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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 30, 2017 11:35pm-12:36am EDT

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( laughter ) we don't sell fireworks anymore. that's all i'll say till after the inquest. but we've got all the furniture you need including: hey, buddy! what are you doing? don't smoke near that couch! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes michael keaton. and john mcenroe. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thanks, everybody! please, sit down, everybody! thank you so much. oh, please have a seat. wow. that's a friday crowd. you can't fake that. that's a friday crowd right there. that's the real deal! ( cheers and applause ) that's the real deal! but as u.s.d.a. prime friday beef. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. we've firmly established it's friday all right. i'm not going to see you next week-- happy fourth of july, ladies and gentlemen. greatest country on earth. this is our birthday coming up, the only holiday people are cool when you start setting stuff on fire. and as great as it is to celebrate america, once in a while, i like to take a moment to remember there are countries that are not us. and they are not so hot on our
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in a poll released this week by... pew, pew, pew! trump's approval rating worldwide was 22%. mr. president, congratulations. you've united the planet. ( laughter ) ♪ people all over the world join in tiny hands ♪ join in join the trump train, trump train ♪ thank you very much for jumping in there, thank you very much. unrehearsed. it's not just europe, ladies and gentlemen. trump is unpopular in six continents. yes, the only place they like him is antarctica. yes, that's nice. i'll tell you what, though, i'll tell you what, though. >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: do not tell those penguins about pulling out of the paris accords. and trump's approval ratings are down in most of our closest allies, especially the germans, with 87%
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confidence in trump. okay, hold on, germany. you're not known for picking great leaders. people in glass houses shouldn't throw hitlers. but there is one country where america's reputation is on the rise. wait for it: "russia, where confidence in the u.s. president surged to 53% from 11%." it explains trump's new campaign slogan: "trump 2020. i can't read it. it's in russian." now, if there's one thing we know about donald trump, the president of the united states, he loves seeing his name on buildings. but there's about to be one less trump tower, because the trump international hotel in toronto is removing the trump name. ( cheers and applause ) usually, to get all signs of trump out of your hotel, you need some lysol and a new mattress.
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( laughter ) or just flip it. >> jon: whoa! whoa! whoa! >> stephen: here's the deal. this trump tower, trump didn't build the property and trump doesn't own it. the trump organization just manages it and licensed his name. and since the president took office, the toronto trump hotel "has been a site for protests against trump's comments disparaging women, mexicans and muslims." wow, i did not know canada had protests. i figured that if they were angry about something, they just sent a strongly worded apology. now, that's not the only trump company in trouble. because there's a major controversy surrounding ivanka trump's clothing line. three activists recently went undercover and these three people discovered that workers making ivanka's shoes faced "overtime that stretched past midnight, and crude verbal abuse." in other words, the same conditions faced by the white house press pool.
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now, the undercover activists -- huge, huge fans of verbal abe here tonight. thank you. the undercover activists also witnessed a worker getting injured after "an angry manager had hit him with the sharp end of a high-heeled shoe." so, it's not so much a "(bleep) pump" as it is a "(bleep) pump." the founder of the activist group described the factory as "among the worst he has seen in nearly two decades investigating labor abuses." all this bad p.r. is the sort of thing that could bankrupt ivanka's businesses. so, like father, like daughter. speaking of controversy. ( cheers and applause ) daddy's little girl. daddy's little girl! speaking of controversy, there's a new one brewing over at the environmental protection agency, all centered around head of the e.p.a. and ventriloquist who is
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back in march, the e.p.a. reversed a ban on a controversial pesticide called chlorpyrifos, which is surprising because the e.p.a.'s own scientists found "ingesting even minuscule amounts can interfere with brain development." in other words, it's the chemical equivalent of "fox & friends." ( laughter ) so why-- the question is. ( cheers and applause ) a great show, well produced. well-produced show. i'm a fan. so why did pruitt overturn the ban? we don't really know. but we just learned that right before he made the decision, he met privately with the c.e.o. of dow chemical, who makes the pesticide, for a half hour at a houston hotel. and that looks really bad. because there is no convincing way to explain spending time in houston. ( laughter ) because of the humidity. they're lovely
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before this came out, dow had been lobbying the trump administration to, "set aside" the findings of federal scientists. and the administration has done them one better by setting aside science. luckily, we've still got science fiction. anyone here a fan of "star wars"? "star wars" fans? a lot of single people in the audience tonight. thank you. tonight, you'll be excited to hear that an r2-d2 unit from "star wars" sold at auction for $2.75 million. that's a lot of money, considering the jawas originally threw r2-d2 in for free as a package deal with a translator droid. ( laughter ) okay? i think-- go watch the movie. it's a much funnier joke once you watch the movie. okay, bad motivator. i think the buyer may have gotten taken for a ride, because "this r2-d2 won't interact with b
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mechanics or workings are present." so it won't even do any of the fun beeps. for $2.75 million, you'd think they'd at least install a smoke detector with a low battery in there. and without any internal mechanics, you don't even get his spinny robot penis that has sex with computers and the death star. speaking of tiny penises, you guys remember the pharma bro, and the reason your slapping hand is itchy, martin shkreli? he's the guy who bought the rights to a lifesaving h.i.v. drug called daraprim, then immediately hiked the price from $13.50 a tablet to $750 overnight. ( booing ) now, now-- come on. now, that sounds like pure evil. ( laughter ) when he testified under subpoena
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to congress about drug prices, shkreli didn't exactly help his image. >> you could use that attention to come clean, to right your wrongs and to become one of the most effective patient advocates in the country. to press them to lower the price of these drugs. you can look away if you like, but i wish you could see the faces of people. no matter what ms. redlaff says who cannot get the drugs that they need. and i truly believe, i truly believe-- are you listening? >> yes. >> stephen: mr. chairman, the gentleman from south carolina would like to introduce a resolution that i get to jack-slap mr. shkreli until he is de-doucheified." ( cheers and applause )
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here's the deal. skhreli is on trial, and this week, right down here in brooklyn, they began jury selection for skhreli's trial on securities fraud. but there's a big problem. martin shkreli can't find jurors who don't already hate him. potential jurors who don't know him even said stuff like, "i looked right at him, and in my head, i said 'that's a snake.'" ( applause ) this is true. this is absolutely true. even the courtroom sketch artist couldn't resist making shkreli look like gollum is on trial for like pooping in a mall fountain. evidently, people cannot stand his face. maybe he should cover it with something that makes him look more innocent. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. stick around. why not? look at that! ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! say hi to jon basteeft and stay human right over there. i gotea tell you, i don't need the fourth of july. these guys give us fireworks every night. >> jon: you gotta burn it down. >> stephen: there should be "no smoking" sign over there because you guys are smoke every night. jon, do you have any heroes? >> jon: oh, yeah i have plenty of heroes, musical heroes, people doing selfless work for not enough pay and
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applauded for it. >> stephen: sacrifice, people who do more than they're asked. >> jon: you might not know their names. >> stephen: i have the same kind of heroes. i'll tell you who my viewers are, the loyal viewers of this show. you, you're my hero. you're my everything. because night in, night out, you stay up late, or watch me on your computer the next day. i don't care. ( laughter ) you watch me do comedy and interview my guests over here, talk to jon. then, what you do is you write down my sponsors so you remember to buy their products in the morning. ( laughter ) it's an honor system, obviously, it's an honor system. if you don't watch the commercials, technically you're stealing. but here's the deal. i know you never miss a show, but we do 200 of these a year. you want to watch all of them, but even the most loyal, stalwart viewers might get sick
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tonight, i'm going to present for the very first time, proudly, the very best moments of this week's shows. enjoy. >> that simply is not factual if you have more than $ite00 billion in cuts. >> we don't see them in cuts. it's slowing the rate of growth in the future and getting medicaid back to where it was. obamacare expanded the pool of medicaid recipients beyond its original intentions. >> stephen: yes, they're not cuts. it's just returning medicaid to its original intention. it's like an arsonist saying, "i didn't burn the house down. i just took the ground back to prehouse levels." ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay, this is... see how that's better? yesterday, senate majority leader and man trying to keep a bird from escaping his mouth, mitch mcconnell, announced that voting on the bill would be delayed until after the fourth of july. it's a smart move. you don't want to strip people of health care until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives. ( la
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it done. and if we don't get it done, it's just going to be something that we're not going to like and that's okay, and i understand that very well. >> stephen: okay. okay. ( laughter ) we should have seen that coming. after all, it was always on his hat: ( cheers and applause ) very tall hat. trump has a "time" magazine hanging on the walls of many of his golf clubs with the headline, "donald trump, the 'apprentice' is a television smash. but it turns out, it's a fake. come on, mr. president. you can do beneficiary that. if you're going to mak fake a magazine cover, put yourself on the cover of "o." i want to hear your russian accent. >> we're done with accents. >> stephen: okay. >> ( in russian accent ) we are done if you wish to be done. >> that was very
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okay. >> you did that very well. >> stephen: you come to moscow with me. >> okay, let's go. >> stephen: i'm not going back. ( laughter ) spicer banned cameras from last week's briefings, and then banned them again today. evidently, while i was in russia, we turned into russia. i don't know how long this is going to go on, but with cameras banned from the briefing, cnn sent a courtroom sketch artist to cover spicer's briefings. yeah, yeah. something tells me it won't be the last member of the trump administration we see in a courtroom sketch. ( cheers and applause ) also--
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first of all, someone bleeding badly at your door and you say no? it sounds like your health care plan. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: a super conductor detests magnetic fields. and this is a circular magnet. give this a little spin. a little gentle spin. >>ph steisen: t tha how fidget spinners were invented? mr. trump, we know you think "the washington post" is fake news. you don't have to keep telling us. i mean, obama didn't wake up every morning and tweet. ( cheers and applause ) we will be right back with never-before-seen extr b
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footage from my interview with michael keaton. stick around. it's exclusive! t drives, nobody does it better. he's also into oil painting. looking good. but when it comes to mortgages, he's less confident. fortunately for rickie, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. it's simple, so he can understand the details and be sure he's getting the right mortgage. apply simply. understand fully. mortgage confidently.
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, to our program. ladies and gentlemen, my first guest has played batman and birdman. he now stars in the new "spiderman." please welcome the man, michael keaton. ( cheers and applause ) >> i met this kid years ago. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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>> i met this guy. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you met jon? >> i did. remember, with winton marsalis, and i think christian mcbride was there, the duke ellington thing. >> like, three years ago, something like that. >> jon: about two years ago. >> there was this thing at lincoln center, and i was asked to host the thing or emcee this thing. man, there were, like, kids that were, like, ten years old. crazy! just playing stuff that was unbelievable. and i saw him, and i went, "are you kidding me?" when i saw he was your band leader-- >> stephen: he is very mature for a 12-year-old. >> jon: i've got to get the facial hair together. >> there was a trombone player kid.
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>> then joey was there playing. nice. >> we're just going to talk. >> stephen: okay, fine. he goes, "trombone." he goes "oh, yeah, yeah, that guy." that's a really good trombone player that can make sounds with that. >> that is kind of amazing. >> stephen: isn't that pretty? >> looks like jerry garcia's t-shirt. >> stephen: yeah, that's-- that's our pride dome today. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: now-- >> it's nice to meet you. we've never met. >> stephen: yeah, well, i mean, you're a big, famous movie star, live in los angeles. >> i'm too big, in other words. >> stephen: well, you're very busy, and i'm very busy. we could have met at one of those big famous things, those famous events. i don't go to those. do you go to those? i always imagine they are like fun things that famous people are doing. >> i think we're definitely missing out. >> stephen: oh, really? >> oh, yeah.
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>> and we're, like, home. we're just-- home. >> stephen: as long as you keep working, because i've been a fan of yours since "night shift," as i was saying backstage. if you haven't seen it, worth going back and seeing it. the "batman" movies, "clean and sober," "birdman," "spotlight." the range of work is amazing. >> thanks. >> stephen: so, when you say "michael keaton," everybody knows michael keaton. but i found out you are not michael keaton. >> correct. >> stephen: i did not know that, that is just a stage name. >> correct. >> stephen: you actually have another name, your real name you actually use. rsh tell the people what it is. >> my real make is doug- ( laughter ) so easy. yeah. i got a gig and was just starting out and because in the union, there was mike douglas douglas, michael douglas. immediately gets a laugh. -- used to have a talk show, and michael douglas, the movie star,
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actor. and somebody said, "well, you know, you have to change your name." i said, "i don't really want to change my name. i'm very proud of my name." by the way, i'm easing my name back into-- i'm trying to kind of ease it back in, because i'm proud of my name. so they said, "well, you know, you have to change your name." i said, "why?" "because there are two other guys in the union." so i changed my name. now, what is great is i used my real name, michael john douglas, for everything except, you know, on a marquee or a gig, right. so people get very confused because there will be-- you will be going somewhere, and there will be a driver with a sign saying "michael douglas," and then i show up. ( laughter ) and they look so confused because-- >> stephen: they're expecting to see-- >> yeah. it would be one thing if you go, "oh, well. he's obviously not michael douglas who, you know, everyone knows michael douglas, just like a normal guy. then they go, "yeah, but wait a
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minute. i know"-- >> stephen: they think they're having a stroke. >> right. >> stephen: they don't know what is going on. >> exactly. >> stephen: why keaton? >> wait a minute. so, what i will do, i will go-- it used to be-- i have to explain this. now i don't even bother. i just kind of enjoy watching them just kind of go, "wait. what's going on? who is he?" i don't know. i was in the ks in the alphabet in the union, i thought-- >> stephen: it wasn't like buster keaton or diane keaton. >> however, i'm not just saying-- a huge fan of both. truly, it had nothing to do with that. i was in the ks in the alphabet. it is close enough. "how about this? phew! one of those moments. at the time the brilliant how about this?" michael jackson, was certainly
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michael jackson was certainly not down, but remember that period where he was, like, the jackson's, like, crazy, insanely great. then there was a quiet spot, until he blew up. >> stephen: yeah, between jacksons and "off the wall." >> yes, somewhere right in there. >> stephen: i'm a fan. >> me, too. so, i thought, you know, my middle name is john-- you and i are from large families. >> stephen: large catholic. >> large irish catholic families, a lot of nicknames. my middle name is john. they used to call me john, johnny, jackson. i thought, you know, i will put michael jackson down. >> stephen: can you imagine? >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah, can you imagine if the driver is holding a sign that said "michael jackson," and you showed up? ( applause ) that would be really confusing. >> yeah. (applause) >> stephen: okay, big irish catholic family. >> yeah. >> stephen: you were an altar boy. >> i know, i have watched the show. it was really kind of great being an altar boy.
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being an altar boy. it was nerve-racking, as well. >> yeah. >> i'm still friends with a lot of guys who are altar boys? are you? >> i have nothing against them. i have nothing against them. >> stephen: did you ever serve a perfect mass? >> no. >> stephen: for me, it was like could i get the cruet and the towel-- >> exactly. >> stephen: and the water to the priest without him-- it makes you a good waiter, too. >> yeah, well, well, maybe then i wasn't a good altar boy because i was a horrible bus boy. i was a terrible bus boy. i lasted as a bus boy for, about, like, 11 hours. the guy called me and said, "you don't have to come back tomorrow." and i go, "what did should i come back?" and he said, "you didn't hear me. you don't have to ever-- you don't have to ever come back." >> stephen: wow, you were a weak link. >> let's talk about-- yes. let's talk about it. it was great being an altar boy. but it w
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well. >> stephen: and you got to hold the paten, was the thing-- back then, there were patens. they don't use them any more. >> do you remember any latin any more? >> stephen: (speaking latin) which is the first thing the priest says when he comes out. did i get it right? >> i have no idea. i don't remember any of this. great. >> >> stephen: thank you. if you didn't know that one, i was going to say you're not michael keaton, you're michael doing las. >> you're a protestant! >> stephen: exactly. it was very dramatic. it was fun to be-- i'll tell you something i was not good at-- i was a very good baseball player. i loved being on baseball teams. i loved all that stuff. i was a horrible cub scout. >> stephen: oh,. >> yeah. >> stephen: me, too. i was a cub scout for one day. ( laughter ). >> seriously. >> stephen: seriously. why didn't you like it? >> you tell me. there was something odd-- i'll tell you what, i was counting on you know you get--
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the handbook, and your expectations are high. first of all, there's bears and creatures on it. >> stephen: sure. where are you growing up in this snow showerio? >> >> pittsburgh. >> stephen: all those bears in pittsburgh. >> but that's exciting. first of all, dyou have-- it's hard for me to say this-- did you have a den mother? ( laughter ). >> stephen: i don't remember. it literally was just one day. i had some friends who were in it, and we marched in a straight line through woods i already knew. >> you were out. >> stephen: i said -- if i had known the word i would have said (bleep) this. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> well, we should-- because this is-- i'm right there with you, except i hung in there. >> stephen: what? >> well, i hung in for about eight days. ( laughter ) i'll tell you why. i thought, well, first of all,-- here's what happens.
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a den mother, which already "den mother." it sounds like a bad like head banger band from the 80s. ladies and gentlemen, den mother! >> stephen: that would have been frightening. >> i know. so she was kind of frightening. >> and thought-- and it was also too organized for me. honestly, i'll be honest with you. i'll tell you what i thought-- somewhere there's a knife in this for me. that's what i really-- i really thought -- >> stephen: that's the cub scout, boy scout gift, "get him a knife." >> oh, you think. you go, "i'll hang around long enough to get the knife and i'm gone. i'm gone." >> stephen: i had a friend, bill clark, he joined the cub scouts every year, never advanced, because all he would do is collect money for the jamboree and quit and keep it. ( laughter ) that's perfect! >> my hand -- >> stephen: you genius! >> i never got-- it's the easiest thing in the world to progress-- forget weed
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eagle scout. i knew that was never going to happen. i never got one thing, not one, not one. i never moved from here to here. i got a navy blue shirt with a patch on it. >> stephen: do you still have it, fit in it? >> i'll get it backstage. >> stephen: we have to take a little break. hope you can stick around. we'll be back with more michael keaton, everybody. woman: so this happened. nikki picked up some lime-a-rita's and that's when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. we started hanging a disco ball but then the ball reminded ava of her sequined dress. now we have two disco balls. lime-a-rita. make it a margarita moment.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, we're back with our friend michael keaton. ( cheers and applause ) now, michael, let me ask you this. >> yeah. >> stephen: you've been batman, you've been birdman. >> i am batman. no, i know. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i think so. the torch has been passed. >> it's a common mistake, but go ahead.
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"spider-man." >> i am. >> stephen: we have a clip here. can you tell me what is happening in this clip? >> i haven't seen this clip. but-- >> stephen: okay. who do you play in the "spider-man"? >> what do you mean? >> stephen: which character do you play in the "spider-man" movie? >> spider-man. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? >> yeah, i'm spider-man-- yeah, i'm spider-man. watch the clip. why, what did you think i was? >> stephen: what? >> what did you-- >> stephen: what did i think you were? i thought you were beetlejuice in this. >> no, no, no. >> let's find out together. let's finds out together. jim?
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i believe you now. i can't tell who's talking. >> i'm pretty sure i'm spider-man. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, you're fantastic. i'm hearing great things. i'm hearing really great things. >> it is good. actually, very good. >> stephen: so, you've been, you know-- again, it was, like, 30 years ago i saw you in "night shift." have you lived in l.a. the entire time? >> i was living here for a while. i used to work doing some plays in pittsburgh and i would come up here and add
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and i was getting ready to move and moved to l.a., but i was living out there when i did "night shift," yeah. >> stephen: okay, so, you know we were talking about doing the famous stuff that you don't do, and i don't have time to do. >> you're too big for it. i just don't get invited. ( laughter ) >> now, they keep inviting michael keaton >> stephen: well, your words, not mine. and it's, "who's that?" what do you do? how do you get away from, like, from the world and relax? >> i don't know. i just live. i just live. i live in l.a., and i live in montana. >> stephen: what do you do in montana? >> it's gorgeous. i just came in from there. >> stephen: do you fly fish? >> i do. >> stephen: that is fantastic. >> for about 35 years, i fished. i fish down on the grass flats of south carolina. ever fish there? >> stephen: my entire life. >> did you really? >> stephen: yeah, we called it red fish, spot tail, channel back. red drums, beautiful. i'm going down to go fishing there next week, actually. >> awesome. >> stephen: did you ever fish the black foot river? is that what it is? >> yeah, yea a
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gorgeous. >> have you been out there? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> come out and fish sometime. >> stephen: i accept on camera ( applause ) >> i know, i know. >> stephen: so nice to meet you, michael john. "spider-man: home coming" is in theaters july 7. it's spider-man! ( cheers and applause ) t- more than just surfing and shopping. because sure, we want to use this to call the people we love- - like our directors. but mostly, to get the entertainment we love. maaaaark ! ! ! switch to at&t for the only unlimited plan that gives you 60 channels of live television on any screen all for $70 a month. nit's softer than ever. new charmin ultra soft is softer than ever so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird
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?oel ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat because my next guest is one of the greatest tennis players of all time, and certainly one of the most opinionated. please welcome john mcenroe. ( cheers and applause ) hello! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: there you go. thanks for joining us tonight. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: now, for the uninitiated out there, you are a seven-time grand slam champion. nine-time grand slam men's doubles titles. one grand slam mixed
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former world number one tennis player. ( cheers and applause ) now, are you known for your outbursts on the court. people think of you as a bit of an outrageous character at times. but you have stirred the pot in a way. ( laughter ) that you rarely have in the past because this weekend you topped yourself. you topped yourself, sir. you told noorp if serena williams won the men's circuit, she'd be, like, number 700 in the world ( booing ). >> it didn't go over big with my daughters, either, okay. >> stephen: you cannot be serious. >> you know-- you know-- thank you. ( applause ) you remember "the honeymooners," ralph cramden? "me and my big mouth!" it was a little bit like that. >> stephen: what was the question that led you to that answer?
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>> well, we were talking about -- to someone on npr radio, and she said something to the effect-- she was asking about serena. i said, "serena williams is the greatest female tennis player that ever lived. and i think she's absolutely tremendous." ( cheers and applause ) and she said, she-- she followed up with, "why do you have to say 'female' tennis player? isn't she the greatest tennis player that ever lived?" and i just said, "wait, hang on a second here. if we're going to talk about that, then you get into a little different category. you know, do they say that about girls' basketball players, that they're as good as michael jordan, for example? >> stephen: they might say "women's" basketball players, instead of girls. ( laughter ) sure. i'm still on air tomorrow. you get to leave. all right? ( laughter ) >> people always ask me, "can you beat serena williams?" what was this, "oooh." what is this? my girls don't think i can beat her now. i thought i could beat her. she's pregnant, so maybe i shouldla
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( laughter ) i'd have a better-- a better chance. >> stephen: might be-- >> but either, way i wish her the absolute best. she's the best thing that's happened to american tennis in the last 10, 15 years. >> stephen: yes, you said-- after wimbledon, you actually said-- after wimbledon in 2015-- you said, "serena is arguably the greatest athlete of the last 100 years." >> she's certainly one of the greatest athletes of the last 100 years-- >> stephen: i was giving you the out. that was the exit door. ( laughter ) that was the life boat i was throwing you. why did you have to stab it with a knife? there are sharks in the water around you right now! ( laughter ) >> that's-- that's why you're kicking ass, and my show lasted on cnbc for six months, 12 years ago. >> stephen: that's right. you hosted-- not only did you host that, but i found out-- i forgot this-- but when dave was host of "the late show," he got sick, and you hosted one night? how many nights? >> just one. one was apparently enough. >> stephen: you
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just for those of you who want a taste, there you are hosting "the late show." there you go. >> thank you. >> stephen: my brother. it's a fraternity. very few people get to sit behind these desks. how did it go? >> well, it didn't go quite as well as i would have hoped. the monologue didn't go over too well, and, subsequently, we had had a guest, french chef, eric ripert. i don't know if anyone's heard of him. he's one of the greatest chefs in the world. >> stephen: yes. >> i made some type of comment that the french hadn't backed us up after 9/11 very well-- >> stephen: wait a second. were you guys talking about sauteing scallops and go, "by the way, why wouldn't you let us use your airbases to bomb?" >> he didn't like that i made that comment, which i guess is fair enough-- >> stephen: you accused the french of being pro-terrorism? we were having fun, doing a cooking segment.
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>> you were having fun and you brought up 9/11. >> you have a way of mixing this, politics and comedy. >> stephen: okay, you don't need to continue with the compliments >> i did not say that. >> 10 years later there was a show on tv-- it was the same noorp interviewer that screwed me up with serena. and they says, eric ripert, name one person that you would-- if there was one person you wouldn't serve in your restaurant, who would that be? if you had to pick one person in the entire world. and he said me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you have a new book. it's called "but seriously." >> "but seriously." >> stephen: "but seriously." tell me about it. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nothing. i got nothing. i really-- i really enjoyed it. >> just read the dam
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>> stephen: you had an earlier book called "you cannot be serious." and now "but seriously." what are we learning here that we didn't learn the last time? >> we're learning that hopefully i'm growing as a person, that i've been able to somewhat-- although you wouldn't know it by yesterday. ( laughter ) that i have tried to re-invent-- i don't know if re-invent-- but tried to look at the glass half-full, despite being ridiculed mercilessly on national tv at 12:00 at night. >> stephen: since you have this reputation of the guy with the quick temper, do you ever disappoint people by being even tempered and not, like, lashing out? >> apparently, i've recently taken up golf a little bit -- >> stephen: "apparently," meaning this is a rumor you just heard about? ( laughter ) you have to practice more. what do you mean, "apparently?" >> i don't want to admit to it because i may quit soon because it's so frustrating-- ( laughter ) but 9 truth is that-- ( laughter ) what a great crowd.
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( applause ) >> stephen: uh-huh... >> basically, they want me-- they go, "look, don't yell at me," the caddy will say before i tee off. and they're upset if i don't get upset. so i'm trying to use reverse psychology. it's a mellower, more mature mcenroe. >> stephen: yeah. >> maybe i should go back to the old guy. >> stephen: i like this guy. i like this guy, too. >> thank you, i appreciate that. ( applause ) >> stephen: thanks for being here, man. thanks for being here. thank you for-- get behind here for a second. i want you to say good-bye. i'll let you get behind the desk and say good-bye. say good-bye. he's going to host again. he's going to host again. "the late show" host again. ( applause ) that right there. hold up the damn book and read that. >> "but seriously" is on sale now, me, everybody, john mcenroe.
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late show. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it will be all right ♪ it's the "late, late show" >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from oberlinseedin, germany, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden!


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