastern europe, things went really well in part because you didn't tweet. >> i wanted to, but i couldn't charge my phone. they have weird ploifergz there. that's why i dropped out of the stupid paris thing. >> stephen: you can't stop tweeting. >> i can stop any time i want, stephen. "i can stop tweet anything time i want, stephen. >> stephen: see what i'm saying? >> all right, i'll stop, will power. >> stephen: let me ask you about the health care fight-- >> just a quickie. just a quickie. "fake news. lies all about the travel ban. we must dot, dot, dot.
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( laughter ) >> stephen: we must what? >> i don't know, midsentence is the only time i stop tweeting. enjoy! >> stephen: cartoon donald trump, everybody. we'll be right back with salma hayek pinault. stop that! stop that! perform with old eq. foul! (blows whistle) upgrade your game to intel's fastest processor. ♪
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me to listen carefully. i'm ralph northam,aught and when survivors of the virginia tech shooting asked me to support an assault weapons ban and close the gun show loophole, i took on the fight.
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as an army doctor during the gulf war. now, i'm listening carefully to donald trump, and i think he's a narcissistic maniac. whatever you call him, we're not letting him bring his hate into virginia. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, look at that. what are we celebrating? is there a party i don't know about? my first guest is an welcome back, everybody. academy award nominee whose new film is "beatriz at dinner." >> it's not easy to get your shot, huh? try heg
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that is hard. that requires patience. it can break something in two seconds. but it can take forever to fix it. >> stephen: please welcome, salma hayek pinault! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: nice have you on. >> i am so excited to be here. >> stephen: i've wanted to have you on any show i've been doing for a long time. we met once backstage at-- >> global citizen. >> stephen: global citizen last year, exactly >> and we had fun. we were rocking there. >> stephen: you seem like a very fun person. >> i am! >> stephen: and-- and you've proved it. >> yo
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>> stephen: is this on the red carpet at kahn. is this where you had the pink hair? >> yes. >> stephen: why no more pink hair? >> i can try it on next time. i have a wig. >> stephen: did it freak-- you have a dawrkt right? >> it freaked everyone out. especially my husband. my daughter was like cool, "can i wear it after you." my husband was like, "are you sure you want to do this? i think i embarrassed him a little bit. but then it worked out. everybody was-- he couldn't believe that i actually pulled it off. i do that all the time. i surprise him. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this year there were a lot of latino and hispanic artists at cannes. guillermo tortoro, guillermo luna, and you. was it nice to see people representing-- >> i was so-- i was so moved. we went to take a picture-- they
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told me family picture. i thought it was a picture of me and my husband, and all of a sudden i see 100 of the most amazing minds of cinema for so many different generations and different countries there. and i realized that out of these 100 people from all over the world, at least 10% were latinos. most of the 10% were mexicans, and they were my friends. and i felt such a sense of pride, and i was so moved that i went crazy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm sorry, you went crazy? >> i went crazy. and this is at 3:00 in the afternoon. and i said to my husband-- again, this is-- this is another one where he just goes "did i really hear what he just said--" we need to a bring a mariachi tonight. it's a big gala, very elegant. we can't walk in with a mariachi. oh, yes, we can, baby, i know how to do this. and bring the tequila and
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cannes, where do you find a mariachi band. >> where do you find a mariachi in cannes? you don't. you ply them in from paris. and hurry up because the dinner is very soon! >> stephen: pairks, of course. the home of the finest mariachi bands. >> actually, baby, we're everywhere. ( applause ) , some really good talent of mariachis in paris. >> stephen: you scare one up on the phone and then you fly them down. >> no plane is available. we had to go to marseilles, find a hotel, look in all the bars for all the remains of the tequila in every single bar of the place. it was a big production. and finally, my husband was like, "oh, my gosh. this is crazy!" and finally, i come in, i wait forward some of the boring people to go home-- they go home earlier. >> stephen: boring people go home? >> yes. and then the
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and it was amazing! everybody went crazy with a huge-- everybody was trying to be mexican, pretending to be mexican. they were pretending to be singing in-- know the songs they're singing in spanish. i saw one european, very famous person going out ♪ ay-yi-yi taco, lachada ♪ which i kika >> stephen: we have footage of this moment-- not that moment-- guillermo de toro. ♪ ♪ >> before they were all sitting wn
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very elegantly. and then it turned into a cantina. the 16th anniversary. >> stephen: how did the french take it? >> they loved it. they were so great. they were singing and dancing. >> stephen: your daughter, valentin awho is nine, does she take after you or take after your husband? your husband is a businessman, right? >> my husband is a businessman. she takes after a little bit of both. she goes to places -- right now she's into my husband's genes. she's quite an entrepreneur. >> stephen: is she running a business. >> she running a business with her slime -- >> stephen: with her what? >> slime. she makes slime in my kitchen. she's taken over the kitchen. >> stephen: like the stuff the kids play with? >> yes, she makes them and has all these different recipes and experiments. i mean, it's a big production. i have, like, a whole closet full of slime. i mean, we are swimming in slime in my house! ( laughter ). te
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it? is there a black market for slime i don't know about? >> well, i hope-- not because of you i'm going to jail for not paying taxes on the slime we're selling in the house. >> stephen: i'll get you a good lawyer. i'll get you a good lawyer. >> i banned her from selling it in the school which was a terrible thing, my husband, i tried to get him to be on my side and tell her not it, and he was like, "how much are you selling it for? and how much is the material? you're selling it for too little. you have to sell it for more." it was not a good idea. now you know what she's doing? she's getting anybody who comes in the house it's delivery person, they come to bring the grocery-- "do you want some slime?" and she's selling at any opportunity. today she called because, you know, my husband is going back, and she's like, "you have to to get me this glue from the states because it's better and this thing and this thing. can i please buy this materials?" and i'm like-- and he goes, "as long as you pay
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revenues." so they continue this horrific conversation you. >> stephen: have explained to her about lemonade stands, right? >> yeah, she did that when she was six. she's shooez growing it's business is growing. >> stephen: what did you give her? what does dshe get from mom? she got the business acumen from dad. what did you pass down to your child? >> she's incredibly talented. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) that's not what i meant. i was going to say, you know, despite the fact that she's incredibly talented, unfortunately, she inherited my stage fright. >> stephen: your stage right? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: how can-- i was >> i was terrified of all you before i came out. >> stephen: why do you have stage fright? you're a brilliant actress. why do you have stage fright gidon't know. that's like a shrink question. >> stephen: let's talk about your childhood, selma. we have to go in a minute. i want to ask you
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movie, "beatriz at dinner." this was done before donald trump was president. >> right. >> stephen: and are you playing a mexican american sort of physical therapist, like masseuse and healer? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: who comes to a very rich person's home. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: and the guy, if i'm not mistaken, say hotel magnate who hunts big game. >> he's a guest of the house i get stuck in this dinner. and they get stuck with me. and, yes, he-- he's that kind of a guy. >> stephen: is it based on donald trump? ( laughter ). >> it was originally based on the guy-- the dentist that killed cecil the lion. >> stephen: the dentist from minnesota or something, shot cecil the lion. >> and he did an incorporation of this type of person, my genius writer. but i think his sidekick or
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going by, it just keeps feeling really strange, this movie, how many things you see in the news, and it could have been at that dinner. and it's very relevant to the times. so it-- it's a lot like donald trump, but it was not made for him. it was made for me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: selma, thank you so much for being here. it was lovely to finally talk to you. "beatriz at dinner" is in theaters this friday. selma hayek, you know, everybody. we'll be back with "the daily show's" hasan minhaj.
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my next guest is a correspondent on "the daily show" and was the host of this year's. white house correspondents' dinner. please welcome hasan minhaj. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: please. >> oh, man. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: last time i saw you was-- ( cheers ) about a month ago at the met gala.
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over and asked us if we were smoking weed. somebody was smoking weed in the met museum. >> i think it was migos. >> stephen: probably. congratulations. you got can the daily, the white house correspondents' dinner, and the new show on nex flix. it's only june. are you pacing yourself? >> i stretched. >> stephen: at the beginning of the year. over christmas break. good for you. you can pull a hammy. >> i'm still waiting for somebody to be like, "you have to return all of it." i really feel like i'm being pranked. >> stephen: the white house correspondents' dinner. i've played that room. >> it's a weird room. >> stephen: it's a very strange room. what the people at home don't know, it's 3,000 people in there. >> and it looks like a spaceship. the hilton ballroom is weird. >> stephen: it's domed, like a hollowed out turtle shell, and it's round tables. and this year, when you did it, the president decided he was not going to c
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you had the president. >> stephen: yes. >> but with me, i was expecting him to, like, burst through the double doors, like a professional wrestler with, like, h.h.h. behind him, and so i was-- i was getting ready. i had, like, a card ready called "def-con orange" in case he hold up. i was waiting. like you never know. >> stephen: were there any jokes like-- because, i did it many, many, many years ago. and there were some jokes i cut on the fly. i was like, "they don't want to hear any more of these." were there any jokes you decide not to tell in the moment or just hold to? >> i did every joke i wanted to do. i was just shocked by how much people love "usa today." >> stephen: what do you mean? >> i did this "usa today" joke. warm up, throw some softballs. i love when a "usa today" slides underneath my door, it's like they're saying, "hey, you're not that stock market right?" and everyone was in room was like
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i thought i was on "world star." i did this huffington post joke at the end and this lady screamed. she was like, "hey!" i just called steve bannon a nazi but you draw the line at huffpo? >> stephen: was it ariana huffington. >> maybe. >> stephen: how long have you been a correspondent at "the daily show"? >> three years. >> stephen: everybody who has been a correspondent has a horror story, chased by nazis across field fields and fields . >> "the daily show" is one of the lowest rated shows in alabama. >> stephen: i have no idea. there's no explaining that. >> so we had this thing called "alabama week" where we sent the correspondents -- >> stephen: is that like "shark week" but with red necks? >> yeah, like guns, religion, jail! so i had to cover
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because, you know,... i'm the correspondent for that. ( laughter ) so i go down. i go down to this gun range, and for $7 you can get a conceal and carry permit. so, you know, for the cost of a chipotle burrito, you can get a gun. i have my thing, and i'm like, "hey, man, let me get a gun." and the guy leans in to me-- you've given me this piece of advice-- you have to stay in the moment and keep it rolling. he goes, "hey, man, you could be an isis." and i'm like you can't smile. stay in the moment. but i was kind of-- i wasn't offended. i was flattered. ( laughter ) that this guy thinks that isis, this global terror organization is, like, "you know what we need? we need, like, an indian boy band member." ( laughter ). >> stephen: the cute one. you've got the crazy one. you got bomber. and you got the cute one. >>
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zane said no, so we gotta-- >> stephen: well, you have a special on netflix now. it's called "homecoming king." lots of critical acclaim. ( applause ).
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going to say, they're going to think you people have magical spells. ( laughter ). >> you know what i love about-- you know what i love, though. you have had every single major muslim celebrity on this show. >> stephen: i have? >> yeah! awe have ansari, my boy mo amer, malala is an intern here. i don't know -- >> stephen: they have-- they have called this the mecca of television. >> yeah, it is, it is. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. "homecoming king" is available on netflix now. hasan minhaj, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by feist. it's go time. lights out. ok, not funny you guys. this is not how we play hide and seek.
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woman: so this happened. zoe brought over some lime-a-rita's to ava's rooftop and that's when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. that's elyse busting out her dance move from summer of '08. ♪ ) she insists it's her signature move, but we're all pretty good at it. yeah, looks like we're staying here tonight. lime-a-rita. make it a margarita moment.
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>> stephen: and now, here performing "century" from her new album, "pleasure," ladies and gentlemen, feist! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ i fought my feelings and got in the way
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♪ could've been easier like a decade of days ♪ projection young marriage lighting the stage ♪ i wanted feelings that got in my own way ♪ someone who will lead you to someone ♪ who will lead you to someone who will lead you to ♪ the one at the end of the century ♪ the air is clearer a decade away ♪ singing to a mountain
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♪ all lonely ♪ all lonely young marriage lighting the way ♪ she wanted feelings that got in her own way ♪ oooh, oooh oooh, oooh ♪ someone who will lead you to someone ♪ who will lead you to someone who will lead you to ♪ the one at the end of the century ♪ someone who will lead you to someone ♪ who will lead you to someone
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who will lead you to ♪ the one at the end of the century ♪ someone who will lead you to someone ♪ who will lead you to someone who will lead you to ♪ the one at the end of the century >> stephen: a century, how long is that? three billion, 155 million, 973,600 seconds. 876 million hours. or 36,500 days. almost as long as one of those endless dark nights of the soul.
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those nights that never end. when you believe you'll never see the sun rise again. when a single second feels like a century. ♪ a century a century ♪ ♪ ♪ a century a century ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: feist, everybody! we'll be right back. in my future, i'm twice as likely to have a stroke. i'm at higher risk for depression. i'm 26% more likely to develop an irregular heartbeat. i have a 65% higher chance of developing diabetes. no matter who we are, these diseases can be managed or prevented when caught early on. because with better research, the right medicine, and with doctors who help keep me healthy to begin with, we will thrive. ♪ the insurance companies and the credit card companies and the wall street banks - that's what tom perriello is about. i was proud to stand with president obama because progressive causes have been my life's work. i'm tom perriello, and i'm running for governor
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the burden of student debt and protect our climate. together we really can build a virginia that works for everyone.
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>> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be tilda swinton, andy cohen, and jordan klepper. now stick around for james corden from london. he's got nicole kidman, kit
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karaoke" with ed sheerhan. check it out! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> james: good evening everybody, and welcome to british summertime. we are here in the heart of london. now, as i'm sure you know, a few days ago-- last saturday night-- this city was attacked, and it happened about a mile or so that way, near london bridge. i am so saen


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