tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 6, 2017 11:35pm-12:31am EDT
kathy bates. and a performance by nathan mcintosh. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: please sit down be everybody. very kind. sit down! >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. you can't keep a friday crowd down. it's not possible. ( cheers and applause ) it's physically not possible! i am with all of you on that.
i am looking forward to the weekend. t you know who never rests? special counsel and sassy sam waterston, robert mueller. mueller is the former f.b.i. director in charge of investigating russian interference in our 2016 election, and we learned this week that he is now probing the trump-russia dossier. okay, what is in this dossier? well, it includes a wealth of information on a series of-- it's the pee-pee tape! it talks about the pee-pee tape! ( applause ) alleged. it's the infamous report compiled by former british intelligence officer and a man whose porn name is his name, christopher steele. christopher steele to perform? oh, it was a performance? wow, the russian ballet really is different. what new yorker would fly 2,000 miles to watch someone pee? it's free on the l train!
"i have some sandwiches." okay, now, part of the reason mueller might be investigating the dossier is that the senate intelligence committee said yesterday that they've been unable to secure an interview with steele and say that they've hit a wall on the issue. of course, housekeeping hates it when you hit the wall. in response-- you'll catch up. yesterday-- no, stop right there. yesterday, trump tweeted, "i totally did it. i love the pee-pee. enjoy! #maga!" and i'm being told they totally made that up, because here's what he really tweeted: "why isn't the senate intel committee looking into the fake news networks in our country to see why so much of our news is just made up, fake!" laugh "and while they're at it, how come yev
donald trump loves the ladies. it's been well documented in gossip magazines and court depositions. well, on tuesday-- based on a true story. on tuesday, brooke shields appeared on andy cohen's "watch andy cohen happen live" and told this story about donald trump asking her out in the 1090s. >> he called me right after he'd gotten a divorce, and he said, "i really think we should date because you're america's sweetheart and i'm america's richest man, and the people would love it." >> stephen: really? that was his pickup line? no wonder he prefers women who speak english as a second language. ( laughter ) "i'll tell you what. no, look, look. i'll tell you what. i got an outy. you got an innie. we should totally do it and make america watch."
shields turned trump down, because... ( cheers and applause ) but brooke shields wasn't the only celebrity trump tried to ask out. "candice bergen and emma thompson also recounted the president's pursuits back in the 1990s." in fact, we have discovered a treasure trove of pickup lines trump used on other celebrities after his divorce in 1999. here we go: "meg ryan, you're a big-time movie lady, and i was in 'home alone 2.' we should star in 'when hairplugs met sally.'" ( laughter ) "salt, pepa, other one. ( laughter ) how'd you like to add a little marmalade to the mix?" "hey, alicia silverstone, i loved you in 'clueless.' i'm pretty clueless myself. jump on it." just jump on it."
"cindy crawford, how'd you like to live on the toplo wow differs to it all. speaking of granola... is what i'm doing right now. the food and drug administration just told a massachusetts bakery that they cannot list "love" as an ingredient in their granola. yes, they have to call it by its scientific name: rat poop. ( laughter ) allegedly. the company defended listing love on their packaging, explaining "the ingredient was a nod to the passion bakers put into their product." ah, yes, the passions that run high in the granola factory. who among us hasn't stolen a kiss or two behind the industrial oat thresher? but the f.d.a. disagrees, saying "a human emotion cannot be an ingredient in baked goods."
yes, they're technically right. ( laughter ) i'll be honest. i love them. i love them i'll be honest. i don't want to know what's in granola, period. that's the deal we have with granola. if we all keep pretending it's healthy, we get to eat chocolate chips for breakfast. ( laughter ) the only ingredient that should be listed on a salted caramel, dark chocolate, honey walnut granola bar should be denial. ( laughter ) but here's the thing. ( cheers and applause ) i could go for some. i could go for some denial right about now. but here's the thing: if this granola really does contain love, then the f.d.a. has got to warn people, because nothing has done more damage to me than love-- not fat, not salt. alcohol's come close! ( laughter )
be there. so, i say, let customers know exactly what emotions they're biting into. like totino's pizza rolls does: "now with 60% more self-hatred." that's after you eat it. nowsome-- i could go for some self-hatred right now. i could go for a hot tray of self-hatred. there's some disappointing news from the art world. paris' louvre museum-- i trust i'm pronouncing that correctly. is withdrawing a large installation for being too sexually explicit. now, let me set this up. it's a building, and it's intended to look like a couple copulating. i'm skeptical frankly. how can a building really look like a-- ohhhhkay, i see it. there it is. >> jon: whoa! whoa! >> stephen: it could be-- it could just be a guy
stay! down, down, down! down, down, down, down, down!" ( applause ) the museum decided to pull the installation after online criticism, and in addition, there were concerns about the 40-foot statue being situated near a children's playground. ( laughter ) i think you understand that. imagine having to explain that to a child: "well, sweetie, when a woodshed loves a mini storage unit very much, sometimes they engage in a special hug, resulting in a two-bedroom condominium." meanwhile, back here stateside, people say there are no more heroes. but i'm happy to say, those people are wrong, because yesterday, police in wyoming arrested a drunk man who claims he traveled from the year 2049 to warn of an alien invasion. now, i know this sounds implbl
if you went back even five years in the past, you'd sound like a crazy pers president, taco bell has a taco where the shell is a fried egg, and iphones don't have headphone jacks anymore." and he wasn't happy about being detained. he immediately "demanded to speak to the president of the town." "i need to speak to the president of the town, the mayor of the country, and the emperor of ice cream." and it turns out that time travel is trickier than you think, because the man claims "he meant to travel to 2018." look, buddy, we're all just trying to get to 2018. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: that's what i'm saying? >> everybody's trying to get there. you know what i'm saying? they're trying to make one day at a time we've got a great show for you tonight. kathy bates is here. but first, i tell you about d.n.a. test results. and what they might
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his. and homegoods is what makes it all possible. amazing finds. always great prices. make home yours. ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back. jon batiste and stay human, everybody. give it up for the band right there. >> jon: hey! >> stephen: oh, happy friday, jon. >> jon: happy friday. >> stephen: jon, do you get to go to church as often you you would like? >> jon: yes, i do. >> stephen: you do. not what i expected. guto church as often as you like. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: nothing comes between you and the lord. >> jon: no, no, no. >> stephen: you're a better man than i
>> stephen : i sl thewe do confessions hern the show. some fresh ones in there, some from the show, some from people out there, you sent in. and i have been informed by the church that you do this, and you don't have to go to church on sunday. >> jon: oh, wow, wow! look at that. >> stephen: you have to read the book. you have to bate book. they said specifically you can't even get it from a library. >> jon: you have to buy it. >> stephen: wow, you get to church as often as you like. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i should be more like you, jon. >> jon: oh, man, you got it, you got it. >> stephen: thanks, jon. you know, sometimes i feel like i have comedy in my genes-- along with brown eyes, soft teeth, and weak joints. i'm irish. we have no collagen. it's never been easier to find out exactly what's in our genes, because consumer genetic tests are now a huge business.
the industry was worth expected to be worth $340 million in 2022. that's a percentage increase of... i don't have math genes. i don't know how big that is. you've probably seen ads for these tests everywhere. there's ancestry.com, 23andme. they've got genetic testing for dogs. there's even a company that analyzes your d.n.a. and matches you with wines selected for your unique palate. mmm. mmm. mmm. oh, yes, i'm getting notes of almond, black current and, yes, total (bleep). ( laughter ) ( applause ) another site called genepartner.com helps with dating by determining your level of genetic compatibility with potential partners. not to be confused with genepartner.net, which just
partners you with some guy named gene. i think he founded the company. he's lonely. now, i know what you're thinking. you're thinking: "these are great, but they don't convey my deep, abiding disappointment in my children." don't worry, you're covered. >> when our children play, we are their biggest fans. when they fail, we are the first to be there for them. order your d.n.a. test on soccergenomics.com. and with a saliva sample, a genetic analysis will be performed to generate a personalized report that will help improve player development. discover your genetic blueprint. let soccer genomics guide you. >> stephen: "dad, billy, why don't you sit down. i got your tests back, and billy i'm sorry, but you're not brazilian." nothing that can be done. dad, you want to start
( laughter ) ( applause ) organ farm. organ farm. why but there is one group that loves d.n.a. testing, and that's racists! apparently, white nationalists are flocking to genetic tests, but some don't like what they find, because often the tests reveal african ancestry. ( cheers and applause ) oh! oh, no. >> jon: like that's a bad thing. that's one of the most -- >> stephen: you've got to be tough, man. you feel for these guys. you almost feel bad for them. then you remember that they're horrible people, and you just laugh and laugh. here they are laughing right now. uuuugh! but i get it. i get it, guys. you pay all this money for a genetic test, and then it upends your whole world view, but that's not what you wanted at all.
>> how many ed t genetically superior, but one of those genetic testing services tells you you've got traces of non-white ancestry. that's why there's supreme genetics, the only d.n.a. testing service that tells white supremacists exactly what they want to hear. want us to say you're a pure-blood descendant of thomas jefferson or napoleon, or wario, the evil mario. sure, whatever you want. >> i want to know i'm descended exclusively from white men. no women! >> then supreme genetics is the d.n.a. testing service for you. just swab your teeth with a q-tip, put it in an envelope and throw it away. we certainly don't need it. six weeks later we send you a report saying you're robert e. lee's cousin or something. >> my report is one straight line back to white jesus. >> it told me i'm 100% norwegian. i keep my report in the glove box, i
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, my first award-winning actress who terrified us in "misery," inspired us in "titanic," and now sells us weed in the netflix show "disjointed." please welcome the great kathy bates. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) come on up here! ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: please. >> thank you. hey, darlin'. >> stephen: hi, how are you, darlin'. >> good. >> stephen: that's funny you said "darlin'" because i found out you were from memphis. i didn't i know you were a southern girl. >> yes. >> stephen: in "primary colors" i don't hear the southern accent. >>y try not to. >> stephen: when did you lose it? >> probably when i got to new york and got tired of cab drivers making fun of me and asking me about elvis presley. >> stephen: memphis, honest to god elvis presley. >> definitely, definitely. >> stephen: how did you lose it? did you train to get rid of it or you just said, "i'm not going to have one." >> i just said, "i'm not going to have one anymore." ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow,. >> i just didn't-- yeah, no more. >> stephen: >> stephen: wow. >> it's
n south carolina andng. i decided not have one as well. >> really, what made you decide? >> stephen: because on tv as a child, anybody southern was depicted as dumb. and i didn't upon want to seem dumb. i was like i'm going to talk like john chancellor. i'm going to talk like a news guy or somebody like that. >> and you've done really well at that. >> stephen: and pretending to be smart. yeah, that's one of my go-es to. now you're doing a show "disjointed" on netflix with chuck lorre and dave javerbaum. >> dave javerbaum created this insane show. we're on netflix now. we're going to drop the next 10 in january. >> stephen: i think it's the only place you can do it is on netflix because you guys are smoking a lot of weed. >> smoking weed, saying the "f" word, and a (bleep) free for all. >> stephen: this is not netflix. you can't say that here. you cant say that here. >> no, i said
bleepped. >> stephen: on the show? >> yes. >> stephen: tom, philly mouth. it takes place nay pot dispensary. >> yeah, i play ruth whitefeather, she's been an activist ever since she was in her teens. >> stephen: yes. >> and now it's legal, or to paraphrase michelle obama-- when they go low, we get high! ( laughter ) there you go! >> stephen: there it is. ( cheers and applause ) >> and i've got -- >> stephen: so are you-- are you a method actor? did you do a ride-along? how did you study to be someone who smokes weed all the time, kathy whitefeather bates? >> i had a quick taste when i sat next to bill mahr at a party. it was penny marshall's birthday. >> stephen: you can sit in the same room with him and get high. >> he pulled it out of his jacket and i was like
even if they're famous, especially bill mahr. >> stephen: what happened? >> oh, i don't even remember what happened. it was just insane. people at the table -- >> stephen: you didn't say anything you had to apologize for later, did you? >> well, i don't know. i had to get talked down by one of the other people at the table. >> stephen: what. >> she had to hold my hand and say, "it's okay. it's okay. it will be all right. really, hone. it will be fine. just breathe." it was horrible! ( laughter ) >> stephen: that sounds terrible. did you bring enough for everyone? ( laughter ) >> but now, i have been doing research. the wonderful thing about doing "disjointed" is we have a cannabis consultant. >> stephen: like if you do a cop show, there will be an excop on show teaching you how things go. >> you can do a ride-along. >> stephen: what does the cannabis consultant consult-- "you're smoking that wrong?" >> yes. >> stephen: really? >> yes, dougie
was legal? i thought ias legal. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> you know? that's why you've got mr. you know sessions saying that he's going to go out-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: is that what you just did? did you do this? do this? ( cheers and applause ) can we move on before the feds come in here and raid this show? ( laughter ). >> well i know. it's so much fun, though! it's a real romp. you know we need that now, even for just a half an hour to hour to just you know-- this is what i do. i'll tell you what i do. >> stephen: tell me what you do. >> at the very end of the week after we had the show you get the new script, i take off my makeup, climb in bed, get stoned and read the new script. and they're hysterical! they're hysterical!
>> stephen: would you recommend that for the people viewing the show? >> for some, some, we have a huge demographic. so maybe young children shouldn't be doing that. >> stephen: probably not. >> probably not. >> stephen: it stunts growth. it stunts growth. >> but it's fun to do the research. it really is. and pot is so much better now! ( applause ) ( cheers )
and meanwhile everybody is going, "kathy bates is vaping weed at the next table! ask her for a hit." i understand you play guitar now. you bought yourself some electric guitars. >> well, i bought a moon stone eagle. >> stephen: moon stone eagle. do you know what a moon stone eagle is? >> handmeat back in the 80s, right. >> i'm not familiar. >> stephen: no, no. you sure that's not just a bong with strings on it. moon stone eagle. sounds like something that crystal graphics put out. ( laughter ) hey, is it-- joni mitchell. dihear you met joni mitchell. >> yes, this is what's so great! this is the other thing about the show. we have amazing animations. tone bell plays our security guard and he has p.t.s.d. he was a vet from afghanistan. so we try to get him to, you know, help himself by smoke weed. but you go inside h
javerbaum. >> it's like all this stuff that's in david's head. >> stephen: where does joni mitchell fit in? >> oh, right. i forgot that. ( laughter ) how am i looking? is it going okay? >> stephen: the research is catching up with you. >> okay -- >> stephen: short-term memory loss, i believe it is. >> wait a minute! don't confuse me. >> stephen: i won't. >> joni mitchell, we play one of her songs "a case of you" in the third episode when tone is having his breakdown and she came to see the show. i got to meet her. oh, my god. >> stephen: how is she doing? she hasn't been in public forever. >> oh, no, no, no. she came out in public. we almost danced the other night. she's amazing you love her? >> stephen: i love her so much. >> i know, i got to hold her hand and i was like, "that's the hand that made all those amazing chords." >> stephen: yeah. >> she'sh
>> stephen: no, they know bay-esance. did you "american horror story" and you're doing "disjointed." what's next "fast and furious" movies? >> i do love to drive. but not stoned. >> stephen: no, of course, not. >> i wouldn't recommend that. oh, yeah, what am i doing next? i'm doing a fabulous movie called "on the basis of sex. osex." and it's with felicity jones and it's about the young ruth bader ginsburg. >> stephen: and she plays the young ruth bader ginsburg? >> yes, she looks incredible. army hammer plays her husband, justin thorough. and i play a woman nobody has ever heard of. >> stephen: i can't wait. >> no, actually, i a play a woman who was born in 1888! ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, you look
lovely talking to you. >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen: "disjointed" is available on netflix now. kathy bates, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian nathan mcintosh. that was so fun! thank you! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) she paired that with some succulents. and suddenly something clicked. that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpaca? super soft towels, and an enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. but great things happen when you choose surprise. nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. and all day all night protection. when it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! folks, my next guest is a comedian making his network television debut. please welcome nathan mcintosh! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hey. yeah, how is everybody doing! ( cheers and applause ) this is absolutely great to be here! all of my friends, everybody i know is having kids. that does not mean they're ready to have kids. there's a pretty good way to tell if you're ready or not.
shattered, you're not ready to ad! ( laughter ) you never learned how to hold the thing you hold every day! and now you're going to upgrade to baby! like, you know if you drop your baby in water, you don't just put it in rice, right? you know that. ( laughter ) i get it's hard not to drop our phones with how much we check them. i check my phone way too much. i'm walking down a street and hit a red light and i'm like, "i have about eight seconds to kill. i can't just stand here and breathe! that's what a cave man would do." so i take my phone out and look at it and there's nothing i want to see. all i want to do with my phone i just want to be aeb to text people and call, that's it. but you can't call anybody anymore. we have all decided that we are never going to answer our phones again! ( laughter ) it doesn't matter who it is. "my best friends! decline. nobody cares. people still fight to find their phones. "my phone is ring
people text so much they don't even really know how to talk to you when they do. people talk to you and leave out common courtesies. people run up to you on the street and go, "where's starbucks!" as if i picked it up and moved it and didn't tell this person! you have to say hello when you ask for something. "hello, where is starbucks." even "hey." it's one syllable, three letters. i would even accept ( grunts ) "where's starbucks. of nobody wants to talk to anybody. i like talking to people. i try. that's when i i go to a grocery store i avoid self-check out. i do not want to talk to robots. ( applause ) you think with some checkout-- you think with some checkout, we would have just got rid of cashiers but we didn't. we now just make cashiers stand there. ( laughter ) beside the
and we make them watch us do their job! ( laughter ) ( applause ) that is a cashier's job now-- stand there and watch us mess up what they know how to do. and they always look so sad over there. hunched over with their arms crossed. "i used to ring things in like that. that's broccoli, right, 3306. i'll never forget." ( laughter ) nobody wants to talk to anybody. everybody just wants to sit in a room and binge watch shows on netflix for 18 straight hours. you're not supposed to do that! that's why when do you, netflix goes, "are you still watching!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) "you don't have anywhere to be?" i like netflix, but i do misgoing to stores to rent movies. it was a fun time. a
also, any time i went to rent td the aisles for an hour, look at every movie, pick nothing, and then go to bed! ( laughter ) also, any time i represented a movie, i committed to it. it didn't matter how bad it was the. i put it in and i'm like, "this sucks! but it's my fault that it's here!" ( laughter ) "what am i going to go back to bloc buster and go, "you let me rent this!" i have some movies up on netflix for no reason, nothing. opening credits start and they're in italics and i'm like, "really! italics? what is this, a powerpoint presentation? oh, look this director's jaim is geoff with a "g." beat it g-off, i'm not watching your movie. we learned a better way to spell geoff." it's also fun to go to movie stores and see families fight
it was a good time. see a kid run up to street'?" "you're six. who told you about this movie?" "dad did." "gary, what the hell, man." you have to go on vacation now if you want to see families fight. families on vacation are breaking down. ( laughter ) some are having a good time. a lot are just getting a divorce in public. screaming at each other. kids are complaining about everything. "can we go back to the hotel? my phone's dying. there's no wifi!" you see a dad like, "i didn't even want this family!" and just walks away. ( laughter ) i get how some people get so mad, too. some families go on vacation and spend so much money. some people go on vacation and spend $600 a night to stay in a hotel-- $600 a night! then in the morning they'll get up and leave that ro
if i eve the hotel room is $600 a night, that room is the vacation! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) on i'm not leaving that room. i'm going to do everything you can in there. i'm going to use all the soap, all the towels. i'm going to open and close the blinds for an hour. i will finally read the bible! i will get to it! ♪ ♪ thank you guys so much. appreciate you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you!
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the nbc news story has just been totally rerefuted by secretary tillerson and vp pence. it is #fakenews. they should issue an apology to america. i agree with the president-- nbc news does owe us an apology, because apparently tillerson didn't call our president a moron. he called him a (bleep) moron. ( cheers and applause ) administration officials are confident that tillerson will stay because, apparently, there's an agreement between defense secretary james mattis, treasury secretary, steve mnuchin and rex tillerson whereby all three cabinet secretaries vowed to leave in the event the president makes moves against one of them. oh, and trump is known for making moves. rex, if the president offers to take you furniture shopping, get out of there! just get out of there! ( cheers and applause )
or anything like that? >> no, stephen, consider politics. i'm an actor. that will do it. >> stephen: fine line. it's a fine line. >> you think? >> stephen: yeah, you both make things up. but you get paid better. >> being a frog is really about body language. ( laughter ) do you want me to teach you how to be froggish. >> stephen: i have my own frog. >> let me see your frog. i'll do my frog if you do your frog. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you got into a twitter feud with our president. >> oh, yes, you have got a president and i got into a feud with him via twitter, like all dignified people must. >> stephen: "the mayor of san juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago, has now been told by the democrats that you must nasty to trump." okay, okay. keep in mind-- 95% of the people there remain without power and
service. so to message to san juan's mayor, the democrats must have used sky writing. ( laughter ) >> on behalf of all of the people of texas and all of the people of-- if you look today and you see what's happening how horrible it is, but we have it under really great control-- puerto rico, and the people of florida who have really suffered over this last short period of time with the hurricanes. i want to just remember them, and we're going to dedicate this trophy to all of those people that went through so much that we love, a part of our great state. really a part of our great nation. >> stephen: that's right, he's letting them split a golf trophy. it's like jesus said, "for i was hungry and you gave me a golf trophy? what the hell? i can't eat this." we launched a campaign on twitter encouraging celebrities to post photos of themselves during their awkward teen years. and for every celebrity who
we will give $1,000 from the americone ice cream fund to 1 americaappeal. we got some amazing offers here. that's me. that's conan. that is sam bee at age 13. that's either bill clinton or fat baby elvis. ( laughter ) that is neil de-pube tyson right there. that brings our grand total to $999,000. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. >> that's fantastic, but it's-- stephen, it's still-- stephen, we didn't make it to $1 million. >> stephen: i know we came so close but what can we do? if only we had one more awkward celebrity puberty photo, but we just don't. ( cheers and applause )
i miss her more than you anyway. ♪ ♪ yeah that's okay. alright miles. i love you. (phone hangs up) ♪ ♪ yeah i love you too. ♪ ♪ we are the tv doctors of america, and we may not know much about medicine, but we know a lot about drama. we also know that you can avoid drama by getting an annual check-up. so go, know, and take control of your health. it could save your life. cigna. together, all the way.
cnarrator: ed gillespie and i wants to endis ad. a woman's right to choose. ed giof a woman'sd put thpersonal decisions,rge not women and their doctors. as governor, ed gillespie says, i would like to see abortion be banned. if ed gillespie would like to see abortion banned, i would like to see i would like to see i would like to see that ed gillespie never becomes governor. >> stephen: well, that's it for