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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 10, 2017 11:35pm-12:33am EST

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>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, trump's french faux pas. plus stephen welcomes: john mulaney. with a special appearance by jason segel. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there is nothing like-- there is nothing like a friday crowd, man. there is nothing like it in the
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world. ( cheers and applause ) they're lit. they're electric. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it's been a heck of a week. it's been an interesting five days. this week saw the one-year anniversary of donald trump's election.
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"you're a great president. ( laughter ) dad was wrong. people like you. that's your real hair. jobs, jobs, jobs. jobs, jobs, jobs." and hollande was especially confused, because during the campaign, trump's comments about france were mostly talking "le smack."
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"hold on, let me keep going. i love your wine. i love your fries. i love your toast. i love your kissing. it's the best." hollande tried to steer the conversation to important topics like terrorism, the wars, and the climate, to which trump responded, "everything you want," before letting out a long "yeaaaahhhh." ( laughter ) so, for anyone who was still wondering if trump really takes his phone into the bathroom... there you go. ( laughter ) ( applause ) "yeeah! oh, yeeah." ( applause ) but that wasn't even but that wasn't even the weird part of the call. the weird part of the wall. "you you know my country. you know many great americans. so let me ask you a question: could you help me with the recruiting of my new staff? i need recommendations." what? what? hollande can't tell you who to hire. that's putin's job. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
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he'd be cool with it. a little bit." although, advice from the french president would explain trump's first choice for secretary of transportation, baguette smoking a cigarette. back on the home front, there's some controversy surrounding at&t's proposed take over of time warner. don't turn off your tv. there's some trump in this. you see, time warner owns the president's longtime nemesis: cnn. trump even-- even threatened to stop the at&t merger last year during his campaign. >> at&t is buying time warner, and, thus, cnn, a deal we will not approve in my administration because it's too much concentration of power in the hands of too few. >> stephen: "now, if you'll
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son-in-law to fire bob mueller." ( laughter ) and this could be-- a lot of jared fans here tonight. a lot of jared fans. that's nice. he's a good kid "quality kid." and this could be his first campaign promise to actually come true, because yesterday we learned that trump's justice department told at&t that for the time warner merger to go through, the company has to sell cnn, a troubling allegation that would surely make jake tapper make his patented "jake tapper is disappointed in you" face. ( laughter ) but there could be one bright spot in the story, because if at&t does have to sell cnn, there is a chance my network, cbs, might buy it. because recently, cbs chairman and man i'm not going to make a joke about, les moonves, said "cnn is a very worthy news
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organization. it's something that could enhance cbs." think about it: the cbs lineup could be filled with fun cnn spinoffs. i can't wait for shows like "young blitzer," and, "two broke don lemons." continuing-- i'd watch that. i'd watch that show. continuing in the world of media, you might have heard from your facebook news feed that facebook is back in the news. they're battling what's known as "revenge porn." that's when someone like an ex-boyfriend posts naked pictures of a woman online to shame and humiliate her. it's despicable, and it gives a bad name to all the family-friendly porn out there. ( laughter ) well, facebook has a simple solution. they've just announced that in an effort to combat revenge porn, they're asking users to send the company their nude photos. now, before you dash off to do that-- ( laughter ) here's how it works: "users would send a message containing their nude images,
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fingerprint of, and stop others from uploading similar or identical pictures." that's just fighting fire with fire, okay. just like if you think an arsonist is going to burn down your house, you torch it yourself, naked, then take send the photos to facebook. because they're fine with it. ( applause ) after all, we know the nudes are just going to be automatically processed by some mindless algorithm, right after "facebook workers review full, uncensored versions of nude images first to determine if malicious posts by other users qualify as revenge porn." but it is a professional team headed by their chief of internet privacy, alan. ( laughter ) he'll work as late as you want him to.
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you know who doesn't like technology? pope francis. this week he told all his fellow catholics to "put down your phones in church," telling the crowd in st. peter's square, "it makes me very sad when i celebrate here in the piazza or in the basilica and see so many cell phones held up." you know what, i can understand the pope feeling like that, but i wonder how god feels about this issue? >> what's that, steve? >> stephen: hey, it's god, everybody! >> that's right, jehovah in the je-house-vah. >> stephen: god, we were just wondering how you feel about people using cell phones in church. ( laughter ) god?
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distracting people in church? >> come on, steve, even i know church can be kind of boring. it's hard enough gettin' butts in the seats. as long as people show up, let 'em stream a little "stranger things." oooh, reese witherspoon just followed me on twitter. maybe now i'll get verified! twitter's kind of over, though. i mean, come on, 280 characters? what is this, leviticus? ( laughter )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! jon basteeft and stay human! >> stephen: you know what this is. i don't have to tell you. i don't have to tell you what this is. it is friday night here in america. # at "the late show." that means we are just one show away of sitting down with joe biden on monday, and elton john, who is going to do two songs, right? unbelievable. second song, second song-- and i haven't verified this-- but i'm going to try to
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do "hold me closer tiny dancer" with elton jon. >> jon: wow, this would be nice. >> stephen: wouldn't that be amazing. incredible. i think he has to do it now because i announced it. >> jon: it's official, it's official. anyway, information, this is no secret, i love movies. and one of the biggest movies this week is "bad moms christmas." it's great when a sequel can transcend the original and add a holiday, like "godfather 2: happy fredo-ween!" but "bad moms christmas" is a perfect example of the latest cinematic trend: so many movies that come out are bad-- not "bad" in the sense that they don't make sense or are about transformers, no. they literally have "bad" in the title. there was "bad santa," "bad grandpa," "bad teacher," to say nothing of "bad lieutenant," "bad words," "bad santa 2," "bad grandmas," and, of course, the original, "bad moms." and i'll tell you right now, if i see this new movie and one of those bad moms doesn't sle
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even doing here? ( laughter ) and that's not even getting into all the "bad" synonyms like "horrible" bosses and "dirty" grandpa-- who, by the way, is totally different from "bad grandpa." it's like a tortoise-turtle and a tortoise-- very technical. well, i assumed this trend had completely run it's course until i saw this new trailer. check it out.
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>> here's your chi latte. >> i ordered a soy machiato. >> i'm sorry, let me fix that for you, your highness, i must have misheard you because of your fat, stupid face! no, i didn't get your name wrong. your name's... gerb now. deal with it, gerb! >> wait, we thought of more jobs people can do badly like jessica williams as terribly notary. >> honestly, i don't know what my job is, either. i'll stamp anything. >> and t.g.i. movies make a lot of money. >> when i asked valerie to be my maid of honor, i didn't realize she was going to gain all that neck weight. bitch, please. >> that's right. an unbelievably adjective noun. is this really the whole
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nonsense. >> no, now, look, bad and horrible and terrible-- that is all last year. this year, it's all about baby. baby driver, baby boss, so, next year, i'm thinking... >> you're doing my triple bypass? ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ).
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show"." ( cheers and applause ) i'm so happy to have my first guest tonight. he is a hilarious comedian you know from broadway's "oh, hello." he's now on his "kid gorgeous" comedy tour. please welcome john mulaney! ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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"the change of the season is when you can bring the old velvet out." >> stephen: you're super busy, super busy. no surprise there. a young talented moon like you. >> that's nice of you to say. i have been on tour since may and now it's gone every night. >> stephen: what do you mean "gone every night?" >> on the ride. >> stephen: you're on the road and then daddy's gone. >> i don't say "daddy's gone." that upsets people. >> stephen: do you have children? >> no, i have a dog, though. >> stephen: then you should not say, "daddy's gone. of it would be weird to say to your wife, "daddy's gone." >> yeah, we've been gone-- we-- i, have been traveling a lot. and that's why i don't know my articles or pronouns. >> stephen: so, it's called "kid gorgeous. of the. >> the tour. >> stephen: are you "kid
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i kept reading names to my wife at a restaurant until she laughed, and that was the one she went with. she laughed a lot at "kid gorgeous," and i said i guess it has to be that. i like old-fashioned things, and "kid gorgeous" -- >> stephen: "kid gorgeous" sound like you're a middle-weight boxer. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: who is famous for never having his nose broken. >> yes. >> stephen: he's "kid gorgeous." >> there was a mo on the simpsons, was "kid gorgeous," then he was "kid presentable." and i wanted it to be called "kid charlemagne" after the steely dan song, but everyone in my life warned me against that, saying that would be lost on people and not be an effective tour name. >> stephen: whereas "kid gorgeous" has resonance all across america. >> people like vanity, yeah. >> stephen: you're coming back to new york for a four nights at radio city, totally stole out. >> four shows sold out, yeah. and we're adding a fifth now, so, yeah. ( applause ) thank you very much.
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city. >> stephen: extraordinary, extraordinary house. >> extraordinary place. i want to rest before it. i'm getting a little fried on this tour, but it's going to be an amazing -- >> stephen: like what kind of rest do you need? >> i need-- so i took a vacation with my wife, ana. i had been gone about 12 nights, and we went to fairm to relax in connecticut. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> we got there -- >> stephen: somebody gave me photos before you came out here. is that what this is? >> yeah, i'll show you that in a moment. i had a bit of a nervous breakdown while i was at the farm. >> stephen: okay. >> i land from san francisco. we get a rental car and we drive to connecticut. and we get there, and i'm really holocausteand i'mreally exhaustl existentially insane, and trying to hold it together. >> stephen: sure. >> and the current president tweeted something like, "no talks with north korea. you know what that means?" and i was like, "that's not helping my situation." that was that weekend he did that. i was out walking with my dog trying to calm down, and i saw
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>> stephen: a gaggle of geese, yes. >> a gaggle of geese. and i ran towards them and they flew away and it was amusing. later on the geese were back and i had the dog and i say to my wife, "check this out." and i run towards the geese, and they hold their ground, and one of them looks at me and opens his mouth, and he had this light, pink mouth, and he went "haaaa." and caveman d.n.a. in me knew get out of here right now. like, some old ancestor ran into some pterodactyls and it wasn't good, and this was like that. it was like these are dinosaurs, like, get out of here right now. and i ran across the creek, and i said to my wife, "those geese weren't messing around" you know? you know how you say that to your wife? ( laughter ).
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attacked by a swan ( laughter ) so later on in the evening --
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that?" we zoom in, push it, ask it looks like the moon through the trees. and i said, "what is that?" and as soon as i said, "what is that?" some voice in me that warned me about the geese said, "you know it's a ghost." ( laughter ) so... ( laughter ) imagine for a moment that a green orb appears on your dog in a photo. that very much looks like the moon through the trees. and imagine you're exhausted. you can imagine how you'd leap to ghost.
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place haunted? and we'd laugh about a goft in there. i felt i had a haunting of sorts. >> stephen: theaters have a ghost light to keep the ghost in on purpose. >> if you ask-- if you go to an old theater, ask the stagehands, "is there a ghost here?" and they'll be like, "there's a ghost." i did a theater in kansas city, called the midlands, and they said the janitor was killed there in 1910 and still haunts the lobby. i said, "what does he do?" they said, "we see him sweeping up." and i said, "that's double terrible that he's stuck between realms and he still has to clean the lobby." it would be nice if they were like, "we saw him applying for a new position, then we-- then we saw him managing the lobby." >> stephen: i know there's a ghost in this building because sometimes, like, even during the show, like, a guest will be sitting right there, and i'll hear this voice coming from the guest going, "i wish dave was still h
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>> that's probably something dave planted. >> stephen: yeah, probably. >> so i saw that, and i've been trying to held it together all day. >> stephen: this is today? >> no, no, that day at the farm. >> stephen: okay. >> i push in on the photo, and i go, "tell me that doesn't look like the moon through the trees." and my wife's like, "are you okay?" and i said, "i think we need to leave right now." >> stephen: no, you didn't. >> i did, yeah. >> stephen: you can't get your deposit back because you think you saw a ghost. >> no, you cannot. but it was already dark on the farm roads, and i was like, "if this were a movie, would it be a good idea to drive out in the dark?" and, also, i didn't want to say too loud what my plan was in case the ghosts were listening. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm sad to say --
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was assuming my dog was possessed. what it turned out to be was lens flare. we looked it up and on, like-- i won't say what brand of phone but it's an iphone. and they have-- it's a common thing where you get these green dots, and that's the reflection of the sun coming through the trees and the window pane behind me. >> stephen: if you saw this on your dog not on camera, that would be something to be upset about. >> i would bow down in front of her and say i'll do whatever you want. >> stephen: you know what i really like, "big mouth." >> thank you very much. >> stephen: the show you're doing with nick kroll, our friend of the show. >> this is a wonderful animated show on netflix, that nick kroll and andrew goldberg, his friend from childhood created -- >> stephen: you play andrew. >> yeah, i am a get friend in adult life. >> stephen: it's about kids going through puberty and very funny and very honest, harrowing ways. >> yeah. >> stephen: because puberty is
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a realist, nightmarish escape of puberty comedy, and i think it's how-- it's how puberty field in a lot of ways. >> stephen: did you go to catholic schools growing up? >> yeah, only exclusively. >> stephen: jesuit schools. another they teach you good. but did they teach you, like, about sex? did you have, like, puberty, like health class or anything like that? >> we had health class. >> stephen: did they go through the birds and the bees. >> we did a sort of miracle on life on the "please don't ever have sex" side of it. >> stephen: okay. it's a miracle that you want nothing to do with. >> yeah, and they said-- they were like, "none of the contraceptives work, so don't try them." well -- >> stephen: wow. >> well, you know, we were kids. it's unfortunately had a lasting effect in the subconscious of my brain, but... ( laughter ) they then-- the big thing was they would show us the "miracle of life"
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that, not one year, not two years, but three years in a row. ( laughter ).
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flinch this time." so i stared longer. and i watched more of the opening number. ( laughter ) hit the floor. the third year, people were rooting for me to faint. ( cheers and applause ) and looking back. and they-- they were going, "he's gonna go. he's gonna faint." and i just-- the pressure-- i don't even know if i was watching the video. i think i had a panic attack because all the eyes were on me. and i fainted again, just to-- maybe just to appease them. what a life! what a sad life to want to entertain so much that i'll collapse for you if you cheer loud enough.
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february. john mulaney, everybody! we'll be right back with an never-before-broadcast comedy bit with jason segel. that was just a'ight for me. yo, checi mean,t dawg. you got the walk. you got the stance.. but i wasn't really feeling it. you know what, i'm not buying this. you gotta come a little harder dawg. you gotta figure it out. eh, i don't know. shaky on the walk, carriage was off. randy jackson judging a dog show. i don't know dawg. surprising.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i'm joined by the great jason segel. jason you were here on tuesday and now it's friday. thank you for coming back. >> yeah. you were promoting your new novel "otherworld." which i still have here. it turns out you also have several upcoming movies you're excited to promote. you're so busy you didn't even know you were in these movies. >> that's right. >> stephen: and i didn't know i was c
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these movies. >> i know. >> stephen: because we're both so damn busy. this should be interesting. what i'm going to do is put the posters up here, and we're going to look at the posters, see them for the first time. >> yeah. >> stephen: these posters were made by my graphics department. >> yes. >> stephen: and we have not seen any of these. and we are going to relive what the plot of this movie is for the audience. >> are we doing them for sure? are we going to do these movie s. >> stephen: they're all right shot. >> got it. >> stephen: talk to your agent if you haven't been paid, okay. get ready to remember these plots together. we're going to generate some buzz and hopefully make some cash. this is "maybe coming soon." ( cheers and applause )
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help, the help needs help. we shot this actually at san simmion, the old-- >> first of all, you don't have to remind me. it was one of the best times of my life. >> stephen: oh, incredible. >> yeah. i was very glad they removed the secretary "t." >> stephen: yes. we are two men who are running from the mob who are hiding out as butlers. >> of course,. >> stephen: yes. >> yeah, as a team of butlers. >> stephen: but we're very terrible at our jobs. >> that's right. >> stephen: we're extremely clumsy. >> and we bring along a baby. >> stephen: and we try to hide the baby in the bowl. >> yeah, and eventually, it ends, tragically, when the baby is accidentally served. ( laughter )
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pretty sure i didn't approve that-- that poster. we mad "party lincoln." four score and seven beers ago. >> oh, my gosh! right. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i play-- i'm pretty sure i play a frat brother. >> yes. >> stephen: because i can still play college age. >> yes. i mysteriously have been dethawed -- >> stephen: you're dethawed lincoln. >> but i'm also wearing a hawaiian vest. >> stephen: that's party lincoln. >> that's party lincoln, that's right. >> stephen: party lincoln, on monaula in hawaii-- there's a glacier, right-- they find a frozen abe lincoln which is where president johnson stashed him. yeah, yeah. until the future could find a cure for bullet in the head. ( laughter ) caand they cure him! it's a happy
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they cure him and he goes to college and joins my frat. >> super uncomfortable when i take the hat off. ( laughter ) and then, of course,...
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lucky to be able to get american pharoah. >> stephen: he had so little time on his hooves, because he, of course, he and you are out to stud right now. >> that's right. >> stephen: both of you. >> that's right. >> stephen: both of you are out to stud. >> that's right. >> stephen: that's what you do in that orange grove. ( laughter )
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know what the bullet joke was. >> got it. >> stephen: but you get shot at the end of the next one, because you jump in front of me to save me from a rival frat assassinating me at a performance of my american cousin. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: but then what-- what i didn't know was is that the sorority-- >> do i break dance in this? >> stephen: "the great break dance-ipatotor is back. >> the tridealts freeze you. >> stephen: that's good. they're the good girls because they're a sorority. did you go to college? >> i didn't go to college. >> stephen: you do in this movie. >> stephen: well, listen, folks, thank you for joining us. jason segel, everybody. all these movies are maybe coming soon! we'll be right back. ( applause )
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( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we've come to my favorite part of every week in the trump administration: the end. now, let's look back at the best moments from this week's "the late show." >> we have a nuclear submarine, also positioned. we have many things happening that we hope, he woap-- in fact, i'll go a step further-- we hope to god we never have to use. >> stephen: yes, "hope to god" because we all know god's in the nuclear chain of command. he's got the other key. that's why they call it the nuclear triad because it's the father, the son and the holy (bleep). ( cheers and applause ) president trump is still off on his trip through asia. he arrived today in china, although he kept calling it
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thailand, because it's where they make his ties. ( laughter ).
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>> so guess what that does? >> stephen: what? >> that destroys drama. fictional television drama about a white house is now destroyed because there's absolutely no gravity to it. >> stephen: it's pretty good-- it's pret pretty good-- lawrence, it's pretty good for comedy. >> it's very good. >> stephen: donald jr. woke up this morning to urge people to get the vote out, but maybe he should have waited until he had his morn cup of hair gel because he tweeted: which is a fine thing to tweet. except the election was today not tomorrow. #whoopsie-daisy. #turns out eric is the smart one. >> you know i have a theor. do you want to hear it? >> stephen: yes. >> i think if dogs talked they would all sound like dave
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wait a minute, baby! nobody comes back here! i'm tired of eating squirrel, son! oh!" >> stephen: we met briefly during rehearsal because you walked out on stage just to say hi in your underwear. and -- >> stephen: hey! >> the reason i did that was my 15-year-old daughter, elizabeth, begged me not to do anything to embarrass the family. >> you know, stephen, as you know i'll be hosted "night of too many stars" to support next for autism on hbo. >> stephen: that's true. >> it will be live. celebrities are donating incredible experiences to help raise even more money. for instance, stephen colbert is offering an incredible opportunity here at "the late e show"." >> stephen: yes, it is, and i can't wait to find out. but i'm feeling a little parched and i want to get a little sip of water here. please tell me what i'm offering. ( laughter )
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late show""... ( laughter ) under your desk. ( cheers and applause )
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rning card that comes with your medicine. if you have an allergic reaction, don't take triumeq... ...or the medicines in it again. don't take triumeq if you take dofetilide or have liver problems. serious side effects include lactic acid buildup, heart attack, or liver problems. if you're female, obese, or take nucleoside analogues, you may be at greater risk. if you have hepatitis b or c, it may get worse. tell your doctor if you have liver, kidney, or heart problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, or hepatitis b or c, if you smoke, drink alcohol or if you are, or planning to be, pregnant or breastfeeding. some medicines may interact with triumeq, so tell your doctor about any medicines or supplements you take. the most common side effects include trouble sleeping, headache, and tiredness. i'm moving forward... ...with triumeq. to learn more, get this free kit at and ask your doctor if triumeq is right for you.
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." join me next week when i'll be joined by joe biden, elton john, ben affleck, and norah o'donnell. good nig
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captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from tulsa,


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